Lost: I Didn't Know Jack

There are a lot of reasons that I haven’t written down my thoughts on the “Lost” series finale until now, four days later.

1.) I’ve been extra busy at work because Memorial Day pushed up our deadlines this week. 2.) I’ve been putting off writing what will be (sniff) my last official word on one of my favorite shows. 3.) I’m lazy as hell.

The problem is none of those reasons are true. 1.) Yes, I’ve been busy (and a little sick too), but that hasn’t stopped me from pumping out recaps of (and incorrect predictions for) the “American Idol” and “Dancing with the Stars” finales, as well as a semi-detailed wrap-up of “24.” 2.) That’s BS too. The season 6 DVD comes out in August, and you can bet I’ll be re-watching it in light of what we learned in the series finale. Also, I can’t imagine NOT referencing “Lost” in one way or another in my writing and conversations for years to come. 3.) Ok, there’s no arguing with #3.

Still, the real reason is that I needed a few days to digest this epic two-and-a-half-hour episode (that was really more like one-and-a-half, thanks to those omnipresent commercials).

Here were my thoughts immediately after the end of “The End” — I was both incredibly moved by the story it told and I was absolutely impressed by the epic-scale of this TV presentation. (The overhead shots when Jack and Locke were fighting on that cliff were breathtaking — even if Jack’s Falcon punch going into the preceding commercial break made me laugh out loud.)

The only problem was that I really didn’t know what the hell had just happened.

As I’m sure you know, there are a lot of different theories and interpretations out there, but the consensus seems to be that the six-season-long drama on the Island actually happened and the Sideways world we followed this entire season was basically Jack Shephard’s personal limbo.

I’m inclined to believe this interpretation and I also think it was a neat trick to make the Sideways world limbo/purgatory, since people had been guessing for years that the Island itself was purgatory.)

I really liked this finale revelation because (I’m not proud to say) Jack, with his raging stubbornness and his addiction to fixing everything, was always the character I identified with the most. (We all wish we were cool and quippy like Sawyer or lovable like Hurley, but a lot of us are Jacks and we’re afraid to admit it.) However, I also completely understand why people had problems with the finale.

I’m guessing if you had problems with the finale, it was for one of two big reasons: 1.) You demanded answers (that you knew deep down the show was never going to give you). 2.) You hate Jack.

To the Jack-haters, I feel your pain. After that heroic first half of season one, the good doc became more and more of a pill until his hard-headedness became downright unbearable. Still, you can’t be THAT shocked that the season 6 story (and to a lesser extent, the story of “Lost”) ended up being about Jack. This season was all about Jack humbling himself and accepting his limitations, and I think the change looked good on Matthew Fox. If you want to go further back, look at the show’s iconic first image — Jack opening his eye in the jungle! (How else would you expect it to end other than by having Jack’s eye close in the very same spot?)

The answers-demanders have a much more legitimate gripe, in my opinion. As I mentioned before, people in this category HAD to know the series finale was not going to answer all their questions (otherwise, they haven’t been paying attention all this time). There’s actually not much I can say to make these people happy because I don’t have the answers.

I think what we have in this case is a philosophical difference. Most shows on TV (and works of fiction in general) introduce a mystery/question and eventually answer it, while a select few encourage viewers to puzzle out the answers themselves. “Lost” obviously falls in the latter category. In my opinion, the show presented us — over the course of six years — with enough evidence for us to come up with our own answers as to why women who get pregnant on the Island die, or why the Others kidnapped Walt, or why Sun didn’t time travel back to 1977, along with the rest of the Oceanic 6, etc.

Here’s where the philosophical difference comes in. You can read my previous paragraph and say, “Screw that…I actually want to REALLY know why women couldn’t have babies on the Island?” OR you can go back, analyze what we’ve all seen and come to your own conclusion. I don’t think either response is incorrect, but the second response takes much more work. What’s more, even when “Lost” tried the direct approach (Michael explaining to Hurley the origin of the Whispers), I felt like it was clumsy and unnatural.

What I’m saying is that I can totally understand why the answer-demanders are frustrated (why should TV have to be work?!), but I definitely fall in the other category. I LOVE that “Lost” has engaged my imagination all these years whereas, in contrast, people probably stop thinking about the latest “NCIS” the minute it’s over. (Then again, NCIS is the #1 scripted show on TV, while “Lost” struggled in the ratings toward the end, so what do I know?)

(Of course, there’s a very strong chance that I’m full of it and that the producers simply wrote themselves into a corner, ran out of time and couldn’t possibly explain all the mysteries they introduced.)

Ok, I’m tired of blabbing (and you’re tired of reading) about all this Big Picture stuff regarding the end of “Lost.” Here are some stream of consciousness thoughts on the finale itself.

- Although I’ve expressed that I liked the twist of having the Sideways world be Jack’s limbo, I still have a few issues with the Sideways storytelling device.

1.) If this was all told from Jack’s perspective, did we REALLY need Sideways episodes dedicated to stuff like Ben’s high school-level scheming and Sayid pining after Nadia — in other words, stuff that had NOTHING to do with Jack. I get that we needed to see what those characters were up to and how they’d eventually be put in a position to recall their Island lives, but all those episodes seem somewhat like a waste of time since they were basically supporting players in Jack’s story.

2.) On a completely selfish level, I HATED that Jack’s son David was never real. (I now see Sideways Locke’s “You don’t HAVE a son” line was meant to be harsh.) Whereas most of the other characters welcomed the idea of remembering their Island past, Jack was definitely the most resistant and I’m guessing his reconciliation with his son (which probably ended up being a manifestation of Jack’s wish to reconcile with his own dead dad) the main reason why.

- Speaking of those Island Enlightenment moments, I found pretty much all of them incredibly touching. You could say the circumstances in the Sideways world were incredibly contrived, but that world was basically revealed to be a fantasy, so I can overlook that. My favorite part was recognizing each moment right before it happened. For example, I got chills right before Juliet showed Sun and Jin their baby for the first time, meanwhile, my girlfriend Erica totally called Kate helping Claire deliver her baby. (I’d also throw in the moment with Jack and Anti-Locke lowering Desmond into the cave mirroring Jack and Locke lowering Kate into the hatch…where Desmond was.)

- I’ve even come to accept the Sayid/Shannon reunion. At first, I was as confused and annoyed as you, then I realized that this is Jack’s purgatory. I don’t think Jack ever really saw Nadia as the love of Sayid’s life — to him, Sayid and Shannon meant to be together. (Or they just wanted to shoe-horn Maggie Grace into the finale.)

- When/why did Desmond and Hurley find time to re-Enlighten Boone, of all people? (Nice to see Ian Somerhalder back.)

-Speaking of Hurley, I thought Jorge Garcia (an underrated dramatic actor) was all-around outstanding in this episode. I LOVED how happy he was to see Charlie (kinda alive) again in the Sideways world. I LOVED the speech he gave Sayid about the Iraqi (or Pakistani, as his mom might say) torturer not believing what people say about him. I also LOVED that he ended up being the Island guardian, with Ben as his #2.

- In a related story, who else wants to see a little bit of “Lost: The Burley Years”? By the way, the quick “You were a great #2” exchange between Ben and Hurley is my strongest argument against people who say the passengers of Oceanic 815 died in the original plane crash. That line CLEARLY implied that they worked together on the Island for years.

- Underrated touching moment: Locke forgiving Ben before he went into the church. I’ll probably miss Terry O’Quinn and Michael Emerson doing their thing together most of all.

- O’Quinn gave TWO Emmy-worthy performances this year. Just sayin’.

- So Kate, of all people, actually ended up saving the day. Though the character caught a lot of flack over the years (Evangeline Lilly’s work was always strong though), I feel like the finale more than redeemed her. Kate shot Anti-Locke, FINALLY made a choice between Jack and Sawyer, AND wore a really short tight dress. (Notice she had changed clothes to something more appropriate once she was actually in church — she didn’t want to arrive in heaven looking like a hooker.)

She also had, arguably, the best line: “Christian Shephard? Seriously?” (She turned out to be more right than we knew.)

- I have to side with the answer-demanders on two points.

1.) I REALLY wish we’d gotten at least a little more background on the Island. I can accept the light/source, but what about that cork business? I get that uncorking Island effectively killed the light/source (which had been giving Anti-Locke his power, thereby making him mortal) and that re-corking it restored the Island’s magic. I’m more wondering about the mechanical aspects of the Island.

Also, why is the Island able to move?

2.) Also, what WAS the deal with Desmond and why was he so special in what turned out to be Jack’s story. I mean, the dude wasn’t even on the original Oceanic 815. My best guess is that Desmond being the actual cause of Oceanic 815’s crash probably had something to do with it.

So what’d you think of this episode? What was your favorite Island Enlightenment moment? (For me, it was Sun and Jin, especially since they were so happy to be back together and Jin was so amused that Sawyer was a cop.) Why do you think Ben wasn’t ready to join his friends and move on? (Did he feel like he needed to atone more or did he simply want to spend more time with Alex and Rosseau?) Finally, what did YOU think of “The End” of “Lost”?

American Idol: Two Much Pressure

Since I hate this season of “American Idol” so much and I’m pretty thrilled that it’s almost over, I’m going to keep my final recap relatively short:

Lee DeWyze CHOKED.

I take almost no pleasure in this because Lee really seems like a nice guy who was completely overwhelmed by the 7,000-seat Nokia Theatre, the same way he seemed overwhelmed during his first live TV performances in the semifinal round.

The little pleasure I do take has little to do with Lee — it’s more directed at the judges who worked weekends and overtime to convince us (and him) that he was a worthy frontrunner/winner.

I’ve said it before (probably only to my girlfriend Erica), but I’ll say it again. If Lee were to win, he’d be the worst winner in the show’s nine-season run.

“Hey!” you’re undoubtedly saying. “What about Ruben Studdard and Taylor Hicks?” While those two former “Idols” may have mostly flopped in the music marketplace, I defy you to go back and watch their “Idol” runs and tell me they were worse than Lee “I’d finish seventh place in a half-decent season” DeWyze. Hicks, for one, was both a more consistent singer AND a more electrifying performer. (Then again, the wheelchair-bound Artie from “Glee” is a more electrifying performer than Lee.) The only real advantage that Lee has is his admittedly distinct and contemporary tone.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying Lee can’t win. Actually, the fact that people are beating him up as badly (or even worse) than I did in my previous paragraph could result in him getting a significant sympathy vote. More importantly, Lee’s major voting bloc (the young girls with their deafening screams) are much more likely to power text than Crystal’s fan base (middle-aged folk aficionados?)

But again, I’m going to stop beating up on Lee because it’s not his fault that he was hyped as the frontrunner he wasn’t.

Coming into the finale, I felt that there was the strong possibility that Crystal could wipe the floor with him. In contrast, I felt like the best Lee could hope for was a draw. What we got was the former.

Whereas Lee appeared intimidated by his new surroundings, Crystal Bowesox (pictured, right) seemed reinvigorated by the bigger stage (both literal and figurative) and really brought it Tuesday night.

I fundamentally hate the idea of a Contestants Redux round. (How can an “Idol” possibly hope to surpass a previous standout performance?) Suffice it to say neither contestant quite reached the level of their original performance, but at least Crystal got the room jumping with her upbeat finish on “Me and Bobby McGee.” (For the record, Lee sounded fine on “The Boxer” – just didn’t bring anything new to the table.)

Up next was the Simon Fuller Round, in which the “Idol” producers handpicked two tracks for the finalists to cover.

Neither one of them set the world on fire, but I found Crystal’s take on “Black Velvet” (despite its occasional screechiness and the feeling that she was going to fall down and bust her ass at any time) considerably less annoying than Lee’s cover of “Everybody Hurts.” Maybe it’s me, but I just don’t feel like you can (or should) go to the gospel choir well two weeks in a row. If Lee insists on clinging to his guitar for dear life and not working the stage, why not put the spotlight on him and do the song up acoustic style? I actually think this was a terrific choice for Lee (and “Black Velvet” was a bad choice for Crystal), and that’s why I’m disappointed he didn’t do more with it.

Then again, there’s probably a reason why Lee (and Crystal) almost always perform with their guitars. When they don’t, they seem to wander around the stage, not really knowing what to do with their hands or how to interact with the other musicians.

This unfortunately happened to Lee during his rendition of U2’s “Beautiful Day”, set to be released as his first single in the event he wins. Kara was right — Lee got lost in the shuffle of violin players, but to me the biggest offense was wimping out on the chorus’s high notes and not fully engaging the audience or embracing the experience. The guy just looked like he wanted to get it over with.

On the other hand, when Crystal took the stage for her final performance — Patty Griffin's “Up to the Mountain” — you could just feel like you were in good hands. I’m not convinced that Crystal would have a contemporary radio hit on her hands with this recording, but it undoubtedly delivered as a true, unmanufactured, capital-M Moment on the “Idol” stage. Crystal kept the spotlight on herself and delivered an emotional yet controlled performance that would’ve sealed her victory in an ideal world

But what’d you think of this episode? Is Randy Jackson actually mentally challenge? (He complained about “Me and Bobby McGee” “starting out slow” — the song starts out slow before it picks up, ding-dong!) Did you like that they ditched the traditional original coronation song? (They’re usually awful, but I missed making fun of how awful they are.) Finally, who do you think will win and who do you think SHOULD win? I think Crystal will AND should win. Lee was SO bad last night (when you consider it was the finals) that a win by him would be a joke. (Then again, what better way to wrap up this terrible season?)

Thanks for reading (and suffering) along with me these past few months. Enjoy the finale!

24: The Final Countdown

There were a lot of contradictions coming into the final episode of “24.”

As much as I’ve loved and enjoyed the show over the years (as I suspect many others have), it’s hard to get too broken up about its cancelation. Not only had the writers basically run out of moles to install in CTU or nuclear weaponry to threaten American cities with, but the show — with its novel, self-contained concept — was really lucky to be on the air more than a few seasons, so getting eight years was an incredible gift.

Then there’s the fact that Kiefer Sutherland and Co. have not made a secret of the fact that they intend to make at least one “24” movie. Since the movie would obviously continue to follow Jack Bauer’s misadventures (unless it was a prequel), that knowledge robbed the series finale of some drama, since we knew it was highly unlikely Jack would die.

One more: the show’s cancelation was announced in the middle of the season, which meant the ending was presumably in the can. Although the end of “24” is a BIG deal, what we got was a relatively no-frills finale that I’m assuming was intentionally open-ended in case the show got renewed. It felt like the show’s final episode SHOULD have been a bit bigger, but there was no way to do that.

All these contradictions were floating around my mind as I settled in to watch the show’s swan song, but I found that most of those worries went away thanks to a solid final two hours of entertainment.

Remember how Jack was apparently bleeding to death after being wounded by a Russian security guard? Well, that was resolved pretty easily after Jack kidnapped Jason Pillar and forced him to suture the wound after sneaking Jack into the building across from the U.N. (Could that security guard REALLY not see Jack crouched in the backseat?) After knocking Pillar unconscious (J.P. Injury #1), Jack picked his spot and pulled out his sniper rifle.

Before he got down to business, he recorded a somber video message explaining the nature of his actions, in the event that he wound up dead or in prison. At first, I assumed he was recording the message for his daughter, but now it occurs to me that he was probably recording it as a sort of general testament that Chloe or someone else could use to expose the truth.

Speaking of the truth, let’s talk a little about Dalia Hassan. As good and compelling as the Jack stuff was (as it usually is), I think Cherry Jones and, ESPECIALLY, Necar Zadegan acted their asses off during that first hour.

Kayla informed her mother Dalia about Meredith Reed’s phone call and allegations about the Russian’s involvement in President Hassan’s death. Dalia confronted President Taylor about it. Taylor tried to put on a defense, but her actions over the last several hours (what with her losing her mind) have clearly taken a toll on her and Jones did an excellent job in conveying that Taylor simply didn’t have the strength to lie anymore.

This led to an intense, emotional and excellent scene between the two leaders which resulted in Dalia VERY begrudgingly agreeing to sign the peace treaty after President Taylor threatened nuclear action. (I believe she’d like that pen back.) Zadegan deserves to have more work after this powerhouse performance.

Dalia could barely disguise her disdain when Yuri, the Russian president arrived. Jack almost made Dalia a very happy lady by taking Yuri out — but Chloe had to go and interfere.

Since Jack had bugged Logan, he knew about Yuri’s involvement. Jack trained his sniper rifle on Logan and demanded that he summon Yuri to his office. Meanwhile, Cole and Chloe learned from Jim Ricker (why did they use Michael Madsen so little in this finale?) that Jack had a copy of the recording implicating the Russians in the day’s assassination plot. Chloe went to look for Jack to try to talk him down from the ledge, but Jack responded by putting her in a sleeper hold. (That sound you heard was my heart breaking.)

Chloe woke up and was eventually able to convince Jack not to assassinate Yuri and assured him that she’d see his mission all the way through and expose the conspiracy. However, to make it look like Chloe had legitimately caught Jack, she had to shoot him. Just terrific, intense work from Sutherland and Mary Lynn Rajskub, who, despite being known for her cranky quips, really ended up being a great dramatic actress.

The bullet ended up going completely through Jack, which made Jason Pillar suspicious. (I thought it was funny that the untrained Chloe’s gunshot ended up being too good.) Pillar creepily searched her for Jack’s audio file, but she had hid it in her phone. (Really, Jason? You didn’t think to look in there?) Pillar eventually figured out what happened, leading to CTU tool Burke foiling Chloe before she could send the info to Arlo so he could broadcast it. It also led to J.P. Injury #2 after Jack Mike Tysoned Pillar’s ear to buy Chloe some time.

The evidence got back to Logan, who handed it over to Taylor. It was always clear that Taylor would eventually confess what she’d done, but the show still found a nice way to dramatize the decision. Taylor backed out of signing her beloved peace agreement.

Unfortunately, she’d already put a hit out on Jack after Logan convinced her that Jack would never EVER stop hunting Yuri as long as he was alive. She tried to thwart the ambush (nice work from Tim Woods in this scene), but it was too late.

Taylor tried to reach Logan, but my boy was not going down easy. He knocked Jason Pillar out with J.P. Injury #3 and #4 (I actually felt bad for the guy) and turned the gun on himself. I thought that was going to be the end of Logan, but (again!) there’s a movie to think about and Logan is WAY too delicious a villain to kill off.

Meanwhile, Jack’s convoy had been ambushed and he had been captured. (I like that he was fighting till the very end, even with his hands cuffed behind him.) Fortunately, President Taylor was able to reach his captors using a CTU drone and called them off. She told Jack she was going to turn herself in and that he’d have to do the same. By that same token, she gave him a little bit of time to allow for his escape.

That led to the second hour’s best scene in which Jack told Chloe that she was the only person…who’d ever covered his back. (Was I the only one who thought he might use the L-word?)

And that’s where our story ends. Our president will resign in disgrace (Cherry Jones deserved better) and our hero will disappear for a while…before coming to a theatre near you.

So what’d you think of this episode? Why bring in Eriq LaSalle (“ER”) in the final hour, but give him nothing to do? Do you think the show would’ve ended differently if the writers had known this was the final season ahead of time?

Dancing with the Stars: The Bedroom Dance

Tuesday night is going to be interesting.

(No, I’m not talking about the last performance of episode of “American Idol” — that show has no shot at being interesting this year!)

I’m talking about the crowning of a new champion on “Dancing with the Stars” — and the handing over of that simultaneously glorious and hideous mirrorball trophy.

Coming into Monday night’s performance episode, I would’ve bet money on an Evan win. He had the technical goods and I believe he has the fan support.

However, heading into Tuesday’s finale Evan found himself on the bottom of the judges’ leader board. On top of that, Erin Andrews, the darkest (and blondest) of dark horses found herself tied for the lead with Nicole Scherzinger, who really may be the best celebrity dancer this show has ever seen.

How did we get here? I’m glad you asked.

Erin Andrews and Maks: I hate to be conspiracy theory guy, but it felt to me as if the judges were working overtime to give Erin a boost (and to keep Evan down — more on that later). Then again, this is “Dancing with the Stars” — nothing’s really at stake other than that hid-glorious trophy, so even if it IS fixed, who cares, right?

For her redemption round, Erin performed the samba, which was a great choice for her since she has vastly improved on her Latin dances over the course of the competition. And the dancing portions of her performance were indeed impeccable. The problem I had is that she didn’t dance enough. I thought there were too many shenanigans in the beginning with Maks threatening to take off his vest and thinking better of it. There was also a fair bit of “messing about” toward the end of the performance. I was shocked Len didn’t call them out on it, and I was even more shocked they earned two 10s from the judges. I was about to call Bruno the lone voice of reason for giving her a 9, but then I remembered him screaming “look at your ass!” at Erin during rehearsals. “Bruno” and “voice of reason” do not belong in the same sentence.

As for their freestyle — I liked Erin’s attempt at trying something different and making a bold move because she IS the dark horse. Although she didn’t embarrass herself by any means, her Mandy Moore (not that one) contemporary routine was admirably competent at best and a head-scratcher at worst. Maybe I'm just spoiled by all the incredible contemporary dancing on "So You Think You Can Dance."

Evan Lysacek and Anna: Len came to work with the couple on their Viennese waltz and made sure Evan understood that he needed to connect with Anna throughout the dance.

Though I would’ve liked to have seen more moments of connection between the two, the routine was so damn fast they barely had any time to look at each other. That being said, I thought Evan executed his VERY challenging dance excellently while also keeping the performance fun and delightful.

The run up to their freestyle was considerably less delightful. Evan — seemingly under the impression that he was WAY behind Nicole and needed to put out something incredible — put too much pressure on himself and on Anna, causing her to have a mini-meltdown and say “it’s your freestyle, do whatever you want.” (I say that all the time myself.) They brought in a choreographer who was allegedly supposed to split the difference, but it seems like Evan won out in the end. (Anna had a bummed, “I told you so” glint in her eye during the judges’ overly harsh critiques.)

For what it’s worth, I really enjoyed their freestyle. Yes, Evan was dancing SO hard that there was a whiff of desperation emanating from this performance, but this was one of his last dances this season and he SHOULD be dancing hard. I also thought their aerials were really impressive. Carrie Ann (Stickler Ms. Stickleton) busted them for not being completely in synch in their side-to-side work. From what I saw, there were times when they weren’t supposed to be doing the same side-to-side moves (and when they did, they were perfectly together), so I didn’t think this was a fair criticism.

I still believe Evan has the biggest fan bases, and I believe the judges and the producers know this. If he had been at the top (or even in second place) heading into Tuesday, you had to like his chances to win. Now, I don’t know.

Nicole Scherzinger and Derek: Usually, “Dancing with the Stars” fans have a strong resentment for the season’s “ringer.” However, Nicole has been SO good (and not as annoying as you might expect her to be), that lately I’ve started thinking that maybe fans of the show will reward her with the championship.

Personally, I don’t get mad at ringers for being really good — it’s just that I PREFER seeing someone with little or no dance experience improve before my eyes. Still, a part of me likes having the ringers around because they can deliver performances regular non-semi-pros simply can’t.

Take Nicole’s rumba last night. Absolutely excellent and scorching hot. Usually, the rumbas on this show are sweet and dreamy, hence their status as "the bedroom dance." But as soon as Nicole came out in her red lingerie/costume, we knew we were in for something different. Boo to Carrie Ann for denying them their rightful 10 for some BS lift at the end of their stunning final pose. (If she wanted to be all lift police-y, why didn’t she mention the lift near the beginning?)

The duo had a more egregious lift-related violation during their ridiculously ambitious freestyle. The real shame of it is that they messed up what looked like a relatively easy move, robbing them of a perfect store. At least it looked like a relatively easy move when you take into account all the preceding acrobatics and the different styles they incorporated.

So what’d you think of this episode? Was Erin over scored? Was Evan underscored? Was that thing at the end of Nicole’s rumba a lift? Finally, who do you think will win tonight? (I’m sticking with Evan, now in the comeback kid role.)

John "24" Season Rankings: Worst to First

“Lost” isn’t the only long-running and beloved primetime series with a lead character named Jack that is ending this week.

In fact, the end of “24” has somewhat gotten “Lost” (sorry) in the shuffle. While “Lost” is undoubtedly a singular television achievement, “24” deserves just as much attention and credit for revolutionizing the medium and changing the way we watch TV. (And for inspiring the “Damn it!” drinking game.)

Though I’ve seen every episode of “24”, I don’t feel great about ranking my favorite episodes, since they all pretty much flow into each other.

Instead, I’ll rank the seasons, starting with the worst.

Day 6: “24” fans may not agree on much, but I think there’s a pretty strong consensus that this stink bomb was the worst this show had to offer. Jack’s father AND his brother being involved in Day 6’s major threat AND in the season 5 plot that killed President Palmer, Michelle and Tony (for the time being)? No! Wayne Palmer as President? (NO!) Jack killing Curtis? NOOOOO!!!! Jack’s sissy nephew/possible son? (You get the idea.)

The only good thing (other than when it ended) were interesting performances from Powers Boothe as Vice President (and eventual President) Daniels and Peter MacNicol (in all his Peter MacNicol-y glory) as Tom Lennox.

Day 7: The return from the dead of Tony Almeida was an exciting prospect (and Carlos Bernard gave a good performance), and President Allison Taylor was the best “good” president since David Palmer. However, the novelty of Tony’s return quickly wore off and the President Taylor storyline was unfortunately bogged down by a hopelessly stupid First Gentleman. (Although, I did like typing “First Gentleman” during my recaps.)

Though it wasn’t a terrible season, per se, it also didn’t really have enough signature “Oh my f---ing God!” moments, besides Jon Voight’s amusing over-acting. Ok, I take it back – the part where Jack tasered the phone was AWESOME! It should also be noted that this is the season we met Renee Walker, the apparent love of Jack’s life. (I liked her character, but I never bought their love connection.)

Day 8: For a while there, it seemed like the current season was going to give season 6 a run for its “Worst Season of ‘24’” money, thanks to the godawful Dana Walsh subplot (you’ll never convince me she was a mole all along) and what’s mostly been a waste of the New York City locale.

Although parts of this season have actually been MUCH worse than Day 7 (President Taylor and Jack losing their damn minds), I still give it the edge because the good parts have also been much better. (Welcome back President Logan!) Jack’s Iron Man impersonation alone was more spectacular than anything in the seventh season and one of those OMFG moments I was talking about. Depending on how it all ends, I might give this one the prize for Most Improved.

Day 2: There were plenty of things to like here: Jack decapitating a guy at the end of the first hour. A radiation-poisoned George Mason sacrificing himself and saving Jack’s life. The first assault on CTU (back when stuff like that could actually shock us). President Palmer’s poisoning in the finale. I was even a fan of the Kate Warner subplot.

So why do I have this season ranked so low? Two words: Kim…cougar. WAY too much screen time was devoted to an estranged Kim Bauer’s misadventures with an abusive father.

Day 3: This was the point in which the show ABSOLUTELY ran out of ways to keep Kim Bauer involved. (Now she’s a CTU analyst? Riiight.) I also wasn’t too wild about Jack, the heroin addict.

However, this season delivered on the OMFG moments — Jack actually murdering Ryan Chappelle! Sherry Palmer causing Alan Milliken’s death! Jack murdering Nina Meyers! Even if all that hadn’t happened, this was the season the show introduced Chloe O’Brian, and that alone gives it the nod over season 2.

Day 4: The more things change, the more they stay the same?

This was the first time “24” somewhat rebooted itself by ditching Kim as a regular and moving Jack away from CTU and into guarding Secretary of Defense James Heller (Jack would eventually get involved with his daughter, Audrey). Still, the show courted controversy by depicting a seemingly benign Middle Eastern family who turned out to be associated with terrorists.

Although this season was somewhat light on the OMFG moments, the show was reinvigorated thanks to strong supporting performances from the likes of William Devane as Secretary Heller and Arnold Vosloo as baddie Habib Marwan, one of the show’s more underrated bad guys. On top of that, this was the year we first met Charles Logan. Also, I had a big crush on Shohreh Aghdashloo’s Dina Araz.

Day 1: The day that started it all set the tone for this classic show. It also had a TERRIFIC beginning (great fakeout with Mandy being the terrorist in the plane after we were led to believe it was the guy) and an unforgettable ending (the death of Teri Bauer).

The reason I don’t give season 1 the top spot was because of some of the stuff in between. The show seemed to struggle a bit to fit some of the middle hours, even resorting to amnesia. (Never a good thing.) I also have to deduct points for Dennis Hopper’s questionable accent as bad guy Victor Drazen.

Day 5: If season 1 set the template for the show, Day 5 perfected it.

The Emmy-winning fifth season was nearly flawless all-around. It was good in the beginning (those shocking deaths), in the middle (MORE shocking deaths, like Edgar, as well as the stunning revelation that Logan wasn’t an idiot…he was EVIL) and in the end (the classic scene between Jack and Logan, where the president delivers the “You’d be Lee Harvey Oswald” speech). Kiefer Sutherland was never better, and he was never surrounded by so many rich characters, whether they were villains (Logan and Peter Weller’s Christopher Henderson) or just plain cuckoo (Jean Smart’s Martha Logan).

In fact, the only problem I had this year was that Smart and Gregory Itzin didn’t win Emmys (like Sutherland and the show did) for their work as the Logans.

So how do you rank the seasons? Will season 1 always reign supreme in your mind? Where does the current season rank? Finally, how do you want the show to end?

John's Top 10 Episodes of "Lost"

The end of “Lost” is a few days away.

In the time leading up to and after the finale, there will be countless retrospectives and analysis on the show’s final episode and on the series as a whole.

Before that din gets too deafening, I thought I’d add my two cents as to what I consider to be the very best (and in one case, the worst) of a landmark television series.

A few points before we get into it:

1.) I did my very best to include at least one episode from every single season, but the top 10 is still pretty season 1 and season-3 heavy. (For example, when I was going through the episode list, I nominated the final four episodes of season 3 for my top 10.)

2.) I tried to not have the list be dominated by (the typically-excellent) season finales. I also tried to spread the love among all the characters - but I still ended up with three “Desmond” episodes.

3.) This was REALLY hard. If you were to ask me to compile this list tomorrow, it might be different than it is now – that’s how close it is!

Let’s hand out some preliminary awards before the main event:

MOST POPULAR EPISODE I DIDN’T REALLY LIKE
The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham, season 5: Don’t get me wrong – the scene at the end where Ben kills Locke is unimpeachably FANTASTIC. The problem is everything before it was a major disappointment. This was supposed to be the episode in which we found out how Locke had come to be known as Jeremy Bentham, and how he ended up in a casket in the season 4 finale.

As with this season’s “Across the Sea”, it seems to me like the writers tried to pack two hours worth of story into one. That resulted in Locke delivering a truly pathetic pitch to get the Oceanic 6 to come back to the Island that amounted to, “Guys, you have to come back to the Island.” “Get outta here, you sad old man!” (That basically happened four times.) Also, we didn’t really learn why the castaways had started calling the man they’d always known as “John Locke”, “Jeremy Bentham” in the season 4 finale, other than to gratuitously keep the identity of the casket-dweller a secret. Just not as much fun for me as it should’ve been.

UNPOPULAR EPISODE I ACTUALLY LIKED
Exposé, season 3: Yes, we were all annoyed by Nikki and Paolo. (Or, as Sawyer called them – “Nina and Pablo.”) Fortunately, the people behind the show also seemed aware that the audience wasn’t really grooving to the two characters who were supposed to represent the underrepresented Oceanic 815 survivors that weren’t Jack and Co. So they killed them off in a fun, jaunty episode that featured one of the most creative and chilling deaths on a show that has had its share of memorable deaths.

UNPOPULAR EPISODE I DIDN’T REALLY LIKE
Stranger in a Strange Land, season 3: Aka, the episode that finally solved the (not-so) burning mystery of Jack’s tattoo. Also featured Bai Ling (ugh) and the introduction of Isabel - the Others’ sheriff - who we never saw or heard from again. Alright then.

One last bit of stalling before the top 10.

HONORABLE MENTIONS
The Economist, season 4: I REALLY wanted to include a Sayid episode in the top 10 because I think Naveen Andrews is fantastic. It was between this one or this season’s “Sundown.” I ultimately went with “The Economist” because it showed Sayid at his most suave, cold-blooded badass (assassinating people on Ben’s behalf) and at his most vulnerable (being betrayed by the woman he’d fallen for).

If Naveen Andrews has big screen aspirations (especially in action/romances), he should send this episode out to casting directors.

The Other 48 Days, season 2: “Across the Sea” was hailed as a departure because it didn’t feature any of the show’s regular characters, but to me “The Other 48 Days” (kinda) did it first and better back in season 2. This is the episode where we learned how the passengers in the tail section had spent their time on the Island, and it was really the first (and only?) time Michelle Rodriguez’s polarizing Ana Lucia was somewhat softened. (Or at least we found out why she as such a hardass on the Island.) I remember this being the first of several creative chances (in terms of storytelling) the show would take over the years.

There’s No Place Like Home/The Incident, season 4/season 5: These are excellent in their own right. I still vividly remember Sun’s anguish when she thought Jin had been blown up on the freighter in “Home”, and I recall how the first ever scene between Jacob and the Man in Black at the start of “The Incident” gave me goosebumps. (Unfortunately, both of those events have ever so slightly lost some luster given what we’ve seen in season 6.) As I said before, I didn’t want to include too many season finales in my top 10, so these two missed the cut.

Lighthouse, season 6: The scene where Jack finally bonds with his son David in the Sideways world had me crying like a little girl, so let’s move on.

Ok, you’ve waited long enough. Here’s hoping “The End” will crack this next list.

THE TOP 10

10. LaFleur, season 5: I wanted to include a Sayid episode but couldn’t. I HAD to include a Sawyer episode, and it came down to this and season 3’s “The Brig.” (Where Sawyer killed Anthony Cooper for Locke.) “The Brig” may have been Josh Holloway’s breakout as a tremendous dramatic actor, but “LaFleur” (in which he takes command of the time-travelling castaways stuck in the Dharma days) is the episode where he (temporarily) became the heart of the show. Holloway (and Elizabeth Mitchell) completely sold a Sawyer/Juliet romance that could’ve easily been a disaster, and Holloway’s face at the end of the episode (when he sees Kate) was Emmy-worthy in and of itself.

9. Happily Ever After, season 6: With a little more time and perspective, I can see this season 6 offering climbing higher. You can always count on Desmond to save the day. Not only is he the character currently and cheerfully trying to remind his Island friends of their past lives, but this is the episode that gave the TV-viewing audience renewed faith in the Sideways storytelling device. Also, any episode that directly references two other episodes in my top 10 is a shoo-in.

8. Two for the Road, season 2: This aired back before I had TiVo, so I was watching live. Characters had died on this show before, but none really at the hands of someone we’d known from the beginning and someone who we considered a good guy. Ana Lucia getting shot was bad enough – Michael turning around and shooting Libby took it to another level. (And, wait a minute, did Michael just shoot himself?! Ugh, I have to wait till next week to find out?!)

7. Flashes Before Your Eyes, season 3: We knew something was up with Desmond after turning the fail safe key and exploding the Hatch, but we didn’t know what. Turns out his consciousness had been zapped back to his time before the Island and he’d been given a second chance with Penelope. The only problem is that the cheerfully malevolent Mrs. Hawking got in Desmond’s ear about what he had to do and “course correction” and Desmond ended up back on the Island.

Looking back, Desmond’s “flashback” was a preview of sorts for this season’s flash-sideways. (He wasn’t aware of his Island life at first, but it eventually came flooding back.) On top of that, “No matter what I try to do…you’re gonna die, Charlie” is probably still my favorite ending of any episode of “Lost.”

6. The Man Behind the Curtain, season 3: You can almost never go wrong with Locke and Ben episodes because Terry O’Quinn and Michael Emerson can do no wrong on this show. “Curtain” was our first glimpse at shifty Ben’s Dharma past. (I love that the perpetual liar was outed as a fraud before the end credits even started – he hadn’t been born on the Island.)

One freaky trip to “Jacob’s” Cabin later (in retrospect, what was THAT about?!) and the episode ended with the revelation that Ben had helped murder the entire Dharma Initiative in the past, and with Ben shooting Locke and leaving him for dead in the present. I’m so happy those two are together heading into “The End.”

5. Pilot, season 1: This is where it all started. Although my girlfriend Erica was underwhelmed by this episode to the point that I had to basically BEG her to give this show a second chance (mission accomplished – she’s a big fan!), I don’t think even she could deny the sheer scope and spectacle in the J.J. Abrams-directed pilot.

This episode gave us our first taste of the Monster (which would go on to become the show’s Big Bad), but my favorite parts are the end (“Guys, where are we?”) and the beginning (the iconic shot of Jack’s eye opening in the jungle before he springs into action). Also, how cool is it that the Island’s light source is apparently near the spot where Jack was lying (and where the show began).

4. Exodus, season 1: There have been splashier, more mythologically-significant finales since the season 1 ender. However, this excellent capper to the show’s legendary first season shouldn’t be overlooked.

In the five subsequent years, the sights and sounds of this episode have stayed with me. Those nefarious Others showing up, kidnapping Walt and blowing up the raft? (“We’re gonna have to take the boy.”) Wow. Unsung “Lost” MVP Michael Giacchino’s “Parting Words” theme as Michael’s raft is launched? Chills. Jack and Locke blowing up the hatch and peering down inside only to discover…wait till next season, suckas! (It was such a good cliffhanger, that the season 2 premiere is the show’s most-watched episode – people wanted to know what the hell was in there!)

3. Walkabout, season 1: Whenever I try to convince anyone to watch “Lost”, I tell them to just watch disc 1 of the season 1 DVD to see if they like it. It’s really not fair because I have a secret weapon. “Walkabout” is the last episode on that disc and it is damn near guaranteed to get anyone hooked.

The initial John Locke showcase was the first taste we got of what a singularly fantastic Terry O’Quinn was, conveying the Island badass and the off-Island loser with equal amounts of believability. More importantly, the twist about John Locke being in a wheelchair before arriving on the Island is one of the all-time great WTF moments in TV history. (It doesn’t even feel like I’m exaggerating.)

2. The Constant, season 4: People much smarter than I am have written about the greatness of “The Constant”, so I’ll try to keep it short.

In telling the tale of Desmond’s life-threatening time/consciousness jumps, “Lost” (and maybe no other show) has never been better at mixing provocative and potentially head-scratching science with a big dose of heart without having things become either confusing or sappy. The fact that we care so much about a couple of secondary (they may even be tertiary) characters is a testament to how strong the writing and acting is on this show.

1. Through the Looking Glass, season 3: You may remember me saying earlier that it was really difficult to put this list together. Well, that’s not exactly true. This season 3 finale was ALWAYS going to be my #1.

Not only is it my favorite episode of “Lost”, it just might be my favorite episode of any television series ever. As with “The Constant”, it’s almost obnoxious how much I’ve talked about the greatness of this episode.

To summarize, I laughed (at Charlie’s taunting of his “Looking Glass” captors and at Jack’s ridiculous beard), I cried (at Charlie’s death), and my mind was blown (flashfoward?!) What more can I ask for?

So what’d you think of this list? Please feel free to tell me how wrong I am. More importantly, why don’t you tell me about your favorite episodes of “Lost.”

Iron Man 2 Review

I’m confused.

I wanted to love “Iron Man 2”, but I just didn’t and I’m not really sure why.

I SHOULD love this movie. It reunites the director and (most of the) cast of the 2008 blockbuster. (On top of that, coming into the movie I thought Don Cheadle for Terrence Howard was an upgrade!) As if that weren’t good enough, the movie actually added Oscar nominee Mickey Rourke, the consistently excellent Sam Rockwell and Scarlett Johansson in a skintight catsuit.

So to summarize, here’s what this movie had to offer: a typically excellent and charismatic performance from Robert Downey Jr., better villains, more action and boobs.

So what’s my problem?

Well, the problem is that all the stuff I just mentioned doesn’t end up amounting to a hell of a whole lot.

“Iron Man 2” picks up a short time after billionaire playboy industrialist Tony Stark (Downey) announced to the world that he was Iron Man at the end of the original film. With the help of his superpowered suit, Stark has “privatized world peace” and made the military and other weapons contractors – like burgeoning rival Justin Hammer (Rockwell) – mostly obsolete.

His armor of invincibility figuratively and literally gets a major chink with the arrival of Ivan Vanko (Rourke), a Russian genius with deadly electrical appendages and an axe to grind against the Stark family.

My fear coming into this movie was that it would feel WAY overstuffed trying to serve each of these terrific performers. To his credit, director Jon Favreau did a nice job of giving every single member of his cast his or her moment to shine. (Though I probably could’ve done with a little less of Favreau inserting himself as Stark’s bodyguard.) Unfortunately, each actor (other than Downey and probably Rockwell, who fares very well as a pathetic Stark wannabe) gets little more than a “moment” to shine.

Mickey Rourke could’ve been a great villain, but Ivan pops up in the beginning, participates in an impressive race track action sequence, and then the most we do is check in on him every once in a while before the budget-busting climactic action sequence in the end (from which he’s largely absent). Rourke makes the role interesting, but have you seen Mickey Rourke in real life?! The dude is always fascinating and just this short of crazypants. I would’ve liked to have seen his talents unleashed more than they were.

Gwyneth Paltrow returns as Stark assistant-turned company CEO Pepper Potts, but despite her natural chemistry with Downey, she has little more to do than fret about Stark and roll her eyes. Similarly, Johansson’s mysterious character is a blank slate (not in an interesting way) until she (or at least her obvious stunt double) gets to kick a little ass (and pose after every move). Cheadle takes over the mostly thankless role of Stark’s best friend Rhodey, but doesn’t really add anything to the proceedings besides he scores a few laughs when he finally joins in on the action toward the end.

I hate to sound like I’m complaining so much because the movie really is pretty good. Downey alone – conveying Stark’s hubris and newfound vulnerability equally well – is worth the price of admission. To be honest, I didn’t at all understand the science behind a key plot point, but Downey made it interesting to watch.

Then again, the movie’s biggest problem (other than the missing sense of wonder from the original flick – how cool was it when he flew for the first time?) is that it never really feels like anything matters.

I get that the world of Favreau’s “Iron Man” is NOT the world of Christopher Nolan’s “Dark Knight” (where girlfriends can get blown up), but there are so many different actors and characters to serve in “Iron Man 2” that writer Justin Theroux doesn’t really come up with a storyline compelling enough to tie them all together.

In fact, another problem is that Theroux seems more concerned with setting up events for future films (witness Samuel L. Jackson’s jokey extended cameo as S.H.I.E.L.D. leader Nick Fury, and the scene at the end of the credits). Also, the fight between Iron Man and War Machine at Stark's house is absurd, but comes just sort of joining the pantheon of Laughably Bad Comic Book Movie Sequences (where the jazz club scene from "Spider Man 3" and the playground fight in "Daredevil" live).

Still, “Iron Man 2” is strong, if unspectacular summer entertainment. You’ll enjoy it well enough while you’re watching it, but you probably will have forgotten about it by the time you get home.

Iron Man 2…B-

Lost: Fireside Chat

I wasn’t very kind to last week’s episode of “Lost”, which basically gave our beloved castaways the week off and gave us the story of Jacob, the Man in Black and the origin of questionable parenting on this show.

Don’t get me wrong – I wasn’t mad at the show for taking a risk (if I were, then I’ve been watching the wrong show all these years). In fact, having seen last night’s episode, “What They Died For”, I’m not even mad that “Lost” decided to hit the reset button so late in the game last week. What we saw in “Across the Sea” shed new (campfire) light on Jacob’s motivations and his reasons for bringing the castaways to the Island. (For the record, the main reasons I didn’t like “Across the Sea” was because it was poorly staged, questionably acted and included mediocre acting from performers I KNOW can do better.)

Either way, it was good to have the old gang back on out TV again (maybe I DID secretly resent “Across the Sea” for benching our favorite characters after all), including Ben, who we hadn’t seen in a month (or at least it felt that way).

More importantly, whereas “Across the Sea” left me dissatisfied and worried about the show’s impending finale (that it wouldn’t deliver), “What They Died For” re-invigorated me. I’m going to be very sad when this show is gone, but I’m ABSOLUTELY excited for “The End” this Sunday.

“What They Died For” had everything. Shocking deaths (and shocking “maybe deaths” – unlike with Lapidus, I’m optimistic that Richard is still alive somewhere), answers, (Jacob’s fireside revelations to his Candidates) equally compelling action on AND off the Island and Michelle Rodriguez (who is infinitely more fun in these cheeky little cameos than she was in all of season 2).

The hour began with the wounded submarine survivors (Jack, Kate, Hurley and Sawyer) solemnly declaring their mission – they have to kill Locke. Thus far, I don’t think we’re meant to have any idea how the candidates are supposed to do that. I can only use fuzzy logic to guess. For example, I’m guessing since the Man in Black knew how to kill Jacob, that Jacob knows how to kill the Man in Black. I’m also guessing that since Jack is now the new Island guardian that he knows what Jacob knows, including how to kill the Man in Black.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. On their way to find Desmond, Hurley was intercepted by the young version of Jacob, who grabbed the Jacob ashes Ilana had gathered and proceeded to burn them. (Not really sure why the young version of Jacob had to do this, but whatever.) This action apparently allowed the Mark Pellegrino version of Jacob to appear to all the castaways (I loved the moment with Hurley describing where he was, despite the fact that everyone could see him now) and explain what they had to do.

Jacob explained that he brought them to the Island to basically clean up his mess (turning his brother into the Smoke Monster) and to protect the Island’s light. Sawyer bristled that Jacob didn’t have any right messing up their lives, but Jacob countered that their lives were already messed up. (I’m paraphrasing here – he actually said their lives were all “flawed” and “lonely.”) This was a good point, but I half expected Kate to back Sawyer up or Sawyer to put up a stronger defense, but we only have one episode left, so things need to keep moving. Jacob also needed someone to willingly step up and take their place as Island Guardian (a choice Jacob never received from his mother).

Jack stepped up because it was his destiny and everything we’ve seen from Jack this year (his gradual enlightenment) points that way, but something still felt…off. It FEELS like Jack should be the rightful candidate, but I can’t shake the nagging feeling that he won’t be by the end of the series. More amusing were Sawyer’s (“And I thought he had a God complex before”) and Hurley’s reaction (relieved that it wasn’t him). Kate was even able to throw her hat back in the guardian ring, despite the fact that her name had been crossed off the cave wall. (I wouldn’t be shocked if she ends up being the Island Guardian when all is said and done.)

Speaking of amusing, I kind of wish there’s been a way to give Miles more to do this final season. As we caught up with Miles, Ben and Richard arriving at the Others’ barracks, the guy unleashed two of the season’s best lines. He pulled rank on Ben’s occupancy of the barracks by saying, “I lived in these houses 30 years ago – otherwise known as last week.” Later, when they were in Ben’s house to retrieve the C-4, he asked Ben if his Smoke Monster summoning chamber was his “secret-er room.”

Ben ran into his old nemesis Charles Widmore (and viewer nemesis Zoe) and the tension between them was palpable. As if there weren’t enough badasses in the room, word came that Anti-Locke was approaching. Ben told the others to flee through his secret compartment, but Richard decided to stay and confront Anti-Locke, for some ridiculous reason. (Smoke-slam!)

That left the door open for Ben and Anti-Locke to have a conversation on Ben’s porch. Anti-Locke unsheathed his knife and appeared to do everything in his power to intimidate Ben into killing the rest of the candidates. First, Anti-Locke asked Ben where Widmore was and Ben told him. (Why didn’t Charles and Zoe run out into the jungle?) Anti-Locke slit Zoe’s throat after Widmore chided her for speaking out of turn (and the crowd went wild!) and he eventually got Widmore to tell him the reason he’d come back – Jacob had recruited him to bring Desmond back to the Island as a fail safe of sorts. (If you recall, “Desmond” and “fail safe” are no strangers – Des turned the fail safe key at the end of season 2 that temporarily saved the Island/world.)

Widmore was telling Anti-Locke more (after the Monster promised to spare Penny’s life), but Ben gunned him down in a gesture that served two purposes, in my opinion. 1.) He’s obviously been wanting to kill Widmore for a long time (revenge for Alex, who we learned was buried just outside). 2.) It proved to Anti-Locke that Ben was back in “amoral killer” mode.

I don’t buy it. More accurately, I don’t want to buy it. I WANT to believe that Ben is playing Anti-Locke to get close to him and figure out a way to bring him down. I WANT to believe that Ben’s redemption from earlier this year was real. Whatever the case, I’m ecstatic that Michael Emerson and Terry O’Quinn are together heading into the final episode. (I wouldn’t have it any other way.)

As for the Sideways world, things are starting to come together in exciting (if not mind-bogglingly contrived) ways. It is now clear to me that Sideways Desmond is operating with some sort of working knowledge of the future. (He’s also operating as a total debonair badass.)

When he was sitting behind the wheel of his car observing Locke, I actually thought he was going to try to hit him again. Instead, he was confronted by Ben, who Des pummeled into a pulp (Ben can’t go more than seven episodes without getting his ass beaten). He also seems to have pummeled some memory of his Island life back into him.

Ben’s injuries led to him being taken in by his favorite student Alex, and her mom Danielle Rosseau (cleaning up quite nicely). I’m not sure how I feel about a potential romance between Ben and Rosseau (kinda ick, actually). I’m more intrigued by what would happen if ALL of Ben’s Island memories return to him in the Sideways world and he realized that Danielle wasn’t the only one who did a little “kidnapping.”

Before Des beat Ben, he expressed to him that he was trying to help Locke let go. Locke got that message and he also got the message that Jack received during “The Candidate” – that all their chance meetings could not be coincidence (although Jack DID unleash the classic, “Don’t mistake coincidence for faith” line). Locke agreed to have the surgery.

Then there’s Desmond, smoothly moving from one castaway to another yet never forcefully trying to coax Island recall out of them. (At least not as forcefully as he did with Locke or Ben.) The smile when he turned himself in to Sawyer and was placed in a cell with Sayid (and next to Kate) was priceless.

With a little assist from (a FULLY enlightened) Hurley, Des busted Sayid and Kate out. Des told Kate they were going to a concert. Maybe it'll be the same concert David made Jack promise not to miss.

So what’d you think of this episode? Who helped Desmond out of the well? (It couldn’t have been Sayid, because Sayid told Jack that Des was still in the well before he blew himself up.) What was inside those cases in Widmore’s outrigger? Sideways Juliet is totally David’s mom, right? Finally, how DO you kill a Smoke Monster? (Do you use a Scotsman or a spinal surgeon?)

American Idol: Three's a Crowd

Maybe it’s my own fault.

Maybe I’ve mentally and emotionally checked out of this season of “American Idol” to the point that it’s simply not possible for me to enjoy any episode this season.

This wouldn’t be the first time this has happened with one of my favored shows. It wouldn’t even be the first time it’s happened lately. For example, things were pretty touch-and-go for a while in the eighth (and final) season of “24”, before a whiplash-like turnaround in excitement and quality (if not believability). More shockingly, the latest cycle of “America’s Top Model” was absolutely horrendous, yet somehow managed to produce a season finale that was shockingly compelling.

Who knows? Maybe next week’s “Idol” finale will produce a similar turnaround and absolutely blow all our minds. However, I just don’t see it. A year or two from now, I just can’t imagine skimming YouTube (or whatever we’ll be using by that time) for clips of “American Idol” season 9 performances. (And, no — “Pants on the Ground” does NOT count!)

What I’m taking a really long time to say is that I do NOT approve of a season where Lee DeWyze is the apparent front-runner/inevitable winner.

No offense to the guy, who I’ve been assured (by Simon) is a “fantastic singer and a great person.” (Huh?!) I also hate to hate on Lee because he was the undisputable star of Top 3 week. (Although with the pimp slot and elaborate production numbers featuring gospel choirs, it was kinda hard NOT to be.)

Lee very well may be the best this season has to offer. The problem is that calling oneself “American Idol Season 9 champion” is akin to being the tallest guy at a midget convention. (There’s a Ryan Seacrest joke in there somewhere.)

Although his vocals have been somewhat up and down all season (and his stage presence has mostly been down) Lee actually delivered on both fronts last night in each performance.

His “Simple Man” was a terrific choice for him (Lee’s underrated skill — “Kiss from a Rose” notwithstanding — has been picking songs that he likes and are good for his voice) and he sang it pretty well. I wouldn’t call it a wow, but it was a solid B+.

However, his performance of “Hallelujah” (which Simon handpicked for him) was destined to be wildly overhyped from the beginning. The judges have been straining to create a capital-M “Moment” this season, and it all (not really) came together in this performance. The beatific horn was there. The dramatic lighting was there. The gospel choir was there (and partly drowning Lee out). The only thing missing was an angel descending from atop the stage and releasing a dove with Lee’s 866-number tied to its tiny talon. All kidding aside, it would’ve been nice to see at least one of the judges take a break from basking in Lee’s glow and point out that he totally pulled out early on that last note.

That being said, Lee WAS the clear winner of the night. I just think that says more about his competition than it does about Lee.

Crystal picked “Come to My Window”, and at first I thought that was a strong choice. That was before I realized Crystal wouldn’t really be bringing anything new to the arrangement besides unnecessarily changing up the melody. (Stripping it down to its acoustic bones, as Kara suggested, would’ve been better.) Hands down the most disappointing performance of the evening.

Fortunately, she somewhat redeemed herself with her performance of “Maybe I’m Amazed”, which was selected by Ellen DeGeneres. It was nice to see her ditch the guitar and it was REALLY good to see her deliver a thoroughly ferocious vocal. However, the way she meandered from one part of the stage to the area behind the judges’ table was Katie Stevens-esque. I also have no idea why she decided to dress up as some sort of post-apocalyptic goth to sing the Paul McCartney ditty.

Finally, there’s Casey “Shoot Me Now” James. The guy seemed barely ready to start singing when Ryan threw it to him during the evening’s first performance, a cover of Eric Hutchinson’s “Ok, It’s Alright With Me.” It was a cool song choice from the Cool, Texas native, but it couldn’t possibly help Casey deliver the earth-shattering performance he needed to usurp Crystal or Lee for a spot in the finals. (Then again, it’s been established that Casey isn’t really trying anymore, so it doesn’t matter.)

After that, he took on John Mayer’s “Daughters” because, apparently, Randy and Kara think he should only target female listeners. (I don’t have the music industry cred those two do, but is it really smart to chop your potential audience in half like that?!) Casey’s vocal started out a bit rough (par for the course), but he recovered enough to deliver a decent vocal. Unfortunately, his guitar playing once again overshadowed his voice. I mean, as Simon pointed out, that song’s climax is a guitar solo. I also don’t know that Casey should even go the John Mayer route — he seems like an older (musical) soul than that.

While Casey is almost certainly done on “Idol” this year, but he’d be a shoo-in for the finals of “Guitar Hero Idol.”

So what’d you think of this episode? Did you enjoy the contestants or the judges’ choices more? What would happen if Casey James makes it to next week? Finally, is Lee the front-runner in your mind? (And does he WANT to be the front-runner, given that the front-runner the last few years has lost.)

24: The Man in the Iron Mask

Last week, I lightly chided “24” for hedging its bets.

The writers seemed to want us to believe that Jack was TOTALLY out of control, yet they still mostly had enough of his wits about him to execute complicated plans and outsmart every single person around him. (Not too hard to do since everyone else on this show besides Chloe is an idiot.)

This week, I have to give the show for taking a side — they decided to have Jack go ABSOLUTELY bananas and I loved it!

In fact, why don’t we stop messing around and talk about the scene we all want to discuss? How amazing/ridiculous was it seeing Jack donning his own version of an “Iron Man” costume (complete with an incredibly intimidating mask) and unleashing hell in a New York City tunnel on his way to kidnapping Charles Logan.

Now Logan was really the key. Seeing Kiefer Sutherland’s (stunt double’s) rampage would’ve been incredible enough on its own, but the thing that really pushed this sequence to “all-time great” heights was the cowardly Charles Logan whimpering and squealing in the backseat of his Secret Service car. (Particularly satisfying, since Logan had been at his slimy/cocky peak after getting a shout-out from the White House Press Secretary for his role in the peace agreement AND once again playing President Taylor like an increasingly useless fiddle by convincing her to basically wipe her ass with the Constitution.)

I could honestly write my entire recap about this scene. (Don’t tempt me!) If you recall, Jack had retrieved Russian assassin Pavel’s SIM card from the dead man’s stomach and dialed President Logan’s number. With Ricker’s reluctant help, Jack got the location of Logan’s Secret Service detail. Logan, meanwhile, had just finished assuring Russian baddie Novakovich that everything would be fine, despite the fact that Jack had jus filleted his man Pavel. This all led to the assault in the tunnel.

You know what I liked best about Logan’s panicked, “That’s gotta be Jack Bauer…he’s coming after me…closer the door…kill him!” hysterics? (I mean, besides the fact that it was hilarious.) My favorite thing is that it was absolutely realistic. Now, “realistic” is not a word that is tossed around to describe “24” very often, and it certainly doesn’t describe this particular sequence. However, Logan’s terror at this Jason Vorhees/Terminator-like entity coming at him felt absolutely real.

It was so good that it couldn’t help overshadowing their actual face off a few minutes later in which the spooked Logan was all too willing to spill the beans about Novakovich’s and the Russian’s involvement and the fact that he was only part of the cover-up (not the actual plot). In an apparent show of mercy, Jack merely incapacitated Logan and went on his way to find the Russians.

What followed was a “shoot first, ask questions never” rampage that resulted in Novakovich being impaled with a poker (I think having this done off-screen was smart and chilling given the insanity we’d just witnessed.) However, Novakovich wasn’t the only guy who got stabbed. Random Russian Security Guard #3 snuck up on Jack and stabbed him in the stomach.

That left Jack a bleeding, wounded animal as he prepares to take on Yuri (the man behind Novakovich), who is appropriately wary of wounded animals. Turns out Jack had planted a microphone on Logan during their confrontation and he heard Logan’s conversation with Yuri. (Even when he’s in killing machine mode, Jack is still the smartest guy in the room.)

The question now becomes whether Jack will be able to exact his revenge on Yuri before he bleeds out, ala a wounded Maximus killing Commodus at the end of “Gladiator.” (I’m betting yes.)

Then again, there’s always option C: maybe Chloe and Cole will reach Jack and somehow bring him in peacefully. (Nah!)

True confessions time: Was I the only one who thought, “Tony!” when Chloe was talking about there being only one agent who could help Jack at this point. I realize Tony Almeida wouldn’t make sense (unless he happened to be hanging out in Central Park), but my mind still went there. When it was revealed that Chloe was actually talking about Cole, I heard the “Price Is Right” sad tuba music in my head.

So what’d you think of this episode? Why does Ricker bother to act all reluctant if he’s going to help Jack anyway? Could President Taylor get any dumber? Couldn’t Meredith have stashed that incriminating video file in a better place? (At least now the Hassans will know what's really going on.) Finally, what are your predictions for the finale?

Dancing with the Stars: Perfect Paso

The worst anybody did on the semifinal episode of “Dancing with the Stars” was “pretty damn good” (hi, Chad), so what more can you ask for?

Conventional wisdom has Nicole and Evan as virtual locks for the finale, and slightly less conventional wisdom has Erin as somewhat of a lock for the third spot. However, I have to give Chad credit for coming out and making the race for that third spot at least a little bit of a question mark. (I mean, he came in fourth in the judges’ leader board last night, but still…)

Enough chatter about next week’s finale. Let’s talk about last night’s semifinal, which featured some truly EXCELLENT dancing as each of the celebs took on a ballroom and Latin dance. Here’s how they did, in order of appearance:

Erin Andrews and Maks: Except for some slightly clunky footwork and a mild stumble, Erin’s show-opening Viennese waltz was absolutely lovely. However, all of that was overshadowed by two words: WALTZ PANTS. I mean…wow. As if that wasn’t crazy enough, Bruno raised his 10 paddle, despite the fact that he’d actually given the dance a 9. (We all knew he hadn’t REALLY given the dance a 10 because he didn’t triumphantly pump his fist in the air when he announced the score, as is his custom.)

After a profile (Tampa’s in the house!) that mentioned Erin’s stalker (I thought it was weird that they waited until NOW to mention that nasty business) and featured her dad Steve Andrews (I’d JUST seen his work during a News Channel 8 presentation on Monday morning), Erin performed a paso doble that was leg-tastic and thoroughly over scored. (10’s — really?!) Erin’s solo work was actually terrific, but there was too much of side-by-side action in my opinion, which meant she wasn’t connected (literally) to Maks for most of the dance.

All that being said, she did more than enough to earn a spot in the finals. Whether she has the fanbase (or a fanbase bigger than Chad’s) to get her there, is another question.

Nicole Scherzinger and Derek: Ok, so a few weeks ago I balked at Carrie Ann’s claim that Nicole was the best dancer this show had ever seen. After seeing her and Derek’s Argentine tango, Carrie Ann’s statement looks considerably less ludicrous.

Not only did Nicole match an ailing Derek move-for-move (his neck was injured throughout rehearsal), but the dance was a hot, spectacular show-stopper. Their lifts, in particular, were simultaneously fierce yet executed so expertly that it looked as if Nicole didn’t weigh a thing.

I was only slightly less impressed with Nicole’s purple, Prince-inspired cha cha cha. I actually felt a bit like Len in that I didn’t feel like the dance delivered enough actual cha cha cha. On the other hand, there was plenty of chair dancing — (c)Hairography?! Still, it was all worth it just so I could spy Bruno’s absolutely delighted reaction to the end of this routine. When Derek spanked Nicole’s butt and then turned her around into a dip, Bruno threw his hands up as if he couldn’t believe that had just happened. Watching someone having as much fun as Bruno is fun for all of us!

Chad Ochocinco and Cheryl: I felt like I almost heard an audible gulp from Chad when the camera panned to him after Nicole’s perfect Argentine tango, as if to say, “I have to follow THAT?!”

To his credit, Chad delivered two of his best dances of the season. He started with a waltz that featured his best posture of the season and a likely makeout session at the end of the routine. After that, I think I actually liked his samba more than the judges did. Bruno was right to point out that the party atmosphere was missing, but I thought his technique (save for his semi-tragic solo) was underrated.

Chad REALLY needed to outperform Erin to legitimately earn a spot in next week’s finals. Viewer votes might still get him there, but if that happens, he’ll be looked at as the most questionable finalist since Marie Osmond (or maybe Kelly Osbourne).

Evan Lysacek (pictured, left) and Anna: Apparently Evan is a very serious guy, but nothing makes him happier than pictures of his nephew on his phone (well, that and coffee).

I don’t know whether he was genuinely happy or faking it, but his foxtrot was an absolute delight that I might’ve awarded with a 30. (If anything, it was a bit TOO smiley, threatening to spill over into creepy territory.)

That all turned out to be a prelude to his Evanescence-flavored paso doble with Anna, one of the best dances of the season/the history of the show. I LOVED everything about it. I LOVED the power, the attitude, the technique, the solo (the best of the evening), the killing of Anna at the end. Just FANTASTIC.

Evan ended the night tied with Nicole atop the leader board. If they were to face off in the finals, it would probably make for the most technically spectacular final in the show’s run.

So what’d you think of this episode? Were you as mesmerized by the waltz pants? (I’m kinda digging it.) Whose perfect 30 dance was better — Nicole’s Argentine tango or Evan’s paso doble? (Don’t make me choose!) Finally, is there any way Chad sneaks into the finals?

The Celebrity Apprentice: Tea Time

I’ve been a very bad “Celebrity Apprentice” recapper.

I fell behind by one week for a while, but I’m caught up now. Before I get to Sunday night’s episode — featuring two former “Apprentice” winners, Snapple, and an Australian taking a crap in someone else’s bathroom — let me just give you my quick thoughts on the past two weeks:

- Rod Blagojevich and Cyndi Lauper were goofy fun. Sharon Osbourne was goofy and profane fun. (What WAS up with that mini strip tease yesterday?!) However, Bret Michaels is UNQUESTIONABLY this season’s MVP. From the ridiculous (the “70’s porn” soundtrack, and the “controversial” crack about plumber’s crack in the live radio spot) to the serious (those terrific panoramic pictures he took of NYC and the way he calmly and firmly defends himself in the boardroom), the guy has delivered on every level. Not exactly a big shocker his more entertaining squad pulled out the win in the radio spot challenge.

- I need to check out HBO’s “John Adams.” It comes highly-recommended from Cyndi Lauper. (By the way, she was right — people associate Ben Franklin with electricity, not plumbing!)

- Did Eric Trump’s debut/guest appearance rattle Donald Trump Jr., who blanked out when describing the apartment renovation challenge? (They could’ve easily edited that out.) I don’t know why, but I like to imagine that there’s now a rivalry between those two.

- Can’t say what I enjoyed more — making fun of how boring the two Clockwork Home Services execs were or saying “LeFrak” during the apartment episode. (Ok, it’s definitely “LeFrak.”)

- Don’t make Cyndi Lauper angry - you wouldn’t like her when she’s angry. Can’t say I blame her. I was a bit flabbergasted when Trump gave credit to Holly (and Holly accepted credit) for Cyndi’s celebrity room, when all Holly did was say she wanted something with “red.”

- I don’t remember a more random character assassination (Sharon and Maria’s assault on smug Curtis) OR a faster turnaround after Curtis won them over. (Although Maria still held a secret grudge.)

And that’s as good a spot as any to start talking about last night’s episode.

The evening began with the five remaining celebrities getting called back into the boardroom and Trump announcing that he was going to fire one of them immediately.

Before he even started asking them the standard “why should you stay?” question, we all knew Maria was going home. Or, at least, I knew Maria was going home because she was the least famous person there. In an apparent bid to make Trump’s decision even easier, she immaturely interrupted Curtis when he was speaking, and explained that the reason she didn’t care for the smug Aussie was because he’d come into her restroom and taken a dump. (And here I thought the reason she didn’t like Curtis was because he’d gotten upset when she snuck into Team Tenacity’s room and stole some pizza.)

Trump (and most of America) seemed generally grossed out and put off by this revelation, so Maria was sent packing.

The final four faced reigning “Celebrity Apprentice” Joan Rivers (Team Annie 4-EVAH!) and original “Apprentice” Bill Rancic for a round of job interviews, followed by Trump willowing the field down to a final two.

Although there were four participants in the running toward becoming America’s Next Top Celebrity Apprentice, only three had a realistic chance. It was clear that Curtis would be fired even before he unenthusiastically regurgitated his “I’m a leader” mantra. (Oh well, at least he got to butcher plenty of copy as the co-host of the 2010 Miss USA pageant.)

After that, it got considerably trickier. From what we saw, Bret had been the most impressive during the interviews, articulately and strongly arguing his merit without going over the top and telling Joan Rivers not to mistake kindness for weakness. Add to that the appropriate amount of star power and a spotless record as project manager and he was a shoo-in.

The other spot was a lot closer. I picked Sharon to win this season because of her combination of star power, fund-raising ability and reality shot entertainment value. Although Holly is a LOT less fun to watch and not nearly as famous, she had wiped the floor with Sharon earlier this season in terms of fundraising. However, the thing that REALLY did Sharon in was her repeated crying jags and the fact that she let her emotion and guilt about not doing enough for her charity overwhelm her. Most tellingly, she said that she didn’t know if she’d WANT to beat Holly if it came down to the two of them. We all know Trump hates any sort of displays of weakness, so he fired Sharon.

I would’ve loved to see a Bret/Sharon finale, but the more I think about it, the more I like the idea of Bret vs. Holly. If for no other reason, it gives me someone to DEFINITELY root for. (Sorry, Holly — you’re just too much of a pill.)

Before the end of last night, we saw the first half of the final challenge, which had Bret and Holly creating a new flavor of Snapple Iced Tea, along with preparing a commercial, a print ad and a fancy pants presentation. Holly was given Curtis and Maria as helpers, while Bret got assistance from Daryl (waking up from the nap he always seemed on the verge of taking) and Summer, aka Holly’s BFF.

So far, things are stacked in Holly’s favor (almost to a ridiculous degree). She had Curtis represent her in the negotiations for flavor and the smug Aussie (I think I’ll just call him that from now on) absolutely wiped the floor with Nice Guy Bret after the two butted heads over Passion Fruit. Holly ended up creating her Passion Berry drink (Passion fruit + strawberry), while Bret went with a vanilla/cinnamon Tropirocka, after his diabetic-friendly pear and nutmeg drink was met with a resounding thumbs down. (Shocker!)

On top of that, Bret couldn’t get his freakin’ dolly track to shoot his commercial. Indeed, things are not looking good at all for Bret, but I’m not buying it. I’m guessing that dolly track will turn up at the start of next week’s season finale and all will be fine.

More than that, I simply can’t imagine a scenario that involves Bret Michaels making his first live TV appearance after his recent brush with death – only to be “fired” by Donald Trump. I don’t think anyone would call Trump a sentimentalist, but the man is a showman. What could possibly make for a better show than crowning Bret Michaels (back from near death AND a completely worthy winner) as “The Celebrity Apprentice.”

So what’d you think of this episode? What are Cyndi’s thoughts on HBO’s “The Pacific”? Could the final two teams be more random? (I mean, Daryl?! Why?!?!) Why are Curtis and Mario so super-jerky now? Who will stick up for the gays now that Cyndi is gone? Finally, who do you think will win next week?

(NOTE: I apologize in advance because I will NOT have my "Celebrity Apprentice" recap up on Monday. You see, next Sunday is the series finale of "Lost", and there's no way I'm not watching that live.)

America's Next Top Recap: And the Winner Is...

I’ve made no secret about my feelings regarding this cycle of “America’s Next Top Model.”

At best, it’s been uninspiring and perplexing. (What WAS the deal with Tyra’s jumpsuits?!) At worst, it’s been downright horrible and unpleasant. (Hi, Angelea…and Anslee…and Alasia, at times…)

That’s why I was so surprised by how much I enjoyed the final two episodes. Sure, part of that was the fact that Angelea was gone for half the time, but I also have to give the producers credit — we somehow ended up with a shockingly decent final 2/4!

The evening started with a visit from ALT (because Tyra doesn’t visit the girls at the house anymore), who brought the girl (real) flowers (pictured, left) and tales about being Andy Warhol’s intern. I’m guessing he wasn’t purchasing his patented voluminous robes on his $50/week budget.

From there, the girls boarded a flight to Queensland which doubled as an impromptu runway challenge. Yes, this was thoroughly ridiculous, but I’ve seen crazier circumstances in actual runway shows (swinging, pendulums, walking on stilts), so it seemed like a relatively legit challenge.

The party line throughout the episode was that everyone was tired of Krista’s domination. Perhaps someone should’ve taken this opportunity to step up and actually beat her.

Alexandra’s walk was fun, but stopped, started and went on too long. Raina walks like a linebacker and Angelea didn’t take the challenge seriously. (How dare she not take anything on this show 100% seriously?!) That means Krista won again! She’s won so much that she’s begun to double up on pieces of jewelry from the reward challenges. Yes, it probably would’ve been a cool move of her to share some stuff with her competitors (or at least her buddy Alexandra). However, it would’ve been even cooler if someone else had raised her game and beat Krista, instead of jealously and aggressively hinting for a hand-out.

The theme for the week’s photo shoot (which would have a double elimination) was “ugly pretty.” The girls were supposed to uglify themselves in a way that still made them look pretty.

I thought Krista (shocker!) and Raina did the best job (they had strong, masculine photos, which was good because, let’s face it — most guys are ugly). Alexandra wasn’t too far behind, although her hand placement was more interesting than her facial expression.

Finally, ALT and the judges semi-raved about Angelea’s photo for no good reason. I mean, did no one see or care about the fact that it was out of focus? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!!

After a lengthy discussion about “ugly pretty” (we’re still not really sure what that means) and Angelea’s mental health if she were to be cut at this time, Angelea was sent packing. I wish I could say I was going to miss her, but I was thoroughly delighted when she was eliminated. I seriously had an involuntary smile on my face. I hated her.

Since Krista was a shoo-in for the final (and the victory) the real drama was between Raina and Alexandra vying for second place…I mean a spot in the finals. In the end, Raina’s stronger overall performance throughout the competition (and stronger face) won out over Alexandra, who was praised for her pretty face, great body, but not for her modeling. Oh well, at least the camera got to leer up and down her body a few times during panel. (That’s what she gets for wearing those shorts.)

It was pretty obvious that Krista would win. However, the only chance Raina — who apparently gave up a lucrative volleyball career for this opportunity — had to win was by completely dominating the Cover Girl print ad/commercial challenge.

Raina just couldn’t do it. Although in my mind, her lovely Cover Girl photo totally blew away Krista’s (who looked both a bit sad and angry), the commercial was pretty much a wash. In fact, Krista seemed more at ease and natural, even though she had to resort to the dreaded cue cards. In an unfortunate turn of events, Raina looked squinty throughout her entire commercial, which is too bad when you’re selling eye makeup. It also looked like she was straining to read cue cards — even though she didn’t require them the way Krista did.

After swinging by a Seventeen Magazine photo shoot (Raina looked about 10 years younger than Krista), it was time for the Anna Sui runway show. Apparently, Sui wanted the models (including last season’s winner Nicole and the model-testants who’d made the trip to New Zealand, including [shudder] Angelea) to have happy, upbeat walks and the finalists mostly delivered.

Raina was once again derided for her stompy walk. I don’t think “over-the-top” is the worst thing in the world in a runway show. Still, it DID pale in comparison with Krista’s airy, more sophisticated walk, which she modified to be upbeat without going over the top.

It was time for panel, which means Tyra graces us with her craziest jumpsuit yet. This one featured a purple rectangle just underneath her chin. It was so weird that I barely noticed that Raina’s skirt gave her a tail.

Anyway, the judges deliberated, but it was always going to be Krista, who, despite taking her worst photo during the Cover Girl ad, dominated the second half of the competition and deserved to win. To her credit, Raina took the loss well…probably better than Krista would have. Then again, Krista was never going to lose, so it’s a moot point.

So what’d you think of this episode? Where those passengers on the plane to Queensland regular people or “Top Model” staffers? (If they were citizens, they must’ve been REALLY confused.) How adorable were Krista’s mom and stepdad? (Raina’s dad could’ve gotten a bit more into it.) Finally, do you think this show could ever be really good again, or should it just wrap things up?

Lost: Mommy Issues

I’m afraid that we keep letting our imaginations get the best of us when it comes to this final season of “Lost.”

It happened for many (including me — a little) before “Ab Aeterno.” Before we actually saw Richard Alpert’s origins, we all let our imaginations run wild about how maybe the character was thousands of years old or an Egyptian god or any other manner of craziness. Instead, Richard’s back story rather straight-forwardly revealed how he came to the Island and that he was a measly 175-ish years old.

It DEFINITELY happened going into “Across the Sea”, which promised to unveil the origins of Jacob and the (still infuriatingly unnamed) Man in Black.

We had these two as Yin and Yang, God and the Devil, the personification of good and evil, etc. A part of me dug the notion that they were no different from our beloved castaways — Jacob and MIB have messed up parents…just like us! — but a bigger part of me was disappointed by this outing.

It got off to such a promising start with Latin-speaking and very pregnant castaway Claudia washing up on the Island a VERY long time ago and being brutally murdered by an unnamed MIB (Mom in Black, played by the reliably-excellent Allison Janney). Claudia had just delivered twins. She’d picked out the name Jacob for the one wrapped in the black blanket, but the unexpected second baby went nameless.

If this is the show’s way of telling us that the Man in Black shall remain nameless, I call BS. I understand that Claudia hadn’t picked out a name for him, but Jacob and his unnamed mom must’ve called him SOMETHING throughout all those years. (The lack of name is a little easier to digest with Mom in Black because her boys can just call her “mom.”) I mean, did they just say “Hey you” whenever they needed him? I know I sound like I’m ranting, but this was all extra annoying when you consider that writers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse seemed to go out of their way to have someone say Jacob’s name every 20 seconds.

Bad form! This was as annoying as the season 4 finale, “There’s No Place Like Home”, where all the Oceanic 6 referred to dead Locke as “Jeremy Bentham” for no other reason than to keep his identity secret from viewers. (When it was revealed that Bentham = Locke, they went right back to calling him “Locke.) No, I still haven’t let that go.

More than my tedious issues with name-calling aside, my biggest problem with this episode is that the term I would use to describe it is a term I have never, EVER associated with “Lost.” I thought this episode was dumbed-down. (At least, “Ab Aeterno” had an epic love story to carry the day.)

I thought they tried to pack about two-hours worth of story into one. I thought the revelation that the secret of the Island (and the world?) is that it’s home to some sort of cheesy, illuminated Cave of Wonders was pretty disappointing. I thought that having Jacob ALWAYS wearing white and MIB ALWAYS wearing black was over-the-top. (What are they? Animated characters?) I loved that the show took a risk by not featuring any of its regular characters, but it probably wasn’t a good idea to make a couple of child actors carry the first half of the episode. (Especially when Mark Pellegrino and Titus Welliver have been SO good as Jacob and MIB, respectively.)

Oh well, at least we now know that little boy haunting Anti-Locke in the jungle was Jacob.

I know I’m coming off as cranky and probably too harsh, but all I know is that at 9:55 p.m. Eastern Standard time, all I was thinking was, “This is it? Is there going to be some mind-blowing twist in the end? Should I get a jump on DVR’d ‘Glee?’”

Don’t get me wrong, there were some things to like in the hour. We got some of those answers viewers are always hankering for. The story revealed that Mom in Black was the Island’s protector and obsessed with shielding her boys (especially the black kid) from the outside world and other humans. As adults, Jacob stayed with his mom, while the MIB joined a band of humans who stumbled onto the Island’s light source (the original Dharma Initiative?) and MIB’s ticket “home.”

Since the Island Protector job seems to come with knowledge of the future, I wonder if Mom in Black getting killed by her “son” was her plan all along. (She DID whisper, “Thank you” as she died.) I wouldn’t be surprised if her plan all along had been to raise Jacob to be her replacement as Island Protector and raise MIB to kill/liberate her.

But I believe I mentioned answers being given out in this episode. However, in classic “Lost” tradition, these answers lead to even more questions.

We found out who the Adam & Eve skeletons were. They weren’t Sun and Jin or Bernard and Rose (those active imaginations again). It was MIB’s mortal body laid to rest along with his mom’s by Jacob.

The reason this was slightly confusing (to me) is because minutes earlier we’d apparently seen the Man in Black become the Smoke Monster.

After murdering their mom, MIB was thrown by Jacob on the creek leading up the Cave of Wonders and seemingly killed when he hit his head on a rock. His body floated into the cave and out emerged the Smoke Monster. (To a curiously nonplussed reaction from Jacob.) I thought falling into the lighted cave had literally transformed the Man Black into Smokey (Mom in Black had warned strongly against going in there). However, MIB’s mortal corpse had been deposited not too far from Jacob, leading me to assume that the Smoke Monster had somehow been lying in wait in that cave the entire time, waiting for another dead body to drift in so he could impersonate it.

In other words, we learned that MIB was NOT originally the Smoke Monster. Meaning, we still have no idea what the hell that thing is.

The frustration with that scene was a microcosm for my feelings about this overly ambitious, fascinating, yet ultimately disappointing hour of television.

So what’d you think of this episode? Am I being way too hard on this episode? What do you make of MIB killing his “mom” with a knife — the same way Ben killed Jacob? Finally, are you depressed, excited or (gasp!) a little relieved that this whole thing is coming to an end? (I’m actually hearing from a few people that they just want this thing to be over with. Oh oh.)