American Idol: Dollywood week: Working 9 to 8

Ok, so this is John’s girlfriend, Erica, filling in as your official entertainment reporter. As I’m not nearly as dedicated or talented a writer as he is, I’m writing this recap the day after the show (sorry if you were expecting it earlier). It’s not like this episode was that inspiring- in fact, it was a little on the boring side. I mean, the theme this week was Dolly Parton songs. April Fools! No, wait. It really was Dolly Parton songs. What fool came up with that one?

Speaking of April fools, the host of the show had to start things off with the lamest April Fools prank statement ever. I mean Ryan Seacrest...I actually forgot his name and had to ask my little brother (who’s name is coincidentally Johnny). I mean, the Seacrest is ok in my book... He does do his ‘thing’. So, I pretty much blame American Idol, the show, for the lame intro that went something like this, in my best Ryan Seacrest voice, “Good evening. (pause) We've just been informed that due to industrial action by the LEAGUE of AMERICAN Vocal Coaches (pause) -tonight's episode has been preempted (pause)....In it's PLACE we're showing a special celebrity edition of the Moment of Truth staring our very own Simon Cowell...we'll see you next week....(camera pans out and away).....April Fools-THIS is AMERICAN Idol!

Ok, so Ashton Kutcher is much better at the whole ‘you’ve been punk’d’ thing. They should have started the whole thing off with Ryan Seacrest explaining how it was the third Beatles week. APRIL FOOLS! No, silly! It’s Dolly Parton week! Huh? No, seriously! (David Archuleta goes, “Who’s that?”)

So after greeting the judges and taking a cheapshot at Simon that made no sense (something like, Simon Cowell, who’s heart stopped beating a few minutes ago), the Seacrest sells Dolly Parton as ‘red hot, for 40 years and counting.’ Oooh, Seacrest like the Dolly. I mean, she is a mildly legendary singer/songwriter, country music icon, and has huge knockers and all, but when was the last time you heard anything from Dolly Parton? (Watch out for her new album coming out next summer!...I’m guessing) And what’s the deal? This isn’t Nashville Star. Where are the pop idols that these kids are supposed to emulate?

So now it’s time for the kids to meet this star. Seacrest: Roll the tape!

Just as we are forced to accept “Dolly Parton” as a legitimate theme, after two straight Beatles weeks, and then a random “Hit Songs that Came Out the Year Ya Came Outta Yo Momma week,” ?, the kids are FORCED to sing Dolly Parton’s hit song “Working 9 to 5.” I don’t know why, but I found this very amusing. Especially the part when a thought bubble appeared above Ramiele’s head saying “I wonder what working 9 to 5 is like...”

So, anyway, we quickly move on to the rehearsals, Dolly’s feedback and ensuing performances...

Dolly (we’re on a first name basis after the respect I’ve displayed for her so far), admitted that as a singer, it’s really hard for her to criticize other singers. (I think Paula likes to use this as an excuse too.) So much like Gwen Stefani, a past singer/mentor on the show, she was mostly nice to everyone. Not a bad thing, but not necessarily helpful.

Brooke White, 24, starts things off with a song called “Jolene” (I think). It’s cool. It’s all about this girl begging some other hoochie not to steal her man. “Honesty and warmth,” is what Dolly critically notices about Brooke. Man, that Dolly is brutal. Anyway, as Brooke performs on stage, we notice that she is rocking some sweet sailor pants! Anyone else notice that? She always looks so cute! Ok, so anyway, other than that, she also looks a little scared and timid. She kind of races through the song a few hairs too quickly, even though she sounds pretty good. Simon criticizes how fast it is, Randy likes it okay and Paula stops the show with her comment, “You.....are- *nerves slowing firing in brain* Brooke- White.” Brooke could have said “And you- are- Paula-Adbul!”, but opts to compliment her on her hair instead. That Brooke is so polite! Paula brilliantly answers back with “So does your hair look great.” Even Yoda wouldn’t say that!

Moving on, David “Big head/Cookie” Cooke, sings his own arrangement of Dolly Parton’s “Little Sparrow.” Dolly critically points out that Cookie-head has an ‘absolutely beautiful voice and heart and that he reaches very far vocally and often catches “it”.’ And that he has a flaky crust.

He definitely reaches for ‘it’ with “Little Sparrow,’ and in my opinion doesn’t totally catch ‘it.’ (Wait! Reaching for something and catching it makes no sense...whatever.) I thought the song was not only really repetitive, but that the key was just a little too high for his voice. He hit all the high notes with this puny, airy, little falsetto boy voice that didn’t do it for me at all. Sing like a man, Cookie. Eh, wasn’t my favorite, but of course, the judges ate it up, with milk. (Get it? He’s a cookie.) Did anyone notice that there was a “Coca-Cola” logo displayed on the bottom left corner of the screen the entire time he was singing? Mmm....Cookies and coca-cola.

*two-note effect*

It’s not my fault. As my mom said during the performance with a thick, Colombian accent, “Today is booooring.” Yes, it really kinda was.

So, let’s shake things up with the next kid, Ramiele “Lame” Malubay.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, say I.

Anyway, during rehearsal, Dolly’s thoughts on Ramiele were that she was “so cute, sweet, scared, and precious,” and that “being lil’ ain’t stop you from doing big things.’ That’s what she said.

So the little voice in the little package took the stage with some modern looking black overalls and flat ironed, processed hair, and did better than normal. She seemed somewhat comfortable with her voice but she is still way too self-conscious out there. She just came across as awkward and shy in a non-endearing way (cp Brooke White) and the melody was completely lost on me.

Randy accurately summed it up by saying that the song was ‘actually good for her’ and that the performance was pretty good, “maybe 6.5/10.” Simon calls it ‘cute but forgettable...cruise ship singer caliber at most.’ That Simon has been to a lot of karaoke shows, weddings, and cruises, no?

(Did anyone notice the Mac commercial with the comedienne from “Misguided”? Awesome!)

After the break, the show comes back with the Seacrest sharing fan mail with Jason “Colombian Neo-Hippie” Castro. Apparently, his singing ‘shakes all the stress away,’ for one viewer. Whatever. He’s good, but just plain lazy (probably all the pot he smokes). Dolly Parton, politely insults Castro, grabbing his hair and telling him “I would dread to have those locks.” She also called him “funky looking, but cool.” Castro should have come back by calling her “fake looking, but cool,” but he’s too lazy to come up with a comeback.

Anyway, the Colombian Neo-Hippie sounded pretty good on “Travelin” and the song actually tested his high range for once! Randy called it ‘pretty good.’ Paula, like always judged the person instead of the performance and called him ‘strong and confident.’ Simon however “didn’t like it at all” and “didn’t get it.” In my opinion though, Jason did really well, for him. The song was much more challenging than usual and for Heaven’s sake, he somehow pulled off a Spanish-Country fusion.

(John is way more concise, so if you’re still reading, good for you. And he’ll be back next week)

Anyway, next kiddo: Carly Smithson. Wow. So Dolly Parton pretty much praised Carly as sounding better singing her song than she ever did. “She killed it,” Dolly stated. (In a good way, right?) Carly starts up and she has that one black guy that accompanies everyone on stage with her. That guy is truly multi-talented with instruments. Anyway, I always love to watch Carly, because she has great technique and a very strong voice, but there were a few little nit picky things to note here. The key change in the song was a little unnecessary and a little rough and the song in general was a little over-sung. However, compared to everyone else, she turned her Dolly Parton song into a real pop tune you could hear on la radio. She made it dramatic, held out powerful notes, and did a lot of belting. That’s pretty much pop in a nutshell. I mean, most of the other kids just can’t do what she did.

Randy called her performance ‘one of the better ones.’ Paula chimed in with an excited and constipated sounding “OH MY GOD!” Simon called it ‘good but not great’ (he’s always hard on her!) and added, ‘by the way, have a word with whomever’s dressing you. You’re not progressing towards looking like a star.’ In other words, “Ya look frumpy.’

Changing gears, future Disney Channel star, David Archuleta was up next with “Smoky Mountain Memories.” Dolly Parton ‘trying to keep her fake eyelashes in place’ was touched and said ‘Chuleta had the ‘voice to become a really great singer.’ His actual performance featured a vocally weak and sloppy entrance but got better, with some really well done high notes, instead of the usual medium-rare ones. Yet another mushy, inspirational song that you’d see with the ending credits of Cinderella 4: The Glass Slipper of the Future. Strong performance though. The kid’s not going anywhere near the bottom three anytime soon. Randy called it the best so far. Paula barked the word “GLORIOUS!” and Simon simply stated it was ‘on the money.’

Next up, was Kristy Lee Cook (not Cooke, like David Cookie). She was pretty much a total suck up to Dolly Parton, tossing compliments at her left and right and choosing a song near and dear to Dolly’s heart, “Coat of Many Colors.” Watching this performance, it was probably a good song for her but it was too country-ish. It kinda reminded me of Beatles week #1. Where’s my banjo? The fact that she sang sitting down for the first two whole verses of the song, both impressed me (it’s really hard to get the same power singing while you’re sitting that you can get standing up) and confused me. Standing up during the chorus, however, she artificially created dynamics in this somewhat boring rendition. She ended really well with some really strong high notes. Pretty shrewd. Still don’t really like her though.

Randy commented that country music was definitely her ‘wheelhouse’. Paula stammered that it was stunning and her best performance yet (she always says that, no?). Simon disagreed completely, calling it ‘pleasant but forgettable’. Seacrest felt left out so he decided to comment on her bare feet, “I love your French pedicure, girlfriend! *hand wave*.’

The next two performances were by far, my favorites of the night and probably the only ones that I’d actually watch again.

Syesha courageously took on Dolly Parton’s “I Will Always Love You.” As a general rule, taking on anything sung by Whitney Houston is pretty much singer suicide. However, Dolly called it a ‘real good choice’ and called Syesha a ‘pretty girl and good singer.’ Syesha tried to balance the simplicity of Dolly’s original version with the vocal acrobatics of Whitney’s legendary rendition, in conclusion, making it her own, (see Singer’s Handbook, Page 226). She started off sitting on a piano for Verse 1, and from there gradually built up drama and an emotional connection with the audience that stretched through solidly belted high notes and a powerfully held out note on the word ‘looooove’ at the end.

Ok, so the judges didn’t love it as much as I did. Randy noted that she ‘took on the biggest tiger and did aight.’ Paula strung these descriptive words together about Syesha, ‘velvety tone’, ‘growing’, and ‘connecting’, such as. Simon, unfortunately, said that ‘he wished she hadn’t chosen that song, because it paled it comparison to Whitney Houston.’ At that point, Syesha and I both did a double-take. Sorry, Simon, but she wasn’t trying to copy Whitney. It was Dolly Parton week and she took elements from both Dolly’s and Whitney’s arrangements and made it her own! She took a risk that no other kid there would and pulled it off! Geez!

Following that up, the last performance of the evening was actually and unexpectedly my favorite, even more so than my girl, Syesha. Two first names: Michael Johns.

So yeah, Michael Johns actually seemed like the biggest, most genuine fan of Dolly’s. The feeling was mutual as Dolly said that he could ‘make good records’ and she could write songs for him. Sweet!

So the Michael-Johns took on the most sensual song of the evening wearing of all things, an ascot. *giggle* I didn’t catch the title, but I did catch a couple of suggestive lines in the song like ‘Tell Me Sexy Lovin’ Lies.” Scandalous! It was perfect for his voice and I normally don’t like his voice that much. It’s kinda cracky. But it was grrrrreat! It was rock-blues-hot and entertaining! Didn’t catch Randy’s commentary but Paula called him a ‘rock star, a blues star, and gorgeous.’ (Oh man, that’s similar to what I wrote...eek!) Simon said it was his best performance to date.

In John’s style, it’s now the time to ask a few questions that will haunt you until next week. What will they come up with for next week’s theme? My vote is Sesame Street Songs. I personally wanna see David Cookie sing a rock version of “C is for Cookie.” Who’s getting voted off? Please just get rid of Ramiele already. She sucks. Also, what did you think of the random Vanna White cameo during the show? Will Kristy Lee Cook wear shoes next time and Seacrest get a French manicure? Oh and this just in from CNN, David Cookie was taken to the hospital last night on the show! He had some heart palpitations and high blood pressure. He’s also dealing with family stress as his brother is battling health problems. Sympathy vote! No, but seriously, take care, Cookie. Take care.