America's Next Top Recap: Are You High...Fashion?

The latest cycle of “America’s Next Top Model” premiered last night, and the evening’s keyword was “high fashion.” (Followed closely by “editorial.”)

In case you hadn’t heard, Tyra was more than happy to remind us that this cycle would feature visits by an especially large number of fashion/modeling industry bigwigs. (I don’t really follow that world beyond watching this show and “Project Runway”, but I’m sure all of those people are a BIG deal.)

More importantly, (in addition to the customary Cover Girl contract) the winner will receive a spread in Italian Vogue magazine instead of Seventeen magazine. Even I know that’s as big a step as going from a show on the CW to a show on…pretty much any other channel!

Last night, we were (hastily) introduced to 32 girls who were grouped into types: Blonde, Brunet, Quirky, Sexy, Strong Bone Structure and Trashy. (NOTE: I only made one of those up. Good luck figuring out which one.)

From 32, the girls were cut down to 20, before we eventually got this season’s top 14.

With such an info-dump, it was hard to keep track of who was who. Here are my impressions of the girls, starting with a few who didn’t make the final cut:

Emily: Wrote in her diary that she didn’t want to room with “a black girl…ew.” Apparently, she was talking about a specific, obnoxious black girl (whose name she didn’t know), so she wasn’t referring to all black girls. Still, it looked really bad, and she had a hard time convincing her fellow contestants that she wasn’t racist. Come on, Emily — everyone’s little bit racist.

Jordan: the pretentious (she was against “consumerism” and “materialism”) Lady Gaga wannabe probably should’ve showed that she gave a damn about this show BEFORE she was eliminated.

Vanessa: Claimed that the other girls talked s--- about her because they were jealous of how pretty she was. Even if this weren’t the “high fashion” season of “Top Model”, it was pretty obvious she was going to be eliminated five minutes later just for making such a blatantly bitchy remark.

Enough with the castoffs — let’s talk about this season’s finalists.

The 14:

Anamaria: I honestly don’t remember a single thing about this person — hmm, we’re not off to a good start here.

Ann: She is SUCH a weirdo (that’s a major asset on this show), that her extremely mannish voice is only the third or fourth oddest thing about her. Not “gawky-interesting” to me — more like “gawky-ugly.” She’s going to need the most legendary makeover to make me think otherwise. Sorry.

Chelsey: Most likely to be nicknamed “Freckles”, she stopped modeling after she was told that she was too “fat.” (Has there ever been an actual fat person on this show? I’m not just talking about models, I mean anyone who has ever appeared on camera? Oh hi, Andre Leon Talley!)

Chris and Terra: I grouped them together, because that’s how they appeared during their one-on-one time with the judges. Chris is the younger, more obnoxious one. Terra is the older, more angular, quieter one. Neither can win. Bodes well for Terra that, even though she’s four years older, she looks like she could be Chris’ twin, so I guess she’ll stick around longer.

Esther: When you hear that a girl in this competition (or anywhere else) is a 30G, you’d obviously expect that to be the focal point. Still, I was impressed by how (other than the brief bikini strut where her boobs were bouncing so wildly that they almost slapped her in the face) Esther made wardrobe and modeling choices that downplayed her ridiculous breasts.

Jane: A Princeton student whose parents bought her a horse and built her a barn to put it in. (The anti-Liz? See, below.) Seems a better fit for “Gossip Girl” than “ANTM.”

Kacey: Probably threw Lexie under the bus just to stir up drama after Lexie confided in her about Jordan’s fakeness, but that’s mostly Lexie’s fault for bringing up another girl’s business in the first place. Kacey’s biggest problem is the fact that, apparently, the bags and lines around her eyes in that one close-up made her look my age. (I’m not old, but, at 28, I’d be one over-the-hill model.)

Kayla: I actually liked her short curly hair, but, for the purposes of this competition, it was better for her to go with the straight, slicked-back look. She was also the recipient of the prestigious title of “First Girl Tyra Made Cry This Cycle” — once she figured out where the entrance to the judges’ room was!

Kendal: With her strong look, she appears to be a strong contender in the competition. She reminds me a lot of Krista, the most recent winner. (Which is why she won’t win.) Yet the only thing I (and anyone else) can remember about her is her aversion to semen. Tyra Banks…always getting the relevant information!

Lexie: Impressed me by using the word “disingenuous” to describe Lexie…and she used it correctly! (And she wasn’t even the girl who went to Princeton!)

Liz: Muscular, Hispanic-looking single mom with a hard edge (that she’ll need to somewhat soften). She also has two minimum-wage jobs AND is going to college. I like her, and I suspect others will root for her too.

Rhianna: It’s wonderful that she can pose like a wide variety of plants, but I just don’t love her nearly as much as the judges seem to. Sorry.

Sara: All I can remember was that horrible rap. I would’ve eliminated her on the spot.

So what’d you think of this episode? Why was anyone reading Emily’s diary in the first place? Did this cycle sneak up on anybody else? Finally, who do you like in the competition, and who do you dislike? (For my traditional “Ridiculously Early Pick To Win It All — I’m going with Chelsey.)