Project Runway: Last Resort

I’m a lot more than a quart disappointed by last night’s result. (And that I won’t be getting more math lessons from the season’s most unintentionally lovable contestant.)

I didn’t like who the judges crowned as this week’s victor, but I ABSOLUTELY LOATHED their decision as to who to send home — or rather, I hated who they decided to keep around.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Before the evening’s infuriating result, the episode seemed to be heading straight into “meh” territory when Tim Gunn and “special guest” Michael Kors (how special a guest is he, if they see him every week) announced that the challenge would be to create resort wear. The most interesting part of this segment was Michael D. (understandably) whining about having to sketch while enjoying their boat ride, and the designers sneaking a few hors d’oeuvres into their mouths when it was time to go.

Things took a turn for the brilliant when Tim brought out his dreaded velvet bag with the golden rope for the challenge’s twist: the designers had to pair up with a fellow designer and execute their partner’s design! Team challenges are always instant drama anyway, but having this group of egomaniacs hand over their work to someone else was particularly delicious.

Of course, everybody besides Casanova was probably silently wishing that they didn’t end up with Michael C., although we only got to hear Mondo vocalize that apprehension — so naturally he was paired up with the much-maligned Michael C.

It’s no secret that I like Michael C., but I’ve also grown fond of Mondo, despite his off-puttingly short-shorts. Mondo was already cranky because “resort wear” isn’t really in his wheelhouse, and he brought some of that attitude into his initial interactions with Michael C., telling him his construction was “awful.” Here’s the thing: (RIP Kara DioGuardi’s tenure on “American Idol”) at least Mondo brought his apprehensions about Michael C. and laid them directly on the table so the duo could deal with them and get past them. Mondo didn’t confine his snide insults to the confessional or wait until Michael C. left the room.

A little while later, Mondo said that Michael C. is a really good guy, admitted that he had acted like a “dick” and, by the end of the episode, the two were sitting in a sofa with their arms wrapped around each other in a hilarious image that made me wish I knew how to do screengrabs so I could post it with this column.

At the other end of the spectrum, we had Ivy and Michael D. I’ve been on the “I hate Ivy” train for the better part of the last month, but last night was really her coming out party as the bitchiest bitch who ever bitched on this show. Apparently, everyone in the world (except maybe Gretchen) is worse at sewing and constructing than Michael D., because she expressed misgivings about his ability, and spent the rest of their time together dumbing down her already blah design for him, and micro-managing him to within an inch of his sanity.

I’m not letting Michael D. off scot free. Although I obviously felt for the guy, he definitely could’ve projected more confidence than he did when Ivy asked him if he could make pants. And although I can respect him for taking the high road when Ivy started throwing him under the bus (take a shot every time someone says that this season), I wish he would’ve stood up for himself a bit more.

I mean, Ivy is SO bad that she made Gretchen treating Casanova like he is a “retard” (his word) seem like a total non-factor.

The top 3 on the runway were Andy, Black, and Blacker. (Andy, April and Michael D.) As you can probably tell, I was pulling for Andy’s breathtaking colorful swimsuit/wrap combo to take the win, even if I appreciated April’s edgy, naughty take on resort wear. April’s outfit looked more like lingerie, but apparently no one minded. Still, she deserves credit for sticking to her guns (at Michael Kors’ urging) and attempting underwear/pants again after the “triple panty” fiasco.

Michael D. on the other hand — I just didn’t get it. I would’ve put Michael C.’s J-Lo-riffic outfit in the top 3, but then Ivy would’ve snapped and tried to strangle him.

The cantankerous Korean was joined in the bottom 3 by Mondo (his bright look was deemed “Forever 21” and Casanova.

Mondo wasn’t going anywhere (even after a K-mart zinger from Nina), so it was down to Ivy and Casanova, who swing from “slut” to “old lady” mode this week.

In hindsight, it probably wasn’t a good idea for him to admit that had his grandmother in mind when he created his design, but damn! At least his outfit had some shape to it! The judges seriously decided to keep Ivy over Casanova?! When Ivy is eliminated, will there be an amusing video package dedicated to her many delightful moments and ending with her saying that she and New York grabbed each other by the ball? I don’t think so!

Forget the fact that I hate her — Ivy deserved to go home on merit.

The biggest part of the challenge was communication, which she OBVIOUSLY failed at (and compounded the problem by blaming her partner for her outfit’s shortcomings). Even if Ivy had executed her own design, how in the hell was she going to make her blah color choice look like anything other than a gray mass of crap. Finally, the judges even conceded that her lack of creativity basically means that she’s a seamstress — not a designer.

Can someone please explain to me why she’s still here?!

Besides that, what’d you think of this episode? Does anyone else start reflexively humming “I’m on a Boat” when you seem someone on a boat? (I realize the joke is like three years old, but still…) Finally, what did you think of “stylish American actress” Kristen Bell? (Other than the fact that she was OBVIOUSLY there to promote her movie, I thought she was really good.)