Even though last night's edition of "Idol" was half as long, the producers were still able to cram in as many good auditions, bizarre characters and laughs as they did in the first two episodes.They also thankfully complied with my golden rule that no reality show should ever be two hours long. So, gone from last night were the unnecessary "awful singers singing the same song" montage, the semi-comprehensive history of the city at the beginning of each episode narrated by Ryan Seacrest (we've all seen "Anchorman" and we all know that the name of San Diago comes from the German for "a whale's vagina") and all the other filler that clogs up my TV.
We were even (mostly) spared the obligatory tirades from the castoffs. The best we got were rejects Monique Gibson (unleashing an unholy medley of "Who's Loving You", "Dreamlover" and a couple of other songs) and Christopher Baker (I feel sorry for the children in "The Greatest Love of All") each singing very loudly and very badly before banding together for the most unseemly duet since this one.
Still, as far as the bad singing went, I found Mariah Carey wannabe Valerie Reyes and super hippie Albert Hurtado, and former Statue of Liberty Blake Boshnack much more entertaining. Reyes sounded like she put "Against All Odds" through a Pop-o-matic 2000 and it came out the other side with all the unnecessary tricks, bells, whistles, nooks and crannies (bonus points for the Mariah shriek at the end) that she singers try to jam into pop songs (I loved Randy's throwaway "actually, it was awful" comment). I was surprised at how bad I felt for her because she genuinely thought she was doing the right thing, and she showed some self-awareness as she lamented the fact that she was one of the rejects she's laughed at on TV.
Then there's Hurtado, who sang a hilariously depressing (that should be a new genre) original song called "Live", which appeared to have the word "tragedy" in it about 20 times. This guy came dangerously close to being labeled a clown (and thus not being mentioned by name in this column) because of his weird spinning doll and huge green fan, but he convinced me he was actually for real. Also, the footage at the end, which suggested he transformed into an eagle put him over the top.
Finally, there's Borshnack who, we were reminded, was quickly dismissed in Season 5 right as he started singing (I can't imagine why). This time, he was back in normal clothes and with his slightly weird mom (who actually appears to be enabling, I mean, encouraging his "Idol" dreams) and delivering a passable version of "Stand by Me." And that's just what the judges did — they passed. Who knew that dressing up as the Statue of Liberty on national TV would kill your credibility forever? Oh wait, everyone knows that.
On to the good, where we actually have some pretty talented singers with interesting backstories going to Hollywood.
The show actually opened with three straight successful auditons (not sure if that's a record), but it closed with Carly Smithson (who's been revealed to be not quite an amateur), who was probably the best singer of the night. I mean, she managed to sing "I'm Every Woman" (a top 5 contender for most overplayed song on "Idol") and hold everyone's interest. We found out that she'd made it to the Hollywood round before, but was disqualified because of issues with her visa. We also found out she has a husband with a full on face tattoo.
Though Smithson (pictured, left) may have been the best singer, I think my favorites of the night were actually two dudes.
I mean, how could you not like Perrie Cataldo, the single dad with the adorable son? He's got a nice voice and, though his "I'll Make Love to You" was a bit too gimmicky/over the top, that song IS over the top. For his sake, let's hope they let him take the kid everywhere he goes. The kid is good for a least a few million votes.
Then there was David Archuleta, this week's token "Idol" who'd overcome a serious injury. In his case, Archuleta had suffered vocal paralysis, but that didn't stop him from delivering an easy on the ears version of "Waiting on the World to Change." He certainly doesn't have the strongest voice in the competition, and I don't think he has a chance in hell of winning. The young, scrawny guy who's attractive in an attainable kind of way is good enough to get to the top 12 (right Sanjaya, and Anthony Federov), but not good enough to win. Still, out of all the good singers last night, I liked him the most.
I liked him a little better than Aussie Michael Johns, who's got a nice soulful voice and, unlike Archuleta, is actually attractive in an unattainable way. I certainly liked him better than obnoxious Tetiana Ostapowych (who, as Simon pointed out, is NOT as good as she thinks she is) and Simon-obsessed Samantha Musa, who was ok, but not as entertaining as her friend, who got to share a seat with Simon.
So what'd you think of this episode? Did you like that the show was cut in half from last week or hate it? Who was your favorite singer from last night? Finally, when is a face tattoo a good idea?
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