America's Next Top Recap: Under the Sea

I go on vacation for one week, and two models disappear…AND I miss the makeover episode?

Although this week’s installment had virtually no chance of being as eventful, let’s dive in with my thoughts on roller coasters, male models and aquatic life:

- But first — let’s talk about last week’s episode really quickly.

I’m glad Terra got the ax (Debbie Downer thought she was depressing), and I’m glad her whiny butt got stuck with a haircut she hates. I didn’t really agree with Sara’s ouster. To me Lexie’s fallen angel picture was worse, and Sara was more memorable/had more potential. (The bleached/apparent lack of eyebrows was compelling!) Then again, I should’ve known Sara was going home because whenever they show someone talking about how much they miss their kids, it usually means they’re going to be joining them soon.

Also, Kayla’s shock of red hair makeover is the best one this show has done in years. True story.

- Ms. J and Nigel presented this week’s challenge, which was for the girls to convey a specific emotion or idea while riding a rollercoaster.

Though the purpose of the challenge is loosely helpful at best (I get it — it teaches them how to model under extraordinary circumstances), it was still completely ridiculous, which is perfectly fine for this show.

- Speaking of completely ridiculous, why did Ms. J use a marker to draw thick fake eyebrows over his real ones?

- Anyway, though Liz deserves credit for pulling that smile, I think she was very lucky to draw “relatable/catalog.” Pretty much everyone else looked like a windswept freak, no matter what they were trying to convey.

- The reward for Liz and two friends (Kayla and shell-shocked, roller coaster-phobic Chris) was a photo shoot with Tyra and a tea party afterwards. To be honest, I spent most of my time wondering why Tyra let the show’s editors make her look like a food-hogging pig.

- Back at the house, the entire house turned on Kacey. And, no, it wasn’t because of the lame “mixer” she threw with the male models — it was because Lexie confronted her and told Kacey that no one liked her.

Here’s my take (which, I’m guessing, is why you’re here): I don’t think Kacey is particularly horrible (or even that bad). She’s certainly not as outright beastly as past contestants. As my gf Erica pointed out, she just seems more like an irritating priss than anything — I don’t know that she deserved to have the whole house turn against her.

- So, apparently: Matthew Rolston = Matthew Broderick + Nathan Lane.

- Rolston, pretty much the only photographer whose name I would recognize, shot the girls for this week’s challenge in which they were underwater goddesses posing with various aquatic life. The shoot went MUCH better this week after last week’s disaster.

- I liked that Rolston was really hands-on (even if he came off a bit brutal in describing the girls’ flaws), but aren’t the modeltestants supposed to figure their poses by themselves?

- Liz’s rep as a “pain in the butt” continued to grow after she complained about her contact lenses. Two things: 1.) I enjoyed the mini-montage of Mr. Jay being exasperated with her on past shoots. 2.) How about taking the f---ing contacts out?!

- Was Chelsey really to blame for her horrible, drag queen makeup? (Wouldn’t the makeup artist have done that to her?)

- My favorite pictures: Esther, Ann, Lexie. Esther (pictured, left) looked as stunning as any golden age Hollywood star and this would’ve been the perfect time to give someone other than Ann a win. Instead, Ann won top photo honors for the third week in a row, ensuring an inevitable backlash/collapse. (Here’s hoping that doesn’t happen.) Lexie’s elvish thing actually worked for her here.

-Least favorite pics: Kacey, Liz and Rhianna. I have no idea why the judges flipped out for Kacey’s froggy, no neck photo (Tyra dinged Jane for not having a neck). To make the totally superficial black girl comparison, Kendal’s was MUCH better.

- The bottom two this week was comprised of Liz and Rhianna. I never really warmed up to Rhianna’s hippy-dippy vibe, but I was still surprised she was sent packing over the more mannish looking and “difficult” Liz. I think Rhianna is a more skilled model, but I’m not outraged that Liz — with her hard-scrabble story — got to stay. She just needs to zip it during future photo shoots.

So what’d you think of this episode? Are male models really THAT uninteresting? Finally, if you were at a tea party with Tyra and she was hogging all the carrot raisin bread, would you speak up and try to wrestle some away? (I’d want no part of that fight.)