The Green Hornet Review

The movie version of “The Green Hornet” answers one of life’s most important questions: “What if an idiot tried to be a superhero?”

Obviously, we’ve seen plenty of non-superpowered folks slap on a costume and try to battle the forces of evil, but I can’t really think of another big-screen hero who has done it quite like Seth Rogen’s Britt Reid.

Sure, Reid is mega-rich dude just like Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne, but he’s not nearly smart enough to build Iron Man’s suit and he’s not a muscular genius like Batman. Blankman may have been a scrawny, super-smart nerd, but he was a SUPER-SMART nerd nonetheless. Kick-Ass didn’t have any particularly special physical attributes either, but he wasn’t exactly a moron — he was just a painfully average kid.

Even The Green Hornet himself was played relatively straight by Van Williams in the 1960’s TV show (co-starring Bruce Lee).

Still, in a world with more comic book/superhero movies than you can count, that’ precisely what makes the new “Green Hornet” stand out.

Rogen plays the irresponsible Britt Reid, who inherits his father’s (Tom Wilkinson) publishing company after the elder Reid dies. More importantly, he inherits his father’s coffee maker/mechanic Kato (Taiwanese singer Jay Chou), who introduces Britt to some of his father’s niftier cars, including the Black Beauty.

After the two foil a robbery, they decide to use their considerable resources to fight crime by posing as criminals — which puts them at odds with Chudnofsky (Oscar winner Christoph Waltz), the city’s reigning crime lord — and by gaining insight into the criminal mind with help from Britt’s bright secretary Lenore Case (Cameron Diaz).

You can tell just from those last two paragraphs — a comedian here, an Oscar winner there, a Taiwanese pop star over here — that there’s a LOT for director Michel Gondry to try to cobble together and make into something coherent. Indeed, the movie isn’t always 100% tonally consistent as it ping-pongs from new millennium dude humor to old-fashioned superhero yarn.

In fact, if you don’t like Seth Rogen, you’re probably going to hate “The Green Hornet.” Fortunately, I really like Seth Rogen, so I’m perfectly ok with him basically hijacking “The Green Hornet” mythology (not exactly a sacred property) to suit his comedic rhythm. (The only part I don’t understand is why Rogen made such a big deal out of losing all that weight — other than to get healthier, of course — since Chou winds up handling almost all the action.)

Rogen’s fingerprints are all over the movie — he co-wrote it with Evan Goldberg — and Gondry smartly steps back and allows the actor to do his thing, which is usually heavy on bromantic comedy. He has excellent chemistry with Chou, a cool customer who, despite his sometimes-broken English, pretty much winds up stealing the movie.

Chou has competition in the movie thievery department from Waltz, who realizes he’s in a silly movie and decides to have a blast with his sensitive super-villain. (Waltz’s first scene opposite a familiar star making a fun cameo might be the movie’s best.)

I’m still not really sure why Cameron Diaz was in this movie. Her character seems wrong and too old to be a love interest for Britt and Kato (and Rogen amusingly riffs on this at one point), but it mostly seemed like they just wanted a recognizable female star in this thing, no matter how little there was for her to do.

Then again, this “Green Hornet” is really a big-budget vehicle for Rogen’s brand of humor. (With an assist from some cool visual tricks, courtesy of Gondry.) Fortunately, I happen to be a fan of that particular brand.

The Green Hornet…B+

The Fighter Review

“The Fighter” is really a working-class family drama thinly disguised as a sports movie.

In fact, other than the way director David O. Russell recreated the 1990’s HBO look for the fight scenes (a sneakily cool effect), the boxing aspects of “The Fighter” are arguably its weakest points. (The fights are rousing by nature, but there’s simply nothing special — one way or the other — about the way Russell stages them.)

Fortunately, that doesn’t come close to preventing “The Fighter” from being one of the better movies of the year.

“The Fighter” is ostensibly the story of “Irish” Micky Ward (Mark Wahlberg) a welterweight boxer from Lowell, Massachusetts looking to rejuvenate his career with help from the same family that continues to derail it. However, “The Fighter” turns out to be just as much about Micky’s older half brother Dicky Eklund (newly-minted Oscar nominee Christian Bale), a former boxer and current crack addict when we meet him in the movie.

It doesn’t take long to realize that “The Fighter” is really about each man’s attempts to pick themselves up and make something of their lives, and how they need each other to do so. Fortunately, they have plenty of additional support.

Oscar nominee Melissa Leo is excellent as Alice Ward, Micky’s mom and manager (mom-ager?) and Dicky’s #1 apologist. Leo manages to shine though some truly garish makeup and costumes, while also grounding Alice and making her believable. It makes complete sense to me that she would devote more time and resources to Dicky — even at the expense of Micky — simply because Dicky is the son that needs the most help.

As great as Leo is, I’m even a bigger fan of fellow Oscar nominee Amy Adams as Charlene, the tough, spirited woman who inspires Micky’s comeback. Adams “uglifies” herself for the role — which really means she looks like a normal person — and is convincingly grungy, especially for someone who has literally played a Disney princess.

My favorite part of her performance — besides inspiring my new favorite insult: “MTV Girl” — is that she’s not the typical wet blanket girlfriend we get in this type of movie. She’s not perfect and, like everyone else in the movie, she’s not thrilled with the way her life has turned out, but she’s 100% there to support her partner.

And that partner is played unassumingly well by Wahlberg. He obviously doesn’t have the showiest role in the movie, but Wahlberg has Micky walk around like his carrying around the weight of his family and his hometown’s expectations on his shoulders.

Of course, as you’ve probably heard, the movie belongs to Christian Bale.

The best way I can think to put it is that if it were possible for a human being to play a train wreck, than Christian Bale just nailed it. His Dicky Eklund is a human train wreck. The real kicker is that even as Dicky sabotages his life and the lives of those around him, he STILL manages to be unbelievably charismatic. It’s a wonder to watch Bale cut loose after playing the more understated role and ceding the spotlight to co-stars like Heath Ledger, Russell Crowe, Johnny Deep and Sam Worthington in recent years.

The cast is obviously the best thing about “The Fighter,” but they get a big-time assist from Russell. Just because I wasn’t a big fan of his staging of the boxing scenes doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate the way allowed his actors to naturally and effortlessly relate to each other.

I’m also a big fan of the way he (like Ben Affleck with “The Town”) made a particular corner of Massachusetts a character in the movie. The main characters may be played by glamorous movie stars, but almost everyone else in the movie (the locals, the actresses who played Micky and Dicky’s sisters) looked like they wandered onto the set on their way to a bar. (Or, should I say, on their way to a “bah.”)

“The Fighter” works because it tells a timeless story of redemption and struggle, but it does so through a pretty specific prism. It also helps to have great actors working at the top of their games.

The Fighter…B+

American Idol: Music City Misery

I simply do not share Steven Tyler’s enthusiasm and opinion about the next “American Idol” coming from the Nashville auditions.

Of course, pretty much any episode was going to be letdown after Wednesday night’s emotional, controversial saga — which also happened to showcase some fantastic singing — but last night’s installment would’ve been boring if it had followed a test pattern. (On the bright side, I was able to get a lot of laundry folded!)

Whenever I feel like an episode of “American Idol” (or any other show I recap) wasted our time, I try to write shorter recaps because I don’t want to waste YOUR time. As a result, here are my scattered thoughts on Thursday night’s episode.


- The first tuneless audition of the night really set the awful tone for the evening. Everything about it was terrible. The sound of that dental assistant’s voice. The fact that she referred to “I Hope You Dance” as “I Hope You Can Dance.” Her face. Her comprehension skills. (Somehow Steven Tyler’s “No”, translated as a “Yes” for her.) Oh well, at least there’s a prospective voice-acting career on the horizon.

- In fact, the clown ratio was alarmingly high last night, especially when you consider this was only a one-hour edition.

Let’s just knock them all out in one miserable paragraph. Cheers to you likable tattoo guy who reminded me of a fat, short Undertaker, pageant girl in the blue dress (please stop singing even as you exit the audition room) and ?.

- Actually, I didn’t think ?’s voice was terrible.

- Lauren Alaina was a perfect microcosm for the judges overselling the Nashville auditions. The fact that she’s 15 years old and has such a strong voice is impressive (as was her take on “Like We Never Loved at All”, but I just wasn’t flipping for her as much as all the judges. That being said, it must’ve been super cool for her parents to have their daughter and Steven Tyler semi-duet on “their song,” “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing.”

- Even Lauren’s end-of-episode/manipulative sob story wasn’t up to par. Her COUSIN had a brain tumor. After last night, you gotta come stronger than that, “Idol”!

- Conversely, I didn’t think Miss Teen U.S.A. Stormi Henley (singing “Father Can You Hear Me”) was as egregiously bad as J. Lo made her out to be. I guess that just makes me a drooling, dopey guy like Steven and Randy.

- Also, I’m NOTHING like Randy Jackson!

- How about some of the people I DID like? Adrienne Beasley — the black farm girl from Kentucky with white adoptive parents — immediately stands out, but she’s also got the strong voice to back it up. (At least based on “American Honey.”) Plus, can’t you just see Adrienne’s parents sitting in the audience once the viewer-voting portion starts?

- I remember Jackie Wilson being really good, but unfortunately I was so distracted by the fact that the old guy was her boyfriend (and NOT her dad) that I completely forgot what she sang. All I know is that it was good. Also, ick.

- Matt Dillard (the overall-sporting guy who sang some Josh Groban) seems like a likable dude, but there’s a pretty great chance he’ll be swallowed up in Hollywood.

- My favorites of the evening were Rob Bolin (“What’s Going On”) and Chelsee Oaks (“The Story”). Predictably they were slightly better together, but still really good apart. (He’s like a better Lee DeWyze. She’s like a good Lacey Brown.) I’m already looking forward to that moment in the Hollywood round when the judges tell them there’s only room in the top 20 for one of them. Is there any way this doesn’t happen?

- Rob and Chelsee (pictured) have on-stage/musical chemistry that is off the charts. If I were New Boyfriend, I’d be worried.

So what’d you think of this (lackluster) episode? If I said the name “Stormi Henley” to you before last night, would you have thought “Miss Teen U.S.A. or porn star? Finally, did the next “American Idol” really just pop up on our TV in Nashville?

Jersey Shore: Punch. Drunks. Love

Just when I thought she was out, they pulled her back in.

Last night, the epic Ronnie- Sammi saga came to a head.

Again.

The difference was this time it actually looked like Sammi was going to leave the “Jersey Shore” house after her latest, most physical blowout with Ronnie.

(My working theory on why Sammi REALLY wound up staying in Seaside: Sammi called her mom to come get her, but even Mrs. “Sweetheart” didn’t want to deal with her, so Sammi figured she’d stay put.)

Apparently that giant house with the dinky rooms in Seaside Heights has a powerful allure because earlier in the episode we’d heard J-Woww describe it as her true home (following the Tom fiasco) and her fellow cast mates as her family. Fortunately for her, she eventually found her way “home” after momentarily locking herself in the house she shared with Tom.

But even I’m tired of picking on Sammi, especially when you consider the major source of her paranoia (besides alcohol) is Ronnie shattering her sense of trust in Miami.

It all started with Ronnie asking a girl to get crunk in the club. Sammi predictably called him out on it, but Ronnie said the girl was someone named Mike’s girlfriend, who had a baby. He even offered to have her show Sammi her C-section! (Thankfully, Sammi passed.)

Back at the house, the two started fighting in the bedroom (Sammi’s natural habitat), before Ronnie finally exploded with frustration at Sammi’s paranoia. Sammi had a peace offering, but everyone knows that if you want to make up with Ronnie, you don’t bring him a slice of pizza…you bring him a protein shake! That led to more yelling and fighting and Ronnie telling Sammi that she’d have to write him an entire book of apologies. (Pauly’s face during the profanity-laced tirade was priceless.)

J-Woww tried to console Ronnie, which is interesting given all the horrible things Ronnie has said to her face and about her in confessionals. That’s when Ronnie finally broke down, and all the Xenadrine in the world couldn’t stop the cascade of tears. J-Woww related to him by telling him that they both had guilt over their dealings with Sammi, but she reassured him that he’s a good guy. (Me: “He is?!”)

As things were calming down, The Instigation/The Situation informed Sammi that Ronnie was outside talking to J-Woww, and we finally found out what could possibly compel Sammi to get out of bed. She basically flipped out on Ronnie for talking to her sworn enemy, announced was leaving and punched him in the face. Hard. (Even more solid contact than she landed on J-Woww earlier this year.)

What came next was curious. The rest of the cast mates pleaded for Sammi to stay. Why? Everyone else in the house can obviously see how toxic the Sammi-Ronnie dynamic is and, despite Sammi making amends recently, she isn’t exactly on great terms with anyone there. Unlike Angelina, I think they can see that Sammi is a truly messed up and confused girl right now, and they didn’t want to abandon her on that note. (Last week, I talked about the unavoidable kinship these people must have with each other.)

In the end, Sammi apologized to Ronnie and agreed to stay…as The Situation creepily looked on from the next bed over. (I’m surprised he wasn’t eating a sandwich.) Even though the couple has made up for now, and even though Sammi and J-Woww reached a tentative cease-fire agreement, I still can’t help but feel like she should’ve left. Where do Sammi and Ronnie go from here? They either get back together (ugh!) or Ronnie goes back to being single while Sammi glares and pouts (double ugh!)

Those weren’t the only questions surrounding last night’s episode. The biggest mystery was probably, what the hell were Deena and The Situation talking about toward the end of the episode? Apparently, Dean the Ronnie clone had let slip that Deena was into [bleeping] his [bleep]. As soon as it was clear they didn’t mean the obvious [bleeping] his [bleep] the whole thing devolved into an elaborate and perverted guessing game for the viewers at home. (I think this whole sequence was purposefully made to be confusing. Seriously, we re-wound the scene at the gym three times to try to figure out what the hell they were saying.)

Thank goodness for those asterisks that revealed that Dean had allegedly told people that Deena wanted to l*** his a******. (Please don’t make me explain it further.)

Other than that, the episode offered the same revelry we’ve come to expect. Grenades were dodged. (And the grenade horn made its debut.) Birthday girl Ryder visited to hang out with Snooki, but wound up mostly partying with Snooki 2.0 (Deena). Vinny once again proved to be “the Smart One”…but not really. (He may not know the Montagues, but does anyone else in that house know who the Capulets are. Bonus points for the Bjork swan dress reference.)

So what’d you think of this episode? What was the best addition to the house — J-Woww’s dogs “Snooki” and “Ryder” or the wobbly stripper pole? (Wobbly stripper pole, for the win!) Am I the only one who didn’t think the “grenade” who inspired the “grenade horn” wasn’t that bad looking? Who goes to the club with her uncle? Finally, will Sammi make it to the end of the season?

American Idol: Hungry Like DeWolf

Guest judge Katy Perry famously smacked Kara DioGuardi down during last year’s audition rounds when Kara was blathering about a contestant’s sob story by reminding her that, “This isn’t a Lifetime movie, sweetheart.”

(I also remember that as the exact moment that I started thinking that Katy Perry was kinda cool.)

Well, if “American Idol” was actually “Backstory Idol”, then Chris Medina just won.

I’m not here to tell you how you should feel about a contestant on a reality singing competition offering up his life with his brain injury-addled fiancée for consumption by the entire country. Maybe you think it’s sweet that this guy — who is obviously fiercely loyal and has an unlimited amount of love for his partner — chose to share this experience with her. Maybe you think it was a way for a marginally-talented singer to get noticed by TV producers.

All I know is that I couldn’t help but tear up, especially when Steven “Don’t Call Me ‘Steve’” Tyler knelt over Juliana’s wheelchair, warmly embraced her and said, “He sings so well because he sings for you.”

I’d probably feel a lot less guilty (and a lot less manipulated) about tearing up if the producers hadn’t unofficially made the last 10 minutes of every “Idol” episode so far this year the Sob Story Slot, but it is what it is. (You could tell they saved it for last because the judges were CLEARLY wearing their clothes from the first day of auditions.) As for Chris’ actual singing: his version of The Script’s “Breakeven” was competent, but unspectacular. If he makes it to the viewer voting rounds, he has some work to do to change the perception that people would vote for his story instead of his voice. (All this, with Danny Gokey in da house!)

All that aside, this was the second consecutive incredibly solid episode of “Idol”, in terms of potential superstars. (This was also the second consecutive OUSTANDING episode for Steven Tyler, who began by attempting to jam out with Randy to “Sweet Emotion”, added a dramatic hair flip to the camera, and mixed in some random wails. Basically, I’m loving how much he’s loving being on this show!)

We have to start with Harvard graduate/White House intern/Randy Jackson face-punch victim (loved the sound effect) Molly DeWolf Swenson (pictured, right), who probably also fights crime at night. The Joely Richardon lookalike's version of “(Sittin’ on) The Dock of the Bay” started out so low, it was INSANE. In fact, let’s go to special correspondent Erica (reporting from the couch next to me) for her take. “It was one of the best auditions I’ve ever seen on this show.” (Well, then.) Really, her only flaw is that she may be perceived as too perfect and may not get enough viewer support. (“She works at the White House, she doesn’t NEED this!” — the last time I heard people say, “She doesn’t need this”, we would up with Lee DeWyze as our “American Idol.” Just sayin’.)

Speaking of singing low, there’s no denying that 16-going-on-32-year-old Scotty McCreery has top 12 potential and an early lock on the country singer slot. He seems likable, confident and assured. I just worry about what he’s going to do during the inevitable Beetles Week. (Among other non-country themes.)

Those two are the obvious ones. I’d also keep my eye on Summerfest worker/Summerfest stage piner Naima Adedapo, who really is striking looking and had a quietly excellent audition with her version of Donny Hathaway’s “For All We Know.” And although I didn’t flip for him nearly as much as J.Lo (the best she’d heard so far), I’d be surprised if we’ve heard the last of Scott Dangerfield, who’s got that dorky-yet-completely cool vibe totally down. He was similarly confident and assured during his rendition of “Dreamin’”

Other than that, the most significant moment of the episode was that one time I 100% agreed with a Randy Jackson critique. I think he was absolutely right to say that 15-year-old Emma Henry (with her textured, ultra-shaky version of “True Colors”) was simply not ready for this show yet, and would probably get swallowed up. Of course, he lost me at the part where he gave in once Emma started crying, but we were totally in synch for half a minute.

Fortunately, all 15 year olds are not created equal. This was proven by Thia Megia who rocked her audition with a strong version of “Chasing Pavements.” I just worry about her potentially being derivative. (Will she be as good or interesting when she’s not mimicking Adele?) I have a similar concern for rocker girl Alyson Jados, who squeaked through after banging out versions of “Come Together” and “Dream On” straight out of the Rocker Grrrl playbook. Then again, maybe Alyson will sound better when she’s not trembling from the excitement of meeting her idol Steven Tyler.

Still, as much as I’m (mostly) enjoying the new judging panel, I don’t always agree with them. For example, I think bat mitzvah/wedding singer Jerome Bell sang very well (and has star quality), but I also think he needed to dial it WAAAAY down during his rendition of “Let’s Get It On.” (Meanwhile, the judges seemed to actually love that it was all over the place.) Also, I didn’t get the Tiwan Strong thing at all. His “Twistin’ the Night Away” was competent at best, but didn’t show me why he’d be a relevant artist in 2011. Plus, it’s not good to be completely overshadowed by a relative with a charley horse. Finally, I think the judges were more impressed by how surprisingly good accountant Steve “Big Goon” Beghun was, than they would have been if he didn’t look like a giant dork. (Then again, I actually kinda like this guy.)

Overall, the episode gave us two hours of mostly solid singing with giant toothbrushes, Civil War re-enactors, operatic Justin Bieber fans, and clueless DJs sprinkled in.

So what’d you think of this episode? Does “Idol” have a bias against non-size 0 women, as Vernika Patterson claimed? Would it be too mean of me to suggest that Vernika take a look at a picture of Jordin Sparks or Fantasia (or a recent picture of Kelly Clarkson) as an argument against that? Could anyone else pull off a treble clef shirt? (Did J.Lo even pull off a treble clef shirt?) Finally, where do you stand on the Chris Medina issue?

NFL 2011 Conference Championship Picks

Yikes!

My last week (1-3 week, 4-4 playoffs) of picks was almost as big a catastrophe as the Ravens’ second half against the Steelers. (I said ALMOST because nothing is worse than the Ravens’ second half against the Steelers!)

I’m not even that bummed out that I was spectacularly wrong in predicting a Patriots blowout win against the Jets. First off, I was actually rooting for the Jets. Secondly, even Jets fans — if they’re being honest with themselves (ha!) — didn’t really think they’d win last week. So it’s been amusing watching them pretend that they knew they’d beat the Pats all along. (Silly Jets fans!)

As far as the Packers/Falcons…there’s no excuse for that one. Green Bay just smoked Atlanta.

Anyway, we’ve got two great games coming up this weekend, so let’s jump in.

GREEN BAY @ CHICAGO
The focus on this matchup has understandably been on how Aaron Rodgers — who actually burst into flames at one point during last week’s game— is going to fare against the Chicago Bears vaunted defense. (“Vaunted” is one of those words we never use in conversations outside of sports, isn’t it?)

I actually think the Bears defense will play as well as they did during Rodgers in the regular season, which is to say they kept him from going off. That means the key matchup will be the Packers underrated defense (and I only say “underrated” because Rodgers gets so much attention) against Jay Cutler and the Bears offense. I think they have the potential to force multiple turnovers.

On the other hand, I expect the Packers to cut WAY down on the mistakes (especially the penalties) that plagued them during their regular season loss in Chicago and advance to the Super Bowl.

N.Y. JETS @ PITTSBURGH
Ok, so I (along with pretty much every other NFL analyst, including people who are actually credible) had the Jets losing last week. But bear with me, and I’ll tell you why they’ll lose this week.

We all know about their gutty regular season win in Pittsburgh. You also probably know that Steelers safety Troy Polamalu (pictured, left) didn’t play in that game. With all due respect to Ben Roethlisberger, Troy Polamalu is Pittsburgh’s best player. Besides, even without Polamalu, the Jets only managed one offensive touchdown against Pittsburgh (that pretty Mark Sanchez bootleg). Things will not get easier with the Mighty Head and Shoulders spokesman back in the lineup.

What I’m trying to say is that, even though their wins on the road against the Colts and the Patriots were impressive, the Jets haven’t faced anything like the Pittsburgh defense in the playoffs.

What about the other side of the ball? The biggest reason Tom Brady and Patriots offense struggled wasn’t because of excellent pressure (despite all the sacks we saw)…it was because of excellent coverage downfield. Brady actually had plenty of time to throw; he just had nowhere to go. Brady (and Manning) are unwilling to run when no one’s open. That wont’ be a problem for Roethlisberger, who actually seems to play better when the pocket collapses and is a lot harder to bring down than those other two quarterbacks.

Despite the fact that I’m making this sound like it’s going to be a blowout, the Jets have obviously shown excellent resilience and shouldn’t be counted out. Still, I’m thinking that it’s going to be Pittsburgh taking on the Pack in the Super Bowl.

American Idol: The Big Easy

The first episode of “American Idol” with Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez established that (for better or worse) this was going to be a kindler, gentler judges’ panel.

Unfortunately, the shockingly low amount of quality singers in New Jersey with the true potential to be the next “American Idol” that advanced to the Hollywood round made them look like even bigger softies than they already are.

Fortunately, the second audition episode in New Orleans delivered more budding “Idols” in one hour, than Jersey gave us in two. (This, despite filler segments heavy on footage featuring swamps, riverboats and, um, swamps.)

Even the bad auditions/clowns were mostly and mercifully confined to mere montages of atrociousness. The only true failure I can really remember is the Mick Jagger lookalike with the pillow lips who actually didn’t even sound that bad. (His main problem was that he was completely ridiculous.)

Also, like the first episode, the hour ended with a sob story in the form of Paris Tassin. Paris enjoys singing to her adorable daughter Keira, who has to wear a hearing aid. I thought her version of “Temporary Home” was actually pretty rough at parts (especially in the beginning). The biggest thing in her favor was that she connected with her song more than anyone else I’ve seen this season. If she can continue to do that, she might be ok. (Obviously, a singer doesn’t have to be technically perfect to be an effective artist.)

Still, arguably the best part of this segment was when J.Lo stopped by to say hi to Baby Keira after Paris had advanced to Hollywood. That coat La Lopez was wearing was the hotness!

I’d put Jacquelyn Dupree a not below Paris for her competent, tepid rendition of “I’ll Stand By You”, which I immediately forgot as soon as she started singing. But hey, her uncle was Randy Jackson’s football coach, so by all means, “Welcome to Hollywood!”

As for the following five singers: I honestly see top 20/12/10 whatever potential with each of them.

I can easily see people rallying behind the well-conditioned Brett Lowenstern, the teenage “outcast” who delighted the judges with his clear, lovely rendition of “Bohemian Rhapsody.” When a male singer has a high, girly, lilting singing voice, they don’t usually also have a high, girly, lilting singing voice too, so that was interesting. I can just as easily see him collapsing under the pressure in Hollywood, as I can see America rallying behind him.

I have a harder time imagining America rallying behind beefcake Jovany Barreto, who absolutely had me in his corner after a fantastic rendition of a Luis Miguel tune, but he absolutely lost me when he accepted his friends’ dare and took off his shirt in front of the judges. Come on, Jovanny. You’re not Bikini Girl! You’ve actually got the goods. (No, not THOSE goods!) You don’t NEED to disrobe to get attention. Most alarmingly, your display led to Steven Tyler and Randy Jackson flashing us as well. (Ugh to Randy Jackson’s lower stomach.) I also thought it was kind of interesting that Jovanny was obsessed with Jennifer Lopez….’s husband Marc Anthony.

Then again, I can see Jovany being the token Hispanic singer who gets eliminated during the first week that America votes.

Meanwhile, the most memorable thing about 28-year-old Sarah Sellers may be that she could potentially be Steven Tyler’s lovechild, but I wouldn’t sleep on her. I thought her fantastic version of Bob Dylan’s “Make You Feel My Love” was confident and soulful in a way we haven’t seen with so many teenagers getting so much screen time. In fact, Steven/dad(?) told her that she was through to Hollywood the moment she laid eyes on him (huh?), but recovered by saying, “Mostly, I like your voice.” (Well then.)

I also thought Jordan Dorsey, piano and vocal teacher, definitely radiated star power during his version of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”, even before he decided to “change it up.” Not bad for the first singer in last night’s episode. I thought he was cool and confident, but I can see him being perceived as cocky, so that’s something to keep an eye on.

Finally, there’s Jacee Badeaux (pictured, right), one of those darn kids I was talking about a few paragraphs ago. Of course, you could bring on as many teenagers as you want if they’re going to deliver performances as delightful, assured and tuneful as his take on “(Sittin’ on) The Dock of the Bay.” (I probably could’ve done without him pointing at his watch as he sang, “…Wasting time.”) I can absolutely see America rallying behind him and pushing him to the top 12.

In fact, he was so good that I felt absolutely horrible for making the joke in my head about how he looks and sounds like he ate Justin Bieber. Thank goodness I didn’t say that out loud.

(No need for stinging comments…I’m well aware that I’m a horrible person.)

So what’d you think of this episode? Who’d win a middle-aged rocker shirt off-off — Steven Tyler or Brett Michaels? Did you see any potential “Idols” in New Orleans? Finally, is this “American Idol Camp” we heard about last night just taking people’s money?

Jersey Shore: Roger That!

For the second week in a row, “Jersey Shore” pulled a slight bait and switch on us. (How tricky of you, “Jersey Shore”!)

Last week’s episode probably should’ve been about Sammi finally declaring a cease fire on Snooki, Deena and the rest of the house/world…except for J-Woww. Instead, it ended up being the Snooki Happy Drunky Fall-Down Hour.

This week’s episode looked like it was going to be “Intervention: Jersey Shore” with Snooki coming out of jail and vowing to stop drinking after her father ripped her a new one and threatened to take her home.

Not only did Mr. Polizzi not follow through on his threat (was anyone else curious to see how tall he was?), and not only did Snooki — in a shocking twist! — already start finding ways to break her vow (if Pinot is good enough for pregnant women, it’s good enough for Snooki), but the episode actually ended up being all about J-Woww.

More specifically, the episode focused on her inevitable breakup with Whiny Tom (his official name) and her reconciliation with Roger (That), who quickly endeared himself to the rest of the cast by bringing juiceheads for Deena (who was underwhelmed) and Snooki (who was so whelmed she s--- her pants.)

To be fair, it’s completely possible that Tom has gotten a bad rap on the show. I tried to call him this morning to get his take on things, but he started bitching about why I didn’t call him last night, so I hung up on him. Then I remembered that he’s not a member of the cast, so I don’t really care whether he’s getting a bad rap or not.

After calling Snooki’s dad following her arrest (hopefully, she’s washed all the sand out of her inner-boob), J-Woww tried to call Tom for some comfort, but once Tom found out that Snooki had been arrested “today”, he started wondering why J-Woww didn’t call him last nig…whoops, we just hung up on him. He tried to call back, but J-Woww was having none of it.

Later in the episode, he tried to re-endear himself by calling and asking if his girlfriend was there or if he was talking to bitch with the bad attitude (oh Tom). Unbeknownst to Tom, the worse he acted, the better Roger looked in J-Woww’s eyes, especially since turned out that he did NOT have a girlfriend after all (probably) and that J-Woww’s friend confused him with someone else in the previous episode. My favorite part about the scene where J-Woww broke up with Tom over the phone was that the rest of the cast started off by making jokes (“Roger that!”), but by the time J-Woww hung up and walked away crying, they’d stopped in order to support and comfort their friend. I was also impressed by a scene earlier where Pauly D (who is fantastic and my favorite character, but rarely gets very deep) told J-Woww that she seemed happier with Roger when she asked for his advice.

Whether all of this show or some of this show is scripted, and whether or not these people actually get along with each other, they’re all in this crazy, tequila-soaked ride together!

J-Woww would need that support later on when she rushed home because Tom (Vick?) had apparently left her dogs to fend for themselves in the house they shared. On top of that, he may have stolen her treasured watch, a hard drive (possibly containing those compromising photos that were in the news a few months back) and…something to do with Pay Pal.

One person not offering his support was Ronnie, who tried and failed to make the “pot calling the kettle black” analogy with him and J-Woww in regards to their infidelity. So if you’re scoring at home, Ronnie is actually equating J-Woww sitting in a club and having a conversation/dancing with her ex-boyfriend (which is all she’d done up to that point) to his triple kisses and assorted debauchery in Miami while stringing Sammi along.

If only we could replace Ronnie without anyone noticing. Turns out Vinny and Pauly had the same idea when they spotted wingwoman Deena dancing with Ronnie’s stunt double/evil twin named Dean. (Dean and Deena, Snooki/Nicole and Nick…what was going on last night?!)

Obviously, they had no choice but to bring “Ronnie” home (he was already going to go in the hot tub with Deena) and try to slip him into bed with Sammi to see if she would notice. Twist! It turns out Ronnie knows “Ronnie”, and “Ronnie” also has a girlfriend named “Sam.” That didn’t stop “Ronnie” from claiming he was single and cuddling with Deena all night long.

This led to the funniest part of the episode (besides Pauly saying to Snooki, “I just hope prison time didn’t change you): Vinny and Pauly started riffing on last year’s anonymous letter fiasco by threatening to write one to “Sam” and letting her know about “Ronnie’s” tryst with Deena. The best part was their suggested use of a thesaurus and their idea to use 10-dollar words like “in lieu of…” Ultimately, they decided it’d be a violation of girl code.

So what’d you think of this episode? I know they work at a T-shirt shop, but wasn’t J-Woww ready with that “Free Snooki” shirt a little too quickly? (Or maybe she had it made during season 1 for when Snooki inevitably got arrested for public intoxication.) If you were voicing J-Woww's boobs, what would you make them sound like? What was The Situation up to in this episode? (Dancing with the "Stars", perhaps?) When is Danny the Boss going to hang out with the crew? (Oh wait, he’s the one person this show who acts like an adult, so never!) Finally, is being in jail more of a phenomenon or a train wreck?

American Idol: New Jersey, New Judges

It’s great to see some things never change.

The buzz surrounding the 10th season of “American Idol” (which premiered last night) has understandably focused on what’s going to be different this time around. Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez in, Simon Cowell, Ellen DeGeneres and Kara “Hey, Remember Me?!” DioGuardi out!

There are also changes to the show’s format in later rounds, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Having only seen one episode of the new season, I want to focus in on the judges’ panel. I was surprised to find one inescapable constant:

Randy Jackson is still an absolutely terrible and thoroughly useless presence on this show. I’d read quotes from him about how “The Dawg” was going to step up this season. Nope, still as irrelevant always. (But noticeably thinner.)

Like I said; some things never change.

As for the newbies — I was surprised by both Tyler and J.Lo. I’m still trying to figure out if I was surprised in a good way.

A lot of the talk coming into the season centered around who was going to be the new “Simon”, that is to say who was going to be the “mean one”, which really meant, “Who was going to be the person on the judges’ table who was going to give voice to the same snarky criticism we were firing off from our couch?” In fact, Simon looked so bored these last couple of years that even he didn’t really want to work up the energy to be “the mean one.”

I didn’t think either of the new judges were up to that task, and I was right! It turns out they’re both kind of…Paula! J.Lo has the pop star/questionable singer credentials and the niceness-to-a-fault quality, while Steven Tyler has the batshit crazy quality from Paula’s best/worst days.

Tyler, especially, was entertaining to watch whether he was harmonizing or wailing along with a contestant’s audition or borderline creepily hitting on 15 and 16 year olds. J.Lo was a kind, stabilizing force and radiated an undeniable star power from the judges’ table. So far, this judging gig actually looks good on her.

But enough about the judges. One of the show’s biggest problems in recent years is that it was too often about the judges.

Let’s talk about the contestants, but forgive me if I keep it brief because the ones we saw at the New Jersey audition was an underwhelming bunch. We’ll just say they were lucky that they caught a couple of new judges who weren’t used to the idea of being cruel, because some of the people we saw receive golden tickets did NOT deserve them.

I’m thinking of the very first singer we saw last night (after about 10 minutes of previews for the upcoming season…not that it was annoying).

Apparently, Rachel Zevita auditioned in season 6 and made it to Hollywood (before being cut the first day there) on the “strength” of her operatic stylings. Personally, I would’ve cut her this year as soon as she started singing “Hallelujah” (if there’s a more played out song on this show, by all means…), but the judges should’ve cut her because her audition was simply not good enough. The judges said they wanted to see more, but unfortunately, Rachel has “cut on the first day of Hollywood Week” written all over her again. Speaking of songs that need to be retired, I’d also like to nominate Alicia Keys’ “If I Ain’t Got You”, sung by Melinda Ademi. The only problem was that the only thing I remembered about her performance was…that her parents were refugees from Kosovo.

I’m also thinking 16 3/4-year-old Victoria Huggins, who sang an unremarkable version of “Midnight Train to Georgia”, has an annoying voice and generally looks and acts like Vanessa Bayer’s impression of Miley Cyrus on “Saturday Night Live.” (Ok, so I enjoyed her version of the “American Idol” theme music.) Still, she related to Randy by saying “Yo, yo dawg” so let’s give her a golden ticket.

Then there’s Star-boobs (a distant relative of Starburns from “Community”), aka Tiffany Rios. As a connoisseur of both “Idol” and “Jersey Shore”, I’d like to keep those two worlds separate. (In fact, “Jersey Shore” should probably be separate from everything else, just to be safe.) The most painful thing about this segment was that Tiffany could actually sing a little bit. The ridiculousness was unnecessary. (I mean the additional ridiculousness — she struck me as a fairly ridiculous person either way.) The worst offender was Ashley Sullivan, who taught us all that to get ahead in life you should cry, beg and act desperate to get what you want out of life. (Or, at least, a trip to Hollywood.)

After that, you had your solid middle of the road-type talent. Robbie Rosen, 16, spent part of his childhood in a wheelchair due to hip synovitis, and delivered a decent rendition of “Yesterday.” I’d love to tell you more, but the only thing I remember is his giant nose. (I already know I’m a horrible person, thankyouverymuch!) In a similarly shallow vein, the thing I remember most about Caleb Howley despite a fun, lively audition, was his bright eyes (“turn around”?) and how he’s the most likely to get a Hollywood (Week) makeover

Meanwhile, 15-year-old Kenzie Palmer (the first contestant to inadvertently set off the Perv Detector at my viewing party) was very solid, but I saw what Steven was saying about her lacking pizzazz. Kenzie ended up being one of the stronger singers of the night, along with Brielle Von Hugel, whose strong version of “Endless Love” was mostly overshadowed by the story of her father surviving throat cancer.

Not surprisingly, the show saved its obliquely-anointed star of the evening for last with Travis Orlando’s audition. The kid (whose family has hit hard times recently) delivered with delightful versions of “Eleanor Rigby” and “I’m Yours.” I can see why they saved him for last because he’s good, but I don’t think he’s anything mind-blowing. Still, he stood head and shoulders above almost everyone else last night. In fact, his main problem may be that we already have a Bruno Mars, so we don’t really need another one.

This thing is getting long (that’s what she said), so why don’t we just squeeze the clowns into one paragraph?

Chris Cordeiro’s tragic bangs/straw fedora combo was truly unfortunate. (Also, his mom sounded better on “My Way.”) Why would Michael Perotto think that his constant burping would endear him to anyone? (Or his version of “Proud Mary?”) Ivory Coast native Achille Lovle is having her money stolen by her “vocal coach.” Finally, Yoji “Pop” Asano’s Michael Jackson/”Party in the U.S.A.” shtick was too contrived to be enjoyable for me.

So why’d you think of this episode? Why did Tiffany Rios pair her Star-boobs with a pair of gray work pants? Do you like that the show reduced the age minimum to 15? (For me, it mostly led to uncomfortable situation where I would check out a contestant before realizing, to my horror, that she could be a freshman in high school.) Why is “Broadway” passive aggressively considered a tier below “American Idol.” (You’re not good enough/what we’re looking for, but I hear Broadway’s hiring down the street.)

Finally, was there anything better than Steven going in for a high five, and Randy going in for a first bump, resulting in a “paper covers rock” moment. (Big ups to the editors for leaving that in!)

Desperate Housewives: Frank Talk

I missed last Sunday’s episode of “Desperate Housewives” partly because of the Golden Globes, and mostly because of a “Rock Band” marathon with friends.

Since everything that needs to be said about this episode has already been said (assuming people still actually talk about this show), here are my quick hit thoughts:

- Not a great last few months for Eva Longoria (not Parker). First her husband (allegedly) cheats on her with a teammate’s less-attractive wife (among others), and now she has to pretend like she’s obsessed with a doll on her day job.

Fortunately, the show is acknowledging the ridiculousness of this storyline by having Mrs. McCluskey point out to Carlos that Gabby is cuckoo. Unfortunately, I still fully expect the emotional/ludicrous carjacking scene from the end of the episode to be the Clip of the Week on “The Soup.”

- Ok, I’ll admit it. I laughed out loud when I saw that doll in a car seat.

- Anyone else disappointed Mrs. McCluskey didn’t actually follow through and attend that tea party with Gabby and Princess Valerie before talking to Carlos. Also, $800 for a doll?!

- I feel like Gregory Itzin (the great Charles Logan on “24”) was both overqualified and misused on this show. His crotchety Dick blew Teri Hatcher’s Susan off the screen and, like his character, he was generally a downer. (Seeing his face light up when he thought he was getting a kidney was good work.)

- In a related story, this show officially has absolutely no idea what to do with Teri Hatcher.

- I’ve been wondering if Brian Austin Green was going to be part of this show for the long run. We got a resounding “Hell no!” last night, after former girlfriend Amber showed up with the news that Keith has a six-year-old son he doesn’t know about.

Whether it turns out to be Keith’s son or not (and we have no reason to believe it isn’t) is beside the point. What matters is that Bree decided to keep his son’s existence a secret out of fear of losing him. When (not if) Keith finds out, it’s going to be over. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted. Sorta.

- The show has been playing up this “Who Shot Paul Young?” angle, so who better to bring on as a guest star than Larry Hagman (pictured, left), the center of the iconic “Who Shot J.R.?” mystery which inspired the lesser, current storyline.

I’ll be damned if I didn’t laugh at Frank, his racist/inappropriate character, who Lynette’s mom Stella (Polly Bergen) was marrying for companionship after claiming she just wanted his money.

- I recent that remark about real men not eating salads. How dare you, sir?!

- The fact that Renee has been longing for a daughter all these years came out of nowhere (I guess she was pining for that when she wasn’t busy pining for Tom), but at least it gave Vanessa Williams her own storyline independent from the rest of the main cast.

Plus, she got two great moments when she told Bob and Lee that if their daughter ever called her “Old Auntie Renee” she would kick her, and when she made a kid riding on the sidewalk fall down just by glaring and putting up her hand after bragging about her maternal side.

- Ok, so we know that Paul knows that his wife Beth is Felicia’s daughter. Was his plan REALLY going to be to just take her out to a remote cabin and kill her? Really, Paul? You’re going to kill your wife WHILE the police are snooping around trying to figure out who shot you? You don’t think it’d be a little suspicious if your wife turned up dead. Come on, Paul! You’re better than that.

Thankfully, it looks like Paul recognized the gun the police showed him (that Beth found in Bree’s house) as the one that Mary Alice used to kill herself and was presumably in the possession of his son, Zach Young.

So what’d you think of this episode? Where exactly is this allegedly sketchy part of town that we haven’t really seen before? (I’m guessing Amber’s motel wasn’t too far from there.) Will Gabby see Princess Valerie again? (Will he ask for ransom?) Finally, so, um…what happened to the halfway house on the block?