Glee: Holliday In

Even though I’ve been warming up to him lately, Will Schuester is still kind of an ass clown.

That’s why I was pretty happy to see the glee club leader get temporarily sidelined. And in favor of an Oscar winner, no less!

For me, Will at his most likable when he fights for what’s best for the kids. On the other hand, he’s at his absolute worst when he’s putting his own interests ahead of the glee club. That would include staging a musical production to steal someone else’s girlfriend (hello, “Rocky Horror” episode) or forcing his outdated musical tastes on the kids. (I’ll admit I LOL’ed at “There’s GOTTA be a Journey song we haven’t done yet!”)

But out of all the people to come in and take his place…Gwyneth Paltrow?! I’m pleased to report that Paltrow actually kind of killed it as the inappropriate outfit-wearing/Mary Todd Lincoln-impersonating substitute teacher Holly Holliday. Still, although she was pretty strong, Paltrow couldn’t quite help from giving off that indulgent “Ooh, look how cool I am — I’m a respected dramatic actress, so you wouldn’t expect me to be doing this stuff” vibe.

Still, she CLEARLY had a blast, so who am I to begrudge her anything? (We’ll get to her musical “chops” a little later.

Holly was a big hit in the kids with “Glee” club because she let them do whatever they wanted. She later got in trouble with Sue because it turns out that letting a bunch of teenager do whatever they hell they want isn’t a good idea. Who knew?! Still, Will sympathized with her desire to be accepted, and the door is open for the return of Holly Holliday. (Not a porn star nor a drag queen.)

The reason Mr. Schue was out of commission was because of a Sue-orchestrated monkey flu plot that initially took out Principal Figgins, before sidelining Will. It was all part of Sue’s successful power play to become principal. Her first attempt at wielding power, however, failed when coach Beiste pointed out that with no football team, the Cheerios would have no one to cheer for. Why didn’t Sue just have that same girl sneeze on Beiste? (Also, is it just me or is Sue becoming more and more unnecessary to this show from a storyline standpoint? Jane Lynch continues to kill with all her lines, but still…)

Since that didn’t work, Sue decided to take away the school’s tater tots/deep-fried deer poop. (Um, sure…that makes sense…oh wait, this is “Glee”! Nevermind!) That dovetailed into the plot involving lonely Mercedes, who was getting annoyed that Kurt was spurning her to hang out with Blaine and became REALLY incensed when Sue banned tater tots.

To be honest, this plot was so stupid and random (had the words “tater tots” even been uttered by Mercedes on this show before last night? Now she’s obsessed?!) that I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I wish the writers would be a little more creative with their characters’ storylines. Not EVERY Mercedes storyline has to revolve around her appearance. Not EVERY Kurt storyline is required to showcase his struggle with being gay. (Although, I did love Mercedes’ demented hallucination: “I open my mouth and a little purse falls out!”)

The musical performances in “The Substitute” were predictably Gwyneth-centric (you don’t cast an Oscar-winning guest star and put her on the sidelines) and featured a couple of tributes to “Singin’ in the Rain.” Here’s what I tell people about “Singin’ in the Rain”: I don’t know if there’s such a thing as a perfect movie, but I can’t think of a single bad thing to say about it. In short, I adore it.

Keep that in mind when I tear a couple of the performances apart below:

“Forget You”…B-: LOVED the infectious energy from Paltrow and the glee kids in this scene. The only problem is that it didn’t make sense for Holly to be singing this song. (Pick another “Top 40”/current song!) Why would a woman be singing to a man about the “change in my pocket” not being enough? They don’t pay for stuff! This felt like one of the times the show forced a song the producers liked into an episode.

“Make ‘Em Laugh”…C-: This fantasy sequence was a cute tribute and a fine showcase for Matthew Morrison and Harry Shum Jr.’s dancing skills, but ultimately it was a VERY pale imitation of a classic. They just looked silly compared to Donald O’Connor.

“Nowadays”…C+: Rachel continued to be a non-factor this season. Even when it looked like she was going to be the only person to resist Holly’s spell, she eventually caved in. This was a reproduction of the number that closes “Chicago.” It may not have paled as much in comparison as “Make ‘Em Laugh” did to the original, but still…why?!

“Umbrella/Singin’ in the Rain”…B: This was somewhere in between last week’s successful male mash-up and the failure that was the girls butchering two rock classics. Musically it was a bit messy. I was more impressed with the way the music video’s and the movie’s choreography where mashed-up. Also, lavish production numbers like this one is probably why Principal Figgins is always bitching about how there’s no more money for glee club.

So what’d you think of this episode? Was anyone else surprised at themselves for missing Terri or was that just me? Where are the other four black guys at the school? (R.I.P. Matt/Shaft, wherever you are.) Why are the letters “m” and “n” so similar? Finally, didn’t you kind of wish Will’s toddler hallucination went on a little longer? (Or featured a second scene.)

Dancing with the Stars: Going Solo

So many questions surrounding Bristol Palin as we headed into the semifinals.

Is she the worst dancer to make it as far as the semifinals? (I still say Ty Murray was technically worse, even though you couldn’t help but love the guy.) Will she crack a smile? (Almost!) Would she be the worst dancer to ever make it into the finals?

On a night where the judges seemingly threw almost all their paddles numbered “8” and below into the garbage, I can definitely see it happening.

And after watching Monday night’s performances, I wouldn’t even be outraged. I’ll explain why when we start discussing each couple’s two performances — the first of which required a solo from the Stars — in order of appearance.

Let’s get to it:

Brandy and Maks: I didn’t see Maks and Carrie Ann make nice on last week’s results show, but I was wondering if she was going to pounce on them after their paso doble because, to me, this was CLEARLY THE WORST DANCE OF THE NIGHT. Brandy looked frail, scared and intimidated out there. I get that part of that was by design of the routine, but this performance was mostly uncomfortable to watch since Brandy sometimes reverted back to her tentative, robotic movements. I hate to be Conspiracy Theory Guy, but when I saw the judges give her three 9s, I thought to myself, “Oh yeah, there’s no way the judges are going to take the chance that she gets a lower score than Bristol.” The obnoxious cherry on top was her dedicating this performance (set to Katy Perry’s “Firework”) to all the kids who’ve been bullied. (Oh brother.)

Fortunately, Brandy bounced back brilliantly with a beautiful Argentine tango that featured all the attitude and swagger she desperately tried to convey in the paso. She exuded power while also appearing light as a feather during her lifts. This performance was sensational and deserved the three 10s it got!

Jennifer Grey and Derek: I enjoy watching Jennifer Grey on this show as much as the next guy (though not as much as her husband Clark Gregg, who could be seen joyfully stomping his leg and clapping in the front row during her cha cha cha), but do we REALLY think she was perfect last night. Yes, Jennifer’s solo was the hottest of the night (Bruno would definitely agree), but I don’t think she hit certain parts of the dance as hard as she could have. Don’t get me wrong: I’m not outraged that she got 10s (the way I was outraged that Brandy got 9s for her paso), but I don’t know that I’d have given that a 10.

Same goes for her lovely waltz. Granted, the waltz isn’t known as the most showstopping dance style in the first place. Still, I’m way more ok with this 30 because, since it’s nearly impossible to wow us with a waltz, Derek wisely chose to highlight the beauty and artistry of the dance. (Coupled with his audience-pleasing “Mercy” cha cha cha, Derek had a great night yesterday.)

Bristol Palin (pictured, left) and Mark Ballas: Sure, she wasn’t exactly making the dance floor quake when she stomped on it during the paso doble, but I thought she had her best moments of the season (certainly from a performance standpoint) during this routine. Couple that with her typically solid mechanics (and the fact that she kinda looked like Snooki to me) and you have her best dance. (And straight 9s.)

I was even a fan of her bizarrely-dramatic, “Why So Serious” waltz. As with Jennifer and Derek, Mark probably realized he’s not going to get people on their feet with a waltz, and instead chose to go with a straight-faced, artistic interpretation of the dance which Bristol almost pulled off. Sorry, but Carrie Ann was absolutely right when she noted that her face went in and out of character at different points in the dance. I now realize she was never going to completely throw herself into this show, but based on what I saw last night, I’m encouraged to see that she’s trying to do well and put on a show. (Before this week, I was convinced she wanted to go home…and who knows, she still might.)

Kyle Massey and Lacey: What the hell does Kyle have to do to get a 10 from Len? I’m shocked Lacey didn’t pull one of her patented stank faces (featured prominently in the early parts of this episode) after the notoriously-cranky middle judge denied them of a perfect score twice. I had no idea what song they were dancing to during their first-round samba, but I was bopping my head and body along with it anyway, which means Kyle was doing a great job of making me feel his performance.

His “Jai-ho” tango could’ve been a trainwreck, but he brought an impressive amount of swagger to complement his ever-improving technique. Len basically called him the most energetic showman in the show’s history (before withholding another “10”, by the way), which makes me wonder if he can actually win. Out of the three finalists, I think he’s the one most likely to inspire anyone who’s never watched this show to pick up a phone and vote based purely on his performance. Should be an interesting results show tonight. (Nope, still won’t be watching. Sorry.)

So what’d you think of this episode? Are you surprised/annoyed/indifferent that Brandy brought up the fact that she was involved in a car accident that killed a guy? Are you disappointed that Jennifer Grey didn’t bring up her nose job? (Before this show, that was basically her claim to fame for the last 20 years.) Finally, do you think Bristol will make it to the finals? (I think she’s done this week.)

NFL 2010 Week 10 Picks

I don’t like Thursday night NFL games.

I don’t like that they’re only on the NFL Network and unavailable to a significant portion of the country. I don’t like that I don’t have any friends with NFL Network whose couch I can invade tonight. I REALLY don’t like that I have to turn in my week 10 predictions earlier than my customary Sunday at 12:30-12:45 p.m. sweet spot.

Maybe I shouldn’t be so cranky. I had a good week in the picks game last time out (10-3 week, 61-39 overall). Hopefully I can keep it going. (Be sure to let me know if tonight’s game was any good.)

BALTIMORE @ ATLANTA
Atlanta’s pretty good at home, but the Falcons best offensive weapon (WR Roddy White) is banged up, and the Ravens stomped a good Miami team last week as if to say, “Don’t forget about us.” (As if we could ever forget about them — they never stop talking about themselves.)

DETROIT @ BUFFALO
I’m going back into “Not picking Buffalo until they actually WIN” mode after they burned me against the Bears last week.

MINNESOTA @ CHICAGO
The Vikings may be a mess, but a few of their players announced this week that they’re not quitting — no matter how much they hate head coach/lamest duck Brad Childress. Even a cursory effort should be good enough to get past the Bears.

N.Y. JETS @ CLEVELAND
I picked them to beat the Patriots last week, but I’m not going to pick the Browns to beat the Saints, Pats AND Jets in consecutive games.

CAROLINA @ TAMPA BAY
I’m curious to see how the Bucs play in a game where, for the first time in two years, everyone pretty much agrees that they should win. (I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little worried.)

HOUSTON @ JACKSONVILLE
Watch the Texans bounce back over .500 this week…and below next week. And up and down we go! Weeeee!

CINCINNATI @ INDIANAPOLIS
The Bengals are all but mathematically eliminated from playoff contention in the crowded AFC, so all that’s left is to sit back and watch them implode. (I’ve got Chad Ochocinco going off on a rant in two weeks or less, or your money back.)

TENNESSEE @ MIAMI
The Randy Moss Era begins (again!), this time Tennessee, while the Chad Pennington Era returns in Miami. Don’t ask me why, but I’ve got a funny feeling that Chad’s going to somewhat right the ship in Miami.

KANSAS CITY @ DENVER
Oakland ran all over Denver a few weeks ago, so you’d expect the Chiefs’ high-ranking running game to do the same. Still, I’m picking Denver to fool people into having they have a little life left before Josh McDaniels loses his team at the end of the year.

DALLAS @ N.Y. GIANTS
You COULD say the Giants are the cause of the Cowboys’ current misery since they knocked Tony Romo out of the lineup a few weeks ago, but Dallas was sucky WAY before that. I’m mostly going to miss Wade Phillips’ confusedly staring out into the field as everything goes down in flames.

SEATTLE @ ARIZONA
I think the Giants just scored another touchdown on the Seahawks. (And that was in Seattle, where the Seahawks are allegedly good.)

ST. LOUIS @ SAN FRANCISCO
Stage a late-season rally Niners. I’m not ready to lose Wade Phillips AND Mike Singletary in a single season!

NEW ENGLAND @ PITTSBURGH
It comes down to the Steelers looking stout on defense (as usual), and I don’t really see anyone on New England’s roster that can burn them and allow the Pats to have success on offense.

PHILADELPHIA @ WASHINGTON
Last time these two teams played, Michael Vick hurt his ribs and missed a few games. Last times the Redskins played, Mike Shanahan basically accused Donovan McNabb of being dumb (couldn’t grasp the two-minute offense) before amending it to call him fat (didn’t have the “cardiovascular” conditioning). Is there a better possible ending to an NFL game this season than McNabb leading a game-winning drive in the last two minutes? Please make this happen, football gods!

America's Next Top Recap: Statues and Limitations

I don’t possess a good enough vocabulary to describe just how pathetic the final five’s performance was during go-sees last night.

In fact, if it weren’t for a truly cool photo shoot, this probably would’ve ranked as one of the Worst.”Top Model”. Episodes. EVER.

All the ingredients were there for a brutally forgettable hour: mostly uninteresting contestants doing uninteresting things (how much footage of these girls wandering around and sweating must there be on the cutting room floor?) and a painfully-predictable outcome. Not only did the typically-effervescent Chris (pictured, left) repeatedly doubt herself at the top of the hour, but Kayla was there to helpfully remind us for the second week in a row that “Chris is not high-fashion.”

The girls met up with Tyra at IMG modeling where she gave the contestants a quick tutorial on how to build their portfolios. Believe it or not, I find this kind of thing interesting because it gives Tyra the credibility we often forget she has because she acts and dresses like a looney tune so much of the time. Plus, I learned something too: in Italy, they’re called “go-and-sees.” (I said I learned something — I didn’t say it was interesting.)

Each of the girls had four hours to visit four fashion houses. (Remember this: FOUR hours to visit just FOUR fashion houses that are apparently within reasonable walking distance of each other.) As soon as Tyra revealed that one of those fashion houses was Versace, I predicted all the girls would stupidly go there first. (A better idea would be to go there second, since EVERYONE was going there first — you’d at least have another go-see knocked out.) Jane teamed up with Chris, and Ann tagged along with Chelsey and Kayla even though it appeared she wasn’t invited.

Chelsey basically won because she was the only person to make it to two appointments, and because she made it back in time. Jane and Chris made it back about an hour and a half early, but neither booked Versace. Chelsey didn’t book Versace either, but she at least booked her second job. Meanwhile, Kayla is probably still trying to find her way bag to IMG as I type this. Chelsey’s reward was a Versace jacket, which you can was real…”not a knockoff.” (Thanks for the heads-up Kayla.)

Speaking of Kayla, between her second “Top Photo” honor in a row, and Chelsey’s passion and knowledge for the world of fashion and modeling, as well as her growing momentum in the competition had me thinking that they could seriously challenge Ann for the crown. But then I saw how Versace guy’s eyes lit up when Ann walked in the room and he said she was the only one he would book. (Alas, Ann was disqualified for tardiness). That exchange reminded me, “Oh yeah, there’s no frickin’ way she’s not winning this thing.” (Apparently, it also turned me into a guy from Jersey.)

On to the week’s photo shoot which had the girls made up like statues come to life by the love of their sculptor. Or as Kayla preferred to think of it, “EWWW, boys!”

That being said, I have to give her credit for sucking up her discomfort for the second week in a row and delivering a strong picture. I actually don’t think she looked as “alive” as she should’ve, but her body pose was spectacular. (The makeup and photography this week, actually, was pretty terrific.)

My favorite picture of the bunch was Chelsey’s because she actually managed to look like she was taking a breath. Ann also delivered another strong shot, which was easy to predict because she was eagerly engaged in this week’s artistic shoot.

That meant the bottom two was fairly obvious from the beginning. Chris was a lock because she wasn’t high-fashion (thanks again, Kayla), but it was clear she’d be joined by Jane (who went first) as soon as she burst into tears during the shoot. Jane has been criticized for being too stiff and lacking personality, which you think would be great when pretending to be a statue. Instead, it turned out to be a dud.

Coincidentally, it was those tears that convinced Tyra and the judges that Jane cared about the competition (and was capable of human emotion), allowing her to stay. More importantly, Tyra met her quota of “Tears from a ingénue” for the week, which will allow her to live forever.

Goodbye Chris. I hope your aching feet are feeling better. The first instinct when someone tells you that you should be doing comedy when you’re an aspiring model is to be insulted, but I actually think she would be a really good TV host/red carpet personality. At the very least, you’re much cooler than your downer of a sister. (Admit it: you’d forgotten about Chris’ lame sister!)

So what’d you think of this episode? Were the girls’ performance during go-sees too pathetic (which is what I believe) or just pathetic enough? Finally, do you think the show is overly relying on male models this cycle? (Is it because these girls can’t quite shine on their own?)

Glee: The Kurt Locker

Chris Colfer is terrific on this show and I like him as an actor, but Kurt gets on my nerves.

I touched on this during my recap of “Grilled Cheesus” last month, but basically I hate that — as was the case in that religion-themed episode — whenever the show tackles a capital-S Serious storyline, the burden is placed on Kurt’s narrow shoulders. I mean, when’s the last time Lea Michele got to play something other than “Rachel is a nerdy, self-involved diva/bitch”? Why don’t we ever delve into whatever Tina’s are (beyond the fake stutter)?

Look, I have a heart and I feel bad that Kurt feels incredibly lonely as the only openly gay character at his high school. However, I’m sure he’s not the only character on this show who feels isolated, so how come we never really get to see that explored in an extended way? What’s more infuriating is that Kurt himself is often quick to criticize and judge others with some snap-tastic quip, but when someone (figuratively) attacks him, he can’t jump on his high horse quickly enough. Again, this is no slam on Colfer — just don’t forget to give us the witty and brave Kurt instead of saddling us with the one who is moralizing the majority of the time.

I thought we were headed down that same road during the latest episode, but fortunately, “Never Been Kissed” had a few surprises up its prep school blazer sleeve.

The attacks on Kurt when from figurative to literal when that nasty bully Karofsky kept violently pushing him against his locker. (Honestly, that last shove looked like it could’ve broken Kurt’s arm.) Mr. Schue had discovered their competition at the upcoming Sectionals featured the Dalton Academy Warblers, so Kurt took it upon himself to check out the competition and wound up checking out de-facto lead singer Blaine (Darren Criss).

So far, Criss is as strong an addition to the show (giving Kurt someone he can relate to) as Jonathan Groff was last year, in the role of “dreamy singer from a rival singing group.” (Even though my girlfriend Erica is more of a Groff girl.) Jesse St. James might be the reason I kept expecting another shoe to drop in regards to the Dalton Academy. I mean, didn’t that place seem a little TOO good to be true? What’s stopping Kurt from transferring there from McKinley High immediately?!

Blaine gave Kurt the strength to finally confront Karofsky in the locker room and Karofsky planted a big wet kiss on Kurt, who looked as shocked as the rest of us. Blaine and Kurt tried to confront Karofsky, but the big oaf went back to his bullying ways. More significantly, the show went from depicting one “stereotypically” gay character who is tortured (Kurt) to having three gay characters, including one who is closeted, and another one who seems to be perfectly well-adjusted. Great job on the diversity.

Of course, whenever “Glee” takes a two steps forward, it can’t help but take two steps back.

I’ll admit that the whole Beiste = cold shower storyline for our horny teenagers was good for some laughs. (Tina? Really?!) However, any point the show tries to make with Beiste (big, bad people like her can still get her feelings hurt and still want to feel pretty) is pretty much undermined by the fact that the writers decided to call her “Beast.” Make up your mind, “Glee” — is Beiste a serious character meant to teach us not to judge a book by its cover or is she a joke? You can’t have it both ways.

At least Will continued his encouraging path toward becoming likable again. To be honest, I was less impressed by his sweet pity kiss to Beiste (a little condescending) than I was by the fact that he told Beiste the truth when she asked him why the glee kids were lashing out on her. The typically wimpy Will would’ve kept that from her until it blew up.

I also really enjoyed the scenes between Artie and Puck, who was back from juvie. He told his parole officer that he’d perform community service by helping a “crip”, which meant he hung out with Artie during this episode (not that he mentored a gang member). Puck offered to make Artie cool and got them a double date with Santana (who we know NEVER says no to Breadstix) and Brittany, who Artie now likes. (I guess he’s over Tina.) Artie drew the line and dining and dashing and the two had a falling out.

Their final scene of the episode, in which Puck finally admitted that he was scared of going back to juvie and tired of people not believing in him, is EXACTLY what I was talking about earlier in this recap. If that had been Colfer/Kurt, he would’ve gotten a whole episode dedicated to that. Puck/Mark Salling had to make do with a strong scene at the end of the episode. I’ll take it.

I almost forgot to mention the second annual boys vs. girls mash-up competition, with each gender tackling songs originally performed by their counterparts. In fact, now is as good a time as any to talk about the musical performances:

“One Love (People Get Ready)”…B+: I’m not really sure why this performance even happened or was included in the episode (Breadstix must be expensive), but it was very appealing. Mark Salling gave off a cool confidence and it was great to hear that Kevin McHale’s voice didn’t get over-produced to within an inch of its life.

“Teenage Dream”….A: Let’s be honest here — improving on a Katy Perry song is not the most challenging task in the world for a singer. (And I actually enjoy this particular song.) Even if that weren’t he case, this would stand as a great performance on its own. The arrangement was good (liked the acapella group leanings) and the choreography was cheesy greatness.

“Start Me Up/Livin’ on a Prayer”…C: The girls looked great (I loved how there was a random wind machine in the music room. However, this mash-up did NOT work for me. These are two songs that people REALLY enjoy a lot and putting them together in this arrangement didn’t give us enough of either of them. (And I haven’t even mentioned the general tinny-ness of all-girl groups.)

“Stop in the Name of Love/Free Your Mind:…A-: Now THIS is a much better example of what a mash-up could yield. The wardrobe and the choreography screamed “Stop…”, but the attitude and swagger was all En Vogue. Also, these songs aren’t as overplayed as the ones in the girls’ mash-up, making it easier to mix them together in a surprising and pleasing way.

So what’d you think of this episode? Can we agree that Mike Chang was much cooler when he didn’t talk? What was up with the bizarre fireplace in Quinn’s house (I’m assuming that’s where they were) when she was making out with Sam? Where can I get a good set of confetti canons? (You clean it up, of course.) Finally, have you ever thrown the baby out with the bathwater? (Brittany has.)

Dancing with the Stars: Instant Hit

I’ve complained about the overabundance of gimmicks on this season of “Dancing with the Stars” in this very space. I’ve also theorized that the reason the show has trotted out more theme weeks than ever is to distract us from its mediocre crop of dancers.

When I found out about this week’s “Instant Dance” gimmick, I was NOT encouraged. In case you missed it, each of the remaining five couples danced a ballroom round as usual, but for their second performance, they’d be dancing a pre-determined Latin style to a song they picked out of a giant mirrorball.

I MAY have been more excited if “Instant” didn’t actually mean “about one hour of prep time later.” (But even I can’t kill them for that — the male celebs wouldn’t be able to do anything if they had to lead an impromptu routine.)

All that being said I was pleasantly surprised by two developments: 1.) The “Instant Dance” round yielded some of the season’s best performances. (Tom already made the joke about not telling the couples anything about next week’s performances.) 2.) This group of dancers (particularly the top 3) may not actually be THAT bad.

Enough intro-ing. Let’s talk about last night’s couples, in order of appearance:

Kyle Massey and Lacey: Lacey was really tough/screamy on Kyle in rehearsals, but he took it in stride, which made me wonder: does Kyle have the best attitude ever for a “Star” on this show? Discuss.) They were doing the Viennese waltz, which led to this exchange (and I’m paraphrasing) Lacey: “It’s fast.” Kyle: “Well, it’s Viennese.” All right then! I liked the routine, and (like Len) I felt like Kyle vastly improved his posture and foot work. I still thought his arm movements could’ve been a little smoother. I had the routine between an 8 and 9, so I’m not mad that he got straight 9s.

The only thing I remember about his rehearsal for his “Instant Jive” was professional Jackass Steve-O (and former partner of Lacey’s) walking in naked. (I believe a leaf blower was also involved.) Fortunately, Kyle’s fantastic, energetic, infectious (and slightly messy) jive took my mind off of that. He earned the two 10s he got just for his fast and furious side-by-side footwork with Lacey.

Jennifer Grey and Derek (pictured, left): The fact that Broadway legend Joel Grey (“Cabaret”, the “Chicago” revival) is Jennifer’s dad feels like something I should’ve known. You’re not going to believe this, but her balky knees came up again. I don’t have any doubt that she’s in pain, but the fact that it remains the focal point of almost every one of her rehearsal packages makes watching her dance a tense experience. And not in a fun way — it’s more like, “Oh my god, I hope her leg doesn’t fall off!” It’s especially vexing because her bad knee didn’t seem to be an issue at all in either of her routines last night. So it’s almost like I’m worrying for nothing!

Their quickstep was lively, breezy and delightful. Their Instant rumba was terrifically performed, but to me it felt a little like they were posing/stretching rather than dancing at times. I would’ve given her a 9, but I’m not going to begrudge Jennifer her perfect score, especially since my girlfriend Erica said “I wish I could have a body like that when I’m 50.” (My response: “You’re 27…you can!”)

Kurt Warner and Anna: I thought his waltz was his best dance of the season. And if you think that was a backhanded compliment, how about Carrie Ann calling him a “Ken doll for mature people.” (What she meant to say was that he is O.L.D.)

He pulled a “Hella Good” cha cha cha for his Instant Dance. His kids stopped by rehearsal and even they think he needs musicality. I especially enjoyed the Warner child who gave him a 7. Meanwhile, if his waltz was his best dance, then his Instant cha cha cha was his best performance. I would’ve liked to have seen one of the judges slip him a 9 yesterday, since there’s a pretty good chance he’s going home tonight.

Bristol Palin and Mark: We got another appearance from Bristol’s famous mom during her rehearsal this week. My burning question: is Sarah’s husband Todd allowed to talk, or did he simply not say anything interesting enough to air. Either way Bristol’s blank face actually kind of worked for the Argentine tango. (It was easy to believe that she was “kinda upset” if not passionate.) Still, as Carrie Ann pointed out, she needs more power in her legs and movements in general.

On the other hand, her Instant Dance was the closest thing to a disaster last night. She should’ve just stuck with the boob shimmy for the entirety of her samba, which, to be fair, probably WAS the toughest Latin dance a celeb could be assigned for an “Instant Dance.” Mark took the bullet for Bristol (and it DID look like he lost his way for a second), but I’d feel better about her prospects on this show if I believed that she gave a damn.

Brandy and Maks: Finally, Brandy is realizing her “DWTS winner” potential. It’s probably because she finally decided to zip it and just do what her pro told her, even when he was acting like a prick. Their first-round waltz was actually very beautiful and deserved a 30. (I know you’re trying to be helpful Carrie Ann…but NO ONE cares that her neck was a little stiff. Which it was.)

The fireworks REALLY came after Brandy and Maks’ frantic, messy, underwhelming Instant cha cha cha. Carrie Ann was slamming the couple for not dancing enough at the start of the routine, and Maks told Carrie Ann, “Relax, don’t worry about it.” Carrie Ann pointed out that even Kurt had more content in his cha cha cha than Brandy. (I enjoyed how that comment was also a sneaky insult to Kurt.) The whole thing got even more uncomfortable when Maks launched into a mini diatribe defending all the hard work the pros do, as Brandy looked on in horror.

After all that, they still got straight 9s. (The judges want to keep them at the top of the leader board, lest they get knocked off by Bristol’s voting bloc.)

So what’d you think of this episode? Is it really possible that Brandy has never heard of Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream”? Who will be crowned the “Best Worst Dancer” during tonight’s results show? (I might just have to break my rule of not watching stupid results shows to find out.) Finally, who’s going home? (I’m done betting against Bristol — so, I’ll go with Kurt.)

NFL 2010 Week 9 Picks

We’re at the halfway point of the season.

That means we should have a decent idea of who’s good and who’s bad — turns out pretty much every one is kinda bad. (Except for the Cowboys…they’re REALLY bad.)

Me? I’m ok (8-5 week, 51-36 season). Let’s see if, unlike almost every time in the NFL, I can break away and become a dominant power.

TAMPA BAY @ ATLANTA
Maybe I’m being a cynical Bucs fan, but I kind of liked it better when no one was talking about Raheem Morris (pictured, right) and his guys and we were the young team that snuck up on people, allowed 150 yards on the ground and somehow won. People are saying this could be a beating, and usually when most people are saying the same thing about an NFL game/team, it almost never happens. I think people are right about this one.

CHICAGO @ BUFFALO
A few weeks ago, I said that Buffalo needed to prove they could win a game before I picked them to actually win one. I’m going back on it: they’re one of the most entertaining 0-7 teams in recent memory. Also, the Bears are kind of horrible.

NEW ENGLAND @ CLEVELAND
New England is quietly rolling with the best record in the league. The Law of Mediocrity in the 2010 NFL season dictates they MUST be knocked down a peg, and the feisty Browns could be the ones to do it.

N.Y. JETS @ DETROIT
The last time the Jets suffered an embarrassing home loss (week 1 against Baltimore), they rolled off five straight wins and looked like the best team in the league. Good luck with that, Detroit.

NEW ORLEANS @ CAROLINA
The Saints (and Drew Brees) seemed to find their mojo in that big win against the Steelers last week, and I think they’ll keep it up. (Or I hope they keep it up…my Drew Brees-led fantasy team has lost two in a row, and I need to right the ship.)

MIAMI @ BALTIMORE
Baltimore’s really good (probably great), but Miami just gets it done on the road. I suppose they take their talents out of South Beach.

SAN DIEGO @ HOUSTON
It’s about time for San Diego’s second-half turnaround (it seems like TE Antonio Gates would try to play even if both his feet were removed). It’s also time for the 4-3 Texans to fall back to .500 so they can finish the year in their familiar 9-7, 8-8 sweet spot. Be who you are, Chargers and Texans.

ARIZONA @ MINNESOTA
My fantasy football opponent has Adrian Peterson this week, and the Cardinals rush defense is dreadful. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking/drinking/sniffing glue.

N.Y. GIANTS @ SEATTLE
Seattle is REALLY good at home, and the rolling Giants are kind of due for a stinkbomb, aren’t they? Sorry, I can’t. Not with Charlie Whitehurst in the house.

INDIANAPOLIS @ PHILADELPHIA
Are we entirely sure that Peyton Manning couldn’t have me, you, and your grandmother as his receiving corps and STILL not turn us into Pro Bowlers?

KANSAS CITY @ OAKLAND
Game of the week! Seriously…stop laughing! I’ll take Oakland at home until someone proves they can keep them from scoring more than 30 points. (Add that to the list of sentences I never thought I’d type in the next decade.)

DALLAS @ GREEN BAY
Wade Phillips knows he’s going to get fired. At which point does he snap and start doing weird stuff like coaching without pants?

PITTSBURGH @ CINCINNATI
Finally, a nationwide audience will be exposed to just how bad Carson Palmer is.

America's Next Top Recap: Here Today, Gondola Tomorrow

It never fails — if you’re on a reality show and you start talking about how much you miss your kids, chances are you’re going to be re-joining them soon.

And so it came to pass in the latest, relatively uneventful episode of “America’s Next Top Model.” But just because not that much happened (besides the girls flying halfway across the world) doesn’t mean there weren’t enough crazy things to marvel at.

But we’ll talk about Tyra’s pants a little later.

The episode started with Ms. J and the girls taking a bicycle ride around beachy Venice before coming upon a bridge and having a gondolier-berating Tyra roll up on them. In case they hadn’t already guessed, (and Chelsey’s barely-contained scream told me she guessed) the girls were going to that other Venice in Italy.

(Cue the jacked up plane graphic with the models’ glamour shots in on the windows.)

The girls were understandably psyched to be in Venice and in their luxurious hotel. The excitement was understandably tamped down when a bird pooped on a few of the girls, mostly catching Liz. Liz, who is already predisposed to complaining, wouldn’t let it go (according to the editing), much to Chelsey’s chagrin. Personally, I think the bird spoke for all of us and was the episode’s MVP.

For the week’s photo shoot, the girls would be posing three at a time with a Casanova. For a second, I was hoping they’d be posing with this guy. Instead, they posed with a male model. Mostly though, I wondered why they were doing the week’s photo shoot so early in the hour. (No challenge this week?!)

The best photo in the group belonged to Kayla. It wasn’t just because she outshined bottom-twoers Liz and Chris, but because her photo was the most self-assured and sexiest of the bunch. Not bad for someone who had a meltdown last week over having to interact with a man.

On the other boat, Ann struggled for what seems like the 10th straight week to get comfortable with the shoot and with the model. (From a logistic standpoint, it doesn’t make much sense to put the tallest person on the floor of a gondola.) That allowed Chelsey (still radiating cool without looking at the camera) and Jane to gain ground on former eventual winner Ann. (Now she’s merely a clear-cut front runner.)

Jane, in particular, is interesting — not because of anything she said (bring up your history degree one more time, please), but because I think she looks the most what people think models look like. I just don’t know if that’s a good thing or if the judges are looking for someone more unique.

Anyway, rain cut the shoot a little short and Mr. Jay informed the girls they’d be moving on to Milan, which my sources tell me is also in Italy and not Japan. (Milan does NOT equal “Mulan”, Liz.)

Once they arrived in Milan, the girls spent their time being underwhelmed by their apartment, which was small by “Top Model” standards, but pretty friggin’ sweet by real-world standards.

That’s when Tyra and the tightest pants I’ve ever seen showed up to give the girls lessons about “slumming it.” I honestly couldn’t tell you anything she said because I was mesmerized by those pants. Why were they so tight? Why were they so high? Why did Tyra decide to show everyone the outline of her vagina?

Anyway, from there the girls met Italian designer Angela Missoni, who put their girls in her winter collection because…actually, I have no idea why the hell she did that. The show worked hard to show us how hot it was in Venice and Milan, so it obviously wasn’t winter over there. Maybe there was a challenge this week after all, and it involved the last girl to pass out winning jewelry.

Angela was joined by her daughter/model/designer Margherita Missoni, who joined the judges panel and apparently became the object of Tyra’s girl-crush.

The result of this week’s panel was painfully obvious. Liz was always going to be the one to go home. Nigel seemed to still be mad at her for laughing her way through last week’s commercial, and Chris’ photo wasn’t even all that bad. (It was an interesting shot — just wrong for this photo shoot.)

In fact, the main source of drama came from whether or not any of the girls would faint, since they were forced to appear at the panel wearing those absurd winter duds. I’m glad no one passed out because I don’t want to see anyone actually get hurt…and because no one can ever top THIS.

So what’d you think of this episode? If you were on a reality show, would you ever mention your kids? How many times can ALT describe Ann as “incandescent” before it stops being amusing? Finally, who do you think is the biggest threat to Ann’s eventual win: Kayla, Jane or Chelsey?

Dancing with the Stars: 200th Episode Extravaganza

I think it’s fitting that Cheryl Burke accidentally summed up what “Dancing with the Stars” is all about when she tried (in vain) to get Bristol Palin to do a sexy shimmy during the show’s 200th episode.

“It’s not embarrassing…it’s hot.”

As a “Dancing with the Stars” nerd who has seen every performance episode except this season’s premiere (that’s not embarrassing…it’s hot, right?) I’ll admit to geeking out at seeing past alums return to captain dance teams, serve as guest judges and awkwardly stand up to receive tepid applause.

Last night, this season’s remaining contestants squared off in a team challenge before performing “iconic” routines from years past. Let’s see how they did, starting with the team challenge.

Team Kristi: This team consisted of Rick, Bristol and Kyle and appeared to be at a distinct disadvantage from their more front-loaded opponents. (Both Jennifer Grey and Brandy are probably better than anyone on this team.) I was ready to cry foul until I saw that Kristi Yamaguchi owned the first pick – and selected Bristol Palin. I know Mark Ballas is her guy, but DAMMMNNN!

That being said, I actually quite enjoyed their Michael Jackson-inspired routine. Not surprisingly, their group work was better than their individual segments, with Rick and Kyle standing out and the judges praising Bristol for keeping up (i.e. not completely embarrassing herself) alongside the two female pros.

Team Apolo: Soul patches for one and all! Not that we needed any more proof that Apolo (Not Anton?) Ohno is one of the show’s most popular contestants, but the cheers he got whenever he appeared dwarfed those of pretty much every returning celebrity. The guy is so cool, he doesn’t even have to show up in person to pick his team.

Their rehearsal package for their routine – based on Apolo and Julianne’s “Bust a Move” freestyle – was pretty much a microcosm of what these couples do: Jennifer had to take time off because her body was killing her, Brandy and Maks argued, and Kurt made a joke about how he’s nowhere near the top of the leader board. Team Apolo’s routine was pretty good, but I wouldn’t really say that it was DEFINITELY better than Team Kristi’s. Jennifer, specifically, looked like she was having trouble keeping up during her portion with Derek. Still, the team featured the best two dancers, so you knew they were going to get the higher scores. (Why should the 200th episode be exempt from shady judging, right?)

Kyle Massey and Lacey: True confessions time: my all-time favorite DWTS couple are Mel B and Maks, and my favorite routine is their paso doble, which Kyle and Lacey had to take on. I was happy to see Mel B back on the dance floor (she taught us all the origins of why everyone grabs Tom’s butt) but I was nervous for Kyle and Lacey. Fortunately, they didn’t try to ape the original routine and, instead, adapted it to Kyle’s strength, while still keeping enough of what made the original great. I also enjoyed Kyle’s painted on abs. (Maybe I should stop killing myself every day after work and just get a Sharpie.)

Kurt Warner and Anna: They took on season 2 winner Emmitt Smith’s tango routine, and this is where I first suspected that the show would be stretching the definition of the word “iconic.” I also suspected that each of the guest judges would be awarding 10s after Kurt received one from Emmitt following his slightly stiff, slightly lurching, but oddly-passable tango. (Emmitt actually did make a good point during judging when he pointed out that Kurt brings his shoulder up because football players are taught to protect their necks.)

The highlight with these two, as usual, came during the rehearsal footage, when Anna strapped on a helmet and tried a few drills at an Arizona Cardinals practice. My favorite part was seeing Cardinals receiver Larry Fitzgerald when Kurt stopped by – that’s the happiest I’ve seen him all season.

Bristol Palin and Mark: Bristol and Mark had big shoes to fill in taking on Kelly Osbourne’s waltz – just ask Kelly Osbourne, who told the couple they had “big shoes to fill” during her critique. Alright then. I already lightly touched on Bristol’s blah attitude during the team dance, and she brought said blah attitude to her routine with Mark, who basically guilted her into smiling to mimic Kelly’s joyous original performance.

Bristol smiled for about the first 10 seconds, but then went back to her go-to constipated face and occasionally-forgotten steps. I’m not a hater, but this is a gots-to-go situation.

Rick Fox and Cheryl: Rick put his own twist on Helio Castroneves’ quickstep by wearing a garish green suit instead of Helio’s garish banana-colored suit. The Jolly Green Giant’s quickstep was technically good, not great – good posture, but a little slow for my taste. Anything he did on the dance floor was overshadowed by the crazed look on his face, which was supposed to convey joy, but actually screamed “Why so serious?!?!”

Still, the highlight was when girlfriend Eliza Dushku (Tru Calling in the house!) stopped by rehearsal, said “This is how we rehearse at home”, and straddled Rick. Be honest: for a little more than a second, you thought they were going to have sex.

Brandy and Maks: Gilles Marini seemed to genuinely enjoy Brandy’s take on his “Fever” foxtrot, so why did he only give it a “9”. (I can see why Bristol couldn’t get a “10” from a guest judge…) Brandy looked strong throughout this dance, more secure on the floor and in the performance aspect. I’m guessing Gilles busted out the 9 because of the alleged mistake in front of the judges table (I rewound and I THINK I saw it). I love how Len completely disregarded the mistake, even if it made him seem a little crazy.

Jennifer Grey and Derek: If you’re a fan of this show, and you hear Drew Lachey’s name, you think “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy.” That’s just the way it is. Ok, MAYBE you think “Thriller” paso doble. My point is that the tango Jennifer and Derek took on is, at best, the third most popular Drew Lachey routine and not exactly iconic in my book.

The judges tripped over themselves in re-establishing Jennifer as a favorite this season (a phoenix? Really?) She deserved the praise because her tango was really good, but I found myself feeling a little uncomfortable while she was dancing. Jennifer really seems to be struggling physically, and when I watch her dance I can’t help but feel like Derek is going to break her. Sometimes the show throws up contrived obstacles for a season’s front runner, but Jennifer appears to be in real pain, so I don’t think that’s the case. Still, I kind of wish her rehearsal packages didn’t always focus on her ailing health because that’s all I can think about when she performs.

So what’d you think of this episode? Was anyone happier to be back than Cameron Mathison? What did Stacy Keibler and Tia Carerre talk about all night? Finally, who do you think is going home tonight? (It feels like Bristol’s turn doesn’t it? Then again, you could’ve probably said that for the last two or three weeks.)

NFL Week 8 Picks

I was offline for the better part of last weekend, but now I’m back with a new batch of predictions (sure to go wrong).

Then again, I actually fared decently way back in week 6 (10-4 week, 43-31 season) so let’s take a look at what’s in store for week 8.

MIAMI @ CINCINNATI
Miami’s lost to some really good teams, and they’re actually a little better on the road. Plus, the Bengals are pretty sucky. (Don’t pay attention to those relatively close final scores – that’s mostly Carson Palmer padding his stats in garbage time when the other team stopped trying.)

JACKSONVILLE @ DALLAS
I still haven’t gotten the bad taste of watching the Jags play on Monday Night Football a couple of weeks ago. I was ANGRY at how bad that game was.

WASHINGTON @ DETROIT
Definitely tempting to take the Lions at home (especially now that they’re getting healthier), but they seem to be a trendy pick this week. I’m sticking with the Skins, who have found a way to win close games more often than not this year.

BUFFALO @ KANSAS CITY
More interesting from a fantasy standpoint than from a real-life standpoint. Hey, at least Ryan Fitzpatrick (pictured, left) has made the Bills interesting from ANY standpoint. The Bills aren’t going into Arrowhead and coming out with a win.

CAROLINA @ ST. LOUIS
Nice win by the Panthers last week and tough loss by the Rams in Tampa last week (fortunately, only 800 people saw it in person). I expect the Rams to bounce back with a big win at home. (Which is a sentence I’ve already typed more than once this year – didn’t see that coming!)

GREEN BAY @ N.Y. JETS
Not a good scene for the Packers. Banged up team going on the road…against a good team (with a great defense) coming off a bye…coming off an emotional, draining win. This has letdown written all over it. (I mean, would even Packers fans be mad at them for losing this one?)

DENVER @ SAN FRANCISCO
Sorry, England.

TENNESSEE @ SAN DIEGO
Although it’s fun to watch the Chargers come up with new, creative ways of losing games (false start right before a potential game-tying kick), it’s about time they start turning things around, no?

TAMPA BAY @ ARIZONA
I want to go with my heart, but I’ve seen the Cardinals at home – they’re a different team. (A good team.)

MINNESOTA @ NEW ENGLAND
I realize people are obsessed with whether or not Favre plays, and Randy Moss coming back to New England. I’m flipping this matchup around a bit – this is a HORRIBLE matchup for the Vikings defense (which thrives on putting pressure with their front four) against Tom Brady and a New England offense which is back to dinking and dunking people to death like it’s 2003!

SEATTLE @ OAKLAND
As good as Arizona is at home, that’s how bad Seattle typically is on the road. (Even though I applied this same logic two weeks ago, and the Seahawks beat Chicago on the road.)

PITTSBURGH @ NEW ORLEANS
Pittsburgh could be the best team in the league – but New Orleans NEEDS this one. Badly.

HOUSTON @ INDIANAPOLIS
You’ve gotta go with Peyton Manning at home in primetime. Mostly though I’m hoping for a high-scoring game since three of my offensive fantasy starters are prominently involved.