America's Next Top Recap: Not-So-Extreme Makeovers

The makeover episode on each cycle of “America’s Next Top Model” is an eagerly-awaited highlight for regular viewers of this ridiculous…

…which is why it’s such a shame that this one was so terrible!

Things got off to a promising start when the models got back to the house and unveiled a tarp that revealed cryptic phrases like “Short Dutch Boy” written on a wall. (What does it mean?!)

Unfortunately, once the models went to the salon to get their makeovers courtesy of stylist Laurent D., the changes Tyra had in store for the girls were major snoozers.

To summarize, long-haired girls got even longer hair (whether they were brunette like Monique and Mikaela or blonde like Kasia), curly-haired people got curlier hair (Jaclyn) and bitchy people got bitchier. I mean, seriously, Alexandria? You’re going to tell people at a professional salon that has styled A-list celebs like Tina Fey and Jennifer Garner how to do their job?!

Then again judging by the way they completely butchered Molly’s weave, I’m thinking they’re not so infallible after all. To her credit, Molly maintained a decent sense of humor throughout the ordeal (even though she was CLEARLY upset) and didn’t let it affect her work. More on that a bit later.

The only girls who got noticeable changes besides Molly were Dominique (a big, disappointing blast of crimson hair), Sara (a shorter ‘do that made her look even more androgynous, much to her chagrin) and Brittani (recipient of the “Short Dutch Boy” and winner of Best Makeover by default because she’s really the only one who pulled it off.)

No reward challenge this week, so we got some more Alexandria abrasiveness at the house and the week’s photo shoot, in which the girls paired up and modeled couture gowns in a garden. It was pretty much as boring as it sounded (especially a week after the bees), but it did yield some awesome shots.

My favorite was Molly’s shot (her partner Kasia was also strong), who had EVERYTHING going on and should’ve been awarded top photo honors just for enduring that horrible weave. (Maybe that’s why Lori Goldstein had everyone wear hats.)

Instead, top photo honors went to Alexandria, who had a REALLY strong photo but acted like a fidgety diva on-set. Personally, I thought Molly deserved the win over Alexandria on merit, but even if you liked Alexandria’s photo a little better, what kind of message does giving her top photo honors send? You’re basically rewarding her bitchy behavior. Also, if she’s this bad now (when she’s a nobody) how much worse is she going to be if she ever becomes a successful model?

The rest of the pictures were fairly solid. I didn’t even think Sara, who joined Dominique in the bottom two, was that bad.

In the end, it was always going to be Dominique who got sent home. She was completely disconnected from the photographer in the shoot and, since she was part of the only threesome of models that posed for photos, she was completely disconnected from the girls in her own shot.

The bottom line is that, although Dominique’s freckles made her stand out and she seems like she actually has a personality, she had absolutely no idea how to model. (Which is understandable at this early stage in the competition, since they haven’t learned anything.) Unfortunately, it led to a series of blah photos and her inevitable ouster.

So what’d you think of this episode? Which looked worse — Molly’s weave or Miss J’s hair during the makeovers? How unfortunate are those John Galliano references two weeks in a row? (“A little John Galliano never hurt anybody”…unless you’re JEWISH!) Finally, is this the worst makeover episode you can remember or was it really not that bad?

American Idol: Idol Worship

A belated Happy International Woman’s Day to you all!

That wasn’t the only cause for celebration last night. The season 10 finals kicked off with the top 13 taking the stage

The finalists were tasked with performing Songs by their Musical Idols, which brings up the burning question: is Rihanna ANYBODY’S musical idol?! (I’m thinking maybe Willow Smith’s, but that’s about it.)

I’m not usually ConspiracyTheory Guy, but do the producers of this show really expect us to believe that Naima Adedapo (pictured, right) — the seemingly soulful, throw-back songstress — looks up to Rihanna as her musical idol? Is it even possible to be older than your “musical idol”?! (Naima is older than Rihanna.) Also, it just so happens to be a coincidence that Naima worked this week with Tricky Stewart, the producer who originally worked with Rihanna on her smash “Umbrella”?!?! I call shenanigans!

Even though I’m not sure I buy Naima as a reggae-rapping dancing fool, I didn’t hate her performance. Then again, I also didn’t hate Jordan Dorsey’s disastrous take on Usher’s “OMG” because both performances were like a big, bright, shining beacon of crazy in an ocean of ballads we’ve heard on this show too many times. As I said last week, performing a Rihanna song is smart because there’s a good chance you can improve on it. Unfortunately, Naima sounded as out-of-breath and off-key as Rihanna sounds when the pop star sings “Umbrella.” If Naima was set on singing that song, she might’ve been wise to explore the Mandy Moore arrangement.

But then again that would’ve deprived us of, for better or worse, a truly singular performance. Just like with Melissa Leo during Oscar season, it’s becoming slowly apparent that Naima may be insane…and I’m ok with that. I overstand.

My sources tell me that other people sang last night, so I suppose I’ll talk about them too.

My favorite singer of the night was James Durbin. Yeah, seriously! I was immediately encouraged by his surprising (meaning “non-metal”) choice of Paul McCartney’s “Maybe I’m Amazed.” He started out ever-so-slightly rough, but he quickly found his groove. He was able to dial it WAY back, while still providing an ample showcase for that powerhouse voice of his. Not only was this the first time I didn’t find him completely off-putting, but I thoroughly enjoyed him. Most importantly, he ditched the fabric tail!

Maybe he can give Jacob Lusk a lesson on dialing it way back without losing any of your punch. Although those high notes Jacob was hitting at the end of “I Believe I Can Fly” were truly remarkable, I feel like he’s just yelling at us at this point. Even worse, Randy was right in pointing out he went off-key and seemed out of control at certain points.

As a result, the award for Best Use of a Gospel Choir goes to Casey Abrams. His take on Joe Cocker’s version of “With a Little Help From My Friends” may not have been as transcendent as his Hollywood Week breakthrough, but it was still rock solid. I’m already a little worried that my expectations for Casey are so high that even a solid performance last night seems a bit underwhelming, but that’s my own damn fault.

I’m not quite at that same point with Scotty McCreery, but I can foresee a scenario a few weeks from now where all his performances sound a bit same-y and I’m ultimately disappointing when he’s merely “good.” That being said, Scotty was strong last night with his take on “The River”, but I was most struck by the thunderous response from the crowd. This kid isn’t going anywhere for a while. (Says the guy whose pick to win “Top Model” this year quit the competition the following week.)

On the ladies side, I once again have to give Pia Toscana the gold star. It’s not as enthusiastic a gold star as last week, but still. When an “Idol” contestant takes on a song by the holy trinity of female vocalists (Mariah, Whitney, Celine), they’re in a no-win situation unless they radically re-work it. So even though, Pia sounded really good on this song, there was no way she was ever going to sing it better than Celine, so this wasn’t as much of an out-of-nowhere stunner as her performance last week. Fortunately, that shiny dress she was wearing was definitely a stunner.

James, Casey, Scotty and Pia were pretty much the four people I really liked. The rest were either disappointing or exactly as bad as I thought they’d be.

I guess my best of the rest was Haley Reinhart. I can definitely see how Randy thought her cover of “Blue” was sleepy, but it was still sung very well. I just hope Haley finds a way to be a more dynamic singer without resorting to her “sexy” moves because she really has a pretty great voice.

My biggest disappointment of the night was probably Stefano Langone, who sang Stevie Wonder’s “Lately.” His producer somehow convinced him that a brutal disco mix was a good idea, and Stefano seemed to struggle to hit some of the notes. However, when he was on (usually during the high parts), he sounded pretty good. A terrible jazz arrangement on Charlie Chapman, I mean Chaplin’s “Smile” almost derailed Thia Megia. I can appreciate that she’d want to pep the musically melancholy tune up, but for the second week in a row the music has distracted from her voice. She’s been at her best when she’s singing with little or no musical accompaniment.

I was disappointed in Paul McDonald’s take on Ryan Adams’ “Come Pick Me Up”, and I’m personally offended by the notion that if I didn’t like this performance I don’t “get” Paul. Well, I’ve liked Paul up until this point. However, I also thought the low part at the beginning was painful, the chorus was unpleasantly nasal-y, and that he was generally dancing around the stage like his choreographer was Jack Sparrow. At least he finished strong. Bad news when the highlight of your segment is Seacrest making fun of your moves.

I can’t say I was disappointing in Lauren Alaina because I’m not as high on her as everyone else. Her “Any Man of Mine” was a fun song that was performed competently. Nothing more, nothing less. If anything, she seemed a little out of breath on the up-tempo number. Lauren might want to work a bit on her slightly pissy attitude (imagine if the judges had actually been harsh to her), but at least she had “fun out there.” (That makes one of us.) Mostly, I’m just waiting for Lauren to be as good as the judges keep telling me she is.

That leaves Karen Rodriguez and Ashthon Jones as the two worst performers of the evening.

OF COURSE, Karen picked a Selena song (“I Could Fall in Love”), but she could’ve at least made up for her totally predictable choice by singing it well. Instead, she labored the whole time in what was the evening’s most painful performance. Whenever Seacrest or one of the judges (in this case J.Lo) starts making excuses for you (Karen couldn’t hear herself well), you know you’re in trouble.

Finally, there’s Ashthon Jones who took on one of Diana Ross’s less well-known songs and sang it pretty badly. The best backhanded compliment of the night came when the judges praised Ashthon for her ability to get back on pitch after going sharp or flat. (She had plenty of practice on this song!) I like that Ashthon challenged herself, but doing a mediocre job on a song that no one knows is a surefire way to punch your ticket home.

So what’d you think of this episode? Should anyone besides Rihanna attempt to sing Rihanna songs? Why did Jimmy Iovine insist on wearing those headphones for his mostly useless interviews? Finally, who do you think is going home tonight? (I’d be surprised if it’s not Ashthon. She didn’t have fan support last week — which is why she was a wild card pick — and she gave a thoroughly forgettable performance that also wasn’t train wreck-y enough — hi Naima! — to rally her fans to save her.)

Glee: Talk Sex

“Too Much?”

I feel like Mr. Schue’s note to Holly Holliday in the middle of an intentionally over-the-top musical number accidentally summed this episode up.

Except that I’d replace the question mark with an exclamation point.

Here’s a quick rundown of the storylines covered during last night’s one-hour episode (which is actually closer to 45 minutes when you factor in commercials):

- Rachel and Quinn were the only two members in the Celibacy Club led by Emma. They were eventually joined by Puck, Lauren (possibly playing footsie), Santana, etc…
- Quinn and Finn got back together. (Can these two ever make out without leaving some sort of incriminating evidence on each other?)
- The Warblers became obsessed with trying to be sexy after Sue psyched out Blaine and Porcelain. (This just in: whenever you decide that you have to TRY to be sexy, it’s not going to work.)
- Blaine tried to school Kurt on the finer points of sexy.
- Kurt and Burt had “the talk.” (No, not THAT one.)
- Brittany and Artie had a pregnancy scare.
- Santana declared her love for Brittany.
- Emma and Carl revealed that they’re having issues in their sex life (namely that they don’t have one) AND possibly broke up.
- Lauren and Puck decided to make a sex tape until they’re informed that it would technically be kiddie porn.
- Mr. Schue appeared to hook up with Holly Holliday. (Will’s “I happen to be an excellent educator” when Holly said she needed to learn about romance made me throw up so much that I can still smell some vomit on my arm hair.)

Now I’m always complaining that the show doesn’t always fully take advantage of its talented young cast, but this ridiculously over-stuffed hour felt like five or six episodes jam-packed into one.

Even with all that going on, Gwyneth Paltrow (back after earning raves as Holly) still somehow managed to be in almost every scene. I was actually pleasantly surprised by how much I liked Paltrow on “Glee” the first time around. While she once again gave a very good performance, I found her to be a more intrusive presence this time around. I guess there was no way for me to be pleasantly surprised this time around. Paltrow’s scenes felt as forced as her repeated attempts at a music career.

“Sexy” was so all-over-the-place that even one of the episode’s best scenes felt completely off. Santana’s declaration of love to Brittany was played beautifully by an increasingly excellent Naya Rivera (and nicely underplayed by Heather Morris), but it was SO dramatic and SO sad that it felt like it belonged in another episode. (Or another show.) Instead of genuinely moving me, it just knocked me off balance in an ultimately unsatisfying way.

The one scene the episode DID get right was Burt talking to his son about sex for the first time. Burt went to a clinic and got Kurt pamphlets that dealt with the physical aspects of gay intercourse, but it was his words on the emotional side sex that really hit home. In the end, he told his son he should use sex “as a way to connect to another person.” He also advised Kurt to not throw himself around like it didn’t matter because his son DID matter. Excellent job by Mike O’Malley and Chris Colfer.

Still, am I the only one that wishes “Glee” would lighten up a little? Sure, the one-liners are still as sharp as ever, but the show has decided to tackle underage drinking and teenage sexuality in consecutive episodes. I actually really enjoyed “Blame in on the Alcohol”, but I hated this episode. Besides being overstuffed, the episode didn’t bring anything new or fresh to the issue of sexuality. On top of that, even though it’s not a choice I’ve personally made, I didn’t appreciate how the episode predictably made celibacy a punchline. It’s lazy.

Either way, it’d probably be better if “Glee” veered back toward being a musical comedy and away from an Afterschool Special tackling an “Issue of the Week.” What’s next? Drugs? I hope not…it already kind of seems like someone one drugs is putting this show together.

Speaking of which, let’s get to the particularly ambitious musical numbers:

Do You Wanna Touch Me…B: The vocals were firmly on the tinny side, but the fierce choregraphy and dancing from Paltrow, Rivera and Morris mostly made up for it in this intentionally silly number. The lesson, as always, is that every time you have sex, you have sex with every person your partner had sex with…and everyone has a “random.”

Animal…B-: I really liked this song, and I thought the acapella arrangement was very good. However, if the goal was for the Warblers to show that they were sexy, they failed. Darren Criss and Co. are naturally super smooth, so watching them “try” made them come off as dorky. Also, where’d they find an abandoned warehouse? Why did it turn into a foam party? I have so many questions!

Kiss…B+: A tango to Prince’s “Kiss”? I honestly thought it was going to be a disaster. However, the choreography was really good (I wish the editing wasn’t so frenetic on this show) and Matthew Morrison and Paltrow’s voices sounded really good together. (Morrison, in particular, is a generous duet partner.)

At the very least, it was better than this.

Landslide…C+: A pretty rendition of this song, but Santana (or Brittany) REALLY should’ve had the lead. This song was the best example of Paltrow being shoehorned into every storyline in this episode.

Afternoon Delight…D-: It was so short that it was basically a waste of time. It was also a complete waste of John Stamos. Finally, “Arrested Development” did the joke about the song not meaning what you think it means better and funnier years ago.

Other than that, I really liked it.

So what’d you think of this episode? Was there anything funnier last night than Rachel’s face when Brittany was explaining that she was pregnant because a stork had built a nest outside her window? What exactly did Sue put into her epic coffee? Who could say no to a night of “Sweet Valley High” and making out with Santana? Finally, who’s your “random”?

Jersey Shore: Toilet Humor

Last night saw the return of a wretched character that seems to have haunted “Jersey Shore” and dominated the narrative for the better part of this season.

That disgusting toilet!

It feels like that toilet has been clogged for six months, but last night the cast finally decided to get proactive (after an ill-fated attempt led by Ronnie) and called a plumber to vanquish that appalling beast. Well, they called Danny the Landlord/Boss, and HE called a plumber, but still…

Two brave souls appeared —Snooki was crushing on one of them, naturally — and unclogged the drain. Turns out one of the guys had tried to flush a wife-beater down the toilet. Not one of the guys would cop to flushing the shirt (I believe Ronnie had the phrase “Deny, Deny, Deny” copyrighted in Miami), but the girls seemed to think it was Vinny, since the shirt is apparently the same style he favors. Me? I think Vinny was framed! Oh wait, no I don’t because I don’t really care about the toilet, and now I’m happy that we don’t have to talk about it anymore.

Oh yeah, Sam’s back in the house too (and Deena was “hecstatic” to see her), which is where last night’s episode picked up. Ronnie initially reacted as awkwardly as you’d expect from someone who just saw their ex for the first time (and someone who’s an idiot). Sammi told him he looked pale (zing) and he responded that it was because he’d just seen a ghost and awkwardly laughed. No one else laughed with him.

The group went to the most aptly-named club in the world (Karma) to celebrate Sammi’s return. Sammi was trying to do her single lady thing, but Ronnie kept following her around like a lost puppy, according to Snooki. (And according to the video evidence.)

To be honest, I didn’t even remember was Sammi was like on her own and separate from being one hellacious half of the Ronnie/Sammie Magical Misery Tour. It turns out she’s kind of cool. She firmly rebuffed Ronnie’s advances and instead focused her energy on helping Snooki deal with her “heartbreak.”

I’m not going to spend too much time on this because I’ve covered this before. It’s very simple: Vinny is just NOT into Snooki. (Well, except for that one time that “Moby Dick” was IN Snooki.) Of course, it would help if he stopped saying things like “I love you” (though it’s obviously in a playful/friendly way), but Snooki appears to be the only person who can’t see that Vinny just doesn’t have any feelings for her in “that” way.

I have a feeling that deep down Snooki knows this too and that the fact that she was pretty drop-dead drunk is mostly what led her to bust into Vinny’s room while he was “getting it in” with a Dominican girl. (Pauly, in an adjacent bed, didn’t seem perturbed by the barge-in. Meanwhile, Ronnie scooped her out before things got worse.) I’m guessing the drunkenness is also what led to Snooki’s subsequent crying. In fact, Snooki was pretty much playing the role of Sammi in this episode by cocooning herself in her bed.

Snooki perked up when her and the rest of Team Sober (Ronnie and Sammi) decided to revenge-prank The Situation after his taxi gag last week. They seemingly took every cheese in the house and spread it underneath his pillow.

When Mike returned with his 21 year old (he’d creepily made her show him some ID at the club) that night, he smelled the cheese and kicked her out of the house. J-Woww and the rest of the cast convinced him that the girl had an STD and the final few minutes of the episode because a sort of weird, not-at-all effective sex-ed PSA.

So what’d you think of this episode? What will J-Woww pee behind next? Was there any chance at all that Deena was going to be a decent driver? (Pauly spilled all the coffee he wasn’t drinking!) Is there any way Snooki came up with that “Moby Dick” line on her own? Finally, are you FULLY gay? (Awesome!)

America's Next Top Recap: Bee Prepared

This is more like it!

After a season-opening episode that was light on drama (or anything else that might be interesting), the latest cycle of “America’s Next Top Model” officially kicked off Wednesday night with an episode that featured raw chicken, dead siblings, and bees!

I feel like we found out more about some of these girls in the first five minutes of this episode than we did in the entirety of last week’s hour. For example, we learned that Molly is adopted and eternally grateful to the family that raised her. We also learned that Dominique kind of eats like a pig and that Ondrei has two brothers who have died.

(Needle scratching on record sound)

Yes, Ondrei has two brothers who died — one of them relatively recently — but the oddest thing was the way she casually dropped this bombshell. Since one of them died right before Ondrei joined the competition, some of the girls wondered if 100% of her attention was dedicated to becoming America’s Next Top Model.

As for Dominique eating like a pig: I’m guessing that was brought up as a way to segue into the segment where Tyra brought her nutritionist, Heather Bauer, to the house. Heather taught the girls about “cheaties”, foods that seem bad for you but really aren’t. This segment was pretty much a giant snooze, although I DID learn that spaghetti and meatballs is healthier than an eggplant parmigiana (yay!) if you’re trying to become a model (nevermind).

Speaking of food, Dalya discovered some raw chicken marinating in barbecue sauce in a bowl inside the fridge. For some reason, this really bothered Dalya and since the chicken belonged to abrasive Alexandria it incited the first dust-up inside the house this season. (It wasn’t the smartest way to marinate the chicken for whatever.) The main point this scene drove home is that Alexandria (so bossy last week) is this season’s villain. Because god forbid we decide on our own who we like and who we don’t like.

I’m not entirely onboard the Alexandria-is-evil bandwagon for two reasons: 1.) I don’t like being manipulated or told how I should feel. 2.) I thought it was absolutely hilarious that Alexandria was openly laughing at Jaclyn as she tearfully confronted her own insecurities about how no one takes her seriously because of her high voice and babyface.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that the models visited an acting coach who had them confront their own worst critics: themselves. More specifically, he had them draw a representation of that inner nagging voice and then had them confront their most serious issues, which would allow them to be more open as models (or something). Ondrei predictably spoke about how two deceased brothers, while Molly confronted the mom who gave her up for adoption…so you can see how Jaclyn’s issues weren’t exactly on the same level as some of the other girls.

The week’s photo shoot was introduced by a pun-happy Mr. Jay. The good news is that the girls would bee taking beauty shots and modeling jewelry. The bad news is that the jewelry would be covered in pheromones designed to attracted bees. (Not the bees!!!) They would also be photographed by Mike Rosenthal, who kinda looks like Grayson from “Cougar Town” at his douchiest.

None of the girls had serious issues with the bees (even though Jaclyn is allergic to bees). In fact, even though Hannah started crying, it was because she was doing a bad job up to that point and not because of the bees. Monique called Hannah pathetic, which made me think that maybe Monique (not Alexandria) is the actual bitch of the season. Monique didn’t sympathize with Ondrei either, saying that Ondrei should go home and quit taking up a spot if her heart wasn’t in the competition.

Well Ondrei did just that, quitting the competition at the start of panel and making anyone who may have picked her to win this season look like an idiot. Oh well.

Monique may or may not be the bitch of the season, but I think she absolutely delivered the best photo of the night. She DID look a little evil, and, as Tyra said “evil is better than blah.” I also liked Mikaela’s striking photo and Brittani’s salon-worthy shot more than I liked Hannah’s shot (pictured, left), which won top honors this week. Yes, the crying ended up working and she deserves credit for rolling with it, but I can’t fully give her props for stumbling onto a good photo.

Even though Ondrei quit, Tyra said she would still eliminate someone if they had a worse photo than Ondrei. In my opinion, both Dalya and Nicole fit the bill, but Nicole was sent home after being unable to translate her youthfulness to her photos for the second straight week. (She really did look like a haggard 26 year old in her picture.) I would’ve booted Dalya, who has a strong face, but no idea what she’s doing at all. Her only good shot was the one in which her eyes were closed! Come on! Old-face deserved another chance!

So what’d you think of this episode? Do you have a salon in your home? Anyone else really miss “Cougar Town”? Finally, how long is Andre Leon Talley seriously going to wear a feather duster in his hair?

Justified: He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother(-in-Law)

Never try to keep a man from his estranged son’s birthday party.

That’s the lesson we learned on the latest episode of “Justified”, and it’s especially true if that man is a desperate killer trying to put his life back together in a halfway house.

When we first met Clinton, he was trying to get himself (if not the bathroom) clean and spiffy so that he’d be granted his day-pass to see visit his son on his 12th birthday. Unfortunately, the director of the halfway house was a hardass stickler who took Clinton’s day pass away, leading an irate Clinton to beat him savagely and escape.

Now I liked Clinton, and I felt bad for him. At first it was because he was played by Larenz Tate (an incredibly likable actor most recently seen on “Rescue Me”). On top of that, the halfway house director WAS being pretty harsh. Even though it became increasingly difficult to sympathize with Clinton as he left more gunshot victims in his wake — including drug dealer/aspiring magician Flex — I still didn’t get the sense that this was a sick, criminal mastermind. (Or an “eight heads in a dufflebag” kind of guy, as Raylan might put it.)

This was confirmed when we found out that he was Rachel’s brother-in-law and responsible for the death of Rachel’s sister. That revelation accomplished two things: 1.) It allowed us to get to know, arguably, the most underused member of this ensemble a little better. (Even Art called Rachel, pictured, right, his best marshal.) 2.) By letting us know that Clinton had gotten into a car accident while he was high, killing Rachel’s sister, it confirmed that he wasn’t necessarily evil…he’s just one of those unfortunate souls who seem to live under a gray cloud their entire lives. I mean, even Rachel’s mom felt bad for the guy…after he’d tied her up in her own house!

The climactic scene at the pizza place where all of Clinton’s victims converged veered a bit too far into the ridiculous for my taste. (The only thing missing was Rachel’s mom showing up.) I thought the dark comedy in a later scene with all the suddenly gun-happy marshals was much more effective. (Tim was jealous that Raylan got to shoot his own dad, and the humor was designed to help Rachel cope with shooting Flex.)

“For Blood or Money” was both jam-packed and a breezy hour.

The temptation of Boyd Crowder seems to be complete, since he now appears to have been roped into an armored car job. It’s terrible timing for him because it seemed like lonely Ava was beginning to warm up to him in more ways than one, but I can’t really blame Boyd. He desperately wanted to stay clean, but the pitch for the armored car job — capped off with him looking like a hero — really did seem like it was too good to be true…which it probably is.

We also got some idea as to how Gary plans to win back Winona: he’s going the martyr route. He summoned her to his office and asked for a divorce. That meant he’d take the house and all the debt that comes along with it. Winona, who is already confused about which of her husbands she wants to be with, was especially susceptible to Gary’s mind games. Raylan saw right through them. Unfortunately, Raylan appears to be getting so wrapped up in his competition with Gary (and vice versa), that he’s pushing Winona’s interests in the back burner.

Finally, I suspected that we hadn’t heard the last of the oxy bus after last week. This show has a penchant for keeping certain plot threads unresolved and read to wreak havoc for Raylan and Co. In fact, Raylan used one of those plot threads — the guys who were threatening Gary last season — to send a message to the oxy bus hijacking victims (aka the Dixie Mafia): don’t look for revenge and stay out of Harlan.

Of course, we all know there’s a zero percent chance that’ll happen, and I’m guessing the Dixie Mafia will clash with the Bennetts toward the end of this season. (Maybe the Miami cartel will also put in an appearance for old times sake.)

The episode opened with a terrific scene that once again brought Raylan face to face with Mags Bennett and her boys. Timothy Olyphant’s effortless cool and authority was on full display, and Margo Martindale matched him every step of the way as Mags’ gentility believably melted away to defensiveness and rage (the rage coming when Raylan was gone).

More importantly, I’m officially paranoid every time she offers anyone something to drink or eat.

So what’d you think of this episode? Do you think Dickie and Coover will try to take Raylan out anyway? (They are in dire need of reading comprehension skills.) Which guy do you think Winona will choose? Finally, will Boyd go through with the armored car job or will he drop out/have a change of heart?

American Idol: That's What She Sang

I’ve complained a few times about how the female singers in this year’s competition are neither as good nor as interesting as the fellas.
Basically, I was setting myself up to be pleasantly surprised by Wednesday night’s All-girl performance episode…and it pretty much worked!

Sure there were a few clunkers, but — based on yesterday’s performances — the judges have more than enough options to help them put together a legitimately strong top 13.

Unfortunately, that top 13 will almost certainly NOT include Ta-Tynisa Wilson or Rachel Zevita.

It was bad enough that coming into last night the only two things we knew about Ta-tynisa were 1.) she doesn’t know the lyrics to “I Hope You Dance” and 2.) she has no idea how hyphens are supposed to work. She got stuck performing first because there’s a good chance we’ve forgotten about you by the end of the show. Choosing to sing “Only Girl (In the World)” was not horrible idea in theory: you take a current song originally performed by an artist who isn't exactly a vocal powerhouse (Let's just say there's room for improvement on a Rihanna song.)

The only problem is that this did nothing for her voice other than make it seem like she was yelling at us. I still have no idea whether or not she can sing, and I have a feeling I won't find out since she'll be gone.

As for Rachel Zevita…she wins best dressed last night, and that’s pretty much it. Her performance of “Criminal” WAS totally Broadway. Rachel seemed completely insulted at the suggestion that she's a "Broadway" singer. (I think she'd be really fortunate to have that career.) Bottom line: if you're going to dramatically whip off a cape at the start of a performance, you NEED to follow that up with amazing singing. Rachel did not.

I also don’t feel like the outcome is particularly rosy for Naima Adedapo, Julie Zorilla, Haley Reinhart and Lauren Turner.

I like Naima a lot, and she's been one of my favorite singers in this competition. That last note in her performance of “Summertime” WAS pretty great. The problem is that the rest of her performance was WAY too cheesy, although I may just be feeling that way because of her ridiculous Chiquita banana dress(?) Julie, on the other hand, is a great looking girl who is thoroughly uninteresting to listen to. J. Lo lightly slapped her on the wrist for not connecting with her lyrics again, but Julie’s main problem is that her version of “Breakaway” paled in comparison with Kelly Clarkson’s original. (Then again, whose wouldn’t?)

The same thing pretty much happened to Haley Reinhart, who took on “Fallin.’” Besides the fact that I’m pretty much DONE with hearing that song on this show (or anywhere else, really) Haley did have a decent amount of stage presence, even if her “sexy” moves were a little misguided. Her biggest problem is that she brought nothing new to the song besides that growl of hers.

I give Lauren Turner a better chance of surviving than the previous three singers because I remember really enjoying her performance of “Seven Day Fool” when I was watching it. The problem is that I couldn’t tell you a single thing about it today. I believe she’s displayed the pipes and the personality to earn another week on the show, but I’m not sure she made a strong enough impression with the voting audience to get it.

I should probably lump Ashthon Jones because she didn’t sound her best last night, and if you listen to her performance of “Love All Over Me”, it was actually slightly gross. Still, I think that she has a really good amount of star quality, and I can see why the judges kind of root for her to do well. I believe she’ll get another chance to show what she can do.

I’m not 100% sure she deserves to be in the top 13 on merit, but Lauren Alaina will absolutely be there. Her take on Reba McEntire’s “Turn on the Radio” a good, pleasant, entertaining performance, but nothing special in my book. Through no fault of her own, I just can’t shake the feeling that the show is working WAY too hard to make her “happen.” Either way, she really does look a bit like Kelly Clarkson.”

As for Karen Rodriguez, I’m neither sure whether she deserves to be in the top 13 on merit nor am I sure whether she’ll actually make it. But I’m curious to find out, so I guess that counts for something. Singing portions of “Hero” in Spanish was incredibly savvy because there was otherwise really nothing special about this performance (which could’ve been seen at a Miss USA pageant). I also agree with Randy in that she sounded a little better singing in Spanish, which also discouraged unfavorable Mariah Carey comparisons.

That means my three favorite performances of the night came from Kendra Chantelle, Thia Megia and Pia Toscano.

I still need to see a little more from Pia, even after her strong rendition of “I’ll Stand By You.” Watching this, I pictured the “Idol” producers listening to her in rehearsal (and the way she finished so gloriously) and falling all over themselves to give her the episode-ending pimp slot. When I originally saw that she was going last, I was like “Her?” But then it all made sense. I’m curious to see if she’s more than a one-week wonder.

I’d say out of all the contestants last night, Kendra Chantelle made the biggest leap and did the most to help herself. (And I’m not even talking about the fact that she had the sexiest performance on Wednesday.) I still wouldn’t say she has the strongest voice in the competition, but after hearing her sing “Impossible” I think she’s one of a select few contestants that I can actually see being a relevant artist in 2011. And, for better or worse (mostly worse), that’s more valuable than being able to shake the rafters with your voice.

Finally, there’s Thia Megia (pictured, left) who, true to the spirit of her song “Out Here On My Own” took the stage and sang the first portion of her song sans musical accompaniment. I thought she sounded terrific, and I kind of wish she’d sung the whole thing acapella. Her voice of freakishly good for someone so young (oh oh…Randy Jackson alert!), and I’m looking forward to finding out what else she can do…

…provided she makes it to the top 13.

So what’d you think of this episode? Are you liking Randy in the role of “sensible judge”? (I think he’s been shockingly un-awful!) What did the singers last night have against those poor mic stands? Finally, which of the girls do you see qualifying for the top 13?

American Idol: Ushering in a New Era

This is not going to be easy.

Coming into Tuesday night’s performance episode — which featured the male half of the top 24 singing for our votes for the first time this season — I suspected that the guys would have a much harder time standing out because there generally seemed to be stronger, more distinctive voices on that side of the competition.

I was sort of right.

I count only three singers that I would bet my life on advancing to the finals (if we lived in a world where people were killed for getting “Idol” predictions wrong), three singers who I hope didn’t bother to unpack all their stuff and SIX singers who I can feasibly see joining the Sure Things in the finals.

(If you’re scoring at home, that’s nine out of 12 singers who can realistically lay claim to a stake in the finals.)

Let’s get the hopeless fools out of the way first.

Even writing the phrase “hopeless fools” immediately brings to mind Jordan Dorsey (pictured, right), and his stunningly misguided decision to sing Usher’s “OMG.” This was so bad I don’t even know where to start. “OMG” is in no way designed to show off a singer’s voice. Jordan made no changes to radically alter the song and opted to perform it as a pale imitation of Usher. Finally, there’s the fact that even USHER doesn’t sound good singing this song! (Why do you think he always tries to distract us with awesome dancing and lasers?)

Other than that, I really liked it. (Seriously though, I DID like the fact that he at least dared to take on something current…did we need to hear “Superstition” again?)

Jordan’s only hope is that his fans will save him. The only problem is that his douchelord behavior during Hollywood Week pretty much alienated any fans he could have gained. Oh well.

I’m putting Jovany Barreto and Tim Halperin alongside Jordan in the bye-bye pile. I feel more confident about Jovany going home after a pretty, but completely safe and forgettable rendition of “I’ll Be.” I’m not as sure that Tim is done. He SHOULD be, given that he squandered whatever momentum he gained during his Beatles duet with Julie Zorilla by singing Rob Thomas “Streetcorner Symphony (Come on Over)”, which ended up being the musical equivalent of a flat-line. Still, the producers and the judges really seem to like him. I still say he’s done because I have a hard time imagining that his bland performance inspired anyone other than a direct relative (or someone who likes nice eyes) to vote for him.

Then there are the sure things, Scotty McCreery, Jacob Lusk and Casey Abrams.

At this point, Casey Abrams seems like a shoo-in for the top 3 even if I have no idea what kind of music he’d release as a contemporary artist in 2011. His version of “I Put a Spell On You” was bizarre, intense, and more than a little crazy. In other words I loved it. Unlike a lot of contestants last night, Casey moved around the stage like a natural. My favorite thing about him is that the fact that he has a pretty great voice is, like, the third or fourth thing you notice about him.

Many of the things I said in the previous paragraph could be applied to Jacob Lusk, except that I just don’t like him. (I admit…it’s personal.) Jacob once again displayed remarkable control and power in his voice that was surpassed only by his dramatic side-glances during his take on “A House is Not a Home.” He’s got a terrific shot of being an incredibly successful lite FM artist in the early 90’s.

My favorite performer of the night (along with Casey) was actually Scott “Baby Lock Them Doors and Turn Them Lights Down Low” McCreery. I don’t know what a John Michael Montgomery is, but I thought Scott’s version of “Letters From Home” fit him like a glove, and that comfort translated favorable to his performance. Erica Colon (my gf) called it, “The most professional performance last night.”

I’m tempted to put Brett Loewenstern — who may have had the LEAST professional performance of the night — with the sure things because he seems like someone the fans would really connect with. I’ll even admit that I actually enjoyed watching him sing “Light My Fire”, even if it was completely wrong for him. Less enjoyable was watching the unintentionally intentional dramatic hair flips and the way he robotically stalked the stage like he was desperately trying to hit his marks.

So if I have Casey, Jacob, Scotty and Brett getting four of the five (pre-wild card) slots, that leaves five guys battling for one position.

Will it be James Durbin, who brought Judas Priest to the “Idol” stage and, for the second consecutive time, actually displayed fantastic control over that potentially annoying instrument of his (just like Jacob)? I like that James did what he does, even if jumping around and rocking out on the Idol stage like it’s 1982 won’t ever get you the “Idol” crown (or people to take you seriously). I just wish he didn’t look like such a giant, f---ing poser. (Last night, we found out he wears the tail to stand out — because being Asperger’s/Tourette’s guy isn’t enough.)

Will it be Clint Jun Gamboa, who had the double whammy misfortune of 1.) performing first and 2.) singing a song that’s been done to death on this show (and everywhere else) in “Superstition”? If I’m so down on him, then why do I have him in the maybe pile? Well, it’s because, objectively, he’s got one of the five strongest voices in this bunch. (And maybe in the whole competition.) I also don’t want to underestimate the number of people out there who like plastic glasses.

Will it be Robbie Rosen or Paul McDonald? Robbie sang Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel”, and for some reason Jennifer Lopez told him that he made better choices with the melody. (I didn’t even realize what he was singing until he got to the “chorus.”) Meanwhile, Paul took on Rod Stewart’s “Maggie May” in a groovy, confident performance that seemed to be as much about entertaining Paul as it was for the audience. The bad news is that Robbie and Paul might not get enough votes to advance. The good news is that I believe the judges would definitely pick them as wild cards.

That leaves Stefano Langone (?!) as my final choice to garner enough viewer votes. Even though we saw J.Lo hilariously wince during one of his high notes, he did a more than passable Bruno Mars impersonation that showed off his strong voice. He’s also likable, and he’s being framed as an underdog.

So what’d you think of this episode? Was it just my TV or were all the guys getting a little drowned out by the music? (Could’ve been the snazzy new stage setup, I suppose.) What was up with the tiny collars on J.Lo’s dress? Finally, which of these five guys do you see getting voted through to the finals? (And would you be shocked if the judges use all three of their wild card slots for guys?)

John's 2011 Oscar Picks

Even though I just finished slaving away over my top 10 of 2010 list, I figured I'd try to sneak in some Oscar picks too.

Truth be told, it was kind of fun because 2010 ended up being a pretty solid year for movies. (Whereas last year, it kind of felt like we had to strain to find 10 Best Picture nominees.)

Anyway, I hope you don't mind if I just jump right in. Below you'll find my official pick for who I believe WILL win tonight, as well as who would actually get my vote.

(Warning: My picks will become completely arbitrary as we get to the more obscure categories.)

Best Picture
Black Swan
The Fighter
Inception
The Kids are All Right
The King's Speech
The Social Network
127 Hours
Toy Story 3
True Grit
Winter's Bone


Will win: The King's Speech
Should win: Toy Story 3


What John Thinks: "The King's Speech" had Oscar written all over it even before it opened at your local movie theatre. "Toy Story 3" will never win because voters will see its inevitable Best Animated Film Oscar as enough of a reward. I wonder if there will soon be a year when a highly-acclaimed animated movie bypasses the Best Animated Film category and pushes all of its chips onto the Best Picture race.



Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role
Annette Bening (The Kids are All Right)
Nicole Kidman (Rabbit Hole)
Jennifer Lawrence (Winter's Bone)
Natalie Portman (Black Swan)
Michelle Williams (Blue Valentine)

Will and should win: Natalie Portman.

What John Thinks: I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I think she gave the best performance out of any actor last year.



Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role
Javier Bardem (Biutiful)
Jeff Bridges (True Grit)
Jesse Eisenberg (The Social Network)
Colin Firth (The King's Speech)
James Franco (127 Hours)

Will win: Colin Firth
Should win: Jesse Eisenberg

What John Thinks: Firth will be an extremely worthy winner for his triumphant and crowd-pleasing turn in "The King's Speech", but I'd give the trophy to Eisenberg for his fearlessly abrasive performance and the way he made Aaron Sorkin's challenging dialogue sound like it was written especially for him.


Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role
Christian Bale (The Fighter)
John Hawkes (Winter's Bone)
Jeremy Renner (The Town)
Mark Ruffalo (The Kids are All Right)
Geoffrey Rush (The King's Speech)

Will win: Christian Bale
Should win: Geoffrey Rush

What John Thinks: I'm going to be thrilled for Bale because he's long overdue and he's incredible in "The Fighter", but Rush (a past Oscar winner) was my favorite thing in "The King's Speech" and worthy of the prize.



Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role
Amy Adams (The Fighter)
Helena Bonham Carter (The King's Speech)
Melissa Leo (The Fighter)
Hailee Steinfeld (True Grit)
Jacki Weaver (Animal Kingdom)

Will win: Melissa Leo
Should win: Amy Adams

What John Thinks: Leo's been mostly cleaning up at the major award ceremonies, so she's likely to do the same at the Oscars. (Even if there's a chance that she might be a little crazy.) I'd give the award to Adams, who radiated strength and toughness (words not usually associated with Amy Adams), as well as love in "The Fighter." Steinfeld is also a strong contender, but that was CLEARLY a lead performance, so I wouldn't give her my vote since she doesn't belong in this category.



Best Animated Feature Film of the Year
How to Train Your Dragon
The Illusionist
Toy Story 3

Will and should win: Toy Story 3

What John Thinks: Duh! It's the only one of these that's also up for Best Picture, so which do YOU think the Academy likes the most.



Best Documentary Short Subject
Killing in the Name
Poster Girl
Strangers No More
Sun Come Up
The Warriors of Qiugang

Will win: Killing in the Name
Should win: The Warriors of Qiugang

What John Thinks: Obviously, I haven't seen either, but "Killing in the Name" sounds appropriately grave. Meanwhile, I'd like to see "The Warrios of Quigang" win just so I could watch whichever poor soul is presenting struggle to pronounce "Quigang."



Best Short Film (Animated)
Day & Night
The Gruffalo
Let's Pollute
The Lost Thing
Madagascar, carnet de voyage (Madagascar, a Journey Diary)

Will win: Day & Night
Should win: The Gruffalo

What John Thinks: Pixar's "Day & Night" will win, but I actually thought it was one of their weakest offerings. I'm going with "The Gruffalo", which is also my nickname for Mark Ruffalo.



Best Short Film (Live Action)
The Confession
The Crush
God of Love
Na Wewe
Wish 143

Win and should win: God of Love

What John Thinks: "God of Love" has this on lockdown. Someone please let me know if I'm wright, since I'll probably be in the bathroom during this part.



Achievement in Art Direction
Alice in Wonderland
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1
Inception
The King's Speech
True Grit

Will and should win: Inception

What John Thinks: Since "Inception" will likely be shut out of most of the major awards, I expect it to mostly clean up in the technical categories. I'm not sure how much of "Alice in Wonderland" was art direction, and how much was green screen. "The King Speech" could pull a slight upset.



Achievement in Cinematography
Black Swan
Inception
The King's Speech
The Social Network
True Grit

Will win: True Grit
Should win: Black Swan

What John Thinks: "True Grit" was a big hit and has the second most Oscar nominations out of any movie this year. Yet outside of this category and Steinfeld for Supporting Actress, it has little chance of winning anything. I say the Academy throws them a bone. I'd give the prize to "Black Swan" and its stunning, urgent camera work.



Achievement in Costume Design
Alice in Wonderland
I Am Love
The King's Speech
The Tempest
True Grit

Will win and should win: The King's Speech

What John Thinks: Again, I'm just not sure how much of the stuff in "Alice" was actually there. I'm playing it safe and going with "The King's Speech", which is what the Academy is likely to do as well.



Achievement in Directing
Darren Aronofsky (Black Swan)
David O. Russell (The Fighter)
Tom Hooper (The King's Speech)
David Fincher (The Social Network)
Joel and Ethan Coen (True Grit)

Will win and should win: David Fincher

What John Thinks: The actual race appears to be between Fincher and Tom Hooper. In my world Fincher would be battling it out with Aronofsky. Either way, I'd give Fincher the edge for crafting an entertaining movie out of a bunch of guys sitting around dorm rooms, huddled around computers or sitting at a deposition.



Best Documentary Feature
Exit through the Gift Shop
Gasland
Inside Job
Restrepo
Waste Land

Will win: Inside Job
Should win: Gasland

What John Thinks: The Academy will want to look current by honoring a film about our country's economic meltdown. I'm going with Gasland because...it's the only one I've seen (a little bit of).



Achievement in Makeup
Barney's Version
The Way Back
The Wolfman

Will win and should win: The Wolfman

What John Thinks: Makeup artist Rick Baker is a legend, and I suspect his makeup work was probably the best part of a crappy movie. He'll take the Oscar over weak competition.



Achievement in Film Editing
Black Swan
The Fighter
The King's Speech
127 Hours
The Social Network

Will win: The Social Network
Should win: Black Swan

What John Thinks: My real "Should win" is "Inception" (how the heck is it not up for Editing), but I think "The Social Network" will take the prize for keeping the pace moving and interesting.



Best Foreign Language Film of the Year
Biutiful (Mexico)
Dogtooth (Greece)
In a Better World (Denmark)
Incendies (Canada)
Hors la Loi (Algeria)

Will and should win: In a Better World

What John Thinks: It won this category at the Golden Globes, so, um, there's that!


Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures (Original Score)
How to Train Your Dragon
Inception
The King's Speech
127 Hours
The Social Network

Will win: The Social Network
Should win: Inception

What John Thinks: "The King's Speech" is a possible spoiler, but I don't think the Academy will pass up the chance to seem hip and give the prize to a deserving Trent Reznor. (But not TOO hip, since Daft Punk weren't nominated for "Tron: Legacy.") Meanwhile, I'd give the Oscar to "Inception" composer Hans Zimmer. Thanks to dozens of YouTube videos, we now know his "Inception" score instantly makes ANYTHING seem more exciting.



Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures (Original Song)
"Coming Home" from Country Strong
"I See the Light" from Tangled
"If I Rise" from 127 Hours
"We Belong Together" from Toy Story 3

Will win: "If I Rise"
Should win: "I See the Light"

What John Thinks: I see this as the only realistic chance for the Academy to honor "127 Hours." I'd give it to "I See the Light" from "Tangled", because I actually have a clear recollection of the song. (On the other hand, I saw "Toy Story 3", and I LOVED "Toy Story 3", but I have no idea what the hell "We Belong Together" is supposed to be.)



Achievement in Sound Editing
Inception
Toy Story 3
TRON: Legacy
True Grit
Unstoppable



Achievement in Sound Mixing
Inception
The King's Speech
Salt
The Social Network
True Grit

Will and should win: Inception

What John Thinks: I'm taking "Inception" to win both "Sound" categories even if I STILL have no idea what the difference between them is.



Achievement in Visual Effects
Alice in Wonderland
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
Hereafter
Inception
Iron Man 2

Will win: Inception
Should win: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I

What John Thinks: "Inception" will win because no movie was smarter about the way it utilized its visual effects to serve the story, but I'd reward "Harry Potter" for its consistently excellent (and now-underappreciated) effects. (Including several characters who were completely computer generated.)



Adapted Screenplay
127 Hours
The Social Network
Toy Story 3
True Grit
Winter's Bone

Will and should win: The Social Network

What John Thinks: Aaron Sorkin's verbose and rapid-fire screenplay is a lock.



Original Screenplay
Another Year
The Fighter
Inception
The Kids are All Right
The King's Speech

Will win and should win: The King's Speech

What John Thinks: I gave "Inception" a strong look here, but it IS a little heavy and clunky on the exposition. That's why I'm going with "The King's Speech", which turned a potentially stuffy and specific story and transformed it into a film with universal appeal. (I'll let other people fight over how true to life it was.)

John's Top 10 Movies of 2010

Yes, I’m a slacker, but I promise that’s not the reason I’ve waited until now to share my Top 10 Movies of 2010 with you.

I don’t live in New York or L.A., so some of the year’s best movies — which the studios typically hold back until December — don’t come out in my area until January or even February. And that’s if they come out in the Tampa Bay area at all! (I’m still annoyed that “127 Hours” seemed to only play at my local theatre for roughly 127 hours.)

So I usually wait until just before Oscar night to release this list as I frantically try to watch as many Oscar contenders as I can (just caught “The Kids Are All Right” last night) because when I complain about someone being robbed at the Oscars, I want to actually know what I’m talking about.

I’m not a movie critic, so I don’t see everything. Still, I managed to see 42 movies that were released theatrically in the U.S. in 2010.

Before we get to the top 10, let’s hand out some preliminary awards:

BEST MOVIE THAT YOU WOULDN’T EXPECT TO BE AS GOOD AS IT WAS
The Crazies: This is a delightfully nasty piece of work about a small Iowa town whose citizens turn into homicidal maniacs. It has terrific action, Timothy Olyphant in the lead role (rarely a bad thing) and it doesn’t try to do too much.

WORST MOVIE THAT’S EXACTLY AS BAD AS YOU’D EXPECT IT TO BE
The Human Centipede (First Sequence): I’ll let the trailer explain, even though you can probably guess what it’s about. I sat down expecting plenty of “so bad, it’s good” laughs, but — other than a gleefully bananas performance by lead actor Dieter Laser (yes, that’s his real name) — the movie simply turned out to be a truly disgusting piece of work.

BEST REASON THAT MY GIRLFRIEND ERICA AND I WILL CONSIDER WATCHING ANY AMANDA SEYFRIED MOVIE FROM HERE ON OUT
Chloe

BEST CONFIRMATION AS TO WHY ERICA AND I WILL CONSIDER WATCHING ANY ANNE HATHAWAY MOVIE
Love and Other Drugs

WORST MOVIE OF THE YEAR
The Last Airbender: Once again, I’m grading on a curve here. I’m sure there’s a decent chance that something like “Vampires Suck” is worse than “The Last Airbender.” But I still think M. Night Shyamalan is WAY too talented to be making movies this bad. (IS he though?)

WORST MOVIE OF THE YEAR (NON-M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN DIVISION)
The Human Centipede (First Sequence): Let’s congratulate our first multiple winner this year!

BEST MOVIE NO ONE SAW
It’s Kind of a Funny Story: Yes, it can be dismissively summarized as “teenage One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”, and it’s got some indie movie quirks, but I also think it’s a really effective character study with a really strong cast led by Zach Galifianakis in an Oscar-worthy turn. (Seriously.)

We’re almost at the top 10, but let’s recognize the movies that just missed the cut.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Shutter Island: Yes, the “twist” is pretty much given away in the trailer, but this still turns out to be an involving, stylish, affecting drama. Also, THIS was Leonardo DiCaprio’s best work last year.

The Town: Very tight and entertaining crime movie from director Ben Affleck that isn’t quite as effective as a love story. Still, Affleck leads a great cast and is quickly establishing himself as one of the most promising directors working today.

True Grit: Really good performances from its three leads (Jeff Bridgets, Hailee Steinfeld and Matt Damon), and the movie LOOKS fantastic. (Credit should go to Oscar-nominated cinematographer Roger Deakins.) Even though I didn’t want the movie to be a quirk-fest, I still feel like the Coen Bros. played it a little safe. It didn’t seem like a movie that was DEFINITELY directed by them.

The Kids Are All Right: The ensemble worked fantastically-well together (Oscar nominee Mark Ruffalo, especially is at his scruffy, most-appealing best) in this really good, refreshingly traditional movie about a non-traditional family. The only problem is that the movie pretty much lost me in the second half. (Without giving anything away, I REALLY don’t think I was rooting for who the movie wanted me to be rooting for.)

The Fighter: Probably the year’s best ensemble cast, and the toughest cut from the top 10. The reason “The Fighter” is here and not grouped together with the movies coming up is because I thought it was basically a good (not great) family/sports drama that is elevated by amazing acting.

THE TOP 10

10. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Part I): Forget all the expectations director David Yates and Co. have on their shoulders to finish this gargantuan movie franchise in a satisfying, entertaining way (plus do justice to J.K. Rowling’s books). Despite the fact that it’s designed to leave us hanging, this movie delivered action, drama, humor and heart thanks in no small part by great performances from its three young leads, who have grown up before our eyes and become impressive actors.

9. Easy A: The year’s most quotable comedy has a chance to become this generation’s female-driven, teenage flick. (Following in the steps of “Clueless” and “Mean Girls.”) Emma Stone gave the star-making performance we all figured she had in her.

8. Kick-Ass: Pulling off a clever, funny critique of superhero movies is tricky enough, but “Kick-Ass” also managed to be a, well, kick-ass superhero movie in its own right when it examined what would happen if an average kid put on a costume and decided to fight crime.

7. The King’s Speech: This soon-to-be Best Picture winner transcends its Oscar-bait surface to be one of the year’s most moving dramas. Colin Firth and (especially) Geoffrey Rush are excellent in a story about friendship and courage disguised as a stuffy historical drama.

6. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World: The year’s most energetic action comedy hit plenty of sweet sports for young people (indie rock, videogames), but it still managed to be a sneakily sweet love story. Michael Cera subtly and effectively recalibrated his “Michael Cera” persona to give his best performance to date.

5. Black Swan: Yes, if you pay really close attention, there’s a decent chance the storyline doesn’t add up. Still, Darren Aronofsky’s psycho-sexual ballet thriller is impressive in its audacity and its exploration of obsession and artistic perfection. Oh, and there’s also the part where Natalie Portman gives the best performance out of any actor last year.

4. Inception: Christopher Nolan’s mind-bending adventure came out SO long ago (at least it feels that way), that detractors have had more than enough time to pick apart its imperfections. Still, I’m here to celebrate the immaculate skill with which Nolan assembled his thriller, and the fact that he thinks enough of his audience to give them an ambitious, structurally complicated blockbuster.

3. The Social Network: Yeah, it’s “the Facebook movie”, but what makes David Fincher’s excellent drama so impressive is that its themes (friendship, betrayal, wanting to belong) are completely universal. Still, since it IS “the Facebook movie” Aaron Sorkin’s screenplay also found a way to dramatize and capture the moment where the way that people relate to each other changed. (For the worse?)

2. Toy Story 3: The original “Toy Story” is one of my favorite movies. It felt like we’d dodged a bullet when “Toy Story 2” not only turned out to be not-horrible, but it was actually pretty great! With “Toy Story 3” it felt like they were REALLY pushing their luck. We should’ve known better. Sure, the beats are familiar (toys feel unwanted, get separated from each other), this “Story” was told with such impressive heart, skill, humor and intelligence that it’s hard not be in awe. I haven’t even mentioned the part where it brought this beloved movie franchise to a wonderful end.

1. Let Me In: The most criminally under-seen movie of the year. I think more people saw “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse” on a Tuesday afternoon than “Let Me In” in its entire run. The remake — and yes, it IS a remake…don’t give me any of this “it’s just an English-language adaptation of the original novel” stuff…there were shots and moments lifted directly from the original Swedish movie — streamlined and improved upon everything that was good about “Let the Right One In.” (Sorry, but even though I like LTROI, it crawls at times.) Director Matt Reeves tightened up the plot and made a more exciting movie without losing any of the story’s heart. A lot of the credit for that should go to his two leads, Chloe Grace Moretz and Kodi Smit-McPhee, who were truly excellent.

So what’d you think? What was your favorite movie of the past year? Who are you rooting for at the Oscars?