Desperate Housewives: No Money, Mo Problems

I don’t know if there’s an actual “Friend Handbook” out there, but if there were, you’d have to think Chapter One would be, “Never, EVER Borrow Money From a Friend: Or Justify It by Calling It a ‘Gift’ or ‘Investment.’”

Unfortunately, Lynette and Bree never read this (fictitious) book.

Last night “Desperate Housewives” came back strong after a three week break (or four week break if you count the waste of time that was the 100th episode — sorry, still kinda hate it) with, perhaps, its most timely episode.

It may not have been the funniest or most dramatic episode in the show’s run and it may not have exactly sent this season's narrative hurling forward, but with a few of the characters dealing with serious money issues, it was certainly one of the most relatable. And it’s not just the characters on the show feeling the crunch — judging by the prominent Lexus and Sprint logos last night, you’ve gotta think the producers are trying to bring in as many product placement dollars as they possibly can.

I was also delighted to see the night’s heftiest storyline entrusted to Felicity Huffman and Marcia Cross (pictured, right), the two best actresses on the show. At the start of the episode, Lynette had sold Tom’s beloved car “Foxy”, while Tom sat inside the house, presumably crying. The Scavo’s were hurting for cash after spending their money on Porter’s legal fees. Also, the market for cheap family pizza places has apparently also taken a downturn because their restaurant wasn’t doing well either.

So there literally couldn’t have been a worse time for Bree to drive up in and show off her brand-new, self-parking Lexus. At first, I couldn’t get mad at Bree because she couldn’t have known the severity of Lynette’s financial troubles. Once she did find out, Bree offered to loan(? give? were we ever clear?) $20,000 to Lynette, who was (rightly) hesitant to accept, but eventually relented by convincing herself it was an investment in her restaurant. As soon as Lynette stopped sliding that envelope back to Bree, we knew they were in for trouble (that’s WAY too much money).

The whole thing culminated in a dumpster-side argument after Bree took over her own book-signing party and dumped a couple of Lynette’s pizzas that featured substandard parmesan cheese (or the stuff they sweep off the floor at a factory where they make the real cheese). Lynette had enough and chastised her friend for rubbing her good fortune in everyone else’s face. Bree fought back by bringing up the fact that she’d worked hard for her success (a fair point). Finally, Lynette struck back with the fact that she’d worked hard too, but just hasn’t been as lucky as Bree. Bree said that you make your own luck. I wondered whether Lynette choosing to have four kids to Bree’s two (one of whom actually helps with the family business) counts as “making your own luck.”

We could debate all day about who’s had the harder time. The point is that the Bree we saw last night was the Bree from earlier in the season: the one who’s so obsessed with her career that she is completely oblivious to the feelings of her family and friends. She doesn’t even realize that she took over Lynette’s party and that Lynette wanting to serve her recipe was a gesture of respect and gratitude that she ruined. I don’t like this Bree. In the end, Lynette gave her back the money and apologized for (subconsciously?) smashing her car.

Of course, Lynette’s husband found out the reason for their money matters. He learned from Lee (who knew from Bob) that Dave was the one who fingered Porter as the arsonist. This led to Tom hitting Dave with a weak punch before being subdued. Dave wasn’t done there, as he creeped Edie (and us) out by answering her question about how their marriage was different from his first. He said the first was more like a fairytale and the thing with Edie was more real because “love is temporary” and fairytales end in death. I’ve been a fan of the different shades of Dave’s creepy character, but last night he was simply in full-on psycho mode. It’s time to have the guy make a move already. (Is he even still scheming against Mike?)

In other money matters, Susan was struggling to get fidgety M.J. into a good private school. However, instead of following Susan as she made a fool of herself in an effort to impress the headmaster, the show (mercifully) went in a different direction.

The direction was to Katherine, who was sporting a lovely set of pearls Mike had bought for her. The problem was that he claimed he didn’t have money for M.J.’s tuition. Even before Susan snuck into Susan’s place, tried to steal the pearls from a naked Katherine (nice callback to Susan’s season 1 neighborhood nakedness here), and the two forced Mike to admit the pearls were fake, I had a little problem with the storyline. Mike had apparently bought the presumably expensive pearls BEFORE Susan asked him for help with the petition, so how could she get mad at him for just buying his girlfriend a nice present. (Of course, the real answer is because she still loves him, but we’ll get into that in a future recap.)

Then again, when the pearls were revealed to be fake, we remembered that Mike is really a decent guy who’s not stupid enough to spend such a huge chunk of his money ($4,000) when he knows he was a kid to support. When Susan came over to whine some more, and Mike told her that he was working as hard as he possibly could and maybe SHE needed to pick up the slack, it was probably my favorite Mike moment ever. That was quickly followed by my favorite Susan moment in a long time, when she humbled herself in the headmaster’s office and accepted a lowly teaching position to get M.J. a faculty discount. It was one of the few times I really bought Teri Hatcher as a mother on this show (and that includes her interactions with Julie). Maybe she wouldn’t be in such a financial hole if she spent more time “illustrating” and less time coming up with ridiculous schemes. (Credit to the writers for having Susan admit her pearl-stealing plan was dumb.)

Finally, there was the return of old Gabby after Carlos closed a deal (though not the deal with Gabby earlier that morning) that made the Solises almost rich again. The problem was that the return of old, glam, rich Gabby meant that she might go back to her considerably beastly ways.

How beastly did she get last night? When Edie is the caring voice of reason, there’s a good chance you’ve turned into a mini-monster. Gabby had asked Edie for help in losing weight, and Edie recommended her to a boot camp led by a hardcore Israeli (not Iraqi) soldier. I can’t deny the scenes were amusing (damn, I said “can’t”), but the best part was definitely Edie setting Gabby straight: “I liked poor, paunchy Gabby better. At least she had humility.” In the end, Gabby softened (and by “softened” I mean “was nicer to her seamstress”). Things seem to be going well for the Solises, but I can’t help but feel there’ll be trouble ahead, whether from Carlos’ increasing absences or the girls, who’ll probably start to resent their new/old mommy.

So what’d you think of this episode? Weren’t we led to believe that Scavo’s was mildly successful? Why did people stop going? Was it because of the alleged arsonist connection? (Wouldn’t that draw more people there any way?) Was Parker crashing his bike at the sight of a half-naked Katherine the best use of Parker ever? (I say yes.) Finally, will Dave take a shot at silencing Tom before taking revenge on Mike? (Does he even remember he wants revenge on Mike?)