When “Jersey Shore” premiered last year, I was pleasantly surprised that the seemingly ‘roided-up meathead Ronnie turned out to be one of the more likable and thoughtful members of the cast. (We’re grading on a curve here people.)Sammi…I think we all agreed that she was the prettiest one, right? (Again…curve.)
I’m telling you that to tell you this — I can’t even stand to look at either one of them right now. I hate hearing them talk even more.
I mean, I don’t even feel like talking about them, so I’m going to keep my thoughts on them short. (Which means this recap will probably be short, since this season is pretty much all about them.)
This week picked up where last week frustratingly left off, in the middle of the fight between J-Woww and Sammi. Vinny had tried to get J-Woww to beat Angelina’s ass for being an instigator, but Sammi stepped up to fight J-Woww for reasons that still remain completely unclear.
Here’s what you need to know: after the fracas (and the resulting explosion of fingernails and sandwiches) and after a mini undercard with Vinny and Ronnie, Sammi bragged about how she had beat J-Woww’s ass. Note to Sammi: landing two punches on someone who is being held back by, at least, two people does NOT equal beating someone’s ass. I don’t know what was more pathetic: Sammi claiming this was her greatest accomplishment or Sammi repeatedly and triumphantly flexing her right hand like she was a real brawler.
I hate Sammi and Ronnie. I’ve gone from feeling bad for Sammi, to hating her for being so dumb, to just plain hating her. (Really? Angelina and Ronnie are your allies?!) The Situation fantastically likened her delusions about Ronnie to a kid wanting to believe in Santa Claus. (“F---ing Santa Claus is dead.”) Ronnie, for his part, has gotten off scot free, as The Situation incredulously pointed out. (The most unfortunate side-effect of this Sammi/Ronnie-centric season has been the lack of screen time for The Situation, but damn if the guy doesn’t make the most of the time he’s given.)
Have fun Sammi and Ronnie…you two deserve each other! (As Ronnie humps Sammi’s head behind her.)
As I say goodbye to Sammi and Ronnie, I thought this was going to be the week where I welcomed Vinny into my heart and permanently stopped making jokes about how much of a non-factor he is.
He was on a roll after taking it upon himself to expose what a fraud Angelina is and the two got into a heated argument. (I didn’t even know Vinny was capable of getting into a heated argument.
Vinny’s roll continued after he hooked up with a legitimately hot Hooters girl (she had the Pauly D stamp of approval), but (needle scratching on record sound) my man’s momentum came to a screeching halt when he suddenly, inexplicably hooked up with Angelina. (AKA Rob Kardashian.)
(That sound you hear is Jose’s heart breaking at his lady love Angelina’s betrayal and because of the realization that he is NOT getting his Fossil watch back.)
The other residual fallout from the couple from hell was that best-selling authors Snooki and J-Woww ended up being outcasts – and I couldn’t have been more thrilled because these two are entertaining as hell together!
Whether Snooki was talking about her “tan” ethnicity, or whether Snooki was hooking up with the perpetually-hungry Dennis while J-Woww cowered in her bed a few feet away, I’m definitely feeling like I would watch a spin-off of these two.
Their best moments came when Snooki decided to invite Dennis over (could they have been more lukewarm on each other), and the two decided to clean the smush/hookup room. My two favorite two things were the sly allusion to Vinny’s penis size (Snooki found a Magnum wrapper and deduced it was his) and J-Woww almost suffocating herself under all that plastic.
A few minutes later, it seemed like she WISHED she had suffocated herself when she saw Dennis’ friend/wingman, whose biggest offense was a truly unfortunate nose, but otherwise kinda looked like Herb from the latest season of “The Next Food Network Star.” J-Woww’s will appeared to deflate, she put her purse down and simply walked away from the grenade/chode.
Overall, not a great week for J-Woww, but I suspect that she’s right and that she’ll eventually have the last laugh.
So what’d you think of this episode? Do you, like my girlfriend, hope there’s a special feature on the “Jersey Shore” season 2 DVD that has Sammi watching these episodes and capturing her reaction? Finally, will you know start using the singular “herpe”?
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