Dancing with the Stars: In the Doghouse

I realize that I missed the show’s return last week – would I have scheduled a vacation during TV premiere week if I knew I was going to be away from a television when all my favorite shows came back? Discuss – but when did “Dancing with the Stars” become political.

Well, not really.

Even though I laughed out loud when the camera cut to Tom with Sarah Palin a moment after Jennifer Grey and Brooke Burke wondered aloud why there was booing in the ballroom, the whole thing ended up coming off as tacky.

I’m not someone who would ever be confused with a Sarah Palin fan, but the incident ultimately left a bad taste in my mouth. This is “Dancing with the Stars”! We’re all here to have fun, and the only booing I should hear is the reflexive booing that follows the mildest of criticisms.

Besides, where the hell was all this booing for Kate Gosselin last season?

Enough about that, let’s talk about how the couples did with the jive and quickstep, in order of appearance.

Rick Fox and Cheryl: Rick Fox delivered a solid jive that actually got better as it went along, but the main thing I learned about him is that he’s a “tush” man. (Will “tush” be the new “juicy” as far as words that are written on women’s butts?) I also learned that Rick Fox has a torn tendon in his foot, but he’s going to play through it because Larry Bird told him that “pros play hurt” when he was a rookie. (That’s probably the only time Larry Bird talked to Rick Fox during Fox’s rookie year.)

Florence Henderson and Corky: Florence Henderson wants to not be Cloris Leachman (an intentional laughingstock) so bad that it hurts. The only problem is that she’s nowhere near a good enough dancer for us to overlook her advanced age (76 years old), PLUS she’s not as entertaining as Leachman. So where does that leave her? Why don’t we turn it over to Erica’s thoughts on Florence’s quickstep: “That was a COMPLETE waste of my time.” – Erica. Well, then. At least Florence has nice legs – for a 76 year old. Also, why did I never notice that Corky looks and sounds almost exactly like Oscar from "The Office."

Brandy and Maks: Last night was pretty much the worst thing that could’ve happened to Brandy. Her subpar jive (her face made her look insane, and she was slightly stiff) was a disappointment because, simply put, she has the skills to do MUCH better. Still, the bigger issue may have been her off-putting interactions with Maks. Have the “Stars” already forgotten Len’s “Turn Up, Keep Up, Shut Up” motto from last season? If that wasn’t bad enough, she completely threw Maks under the bus when the judges criticized her ill-advised mid-jive breakdown. Just a bad scene all around…

Michael Bolton and Chelsie (pictured, left): …but not as bad as the disaster that followed. After checking out last week’s premiere, I actually would’ve given Bolton the boot for his boring, forgettable Viennese waltz. This week, he turned up sick and, during rehearsal, Chelsie “Whatever” Hightower looked like she was just about done with him and his crappy attitude. (I’m leaning towards blaming Bolton on this one – if you don’t think Chelsie can teach, check out what she did with Ty Murray.)

And then the jive started. His dignity was the first to go, as “Bolt” popped out of a doghouse with a bone in his mouth. His actual “dancing” made him look like a cadaver come (barely) to life. There was a sequence when he moved across the dance floor without moving his right arm or shoulder. I can’t even WALK without moving my arm or shoulder. Bruno may have been harsh in calling it the worst jive in 11 years, but he was also right. In fact, the harshness (and ensuing pity vote) may be enough to save Bolt.

Audrina Patridge and Tony: This is the first time I’ve ever written her name, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to want to write “Partridge” from now on. For the second week in a row, I was pleasantly surprised by how capable of a dancer she is. Now she needs to display some personality (always a problem on this show for reality show contestants and “teen activists”). Not really sure why she was stressing during rehearsal about her DWTS schedule. (What the hell is this show keeping her from doing?) Also, there was no way that Tony wasn’t going to end up having to wax his legs, not matter ho well they danced, right.

Jennifer Grey and Derek: Not to be cynical, but last week it was the Swayze thing. This week we learned that Jennifer Grey has a neck injury and she’s battled cancer. (She discovered that she had cancer when she saw a doctor to prep for the show – “Dancing with the Stars”…saving lives since 2010!) It may start to feel like the show is pushing TOO hard for Jennifer Grey to win – which is a shame, because so far, she’s perfectly capable of winning this show on merit. Sure, she was completely out of gas at the end of her challenging, frenetic jive with Derek, but she pulled it off despite some slightly rough patches.

Margaret Cho and Louis: To be honest, I’m a little bummed that I’m not enjoying Margaret Cho on this show as much as I thought I would. She’s had a few good one-liners, but her rehearsal material has more closely resembled therapy sessions thus far. (Great for her, but not as fun for us.) Also, I don’t know why, but I thought she’d be a better dancer than she is. She definitely improved this week with her jive (I just remember a lot of pink), though, so hopefully she’ll continue on that upward trajectory.

Kyle Massey and Lacey: Seriously, is there anyone out there who hasn’t enjoyed this ugy in these first two weeks? His enthusiasm and flair is so infectious that I’m not even paying attention to whether his technique is any good. (I suspect it’s ok…could get better.) I mean, even that “old guy from England” (thanks, Kurt) doesn’t seem too interested in talking proper footwork where Kyle is concerned (which is good because it looked like he almost fell after performing a jete in the corner). He deserves an entire pizza after last night!

Kurt Warner and Anna: Kurt gets my Most Improved award for the week for a surprisingly decent jive. Also “surprisingly decent” – Kenny Loggins’ “Danger Zone” as covered by the Harold Wheeler Orchestra.

The Situation and Karina: At least he’s trying, right? It’s no secret I watch “Jersey Shore”, so I want him to be better than he actually is. Carrie Ann was right in that he appears to have no musicality (unlike Ronnie, The Situation spends most of his club time pulling up his shirt), and his footwork was absolutely atrocious. He should be thanking the lord that Michael Bolton was so much worse.

Bristol Palin and Mark: Bristol actually does her steps pretty well, but she’s not much of a performer and needs to appear to be having more fun. She’s like a less energetic, less robotic, less boob-jobby Audrina Partridge…Patridge. (Damn it!) Still, there’s no way Bristol deserved an 8, and there’s no way she would’ve gotten it if you know who hadn’t been sitting in the front row. Also, will she ever dance to a song that doesn’t mention “Mama”? (Last week, “Mama told her not to come”, and this week “Mama said you can’t hurry love.”

So what’d you think of this episode? Are there only two people (Brandy and Jennifer Grey) who are REALLY good? Can Rick Fox or Kyle Massey get there? Did you notice that Michael Chiklis didn’t join his “No Ordinary Family” cast members to plug the show? (Appearing on DWTS would’ve killed most of his street cred from “The Shield.”) Finally, who do you think will go home? (Let me rephrase — will anyone other than Michael Bolton go home?)