American Idol: Miami Nice

Wednesday's episode of "American Idol" in Miami was sort of a bizarro version of Tuesday night's edition in Omaha.

First off, you had the razzle-dazzle of Miami — nice use of the "Miami Vice" font and music for the "American Idol" title card — contrasted with Omaha, which I'm sure has very nice beaches (then again, maybe not). At least Paula was wearing her best beachy wear in Miami, prompting Simon to call her short dress "very slutty", while somehow managing to make it sound less like an insult and more like a compliment (that's why he makes the big bucks).

Most notably, the two shows were different because, while I saw at least two people with superstar potential emerge from the Omaha auditions, I didn't see anybody I'd really care to see too much of again.

That is, except for Syesha Mercado (the winner for "Coolest Name of the Night") and her strong, sassy rendition of Aretha Franklin's "Think/Freedom". The interview with her former drug addict dad (who clearly didn't want to be on camera) was a bit awkward, but her solid singing made up for it.

Also, look out for Natasha Blach, who turned in a nice, low-key and lovely "At Last." I really wish the episode had dedicated more time to her than to that idiot in the white suit at the very end of the episode (who I won't even refer to by name). I liked single mom Suzanne Toon. Sure her audition with "I Can't Make You Love Me" wasn't spectacular, but she's got an interesting, different-sounding voice. Plus, like the judges, I just like her.

Finally, I wasn't so much amused by the antics of large and in charge friends (pictured, left, with Simon) Corliss Smith —who likes her men big like Randy — and Brittany Wescott —who liked her guys skinny, like Simon (apparently) —as I was pleasantly surprised that they could both sing. I especially enjoyed Corliss' jazzy tone on "Take Five", though Brittany's "My Guy" was also more than good enough to earn her golden ticket to Hollywood.

Other than that — and Richard Valles' funny, nasaly audition — the hour was just a big plate of mediocre. Seriously, the most interesting part of the episode will be when I go through the tape frame by frame during crowd shots to see if I can spot my girlfriend Erica, who auditioned in Miami. The judges seemed like they were being WAY too nice and let some of the mediocre pass through to Hollywood while sending too few home.

The latter group included the first person to audition Shannon McGough and her colorful outfit. What we found out about Shannon is that she works as a meat grinder (insert countless "she handles meat" jokes) and that she's a disgustingly loud belcher (kind of a turn off for me). Her belching was almost as loud as her Janis Joplin audition which was WAY too much. Also not making the cut was 16-year-old former American Juniors contestant Julie Dubela who doesn't know the meaning of the word precocious I don't mean to make her sound badass — she really doesn't know what it means. Her audition wasn't terrible — just not good enough, and she had a meltdown that went on way too long when the judges accused her of acting the entire time (to be fair, young Julie probably doesn't even realize she's acting).

This segment was sort of redeemed by the producers cruelly interspersing her American Juniors performance with her current meltdown and by both McGough and Dubela saying they were done with "American Idol" (Dubela even told us not to watch anymore).

As for the mediocre that got through, no one personified that more than Ghaleb Emachah. The dude looks like Antonio Banderas in the mid-90s and delivered a painfully subpar version of Marc Anthony's "You Sang to Me." Still, the judges let him through because — well, I'm not really sure why they let him through. If they had some sort of Hispanic quota to fill, I'm sure they could've found dozens of more talented guys in MIAMI. Or at least some guys that are at least 80% less cheesy. There's no chance in hell this guy makes it past Hollywood week (right?!)

The rest of the golden ticket recipients were of the good-but-not-great variety — each of whom (ooh, I got to use "whom" in a column) were interesting for a reason other than their singing. This includes former boy band member Robbie Carrico who was interesting because of his scruffiness, Ramiele Malubay, who was interesting because of how short she is (and how Simon butchered her name) and Ylsy Lorena Pinto, who was more interesting because — actually, I don't remember anything about her other than she sang the one Rihanna song that isn't "Umbrella".

So what'd you think of this episode? Did Miami disappoint for you too in the talent department? Also, be honest: you completely forgot that American Juniors had existed too, didn't you?