Hell's Kitchen: High Steaks

It seems like forever since the latest (travesty of an) episode of “Hell’s Kitchen.”

You might recall last time on “Hell’s Kitchen,” promising chef (who also appeared to be a promising human being) was prodded by the producers to drop out to keep train wrecks Lacey and Coe-lleen around. I mean, she nobly sacrificed herself for the good of the team after injuring her ankle. Yeah, that’s what happened. In case you thought Ji quitting was a spontaneous occurrence, last night’s elimination result reminded us that the show’s producers are not quite ready to let their biggest fools go quite yet.

In the continuation of this “Hell’s Kitchen” recap, I talk about how awesome I think Andrea (pictured, right) is for, once again, reiterating that half of Ji is better than Lacey and Coe-llen combined. I also love her for getting in Lacey’s (fat) face and telling her to get her (fat) ass in gear and wondering why she couldn’t have gotten injured instead of Ji. (Too mean on Andrea’s and my part, I know, since I’m no fitness model, but this girl is just unbearable.) It’s just so hard when you’re “the pretty girl” and everyone hates you.

Of course, I also worry a bit that Andrea’s sanity, since no one’s apparently told her that she’s on a joke of a “reality competition” and she’s taking the entire thing WAY too seriously (more on that in a bit).

This week’s challenge was to correctly identify the cuts of steak on a table and place them in their proper place on prop cows in Hell’s Kitchen. Unfortunately, the chefs were only half paying attention when Scott took them on a road trip to a slaughterhouse to learn everything they needed to know for the challenge, which was stuff they probably should’ve known already, right?

The blue team has apparently been watching the show and pegged Ben as their first competitor ahead of Giovanni, who runs a steakhouse, but didn’t get a chance to volunteer. Ben got all of the cuts right except for one, but Giovanni stepped in and corrected his mistake, and the guys were off to a fast lead.

And then, eventually, Seth happened. He somehow managed weakly ring the bell and get 7 out of 8 cuts of beef on the prop cow wrong, and allowed the women to catch up. J became a favorite of mine again by not referring to himself in the third person this week and for desperately asking, “Seth, what the f--- are you doing?!”

Fortunately for the men, Lacey set the women back, allowing the guys to pull out their third straight win. Off they were to a steakhouse and wine tasting on a private jet, which, mercifully, was able to carry Robert’s weight. Robert announced that he was to be married the following day, and that he’d sacrificed everything for “Hell’s Kitchen.” This led to two thoughts: 1.) I figured he might quit if the guys lost so he could be with his fiancée and 2.) Dude, this is SO not worth it.

The red team was left behind to deal with huge, bloody slabs of beef and to make me snicker by making comments about all the meat in their face. Lacey fell and gave the red team hope that she’d suffered a serious enough injury to make her quit, but it turned out the blood belonged to the beef.

The women (for some reason) eventually had to shovel down all the undesirable part of the cow, leading them all to vomit in a really contrived sequence (even for this show). Still, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy Andrea trying to give a pseudo-inspirational speech while puking into a pot. This girl might have a meltdown before all is said and done, but damn if she isn’t trying to bring this team together.

The dinner service seemed simple enough. Both teams would have two hours to serve a meal revolving around steak, while their opponents worked as the wait staff. Though, I try not to side with Lacey as a general rule, I definitely agree with her that the contestants shouldn’t keep being asked to be waiters. I don’t’ like this trend – that’s not why the chefs are here. They’re here to be humiliated and yelled at on national TV. I mean, they’re here to win a prestigious job in Atlantic City. Yeah that’s it.

The guys took to the kitchen first and were a disaster. Lacey was bad (and predictably lazy) as a waitress, but the guys were even worse in the kitchen. Ben had one of the biggest brain farts I’ve seen on the show from a competent person and decided to make dessert before the first appetizer was out. Giovanni the Steakhouse guy kept botching the steak, and Charlie was a disaster with the shrimp. Still, he wasn’t as bad as Seth, who’d never prepped a steak before, and butchered a filet mignon. This caused Ramsay (who was in fine form last night) to hurl the wasted meat at him, call him a “f---ing bozo!” and led Seth to ask “Where were you a chef? In your parents’ house!?” They didn’t even come close to finishing the dinner service, so Ramsay “shu-tit-down!”

With such a low bar to clear, the women beat the blue team, despite having Coe-lleen’s super short-term memory and possible sabotage by the men, who kept sending back perfectly good pieces of steak in an apparent effort to slow them down (kudos to Ramsay for catching on to this). Despite Andrea’s best efforts, the red team could not complete their service on time, but outperformed the men.

The blue team decided to nominate Charlie and Seth. However, Seth wasn’t going down without a fight, pointing out that Giovanni should’ve been better at the steak station (a valid point) and expressing that he would nominate the strongest person. If I had any respect left for Seth, I would’ve lost it right here. I understand strategy, but I hate it when people on reality shows (especially ones where you have to work as a team) try to get rid of strong individuals because they’re the biggest “competition.” As the philosopher Ric Flair likes to say, “To be the best, you gotta beat the best (woo!)” Also, Ramsay can always sniff out when teams try to do this, and usually sets things right.

J absolutely completed his trifecta of absolute awesomeness last night by absolutely putting Seth in his place when he absolutely tried to interrupt, but Ramsay (and the producers) absolutely made yet another absolutely boneheaded decision by absolutely letting Charlie go. (See, Seth, isn't isn't it annoying when someone talks like this?) Yes, he was an awful waiter, and no, you should never pour bacon bits on a customer, but Seth is FAR worse. However, the show clearly (and correctly) believes that it will just be more fun to mock Seth for a few weeks more so he gets to stay. Like it or not, it’s how the show works. Personally, it gets on my nerves, but then I remember that I laughed my ass off when Ramsay called him a “f---ing bozo!”

So what’d you think of this episode? Did Charlie really deserve to go home before Seth? Who is more hopeless? Seth or Coe-lleen? What will happen first? Lacey being eliminated or Andrea having a stroke? Finally, where does one even get fake prop cows?