2008 NFL Preview: AFC South

Ok, I'm sorry if this last column — the final in my NFL preseason preview — feels rushed.

I'm flying out to Minnesota next week and I'll be away from my computer — help me convince Erica to cover for me on the "Project Runway" recap front — and I REALLY want to finish my NFL preseason picks before I go. Also, I realized that my flight leaves at 8 a.m. tomorrow morning, which means I'll have little if any time tonight and NO TIME to work on this tomorrow. What can I say? I'm a little obsessive compulsive and it would bug the hell out of me if I previewed seven out of eight divisions and just left that last division dangling there.

Anyway, let me stop blabbing and let's get right to this:

AFC SOUTH
1. Indianapolis Colts (11-5)
2. Jacksonville Jaguars (10-6)
3. Houston Texans (9-7)
4. Tennessee Titans (6-10)

Indianapolis Colts: Earlier in the NFL preseason preview season, I wrote that the Chargers had supplanted the Colts as the second best team in the conference (mostly because SD OWNS Indy whenever they play head to head), but I still think Indianapolis has one more strong year atop their division (the toughest outside of the NFC East) with this core group of players.

Think about it. Last year the Colts lost one of their best receivers (Marvin Harrison) and one of their best defensive players (Dwight Freeney) and still managed to end up winning the AFC South, which didn't have a team with a losing record last year. On the other hand, Harrison's injury had the side effect of making fellow WR Reggie Wayne a superstar and giving valuable playing time to WR Anthony Gonzalez (who's got a lot of potential).

The Colts hope Harrison and Freeney can stay healthy the entire year (which has been an issue for Freeney) and, if they do, the team should be strong enough to win their division for the 16th year in a row (ok, it hasn't been quite that long, it just feels that way). I know the chic pick is to have the Jags overtake the Colts, but that's been the sexy pick for, like, three years in a row now — I'll believe it when it actually happens.

(Notice I didn't mention to QB Peyton Manning's (pictured, left) injury which has led him to miss pretty much the entire preseason. That guy needs the preseason about as much as the Bucs need another quarterback.)

Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jaguars continue to be the steady football team that runs the ball (with two Pro Bowl-caliber talents like Maurice Jones-Drew and Fred Taylor), plays defense and, most importantly wins games.

Notice I left out "are particularly interesting" out of the things the Jaguars do. Then again, WR Matt Jones' (pictured, right) cocaine arrest was pretty interesting, and I'm not really sure that's the kind of attention the Jaguars want. I still don't see too many big time weapons in the Jags passing game, though the team is probably hoping WR Reggie Williams steps up to be that guy for QB David Garrard (probably more confident than ever this year.)

The team had a breakthrough of sorts last season, winning a playoff game on the road and partially hanging in with the Pats before losing. The main problem during the Pats loss is that Tom Brady had all day to throw and ended up going 26 for 28. To help remedy that (and to help put pressure on fellow-division QB Peyton Manning), the Jags upgraded their pass rush by drafting (and kinda reaching for) defensive end Derrick Harvey out Florida. They also picked up an additional DE (Quentin Groves) in the second round.

I'm not sure if two rookies are going to be the answer to one of the team's few weaknesses, and I'm also not a fan of the fact that they traded away DT Marcus Stroud (who, along with John Henderson helped make the Jags run defense one of the best in the league). It just feels like the team took two steps forward, and two steps back this offseason.

Houston Texans: I've been saving it for last and here it is — my official sleeper team for the 2008 season. (Debate amongst yourselves whether a team that finished 8-8 the year before can be considered a sleeper).

At least I'm calling them a sleeper because I'm not really hearing too many people talk about them as a serious playoff contender.

The Texans are returning pretty much everyone from the cast of their first non-losing season. The team didn't suffer any major losses and, conversely, didn't make any major acquisitions (though they DID draft RB Steve Slaton in the first round to help upgrade their hot mess of a running game).

The task will be staying healthy. Still, even if QB Matt Schaub (9 TD, 9 INT goes down again, the Texans figure to be in good hands with Sage Rosenfels (15 TD, 12 INT). Who'd a thunk it? That guy sounds like a made up football player that comes into the league after you've done a few seasons on Franchise mode in Madden. The more important issue will be keeping star (and oft-injured) receiver Andre Johnson (pictured, left) healthy.

The defense (with talented young players like DE Mario Williams and LB DeMeco Ryans) should be solid and, I'm predicting, will lead the team to its first ever playoff appearance.

Tennessee Titans: Can Vince Young (pictured, right) get a little help?

As another year passes it's getting harder and harder to remember Vince Young as the quarterback that almost singlehandedly beat USC in the BCS title game a few years ago (the best college football title game ever, by the way).

It's not really his fault though. The Titans seem downright stubborn in their refusal to give the guy a decent wide receiver. Then again, they did bring in appeared-to-be-washed-up TE Alge Crumpler (escaping from the Falcons), but Crumpler has allegedly looked fantastic in camp. Still, Vince Young's 1 talent probably shouldn't be a tight end who's firmly in the latter stages of his career.

Still, the defense will once again be solid (the Titans have one of the league's best defensive lines) and they actually have one of the best coaches in the league in Jeff Fisher. Those two things will always prevent this team from going completely in the tank.

Project Runway Rundown: Winner By DQ

You could just tell this was going to be a good one.

In fact, if it weren't for the continued presence of Blayne and his "–licious"ness, Suede and Suede's "head of ocean" and some more questionable judging, I'd call this a perfect episode of "Project Runway."

And all it took was some of New York's City's brightest, funniest and puniest (Annida Greenkard! Hedda Lettuce!) drag queens to liven things up.

Since Bravo decided this season that it wasn't even going to try to surprise its viewers, we knew from the previews that beloved former contestant Chris March was going to make an appearance and that the contestants would be working with drag queens this week. Still, that didn't make it any less delightful when Chris strolled out from behind that silhouette screen and was revealed to be wearing massive Viking horns and a disco ball top.

As the drag queens stepped onto the runway, I debated whether it'd be a good idea to remark to my g/f Erica that some of them actually looked pretty good. On the one hand, they were dudes, so there was little chance she'd get jealous, but on the other hand, she'd probably think that was a little gay, so I decided to keep my mouth shut. (Phew. It's a good thing she doesn't read this column.)

While the designers met with their clients, I caught a noticeable grimace on Straight Joe's face right before they walked in the workroom. He talked about how much of a challenge and outside his comfort zone this challenge would be, and he likened it to making a Halloween costume. (Condescending much?) Korto also seemed uncomfortable, but I didn't really get why, since most of what she's made this season is huge and bright. Korto seemed to realize this eventually, while Joe also got into the spirit of the challenge by donning his client's bra and doing a little shimmy. Meanwhile, I found myself wishing that memory-erasing thing from "Men in Black" was real, so I could forget what I just saw.

Even after the queens left there was plenty of drama in the workroom. I was happy, no ECSTATIC, to see that pretty much everyone on this show is also tired of Blayne-licious. In fact, I'm pretty sure I laughed for the first time at something Leann said when she claimed it made her want to barf...licious.


Apparently, after his win last week, everyone decided to help Keith celebrate by giving him a haterade shower. Everyone was baffled at how Keith and his swatches drew constant praise from the judges which made them look pretty jealous, but also signaled to the audience that Keith was going to be in trouble.

Also, despite the fact that I'm perfectly aware that there are dudes under those pounds of wigs and makeups, I found it a bit striking to see them walk into the workroom as themselves and how regular they looked. These guys do a terrific job with their transformations (except maybe for Acid Betty, who looks the same but with more makeup as a drag queen).

Tim and Chris March stopped by and this episode gave us the perfect look at why Gunn's visits are crucial. They each advised Suede to stick to his guns after Hedda Lettuce accused him of being lazy for only making a Godzilla glove (as opposed to a Godzilla sleeve). It seemed like a HUGE insult at the time (Terri even chimed in, sassily, of course, with "Oh no she di-uhn't"). Still, Suede and Hedda patched things ups and Hedda TOTALLY sold his garment during the runway show. (That may be the weirdest sentence I've ever written.) Hedda's attitude made all the difference in the world — the outfit looked TERRIBLE in the workroom when she was upset, but looked halfway decent on the runway.

On the other hand, Tim strongly suggested to Daniel that he wasn't going big enough with his tie-dyed yellow flamenco dress. Daniel, as usual, didn't listen, did whatever he wanted and paid for it.

He was joined in the bottom three by Keith and his sad chicken costume (ouch!) and Jerrell (who I was convinced was going to be in the top three, but whose dress was too long for guest judge RuPaul).

Can someone please explain to me how Blayne and his "pterodactyl out of a gay Jurassic Park" garment didn't land in the bottom three? I get that this challenge was about being over the top, but that kite-looking thing went WAY over the top and crossed over into ugly territory. Also, one of the "wings" was looking droopy on the runway. Are the judges REALLY saying Blayne's outfit was better than Jerrell's? Seriously?! To keep Blayne out of the bottom three is embarrassing. It's almost as embarrassing as Blayne's latest and lamest attempt to be Christian Siriano by giving himself a drag queen name (Neonlicious, ugh!) the same way Christian gave himself a WWE Diva name.

The top three was made up of Joe (who RuPaul admired for remembering to hide his client's "candy") Terri (with her incredibly platform boot/samurai creation) and Korto's (literally) flaming outfit. All three were pretty good, but, for the second week in a row, the judges picked my least favorite out of the top three to award the top prize. To put it delicately, Terri wuz robbed. I loved her face in the back while Joe (cutting lose with an UNTUCKED black shirt and jeans) was celebrating.

The bottom two came down to Keith and Daniel with Keith taking the more brutal criticism from the judges (RuPaul called him out for making too many excuses). Fortunately for him, Daniel is a gigantic idiot and dug his own hole by once again talking about his high-end tastes and how this challenge was too gaudy for him, leading to his elimination (FINALLY, the judges got one right).

I'm guessing he didn't see his elimination because this show may not be high-end enough for his impeccable tastes. If that's the case, he missed a hell of an episode.

So what'd you think of the episode? Is it just me or was RuPaul looking a little rough? Is Terri EVER going to win a challenge? Is Blayne the most annoying person on this show or the most annoying person ever? Finally, where can I score some of that crack the judges have been smoking?

2008 NFL Preview: NFC South

As we're winding down this road of sure-to-be embarrassing preseason picks, we've finally come upon the NFC South, which houses my favorite/hometown team, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

The only question bigger than who's actually going to win this division is how much will I be able to suppress my homer tendency/bias towards the Bucs and be able to realistically assess their chances for this season. Why don't we find out?

NFC South

1. New Orleans Saints (12-4)
2. Tampa Bay Bucs (9-7)
3. Carolina Panthers (8-8)
4. Atlanta Falcons (3-13)

New Orleans Saints: Let's face it — they absolutely stunk up the joint during the first half of the season last year before making a too-late postseason push.

You can blame the "this team is sneaking up on no one anymore" aspect (which I expect to strike the Cleveland Browns this year), but I'm going to go ahead and put most of the blame on their brutal defense, which finished 30th in the league in pass yards allowed per game. If "getting beat for long touchdowns" were an official stat, I think CB Jason David (pictured, left, in a familiar sight for Saints fans) would've easily led the league.

Fortunately for the Saints (and unfortunately for me as a Bucs fan), the Saints addressed their various defensive needs by bringing in former Jets LB Jonathan Vilma, and brought in a couple of free agent defensive backs from winning teams (Bobby McCray from Jacksonville and Randall Gay from the Patriots). Still, the team remains susceptible to the long pass as long as David's on the field. They also added 7th overall pick Sedrick Ellis to its defensive line.

Despite an injury to RB Deuce McAllister, the Saints were fourth in yards per game last year. As if getting McAllister back (allowing verging-on-bust RB Reggie Bush to go back to being more flexible in the offense) wasn't good enough, the Saints added talented/pain in the ass TE Jeremy Shockey (who seems to have a better attitude) to their already-talented receiving corps.

Should be a nice bounce back year for the Saints as long as QB Drew Brees stays healthy, and if the defense can come together, I think they can make a run for the conference title.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Jon Gruden's tenure with the Bucs has brought the town a Super Bowl (insert crack about how he did it with Tony Dungy's players), but has actually been wildly uneven. The team has failed to make the playoffs in two consecutive seasons during his time here. (If you're a glass half full kinda person, you can say that the team hasn't MISSED the playoffs in two consecutive years during hit tenure.)

According to my sources, the Bucs missed the playoffs last year, so the safe bet would be for them to miss playoffs this season according to past trends. If that isn't enough, you can also point to the fact that the Bucs failed to add the explosive playmaking option on offense they desperately needed (though question remains if such a person was even out there).

Instead, the team decided to make solid, but unsexy free agent signings (C Jeff Faine should shore up a solid offensive line, RB Warrick Dunn hopping in a time machine, potential problem child WR Antonio Bryant) which make this team one of the deepest, yet one of the least interesting in the league (this from someone who lives here and hears about them on a daily basis and still finds them kinda boring).

I mean, I suppose it's interesting that coach Jon Gruden seems intent on stacking the roster with 14 QBs (I'm estimating), but I don't really see how that helps the team. I also don't see how the fact Garcia (pictured, right with Gruden) pretty much despises his head coach will help. At least when Garcia gets hurt this year, there are actually two decent backups (Brian Griese, Luke McCown) that can step in and do the job temporarily.

So to summarize, the team still has good, but not great players at pretty much every position, which makes them good enough to get to the playoffs (thanks to a favorable schedule), but not good enough to win a game once we're there. That's why I really wasn't crazy about bringing Favre in - he probably could've taken us from a team that gets to the playoffs and loses right away, to a team that gets to the playoffs, wins just one game. Maybe.

Carolina Panthers: How this team managed to finish last season with a 7-9 with a mediocre running game and QB Matt Moore along with 57-year-old QB Vinny Testaverde playing big parts is kind of a miracle.

That's also pretty much the only reason I have the Panthers finishing at .500. Sure, starting QB Jake Delhomme (pictured, left) is back from his elbow injury, but no one has any idea whether he'll be healthy enough to make it through an entire season.

It's also probably not a good sign that the team's best player (Steve Smith) punched a teammate in the face (Ken Lucas), gave him a black eye, and got himself suspended for the start of the season. At least the Panthers got some weapons in WR D.J. Hackett and Mushin Mohammad to help pick up the slack.

Their defense was in the middle of the pack last year and will probably stay there this year. The offensive line, on the other hand, is almost completely new, which usually isn't a good thing. The Panthers are probably hoping running backs DeAngelo Williams and rookie Jonathan Stewart play well this year and make the line look good (or vice versa).

With the hopes of their season riding on Delhomme's shaky elbow, I don't think I should have them anywhere near 8-8, but, as they proved last year, this team can play beyond its skill level and will probably do so again this year.

Atlanta Falcons: Not that I'm making excuses for the cowardly way he snuck out in the middle of the night, but can you really blame former coach Bobby Petrino for running back to college football. This team is a complete mess! Coach Mike Smith (boring name — this guy needs a middle initial or something) takes over this disaster show (pictured, right, is the first thing that came up when I Google imaged "disaster").

This season figures to be the first in a multi-year process to clean that mess up. The team drafted what it hopes is a franchise QB in Matt Ryan (bye bye Michael Vick era in Atlanta) and brought in big money free agent RB Michael Turner, fresh out of LaDainian Tomlinson's shadow.

Ryan probably won't start the season as the Falcons QB, so we'll be treated to a few games of the Chris Redman/Joey Harrington combo getting smacked around before the team turns over the keys to Ryan.

I actually think the future looks kinda bright for the Falcons. On top of Ryan and Turner, the team hopes it discovered a star in WR Roddy White and with a little luck that could become a formidable trio for years to come.

Unfortunately, the Falcons haven't exactly been big winners in the luck department (trading QB Matt Schaub to the Texans a few months before Michael Vick was indicted for dogfighting — oops!) and they probably won't be winners very often this season.

2008 NFL Preview: AFC North

This division should be one of the more interesting ones to watch this season — and the Baltimore Ravens will be there too. Let's take a look.

AFC North

1. Pittsburgh Steelers (11-5)
2. Cleveland Browns (9-7)
3. Cincinnati Bengals (6-10)
4. Baltimore Ravens (4-12)

Pittsburgh Steelers: In his first year as Steelers head coach, Mike Tomlin led the club to a division title before they choked a home playoff game away to the Jaguars. That's not a slam on the Jags (who came into Pittsburgh and WON), but more of a critique on the Steelers, who probably had more talent on both sides of the ball.

QB Ben Roethlisberger (pictured, right, with Tomlin) is coming off a career year (32 TDs and 11 INTs) and still has his three favorite targets (WR Hines Ward, WR Santonio Holmes, TE Heath Miller) intact. However, I'm not crazy about the fact that they lost a few of their offensive lineman (including Pro Bowler Alan Faneca), but the existing line should be good enough to open up holes for RB Willie Parker and rookie RB Rashard Mendenhall.

The defense was tops last year in yards allowed per game and should be strong again this year.

Despite a tough schedule, there's really no reason again (no catastrophic motorcycle accidents for key players) the Steelers can't join New England, San Diego and Indianpolis (in the last year of their prime) as contenders for the AFC title.

Cleveland Browns: The Browns were strong contenders for biggest surprise of last season, and they stayed aggressive this year. By hanging on to breakout QB Derek Anderson and adding (overrated) WR Donte Stallworth, they're making it very clear they want to win now.

The main problem for me is that, unlike last year, the Browns will surprise absolutely no one this year. It's different for an NFL team to play when people are actually expecting good things out of them. I'm also pretty sure that QB Derek Anderson is not quite as good as he was last year (29 TDs and 19 INTs), and I expect him to struggle a bit this year, leading to some "when is Brady Quinn going to play" talk, which will lead to many shots of Quinn (pictured, left) looking studly on the sidelines and more trouble for Anderson and the team.

I'm also not sure the Browns did enough to upgrade their defense (30th in the league in yards per game allowed), so, for the second year in a row, they will finish with a winning record, but NOT make the playoffs. Oh well, at least Romeo Crennel will get to keep his job this year...

Cincinnati Bengals: ...Marvin Lewis (pictured, right), on the other hand, may be another matter.

Sure, Lewis took the Bengals from perennial losers to a couple of 8-8 seasons and a playoff appearance, but everything since then has been a disaster. For a guy hailed as a defensive mastermind, the Bengals have been absolutely brutal on that side of the ball (27th or worse) the past few years.

Then there was Lewis and his team's vow (for the third offseason) in a row to clear all the knuckleheads out of the Bengals locker room and make way for players who actually want to be there and players whose mugshots don't regularly appear on the local news. To that end, they hung on to disgruntled WR Chad Johnson (who was begging out of Cincy) and recently resigned WR Chris Henry after Johnson suffered an injury in a preseason game. Henry will have to sit out the first four games of the season due to a suspension and the Bengals hope he'll stay out of trouble after that — and by "trouble", I mean jail. (How sad is it that if Henry doesn't go to jail this year, it'll be considered a triumph — to quote Chris Rock "you're not SUPPOSED to go to jail, ya low expectation-having motherf---er!")

That being said, they still have one of the most talented quarterbacks in the league in Carson Palmer and one of the best receiving corps (if they can get Johnson, Henry and T.J. Houshmandzadeh on the field at the same time). They also added TE Ben Utecht for more offensive firepower and plan to use RB Kenny Watson and RB Chris Perry more in place of Rudi Johnson, who's almost completely washed up.

Of course, the odds of all those players being on the field at the same time are not good, and neither is the Bengals defense, which should lead to another losing season and to Lewis losing his job. (Take heart, Bengals fans: I had Crennel and Tom Coughlin fired at this point last year too!)

Baltimore Ravens: What am I supposed to write about the one team that lost to the 1-15 Dolphins?

Of course, there's a chance the team could get inspired under new head coach John Harbaugh and play more like the way they did against the New England Patriots when they nearly took down the undefeated Pats last year. The team seemed like it grew tired of former coach/alleged offensive genius and his underwhelming work with the Ravens offense. Ok, maybe it was just the Ravens defensive players that were underwhelmed by the Ravens offense.

Maybe the Ravens will bounce back into the 13-3 form of two years ago.

Then I remember that Harbaugh has never been a head coach anywhere (he must've done an extra special job of coaching Special Teams and defensive backs before he got to Baltimore). I also remember that the Ravens defense (their signature for the decade) is over the hill and probably entering its last productive season and that the same could possibly be said for injury-plagued RB Willis McGahee.

At least they have not one (Kyle Boller), not two (Troy Smith, pictured, left, with Boller), but three (first-round pick Joe Flacco) quarterbacks vying for the starting job. Oh wait, having no idea which guy out of three candidates is your starting QB is a BAD thing. Especially when one of them is Kyle Boller.

2008 NFL Preview: NFC North

Since I'm heading to the land of the NFC North — land of chilly weather and crappy quarterbacks — next week for my vacation, why not take a look at that division next?

NFC North
1. Minnesota Vikings (9-7)
2. Green Bay Packers (8-8)
3. Detroit Lions (6-10)
4. Chicago Bears (3-13)

Minnesota Vikings: I think Tarvaris Jackson (pictured, left) is terrible. This has been well-documented and I've never really seen anything to make me think otherwise.

How bad is he? He's pretty much the only reason I have any doubt about the Vikings winning the division. He's also the main reason this team has "Wild Card Weekend loss in the Playoffs" written all over them. In his first full year as a starter last season, he didn't exactly inspire a ton of confidence — why else would the Vikings actively and (allegedly) illegally pursue Brett Favre in the offseason?

I actually would liked to have seen the Vikes go after someone steady like Chad Pennington (instead of Favre) because here's the thing — the QB of this team doesn't have to be great — he just has to not be bad (which has proven a tough task for him thus far). I get that Jackson has more potential, but this team is ready and able to win now.

That's because they still have an absolute monster offensive line leading the way for an absolute monster running game. Adrian Peterson returns for his sophomore season and he still has a capable backup in Chester Taylor for when he gets hurt (notice I didn't say "if"). The Vikes also added former Bears WR Bernard Berrian, who's a little overrated, but has plenty of experience catching deep passes from substandard quarterbacks.

What about their defense you ask? Well they've been the best against the run for two years in a row. Of course, they were dead last against the pass, but they added the best available pass rusher (DE Jared Allen) in the offseason.

This team made some good moves in the offseason, and is ready to make a strong playoff run. Now all they need is for their quarterback to not ruin it for them.

Green Bay Packers: Since I'm not exactly a fan of Brett Favre, it's not difficult to admit there's a little part of me that's rooting for Aaron Rodgers (pictured, right) to succeed (or at least not fall flat on his face).

He's got as good a chance as any, as he inherits a team that went 13-3 last year and was a game (and an INT by you-know-who) away from the Super Bowl.

So why don't I have them repeating as division champions. Well, there's still the matter of Rodgers having almost no experience as an NFL quarterback. There's also the fact that his health has been an issue and, if he DOES go down (a decent bet), all the Packers have to back him up are a couple of rookies and their season would probably be over. There's also the small matter of no player in the league having more pressure on him than Rodgers.

I expect the Packers' defense to continue to be very, very good, but I think their offense will take a step back. RB Ryan Grant played out of his mind last year, but, let's remember — his career so far really consists of one solid half of a season. He also got a nice fat contract as a reward, so there's a chance complacency might set in. I also don't think WR Greg Jennings and James Jones are quite as good as their performances last year and REALLY benefited from playing with Favre.

I think this year will be a learning curve for Rodgers and the team will probably come back stronger in 2009. By then, every Favre fan in Green Bay should be tired of booing every Rodgers incompletion and interception and throwing tomatoes at GM Ted Thompson in the streets.

Detroit Lions: With "offensive mastermind" Mike Martz gone (the Lions finished 19th in offense last season), head coach Rod Marinelli will look to remake his team into a defensive minded, run-oriented squad.

At least he'll try. He shouldn't ignore that he's got the best quarterback in the division (seriously!) in Jon Kitna and two of the biggest receiving threats in Roy Williams and Calvin Johnson. Marinelli will want to run the ball, but his two main options are Tatum Bell, who went into the witness protection program for the second half of last season, and rookie RB Kevin Smith as the likely starter.

Most importantly, Marinelli is going to HAVE to update the defense which finished dead last in yards per game allowed. To help remedy that, he's brought in a couple of former Buccaneer secondary players (Brian Kelly and Dwight Smith) Marinelli knows from his days as a Tampa assistant. Personally, I'd be more excited about those signings if this were 2003, but Kelly and Smith should help a bit (they can't make it worse).

In a nutshell, the Lions won't be very good (what else is new?), but they'll be fun to watch (that IS new). Also, Matt Millen (pictured, left) will get to keep his job (file under: "what else is new?")

Chicago Bears: Is this team — with mostly the same roster — really just two years removed from a Super Bowl appearance?

With Kyle Orton "winning" the starting QB job over Rex Grossman (is there really a winner?), comes the end of the quarterback controversy involving the least amount of talent in recent NFL history. The only upside is that now my boy Grossman (Gator!) won't have to answer questions about when he'll be benched every week.

For added fun, they lost their entire receiving corps (Bernard Berrian, Mushin Mohammad) and replaced them with Brandon Lloyd (who was a huge disappointment in San Francisco) and Marty Booker (are we sure this isn't 2003).

Finally, All-Pro knucklehead Cedric Benson — who was arrested in the offseason for Boating While Intoxicated and for the murder of my fantasy football season last year — is gone, making way for rookie running back Matt Forte, who I actually think will be a pleasant surprise this year. Then again, pretty much anyone will look pleasant by comparison after Benson stunk up the joint last year.

The Bears defense, which bailed them out of many games over the last few years, started to show some cracks this season. Right now, with LB and leader Brian Urlacher coming off an injury, the defense is right on the brink of being over the hill.

Bottom line — it's rarely a good sign when the best player on your team (Devin Hester, pictured, right), is your kick returner.

Tropic Thunder Review

Making a good comedy is already difficult enough, but coming up with something that's both really smart AND incredibly dumb is a probably the trickiest balancing act anybody can try.

Director Ben Stiller — who's been landing on the "incredibly dumb" side of the spectrum WAY too much lately — mostly succeeds with "Tropic Thunder."

The film centers around a group of actors — played by Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Robert Downey Jr., Brandon T. Jackson and Jay Baruchel — in the middle of a disastrous shoot for a Vietnam War epic who are dropped into the jungle to amp up the authenticity, but end up in the middle of a real-life conflict.

"Tropic Thunder" drew accusations that it was racist before anybody even saw the movie (because of Robert Downey Jr.'s character) and, once everybody got around to actually watching the movie, it drew fire for making fun of the mentally handicap (a recurring gag in the movie).

I would never tell anyone that they shouldn't be offended, because I'm fortunate enough to not have anyone close to me suffering from a mental disability. However, I think it's important to note that the movie is CLEARLY mocking self-involved actors who go to physical extremes for their roles and the fact that certain roles are more likely to get you nominated for an Oscar, and not African-Americans or the mentally challenged, respectively. I mean, in my opinion, dyeing your skin is only slightly more ridiculous and unhealthy than gaining or losing 70 lbs for a role.

Stiller stars as Tugg Speedman, the latest in the actor's long resume of overly-cocky dimbulb characters. Speedman is an action looking for a comeback after a failed bid for dramatic credibility ("Simple Jack"). While Stiller is good here — closer to "Zoolander," and not as obnoxious as in "Dodgeball" — what really impressed me were his skills as a director. Sure, sometimes scenes come to a halt while his actors show off their improv skills, but for the most part he keeps the movie going and actually makes the film look like a credible action flick (which is important).

The terrific year for Robert Downey Jr. continues as he pretty much steals the show as 5-time Oscar-winning actor Kirk Lazarus, who's had his skin dyed to play the platoon's black sergeant. Downey is hilarious (though a little incomprehensible at times with his jive talking) as an actor who stays in character no matter what. The part where he, while still playing the black character, disguises himself as an Asian nearly made my head explode. Meanwhile, Jack Black is good for a few laughs as Jeff Portnoy, star of the Nutty Professor-like "Fatty" films. I wish they'd played more with the "comic actor trying to be dramatic" angle (I like his soldier character's "serious" voice) instead of the "drug addict aching for a fix" thing which was occasionally funny, but mostly repetitive.

I was actually a little more impressed with Jackson as rapper Alpa Chino (I didn't get it until I heard it out loud), who clashes with Lazarus, and with Jay Baruchel, as a shy up-and-coming actor and the only person in the cast who seems to have a clue — each have potential to do some good things down the line. I also think young actor Brandon Soo Hoo is a find, in case anybody else ever decides to cast a good Asian child actor in a non-martial arts movie again.

I also enjoyed Steve Coogan as overburdened director Damien Cockburn (see the level of some of the humor here?), and Danny McBride as an overzealous explosives expert (I'm sorry his explosion in "Driving Miss Daisy" was not used), but the big story is the not-so-surprise appearance of Tom Cruise as Les Grossman, a bald, profane and hairy studio exec.

I think it's a brilliant part for Cruise to play, and he does so very well (though I'm not sure about the dancing). Then again, I wasn't one of those people who started hating Tom Cruise a few years ago, so I'm not exactly seeing it as this big career-saving thing like a lot of other people. Also, I kind of enjoyed Nick Nolte more, as the eccentric author of the book the fake movie is based on, because I couldn't tell if he was acting most of the time.

As you can probably tell, this movie is packed with stars and I haven't even gotten around to all the other cameos I'll try not to spoil for you. The problem is that, with all this going on, the movie feels overstuffed at times. For example, I didn't really care for Matthew McConaughey's character (originally to be played by Owen Wilson) and could easily have seen his role end up on the deleted scenes in the DVD. There are also a LOT of jokes and, inevitably, not all of them hit the mark.

In the end though, I'm a sucker for silly movies-within-movies and fake trailers (Tobey Maguire gives his best performance his in this flick — I mean that) and "Tropic Thunder" has plenty of that.

More importantly, the movie mostly does a fine job of utilizing its talented cast and delivering the funny in both a smart and dumb way.

Tropic Thunder...B+

Project Runway Rundown: Dipstick Jungle

After a few false starts, I'm finally digging the new season of "Project Runway" after the second consecutive entertaining episode.

It was so good, that I'm willing to overlook the way the judges completely botched almost every single decision they made last night.

I'm looking past that because last night was educational. We learned it's not a good idea to piss off a black woman (at least Suede and Joe did) and that the show will always favor a big personality over a deserving designer. Oh wait, we already knew both those things.

The episode didn't get off to a promising start with Blayne bringing back –licious (Team Dramalicious) following a much appreciated one-week hiatus. Soon, the designers learned this week's challenge would be to design an outfit for a high-powered woman, leading to some more spectacularly wrong guesses (though a Hilary Clinton episode would be a sight to behold).

I'm not quite sure why they tried to make the appearance of this week's guest judge — Brooke Shields (pictured, left, with Nina Garcia) — a surprise, since anyone who's had a TV tuned to Bravo in the past week knew it would be her.

The designers would be creating an outfit for her character — Wendy Somethingorother (I don't care) — to wear on Shields' show, "Lipstick Jungle". If Bravo was going to pimp another NBC show, couldn't they have picked a good one. And what's with Tim Gunn repeatedly emphasizing the magnitude of this week's prize (having one of their looks worn on TV)? Did I miss something? Aren't all of these peoples' looks shown on TV every week already?

Anyway, Tim also announced that this would be a two-person team challenge about 20 seconds after I turned to my girl Erica and said "you know, they haven't had any team challenges this year?" The 12 designers presented their sketches to Brooke, who seemed kind and knowledgeable and mostly did a good job of hiding her disgust toward Blayne's and Stella's designs. Shields picked six designers who would serve as team captains/scapegoats (if their team performed poorly).

The teams were Keith and Kenley, Blayne and Leann, Korto and Joe, Terri and Suede, Kelli and Daniel, and Jerrell and Stella. In the least surprising development of the evening Stella was picked last (or not picked at all, technically). I'm also convinced the producers nudged Shields to select Blayne as a captain to stir things up and you can't change my mind.

Surprisingly, Jerrell (showing a bit of maturity and humility this week ) and Stella were the only drama-free duo.

Daniel wasn't thrilled to be working on Kelli's cheetah-licious (damn you, Blayne!!!) outfit because it wasn't "high-fashion" enough. Meanwhile, Korto got a nice view from under the bus after Joe agreed with Tim Gunn's "giant sweet potato" assessment of her jacket, but never bothered to tell her his feelings.

Terri and Suede had the most entertaining exchange of the day after Suede seemingly botched the couple's top. Suede seemed legitimately terrified of Terri who wondered if he was "packing balls or a vajayjay" (we're all wondering that) and said she wouldn't work with any babies. Actually, what she really said was "ain't nobody sucking on my titties", but I'm still a little shocked she actually said that. Awesome!

Keith and Kenley didn't even wait to get to the workroom to fight as they clashed over fabric at Mood (Tim Gunn stepped in and helped them before they incorporated a truly hideous-looking piece of fabric). At first I thought Kenley was coming off as kind of a bitch (especially when she was talking about her lack of faith in Keith's work behind his back). However, when she expressed those concerns to him in person, I realized she just has a strong personality and is really opinionated. (I hate when people talk trash behind someone's back and then smile in their face). Most importantly, she earned MAJOR brownie points when she openly laughed at Daniel after he claimed (once again) that his taste was impeccable. This guy is giving Blayne a major run for the title of "biggest space cadet."

The judges selected Keith/Kenley and Jerrell/Stella as their top two, while putting Kelli/Daniel, Blayne/Leann in the bottom two. Personally, I would've substituted Korto's outfit (looking more fitted and a lot less like a sweet potato) for Keith and Kenley's, but it was close.

What wasn't close, in my opinion, was that Jerrell and Stella deserved to win. Shields didn't seemed too thrilled with the zebra belt (which could easily come off), but the rest of the judges swooned over Jerrella's outfits, which seemed like a true collaboration between the two. Oh well. I can't really blame Shields for picking the prettier (and slightly more conventional) design by Keith, who looked completely stressed out this week after working with Kenley and looked like he needed the prize.

Meanwhile, Keith's workout buddy Daniel inexplicably skated elimination. He had botched the skirt and embarrassed himself in front of the judges with his "my taste is impeccable" bit, but didn't even land in the bottom two.

When it came down to Kelli and Blayne, there was no doubt in my mind Kelli was going home. Nevermind the fact that she won the first challenge and hadn't been anywhere near the bottom since and that Blayne has been in the bottom TWO twice and hasn't really designed anything that's any good (including this week's WAY too casual shorts outfit). Either Blayne or (especially) Daniel should've gotten the boot.

Oh well, I present Kelli with the "Allison Kelly" award for "Project Runway" contestant sent home WAY before their time in favor of a loonier personality (Kit Pistol won last year).

So what'd you think of this episode? Why is the winner of the "Allison Kelly" award always a blonde white girl? Is there anyone more boring than Leann? Who's weirder Blayne or Daniel? Did the judges get ANYTHING right last night? Finally, how excited are you about the return of Chris March next week? (Me? VERY)

2008 NFL Preview: AFC West

I previewed the NFC West yesterday, so why don't we take a look at the AFC West, which turned out to be most controversial preview column last year.

(NOTE: I blasted them for acting like babies and dared to predict the Broncos would finish ahead of the Chargers [whoops], but other than that, I had them going 11-5 and falling short of the Super Bowl, which is actually exactly what happened. I also love how they came out of the woodwork AFTER the season was over.)

Will I be cursed at again this year? (The answer is YES, though me being cursed at probably has less to do with what I write in this column and more to do with people just enjoying cursing at me.)

AFC West

1. San Diego Chargers (12-4)
2. Denver Broncos (8-8)
3. Kansas City Chiefs (6-10)
4. Oakland Raiders (4-12)

San Diego Chargers: It's no secret that I'm not the biggest San Diego Chargers fan. Sure, they've had an incredibly talented roster the last few years, but they've also been an obnoxious (Philip Rivers), preening (Shawne Merriman), trash-talking (Rivers and Merriman) and underachieving (LaDainian Tomlinson in the playoffs) group. They sort of reminded me of the early 2000's Baltimore Ravens — but without the Super Bowl win.

However, that perception changed for me last year when the Chargers finally broke through by winning in the playoffs and, more importantly, showed heart in doing so, going into Indianapolis and winning with their three best offensive players injured. (It's with a heavy heart that I pass the obnoxious, preening, trash-talking and underachieving crown to the Dallas Cowboys of the new millennium.)

I expect San Diego to build on that momentum from last year. They didn't make any major additions in free agency, but they didn't have to. Their only major loss was backup RB Michael Turning going to the Falcons (he was crucial since LT is about to start declining), but did a nice job of replacing him, in part, through the draft with Jacob Hester (the explosive Darren Sproles will also help). The defense will still be one of best in the conference, and Philip Rivers (pictured, right) looks good in camp so far coming off his injury. He'll have WR Cris Chambers for a full season this time.

They're a lock to win their division because they're really good and because the other three teams are rebuilding (though I'm pretty sure Denver doesn't realize they're rebuilding).

They've also passed the Indianapolis Colts (who they clearly OWN) as the second best team in the AFC, which should set up another terrific confrontation in the playoffs. Overall, Chargers fans should have plenty to be happy about (even though a couple of them are cranky bitches).

Denver Broncos: This team suffered its share of injuries last year, but mostly suffered due to its surprisingly terrible defense (third worst against the run). Unfortunately, they didn't make too many significant upgrades to said defense and a couple of key players, like CB Champ Bailey and new LB Boss Bailey (no relation), are dealing with nagging injuries during the preseason.

In his first year as a starter QB Jay Cutler had his ups and downs, but still came away with pretty impressive numbers (20TDs, 14 INTs). I'd like to think that he'll continue to get better, but I'm actually not so sure, because the Broncos will be trying to break in a few new starters on their offensive line (never a good thing). Still, that shouldn't stop them from having one (or two) rush for over 1,000 yards because that's just what the Broncos do. (That and frustrate fantasy owners with their running back-by-committee.)

Also not helping Cutler's development is the fact that Brandon Marshall (pictured, left), his best weapon is a total knucklehead — a talented knucklehead, sure (1325 Yds, 7 TDs), but a knucklehead nonetheless.

I think the Broncos will struggle this year, but still end up with a decent record, mostly due to the terrible division they play in.

Kansas City Chiefs: The illustrious Damon Huard era has come to an end in Kansas City, paving the way for Brodie Croyle's time as the Chief's QB. Ok, maybe it wasn't so illustrious since I had to look online just now to see who the team's QB was before Croyle took over in the second half of last season.

Croyle showed signs of being something last year and they Chiefs discovered they have a potential 1 WR in Dwayne Bowe, but they're still a few years away from the playoffs. Since Croyle isn't quite ready yet, defenses should still be able to key in on star RB Larry Johnson, who battled injuries last year.

On the defensive side of the ball, they drafted LSU's Glenn Dorsey, widely regarded as the best lineman and, by some, the best player in the draft. Unfortunately, they also lost DE Jared Allen, one of the league's best pass rushers, to the Vikings. Coach Herm Edwards better watch his job.

That sound you hear is Hall of Fame TE Tony Gonzalez (pictured, right) gently weeping after realizing his career is going to end playing for a 6-10/5-11 team.

Oakland Raiders: I was actually surprised and a little impressed by the spunk the Raiders showed in a lot of their games (they won't on to lose anyway) last year.

That's why it was a little startling to see owner/crazy old man Al Davis (pictured, left) try to fire first-year coach Lane Kiffin — it seemed like the players were really responding to him, so I don't understand why he'd want to mess with that.

I have no idea if JaMarcus Russell is any good. He definitely has the physical gifts (and no that's not a crack about his reported near-300lbs frame), but I'd be more excited about his chances of success if his two main targets weren't a washed-up looking Javon Walker and an uneven converted basketball player (Ronald Curry).

The big offseason acquisition was the drafting of rookie RB Darren McFadden in the first round. His explosiveness and playmaking ability should help the team, though I'm not sure how often we'll be able to see the guy — it's kinda hard to go to the ground and show off your stud running back when you're behind all the time.

Though the Raiders also boast a solid defense and several exciting players, every time you try to talk yourself into thinking this team is a contender remember one thing — no team run by a crazy old man in lady glasses will ever get anywhere.

2008 NFL Preview: NFC West

To prove that there's no East Coast bias in this column, I'll preview the NFC and AFC West divisions next.

Of course, I already did the NFC and AFC East previews first, so I guess it's too late to not be biased. Then again, I live on the East Coast, so why wouldn't I be biased that way? Of course, I DO live on the West Coast of Florida, so it's not technically — ok, my head hurts. Let's just get this over with:

NFC WEST

1. Arizona Cardinals (9-7)
2. Seattle Seahawks (8-8)
3. St. Louis Rams (6-10)
4. San Francisco 49ers (3-13)

Arizona Cardinals: For the past two off-seasons, NFL prognosticators have been predicting "THIS will be the breakthrough year for the Cardinals", and Arizona promptly responded by being their usual sucky self. It's my belief that if a lot of people are talking about you being a "dark horse" or "surprise" team, that automatically disqualifies you from being either. Those tags usually bring pressure and expectations that borderline bad teams usually can't handle.

Since this is the first time in a few years no one is touting the Cardinals, I'm fully expecting their talented roster to finally break through and win their division (probably the worst in the NFL).

I'm still not crazy about second year coach Ken Whisenhunt's strategy of rotating playing time for his quarterbacks Matt Leinart (pictured, left) and Kurt Warner, but it actually seemed to work for them last year while Leinart was healthy, so I can't argue with it too much. Still, it's imperative for playboy/quarterback Leinart (unfortunately, in that order) to step up, grab the starting job by the throat and have a solid, consistent year.

The defense is still a question, but they should be able to hold up well enough since this team should have no trouble scoring points. Leinart still has standout wide receivers Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Bolden at his disposal in the passing game. The team should also be able to squeeze one more solid season out of RB Edgerrin James before he's completely washed up. Right now he's only mostly washed up.

Seattle Seahawks: I've never given this team — which just keeps winning this division, almost by default — the respect they probably deserve. Unfortunately, that's going to continue this year, as I don't have them qualifying for the post season for the first time in a while.

They took a massive hit last offseason when let All-Pro guard Steve Hutchinson walk to the Vikes. While the move didn't seem like a huge deal at the time, all I know is that the Vikings had more than 2,000 yards on the ground last year with Hutchinson. Meanwhile, to say that Seattle's running game faltered is an understatement — I mean, what the hell happened to former league MVP Shaun Alexander (pictured, right)? Seriously, where is he?!

Fortunately for them, underappreciated QB Matt Hasselbeck stepped up for them and carried the team to the playoffs after coach Mike Holmgren opened up the offense by frequently using four wide receivers (out of necessity). You can probably expect more of the same this year, despite the addition of former Cowboys running back Julius Jones (I expect bigger things out of Maurice Morris).

The only problem is that a few of their best receivers (Bobby Engram and Deion Branch) already have injury issues, so Hasselbeck is going to have to do even more than usual. That'll lead to even more pass attempts than last year, but, with a weak running game, more losses too. (Hopefully, it'll also lead to more points for my fantasy team, since Hasselbeck is my starting QB.)

St. Louis Rams: These guys just had an absolutely depressing season last year. I mean, I'm honestly trying to think of any highlights from them this past season and I got nothing. I mean, even the 1-15 Dolphins had that one victory, right?

It was partly due to injuries to their best players, including QB Marc Bulger and RB Stephen Jackson, but it probably had more to do with me picking them to win their division last year.

Rookie defensive end Chris Long, son of Howie, should make an impact on their defense and, more importantly is a decent bet to inspire at least one "Firestorm" (left) joke.

This year, as long as Bulger and WR Torry Holt are healthy and Jackson, who is currently holding out, is happy, they should bounce back nicely, though not quite nicely enough to make the playoffs.

If it's ok with you, I'm going to stop typing now because I can't think of anything interesting to say about them. Sorry.

San Francisco 49ers: The team brings back sensational rookie linebacker Patrick Willis, who led the team in tackles last season. Then again, it's easier to lead the league in tackles when your defense is on the field all the time.

The addition of offensive coordinator/alleged genius Mike Martz has also given the Niners some buzz.

Lost in all the excitement is the fact that the Niners still have, mostly, the same crappy offensive players they had last year (oh way, they DID add former Cardinals NUMBER 3 receiver Bryant Johnson).

I know Martz has some fantasy about making RB Frank Gore into the new Marshall Faulk, but I just don't see it happening. It's not because Gore (who's also a decent bet to get hurt at some point) isn't any good, but because this team is not any good and will fall behind early and often and, consequently, have to abandon is passing game. How do I know this? Because Gore was my 1st round fantasy pick last year, and week after week I had to sit and suffer through approximately 10 "13 carry, 65 YD games." Can you tell I'm a little bitter?

(NOTE: I hate to be that guy who's always talking about his fantasy team, but that stuff seriously forces you to follow players and teams which you normally wouldn't give a flying fig about, which is actually kinda cool.)

It's all Alex Smith's (pictured, right in a typical play) fault, who, once again, is a strong contender for the "Alex Smith Worst Starter in the League" award. How bad is Alex Smith you say? He's so bad that, despite being a 1 overall pick, he's currently second in the depth chart to J.T. O'Sullivan, a Saints sixth round pick from 2002.

Maybe Mike Martz will mold Smith (or Sullivan) into a decent quarterback. And maybe the Yankees will wake up in time to make the playoffs. And maybe "Superhero Movie" will clean up at the Oscars this year.

As of August 12, all three of these scenarios have the exact same chance of happening.

2008 NFL Preview: AFC East

You may or may not have heard, but an AFC East team got themselves a shiny new quarterback recently.

And I, for one, think Chad Pennington is exactly the sort of player the Dolphins need as they look to rebuild.

(Don't worry, we'll get around to talking about the other new QB in the division since ESPN and the other sports networks have barely mentioned the poor guy.)

AFC East

1. New England Patriots (14-2)
2. New York Jets (8-8)
3. Buffalo Bills (7-9)
4. Miami Dolphins (4-12)

New England Patriots: Sure, their old defense is another year older and it lost, probably, its best player in Asante Samuel to free agency (though they added highly-regarded rookie linebacker Jerrod Mayo thanks to their preposterously high first round draft pick). But this squad is still (mostly) the same group of players who set about destroying the rest of the NFL for much of last season.

While I'm not really expecting Tom Brady to throw 50 TD passes again or Randy Moss (pictured, right, with Brady) to break the receiving touchdown record, I can't fully rule it out either. Last year, the players seemed determined to prove they didn't need video cameras to win games (except for Super Bowls). This year, after coming up a game short of the greatest single season of all time, I expect them to be more motivated than they'd be if they'd won it all.

I also expect them to drop a game relatively early on in the season (maybe even on purpose) so they don't have to suffer though the intense pressure of being perfect and we don't have to suffer the intense irritation of more interviews with members of the undefeated 1972 Miami Dolphins team.

New York Jets: Before they acquired Brett Favre (pictured, left), I expected the Jets to finish second in their division and miss the playoffs. Now, I expect them to finish second in their division, miss the playoffs, but do so with a LOT more cameras around.

To be fair, I also expect them to have a better record with Favre (I had them around 6 or 7 before his Brettness got there). But despite an aggressive offseason which saw them retool their offensive line (which I like a lot) I just don't see them being quite good enough to grab one of the two wild card spots. (And they ARE playing for a wild card spot thanks to the Pats).

I like what Favre brings to the offense (particularly deep threats Laveranues Coles and Jerricho Cotchery) and I like what he'll do for Thomas Jones and the Jets running game.

However, I'm still not really thrilled with Favre himself. Yeah, yeah, I know he's not exactly crying in a corner over reading that I'm not thrilled with him (though even if he WERE crying, how would we know he meant it?).

WAY too many words have been written about the Favre/Packers saga (which was pretty much COMPLETELY botched by both parties), so I won't get too much into it.

I'll just reiterate what I said last year when I blasted the guy — if any other athlete tried to pull off the crap that Favre has done (seriously, I suggest you read up on it and listen to his interviews) he'd be absolutely crushed by the media and fans. It's not about being wishy-washy about retirement (I totally get that), it's holding up the franchise you claim to love, trying to dictate to people where you're going to go, etc. Other (and, yes, blacker) athletes have been KILLED in the media for the exact same stuff. Instead, most sports writers can't shake off their sickening man-crush on the guy to write objectively on the matter.

I also don't get the feeling he's super-thrilled to be playing in New York/New Jersey and I feel like he's giving off an "it is what it is" vibe. Welcome to the Favre era in New York!

Buffalo/Toronto Bills: I honestly have no idea how this team played as well as it did last year with virtually no offensive weapons other than standout rookie running back Marshawn Lynch.

Well actually, I do have an idea and it's the oldest adage in football — they ran the ball and played decent defense. They also played HARD for their coach Dick Jauron, who they love.

They addressed some needs by adding former Jaguars defensive tackle Marcus Stroud to their D-line and spent a high draft pick on receiver James Hardy.

Unfortunately, their quarterback situation still, for lack of a better term, sucks. Former starter J.P. Losman is still on the team, but he's been a disappointment and will likely be backing up second year man Trent Edwards, who "solidified" the starting spot after coming in last year and throwing 7 TDs and 8 INT (the Edwards/Losman duo had 11 TDs and 14 INTs combined).

If they can somehow get solid play out of Edwards (pictured, right, though, be honest - you would have no idea if I put a random guy's picture up there), I like the team's chances of making a playoff push. However, if you glanced at my projected record for the Bills I don't expect them to get solid play out of Edwards. In fact, he might end up being a contender for the "Alex Smith Worst Starting QB in the League Award." I think he and this team are still a year away after overachieving last year.

At least they get to play in Canada for one game this year. That's fun, right?

Miami Dolphins: After a 1-15 season, there's nowhere to go but up, right? Right?!

I'd like to think so, but I just don't know. Their running back situation is uncertain — with Ronnie Brown coming off a serious injury, they'll have to rely on Ricky Williams (pictured, left). I'll say again, THEY'LL HAVE TO RELY ON RICKY WILLIAMS. This from the guy who made his triumphant return last year — and got hurt after just one game, six carries and 15 yards. Hopefully, he'll be able to pull himself away from seeing "Pineapple Express" for a sixth time to contribute.

They don't have any potent weapons on offense (I like Pennington, but he doesn't count; Ted Ginn Jr. doesn't count yet) and Hall of Fame coach Bill Parcells, their new vice president of football operations, decided it would be a good idea to alienate the team's best defensive player (actually the team's best player, period) Jason Taylor.

I know Parcells has a reputation for turning teams around in a big way and in a hurry, but I just don't see it happening this year, not in this division and not in this conference. Also, not under a rookie head coach in Tony Sparano (Parcells himself coached those other turnarounds). They'll play a lot harder this year and be more competitive, but they'll still be really bad.

2008 NFL Preview: NFC East

This column is rated PE for Potentially Embarrassing

From the guy who predicted the Bucs and Packers would finish last in their respective divisions this past season (they finished first) and — most famously — that the New York Giants would also finish last in their division AND fire their coach, comes a new round of predictions that are sure to be disastrously wrong!

I’m not asking you to read on because I claim to have any sort of NFL expertise or keen insight. Nobody (and ESPECIALLY not me) knows what’s going to happen in any given NFL season. If they claim they do or that any sort of majority of their pre-season predictions came to fruition, they’re absolutely full of it.

I’m asking you to read on so that, a little under a year from now, you can come back and make fun of me for how spectacularly off I was. It’s no fun to give someone credit when they’re right. I realize we’d all rather point and laugh when someone falls on their face. It’s ok. I can take it.

Why not get started with the division that produced my most spectacularly off prediction of all? Do I dare predict (again!) that the defending Super Bowl champion Giants will finish in last place? I can’t possibly be THAT stupid, right?

(Note: Once again, I'm going to be predicting records for each team, but I'm not going to bother and check whether they're mathematically possible and symmetrical with each team's schedule. It’s too much work, and I'd rather let someone smarter do that.)

NFC East

1. Dallas Cowboys (12-4)
2. Washington Redskins (10-6)
3. Philadelphia Eagles (9-7)
4. New York Giants (7-9)

Dallas Cowboys: Anyone who knows me knows how much it pains me to write this, but there’s just no denying the Cowboys place atop the division (and, probably, the conference) based on their talent.

They didn’t have any major losses in the offseason from a roster that was, arguably, the most talented in the NFC last year. And that was before they added key players like promising rookie running back Felix Jones from Arkansas and Adam “Pacman” Jones (pictured, left), who is probably just as likely to return a kick for a touchdown as he is to land in prison again.

That being said, I actually think he’s going to behave this year. Head coach Wade Phillips may not be a strategic mastermind, but his non-abrasive style seems to get his players to perform for him and to care about each other (maybe a bit TOO much). As long as they can keep their wild card players in line, and as long as they keep Jessica Simpson away from the stadium for important games, they should be fine.

In fact, if the franchise and its franchise quarterback had actually won a playoff game in the last decade, I’d probably pencil them in for a Super Bowl slot.

Washington Redskins: Other than bringing in a ballroom dancing competition runner-up (Jason Taylor, pictured, right) to shore up the defensive line, this is the second consecutive offseason in which the Redskins stayed relatively put after years of headline-grabbing signings of over-the-hill free agents that didn’t help the team develop any chemistry. And for the second year in a row, I think it’ll pay off.

Rookie head coach Jim Zorn and his new offense replace Hall of Famer Joe Gibbs, whose offense often looked stuck in the early 90’s. This will help quarterback Jason Campbell, who will continue to get better this year and who I like to make the leap and become a Pro Bowl quarterback, as well as primary receiver Santana Moss, who was on the side of a milk carton for much of last season. Clinton Portis should have another big year, but if he doesn’t, the ‘Skins have a capable backup in LaDell Betts. I like them to grab one of the wild card spots.

Philadelphia Eagles: I realize they had an absolutely disastrous season last year with Donovan McNabb’s annual injury and other team health problems, and head coach Andy Reid’s personal issues.

Still, I expect the Reid and his staff (the best in the division, by far) to come back strong and focused. They added former New England cornerback Asante Samuel (who they’ll need against division rivals like Terrell Owens and Plaxico Burress) to an already-strong secondary. I also expect McNabb to come back full-strength, since he probably came back a little too soon from his leg injury last year. They still don’t have a real deep threat beyond Kevin Curtis, so Brian Westbrook (pictured, left) will have to be the best player on the team again for the Eagles to have success.

Then again, if Westbrook gets hurt at any point this season, they’re screwed and I’ll ask you to kindly forget everything I wrote just now.

New York Giants: Whenever I ask if I’m really stupid enough to do ANYTHING, the answer is always “yes,” because I’m incredibly stupid.

How else could I justify having the Giants finish last in their own division after they knocked off the 18-0 Patriots and ended up on the mountaintop, led by Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning (pictured, right).

I would concede that they’re not going to fire their coach this year, but I could also tell you that I believe they just got unbelievably hot for a month at the end of last season (winning four straight tough playoff games on the road) and that they aren’t really as good as that streak. I’d probably point out that they’ve lost several key players (Michael Strahan, Gibril Wilson, Kawika Mitchell and, to a lesser extent Jeremy Shockey, who was absent for the Super Bowl run) while not making any significant additions. I’d also probably mention they have to play in one of the two toughest divisions in the league (along with the AFC South).

Then again, if you’re a Giants fan you’re probably glad I’m picking them last. I mean, look how it turned out last time.

Project Runway Rundown: Dread, White and Blue

I always thought the Olympics were a little gay.

Before you start typing your hate mail, I don't mean that as a slam at all. I really enjoy the Olympics and I've seen a significant portion of every summer and winter competition I can remember in my lifetime. What I mean is with all the tight outfits, pageantry and general androgyny among many of the athletes, I always figured the gays would be drawn to the Olympics more than to stuff like hockey or football.

Judging by last night's episode of "Project Runway," that's not necessarily the case.

After a "let's eliminate a model" session that was only notable for the fact that Heidi was wearing a puffy shirt, the designers followed Tim Gunn to the National Track and Field Hall of Fame Museum at the Armory in Washington Heights. There, they met up with Olympic gold medal winner/ballroom dancer Apolo "Apparently No Longer Anton" Ohno, who displayed his versatility by showing he can not only skate on ice, but on a hard track.

Ohno (pictured, right with Tim Gunn) introduced the (timely/cash-in for NBC) challenge, which was to design an outfit for the Olympic opening ceremonies this Friday (I detected a huge sigh of relief when Ohno told them they'd only be designing womenswear).

I was a lot more excited about this challenge before I realized the Olympians wouldn't actually be wearing the "Project Runway" designs in Beijing, but this episode — probably my favorite this season — still provided plenty of entertainment. (Most importantly, this episode also provided a complete break from the term "-licious" and from Suede referring to himself in the third person.)

The designers were allowed to wander aimlessly/hopelessly through, I mean seek inspiration from the Hall of Fame museum and we learned that many of the designers aren't all that much into sports (shocker, right?!). Conversely, we learned Joe the Token Straight Guy is totally into sports (because, he's straight!) and felt like he had this challenge in the bag.

The teams made their brief stop at Mood, which was only notable for a small incident in which Keith apparently took Terri's fabric. Two things: 1. this is the second week in a row there's been some pseudo-manufactured drama about Keith being an a-hole (I'm not buying it). 2. Terri and her "Oh no you di-in't" established herself as the "sassy black woman" this season, as opposed to Korto, who's the "earthy black woman." (We all know, "sassy", "earthy," and "bitchy/Omarosa" are the only types of black women allowed on reality TV.)

Anyway, I was delighted to see this episode spend a large amount of time in the workroom with the designers. We learned about Korto's past before coming to the U.S. (which makes me think the producers are setting her up for a long, possibly Bryant Park run), Blayne CAN be funny on purpose ("If tanning were a sport, it'd only go up to a bronze medal") and that Joe could use a little self-awareness.

How'd you like his workroom meltdown after Daniel (who ALWAYS looks like he's out of it) re-threaded one of his sewing machines? He claimed that there was too much drama in the workroom because there were too many queens, but Joe was the only one kicking up a fuss.

Tim dropped by for his visit and was made to feel extremely old by Blayne, who had no idea what "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" was, and whose only frame of reference for the Beatles is "Across the Universe." I must be feeling generous this week because I'm NOT going to kill Blayne for that one. I mean, he's a young guy, so why WOULD he be into "Sgt. Pepper's." I realize it's a landmark album, and, personally, I'm aware of the album, but I've never sat down and listened to it — so I can't exactly kill a guy for not knowing the album. That would make me a hypocrite — like Joe.

The runway came and what we got were mostly hot messes that looked more like superhero costumes than something our country's athletes would ever actually wear in public.

The top three were Korto, Terri and Joe, while the bottom three was Jerrell, Jennifer and Daniel. Once again, Stella inexplicably escaped the bottom three (black does NOT equal Olympics), while Kenley was lucky she had immunity because her dress was just as purple as Daniel's.

For the second week in a row, Terri came up JUST short of winning a challenge, though I actually preferred her blazer, pants, etc. combo to Korto's flowy white pants and sporty designs. Still, I can understand why Korto won, since the white outfit seems more like something athletes would wear (if this challenge had any real stakes). Joe settled for third place after designing a skort outfit that was sporty, but not much else. Also, I just don't like the word "skort."

Something surprising happened when the judges critiqued the bottom three. No, not that Jennifer got eliminated for designing her second matronly outfit in a row (ouch!). I mean that outfit was the complete opposite of the Olympics. Also, someone needs to explain to her what surrealism means. To paraphrase Inigo Montoya from "The Princess Bride": "I do not think that word means what you think it means."

No what surprised me is that I actually felt a little bad for Jerrell after Michael Kors openly laughed out loud at his outfit. I don't even particularly like Jerrell, but I was embarrassed for him. I mean, it wasn't that his garment was badly made — it was just completely wrong! Am I actually starting to, um, care for these people?

So what'd you think of this episode? Tim Gunn isn't going to use "holla at cha boy" every week now, is he? Is Apolo Ohno really "one of the most stylish Olympics athletes" as Heidi said? (I thought about it, and I guess he is.) Finally, do bikers REALLY watch the Olympics en masse (as Stella suggested)?

Random Thought of the Moment: Aficionado Edition

As a huge fan of the completely random, I thought I'd write a few words about a trend I've noticed lately. Of course, by "lately", I mean the last week and by "trend", I mean something that happened twice.

I was delighted when actress/comedienne Sandra Bernhard was a guest judge on "Project Runway" this week and was given the title "New York nightlife aficionado." (I mean, is "fan of the New York City nightlife" something you'd actually put on a resume?)

I figured that would be my favorite dubious title of the week until last night, when I was watching HGTV's Summer Showdown, and one of the guest judges was "Little Man" auteur and, yep, "design aficionado" Keenan Ivory Wayans. I mean, who knew that, in between directing terrible movies starring his brothers, Wayans had such an affinity for "design." Former Daily Show correspondent Beth Littleford was a guest judge along with Wayans, but I guess her love of "design" isn't strong enough for her to be labeled an "aficionado."

So what's your favorite dubious title? I'm still a fan of "Charity and campaign worker Heather Mills on "Dancing with the Stars" (I guess, "Golddigger" or "amputee" would've been too direct) Finally, what are YOU an aficionado of? (All I know is that if anyone ever holds a "Carrot cake baking" competition, I'm there as the token "carrot cake aficionado.")