Hell's Kitchen: And the Winner Is...

After a season’s worth of typical “Hell’s Kitchen” insanity — grisly injuries, a cook getting in Chef Ramsay’s face, and countless pulverized, under/overcooked pieces of fish — I was a little shocked at how competent our final three was.

Honestly, in my four seasons (yikes!) of watching this eminently watchable train wreck, Kevin, Ariel and Dave are as good as a final trio gets (on this show anyway).

The winner would be headed to Whistler, British Columbia to run the Araxi restaurant — and to potentially offend the rest of the world with his or her lack of knowledge about world cuisine.

At least that’s where it looked like Dave might be heading when he found out he had to create an Indian dish in 45 minutes. Each of the three finalists had to make a dish from a different country — Kevin drew Mexico, Ariel drew China — before presenting it to an esteemed chef who specializes in that cuisine. (And whose names I honestly don’t feel like looking up because they don’t matter and I’m lazy.)

Dave seemed to spend most of his allotted time trying to figure out which meat/protein would offend the Indian judge/chef least before finally settling on pork. Through the magic of editing, his late start was a non-issue and all the competitors finished on time.

Ariel bumbled her way through an intro and effectively eliminated herself from contention (that and her “watery” sauce). It really came down to Kevin and Dave, with Dave picking up the win in part due to Kevin forgetting his chocolate sauce. (Remember when he forgot the garnish during a team challenge with Tennille?)

As a reward, the three guest chefs/judges prepared a lunch for Dave, his fiancée and his sister, the latter two of whom still look a bit too much alike for my taste. (Seriously, Dave — it’s a little icky that we can’t immediately tell which one is your sister and which is your fiancée.)

The dinner service brought one of my favorite parts of “Hell’s Kitchen” — each of the three finalists getting a turn to run the pass. (Unfortunately, it didn’t bring back the segment where Ramsay acts meek and has the finalists yell at him in order to show them “leadership.”)

Kevin was up first and performed strongly. I’m a big believer that reality show contestants should at least check out a program beforehand so that they know what they’re getting into. I don’t know whether Kevin had seen “Hell’s Kitchen” before, but we at home know that Ramsay always has a little sabotage up his sleeve. In the end, it didn’t matter because Kevin passed the sneaky quality-control test with flying colors. I’m also pretty sure he was being intentionally nitpicky toward Ariel’s lambs in an attempt to rattle her.

Dave was up next and basically did a bad impersonation of Ramsay, throwing stuff and kicking a garbage can. Unfortunately, he failed his first two quality-control tests before finally settling into a groove. Though he may have been overly forceful, he did a nice job of getting results. (And I love how the slightly-menacing Chef Scott can only take so much abuse: “Watch it.”)

Ariel was up third, failed her first quality-control test (it all looks like mashed potatoes to me too) before passing her second one, and had a hell of a time managing Kevin. As I mentioned before, I’m pretty sure Kevin was intentionally trying to rattle Ariel here by cooking and working slowly (we ALL know he’s better than that). I think that Kevin believed he’d have an easier time beating the one-armed bandit in the finals. Whether that was Kevin’s plan or not, he got what he apparently wanted as Ariel received the boot at the end of the first hour (and got to keep her jacket).

Kevin and Dave were unnecessarily asked to change clothes, ride a glass elevator that probably would’ve made me dizzy (at the Westin Bonaventure Hotel) and meet Ramsay at a rooftop. There, he presented their challenge: create a dish worthy of the Araxi restaurant in 45 minutes.

It was Kevin’s lobster vs. Dave’s venison as a curiously enthusiastic crowd cheered them on. (Honestly, who the hell WERE those people?) This being “Hell’s Kitchen”, the challenge came down to the final judge whose name I won’t bother looking up because none of us care. In the end, it was Dave making it 2-for2 in challenge wins for the evening. (This probably should’ve given me a hint as to who was going to win.)

He earned first pick among six returning contestants for the final dinner service. For the record, the teams ended up being Dave, Ariel, Robert and Suzanne (good call picking Suzanne — she’s hateable, but a solid cook) vs. Kevin, Van, Amanda and Sabrina. However, all I could think the entire time was “where the hell is Tennille?”

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think she’s an amazing chef or anything, but I was mildly shocked that the show missed out on a chance to bring the season’s preeminent quote machine back one last time. In fact, when Amanda consistently screwed everything up in Kevin’s kitchen (the scallops, the risotto, the customer’s orders after Kevin kicked her out and made her a waitress — ok, that last one didn’t happen) I fully expected Tennille to show up, yell “Get off my station, PLEASE!” and take over.

Alas, no Tennille at all. Instead we were left with Kevin angrily yelling at his team (except for Van, who was a rock star) before eventually figuring out that a calmer approach may be more effective.

Over on the blue side, Dave took a mellower approach than he did when he ran the pass in the previous hour and it looked better on him because he’s just a mellow dude. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think Robert messing with him was funny, but other than that Dave was an effective, confident leader.

And that ended up being the reason Ramsay chose him as the winner. Coming into the finale, I figured a Dave victory would be a result of reality show producers not being able to resist an irresistible angle (chef overcomes debilitating injury). However, Dave went out and pretty much dominated over the last two hours of the finale and beat two strong competitors (Kevin, especially, was a favorite from day one in his own mind and in reality) to earn the win.

After an unnecessarily sensationalistic premiere and first few episodes, this turned out to be a surprisingly engaging and strong season of “Hell’s Kitchen.” I’m looking forward for the show’s return in the summer. How about you?

So what’d you think of this episode? Did you enjoy the outtakes at the very end? (I think they should show outtakes at the end of every episode, but they won’t because that would only remind us how phony a lot of this show is.) Did you miss not having the chefs design their own sides of the restaurant? (I’m guessing they took that part out after Danny won last season with such a tacky design job — or maybe they didn’t think two dudes would care what their faux-restaurant looked like.) Did Ramsay make the right decision? Finally, I really need an answer — where the hell was Tennille?!

Dancing with the Stars: Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered

Four new dances — the Charleston, the Lambada, the country two-step, and the Bolero — debuted on the latest episode of “Dancing with the Stars.”

However, since the show didn’t bother giving us any sort of introduction to the new dances (I was particularly lost in what to look for in the Bolero), I’m not going to bother writing a proper intro to this recap either.

Let’s just right in and talk about the couples, in order of appearance.

Chuck Lidell & Anna T: You would think bringing “carnage” and “mayhem” to the ballroom would be bad things, but these are Chuck’s strengths according to the judges. His two-step was predictably clumsy, but it required the least amount of movement out of the new styles, putting it right in Chuck’s wheelhouse. For me (and for Chuck), the charm is wearing off — I simply don’t enjoy watching him “dance.”

Melissa Joan Hart & Mark: I’ll definitely go along with you if you want to say that Melissa had her breakout week with the Charleston, but there’s no way you’ll ever get me to agree that her performance deserved a 10 (from Bruno) — not unless we’re grading on a curve and comparing it to her earlier, more tentative efforts. As a matter of fact, that Charleston had “8” written all over it. I’m guessing Bruno was dazzled by the “black and white” effect (pictured, right, and which he couldn’t see since he was there in person). Or Mark’s moustache. I’m still feeling like this super high score (28) is more of a one-time thing and Melissa is closer to being a tentative that dancer than she is a true contender for the title.

Natalie Coughlin & Alec: After a particularly bossy rehearsal package, these two basically performed a somewhat worse version of last week’s rumba, which earned straight 9s. Honestly, I didn’t really know what to look for in their Bolero, which was a slower, less sexy outing than last time. Also, being compared to Sharon Stone would’ve been much more exciting 15 years ago.

Aaron Carter & Karina: For some reason, Aaron seemed to devote most of his rehearsal time to perfecting his flip. To his credit, he nailed it and it was impressive. Unfortunately, that ended up being the best part of their Lambada. It may have sounded harsh, but Carrie Ann was exactly right — he tries too hard and it turns some people off. (Anyone else hoping she’d take the final step and simply say, “People don’t like you.”)

Mark Dacascos & Lacey: Instead of praising them by saying their two-step was “the best of the evening”, the judges should’ve just told them that they were the tallest people at a midget convention. Honestly, the competition from Chuck and Louie wasn’t exactly fierce.

Kelly Osbourne & Louis: Yes, Kelly performed well, though I still wish she was better about hiding her horror when she temporarily loses her way in a routine. And, yes, we’re all a little surprised that Samantha Harris has been on Broadway and Kelly Osbourne hasn’t. Still, I’m sure all we could think about during Kelly’s fun, “Cabaret”-inspired Charleston was, “Louis’ makeup, Louis’ makeup, Louis’ makeup.” Awesome. (Kelly doesn’t make for a bad Liza herself.)

Joanna Krupa & Derek: Their Lambada was more “hot” than it was “well-danced.” Still, when I watch this couple, I can’t help but feel like people are OBVIOUSLY voting for Derek’s sake more than they are for Joanna. (Right, right?!) As a result, going shirtless (as opposed to 80% shirtless) probably earned him another 50,000 votes. Finally, that trip to the animal shelter was random, even for this show.

Donny Osmond & Kym: Donny’s posture still sucks, but that’s not the end of the world in swing dances. Their Charleston routine probably had the most fundamental content, and Donny performed it very well. I think it was my favorite of the evening. (Louis’ makeup.)

Michael Irvin & Anna D.: It’s official: Anna D was a 49ers fan in the 1990’s and is sabotaging Michael Irvin to get him kicked out of the competition. I mean, what other explanation is there for her completely uninspired choreography? (Ok, ok, “inexperience” is probably a good reason too.) Once again, Michael had little to do other than move slowly across the dance floor, stop, and pose. Even though I kind of hated Irvin as a football player, I’ve enjoyed him on the show (so has Aaron Carter), so it’s kind of painful to watch the judges hammer him when it’s his partner who appears to be letting him down. The good news is he probably won’t have to deal with their abuse much longer.

Louie Vito & Chelsie: What the hell happened, Louie?! I’ve enjoyed this guy from week one, and the trip to Ty Murray’s ranch was thoroughly enjoyable. Unfortunately, their two-step was a disaster. I’m not even sure Louie was awake during the routine. I’m guessing that, after last week’s sexy rumba, Louie feels like he’s accomplished what he came for and will mail it in from her on out. I hope not.

Mya & Dmitry: Mya was excellent (and shiny!) once again during a hot Lambada. My only advice to her would be to listen Dmitry and do everything he says. I know she was in “Chicago” (and Kelly Osbourne was NOT), but it doesn’t mean that she knows more than Dmitry about choreographing dances. Other than that, I actually kind of admire Len’s staunch refusal to give her a 10 right now. If she gets a 30 now, what does she have to work toward over the next two months?

So what’d you think of this episode? Why didn’t they have any of the women take on the two-step? Doesn’t it feel like Gilles Marini could’ve gotten up from his chair in the audience and danced better than any of the men last night? Finally, who do you think is going home? (Goodbye, Michael.)

Conflict of Interest: Steve Slaton edition

No, I haven’t been slacking off. (Not this time, at least.)

It’s just that after a week 2 that featured FOUR fantasy football conflicts of interest, my life had been blissfully conflict-free for the last couple of Sundays/Mondays.

Well, all of that is over thanks to Mr. Steve Slaton. I own Slaton in my Yahoo Football PLUS league, while I’m facing him in my Yahoo Football (Regular) squad.

I’m 3-1 in both leagues and, obviously, I’d like to win both matchups. I’m actually going to hope Slaton has a strong game on the ground, and here’s why:

The team I’m facing in my Yahoo Football (Regular) league is called the Keyboard Cats, but they might as well be called the Keyboard Texans, because the owner has Slaton, QB Matt Schaub and WR Andre Johnson on his squad. I’m not naïve (or optimistic) enough to think Arizona is going to shut all three of those guys down, so I’m going to hope they double (or triple) team Johnson and generally guard against the pass, leaving the semi-struggling Slaton with enough room to run. (Emphasis on RUN: I don’t want him doing too much damage in the passing game either.)

Dream statline: 20 carries for 97 yards and 1 TD, and three catches for 20 yards.

NFL 2009 Week 5 picks

JaMarcus Russell is the worst quarterback I have ever seen.

That’s pretty much all I need to say in regards to Sunday’s upcoming Raiders/Giants game. Ten words is all it takes to break down that game (and, really, ANY Raider game as long as Russell is under center).

After another solid outing with my picks, (9-5 week, 44-18 overall) I thought I’d switch things up a bit and break down each of this weekend’s matchups using just 10 words.

CLEVELAND @ BUFFALO
With Braylon gone, can Cleveland win? Oh wait, he sucked.

DALLAS @ KANSAS CITY
Romo will REALLY be screwed after they lose at Arrowhead.

MINNESOTA @ ST. LOUIS
Brett Favre gets to rest his arm after Monday night.

OAKLAND @ N.Y. GIANTS
JaMarcus Russell is the worst quarterback I have EVER seen.

TAMPA BAY @ PHILADELPHIA
Can Philly fans just hit me with a battery now?

PITTSBURGH @ DETROIT
RAW-thlisberger wrestled instead of preparing for Lions – will STILL win.

WASHINGTON @ CAROLINA
I HAVE to start Delhomme in fantasy. Please don’t suck.

CINCINNATI @ BALTIMORE
The Bengals have been impressive, but Baltimore is still better.

ATLANTA @ SAN FRANCISCO
I BUILT the Niners bandwagon – why pick against them now?

JACKSONVILLE @ SEATTLE
Traveling across country will hurt Jacksonville – so will Hasselbeck’s return.

HOUSTON @ ARIZONA
More interesting as fantasy football game than real life contest.

NEW ENGLAND @ DENVER
Even after they lose, Denver will STILL be “for real.”

INDIANAPOLIS @ TENNESSEE
Will Manning throw four or five touchdown passes against Tennessee?

N.Y. JETS @ MIAMI
I would rather watch Rex Ryan and Channing Crowder fight.

Heroes: Digging up the past

Last week’s episode (smartly) focused on just a portion of our Heroes, so this week we got to see how the other half lives.

And if you’re Noah, you live a lonely, pathetic existence in which the week’s big adventure consists of you switching things up by ordering a pasta dinner.

This episode was called “Acceptance”, and, yes, there were many emo-esque musings (unfortunately, this show’s specialty) about denying one’s true nature and destiny before eventually coming to grips with it. However, there were also enough lively scenes and performances to keep things interesting.

The Noah/Claire scene in which she tried to encourage him to get a job (and a life!) was funny. I loved her running down his resume, and Noah gently reminding her that all that stuff was a sham and his real skills don’t extend too far beyond abducting people. You could tell Noah was down in the dumps because (for only the fifth or sixth time) he wasn’t wearing a suit.

Whether he wants to or not, things are about to get more interesting for HRG as he appears to be Samuel Sullivan’s next target. The most interesting thing for me about the brief Samuel scene wasn’t that there is dissention in his ranks (courtesy of Edgar), but that he appeared genuinely afraid of Noah. I didn’t expect that from a cool cat like Samuel.

We also caught up with Tracy this week, who was angling for her job back as an aide to New York Governor(/sleazebag) Malden. Apparently her brief death last year resulted in a bout of amnesia because she seems to have forgotten the fact that Malden thought of her as little more than a glorified hooker. She sought advice from Noah, but her character so far appears as aimless as ever (I want revenge! Ok, I’m over it) and the writers have done little to change my opinion that she should’ve stayed dead.

On the other hand, they managed to not make me COMPLETELY roll my eyes at every scene involving Hiro.

Yes, they’ve explored the futility of his time traveling before and more successfully (his failure to save Charlie the waitress in season 1). Also, the fact that he can travel back in time 47 times to save some office drone without creating any sort of major paradox is confusing given how much attention was paid to the butterfly effect in earlier seasons.

However, the fact that Hiro finally seemed to accept that he’s going to die (even if I haven’t — don’t buy it) and opened up to his sister about everything was encouraging. For the first time in a while he behaved like a grown-up. More of this please because, through all this, Masi Oka has remained one of the show’s most appealing performers.

Speaking of going back in time, remember when Angela briefly met with her mysterious friend Millie last season and asked her for help? Me neither. Ok, I barely remembered because Millie was played by Swoosie Kurtz in season 3’s “Cold Snap” and I thought she could have some excellent scenes with Cristine Rose down the line.

Last night’s episode certainly delivered in that regard.

Angela, up to her old manipulating tricks, brought some of Nathan’s old trinkets knowing Sylar possessed the ability to know the history of an object just by holding it. (Shame on me for thinking that power was useless last year.) Unfortunately, with Nathan’s memories came the fact that Nathan had been responsible for the accidental death of Kelly Houston, Millie’s daughter.

Overcome with guilt, Nathan confessed what he did to Millie who tearfully sent him away only to have him kidnapped, thrown in a ditch and shot by a henchman. In the show’s best sequence (other than the chilling shot of Kelly’s head hitting the side of the pool) Millie sat and smiled in Angela’s face during dinner as we simultaneously saw Nathan get abducted and murdered. Cold (Snap!)

But we weren’t done there kids. Apparently, the death of “Nathan” also allowed for the return of Sylar to his old body. My favorite thing about him rising from his shallow grave (pictured, left) was the fact that, even though his entire face was covered in dirt, Zachary Quinto’s eyebrows were still CLEARLY visible.

So what’d you think of this episode? Happy to have Sylar back to his old self again, or will you miss him harassing Parkman? Have we seen the last of Adrian Pasdar on this show? Finally, is there any way this show really kills Hiro off?

Project Runway: Wedding dress for success

Remember a couple of weeks ago when I was so disappointed in the results on “Project Runway” that I flung my TV remote in disgust?

Last night’s episode may have been even worse. Thank goodness we (and Shirin) have Tim Gunn to keep us sane.

Things started out promisingly enough with an interesting challenge that would really test the designers’ creativity and, more importantly, unleash a group of sassy divorcees onto the streets of Los Angeles in fabulous new outfits. At least that was the plan.

The contestants got to pick a divorcee they wanted to work with, though they were really picking the dresses. Irina went first and picked the dress with the most material to work with. Shirin, on the other hand, got stuck with the dress with the least amount of yardage AND the most difficult client.

That’s why I’m willing to (mostly) forgive the fact that approximately 70% of the episode was comprised of Shirin complaining/fretting. Her bubbly and muscular client Charlie wanted a Cher-inspired monstrosity complete with feathered headdress. Shirin wanted to crawl in a hole and die.

Enter Tim Gunn, who saved the day by comforting a weepy Shirin and telling her to scrap the feathers and start over. (In case you didn’t know, Tim Gunn is simply the best.)

Tim wasn’t done there. Apparently, he hates acetate even more than he hates leggings. He also tried to warn Christopher about the length (or lack thereof) of his metallic bubble dress (“You don’t want her to look like a cougar.”) Finally, I found his delivery of, “Designers, I’m sending in your divorcees” instead of “I’m sending in your models” endlessly amusing.

Christopher wasn’t the only designer having a tough time with this challenge. Wedding dress designer Carol Hannah likened ripping up a wedding gown to running into a church and cursing. Logan and Nicolas ultimately admitted that they hated their creations (I’m surprised we didn’t hear more from Nicolas in this episode – I’m guessing they edited his snark out), and Epperson just misunderstood the challenge altogether, marginalizing the original wedding dress in his first design.

No one seemed to be having a tougher time than Gordana early on. The divorcees seemed to dredge up memories of her previous marriage and her current family, whom she left a tearful voicemail for. Two things: 1.Was I the only one slightly icked out by the disregard for the dye as she had her hands on her face and hair? 2. I’m usually pretty critical of the reality show phenomenon that makes otherwise rational adults turn into puddles of tears from simply not seeing their families for a couple of weeks, but I’ll give Gordana a pass since it seemed like the challenge itself is what got her emotions going in the first place.

I’m also giving her a pass because she bounced back so well that the judges awarded her the win on the runway (and the final gift of immunity for the season).

She was joined in the top 3 by Shirin (who smartly ignored her client/divorcee’s insane rantings and created a pretty white dress with a cool stitching pattern) and Irina (again!). I’m guessing the judges didn’t award Irina the win out of concern for her own safety – her head would’ve gotten so big, that it would’ve literally exploded. That being said, Irina deserved to win for her dress (the color alone was amazing).

The bottom 3 was comprised of Epperson, Christopher and Logan.

Epperson’s biggest sin appeared to be that he misunderstood the challenge (didn’t he correct himself) and that his dress reminded Heidi of Oktoberfest. It wasn’t THAT bad, in my opinion.

Certainly not as bad as the atrocities Christopher and Logan sent down the runway. Christopher’s dress DID in fact make his divorcee look like a cougar (not even a sexy cougar — she looked like a tragic cougar). There wasn’t much to report from the judges this week, other than Michael Kors describing the dress as a metallic Hefty bag cinched in the middle (which, of course, is precisely what it looked like). Deep down, I think Christopher knew too because he didn’t burst into tears over the harsh criticism like he did last week.

That being said, Logan’s design was at least 30 times worse. EVERYTHING about it was wrong. The colors, the concept (a vest top and wool pants is supposed to be a glam look for a divorcee — really?) the execution (the bottom of the pants were embarrassing and the vest was ill-fitting) and the ruffles (where were you Nicolas?)

After inexplicably saving Christopher first, it came down to Epperson and Logan. In what HAS to be a move to keep the season’s only Man Candy on the show, the judges decided to keep Logan instead of Epperson, who showed humor and class on his way out.

Last week, after seeing everyone fawn over his looks, I wondered if Logan was actually any good. I think we kind of got our answer last night. He failed to stand up to his dress-averse client and delivered a hideous garment he didn’t even believe in. Oh well, at least he’s still really good looking.

So what’d you think of this episode? Did Carol-Hannah deserve a spot in the top 3? (She wuz robbed! I would’ve actually replaced Gordana’s dress with Carol-Hannah’s look.) Is Irina peaking too early? Finally, was this even worse than when Ra’mon was sent packing instead of Louise (who went home the very next week)?

America's Next Top Recap: Cirque du So-Lame

You know a “Top Model” episode is subpar when “America’s Next Top Recap” favorite Benny Ninja is overshadowed by the likes of Lil Mama.

(I mean, honestly — did he even once command anyone to “pose” last night?)

The girls met up with Benny just before the week’s challenge, in which the contestants would be showing off their dance “skills.”

Back at the house, we’d found out Kara thinks Nicole is “slow” based largely on the fact that Nicole speaks slowly. We also learned from Ashley that being in the bottom 2 sucks. (Be more unoriginal!)

Sorry if I’m a little rough on Ashley, but at that point I was completely over her. She seems like a nice, bright girl, but she’s WAY to whiny about every single thing (or at least she’s edited that way) and always seems to be complaining (whether it’s about Erin during the Wal-Mart challenge, Lulu being sent home, Tyra asking her to try too many different poses etc.)

I thought (and so did Ashley) that a dancing challenge would be right in the dance instructor’s wheelhouse – until we learned the girls would be working in groups of three to convey “sadness”, “happiness” and “anger” in a routine. The best part for me was actually the segment before the challenge actually started where Benny asked a couple of models to convey the emotions on their own. Sundai was asked to convey “sadness” and came up with a truly pathetic display. (Was that the Cabbage Patch?) To be fair, the dance WAS sad, but I don’t think that’s what they were asking for.

After a quick demo by Jabbawockeez, the teams — Ashley/Erin/Nicole, Jennifer/Kara/Rae, Sundai/Laura/Brittany — went off to work on the routines for an hour. Jennifer/Kara/Rae seemed to bond instantly, so it wasn’t difficult to predict their win (earning them $17,000 worth of jewelry — why not $18,000 or $16,000?!)

It also wasn’t difficult to guess Ashley/Erin/Nicole would be a disaster. My highlights from the routines included Sundai/Laura/Brittany’s mimed Double Dutch to convey happiness (I don’t care what Lil Mama says, I liked it), and Nicole doing a bad Jabbawockeez impersonation by staring down the audience members at the end of her team’s “anger” phase. Other than that, the most entertaining parts were Lil Mama’s barely-hidden disgust throughout some of the routines.

The models (the noun, not the verb) were getting some shut-eye before a truly creepy video of Mr. Jay woke them up and commanded them to board a plane to Las Vegas. There they entered a theatre for Cirque du Soleil’s “Mystere” and were met by Mr. Jay wearing only slightly more makeup than usual as a ringmaster.

He notified them the week’s photo shoot would involve the girls posing in groups of three with a trio of “Mystere” performers on a giant trapeze. (I guess they couldn’t find a Wal-Mart on the Vegas strip to sponsor a challenge or photo shoot this week.)

The shoot itself was both rushed and uneventful. Tyra also critiqued the girls as a group, making the panel itself (featuring insightful, 5’6” guest judge Josie Maran) feel a little rushed. (At least Sundai wore another tragic outfit.)

The best photo of the group was the Rae/Brittany/Jennifer combo, which is good for Jennifer because she probably would’ve made a trip to the bottom two otherwise.

I don’t really feel like any of the girls really popped from the overly-busy pictures (which is the challenge), but there were still some strong individual performances. My favorites were fierce, Giselle-like Laura, the simply-fierce Rae and Brittany, who looked like a man (I mean that as a compliment in this context). I thought Erin’s picture was good, but I didn’t like it quite as much as Josie did.

My least favorites were Sundai (who actually had good film, but whose group shot DID look like she was water skiing) Jennifer (I’m just blech on her overall) and Ashley (pictured, center), who came up with her most uninspired picture yet.

Despite the struggle of dancers on this show over the years, Josie brought up the good point that they should be used to looking in mirrors and seeing how their bodies move. Apparently what happens is that dancers realize they should be doing better than they actually are, and wind up getting inside their own heads, resulting in “wah-wah” pictures. (Tyra’s description, not mine.)

This is probably what happened to Ashley, who got kicked out after ending up in the bottom 2 with Kara. Then again, it’s just as likely that Ashley — the girl Tyra discovered in her talk show audience — simply isn’t “Top Model” material. My girlfriend Erica brought up the interesting (and accurate) idea that she seems better suited to being a VJ on MVT or BET (assuming either of those channels still show videos).

So what’d you think of this episode? Is the new Auto-tuned “Top Model” exit song growing on you too? Is it possible that Jabbawockeez are getting a little overexposed? (They were just on the “Dancing with the Stars” results show Tuesday.) Finally, are we model or are we dancer?

Glee Review

It’s almost like producers got together and decided to concoct my dream show.

“We’re going to make this unapologetically cheesy show about a high school glee club. Each episode will feature show-stopping musical numbers of eclectic songs, and we’re going to hire a mix of Broadway veterans and ridiculously-talented young performers to pull them off.”

I mean, as a musical-theatre geek who was too scared to try out for my high school glee club (the fact that we didn’t have one shouldn’t have stopped me), what more could I ask for?

And yet, I have to stop just short of declaring myself a full-on “Gleek.”

The show follows idealistic teacher Will Schuester (Matthew Morrison of “The Light in the Piazza”) as he struggles to establish and maintain the glee club in the face of repeated attacks from cheerleading squad leader Sue Sylvester (the hilarious Jane Lynch, soon coming to an Emmy ceremony near you). The fact that Sue is SO driven to take down the glee club is funny in its own right (hey, her team needs that fog machine), and Lynch completely makes us buy into her nutty exploits.

The club is led by overachiever Rachel Berry (Lea Michele of “Spring Awakening,” sort of doing a Reese Witherspoon impersonation from “Election”) who has eyes for star quarterback/tragic dancer Finn (Cory Monteith). Other members of the club include scene-stealer Chris Colfer as terrifically-foppish Kurt, Amber Riley as the often-one-dimensionally sassy Mercedes, and Kevin McHale as the wheelchair-bound Artie.

Subsequent episodes have done a nice job of working in lively supporting characters. My favorites include Mark Salling as meathead Puck, Patrick Gallagher as gruff Ken Tanaka, Stephen Tobolowsky as the obviously-gay-but-closeted Sandy Ryerson, and Dianna Agron as Finn’s girlfriend Quinn (seriously), and Iqbal Theba as cynical Principal Figgins.

“Glee” is created by Ryan Murphy (“Nip/Tuck”) who brings a sharpness to help balance out the show’s more over-the-top elements – otherwise we might drown in cheese.

Still, the show can’t help but have moments that make even the most fromage-loving viewer roll his or her eyes. On top of that, I wish there were a way to make some of the musical numbers seem more organic and less over-produced. I get that they’re trying to convey a heightened reality and some of the musical numbers are actually fantasy sequences, but I’d appreciate it if the ones that take place in the real world didn’t sound like they were recorded in a studio (which I know they were).

The worst aspect of the show BY FAR, is the anything involving Will’s beastly wife Terri (Jessalyn Gilsig). There have been recent efforts to soften Terri a bit, but she’s so relentlessly shrewish (repeatedly discouraging Will’s ambitions) that I wonder what the writers’ intent is. I mean, are we SUPPOSED to root for Will to cheat on his wife with obsessive compulsive cutie Emma (the adorable Jayma Mays)?

All of this is outweighed by the fact that “Glee” is a relentlessly fun show that almost challenges the audience to come along for the ride. With a strong central cast and the promise of musical (Josh Groban, Eve) and Broadway stars (Kristin Chenoweth, Victor Garber) stopping by every once in a while, I’m more than happy to jump on. Here’s hoping the show ends up lasting longer than the more notorious entries in the musical TV series genre.

Glee…B+

Modern Family Review

“Modern Family” had one of the best pilots I’ve seen in years, and it’s instantly one of the funniest shows on television.

(My word alone should be enough for you to watch - it’s on tonight at 9! - but I’ll go ahead and expand on my opening statement.)

The show is shot in a documentary-style not unlike “The Office,” yet it is completely distinct from that other great show. (“Parks and Recreation”, a show that is improving but still mostly feels like a copy, should take notes.)

“Modern Family” follows three separate families who are nonetheless related to each other.

Ed O’Neill (“Married with Children”) is probably the most recognizable face in the bunch. He plays Jay Pritchett, who has a much-younger Colombian wife (Sofia Vergara) and a stepson (Rico Rodriguez) who he doesn’t entirely get along with and who most people likely assume is his grandson. O’Neill does a grumpier variation on his Al Bundy character, but infuses it with enough under-the-surface warmth to make us care for his character (especially in episode 2). Vergara so far is scoring laughs with her Colombian accent alone, but she’s a good comedic actress. Rodriguez is adorable, a little annoying (as most kids are) and (most importantly) not sappy as Manny.

Jay’s son Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) just adopted a baby with his partner Cameron (scene-stealer Eric Stonestreet). I love that the most interesting thing about these character is NOT that they’re gay - it’s that Mitchell is WAY too uptight (“I just stole a baby’s intellectual property) and Cameron is always trying to get him to loosen up. That being said, their homosexuality has been the source of some of the show’s best zingers. (“Wow. Paisley AND pink - was there something wrong with the fishnet tank top?) Also, as I mentioned earlier, Stonestreet swipes pretty much every scene he’s in. I’m still laughing at his “Lion King” moment in the pilot. (“Lion King” reference = my sweet spot.)

Finally, there’s Jay’s daughter Claire (Julie Bowen) who is married to Phil (Ty Burrell) and has two daughters and a son. Since they represent the “traditional” family, they have the most potential to be boring. However, Bowen is doing a great job as the exasperated and overworked mom, and she’s been a terrific straight man (so to speak) to Burrell.

I’m starting a new paragraph because Burrell deserves it. I’m making a prediction – Phil is going to be TV’s next great dumbass, following in the hallowed footsteps of Homer Simpson and Michael Scott. Phil is the kind of father who is more concerned about being a Cool Dad, than he is about being a good dad, to hilarious effect. All I know is that, from now on, WTF stands for “Why the face?” (Thanks, Phil.)

“Modern Family” is not perfect (I hope Claire and Phil’s daughters won’t be so one-dimensionally bratty the entire time), but so far, so VERY good.

You should watch (tonight!) and support one of the great new sitcoms on TV. (I don’t know if you’ve heard, but there aren’t too many of those lying around anymore.)

Modern Family…A

Hell's Kitchen: Child's Play

When tonight’s eliminated contestant happily yelled “I beat 13 of ya’ll!” at the start of the continuation of “Hell’s Kitchen,” I couldn’t help but wonder if that person had confused reaching the final four with winning.

And since I watch WAY too much reality TV, my instinct turned out to be right.

Still, that didn’t stop this from being one of the more affecting episodes of “Hell’s Kitchen” I’ve ever seen. (And, yes, you’re not the only one surprised to see I just used the word “affecting” to describe an episode of this scream-fest.)

Things got off to a lighthearted enough start. To help break the “there’s only four of us left/we’re the cream of the crop” tension/clichés, Chef Ramsay dispatched a mini-me (pictured, right) to meet the contestants before the challenge. (I thought it was Thomas Sangster from “Love Actually” at first, but then I realized that kid probably drives and drinks now – hopefully not at the same time.)

After that, the real Ramsay showed up and introduced the challenge by uttering my favorite (non-Tennille) quote of the season: “There’s no bigger pain anywhere in the world than a vegetarian.” Amen! The challenge was to create a vegetarian meal and serve 80 portions to unnamed demanding guests. Of course, the guests turned out to be kids, who (stereotypically) hate vegetables. You can make the case that this challenge was pretty unfair (I don’t think any of the final four are trying to become head chef at Chuck E. Cheese or any other restaurant frequented by kids), but it was still pretty funny to watch.

The kids voted on their favorite dish. Did you catch the LOL-worthy question on their ballot? (“Whose food was the yuckiest?”) Apparently, Kevin’s food was the yuckiest, as he came in fourth. Ariel placed third, leaving it between Tennille and Dave (“I sold myself out,” Dave said with a smile after apparently/successfully convincing the kids they were eating sandwiches). This was a tough one to call, given that each cook had complained about not winning a challenge. In the end, Tennille took the prize for her stuffed eggplant, which apparently won over the kids. (“I’m 28, I just started liking eggplant!” – Tennille had said at the beginning.)

The losers had to stay and clean up the especially wretched dining room, which included freshly-juicy gum under the tables. Dave got a mini-reward in the form of the candy he pocketed.

The real reward for Tennille was a makeover that made her look like Whoopi Goldberg back when Whoopi Goldberg still gave a crap what she looked like. She also got a sushi lunch with Chef Ramsay at Nobu. Chef Nobu himself presented Tennille with some sweet looking sushi knives (and I don’t even like sushi) that the rest of her competitors pretended not to be jealous about when she got back.

After a pep talk about passion, the dinner service got off to a strong start with Kevin on appetizers.

After that, things slowly went downhill. Tennille struggled to cook scallops, but eventually righted herself. Dave seemed to reinjure his arm and had to be tended to by the medic (who’s really earning his paycheck this season).

Dave got his act together and was able to finish strong. I wish I could say the same for Tennille. She had trouble cooking sea bass, halibut and probably would’ve struggled serving those little goldfish crackers if someone had handed them to her.

Things were so bad, that the show broke from its usual elimination procedure. There were no nominations as Ramsay just sent an emotional Tennille home. (I may or may not have gotten a little emotional myself watching her tear up as Ramsay told her what a great competitor she was.)

Even though the elimination was a slam dunk, the show still managed to wring some drama minutes beforehand. The question as to whether or not Ramsay was going to eject Dave from the competition due to his hand was a legitimate source of tension. It’s fairly obvious that Dave will never quit until he passes out and is carried out of “Hell’s Kitchen,” so I thought, for a second, that Ramsay was going to take him out for his own good.

In the end, Dave stayed, and the three final three got to hang out with their families for a bit at the end of the episode. (I’m glad they got the family visit out of the way here, so we can get down to business in the upcoming final episodes.) The chefs were a little freaked because they’d been drinking a bit when Ramsay called them down, but nothing came of their semi-drunken (more like buzzed) antics.

So what’d you think of this episode? It’s probably weird that Dave’s fiancée kinda looks like his sister, right? Do you keep your disdain for vegetarians hidden or is it out in the open? (I keep mine’s hidden, and since no one reads this thing I’m betting it’ll stay that way.) Finally, who do you have in the final two? (Dave looks great, but it’s too late for me to back down from my early Kevin/Ariel prediction.)