Nip/Tuck Thoughts: Objects of His Affection

Following a (relatively) serious episode last week, “Nip/Tuck” was back yesterday to reclaim its rightful place as the craziest show on TV. (Take that, “One Tree Hill”!)

In case Christian’s cancer drama and the death sentence that comes along with it (that I’m still not buying) had you bummed, the show gave us a guy having sex with a couch. And with an operating table. (He could’ve at least bought them dinner, right?)

I thought the show would have a hard time topping Sean in a baby diaper from a month ago as the season’s craziest moment, but Dr. Logan Taper — Christian’s would-be replacement — blew the Pampers off that moment. At first, Taper seemed like an ideal candidate to replace Christian, who seemed to be quitting his job surprisingly soon. He and Christian merely seemed like upscale-design-loving kindred spirits.

Then it was revealed that Taper is an objectum sexual, meaning a person who falls in love with and feels a sexual attraction toward inanimate objects. Of course, we all think this is absolutely crazy (because it is!) and it predictably outraged Sean and Christian (pictured, left), who got a nice joke in about liking nice cars, but never sticking his dick in a tailpipe.

But I have to give major praise to guest star Richard Burgi for a brave, zany, funny, and surprisingly touching performance. I like Burgi a lot from his work on “Desperate Housewives” (the most interesting guy Teri Hatcher’s Susan has ever been with), and he delivered the goods last night. I actually felt a little bad for him when Sean and Christian kicked him out. I mean, if he wants to screw a fancy couch (and if the director wants to haunt my dreams with the visual of Taper gently opening up the couch’s cushion) that’s his business. I just wish he’d put a sheet over that thing. Then Taper went and screwed the operating table, and most of my sympathy flew out the window.

While the effort to find a replacement for Christian went awry, the efforts of the patient of the week turned out considerably better.

It was the return of Allegra Caldarello, better known to fans of “Nip/Tuck” (and “Hearts N’ Scalpels”) as the real-life “Pussy Lips.” The previous surgery was mostly an afterthought — except for the hilarious line when Allegra asked Sean how she knew she’d been abused as a child. We all know the whole “abused child” storyline was invented by insane actress Candy Richards, so finding out that she’d actually been abused by her father was probably the first and only time I’ll laugh out loud about anything regarding child abuse.

Allegra’s husband was dying of prostrate cancer and wanted his wife taken care off when he was gone, so he was forcing her to get cosmetic surgery to make her more attractive to potential suitors. If that wasn’t intrusive enough, he brought about the dorky butcher as a potential husband for Allegra after her surgeries. I liked watching Sean somewhat identify with Allegra, who was also having a replacement forced on her before she was ready.

So it was even better watching Sean get surprised and a little discouraged when it turned out that Allegra was actually ok with a replacement husband — as long as it’s a suaver, more attractive older gentleman. I also liked Sean better because he only had a limited number of scenes with the aggressively-edgy Teddy, who actually had her best scene in a bi-curious conversation with Liz. Teddy works a LOT better in small doses. Most of all, I liked the episodes final scene with Sean alone in his office. The poor guy really IS losing everyone.

In case you thought the episode was getting a bit too silly, Liz’s storyline brought things back to earth a bit. Thanks mostly to Roma Maffia, it was done in a compelling way, as opposed to being a total downer.

It turns out that Hurley’s mom from “Lost” is also Liz’s mom and she was in town for her daughter’s wedding preparations. At first, she was thrilled that Liz was marrying a rich, MALE doctor, but watching her criticize Liz’s weight and creepily hit on Christian gave us hints that she wasn’t exactly Mother of the Year.

Everything culminated in Liz’s bridal shower, where Liz’s mom found out that Christian was dying and mom assumed that was the only reason he was marrying her. (Which it kinda is, right?) Liz unleashed a fierce and heartfelt rant about how her mom had never accepted her and how her fellow lesbians in the room had been her real family. I know I make fun of this show for being absurd (because it is), but if FX wanted to put together a Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Series Emmy campaign for Maffia, I would suggest they use this scene. She’s excellent and she deserves one of the spots that’s always automatically assigned to two actresses from the brutally awful “Grey’s Anatomy.”

So what’d you think of this episode? Do you prefer your Nip/tuck silly or serious? How do you think the Christian drama will be resolved? (How would you like to see it resolved?) Finally, would you rather have sex with a couch or an operating table?