Desperate Housewives: Slappy Mother's Day

It's one thing when fringe characters (like Dylan) or people I don't care that much about (Mike) behave stupidly on this show. It's another when some of the show's better characters start acting like idiots.

Last night's Mother's Day-themed episode opened with annoying commentary from Mary Alice on the slap heard 'round the block (at least by Carlos and his "Daredevil"-esque hearing prowess) after Edie got smacked by Bree. During this sequence, I was mostly wondering if Mrs. McClusky was ever going to get another decent storyline.

If you recall, Bree caught Edie kissing Orson last week after she'd booted Orson out of her house and asked Edie to drive drunk Orson away. Although Edie's CLEARLY not attracted to Orson, she eventually kissed him anyway because, well that's what Edie does.

On top of slapping Edie, Bree also decided to mess with Edie's professional life as she drove away some potential clients. Edie countered with blackmail after reading the incredibly incriminating (and beautifully handwritten) note Orson had left out in the open regarding Bree's baby Benjamin really being Danielle's son. Since Bree was busted, she decided to round up her posse (Susan, Lynette and Gabby), and the four strode up the street like they were some badass action heroines (pictured, right) and announced to Edie that they'd be shunning her.

There were some things I liked about this storyline, and some things I didn't. Here's what I didn't like — Bree! I get that she's not quite ready to forgive Orson for driving over Mike, but she's been annoying self-righteous the last couple of weeks. The only reason Edie even kissed Orson in the first place was because Bree basically called Edie a slut after finding out Orson had spent the night at her place (when nothing happened). The thing that REALLY made Bree look like a bitch was preventing Orson from seeing their son, Benjamin. I get that Orson is NOT technically related to the baby, but that goofy, prim guy was more than ready to be that baby's father and, personally, I think he deserved better than to be coldly shut out.

On the other side, it was somewhat fitting that Edie's past indiscretions with other people's husbands caught up with her in the one instance where she wasn't even interested in the guy. Still, the whole "we're shunning you" thing was silly (even beyond the "badass walk" thing). I mean, how would this be different from how they treat Edie now? It's not like they're best friends. Also, all Edie wanted was muffins and to be invited to some poker games.

Although Bree is being stupid, she has some reason to be upset. Tom is just being a blind dolt. The Scavos had a doctor over to examine the family, though Lynette was under the impression the guy was there to back her up and serve as an exorcist for evil Kayla.

I'm liking the way the Kayla/Lynette thing has built. At first, you figured Kayla was just acting out because of Lynette's history with Kayla's mom, but what's become apparent (after Kayla taunted Lynette and threatened her youngest daughter) is that the child is evil. Not only was Lynette right in slapping her, she should have, to paraphrase Robin Williams in "Good Will Hunting", ended her.

Great job by both actresses in pulling this off, and I can't wait to see where they go with this next week when the police seemingly get involved. Also, I've never been married, but I'm pretty sure one of the golden rules is that you should probably side with your wife above anyone else, right Tom?

Tom's not the only one that needs to review that rule, as Mike's mom came to visit last night. Although Susan's nightmare of a mother-in-law got some laughs as she continually dissed whory Susan's lack of cooking and housekeeping skills, the storyline stretches logic. I did NOT buy that Mike's mom was related to him and she looked like she wandered away from the set of "Designing Women." Also, what son tells their mom ALL that stuff their marriage? I can see complaining about Susan's snoring, but NOT about her sleeping naked! I'd probably fake labor to get out of that woman's presence. In fact, the situation would be so stressful I'd probably go into forced labor a month early.

I was glad to see that Susan had her baby in this episode, freeing her up to do something less predictable for the season finale next week than the clichéd delivery sequence. I was also weirdly glad to see Mike being a dolt again (I didn't recognize the well-adjusted, interesting Mike I'd seen the past two weeks).

Still, the most reliably stupid character on the show got a wakeup call yesterday. Sort of. Dylan finally saw her father Wayne for the drunken, woman beater he is after Katherine revealed to him that she'd cheated on him and Dylan wasn't his daughter. The only problem is that the girl we know as Dylan is not the same scarred little girl Wayne knows as his daughter. To be honest, I'd kinda forgotten about the whole "Dylan didn't remember anything about living on Wisteria Lane" subplot that strongly suggested she was a different person from the girl that grew up in that neighborhood. Hopefully we'll get some answers and some more dark and scary Wayne next week. Gary Cole's bringing an element of danger to the show I haven't seen in a while.

Finally, there was Gabby and Carlos, who discovered their new tenant and friend is also a not-too-bright cocaine dealer who leaves her stash under her bed. As (apparently) the world's shortest fashion model, Gabby recognized the white substance as drugs (and not flour, as she hoped) and the two went to the police, who had been targeting Ellie for a while. At first, it seemed sort of silly for Gabby to hesitate in turning Ellie in, just because she made the house (and Carlos) more manageable. Then again, when you think about it, Gabby doesn't have too much in the way of friends or family besides Carlos, so I was able to buy her desperation to hang on to one of the few friends she has.

So what'd you think of this episode? Was Lynette wrong to put her hands on Kayla? Is Gabby going to turn Celie in? Is Edie gone for good? Finally, has it really been 11 years since "Good Will Hunting" (and the last time Robin Williams was REALLY good in a movie)?

Lost: Cabin Pressure

I consider myself to be a relatively intelligent person, but there's just no way I can even pretend to understand most of what went down during the last episode of "Lost."

That being said, I'll still do my very best in what will probably turn out to be my shortest recap ever, unless I decide to ramble on and on. Like I'm doing right now.

When I found out that "Cabin Fever" would focus on Locke, I was a little skeptical. We finally found out how he got paralyzed and it appeared to me there was nothing new to learn about the character.

So, instead, we were taken WAY back into Locke's past into the night in the 1950's (judging by the music and wardrobe choices) where he was born three months premature to a 16-year-old named Emily, who insisted he be named "John" (a fantastic choice). What was interesting about this scene is the way it mirrored Ben Linus' birth in "The Man Behind the Curtain" from last season, with Ben's mother Emily (hmm) insisting the baby be called Ben right before she died giving birth to him.

Richard Alpert, the ageless wonder from the Island played by Nestor Carbonell, appeared to take an interest in Baby Locke and reappeared in his life a few years later to give him a test. To be honest, this was the scene that made my head explode. Richard suggested John had special abilities and might be eligible for his institution. He gave him a test, asking him to pick out which of the items belonged to him — already. We all assumed it was the knife, right? Well after flirting with the compass and what appeared to be sand, Locked chose the knife, which not only disappointed Alpert, but seemed to make him angry.

"The Man Behind the Curtain" wasn't the only past "Lost" episode revisited last night. I just happened to watch Season 1's "Walkabout" this past week (the one with the big reveal about Locke's disability). When I have 45 minutes, I sometimes pop in a random ep of "Lost" sue me. Anyway, when teenage John turned down a "science camp" offer from Mittelos Science (the company that Alpert represented when recruiting Juliet), and his guidance counselor told him he couldn't be the quarterback and the prom king, I rightly predicted the next words out of Locke's mouth would be "don't tell me what I can't do."

We got a more direct reference to "Walkabout" when the deliciously creepy Matthew Abaddon turned up in Locke's rehab facility after his injury and urged him to trek to Austrailia for the walkabout (thus, in actuality, urging him to end up at the Island).

Since I'm still picking up the pieces of my brain from last night's episode, what I can obviously gather is that the Island has been calling out to Locke for a very long time (probably longer than anybody). And, conversely, Locke was having some Island-tastic visions (note his drawing of the Smoke Monsters). For some reason, he wasn't ready to go to the Island when he was a boy, or a teenager (or the Island wasn't ready for him to come). I'm not sure why he was finally deemed able to go to the Island. Was it because his faith was so shaken after his injury? Was it because the Island was under some threat (maybe Widmore) and needed Locke to be there?

All I know is that every episode of "Lost" should have at least one scene with Lance Reddick's Abaddon. No more, no less.

I would also like it if Sayid and Desmond weren't stranded on the freighter for the better part of a month (in real time, I mean, though who knows how long they've been on there in "Lost" time). Seriously though, ever since "The Constant", Desmond hasn't done anything, and Sayid hasn't fared much better.

I didn't really care for the scenes on the freighter. I liked the subtle reminder that Michael can't be killed just yet (though Keamy certainly tried) and we finally got to see how the ship's doctor got his throat slit.

Still, I'm not really too thrilled with the fact that Keamy — who took over the freighter after killing Capt. Gault and is on his way to firebomb the Island or something — is getting all this screentime in favor of people like Sayid and Desmond. I just don't care about this meathead mercenary.

Back on the Island, Locke, Ben and Hurley continued their search for the cabin. Locke was guided by a creepy dream featuring Horace Goodspeed, the man responsible for bringing Ben to the Island. How weird was it that he appeared stuck in a loop? We found out Horace was the one who built Jacob's cabin and, after revisiting the mass Dharma Purge grave and Horace's remains, Locke had his roadmap to the cabin.

The scenes between this trio were my favorite thing of the night. I liked Hurley pointing out that they were probably the three craziest people on the Island (though Ben is crazy like a fox), and I liked watching the big guy share his chocolate bar with Ben towards the end in a silent scene.

Mostly though, I liked the interplay between Ben and Locke (some of the best stuff on the show) with Ben banging home the point that Locke was becoming the new Ben. Not only did he now appear to be the Island's go-to guy, but Ben even pointed out that Locke was picking up Ben's manipulative tendencies. Finally, even though I should know better, I believe Ben when he says he wasn't the only who ordered the purge. However, I was still a little disappointed because last night's episode wasn't the usual Emmy-worthy acting clinic Terry O'Quinn and Michael Emerson usually put on when they're together.

Anyway, when Locke finally arrived at Jacob's cabin, he found — a clean-looking Christian Shephard sitting on the chair (where the heck was Jacob?). Since Locke doesn't know Christian is Jack's dad, Locke was more puzzled than terrified — until he saw Claire smugly and creepily sitting in the corner, insisting he keeps her whereabouts a secret. This only adds to the speculation out there that Claire is really dead, but mostly succeeded as a supremely chilling little scene.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot — the way for Locke to save everyone is to move the Island.

*boom* Lost!

So what'd you think of this episode? Are Locke and Ben half-bros? Given that time-traveling has been brought into the "Lost" fold since we last saw him, is Alpert ageless or just traveling through time? What the heck WAS that thing on Keamy's arm? Finally, how would YOU go about moving an Island?

America's Next Top Recap: Photo Oops

Last week I wrote that, out of the final four ladies still in the running towards becoming "America's Next Top Model", Dominique (pictured, right with Nigel) was most likely to have a meltdown and be eliminated.

Though she didn't get into a completely non-sensical fight with one of her fellow competitors, the only "crazy" we got out of Dominique was her referring to herself in the third person a few times (nothing new), delusionally thinking her place in the finals was secure and (here was the BIG shocker) the revelation that she constantly sneak-binges on candy.

Even though she kept her crazy in check, it wasn't enough to propel Dominque into the finals after doing a considerably worse job than usual covering up her tranny features. Let's be honest: the judges were just waiting to see whether Dom or Whitney would mess up more so they could kick the tranny or the plus-size girl, respectively, out of the finals.

Since the first 15 minutes of the episode were unbelievably dull, you don't mind if I skip ahead to the challenge do you? Ok, here's my quick recap of the first 15 minutes of the episode — (insert sounds of each of the girls saying clichéd things about working hard and making it to the finals.) We also had Whitney fretting being in the bottom two for two straight weeks (a legit concern), Anya spacily blabbing on about something (as she usually does) and Fatima becoming more insufferable (where did this annoying ego trip come from?) Those three also decided that Dominique needed to be kept out of the bottom three because she didn't look like a model — and ate too much candy.

Anyway, I snapped back awake when the girls were strolling in a lovely Italian park and ran into Paulina (quickly becoming my favorite thing about this cycle) posing for a photographer named Francesco. Francesco taught the girls about photography and composition, and the final four photographed each other. This was also sort of boring, except for the part where Dominique tried telling Fatima what to do, and Fatima came back at her with some 'tude.

The challenge was for each of the girls to direct and photograph Paulina during a 5-minute shoot. I actually thought the whole models-as-photographers thing was a great idea, and the Paulina shoot was a highlight of the episode. I like that, even though she's a judge, Paulina dutifully played along, easily accepted direction (no matter how misguided) and didn't bust anybody's chops.

Fatima went first and she was very concise, focused and professional. Dominique followed, and she was, predictably, all over the place. Whitney guided Paulina with a firm, but welcoming hand and had a strong concept in mind. Finally, since Anya went last, she had the most time to think about her shoot and came up with — Paulina throwing a bunch of leaves in the air. Too bad you couldn't even see Paulina's face in that picture.

Though I was rooting for Whitney, Fatima won the challenge (she DID have a wider variety of shots) and an extra 50 frames for the week's photo shoot.

I actually cheated a bit and looked at the episode description before the show started and saw they'd be posing as "50's Movie Icons". I thought it was awesome that they'd be posing as glamorous movie stars of yesteryear (Anya as Marilyn Monroe, anyone?)

Instead, "noted and sexy" Nigel showed up to shoot girls, who were pretending to be actresses caught off-guard by the paparazzi while they were out on the town with their boyfriends. I thought my idea was cooler.

I especially believed that after watching the final four completely bomb the photo shoot before next week's final.

Anya, looking like 1992 Madonna instead of Marilyn Monroe, lucked into the best shot of the week after Mr. Jay distracted her while Nigel was shooting. Whitney and Fatima appeared to forgo the "surprised" part of "surprised by paparazzi" and instead went for sultry and smiley, respectively. Whitney's shot was deemed beautiful, but not sexy enough by the panel (after being told to tone down the hoochie last week), while Fatima, who mostly wasted her extra 50 frames, was too Cover Girly. Personally, I thought the prop male models outshone the girls in each of the shots.

In the end, the panel sent Dominique home after she produced, arguably, her most tran-tastic shot to date. Tyra/Tyrone gave her a quick lesson on how to soften her look at panel, but it was too late to save Dominique and her hopelessly un-modely outfits she insisted on wearing at judging panel.

Although Dominique didn't break down after being eliminated, and she was such a pain in the ass early in the season, I was a little surprised by how bad I felt after she was kicked off. I mean, she was never going to win, but there was no denying the girl really wanted it, and she lasted longer than she should've given the fact that the judges relentlessly mocked her to her face and behind her back.

It probably also had something to do with how annoying and conceited Fatima has become. I found myself wishing they'd sent her home instead. Instead, I think she's going to triumph next week over Whitney (after Anya bombs her Cover Girl commercial and gets kicked off).

So what'd you think of this episode? Were you more let down by the lameness of the challenge (and this cycle in general) or the girls' performances? Why didn't we hear about Dominique's candy addiction before? (Oh yeah, because it's not interesting.) Anybody else think Paulina was going to be wearing less than she was when she suggestively took off her trench coat? How did such a relatively lame season produce a surprisingly strong final 3? Finally, who do you have winning the whole thing next week?

Hell's Kitchen: Unhappy Birthday

As much as I've praised Chef Ramsay's decision-making abilities when it comes to "Hell's Kitchen" eliminations, I have to say — last night may have been the worst, most incomprehensible elimination I've seen in a long time.

His mind-blowingly bad decision almost made me forget about the fact that last week's previews for this episode teased the return of Waffle House Julia, I mean, a "new chef joining one of the teams", and pretty much failed to live up to the promise.

Still, the hour wasn't completely without merit thanks to the ongoing "I just smelled/tasted a fart" (or "I just s--- my pants", according to General Bobby) facial expressions of Matt and his bionic eyebrows. I'm not naïve and I realize that keeping Matt (pictured, left) around was a decision made by some Fox producer who thinks he makes good TV. He's wrong — Matt makes GREAT TV. That being said, I'll get into why Ramsay's choice at the end was such a disaster.

First, let's talk about the start of the episode, which opened with the familiar and soothing "F--- off!" from Ramsay as the would-be chefs went to bed. Of course, they never go straight to sleep, so instead Matt groaned about how no one listens to him, and Christina (again) went on some delusional rant about how strong of a player she is. Largely this was brought on by her delusional teammates who inexplicably see her as a major threat/unbearable teammate and tried to get rid of her for a second time. Again — what's the big deal about Christina? I don't get it.

The following morning, each team was given $100 and 25 minutes to come up with an appetizer and two entrees for a sweet 16 party for a family that wasn't quite loaded enough to appear on MTV's "My Super Sweet 16", but rich enough to rent out "Hell's Kitchen."

After (wisely) ignoring Matt again (sushi pizza on a tortilla Matt? Really?), the men came up with a chicken wing appetizer, as well as shrimp and filet mignon entrees (Matt mocked the selection of chicken wings as an appetizer). The women countered with a shrimp scampi appetizer, and halibut and flank steak entrees.

Right before the teams presented the dishes to the birthday girl and her predictably monstrous mom, Matt threw his team under the bus by mentioning he was the one person who'd been to a sweet 16 recently, and none of his input was used. I REALLY hope he has a 16-year-old daughter, because I don't want to picture Matt just trolling a Sweet 16.

The birthday girl picked the men's appetizer (she'd never had shrimp before?!) which once again goes to prove that anyone should just do the opposite of what Matt says. She chose the women's first entrée because she didn't like the asparagus in the men's dish (would've been nice if the men had been given SOME indication about likes/dislikes/allergies). She appeared ready to pick the red team's dish before her mother bullied, I mean, convinced her to take the filet mignon, giving the men the much-needed victory and a trip to ride around in go karts(?!)

Meanwhile, the losing red team had to hang around, decorate for the party, and endure a gay wedding planner cliché named Francisco that was played out in the mid-90s.

When the men got back, Louross and Corey (completely randomly) decided to do a little bonding. We learned the two had apparently become close, and Corey decided to try to entice Louross into the hot tub (to steal "secrets" as she did with sexist Jason?) Somehow, Louross was about to resist the advances of the exceedingly average looking Corey and walked away. It's ok though, because Corey yelled "I have a boyfriend."

Honestly, what the hell was the point of this, other than to make people throw up as if they'd just sampled one of Matt's dishes? I realize this is a TV show (on Fox) first and a competition second, but last night the producers went WAY out of their way to try to give us what they think we want and took the show from so bad it's good, to so bad, it went past good and back to bad again. If you're going to entice us with a hot-tub tryst, could we at least have it involve some fairly attractive people?

Anyway, on to the dinner service. Christina looked to be in trouble early as she botched the risotto a few times, but reliable Roseann was there to bail her out by spectacularly botching the birthday girl's steak a few times. On the men's side, Matt repeated messed up birthday mom's fish, leading to General Bobby stepping in, pushing Matt aside and getting the job done, leaving Matt with the "fart face."

The dinner service ended with birthday girl walking outside for a surprise she (and I) clearly expected to be a car, but instead turned out to be a sub Jonas Brothers "band" called "Pink Spiders." (That's what happens when mom doesn't spring for the MTV treatment.)

Since the men satisfied 98% of the customers and the women 99%, Ramsay neglected the difference and named both teams as winners. The laugh out loud moment of the night came when Matt goofily thanked Ramsay for his generosity followed by Ramsay's "F--- generosity!"

The men didn't even bother meeting as it was decided Matt would be nominated, while the women quickly settled on Roseann. Except Corey (as she tends to do), decided she wanted to get ride of Shayna instead, who'd been a little slow during service. Corey attributed this to Shayna being overweight while ignoring the fact that Shayna is probably the same size as Jen, who hasn't really struggled yet.

So the men put up Matt for elimination, and the women put up Shayna. Ramsay smelled a rat and asked Christina who she'd personally nominate, and she responded with Roseann. Things were looking promising here. Ramsay had said the only thing worse then Matt's overcooking birthday mom's fish was undercooking birthday girl's steak. It was the worst possible thing you could do. So of course, Shayna was eliminated. Huh?!

I get why he kept Matt. Matt is a terrible chef, but he (and his switch to the women's team makes for good TV) But, why the hell did he personally put up Roseann for elimination and point out that she did the worst thing you could possibly do by undercooking the guest of honor's food and then let her off the hook? It doesn't make any sense.

The only explanation is, of course, that Shayna was unfathomably boring. There was just nothing interesting about her. Again, I get that this is an entertaining TV show first, and a real cooking competition second and, in a weird way, that justifies him keeping Matt. However, it doesn't make ANY sense to keep Roseann over Shayna. None. Unless, he enjoys listening to Noo Yawk Roseann mangle the English language on a weekly basis.

Look, I know this show is the terrible, trashy cousin to "Top Chef." I enjoy watching this show and writing about it. I'm ok with the fact that it's entertainment first. However, if you're going to value entertainment value over quality, at least, TRY to have it make some sense. As I detailed above, this week's elimination made no sense at all.

Less non-sensical, logic-defying eliminations, and more Ramsay yelling at people. Don't make me have to switch over to the boring "Top Chef." (Yes, I said it. "Top Chef" is BOOOORRIIINGG.)

So what'd you think of this episode? Were you as disappointed as I clearly was? Finally, has there EVER been a more unattractive reality show cast? (I guess Christina's sort of attractive, and Ben has potential, but that's kind of it.)

American Idol: Hall of Shame

And I thought last week was as awkward and painful as things could get for Jason Castro (pictured, right).

The Idols hit the stage and performed tunes from a selection of 500 songs in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. When I heard the theme for the week announced, I foolishly thought that this week would, you know, rock. Instead, each contestant mostly shied away from taking any major chances, making for an entertaining (they ARE classic songs) if unspectacular hour.

Unless you count the spectacular collapse of Jason Castro. Actually, I'm not even sure it could be called a collapse since that would imply he was actually trying to do well in this thing. I can't ever remember a contestant more ready to go home than Jason.

Things actually started off promisingly for him as he seemingly astutely picked a Bob Marley song ("I Shot the Sheriff") that would suit his voice and personality. And while he performed with more enthusiasm than the previous two weeks combined (his dreadlocks were looking particularly lively), his vocals were just trainwrecky, or "utterly atrocious", as Simon put it.

At least he remembered all the words to "Sheriff". Since, I'm less than super-familiar with Bob Dylan's work, I had to look over at my girl Erica and ask her if Jason's ad-libbed humming was actually part of "Mr. Tamborine Man." It's too bad too, because the fact that he sounded a LOT better will be remembered by no one. Simon advised him to pack his bags and I have to say I agree.

I know the dude's been giving off a laid-back vibe all season, but there's a difference between being laid-back about the competition and wasting everybody's time by not caring. Seeing Carly Smithson in the audience just reminds me how much more she would've rocked this week and made Jason's tanking of the competition kind of intolerable.

In fact, Jason was SO bad that Syesha actually has a chance of making the season's final three. Excuse me, but after the lack of respect she's been getting all season, I'm not calling her a lock to advance, even in the face of Jason's disaster.

However, I think she had a strong enough night to merit a place in next week's show. Simon called her "Proud Mary" a "bad Tina Turner impersonation." Personally, I thought it was a pretty damn good Tina Turner impersonation. Still, not matter how fierce Syesha was and as great and comfortable as she looked on stage, she DID sort of revert to her old (bad) habit of emulating artists she can't possibly top.

Fortunately for her, Simon finally came around after her cover of Sam Cooke's "A Change is Gonna Come," agreeing with Paula that this was her moment (in case Simon hadn't noticed, she's been having those moments for about a month now). So it was slightly disheartening for me to have to agree with Randy. Sure, she sang the song pretty well, but she seemed off at some moments, and like she was trying to do too much at certain points. Also, I'm not sure comparing a song related to the Civil Rights movement to participating on "American Idol" is the greatest idea. Still, it was touching to see her sort of breakdown after Randy's critique and vindicated after Simon and Paula's comments (I'm enjoying someone's tears? Who am I? Tyra?) But it sort of helps wipe away that vaguely fake and superior vibe Syesha unintentionally gives off.

The night, of course, belonged to the two competitors destined to face off in this year's finals. And just to make sure we didn't have a Daughtry-level shocker this season, Ryan made sure to remind us WE HAVE TO VOTE right at the end of the show.

If I had to pick one of the two to be shockingly booted from the program it would have to be David Cook. Although he all but admitted he mailed in his first performance of "Hungry Like the Wolf", I kinda dug it. It's a super cheesy, 80's song which he updated with a very slight tweak. It wasn't anything groundbreaking, but I'd probably be less embarrassed to listen to Cook's version of it today than Duran, Duran's.

Anyway, his "Baba O'Riley" was my favorite performance of the night, and the only performance to really, you know, rock. I could DEFINITELY hear that on the radio right now, and Cook was back to exuding the aura of a professional performer.

I thought he performed really well last night, but the reason I have him being ousted in a shocker over David Archuleta is simply that David A. just has too many fans.

It also helps that he clearly had the strongest night overall out of the final four (though I'd stop short of saying he crushed the competition) with two smart song choices. Particularly brilliant was "Stand by Me", which he's been singing for years. In his room. To himself. And to his dog. While his voice were spot-on as usual, I have to ask — has this kid EVER met a vocal run he doesn't like?

His take on Elvis' "Love me Tender" wasn't great for me, though David DID give a solid and heartfelt performance. I'll ignore the fact that he's forgotten Andrew Lloyd Webber's advice and has taken to closing his eyes again. I also can't be the only one slightly annoyed by him taking a song (ANY song) and Archuleting it up and making it sound like something I'll be listening to on the Delilah show while driving home one night.

So what'd you think of this episode? Is Jason a lock to go home? Finally, can anybody stop an all-David finale? (Would you want to?)

Dancing with the Stars: Getting to the top single-handedly

Competing on "Dancing with the Stars" is so easy, I could do it with one arm significantly incapacitated by a ruptured tendon that probably should've been operated on by now.

Ok, so that's not as catchy saying "it's so easy, I could do it with one arm tied behind my back" or "it's so easy, a caveman could do it", but the idea remains the same — Cristian de la Fuente (pictured, left) shot to the top of the leaderboard for the first time a week after an injury threatened to have him leave the competition.

And in an even bigger shocking turn of events, his score didn't even seem THAT inflated due to pity points from the judges.

I'm not ready to say he was the best dancer last night (that would still be Kristi Yamaguchi) or that he turned out the best performance of the evening (I liked Mario's waltz and Kristi's quickstep better), but, overall Cristian probably left the best impression out of any dancer heading into the semifinals.

Of course, big-time credit has to be given to his partner Cheryl Burke who cleverly choreographed around her partner's injury. I was genuinely scared his arm might fall off during their uni-gloved "Beat it" tango, but the couple pulled off the silly dance (again, to "Beat it") very well. By the time Cristian pulled out the glittery arm brace for his mambo, I knew we were in for something good, and they couple delivered my third favorite dance of the evening, earning Cristian a 29.

Besides Cheryl blatantly dancing around him for some portions of their dances last night, I noticed that Cristian seemed more focused on his dancing last night than he had been in a while. Personally, I thought he looked better this week than last week before he got hurt. The fact that he has to be more careful is making him think about what he needs to do a lot more, which is shoring up his technique (which is his weak point). He's not my fave, but I was genuinely thrilled for the guy when he got his 29 at the end and high fived everyone in the back with his good hand — and later tried to cover up his nipple while being interviewed by Samantha.

If Cristian was feeling the love from the judges for the first time, it's becoming increasingly apparent that Mario is never going to. The judges pretty much agreed that he finally exuded elegance during a beautiful waltz. His posture was excellent and his lift with Karina was kind of breathtaking and completely fell in synch with the dance. Of course, the judges could only muster 9s, and Len even managed to compare his dancing to Britney Spears getting out of a car before saying something nice about him.

Unfortunately, his Latin round jive (his supposed strength) was sort of a disaster. Len, again, was particularly harsh, this time insulting Mario's feet, while Bruno (in a good mood all night) and Carrie Ann commented that the dance's wildness actually worked. I agree that the dance was while, but I don't really think it worked. The only thing that worked for me was Mario's pink suspenders.

While Mario's never really gotten the love he deserves (maybe he should stop grabbing Karina's ass while they're dancing - around 1:06 of their jive), the two contestants who've gotten the most love this season took a bit of a stumble.

Actually, Jason Taylor took a significant tumble last night, as his samba brought out a seven from Len (I figured they'd thrown away anything lower than an 8 by now). In fact, while Taylor did his best, the samba was a bit lethargic and, um, boring.

Meanwhile, while his tango earned two 10s, it seemed to me just a way for the judges to have him keep pace with Kristi (they SO want that final) during the ballroom round (she'd earned two 10s). Jason sort of lost his balance out of a simultaneous spin with Edyta (around 2:23), but fortunately he fell towards her. He had good posture and footwork, but his tango was unspectacular to me and was a 9 at best. Still, none of that matters because the shot of him getting a (ridiculously unnecessary) spray tan and showing off his insanely sculpted body ("Nice V-muscle" – my girlfriend Erica) was probably good enough to earn him about 20,000 votes.

Kristi, in my opinion, was pretty much flawless during her opening quickstep. At this point, the judges REALLY have to look hard for reasons not to give her a 10, since she's so good technically. I would've given her a 10 for that quickstep, even if it may have been missing a "wow" moment (which is really hard to achieve during a quickstep).

It wasn't for lack of trying. Kristi appeared to spend most of her rehearsal time this week trying to convince Mark to throw in some lifts. I was kind of with Mark on this one — just because they're now allowed to do one for each dance, doesn't mean they HAVE to. I don't really think lifts are going to impress the judges all that much (though it may impress viewers at home), and, personally, I thought the rule would mostly be beneficial to couples who have accidentally done a lift in the past and lost a point.

Then again, maybe Kristi has a point. She's so technically good, that part of her dancing is hardly worth watching anymore. That may help explain why she pulled out on umbrella last week, and was pushing lifts on Mark this week.

Of course, maybe she should refocus on her dancing, after a slightly insane samba which featured a lot of impressive spins, but seemed a bit out of control. It was almost as out of control as Kristi's fringed yellow outfit and Mark's bright red ensemble. They looked like ketchup and mustard. Also, their dip at the end was noticeably late (which the judges didn't comment on).

Then there's Marissa and Tony, who I'm picking to go home, mostly because I don't really remember too much about what they did.

I know they did a very lovely fox-trot to "New York, New York", which Bruno wanted to be even more theatrical than it was, and I remember their mambo being competent, but a bit slow and definitely unexciting. I've definitely enjoyed watching Marissa finally become as good as I thought she was going to be all season the last few weeks, but I think she's going to be going home. She also thinks she's going to be going home. Why else pull out the "I survived cancer" card now?

So what'd you think of this episode? Was Cristian overscored? Where would one even get Mario's pink suspenders? Since Tuesday is DWTS' 100th episode, and they're counting down the 10 best dances on the show, what's at the top of your list? (I've got Drew and Cheryl's freestyle #1, and Mel B. and Maksim's paso doble to "Free your mind" #2) Finally, who do you think is going home? (I'm planning on saying goodbye to Marissa.)

Desperate Housewives: Bad Omens

As it builds towards what's supposed to be a series-shaking season finale, "Desperate Housewives" delivered what I thought was the best episode of the year.

While the hour wasn't perfect, it had the welcome return of a few characters we hadn't seen in a while, good outings for characters who'd been a waste lately (Edie and Mike) plenty of sex (with PBS), drugs (Gabby and Carlos' new tenant) and (sort of) rock and roll (Lee looking like the lost member of "Wham!")

So let's get the one weak link out of the way right at the top. In a show full of characters who do dumb things in the name of soap opera plots, Dylan has to be the most relentlessly stupid person on TV right now (since "Heroes" isn't on, making Mohinder ineligible).

Apparently, she thinks it's a good idea to sneak away in the middle of the night and meet up with her (admittedly woman-beating) dad behind her mom's back, even though he totally creeped her out when they first met, and Gary Cole continued to bring the creepy last night. I thought Katherine was going to blow Wayne — who's CLEARLY up to no good — away last night after inviting him into her home and standing up to him. She probably should've, but that probably would've pushed stupid Dylan away. I'm guessing we're going to have to wait until Wayne physically assaults Dylan before Katherine can shoot him.

Dylan's stupidity aside, the hour highlighted a drug dealer, a recovering drug addict, and a pair of arsonists. However, none of them could hold a candle to Lynette's adoptive (and Tom's illegitimate) daughter Kayle, who was revealed last night to be a demon.

Well, not officially, but after she coolly revealed that it was her idea for the twins to set Rick's place on fire, and then easily manipulated Lynette by threatening to go to the police, Kayla (pictured, right) stepped up and joined the ranks of Damien in "The Omen" and, um, Macaulay Culkin in "The Good Son" as "evil kids that need to be destroyed immediately." I mean, she even convinced one of the twins (honestly, I can never tell which one) to jump off the roof.

That child is pure evil. Sure, the twins apparently wanted to use dynamite to blow Rick's place up, but that Road Runner plot, while unhealthy, was so cartoonish, that the twins would never be able to pull it off. Kayla came up with a realistic course of action then watched the puppets dance for her. The whole Kayla-hates-Lynette subplot had been on the backburner for a while, so it was good to see it burst back onto the surface. I'm looking forward to watching Lynette devise a way to vanquish Kayla (I suggest a beheading, to make sure she doesn't come back), since Tom is being spectacularly stupid about the whole thing (since Kayla is "his").

Kayla had some competition in the "despicable character" competition last night, as Susan's husband Karl made his return. I always enjoyed the character because he's about 25 times more interesting than Mike, and I think Richard Burgi and Teri Hatcher have real chemistry as exes. While Burgi delivered some laughs, I think Karl was WAY too much on the nasty side, parading around his young law professor wife, and calling Susan fat and old. Then again, the character was so infuriating that you can see how Susan could tear herself away from that chimichanga and focus all her energy on trying to one-up him, when she's got a good reliable man by her side just then.

Indeed, Mike had another strong episode in a row, even making me laugh a few times after Susan made him dress up for Lamaze class, hence I'll not make fun of his acting.

While Susan unintentionally does her best to put a strain on her solid (if not as sexy as Karl's) marriage, Bree looked like she had every intention of walking away from Orson. I actually thought she was being kind of stupid and acting unnecessarily superior towards Orson. Sure, we all know she's obsessed with appearances (and how embarrassing is it to have your husband try to kill your friends husband), but I wasn't buying her demanding that Orson turn himself into the police and not really believing that he's sorry (which he clearly is). I guess I missed the part where she demanded Andrew turn himself into the police for driving drunk and killing Carlos' mom in season 1. Or I guess the jail stint Bree did after turning herself in for poisoning and killing George the pharmacist, or letting her ex-husband Rex suffer for a while when he had a heart attack. She needs to get over herself.

Fortunately, this storyline was rescued when Edie drove up in her convertible and ridiculous hat to take Orson in and rescue him from a depressing sounding divorcee book club. Of course, when he spent the night on Edie's couch, Bree assumed the worst, since Edie DOES pick at other women's leftovers. I loved Edie recoiling and saying it'd be "like having sex with PBS" and later hinting that she thought he was gay. I also like that Edie's nasty side is making a bit of a return — she's not hitting at Orson because she's attracted to him, she's doing it just to mess with Bree because Bree insulted her. And I'm strangely ok with that.

Finally, Bob and Lee turned up on Wisteria Lane again (maybe they were away on a gay cruise or something). Gabby enlisted their help (because gays are theatrical!) when she suspected that her new tenant (Justine Bateman) was a prostitute. She wanted the butcher of the pair (first thought to be Bob, but it turns out that it was Lee, who played Tony in "West Side Story") to try to solicit the art student/tattoo artist/would-be tramp, resulting in Lee getting a few kicks to the stomach. I mean, how could that plan have possibly failed? It was only slightly less ridiculous than the twins' "Let's use dynamite to blow up Rick's" concoction. Either way, it turns out that the new tenant is merely a lying drug dealer who is probably pretty dangerous.

Still, it was a great idea to have Bob and Lee (who crack me up consistently) paired up with Gabby. Hopefully that won't be the last time we see that trio together.

So what'd you think of this episode? What would you do if you were Kayla's parents? Are Edie and Orson going to become a couple? Finally, do you think Carlos gets his sight back this season or next? (Honestly, how much longer can they milk this?)

Iron Man Review

We all know the story. A billionaire suffers a life-changing trauma and decides to reinvent himself as a crime-fighting superhero.

Still, the "Batman" movie doesn't come out for a few months.

Until then, "Iron Man", the adaptation of Marvel Comic's slightly lesser-known character should enjoy a healthy run in theatres, seeing as it's just unofficially kicked off the summer movie season. It also stands as one of the best superhero movies I've seen.

Of course, a lot of that is due to the recent trend of casting good actors in key roles (Christian Bale as Batman, Tobey Maguire as Spiderman, etc.) as opposed to people who simply look the part.

"Iron Man" is no exception, giving us the obscenely-talented Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark. Stark is a fun-loving, brilliant billionaire industrialist and the role suits Downey so well and makes so much sense, that it's hard to remember his casting was ever risky. You can't help but think of Downey's own personal struggles as he plays up Stark's hard-partying lifestyle. However, you also buy the character's evolution into do-gooder — after being seriously injured and captured in Afghanistan by his own weapons — because Downey is a good actor, but you root for Stark because Downey has similarly been able to turn his life around (at least I do).

Director Jon Favreau is smart to allow Downey to cut loose in what seem like plenty of improvised riffs with the rest of the cast. Favreau also does a good job of taking his time developing the character of Stark and, as in the terrific "Batman Begins", showing us how a man becomes a superhero (the construction of Stark's costumes), though I still don't exactly get how average people just automatically know how to fight with martial-artsy skill when they become superheroes (the exception was Batman, who we saw train).

Still, that's a minor quibble because Favreau keeps things moving for the most part by sprinkling in clever and exciting action sequences in between all of the scenes developing Stark's character (instead of the other way around).

Downey is far from the only accomplished actor in the cast. Academy Award-winner Gwyneth Paltrow gives her most winning performance in a while (she usually leaves me a bit cold) as Stark's ultra-dedicated assistant Pepper Potts. There's really not too much to the role, but Downey and Paltrow have very good chemistry, creating a spark in their funny, romantic and serious scenes.

Oscar nominees Jeff Bridges and Terrence Howard round out the rest of the main cast, and, while they weren't bad at all, I thought they were probably the movie's weaker links. In fact, I enjoyed Shaun Toub's role as Yinsen, who helps Stark build his first Iron Man suit, more than Bridges and Howard.

Bridges is Stark's corporate partner Obadiah Stone and, while his character is a fine and interesting foil to Stark's, Bridges appeared to mostly take the role so he could shave his head and grow an awesome beard. Howard, on the other hand, DOES have some amusing moments with Downey as his friend Jim Rhodes, but he honestly didn't have much to do other than to act like a dork. However, it feels like his character is going to have more to do in the sequels. I also would've liked to have seen a bit of a stronger main villain, but, since the first movie in a series has to spend a significant amount of time developing its hero, the lack of a great villain is very forgiveable.

Oh yeah, there WILL be sequels. On top of the boatload of money the movie made on its opening weekend, Favreau, Downey and company have established the groundwork for what should be an interesting and entertaining franchise.

(Also, in case you haven't seen the movie yet —and judging by the first weekend grosses, you probably have — stick around until after the closing credits.)

Iron Man...B+

Lost: Is There a Doctor in the Nuthouse?

I liked that last night's episode of "Lost" began in the exact same way as the series' pilot — a tight closeup of Jack's eyeball right before he wakes up.

However, instead of springing into life-saving action as he did in the show's very first scene, Jack — looking like hell — collapsed on the beach during a fight between the castaways and Charlotte and Faraday. Ironically, Jack's appendicitis storyline turned out to be, for me, the weakest link by far in an otherwise solid episode.

I was expecting a bit of a letdown last night after last week's action packed and head spinning Ben-centric episode, but "Something Nice Back Home" still managed to deliver some interesting, non-Jack related tidbits on the Island, while providing a heartbreaking (if you care about Jack) flash forward that also gave us some answers.

Namely, how did Jack get to the point where he grew a long bushy beard, gave up on life, and was one step short of drinking hot milk on a sidewalk? Well, it was because of Kate, who convinced him not to shave his scruff, and appeared to break Jack's heart after stirring up some of the doctor's old issues.

These included his well-documented daddy issues, as well as his trust issues (his first wife DID cheat on him). We learned that sometime after Kate's trial, Jack got over whatever reluctance he had to hook up with Kate. Although it should've been pretty obvious, I was still pretty surprised and delighted that Kate was the person in the shower (and that the Yankees had swept the Red Sox — must've been a paper from last year). I liked that the tortured doc was leading a happy life, even if Aaron needs to learn to pick up after himself.

Of course, that was all shot to hell shortly after a visit to Hurley, who's still in the nuthouse. He told Jack he believes the Oceanic Six are really dead (and Jack is experiencing his version of heaven). I'm not really buying that, and I honestly think it's another case of the show's writers messing with us (as when Hurley's friend Dave tried to convince him everything happening on the Island was in Hurley's head).

More importantly, Hurley told Jack that he has regular chats with Charlie (we didn't know they were regular) and (in several of the episode's callbacks to season 1), that Jack "shouldn't be raising him" (see: Claire's "Raised by Another" ep) and that he would soon be visited by three ghosts (ok, he only said one, but I couldn't resist the Christmas Carol thing).

Indeed Jack's dad, Dr. Christian Shephard haunted last night's episode as much as he has his son's entire life. Eventually, he DID appear to Jack in the hospital (which is what caused him to start popping pills) and, after having grudgingly given his dad a backhanded compliment (he was a good storyteller), his insecurities about being able to be a good father eventually took over and wrecked his relationship with Kate.

Well that, and the revelation that Kate still has Sawyer on her mind, as she was busted running some sort of errand for the con man. Last night we learned that Sawyer (and presumably a significant chunk of the castaways) had CHOSEN to stay on the Island, thereby all but confirming that the reason Jack has to go BAAAAACCCKKK!! is related to the folks he left behind. Unfortunately, I still can't shake the bad feeling that something bad is going to happen to Sawyer, and that Kate's favor for him was posthumous.

Christian also decided to pay a visit to his other child, visiting Claire in the middle of the night and grabbing Aaron (what is it with that girl and her baby and being kidnapped in the night?) Although only seen in flashes last night, I think Christian is another one of those seemingly peripheral characters, who will turn out to be very significant. Remember, earlier this season, it appeared to be Christian (more than anyone else) sitting in Jacob's cabin. Also, during season 1's "The White Rabbit", Jack followed the vision of his dad on the Island to discover that his body was gone from its coffin. So he's out there somewhere.

I also enjoyed the brief little scenes with Sawyer, Claire and Miles. As I've said, I've enjoyed Josh Holloway and the way he's conveyed Sawyer's growth on the Island from a guy who only gave a damn about himself to a protective figure. It was also nice to remember that Miles is more than just incredibly sarcastic and actually has that supernatural power of being able to communicate with the dead (as he did when he discovered Karl and Rousseau's burial site). The abrasive Miles DID seem to take particular interest in Claire. Hmm.

Then there was the whole appendicitis subplot which, as I mentioned, was mostly a dud for me. Jack was sick, he was going to have a dangerous primitive surgery, but we knew nothing would happen to him. The best we got was some half-baked concession from Juliet towards the end that her kiss with Jack was only meant to mask his feelings for Kate. If I cared about this alleged triangle and if I believed that Jack really loves Kate (I think he's more obsessed with saving her — I think Sawyer loves her) , I'm sure I would've found this more interesting.

What I did find interesting was Jin realizing that Charlotte speaks Korean and reminding us that the good guy on the Island, used to be a mob enforcer and threatening to harm Faraday is Charlotte didn't make sure Jin and her baby got off the Island.

I also thought that Rose's observation about how the Island is supposed to heal people —not make them sick — was interesting. Certainly, we've seen evidence of both its healing powers (Locke and Rose) and the fact that it can cause some damage (Jack's condition, Ben's tumor, the fact that pregnant women eventually die). I'm not smart enough to figure out what any of that means, so I'll leave it up to you.

What'd you think of this episode? Where do you think Claire disappeared off to? Since Island Jack doesn't know he's related to Claire/Aaron yet, do you think the way he told Kate, "you're not even related to him", means that he eventually finds out? Finally, do you think there's something between Charlotte and Faraday? (I mean, why would she care if Jin hurts him?)

America's Next Top Recap: Gladiatrix of the Trade

While I've often complained that this latest cycle of "Top Model" has been relatively boring in terms of the contestants personalities and the weekly photo shoots, I thought last night's episodes was one of the best.

Then again, whenever you can incorporate sword-fighting gladiators, a healthy does of Tyra's brand of crazy and ornate renaissance paintings into the same hour, you figure you're in for an eventful episode.

The episode started with an inexplicably cocky Fatima declaring (to the audience at home) that she had no competition based on her strong performance during the Cover Girl commercial shoot last week. As disastrous as that challenge was, I wouldn't exactly be bragging about being the best of that bunch (it's kind of a like being the tallest midget in the world).

We also had the return of crazy, delusional speaks-in-third-person Dominique. When the women were presented with the gladiatorial challenge — in which they learned five basic moves and then took on the mighty Fernando in an impromptu photo shoot — Dominique expressed a lot of enthusiasm, especially at the prospect of whooping Whitney's ass. She quickly added that she was joking (but we all know she really wasn't).

I actually enjoyed Dom in this episode more than any other this season. She wasn't picking any petty fights with any of her competitors and her delusions about how great of a model she is actually worked in her favor — she appeared to have no idea how little Tyra and Co. think of her "Top Model" prospects, which allowed her to cut loose and do some good work.

Speaking of cutting loose and doing good work, that's precisely what Whitney did during the first half of the episode. The challenge was to apply the fighting techniques they'd learned and incorporate strong model poses, and Whitney did just that, cutting a strong figure, while not being afraid of showing her stomach. More importantly, I didn't hear her start a single sentence this week with "Being a plus size model." (Unfortunately, she was replaced by Katarzyna's, "The judges have told me I'm boring, so.")

Anya (as usual) also did a very nice job during the shoot, while Katarzyna appeared to be dragging her sword and Fatima had her body completely turned the wrong direction (even after Mr. Jay told her precisely not to do that). Then there was Dominique, who struck high fashion poses while intentionally leaving out the fighting techniques they'd learned. I liked it. It was completely wrong, but I liked it. At least it was interesting.

The challenge winner came down to Anya and Whitney, with Whitney (finally) taking the prize (a shopping spree in Rome), but deciding to share it with Anya (I guess it DOES pay to be nice to other people, as Anya has). So even when Anya doesn't actually win challenges, she still reaps the rewards. She's so dominating right now.

Still, the thing I probably liked the most about last night's episode was that, for once, the editing did NOT give away at all who was going home. Heading into the main photo shoot (photographed by Mama Tyra), you would've thought that Fatima (and her cocky attitude) and Dominique (and her insanity) were the most at risk.

Of course, it turned out to be Katarzyna (Paulina nailed the fact that she has sleepy eyes), and Whitney (who, according to Tyra was stuck in a breast and booty rut) in the bottom two. To me, it looked like she'd pulled her hamstring or something.

On the other hand, Anya struck a terrific pose, and looked like she was right out of a painting, while Fatima's fluid movements impressed Tyra and contorted torso excited Ms. J more than anything else I can remember.

Finally, there was Dominique, who Tyra admitted she was not excited to shoot, and came on set looking like Cruella DeVille. Fortunately, Dominique worked her photo shoot and probably produced her best shot to date. It would've been even better if she hadn't killed most of that goodwill with her tragic red shirt and tights combo at panel.

As is the case with pretty much every reality show, the more boring contestant was eliminated and Whitney survived another week in her hopes of becoming the first plus-size model to win this show. It's too bad, because I thought Katarzyna was a very good model. Still, after two bottom-two trips in a row, Whitney seemed a little discouraged last night, and I hope she has enough left to make it to the finals. (If not, I'll finally get to use the "Fat Chance" headline I've been waiting to use for the column after her inevitable elimination).

So what'd you think of this episode? What was the point of having Ms. J at the first photo shoot? (Honestly, what did he add?) Did you (like Fatima) occasionally forget that Katarzyna was on this show? (I have to admit, I'd forget too sometimes) Does Tyra really realize that French and Italian are not the same language? More importantly, who do you have being eliminated next week and falling just short of the final three?

I've got Anya (a lock), Fatima (I think she's going to win this thing) and Whitney in the top three. Even though Dominique's coming on strong, the judges just don't like her, and she's just as likely to follow up a good showing like last night's with a complete meltdown.