Tropic Thunder Review

Making a good comedy is already difficult enough, but coming up with something that's both really smart AND incredibly dumb is a probably the trickiest balancing act anybody can try.

Director Ben Stiller — who's been landing on the "incredibly dumb" side of the spectrum WAY too much lately — mostly succeeds with "Tropic Thunder."

The film centers around a group of actors — played by Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Robert Downey Jr., Brandon T. Jackson and Jay Baruchel — in the middle of a disastrous shoot for a Vietnam War epic who are dropped into the jungle to amp up the authenticity, but end up in the middle of a real-life conflict.

"Tropic Thunder" drew accusations that it was racist before anybody even saw the movie (because of Robert Downey Jr.'s character) and, once everybody got around to actually watching the movie, it drew fire for making fun of the mentally handicap (a recurring gag in the movie).

I would never tell anyone that they shouldn't be offended, because I'm fortunate enough to not have anyone close to me suffering from a mental disability. However, I think it's important to note that the movie is CLEARLY mocking self-involved actors who go to physical extremes for their roles and the fact that certain roles are more likely to get you nominated for an Oscar, and not African-Americans or the mentally challenged, respectively. I mean, in my opinion, dyeing your skin is only slightly more ridiculous and unhealthy than gaining or losing 70 lbs for a role.

Stiller stars as Tugg Speedman, the latest in the actor's long resume of overly-cocky dimbulb characters. Speedman is an action looking for a comeback after a failed bid for dramatic credibility ("Simple Jack"). While Stiller is good here — closer to "Zoolander," and not as obnoxious as in "Dodgeball" — what really impressed me were his skills as a director. Sure, sometimes scenes come to a halt while his actors show off their improv skills, but for the most part he keeps the movie going and actually makes the film look like a credible action flick (which is important).

The terrific year for Robert Downey Jr. continues as he pretty much steals the show as 5-time Oscar-winning actor Kirk Lazarus, who's had his skin dyed to play the platoon's black sergeant. Downey is hilarious (though a little incomprehensible at times with his jive talking) as an actor who stays in character no matter what. The part where he, while still playing the black character, disguises himself as an Asian nearly made my head explode. Meanwhile, Jack Black is good for a few laughs as Jeff Portnoy, star of the Nutty Professor-like "Fatty" films. I wish they'd played more with the "comic actor trying to be dramatic" angle (I like his soldier character's "serious" voice) instead of the "drug addict aching for a fix" thing which was occasionally funny, but mostly repetitive.

I was actually a little more impressed with Jackson as rapper Alpa Chino (I didn't get it until I heard it out loud), who clashes with Lazarus, and with Jay Baruchel, as a shy up-and-coming actor and the only person in the cast who seems to have a clue — each have potential to do some good things down the line. I also think young actor Brandon Soo Hoo is a find, in case anybody else ever decides to cast a good Asian child actor in a non-martial arts movie again.

I also enjoyed Steve Coogan as overburdened director Damien Cockburn (see the level of some of the humor here?), and Danny McBride as an overzealous explosives expert (I'm sorry his explosion in "Driving Miss Daisy" was not used), but the big story is the not-so-surprise appearance of Tom Cruise as Les Grossman, a bald, profane and hairy studio exec.

I think it's a brilliant part for Cruise to play, and he does so very well (though I'm not sure about the dancing). Then again, I wasn't one of those people who started hating Tom Cruise a few years ago, so I'm not exactly seeing it as this big career-saving thing like a lot of other people. Also, I kind of enjoyed Nick Nolte more, as the eccentric author of the book the fake movie is based on, because I couldn't tell if he was acting most of the time.

As you can probably tell, this movie is packed with stars and I haven't even gotten around to all the other cameos I'll try not to spoil for you. The problem is that, with all this going on, the movie feels overstuffed at times. For example, I didn't really care for Matthew McConaughey's character (originally to be played by Owen Wilson) and could easily have seen his role end up on the deleted scenes in the DVD. There are also a LOT of jokes and, inevitably, not all of them hit the mark.

In the end though, I'm a sucker for silly movies-within-movies and fake trailers (Tobey Maguire gives his best performance his in this flick — I mean that) and "Tropic Thunder" has plenty of that.

More importantly, the movie mostly does a fine job of utilizing its talented cast and delivering the funny in both a smart and dumb way.

Tropic Thunder...B+

Project Runway Rundown: Dipstick Jungle

After a few false starts, I'm finally digging the new season of "Project Runway" after the second consecutive entertaining episode.

It was so good, that I'm willing to overlook the way the judges completely botched almost every single decision they made last night.

I'm looking past that because last night was educational. We learned it's not a good idea to piss off a black woman (at least Suede and Joe did) and that the show will always favor a big personality over a deserving designer. Oh wait, we already knew both those things.

The episode didn't get off to a promising start with Blayne bringing back –licious (Team Dramalicious) following a much appreciated one-week hiatus. Soon, the designers learned this week's challenge would be to design an outfit for a high-powered woman, leading to some more spectacularly wrong guesses (though a Hilary Clinton episode would be a sight to behold).

I'm not quite sure why they tried to make the appearance of this week's guest judge — Brooke Shields (pictured, left, with Nina Garcia) — a surprise, since anyone who's had a TV tuned to Bravo in the past week knew it would be her.

The designers would be creating an outfit for her character — Wendy Somethingorother (I don't care) — to wear on Shields' show, "Lipstick Jungle". If Bravo was going to pimp another NBC show, couldn't they have picked a good one. And what's with Tim Gunn repeatedly emphasizing the magnitude of this week's prize (having one of their looks worn on TV)? Did I miss something? Aren't all of these peoples' looks shown on TV every week already?

Anyway, Tim also announced that this would be a two-person team challenge about 20 seconds after I turned to my girl Erica and said "you know, they haven't had any team challenges this year?" The 12 designers presented their sketches to Brooke, who seemed kind and knowledgeable and mostly did a good job of hiding her disgust toward Blayne's and Stella's designs. Shields picked six designers who would serve as team captains/scapegoats (if their team performed poorly).

The teams were Keith and Kenley, Blayne and Leann, Korto and Joe, Terri and Suede, Kelli and Daniel, and Jerrell and Stella. In the least surprising development of the evening Stella was picked last (or not picked at all, technically). I'm also convinced the producers nudged Shields to select Blayne as a captain to stir things up and you can't change my mind.

Surprisingly, Jerrell (showing a bit of maturity and humility this week ) and Stella were the only drama-free duo.

Daniel wasn't thrilled to be working on Kelli's cheetah-licious (damn you, Blayne!!!) outfit because it wasn't "high-fashion" enough. Meanwhile, Korto got a nice view from under the bus after Joe agreed with Tim Gunn's "giant sweet potato" assessment of her jacket, but never bothered to tell her his feelings.

Terri and Suede had the most entertaining exchange of the day after Suede seemingly botched the couple's top. Suede seemed legitimately terrified of Terri who wondered if he was "packing balls or a vajayjay" (we're all wondering that) and said she wouldn't work with any babies. Actually, what she really said was "ain't nobody sucking on my titties", but I'm still a little shocked she actually said that. Awesome!

Keith and Kenley didn't even wait to get to the workroom to fight as they clashed over fabric at Mood (Tim Gunn stepped in and helped them before they incorporated a truly hideous-looking piece of fabric). At first I thought Kenley was coming off as kind of a bitch (especially when she was talking about her lack of faith in Keith's work behind his back). However, when she expressed those concerns to him in person, I realized she just has a strong personality and is really opinionated. (I hate when people talk trash behind someone's back and then smile in their face). Most importantly, she earned MAJOR brownie points when she openly laughed at Daniel after he claimed (once again) that his taste was impeccable. This guy is giving Blayne a major run for the title of "biggest space cadet."

The judges selected Keith/Kenley and Jerrell/Stella as their top two, while putting Kelli/Daniel, Blayne/Leann in the bottom two. Personally, I would've substituted Korto's outfit (looking more fitted and a lot less like a sweet potato) for Keith and Kenley's, but it was close.

What wasn't close, in my opinion, was that Jerrell and Stella deserved to win. Shields didn't seemed too thrilled with the zebra belt (which could easily come off), but the rest of the judges swooned over Jerrella's outfits, which seemed like a true collaboration between the two. Oh well. I can't really blame Shields for picking the prettier (and slightly more conventional) design by Keith, who looked completely stressed out this week after working with Kenley and looked like he needed the prize.

Meanwhile, Keith's workout buddy Daniel inexplicably skated elimination. He had botched the skirt and embarrassed himself in front of the judges with his "my taste is impeccable" bit, but didn't even land in the bottom two.

When it came down to Kelli and Blayne, there was no doubt in my mind Kelli was going home. Nevermind the fact that she won the first challenge and hadn't been anywhere near the bottom since and that Blayne has been in the bottom TWO twice and hasn't really designed anything that's any good (including this week's WAY too casual shorts outfit). Either Blayne or (especially) Daniel should've gotten the boot.

Oh well, I present Kelli with the "Allison Kelly" award for "Project Runway" contestant sent home WAY before their time in favor of a loonier personality (Kit Pistol won last year).

So what'd you think of this episode? Why is the winner of the "Allison Kelly" award always a blonde white girl? Is there anyone more boring than Leann? Who's weirder Blayne or Daniel? Did the judges get ANYTHING right last night? Finally, how excited are you about the return of Chris March next week? (Me? VERY)

2008 NFL Preview: AFC West

I previewed the NFC West yesterday, so why don't we take a look at the AFC West, which turned out to be most controversial preview column last year.

(NOTE: I blasted them for acting like babies and dared to predict the Broncos would finish ahead of the Chargers [whoops], but other than that, I had them going 11-5 and falling short of the Super Bowl, which is actually exactly what happened. I also love how they came out of the woodwork AFTER the season was over.)

Will I be cursed at again this year? (The answer is YES, though me being cursed at probably has less to do with what I write in this column and more to do with people just enjoying cursing at me.)

AFC West

1. San Diego Chargers (12-4)
2. Denver Broncos (8-8)
3. Kansas City Chiefs (6-10)
4. Oakland Raiders (4-12)

San Diego Chargers: It's no secret that I'm not the biggest San Diego Chargers fan. Sure, they've had an incredibly talented roster the last few years, but they've also been an obnoxious (Philip Rivers), preening (Shawne Merriman), trash-talking (Rivers and Merriman) and underachieving (LaDainian Tomlinson in the playoffs) group. They sort of reminded me of the early 2000's Baltimore Ravens — but without the Super Bowl win.

However, that perception changed for me last year when the Chargers finally broke through by winning in the playoffs and, more importantly, showed heart in doing so, going into Indianapolis and winning with their three best offensive players injured. (It's with a heavy heart that I pass the obnoxious, preening, trash-talking and underachieving crown to the Dallas Cowboys of the new millennium.)

I expect San Diego to build on that momentum from last year. They didn't make any major additions in free agency, but they didn't have to. Their only major loss was backup RB Michael Turning going to the Falcons (he was crucial since LT is about to start declining), but did a nice job of replacing him, in part, through the draft with Jacob Hester (the explosive Darren Sproles will also help). The defense will still be one of best in the conference, and Philip Rivers (pictured, right) looks good in camp so far coming off his injury. He'll have WR Cris Chambers for a full season this time.

They're a lock to win their division because they're really good and because the other three teams are rebuilding (though I'm pretty sure Denver doesn't realize they're rebuilding).

They've also passed the Indianapolis Colts (who they clearly OWN) as the second best team in the AFC, which should set up another terrific confrontation in the playoffs. Overall, Chargers fans should have plenty to be happy about (even though a couple of them are cranky bitches).

Denver Broncos: This team suffered its share of injuries last year, but mostly suffered due to its surprisingly terrible defense (third worst against the run). Unfortunately, they didn't make too many significant upgrades to said defense and a couple of key players, like CB Champ Bailey and new LB Boss Bailey (no relation), are dealing with nagging injuries during the preseason.

In his first year as a starter QB Jay Cutler had his ups and downs, but still came away with pretty impressive numbers (20TDs, 14 INTs). I'd like to think that he'll continue to get better, but I'm actually not so sure, because the Broncos will be trying to break in a few new starters on their offensive line (never a good thing). Still, that shouldn't stop them from having one (or two) rush for over 1,000 yards because that's just what the Broncos do. (That and frustrate fantasy owners with their running back-by-committee.)

Also not helping Cutler's development is the fact that Brandon Marshall (pictured, left), his best weapon is a total knucklehead — a talented knucklehead, sure (1325 Yds, 7 TDs), but a knucklehead nonetheless.

I think the Broncos will struggle this year, but still end up with a decent record, mostly due to the terrible division they play in.

Kansas City Chiefs: The illustrious Damon Huard era has come to an end in Kansas City, paving the way for Brodie Croyle's time as the Chief's QB. Ok, maybe it wasn't so illustrious since I had to look online just now to see who the team's QB was before Croyle took over in the second half of last season.

Croyle showed signs of being something last year and they Chiefs discovered they have a potential 1 WR in Dwayne Bowe, but they're still a few years away from the playoffs. Since Croyle isn't quite ready yet, defenses should still be able to key in on star RB Larry Johnson, who battled injuries last year.

On the defensive side of the ball, they drafted LSU's Glenn Dorsey, widely regarded as the best lineman and, by some, the best player in the draft. Unfortunately, they also lost DE Jared Allen, one of the league's best pass rushers, to the Vikings. Coach Herm Edwards better watch his job.

That sound you hear is Hall of Fame TE Tony Gonzalez (pictured, right) gently weeping after realizing his career is going to end playing for a 6-10/5-11 team.

Oakland Raiders: I was actually surprised and a little impressed by the spunk the Raiders showed in a lot of their games (they won't on to lose anyway) last year.

That's why it was a little startling to see owner/crazy old man Al Davis (pictured, left) try to fire first-year coach Lane Kiffin — it seemed like the players were really responding to him, so I don't understand why he'd want to mess with that.

I have no idea if JaMarcus Russell is any good. He definitely has the physical gifts (and no that's not a crack about his reported near-300lbs frame), but I'd be more excited about his chances of success if his two main targets weren't a washed-up looking Javon Walker and an uneven converted basketball player (Ronald Curry).

The big offseason acquisition was the drafting of rookie RB Darren McFadden in the first round. His explosiveness and playmaking ability should help the team, though I'm not sure how often we'll be able to see the guy — it's kinda hard to go to the ground and show off your stud running back when you're behind all the time.

Though the Raiders also boast a solid defense and several exciting players, every time you try to talk yourself into thinking this team is a contender remember one thing — no team run by a crazy old man in lady glasses will ever get anywhere.

2008 NFL Preview: NFC West

To prove that there's no East Coast bias in this column, I'll preview the NFC and AFC West divisions next.

Of course, I already did the NFC and AFC East previews first, so I guess it's too late to not be biased. Then again, I live on the East Coast, so why wouldn't I be biased that way? Of course, I DO live on the West Coast of Florida, so it's not technically — ok, my head hurts. Let's just get this over with:

NFC WEST

1. Arizona Cardinals (9-7)
2. Seattle Seahawks (8-8)
3. St. Louis Rams (6-10)
4. San Francisco 49ers (3-13)

Arizona Cardinals: For the past two off-seasons, NFL prognosticators have been predicting "THIS will be the breakthrough year for the Cardinals", and Arizona promptly responded by being their usual sucky self. It's my belief that if a lot of people are talking about you being a "dark horse" or "surprise" team, that automatically disqualifies you from being either. Those tags usually bring pressure and expectations that borderline bad teams usually can't handle.

Since this is the first time in a few years no one is touting the Cardinals, I'm fully expecting their talented roster to finally break through and win their division (probably the worst in the NFL).

I'm still not crazy about second year coach Ken Whisenhunt's strategy of rotating playing time for his quarterbacks Matt Leinart (pictured, left) and Kurt Warner, but it actually seemed to work for them last year while Leinart was healthy, so I can't argue with it too much. Still, it's imperative for playboy/quarterback Leinart (unfortunately, in that order) to step up, grab the starting job by the throat and have a solid, consistent year.

The defense is still a question, but they should be able to hold up well enough since this team should have no trouble scoring points. Leinart still has standout wide receivers Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Bolden at his disposal in the passing game. The team should also be able to squeeze one more solid season out of RB Edgerrin James before he's completely washed up. Right now he's only mostly washed up.

Seattle Seahawks: I've never given this team — which just keeps winning this division, almost by default — the respect they probably deserve. Unfortunately, that's going to continue this year, as I don't have them qualifying for the post season for the first time in a while.

They took a massive hit last offseason when let All-Pro guard Steve Hutchinson walk to the Vikes. While the move didn't seem like a huge deal at the time, all I know is that the Vikings had more than 2,000 yards on the ground last year with Hutchinson. Meanwhile, to say that Seattle's running game faltered is an understatement — I mean, what the hell happened to former league MVP Shaun Alexander (pictured, right)? Seriously, where is he?!

Fortunately for them, underappreciated QB Matt Hasselbeck stepped up for them and carried the team to the playoffs after coach Mike Holmgren opened up the offense by frequently using four wide receivers (out of necessity). You can probably expect more of the same this year, despite the addition of former Cowboys running back Julius Jones (I expect bigger things out of Maurice Morris).

The only problem is that a few of their best receivers (Bobby Engram and Deion Branch) already have injury issues, so Hasselbeck is going to have to do even more than usual. That'll lead to even more pass attempts than last year, but, with a weak running game, more losses too. (Hopefully, it'll also lead to more points for my fantasy team, since Hasselbeck is my starting QB.)

St. Louis Rams: These guys just had an absolutely depressing season last year. I mean, I'm honestly trying to think of any highlights from them this past season and I got nothing. I mean, even the 1-15 Dolphins had that one victory, right?

It was partly due to injuries to their best players, including QB Marc Bulger and RB Stephen Jackson, but it probably had more to do with me picking them to win their division last year.

Rookie defensive end Chris Long, son of Howie, should make an impact on their defense and, more importantly is a decent bet to inspire at least one "Firestorm" (left) joke.

This year, as long as Bulger and WR Torry Holt are healthy and Jackson, who is currently holding out, is happy, they should bounce back nicely, though not quite nicely enough to make the playoffs.

If it's ok with you, I'm going to stop typing now because I can't think of anything interesting to say about them. Sorry.

San Francisco 49ers: The team brings back sensational rookie linebacker Patrick Willis, who led the team in tackles last season. Then again, it's easier to lead the league in tackles when your defense is on the field all the time.

The addition of offensive coordinator/alleged genius Mike Martz has also given the Niners some buzz.

Lost in all the excitement is the fact that the Niners still have, mostly, the same crappy offensive players they had last year (oh way, they DID add former Cardinals NUMBER 3 receiver Bryant Johnson).

I know Martz has some fantasy about making RB Frank Gore into the new Marshall Faulk, but I just don't see it happening. It's not because Gore (who's also a decent bet to get hurt at some point) isn't any good, but because this team is not any good and will fall behind early and often and, consequently, have to abandon is passing game. How do I know this? Because Gore was my 1st round fantasy pick last year, and week after week I had to sit and suffer through approximately 10 "13 carry, 65 YD games." Can you tell I'm a little bitter?

(NOTE: I hate to be that guy who's always talking about his fantasy team, but that stuff seriously forces you to follow players and teams which you normally wouldn't give a flying fig about, which is actually kinda cool.)

It's all Alex Smith's (pictured, right in a typical play) fault, who, once again, is a strong contender for the "Alex Smith Worst Starter in the League" award. How bad is Alex Smith you say? He's so bad that, despite being a 1 overall pick, he's currently second in the depth chart to J.T. O'Sullivan, a Saints sixth round pick from 2002.

Maybe Mike Martz will mold Smith (or Sullivan) into a decent quarterback. And maybe the Yankees will wake up in time to make the playoffs. And maybe "Superhero Movie" will clean up at the Oscars this year.

As of August 12, all three of these scenarios have the exact same chance of happening.

2008 NFL Preview: AFC East

You may or may not have heard, but an AFC East team got themselves a shiny new quarterback recently.

And I, for one, think Chad Pennington is exactly the sort of player the Dolphins need as they look to rebuild.

(Don't worry, we'll get around to talking about the other new QB in the division since ESPN and the other sports networks have barely mentioned the poor guy.)

AFC East

1. New England Patriots (14-2)
2. New York Jets (8-8)
3. Buffalo Bills (7-9)
4. Miami Dolphins (4-12)

New England Patriots: Sure, their old defense is another year older and it lost, probably, its best player in Asante Samuel to free agency (though they added highly-regarded rookie linebacker Jerrod Mayo thanks to their preposterously high first round draft pick). But this squad is still (mostly) the same group of players who set about destroying the rest of the NFL for much of last season.

While I'm not really expecting Tom Brady to throw 50 TD passes again or Randy Moss (pictured, right, with Brady) to break the receiving touchdown record, I can't fully rule it out either. Last year, the players seemed determined to prove they didn't need video cameras to win games (except for Super Bowls). This year, after coming up a game short of the greatest single season of all time, I expect them to be more motivated than they'd be if they'd won it all.

I also expect them to drop a game relatively early on in the season (maybe even on purpose) so they don't have to suffer though the intense pressure of being perfect and we don't have to suffer the intense irritation of more interviews with members of the undefeated 1972 Miami Dolphins team.

New York Jets: Before they acquired Brett Favre (pictured, left), I expected the Jets to finish second in their division and miss the playoffs. Now, I expect them to finish second in their division, miss the playoffs, but do so with a LOT more cameras around.

To be fair, I also expect them to have a better record with Favre (I had them around 6 or 7 before his Brettness got there). But despite an aggressive offseason which saw them retool their offensive line (which I like a lot) I just don't see them being quite good enough to grab one of the two wild card spots. (And they ARE playing for a wild card spot thanks to the Pats).

I like what Favre brings to the offense (particularly deep threats Laveranues Coles and Jerricho Cotchery) and I like what he'll do for Thomas Jones and the Jets running game.

However, I'm still not really thrilled with Favre himself. Yeah, yeah, I know he's not exactly crying in a corner over reading that I'm not thrilled with him (though even if he WERE crying, how would we know he meant it?).

WAY too many words have been written about the Favre/Packers saga (which was pretty much COMPLETELY botched by both parties), so I won't get too much into it.

I'll just reiterate what I said last year when I blasted the guy — if any other athlete tried to pull off the crap that Favre has done (seriously, I suggest you read up on it and listen to his interviews) he'd be absolutely crushed by the media and fans. It's not about being wishy-washy about retirement (I totally get that), it's holding up the franchise you claim to love, trying to dictate to people where you're going to go, etc. Other (and, yes, blacker) athletes have been KILLED in the media for the exact same stuff. Instead, most sports writers can't shake off their sickening man-crush on the guy to write objectively on the matter.

I also don't get the feeling he's super-thrilled to be playing in New York/New Jersey and I feel like he's giving off an "it is what it is" vibe. Welcome to the Favre era in New York!

Buffalo/Toronto Bills: I honestly have no idea how this team played as well as it did last year with virtually no offensive weapons other than standout rookie running back Marshawn Lynch.

Well actually, I do have an idea and it's the oldest adage in football — they ran the ball and played decent defense. They also played HARD for their coach Dick Jauron, who they love.

They addressed some needs by adding former Jaguars defensive tackle Marcus Stroud to their D-line and spent a high draft pick on receiver James Hardy.

Unfortunately, their quarterback situation still, for lack of a better term, sucks. Former starter J.P. Losman is still on the team, but he's been a disappointment and will likely be backing up second year man Trent Edwards, who "solidified" the starting spot after coming in last year and throwing 7 TDs and 8 INT (the Edwards/Losman duo had 11 TDs and 14 INTs combined).

If they can somehow get solid play out of Edwards (pictured, right, though, be honest - you would have no idea if I put a random guy's picture up there), I like the team's chances of making a playoff push. However, if you glanced at my projected record for the Bills I don't expect them to get solid play out of Edwards. In fact, he might end up being a contender for the "Alex Smith Worst Starting QB in the League Award." I think he and this team are still a year away after overachieving last year.

At least they get to play in Canada for one game this year. That's fun, right?

Miami Dolphins: After a 1-15 season, there's nowhere to go but up, right? Right?!

I'd like to think so, but I just don't know. Their running back situation is uncertain — with Ronnie Brown coming off a serious injury, they'll have to rely on Ricky Williams (pictured, left). I'll say again, THEY'LL HAVE TO RELY ON RICKY WILLIAMS. This from the guy who made his triumphant return last year — and got hurt after just one game, six carries and 15 yards. Hopefully, he'll be able to pull himself away from seeing "Pineapple Express" for a sixth time to contribute.

They don't have any potent weapons on offense (I like Pennington, but he doesn't count; Ted Ginn Jr. doesn't count yet) and Hall of Fame coach Bill Parcells, their new vice president of football operations, decided it would be a good idea to alienate the team's best defensive player (actually the team's best player, period) Jason Taylor.

I know Parcells has a reputation for turning teams around in a big way and in a hurry, but I just don't see it happening this year, not in this division and not in this conference. Also, not under a rookie head coach in Tony Sparano (Parcells himself coached those other turnarounds). They'll play a lot harder this year and be more competitive, but they'll still be really bad.

2008 NFL Preview: NFC East

This column is rated PE for Potentially Embarrassing

From the guy who predicted the Bucs and Packers would finish last in their respective divisions this past season (they finished first) and — most famously — that the New York Giants would also finish last in their division AND fire their coach, comes a new round of predictions that are sure to be disastrously wrong!

I’m not asking you to read on because I claim to have any sort of NFL expertise or keen insight. Nobody (and ESPECIALLY not me) knows what’s going to happen in any given NFL season. If they claim they do or that any sort of majority of their pre-season predictions came to fruition, they’re absolutely full of it.

I’m asking you to read on so that, a little under a year from now, you can come back and make fun of me for how spectacularly off I was. It’s no fun to give someone credit when they’re right. I realize we’d all rather point and laugh when someone falls on their face. It’s ok. I can take it.

Why not get started with the division that produced my most spectacularly off prediction of all? Do I dare predict (again!) that the defending Super Bowl champion Giants will finish in last place? I can’t possibly be THAT stupid, right?

(Note: Once again, I'm going to be predicting records for each team, but I'm not going to bother and check whether they're mathematically possible and symmetrical with each team's schedule. It’s too much work, and I'd rather let someone smarter do that.)

NFC East

1. Dallas Cowboys (12-4)
2. Washington Redskins (10-6)
3. Philadelphia Eagles (9-7)
4. New York Giants (7-9)

Dallas Cowboys: Anyone who knows me knows how much it pains me to write this, but there’s just no denying the Cowboys place atop the division (and, probably, the conference) based on their talent.

They didn’t have any major losses in the offseason from a roster that was, arguably, the most talented in the NFC last year. And that was before they added key players like promising rookie running back Felix Jones from Arkansas and Adam “Pacman” Jones (pictured, left), who is probably just as likely to return a kick for a touchdown as he is to land in prison again.

That being said, I actually think he’s going to behave this year. Head coach Wade Phillips may not be a strategic mastermind, but his non-abrasive style seems to get his players to perform for him and to care about each other (maybe a bit TOO much). As long as they can keep their wild card players in line, and as long as they keep Jessica Simpson away from the stadium for important games, they should be fine.

In fact, if the franchise and its franchise quarterback had actually won a playoff game in the last decade, I’d probably pencil them in for a Super Bowl slot.

Washington Redskins: Other than bringing in a ballroom dancing competition runner-up (Jason Taylor, pictured, right) to shore up the defensive line, this is the second consecutive offseason in which the Redskins stayed relatively put after years of headline-grabbing signings of over-the-hill free agents that didn’t help the team develop any chemistry. And for the second year in a row, I think it’ll pay off.

Rookie head coach Jim Zorn and his new offense replace Hall of Famer Joe Gibbs, whose offense often looked stuck in the early 90’s. This will help quarterback Jason Campbell, who will continue to get better this year and who I like to make the leap and become a Pro Bowl quarterback, as well as primary receiver Santana Moss, who was on the side of a milk carton for much of last season. Clinton Portis should have another big year, but if he doesn’t, the ‘Skins have a capable backup in LaDell Betts. I like them to grab one of the wild card spots.

Philadelphia Eagles: I realize they had an absolutely disastrous season last year with Donovan McNabb’s annual injury and other team health problems, and head coach Andy Reid’s personal issues.

Still, I expect the Reid and his staff (the best in the division, by far) to come back strong and focused. They added former New England cornerback Asante Samuel (who they’ll need against division rivals like Terrell Owens and Plaxico Burress) to an already-strong secondary. I also expect McNabb to come back full-strength, since he probably came back a little too soon from his leg injury last year. They still don’t have a real deep threat beyond Kevin Curtis, so Brian Westbrook (pictured, left) will have to be the best player on the team again for the Eagles to have success.

Then again, if Westbrook gets hurt at any point this season, they’re screwed and I’ll ask you to kindly forget everything I wrote just now.

New York Giants: Whenever I ask if I’m really stupid enough to do ANYTHING, the answer is always “yes,” because I’m incredibly stupid.

How else could I justify having the Giants finish last in their own division after they knocked off the 18-0 Patriots and ended up on the mountaintop, led by Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning (pictured, right).

I would concede that they’re not going to fire their coach this year, but I could also tell you that I believe they just got unbelievably hot for a month at the end of last season (winning four straight tough playoff games on the road) and that they aren’t really as good as that streak. I’d probably point out that they’ve lost several key players (Michael Strahan, Gibril Wilson, Kawika Mitchell and, to a lesser extent Jeremy Shockey, who was absent for the Super Bowl run) while not making any significant additions. I’d also probably mention they have to play in one of the two toughest divisions in the league (along with the AFC South).

Then again, if you’re a Giants fan you’re probably glad I’m picking them last. I mean, look how it turned out last time.

Project Runway Rundown: Dread, White and Blue

I always thought the Olympics were a little gay.

Before you start typing your hate mail, I don't mean that as a slam at all. I really enjoy the Olympics and I've seen a significant portion of every summer and winter competition I can remember in my lifetime. What I mean is with all the tight outfits, pageantry and general androgyny among many of the athletes, I always figured the gays would be drawn to the Olympics more than to stuff like hockey or football.

Judging by last night's episode of "Project Runway," that's not necessarily the case.

After a "let's eliminate a model" session that was only notable for the fact that Heidi was wearing a puffy shirt, the designers followed Tim Gunn to the National Track and Field Hall of Fame Museum at the Armory in Washington Heights. There, they met up with Olympic gold medal winner/ballroom dancer Apolo "Apparently No Longer Anton" Ohno, who displayed his versatility by showing he can not only skate on ice, but on a hard track.

Ohno (pictured, right with Tim Gunn) introduced the (timely/cash-in for NBC) challenge, which was to design an outfit for the Olympic opening ceremonies this Friday (I detected a huge sigh of relief when Ohno told them they'd only be designing womenswear).

I was a lot more excited about this challenge before I realized the Olympians wouldn't actually be wearing the "Project Runway" designs in Beijing, but this episode — probably my favorite this season — still provided plenty of entertainment. (Most importantly, this episode also provided a complete break from the term "-licious" and from Suede referring to himself in the third person.)

The designers were allowed to wander aimlessly/hopelessly through, I mean seek inspiration from the Hall of Fame museum and we learned that many of the designers aren't all that much into sports (shocker, right?!). Conversely, we learned Joe the Token Straight Guy is totally into sports (because, he's straight!) and felt like he had this challenge in the bag.

The teams made their brief stop at Mood, which was only notable for a small incident in which Keith apparently took Terri's fabric. Two things: 1. this is the second week in a row there's been some pseudo-manufactured drama about Keith being an a-hole (I'm not buying it). 2. Terri and her "Oh no you di-in't" established herself as the "sassy black woman" this season, as opposed to Korto, who's the "earthy black woman." (We all know, "sassy", "earthy," and "bitchy/Omarosa" are the only types of black women allowed on reality TV.)

Anyway, I was delighted to see this episode spend a large amount of time in the workroom with the designers. We learned about Korto's past before coming to the U.S. (which makes me think the producers are setting her up for a long, possibly Bryant Park run), Blayne CAN be funny on purpose ("If tanning were a sport, it'd only go up to a bronze medal") and that Joe could use a little self-awareness.

How'd you like his workroom meltdown after Daniel (who ALWAYS looks like he's out of it) re-threaded one of his sewing machines? He claimed that there was too much drama in the workroom because there were too many queens, but Joe was the only one kicking up a fuss.

Tim dropped by for his visit and was made to feel extremely old by Blayne, who had no idea what "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" was, and whose only frame of reference for the Beatles is "Across the Universe." I must be feeling generous this week because I'm NOT going to kill Blayne for that one. I mean, he's a young guy, so why WOULD he be into "Sgt. Pepper's." I realize it's a landmark album, and, personally, I'm aware of the album, but I've never sat down and listened to it — so I can't exactly kill a guy for not knowing the album. That would make me a hypocrite — like Joe.

The runway came and what we got were mostly hot messes that looked more like superhero costumes than something our country's athletes would ever actually wear in public.

The top three were Korto, Terri and Joe, while the bottom three was Jerrell, Jennifer and Daniel. Once again, Stella inexplicably escaped the bottom three (black does NOT equal Olympics), while Kenley was lucky she had immunity because her dress was just as purple as Daniel's.

For the second week in a row, Terri came up JUST short of winning a challenge, though I actually preferred her blazer, pants, etc. combo to Korto's flowy white pants and sporty designs. Still, I can understand why Korto won, since the white outfit seems more like something athletes would wear (if this challenge had any real stakes). Joe settled for third place after designing a skort outfit that was sporty, but not much else. Also, I just don't like the word "skort."

Something surprising happened when the judges critiqued the bottom three. No, not that Jennifer got eliminated for designing her second matronly outfit in a row (ouch!). I mean that outfit was the complete opposite of the Olympics. Also, someone needs to explain to her what surrealism means. To paraphrase Inigo Montoya from "The Princess Bride": "I do not think that word means what you think it means."

No what surprised me is that I actually felt a little bad for Jerrell after Michael Kors openly laughed out loud at his outfit. I don't even particularly like Jerrell, but I was embarrassed for him. I mean, it wasn't that his garment was badly made — it was just completely wrong! Am I actually starting to, um, care for these people?

So what'd you think of this episode? Tim Gunn isn't going to use "holla at cha boy" every week now, is he? Is Apolo Ohno really "one of the most stylish Olympics athletes" as Heidi said? (I thought about it, and I guess he is.) Finally, do bikers REALLY watch the Olympics en masse (as Stella suggested)?

Random Thought of the Moment: Aficionado Edition

As a huge fan of the completely random, I thought I'd write a few words about a trend I've noticed lately. Of course, by "lately", I mean the last week and by "trend", I mean something that happened twice.

I was delighted when actress/comedienne Sandra Bernhard was a guest judge on "Project Runway" this week and was given the title "New York nightlife aficionado." (I mean, is "fan of the New York City nightlife" something you'd actually put on a resume?)

I figured that would be my favorite dubious title of the week until last night, when I was watching HGTV's Summer Showdown, and one of the guest judges was "Little Man" auteur and, yep, "design aficionado" Keenan Ivory Wayans. I mean, who knew that, in between directing terrible movies starring his brothers, Wayans had such an affinity for "design." Former Daily Show correspondent Beth Littleford was a guest judge along with Wayans, but I guess her love of "design" isn't strong enough for her to be labeled an "aficionado."

So what's your favorite dubious title? I'm still a fan of "Charity and campaign worker Heather Mills on "Dancing with the Stars" (I guess, "Golddigger" or "amputee" would've been too direct) Finally, what are YOU an aficionado of? (All I know is that if anyone ever holds a "Carrot cake baking" competition, I'm there as the token "carrot cake aficionado.")

Project Runway Rundown: NYC at Nite

I hate to sound like a grouch, but, three episodes in, I'm just not feeling this season of "Project Runway.

Season 5 just seems like it's stuck on neutral with not enough people standing out. Unfortunately, the ones that HAVE broken through have done so for all the wrong reasons. I don't even care if this seems like an exact replica of my complaints following the season premiere — if Suede can go back to the "Suede rocked it" well again, why can't I? (Honestly, I'm not convinced that wasn't reused footage from last week).

All I know is that, by this point, last year, I already liked Chris March, Sweet P., Kit Pistol, Jack (and I was a few weeks away from warming up to Christian Siriano and cooling off on Rami). With this crop of designers, um, I guess one of the white girls is ok. Terri seems like she'd be fun to hang out with. Joe seems like a relatively sane human being. Daniel seems ok, as he expressed sadness over his dearly departed Wesley, because the two had bonded. Huh? Since Wesley probably got 25 seconds of screen time in two episodes, I'm assuming most of this "bonding" took place out of the camera's view. And by bonding, I mean boinking.

One person I most certainly am not warming up to is Blayne. I tried to give the dude a chance this week, but he crapped all over my potential goodwill as soon as he opened the door to greet Tim Gunn, and called him "Tim-licious." Agent Orange went on creep Kenley out in the workroom by staring at her and claiming he was going to eat her. Ok, maybe this guy really IS this wacky, but his antics still reek of "I wanna be a TV star" desperation.

Tim (wearing a fantastic coat) told the designers they'd be going to a NYC hotspot — leading to the usual customary (and wildly inaccurate) speculation (this time by Jerrell — before notifying they that they'd be taking a trip on a blue double decker bus and scouring NYC for inspiration.

Of course, this challenge instantly reminded me of the Season 2 task that had the designers walking around New York for inspiration, but that one took place during the day, so it was totally different (right?!) For extra fun, since this shoot was at night (taking pictures when it's dark is a bitch), we were treated to a few blurry, dizzying images (Terri's made my eyes hurt). Not the best advertisement for that digital camera, which I'm assuming is the reason Tim didn't pimp it while he was introducing the challenge.

The designers were dropped off in groups at Columbus Circle, Times Square, The New York Public Library and Greenwhich Village. Highlights included Stella struggling to work her camera (probably because it's not made out of leather), a lot of pictures of grungy crap that can be found in almost any major city (although New York DOES have more neon), and almost nothing from the NY Public Library group.

We also had Keith (pictured, right), the one person I felt I had a chance of liking this season, stomping around the city with a bad attitude. That wasn't even what disqualified him from me liking the guy this week — it was his "I'm not here to make friends" crack, which is completely overplayed and should earn him a spot here. Oh well, at least he's still the hot one, according to my girlfriend Erica (and everyone else who's watched the show this season). Personally, I agree, but I think he can probably do without the stupid patch of hair on the back of his head.

In the workroom, the designers were busy trying to make magic out of their pictures. I thought Leann was an early frontrunner for her terrific skirt, which she went on to match with a black top. Everyone else, not so much. Joe commented that Kenley's garment looked a bit too "Ft. Lauderdale" (ooh snap, he didn't even say "Miami"), while Jennifer's dress was deemed matronly.

Then Tim Gunn stopped by and the real fun started. After expressing concern that Emily's dress was nothing more than a black dress with a giant corsage over it (foreshadowing), Blayne and Terri decided today would be a good time to introduce Tim Gunn to the phrase, "holla at cha boy" (Not "holler at your boy") Tim Gunn is the absolute best part of the middle portion of these episodes in the workroom because he has absolutely no idea how cool he is.

After a little more drama involving Keith — he found out that his model had to drop out of the competition, and this was a big deal for exactly two seconds — it was time for the runway show.

I love that this program can go from having an Oscar-nominated and well respected actress as a judge one week, and then a "New York City nightlife aficionado" the next. Don't get me wrong because I'm not dissing Sandra Bernhard, who had my favorite reality show title since "charity and campaign worker, Heather Mills."

The judges picked Kenley (sorry Joe), Terri, and Leann for their top three, while choosing Emily, Keith and Jennifer for the bottom three. Blayne (who basically made a louder version of Emily's dress) and Stella (a fugly leather ensemble) should probably thank the editors for showcasing them so much, making them popular and keeping them out of the bottom three.

The judges' winner was Kenley, which I found to be a completely boneheaded decision. I know Michael Kors liked the poofy "80's power bitch" skirt, but Terri's garment (which could protect you from a mugger in a dark alley, according to Bernhard) and Leann's two-piece ensemble (which REALLY looked like one dress) were miles ahead. Leann wuz robbed.

On the other side, the judges killed Keith for his "toilet paper caught in a windstorm" dress (which I kinda liked, though there WAS a body shape issue), but gave him pass. That left Emily's lame black dress with a salmon corsage and Jennifer's frumpy, too-literal dress, with Emily being sent home for being boring. And for designing an ugly dress. But mostly for being boring.

So what'd you think of this episode? Who's your favorite so far? What is the difference between Leann and Jennifer? Finally, will Joe ever wear anything other than a black T-shirt and blue jeans? Holla at cha boy!

Project Runway Rundown: Gang Green

After a somewhat underwhelming premiere, I was looking forward to this week's episode of "Project Runway," hoping I might get to know and warm up to a few of the designers we hastily met last time out.

Unfortunately, this week's installment basically reinforced how annoying most of the people who are getting significant screen time really are. This was hammered home when, less than a minute in, Suede referred to himself in the third person (and it would be far from the last time).

Heidi brought all the designers together to remind them that this was also a competition for the models. She actually reminded me too, because I'd forgotten, since this is the portion of the program I care about the least.

Then again, the models would play a major role in this week's challenge — they were the clients for whom the designers would be creating a cocktail dress using environmentally friendly (or "green" fabric). Also, in a "Project Runway" first, the models would be the ones shopping for the material.

I have mixed feelings about this challenge. I was glad to see not every challenge this season would be a retread of past challenges. On the other hand, I wasn't really too thrilled to see "Project Runway" hop on the "going green" bandwagon. I don't have anything against the environment, but, to me, (and my non-HD TV) the "green" fabrics didn't look any different to me than regular fabrics. I realize it was probably a greater challenge for the designers to work with that material, but it wasn't really that interesting for me to watch. To this straight guy's eye, it just looked like they were designing a cocktail dress with regular fabric. To me, a more interesting "green challenge" would've been to have them create a cocktail dress just using the color green.

Of course, none of this stopped the designers from griping in the workroom, with Jerrell and Stella duking it out for the bitch of the night award early on. Jerrell, who was feeling "salty," worried (for no reason, it turns out) that his model would come back with terrible fabric while Stella was wishing she could work with leather (she must be a big Tori Amos fan) and dreading that her model/client wanted something flowy. Meanwhile, Wesley was wearing a sweater around his shoulders during his confessionals for extra prep.

Not surprisingly, most of the designers were unhappy with their models unimaginative choices, but went to work anyway. When Stella basically decided to ignore her model's wishes and make something fitted, I was sure she'd be up for elimination again.

Elsewhere, Blayne dubbed Heidi Darth Vader/ Darth Licious because she's crazy on the inside, but outside she's all put-together. The comment also gave Blayne a commanding lead for the Lamest Attempt at Humor Award for the year surpassing, well, no one really. I'm giving him the award right now. This guy's trying WAY too hard to be a reality TV personality. Although, I will say when he made light of Stella's leather obsession he came close to making me laugh for the first time on purpose.

He's got solid competition from Suede who was busy tediously cutting strips of his material, but still found time to refer to himself in the third person more times than I care to count. Bravo TV's poll asked which designer had the craziest quirk — Blayne's Tanorexia, Stella's leather fetish, or Suede's third person thing — I was hoping for a fourth option that let me vote for "None of those are 'crazy', they're just incredibly irritating."

Tim's visit was highlighted by his praising of Korto's dress before realizing it wasn't inside out and calling it a hot mess. That — along with the return of the word "caucus" — was my favorite moment of his in a surprisingly Gunn-light episode.

When it was announced that someone from young Hollywood would be the guest judge, I worried it would be someone from "The Hills" because, unfortunately, that's what "young Hollywood" means these days. At least the show still proved it has excellent taste when Oscar-nominated/environmentally-aware/gangsta-rapping actress Natalie Portman ("Where the Heart Is") showed up.

The runway show began and, for the second week in a row, it was difficult for me to get into because there are just way too many damn people right now. That means worthy dresses (like Terri's and Emily's) got ignored, while at least one fugly dress (Jennifer's) caught a lucky break.

The top three were Kenley, Suede and Stella, while the bottom three were Korto, Wesley and Leann. Stella definitely won the most improved award, despite the fact that Natalie "I don't care for asymmetrical design" Portman clearly didn't like it. I was impressed by her ability to strike a balance between her aesthetic and pleasing the client. Kenley impressed the judges with her personality and design, but I liked her flower-like dress better when Daniel Vosovic made it in Season 2. So Suede won, and I have to say I agree — that guy put a ton of work into his garment and made it look easy. The bad news is we have to put up with this guy for another week.

Korto and her fish dress were safe based on her good work last week, so it came down to Wesley and Leann. I was sure Leann would get the boot since her model was the only one to sort of throw her under the bus when asked if she liked her garment. However, Nina Garcia said, "shiny, tight and short is the quickest way to look cheap." All three applied to Wesley's design, while two out of the three applied to his shorts. Buh bye.

So what'd you think of this episode? How did all the designers know all of the models names when they were picking them? (I guess the same way Howie Mandel knows all the models names on "Deal or No Deal.") Is there anyone out there who actually, seriously thinks it's a good idea to refer to themselves in the third person? Do you like ANY of these people? Finally, Suede is a bisexual — riiiight.