Glee: Brittany and Britney

I really need to recap something that’s not a reality show – why not “Glee”?

Now, despite the fact that I’ve seen every episode, I’m not what you’d call a “Gleek.” I actually think the show is flat-out HORRENDOUS just as often as it achieves greatness. But that’s to be expected from a show that takes chances, is highly-stylized, and, for better or worse, is unlike anything else currently on TV. (At least till the inevitable “Glee” ripoffs start showing up.)

I was really happy with my decision for the first 20 or so minutes.

Coming in, I cared less about the fact that this was the “Britney Spears” episode and more about the idea that the show would focus on dim-bulb cheerleader Brittany, who pretty much makes me laugh out loud every time she speaks.

Things got off to a very promising start when, after Kurt insisted the glee club perform Britney Spears songs, Brittany objected and revealed that her full name is Brittany S. Pierce and that she resented living in Britney’s shadow all these years. (Bonus points for Santana’s “Leave Brittany alone!”)

In fact, the only thing I didn’t like about the episode was, um, EVERYTHING ELSE.

Has there been a worse lead character on a half-decent show than Will Schuester? (He’s picked up the crown Meredith Grey dropped a couple of years ago and wears it proudly on his ridiculous hair.) When he’s not being weak – when he feuds with Sue, I probably shouldn’t be rooting for her, but I always am – he’s being selfish and pathetic like he was tonight.

John Stamos made his debut tonight as Dr. Carl, Emma’s new dentist boyfriend. (Stamos was fine. Decent comedic timing and he nailed the role’s most important requirement – being really handsome.) So, of course, Will decides that he wants Emma back and tells Dr. Carl straight-up that’s he’s going to steal her back.

Oh wait, this show is called “Glee”, so I should discuss his scenes with the glee club, where he was stubbornly, inexplicably insisting that they couldn’t do Britney Spears songs and tried to force the club to sing Christopher Cross. (I get that it was supposed to be a geeky choice, but come on writers! Throw Matthew Morrison a bone!) And this is a guy I’m supposed to be rooting for.

He sucks so much, that I was actually really happy to see Terri pop up for a minute.

Unfortunately, Rachel (the show’s other main character) is challenging him for the Most Unlikable character.

I get that she’s SUPPOSED to be a neurotic and selfish character, but it’d be nice to get more reminders as to why we’re supposed to like her. Last week it was sending Sunshine Corazon to a crack house to avoid competition. This week, she made Finn choose between her and football (something he loves doing) because she was insecure about him regaining her status and losing him. “Glee” has always been really good at coming up with funny lines, but much less good at stuff like pace and plotting. Now they’re in danger of having the audience turn on the two characters that actually drive the show.

All that, plus Sue Sylvester and her fire alarm pulling seemed oddly shoe-horned into this week’s ep.

Then again, that’s what happens when you try to fit a story around the songs you’re going to use, instead of the other way around. The “everyone is hallucinating under anesthesia” conceit got redundant in a hurry!

Speaking of the songs, let’s wrap up by breaking down and grading the evening’s musical numbers.

“I’m a Slave 4 U”…A

We knew Heather Morris was a terrific dancer and her singing…was at least as good as Britney Spears’. I enjoyed the iconic Britney music video outfits (even as I hated myself for recognizing them). More importantly, Morris was hot-to-the-touch sexy and it was thrilling seeing her get her big breakout solo moment on the show. (Also, I’m fairly sure I saw Mark Kanemura from “So You Think You Can Dance” in this number and…)

“Me Against the Music”…B

Nice to see Brittany AND Santana in the spotlight, but I don’t care for the song, and the lead-up to the musical number already started to feel forced…I mean, even more forced than usual for this show. Hey, it’s the real Britney making a cameo!

“…Baby One More Time”…A-

Britney Spears breakout video - and I like how director Ryan Murphy recreated some shots from the iconic video for the episode. Lea Michele looked terrific and can obviously sing better than Britney, plus the outfit and sequence (gasp!) actually carried over to the episode’s “plot” when Rachel decided to dress sexier. The only problem is that I already think Rachel dresses sexy.

“Stronger”…D-

I hated everything about it. By this time, the hallucinogen device was COMPLETELY played out. I hate how they ALWAYS overproduce Artie’s (Kevin McHale’s) voice. (Everyone else only get their vocals overproduced most of the time). I hate him trying to get “stronger” to get on the football team. (I realize this show is about achieving what people say you can’t do, but you CANNOT play football if you’re in a wheelchair. You just can’t – sorry if that makes me an asshole.) Finally, I hate the storyline of him trying to get Tina back. (He apparently WAS a terrible boyfriend, so why should I want them back together?) The only reason I don’t give it an F is because the dancing football players reminded me of the “Single Ladies” number.

“Toxic” A-.

I liked the arrangement and choreography so much that it overcame the fact that the number was really about Mr. Schuester creepily trying to win Emma back by dancing sexily with his students. Also, they’re getting a lot of mileage out of Josh Sussman’s Rachel-obsessed Jacob this year!

“The Only Exception”…B+.

My sources inform me this isn’t a Britney Spears song. Besides its inclusion being completely, bafflingly random, I like the song and Michele knocked it out of the park.

So what’d you think of this episode? Was this the sexiest episode of “Glee”? (I’m going with a “Won’t Be Fooled Again”-style “YEEEAAAAHHHH!!!”) How in the hell could Mr. Schue afford a Corvette? (I guess the club’s budgetary concerns from last week are a thing of the past.) Which Britney song do you wish they'd included? Finally, can someone recommend a really manly show for me to recap? (I mean, “Dancing with the Stars”…“Project Runway”…“Top Model”…and now “Glee”?! HEEEELLLLPPP!!!)