Well, they say everything's bigger in Texas. Apparently, that includes the judges' tolerance for mediocre, good-not-great singing.But, despite the fact that I don't necessarily think we saw the next American Idol last night (this from the guy who said the Giants would finish last in their division), I kinda like that the judges (pictured, right) seem to be a little more generous this time around.
Part of that is because, as in the Philly premiere, we're seeing more balance in the talent/trainwreck ratio.
As you may have heard, last night's auditions were in Dallas — cue an opening credits sequence from classic prime-time soap "Dallas" that I'm sure sailed clearly over the head of about 67% of the audience last night.
Other than the fact that we were treated to a mostly entertaining couple of hours, my favorite part was how Dallas — a major American city by all accounts — was mostly, simplistically portrayed as a mostly backwoods place where people drive their tractors to work. (Can't wait for the Miami auditions, because we all know everyone in Miami wears a bikini to go to work.)
One person who doesn't drive a tractor to work is Kayla Hatfield, a relentlessly delightful auditionee who had been in a serious car accident a few years back. I think when I said she looked like "The Closer", my brother thought I was talking about Mariano Rivera. When the judges allowed her overly growly take of "Piece of my Heart" (seriously, if she'd gone on for a few more seconds, her voice would've broken) to go through to Hollywood, I figured we were in for some substandard "good singing." I mean, I thought Willem Dafoe sounded better last night when she sang "Somebody to Love."
Still, none of that mattered as much because of the way Simon seemed to warm to Kayla ("I'd like to be you for one hour a day, maybe two.") and the similarly substandard, but faux hawked Pia Easley, who Simon said he liked about six times.
Then there was Drew Poppelreiter, the country boy who delivered a nice, but thoroughly forgettable "Check Yes or No." I know we're supposed to believe he got through to Hollywood by the skin of his hay-chewing teeth, but let's be real — once Idol producers come to your house to do a piece on your background, you're pretty much in. (Notice how the nutcases are always filmed doing their thing while they're hanging out in the audition venue). Also, recovering meth-addict Jessica Brown wins the "Elisa from Project Runway" award for "most out-of-nowhere serious revelation that I'm not quite sure I'm ready to handle while watching a lighthearted reality show."
The mediocrity continued with aspiring politician Kyle Ensley, who (no offense to all the people I know who are in an acapella group) looks like he's in an acapella group, but got through mostly because of the fact that he wasn't terrible (let's be honest, he looked like he was gonna be terrible). I'd like to comment on the audition of Brandon Green, but I mostly just remember that he carried around a bag of his own finger (and toe?) nail clippings, which is perfectly normal — if you're a serial killer.
My two favorites of the evening were Kady Malloy and Colton Swon. The only problem with Kady was that her perfect Britney Spears impersonation was infinitely more interesting than her actual singing —seriously, I don't remember what she actually sounds like. Meanwhile, Colton Swon, in addition to winning the "Temptress Browne" award for "most awesome name of the night", is the one guy I could see doing something in this competition after a nice take on "Boondocks," which my girl Erica really likes. If only I could find it on YouTube (Come on, other people. Step up so I can mooch off your work.)
(I mention that she likes it because, full disclosure, I'm not THAT into country music, so it was hard for me to put my arms around last night's show — I kept getting distracted by some fantasy basketball trades I was working on.)
I mean, even a lot of the "bad" singers weren't all that bad. There was Angela Reilly who missed out on Hollywood, but won out by being married to a guy who is a model and a genius. I say genius because of his relentless refusal to badmouth his wife's singing — smart man! There was also the guylinered dude who thought he was the next Chris Daughtry and kept mentioning how "rock" and "edgy" he was, thereby instantly disqualifying himself from being "rock" or "edgy."
In fact, I'm temporarily lifting my ban on not mentioning the train wrecks by name because a few of them were so funny last night. I especially liked sweaty Douglas Davidson (who I think is STILL warming up to sing Bon Jovi), as well as Paul Stafford's countrified take of Elliott Yamin's "Wait for You." It was almost as funny as Simon's impersonation afterward.
The closest we got to an out-and-out clown of the same level as the Philadelphia Paula Stalker, and the Fat Hairy Guy in the Princess Leia costume was Renaldo Lapuz, who showed up in a pimp costume and hijacked the last 10 minutes of the show (as well as pretty much every commercial tease during the first hour and 50 minutes. Still, I can't even be completely mad at him because, despite his audition going on for WAY too long, let's fact it — "We're Brothers Forever" IS catchy.
So what'd you think of this episode? Have you already tried to download "Brothers"? Finally, do you think we saw the next American Idol in Dallas? Finally, do you like the judges being nicer and more lenient?
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