NFL Week 8 Picks

I was offline for the better part of last weekend, but now I’m back with a new batch of predictions (sure to go wrong).

Then again, I actually fared decently way back in week 6 (10-4 week, 43-31 season) so let’s take a look at what’s in store for week 8.

MIAMI @ CINCINNATI
Miami’s lost to some really good teams, and they’re actually a little better on the road. Plus, the Bengals are pretty sucky. (Don’t pay attention to those relatively close final scores – that’s mostly Carson Palmer padding his stats in garbage time when the other team stopped trying.)

JACKSONVILLE @ DALLAS
I still haven’t gotten the bad taste of watching the Jags play on Monday Night Football a couple of weeks ago. I was ANGRY at how bad that game was.

WASHINGTON @ DETROIT
Definitely tempting to take the Lions at home (especially now that they’re getting healthier), but they seem to be a trendy pick this week. I’m sticking with the Skins, who have found a way to win close games more often than not this year.

BUFFALO @ KANSAS CITY
More interesting from a fantasy standpoint than from a real-life standpoint. Hey, at least Ryan Fitzpatrick (pictured, left) has made the Bills interesting from ANY standpoint. The Bills aren’t going into Arrowhead and coming out with a win.

CAROLINA @ ST. LOUIS
Nice win by the Panthers last week and tough loss by the Rams in Tampa last week (fortunately, only 800 people saw it in person). I expect the Rams to bounce back with a big win at home. (Which is a sentence I’ve already typed more than once this year – didn’t see that coming!)

GREEN BAY @ N.Y. JETS
Not a good scene for the Packers. Banged up team going on the road…against a good team (with a great defense) coming off a bye…coming off an emotional, draining win. This has letdown written all over it. (I mean, would even Packers fans be mad at them for losing this one?)

DENVER @ SAN FRANCISCO
Sorry, England.

TENNESSEE @ SAN DIEGO
Although it’s fun to watch the Chargers come up with new, creative ways of losing games (false start right before a potential game-tying kick), it’s about time they start turning things around, no?

TAMPA BAY @ ARIZONA
I want to go with my heart, but I’ve seen the Cardinals at home – they’re a different team. (A good team.)

MINNESOTA @ NEW ENGLAND
I realize people are obsessed with whether or not Favre plays, and Randy Moss coming back to New England. I’m flipping this matchup around a bit – this is a HORRIBLE matchup for the Vikings defense (which thrives on putting pressure with their front four) against Tom Brady and a New England offense which is back to dinking and dunking people to death like it’s 2003!

SEATTLE @ OAKLAND
As good as Arizona is at home, that’s how bad Seattle typically is on the road. (Even though I applied this same logic two weeks ago, and the Seahawks beat Chicago on the road.)

PITTSBURGH @ NEW ORLEANS
Pittsburgh could be the best team in the league – but New Orleans NEEDS this one. Badly.

HOUSTON @ INDIANAPOLIS
You’ve gotta go with Peyton Manning at home in primetime. Mostly though I’m hoping for a high-scoring game since three of my offensive fantasy starters are prominently involved.

America's Next Top Recap: Commercial Flops

I usually love commercial week on “Top Model.”

I realize it’s a bit cruel to say, but watching these girls attempt to act and trip over lines that inevitably include the phrase “lash blast” (sometimes while having to do a foreign accent) is a major source of entertainment for me on this show. I was particularly encouraged last night when we learned the girls wouldn’t be selling a Cover Girl product — they’d be shilling “Head to Toe” vitamin water, a fake brand conceived by Tyra based on one of the phrases she made up and desperately tried to coin! (Read that last sentence again, and let the insanity wash over you.)

The commercial even had an original — and amazingly awful — pseudo-rap song for a soundtrack. Also, this year’s “foreign accent” was “roller blades” in the Unnecessary Obstacle sweepstakes.

Still, even though the great majority were every bit as awesomely bad as you would expect a bunch of non-actors to deliver (forget acting — they can barely MODEL!), it was far from a laugh riot thanks to a front-runner’s (literal) stumbles and another contestant’s major revelation.

The episode began with Ms. J and superstar designer Zac Posen stopping by the house and telling the girls they’d be wearing Posen’s 2010 fall collection in a runway show. They would also be walking alongside professional models. (Further hammering home the point that the contestants are not actually models.)

Before the show, Ms. J told the models to be extra bitchy to the contestants in an effort to rattle them and test their resolve before and during the show. I thought it would’ve been funny if the show edited out the scene of Ms. J giving these instructions and we all just assumed the models were major bitches, while my girlfriend preferred to imagine that the models were originally horrible on their own and the scene with Ms. J was added in afterwards.

Either way, the models seized their roles with relish (hey, there WAS some good acting in this episode). I’m not sure if that’s the reason a relatively mediocre runway show — it could just be that the girls aren’t very good models. Ann looked uncomfortable, Liz looked too hoity-toity, but Esther’s wobbly walk was the worst. (Not the last time these three would struggle again.) On the other hand, Jane (who’s coming on as a model lately, if not as an exciting person) did well, but the win (and Zac Posen clothes) belonged to Chelsey, who had a strong, sassy walk.

Later, Mr. Jay and Nigel stopped in for the second rude, unannounced visit at the model house to announce the commercial shoot. In addition to selling (fake) Vitamin Water on roller skates, the girls were supposed to get all kissy with a guy at the end of the commercial.

Kayla was seriously freaking out about the prospect of nuzzling up to a guy. At first, I assumed it was because she was gay — which was also her inspiration for wanting to appear on the Grammys — but she revealed to Mr. Jay that (needle scratching on record sound!) she had been sexually assaulted repeatedly when she was 11 years old. As silly a show as this is, I have to give Mr. Jay credit for handling the matter in a sensitive way and gently reminding Kayla that she couldn’t be a successful model if she was too willing to pass up on certain opportunities.

Kayla’s commercial ended up being not very good, but she engaged the camera pretty well, and Tyra randomly became enamored by the idea that she looked like she was from the hood. Either way, Kayla’s commercial wasn’t even in the top 3 for awfulness.

I’m awarding Liz the bronze medal, even if her laughing through her screw-ups didn’t annoy me nearly as much as it did Nigel. The silver medal of futility has to go to Ann, who fell so often as she tried to get her lines out that the male model ended up spotting her. It was truly uncomfortable to watch.

In a related story, you’re not going to believe this, but Chris — the one person who looked really comfortable on the skates (some backwards action) — did the best and easily earned top honors!

That left Esther (pictured, right) as the winner/loser of the gold medal for awfulness this week. Her commercial was lifeless, dull and completely forgettable. Unfortunately, those nouns can (and were) applied to Esther as well. She was going home even if she hadn’t been in the top 2 along with Ann, who had ZERO chance of going home.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is there a bigger ripoff in this world than the concept of “vitamin water”? Anyone else kinda shocked Kayla’s revelation didn’t come up during panel? Finally, given her performance in the last two weeks and her increasingly shaky confidence, is it actually possible that Ann WON’T win?

Glee: "Rocky" Road

I realize last night was “The Rocky Horror Glee Show” and we’ll get to that eventually.

First, I want to commend the show for finally acknowledging its biggest problem: the fact that its protagonist has morphed into a mind-bogglingly stalker-ish douchebag.

(I’ll try to keep it short because I’M even tired of reading my rants about how much Will Schuester sucks…Matthew Morrison deserves better)

I almost sprained my eyes by how much I was rolling them early on when it was revealed that Will’s sole motivation for having the glee club stage “Rocky Horror” was so he could get close to Emma after he found out she was a big fan of the movie. The problem, of course, is that Emma is in a relationship with a perfectly decent (even if he’s a little full of himself) guy in Carl (John Stamos). The bigger problem is that Carl actually appears to be good for Emma, curbing many of her obsessive compulsive tendencies. The biggest problem is that Will knew all this and STILL actively tried to break up the happy couple…even after he promised Carl he’d back off.

…and this is the guy we’re supposed to root for. That season 1 performance “My Life Would Suck Without U” by the glee club and dedicated to Mr. Schue after everything he did for the club seemed like it happened five years ago.

Leave it to Sue to help Will realize what an ass he’s been recently. Hopefully, the character will now go back to spending more time helping the glee club succeed and less time trying to break up other people’s relationships.

Besides being the “Rocky Horror” episode, it was also Halloween week on “Glee.” Sue (as usual) had the best line when she dubbed the holiday, “the day when parents encourage little boys to dress like little girls, and little girls to dress like whores.” On the other hand, Brittany’s line about how she her costume is a “peanut allergy” may have finally crossed the threshold of how dumb she can be. (I usually find everything she says hilarious, but that was a little too left field for me.)

But enough about the ladies for now. The episode’s most delightful surprise was that it ended up tackling the issue of body issue with men, which, according to Artie, can be traced to the Internet giving women access to porn.

Even if I didn’t totally buy that Finn is really THAT uncomfortable with his body (had we ever even gotten a HINT about this issue?), the arc was well played and addressed an issue I don’t think I’ve ever seen discussed before. Finn was nervous about appearing on stage in his tighty whities, and Sam (with his ridiculously sculpted abs) was little help. That reminds me – I’m still thoroughly enjoying Chord Overstreet and Sam’s cocky dimness on this show. I’m enjoying the fact that he was concerned about “nuttage” in his tiny gold shorts. I’m curious to see how much they continue to use Sam when Puck returns from juvie next week. (The two seem to occupy much of the same space character-wise.)

But this was the “Rocky Horror” episode (directed by Adam Shankman), and I suppose I need to talk about that a little bit. I’m not in the “Rocky Horror” cult by any stretch of the imagination. I went to one of the famous midnight screenings, enjoyed myself and lied about being there before so that I wouldn’t have to go on stage to do “The Time Warp” with the other first-timers.

I liked that they got “Rocky Horror” cast members Barry Bostwick and Meat Loaf to make cameos, but I didn’t care for how bizarre it was. For some reason, they were “X-Files”-ish TV station suits who convinced Sue to join the production so she could do an expose – and obviously Mr. Schue didn’t see through this. You know Dos Equis “Most Interesting Man in the World”? Well, I nominate Will Schuester as the “Most Gullible Man in the World.”

Yikes, I’m slipping into Mr. Schue-bashing again. I’d better start grading the musical performances.

“Science Fiction Double Feature”…A-: The musical portion (sung by Santana’s lips) was short and sweet, but what really impressed me was the way the opening emulated the movie’s credits with the “Glee” characters’ names.

“There’s a Light (Over at the Frankenstein Place)” …Incomplete: Too short for me to give it a proper grade. (Carl barged in and rightfully called out Schue for his shenanigans). The fact that we went straight from the opening into another musical number made me excited about the idea that maybe the entire (or at least most of the) episode would be the kid’s staging the musical…alas it was not to be.

“Damn it, Janet”…B+: It’s a funny song, and one of Corey Monteith’s better moments on the show. Again, too short for my taste, since Sue came in to talk with Will and pulled us away from the action, which featured fun background work.

“Whatever Happened to Saturday Night”…B+: It was really good to finally hear Stamos sing, and see Carl’s swagger as Schue stewed in the corner. Oh wait, I forgot that I’m probably not supposed to be happy that Schue is pissed off. The vocals sounded a little too overproduced, but that’s just the way this show rolls, unfortunately.

“Sweet Transvestite”…C: Don’t get me wrong. Mercedes sounded good, but that’s because Amber Riley pretty much ALWAYS kills it vocally. There were two problems: 1.) It was a typical Mercedes performance, which means she wasn’t really doing Frank-N-Furter. 2.) It makes no sense for someone who is a woman (and is made up to look like a woman) to be singing this song. I feel silly pointing this out).

“Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch-a Touch Me”…B: I’m just going to skim the over Jayma Mays ridiculously overworked vocals (I’m betting she doesn’t have the strongest voice, so I can dig them giving her help). That aside, it was an impressive, sexy number (we need to see THAT side of Emma more) even if my big takeaway was the fact that my abs will never look like Matthew Morrison’s. Actually, my big takeaway was that I would DEFINITELY watch a spin-off starring Brittany and Santana. I’m not sure why they were outside the window, spying on Will and Emma, but it was pretty funny.

“The Time Warp”…A: The best episode-closing number of the season. The choreography was outstanding, the enthusiasm was infectious and even Quinn didn’t sound half bad. (Sounds like Dianna Agron got with a vocal coach this past summer.)

So what’d you think of this episode? Where would you rank it among the show’s other “theme” weeks? What do you think about the show tackling the way men are objectified the same week Agron and Lea Michele stirred up controversy for their GQ photo shoot? Anyone else getting a little annoyed when Mike randomly gets up and starts popping and locking during ever song? Finally, anyone else pretty bummed Tim Curry didn’t show up?

Jackass 3D Review

You know who was my favorite character in “Jackass 3D”?

It wasn’t Steve-O, who displays a curious sense of childlike glee even as the stunt he’s performing is making him sick. It wasn’t Bam Margera, who shares my absolute terror of snakes and my love of sneaking up behind people and punching them in the face with a boxing glove. (Ok, only one of those things is true.) It wasn’t even Johnny Knoxville, the jovial ringleader of the “Jackass” crew.

It was the one camera guy who literally couldn’t stomach some of the antics displayed in the movie and repeatedly vomited. Now THAT’S a stand-in for the moviegoing audience if I ever saw one!

Going into “Jackass 3D” I was a bit worried that I wouldn’t be able to follow what was happening because I hadn’t seen “Jackass” or “Jackass Number Two.” (It turned out to not be an issue — probably because I’m so smart.)

The story…HA! Just kidding. “Jackass 3D” — as I suspect the previous two movies were — is really just a presentation of the group’s elaborate, disgusting, distasteful and, yes, oftentimes hilarious stunts…but in 3D.

The only problem is that, besides the movie’s opening/closing credit bits, there really isn’t that much of a reason for “Jackass” to be in 3D. (Other than the corresponding upcharge that helped this movie become a box office smash, of course.) Then again, the point of “Jackass” is that there isn’t much of a reason for anything the crew does.

Whether you enjoy this movie or not depends on your tolerance for poop, dildos, vomit, urine and seeing grown men inflict pain on each other in extraordinary ways. Personally, I seriously admire the fact that these guys have the imagination to ask questions like, “What would happen if we ran through a maze covered with stun guns and cattle prods?” or “Could we really extract a tooth by tying it to a Lamborghini and driving off?” More importantly, they have the guts (and lack of regard for their bodies) to go out and try to answer them.

Of course, even at a lean 94 minutes some of the gags end up feeling repetitive. In fact, my favorite scene was probably the one with the midgets in the bar because of how surreal and absurd it was. I mean, there’s just no way watching a guy get whacked in the groin for the 27th time is going to be as funny as it was the first time.

But it was still pretty funny that first time.

Jackass 3D…B-

America's Next Top Model: Designers Challenge

Her? Really?

I mean, we all knew that Ann’s winning streak had to come to an end eventually, but did that really need to happen at the hands of a woman who — according to the well-regarded and esteemed “What John Thinks” blog — kinda sucks?

More importantly, now that Ann’s top photo domination has been halted…what exactly do we have to look forward to? I mean, she’s still going to win this thing, right? For me, the only suspense involved seeing if she could win top photo honors every single week along the way.

The episode began with Kendal bragging about how she didn’t hug the much-maligned Kacey after her elimination last week and only gave her a half-hearted handshake. (Karma…is that you?!)

The girls then took a trip to the Grammy museum where they got to see some memorabilia (the Michael Jackson section was particularly popular) and received the week’s challenge from Mr. Jay and Neil Portnow, the president of the Recording Academy. (AKA: the guy who symbolizes it’s time for you to take your bathroom break when he pops up on the Grammys telecast.)

Portnow announced that the challenge was for the girls to pair up and dress their partner in what they thought a “Grammy girl” should look like. (Grammy girls are the ones who hand the winners their awards.) The reward for the challenge was the chance to be a Grammy girl on the next broadcast…at least I assume the reward involved handing out some trophies that are actually televised. (You never know.)

Jane and Esther came up with utterly forgettable dresses for each other, Chris and Kendal appeared to be the only two people in the room who didn’t realize their dresses were more suitable for a (strip) club than the Grammys. (Don’t they know only the artists can wear stuff like that?) Meanwhile, Ann was paired up with Chelsey, and Chelsey had a cow when Ann accidentally(?) got her a size 12 dress. That’s the same as a size 2 dress, right? I mean, there’s a 2 in it! Sure it’s upsetting, and if it were anyone else but Ann we’d be crying “sabotage”, but Chelsea actually didn’t look bad in it — the worst thing about it was Chelsey’s defeated/stank face.

That left Kayla and Liz as the winners. It didn’t look good at the beginning when Liz asked for long, flowy black dress and Kayla basically said, “Pfft, I ain’t doing that.” Liz was initially upset about having to rock a pair of pants (when’s the last time a Grammy girl wore pants), but eventually owned the outfit. Still, Kayla was declared the winner.

Liz took it well — all she did was get drunk back at the house and stumble around in a montage that wasn’t nearly as amusing as the editors hoped it would be.

The week’s shoot featured guest photographer Francesco Carrozzini, who “What John Thinks” special correspondent Erica (aka my girlfriend) reports has “dreamy eyes.” (I want to disagree, but I don’t want to hate either.)

The idea was for the models to channel some of the world’s most famous fashion designers. It ended up being fun enough — usually getting these girls to dress up as dudes or adopt characters is good for a few kicks. The only problem is that, although I’ve heard of Vera Wang and Marc Jacobs, I have no idea what these people are actually like, so I couldn’t really tell if the models were doing a god job of channeling them.

Fortunately (or unfortunately) some of the models were just as clueless as I was. Liz and Kendal, specifically appeared to be lost, but ended up with very different results.

Although I said that she “kinda sucks” last week, Liz (pictured, left) deserved the top photo honors she got for channeling John Galliano. (My response: I didn’t know Johnny Depp designed clothes! And he's wearing Bret Michaels' weave!) Liz’s photo was my favorite, but I also really liked what Kayla brought to the table as Vivienne Westwood and I thought Chris’ personality was a PERFECT match for Betsey Johnson.

The judges all fawned over Ann’s pic (as usual), I thought she seemed stronger in the photo shoot. Also, the photo Tyra picked for Ann (as Alexander Wang) featured the same wide-eyed, spooked expression we’ve seen from her before — what else ya got?

Still, Ann had infinitely more success with her gender-bending efforts than Jane (as Marc Jacobs) and Esther (as Christophe Decarnin), who ended up in the bottom two.

Luckily for Esther, she was in no danger of going home because Kendal absolutely bombed the shoot as Vera Wang. If we’re going by Kendal’s interpretation of Vera Wang, apparently Wang’s trademark is that she, um, stands there…with a blank look on her face. Just terrible.

Goodbye Kendal. You assume that your exit handshakes and hugs were heartfelt — but you’ll never really know, will you?

So what’d you think of this episode? Who knew there was such a thing as a Grammy museum? (Is there an Oscar museum out there I don’t know about?) Who’s your favorite designer to dress up as? Finally, if you could hand out a Grammy, which category would you pick and who would you want to give it to?

It's Kind of a Funny Story Review

There are few things worse in this world than a whiny teenager.

(Please allow me a brief pause to sadly acknowledge the fact that I’m now old enough —and far enough removed from being an adolescent — to complain about whiny teenagers.)

That’s part of the reason I wasn’t really encouraged when the protagonist in “It’s Kind of a Funny Story” — based on the novel by Ned Vizzini — checks himself into a psychiatric ward, convinced that he wants to kill himself because…well, he’s not really sure.

I was afraid we’d be in for 100 minutes of painfully self-absorbed navel gazing because who wants to watch a kid act like his issues are the end of the world when we adults have REAL problems to deal with?

Fortunately, the writing-directing team of Ryan Fleck and Anna Boden (“Half Nelson”) mostly managed to sidestep that inherent problem by presenting the story in a way that allows the main character to struggle and deal with his issues, while also letting him recognize how relatively minor they are compared to others.

They also get a major assist from an impressive, eclectic cast led by Keir Gilchrist (“United States of Tara”) as Craig. Gilchrist, who looks like Justin Long’s younger, even skinnier brother, doesn’t initially make a strong impression. Since the first thing we learn about the character is that he wants to kill himself (despite appearing to have a relatively stable and normal life, including caring and aloof parents played by Lauren Graham and Jim Gaffigan), you’d be forgiven if you peg him as a whiner.

But as Craig realizes his problems aren’t nearly as bad as those of his new roommates, Gilchrist does a good, subtle job of making the character’s improvement feel organic and earned. Just because Craig isn’t schizophrenic or suicidal doesn’t mean that his problems don’t matter. (Yes…I just went triple negative on you!)

Gilchrist is pretty good, but the star of the show is recently-minted comic superstar Zach Galifianakis as suicidal Bobby, who takes Craig under his wing. It was clear to me before watching this movie that Galifianakis could act (go watch any “Between Two Ferns” episode online), but I was still pleasantly surprised by his phenomenal performance. The guy could’ve been forgiven for going over the top (he’s playing a mental patient, after all), but Galifianakis reins himself in impressively, resulting in a more affecting performance.

I suppose the other main cog in the movie is Emma Roberts as the conveniently fetching cutter Craig becomes interested in. Julia Roberts’ niece doesn’t do groundbreaking work (we’ve seen this dark character before), but she displays a strong enough screen presence that there’s a decent chance we’ll one day not refer to her as Julia Roberts’ niece.

The rest of the cast is rounded out with impressive work from good actors like Viola Davis, Jeremy Davies (both underused), and an eye-catching turn from Zoe Kravitz (yes, THAT Kravitz) as another object of Craig’s affection.

Setting a movie in a psych ward can limit you as a filmmaker (all those white walls!) so I was happy to see Fleck and Boden find creative ways to tell their stories, including using animation and musical sequences. (Not unlike how “500 Days of Summer”) found a way to play with storytelling tools.)

“It’s Kind of a Funny Story” may not feature the year’s showiest plot, but it finds a way to deal with its grounded protagonist in a showy way — I thoroughly enjoyed the “Under Pressure” sequence, even as I recognized how cheesy it was — and it’s also one of the best movies I’ve seen this year.

It’s Kind of a Funny Story…A-

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps Review

There’s not a fantastic track record for actors re-visiting their Oscar-winning roles — and I’m one of the people who enjoys “Hannibal”!

In “Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps”, Michael Douglas once again throws on a dizzying collection of fantastic suits and ties to play Gordon Gekko, the disgraced corporate raider who exits prison at the start of the film after a decade behind bars.

However, the problem with the new “Wall Street” isn’t Douglas, the same way the flaws “Hannibal” have little to do with Anthony Hopkins. (A great actor/role is hard to screw up, even in a below-average movie.)

The problem with “Money Never Sleeps” is that it’s about 20 to 30 minutes long because it tries to be too many movies at once. Besides obviously examining the state of our country on the brink of its economic collapse, it wants to be a father-daughter drama, a revenge flick, an environmental crusade, and a hard-hitting examination of acapella music. (Ok, I MAY have made the last one up.)

In the end, it winds up doing none of those things very well — or at least not effectively enough to be a satisfying movie.

Still, the movie’s far from a waste. Other than Douglas, the cast features four Oscar nominees…and Shia LaBeouf too!

Ok, that was kind of mean, and he doesn’t deserve that because LaBeouf is actually REALLY good here. He plays Jacob Moore, a young trader who loses his mentor early on and looks to exact revenge on Bretton James (Josh Brolin), the new corporate raider on the block. Jacob also happens to be dating Gekko’s daughter, Winnie (Carrie Mulligan), which is what presumably brings Gordon to the action this time around.

LaBeouf is actually the one who drives the action here the same way Charlie Sheen’s Bud Fox drove the action in the original. (Sheen allegedly makes a cameo as Bud Fox, but since he looked like he stumbled off the set of “Two and a Half Men”, and had two women at his arm, he really appeared as “Charlie Sheen.”) LaBeouf has always been good at playing intensely intelligent young motormouths, and that skill serves him well here with all the financial jargon he has to spit out. (To be honest, I couldn’t always follow what the heck was going on.)

No offense to his career as an unlikely action star, but THIS is the kind of movie Shia LaBeouf should be doing.

Douglas, in slightly more of a supporting role this time around, slips back into the Gordon Gekko persona easily. He also smartly uses his now-advanced age as an advantage. Just when you think prison and the ensuing years have softened Gekko, you find out he has a trick up his sleeve.

The rest of the cast don’t fare nearly as well as LaBeouf and Douglas. Brolin’s James is supposed to be the new Gekko, but since he’s supposed to be bad guy we root against (as opposed to Gekko’s charming rogue this time around) he’s deprived of any charisma. Mulligan does what she can (especially during the scene when Winnie and Gordon make somewhat of a breakthrough) with what is mostly a wet blanket role. Meanwhile, Frank Langella does much more with his handful of scenes than Susan Sarandon as Jacob’s mom. (Seriously, what was she doing in this thing?)

All that being said, my least favorite thing about “Money Never Sleeps” is that it is almost completely unrecognizable as an Oliver Stone movie. Where’s the energy, drive and visual flair from the movies he made in the 80’s and the 90’s. Whether you hated them or loved them, you used to always be able to tell when you were watching an Oliver Stone movie.

In the end, this yearning-to-be topical sequel ends up being a disappointment (though it’s far from an embarrassment). Oh well. At least now I have a new favorite subtitle to stick at the end of random movie titles. (“Paranormal Activity 2: Money Never Sleeps.”)

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps…C+

Dancing with the Stars: This S--- is Bananas!

Were there always this many theme weeks? I don’t think so.

It feels like the show is trying to do everything in its power to distract us from the fact that this is the weakest crop of dancers in recent “Dancing with the Stars” history.

Now, I realize “Dancing with the Stars” is only approximately 20% about, um, dancing, but this subpar group is making everything that’s not about insane costumes, critiques, props, and Brooke Burke comments unbearably boring.

And I haven’t even mentioned the fact that the actual competition last night didn’t get started until about 30 minutes!

Let’s break down the dancing (because we have to), as the couples tackled TV themes.

Brandy and Maks: It was all downhill from here — at least in terms of the judges’ leader board, since Brandy and Maks danced away with the week’s highest scores thanks to their quickstep to the “Friends” theme song. I think this was Brandy’s strongest dance to date both from a technical and a performance standpoint, so I’m glad that she was rewarded with 9s. I just don’t understand why their characters were apparently seven years old. (Seriously, what was up with the giant lollipop?)

Florence Henderson and Corky: Tell me that I passed out and DREAMED that the judges gave this train wreck three 7s! Bruno had it right when he compared Florence to a rag doll after the way Corky manhandled her across the dance floor. (So why in the hell did Bruno give her the exact same score as his peers?) I would give Florence credit for tackling a tougher routine if she’d been allowed to take her own steps rather than having Corky pull her along for the ride. Also, whose idea was it to do a tango to “The Brady Bunch” theme song?! Finally, the Barry Williams/Florence Henderson relationship(?)…still creepy! This was all so bad that my girlfriend Erica threatened to stop watching “Dancing with the Stars” when it was over. Seriously.

Kurt Warner and Anna: Their quickstep to the “Bewitched” theme song was fine and Kurt remains fun to watch (despite his sometimes-wonky posture), but my favorite thing about them this week was Anna having no idea what “Bewitched” or Walter Payton were, and expecting all of us to know that Strelka and Belka are two Russian dogs who went into space. With so many Pros from other parts of the world, why haven’t we seen this kind of culture clash before?!

Audrina Patridge and Tony: Let’s settle this once and for all: “Unwritten” is NOT a TV Theme song — it’s a hit pop song that played at the beginning of “The Hills.” (Conversely, “I’ll Be There For You” would be nothing without “Friends.”) Let’s talk about Audrina — she didn’t look COMPLETELY dead in the eyes, but she still didn’t bring nearly enough intensity to the rumba, which also didn’t flow enough. On top of that, now her breath reeks.

Kyle Massey and Lacey: As soon as Kyle and Lacey started busting out their disco moves, I knew Len was going to hate it. And, yes, Len has a point the foxtrot-to-disco ratio probably skewed too much toward the latter. Still, I would remind Len that they’re dancing to the “Charlie’s Angels” theme song! (That’d be the TV show, not the Cameron Diaz/Drew Barrymore version, Kyle.) That show was SO 70’s-riffic, I’m not sure what else they were supposed to do. Blame whoever’s coming up with these theme weeks, Len! I thought Kyle was strong this week (particularly in his partner work). My favorite part of the whole thing (other than the announcer’s voice coming out of the intercom) was Lacey’s “oh well” attitude. (She KNEW Len would hate it, but oh well.)

Rick Fox and Cheryl: Rick and Cheryl’s rumba to the “Hill Street Blues” theme song was actually my favorite dance of the night. That’s quite an accomplishment seeing as how the duo managed to be sexy without being overtly vulgar. It’s also an accomplishment because it was a dance set in a police station’s locker room. Before the dance, Rick introduced Cheryl to former teammate Kobe Bryant and former coach Phil Jackson. I hate the Lakers and, as a Knicks fan, I SHOULD hate Phil Jackson for the way his Bulls terrorized my team in the 90’s. But I don’t — he’s just a cool guy. In a related story, I have no problem hating Kobe. (Although, I’d like to know how he knows that basketball players have done badly on this show…has he been watching?!)

Bristol Palin and Mark (pictured, right): It’s the one people are talking about, and it was a TRULY unfortunate performance — but I’m not mad at Bristol for doing it. Her technique has been solid, but she’s bored me to tears these past few weeks. She definitely wasn’t boring last night. Unfortunately, she sacrificed pretty much all her technique, tripping over her gorilla costume and forgetting the routine. Still, I didn’t hate it — at least not the way Bristol hates the jive. Also, gorillas are NOT monkeys (or Monkees).

Jennifer Grey and Derek: After all the mediocrity that preceded them, I had high hopes for Jennifer and Derek, so they were destined to fall short. Technically, the dance (a foxtrot to the “Married with Children” theme song) was fine, but it was definitely missing a spark. I guess they left all their passion and emotion in the rehearsal room after their “argument.” Come on, producers! We all know Jennifer Grey is going to win this thing, no matter how much you try to make it look like she’s struggling.

So what’d you think of this episode? Would you watch a new “Charlie’s Angels” starring Lacey, Chelsie and Kym? (I’m thinking Lacey would have to go back to brunette.) Are you enjoying Eliza Dushku’s “I’ll cut a bitch” face whenever Carrie Ann fawns over Rick as much as I am? Finally, who do you think is going home? (I’m predicting a shocker — I think it’s going to be Kyle!)

Desperate Housewives: Thanking the Little People

It’s a good thing that shadowy figure showed up towards the end of last night’s episode.

Four episodes in and we haven’t seen nearly enough development on most of the storylines established in the season premiere: we still have no idea what Paul’s plan is (just that it involves snatching up Wisteria Lane properties), Susan is still stripping for her supper with no end in sight, and Bree is still pining away for her handy man Keith. (Though judging from the previews for next week, it looks like she actually gets him.)

The most infuriating of these storylines has to be Paul Young, which is REALLY not good seeing as how he was set up as this year’s Big Bad.

Last night, Beth found out that Paul had purchased his old house (in addition living in the house their currently renting from Susan). He also not-so-subtly suggested to Mrs. McCluskey that she may want to get rid of her home because you never know when you could have an accident. (Shades of Dave Williams temporarily fooling Mrs. McCluskey into thinking she was senile and getting her sent to the hospital.) Later, zzzzz…wake me up when something new or interesting happens.

That’s why I was glad to see that faceless figure pick up the remnants of Susan’s billboard at the end of the episode. (Why would Susan tear it down, but not throw it away or hide it?!) It could be Paul, who could use this information in his diabolical plans. It could be Keith, who HAS to be hiding some sort of secret, no? It could be Mike, who becomes enraged with and feels betrayed by Susan and demands a divorce. Or it could be a random guy who hates litter.

Speaking of Susan, she felt like she had to get out of the domestic porn game after her landlord informed her that the Web site’s owners were expanding their U.S. presence. Of course, that meant billboards of Susan would be popping up all over town. Susan came up with the cash to prevent it from happening, but that put her back in the poor house and in a position where she’s seemingly going to have to do something she doesn’t want to do. (I’m assuming it involves more graphic nudity, as opposed to actual prostitution.)

Also, what’s all the fuss over Brian Austin Green? Obviously, I’m not exactly supposed to be his intended audience, but I’m not even talking looks. Keith isn’t THAT young (certainly not as young as John the Gardener), and, from what we saw in last night’s episode, he’s kind of a dim bulb.

The reason I’m asking is because if Bree and Renee are going to fight so deliciously over a man, the guy should be worth it.

Renee fired the first shot last night when she flew Bree’s daughter (welcome back, Danielle) and grandson into town just for the sole purpose of having the little tyke say “grandma” about 75 times in Bree’s presence. The gag itself wasn’t as funny as imagining Bree at a Black Eyed Peas concert.

After Bree found out what Renee’s weak spot was — little people(!) — she arranged to have a friend from church(?!) stop by and freak Renee out during her dinner date with Keith. My favorite thing about Renee’s freakout was that it was the first time I’ve watched Vanessa Williams on this show and NOT thought of her as Wilhelmina Slater. (Although a little Wilhelmina is just fine here and there — like when she thought Gabby was “Juanita.”)

By the end of the episode, the two had called a truce and Renee let Bree have Keith. I’m glad — this silly feud lasted exactly long enough without feeling tired.

Speaking of feeling tired (segue way!), I can totally understand why Penny was getting up in the middle of the night to feed her baby sister — Lynette WAS a much more pleasant and bearable character when she had help with the baby. Of course, she ended up inadvertently taking advantage of this, which landed her in the (world’s most judgmental) principal’s office.

Lynette asked Tom to hire a babysitter. I seem to remember them having a babysitter in season 1, and that not working out so well after Tom saw her naked by accident and got turned on. Then again, Lynette looks like she has more to deal with these days, so I’m sure she’ll welcome the extra help.

Finally, there was Gabby. She and Carlos tracked down the parents who have been raising her biological daughter and the two met up.

Big thumps up to the casting department for finding a little girl to play Grace, who looks and acts like Gabby’s mini-me. (And, to a lesser extent, for giving us portlier biological parents for Juanita.)

Gabby became instantly and strongly attached to Grace, and over-stepped her boundaries by wanting to give the girl a $1,400 hand bag. The mother balked, but Gabby found a way to give Grace — who reminds Gabby of herself when she was young and had nothing — an expensive trinket.

Eva Longoria Parker continues to be severely underrated for her ability to play a deeply shallow character, yet make us root for her. Grace is a sweetheart, and there’s already tension with her parents…I don’t see how this can possibly end well.

So what’d you think of this episode? What’s the ultimate endgame for Gabby and Carlos’ storyline? Is James Denton awake when he films his scenes? Finally, who do you think the faceless shadowy guy is?

NFL 2010 Week 6 Picks

I’ve got a pretty busy Sunday, so let me sneak these picks in before my day gets started.

I had a decent week last time (8-6 week, 33-27 season), but I hope I do even better with these picks.

SEATTLE @ CHICAGO
The Bears get Jay Cutler back (an upgrade after an all-time atrocious performance by Todd Collins, but I’d pick them anyway because Seattle is horrible on the road.

MIAMI @ GREEN BAY
Green Bay’s dealing with a LOT of injuries, but it looks like they’ll have Aaron Rodgers back. I just think they have too much firepower for Miami.

SAN DIEGO @ ST. LOUIS
Norv Turner in danger of losing his job – a September/October tradition unlike any other. Look for the Chargers to start turning it around.

BALTIMORE @ NEW ENGLAND
I picked the Ravens last week versus the Broncos because Denver only does one thing well on offense – pass the ball. Pretty much the same story with New England, don’t you think?

NEW ORLEANS @ TAMPA BAY
I want to go with my hometown boyz, but Drew Brees and the Saints HAVE to explode at some point, no? (At least for the sake of my fantasy team.)

DETROIT @ N.Y. GIANTS
It was pretty gracious of Tom Coughlin to vacate the hot seat so that guys like Norv Turner, Wade Phillips and Mike Singletary could get off their feet for a while, wasn’t it?

ATLANTA @ PHILADELPHIA
A lot of people consider Atlanta to be the best team in the conference and they’re currently atop the NFC South – which is why it’s about time they drop a game and come back to the pack. (No one this year is allowed to have more than a one-game divisional lead.)

CLEVELAND @ PITTSBURGH
And here I thought the Browns actually LIKED rookie QB Colt McCoy (pictured, right). I guess not! If they did, why would they give him his first start on the road against a fierce Steelers defense that’s coming off a bye. Colt must’ve pissed somebody off.

KANSAS CITY @ HOUSTON
Kansas City looked impressive in a road loss to the Colts last week, and I definitely expect them to look impressive again when they lose to the Texans on the road this week.

OAKLAND @ SAN FRANCISCO
Ok, the Niners HAVE to win at some point, don’t they? If they don’t Mike Singletary could get fired, and I don’t want to live in a world in which Mike Singletary isn’t ranting, yelling at his QB in the sideline and, I guess, coaching.

N.Y. JETS @ DENVER
The Jets defense is probably just as good (if not better) than the Ravens defense that shut the Broncos down last week, so what do you think is going to happen?

DALLAS @ MINNESOTA
Whichever team loses goes to 1-4 (but is not necessarily eliminated from playoff contention), while the team who wins goes to 2-3 (and their coach ends up on the lukewarm seat). It’s fun to see “America’s team” AND/OR Brett Favre struggle. One of my favorite movie taglines is “Alien vs. Predator”: “Whoever wins, we lose.” Well, in this case, “Whoever loses, we win!”

INDIANAPOLIS @ WASHINGTON
When the last time you watched a regular season, prime-time game in which Peyton Manning and the Colts didn’t kick ass? (Well, it was that one game against the Chargers in which they allowed a couple of kick return touchdowns, and Manning had about 9 turnovers…but that was YEARS ago.)

TENNESSEE @ JACKSONVILLE
Least interesting Monday Night Football game of the year, or least interesting Monday Night Football game EVER? (Seriously, Jacksonville?! What were they thinking?)

Jersey Shore: Broken Wingman

Where most scripted shows build to a grand crescendo as they get closer to their season finales, “Jersey Shore” seems to be fizzing out for the second year in a row.

And that’s after an episode in which The Situation got the group kicked out of “Space” (Miami’s “hottest club”?) after picking a fight with a guy half his size, cock blocked Pauly D (twice!), and in which J-Woww wore her most outrageous outfit yet. I mean, were the pasties part of the top, or did she put those on separately? Also, why bother?!

The action picked up where we left off last week with The Situation acting like a creep. To his credit, he came over to Snooki’s bed and apologized for his abhorrent behavior…by lying on top of her, repeatedly kissing her and forcing her to accept his apology. Never mind.

The next portion of this scattershot episode focused on how much Snooki was missing her friend Ryder, went home. I thought J-Woww was going to act all wounded that Snooki was treating her like chopped liver, but she was too busy making her “Space” outfit as revealing as humanly possible without having any private parts blurred out. (Even professional female wrestlers thought the outfit was over-the-top.)

The trip to “Space” was supposed to cheer Snooki up, but instead she was getting baited by a drunk chick, and The Situation jumped in to defend her honor. And by, “defend her honor”, I mean that he saw a chance to yell at a short guy and act tough. The group was subsequently removed from “Space.” (We hardly knew ye.) I mean, it was only 3:15 a.m. – they JUST got there!

On their way out, Pauly managed to wrangle a couple of girls and bring them back to the house. Unfortunately, The Situation was informed by Pauly’s girl that Mike’s girl wouldn’t be hooking up with him. “Don’t let the outfit fool you…” should become a catchphrase. (And so should, “I never said anything about checkers, old man.”)

You see, unless you’re there to have sex with him in a timely manner, The Situation has no use for you as a human being. I get how he’d be under the impression that a girl who goes home with a guy she just met a club would be DTF. However, he should probably realize that a lot of these women who come back to the house with them (and who sign the releases so that their faces aren’t blurred out) MAY be less interested in them as human beings and more interested in appearing on TV.

While this was happening, Vinny continued to “wife up” Romanian Ramona, and I continued to wish that Pauly would stop messing around with random girls and chicks from “Canadia” and just “wife up” Rocio. (Come on! She’s a “Little Mermaid” fan.)

Other than a redux of the “Pauly bringing two girls home, and The Situation blowing it” scenario (in Mike’s slight defense, that one girl’s breasts were SCREAMING “DTF!”), not much else happened in the episode.

The hookup chart segment was a disappointment other than the revelation that Snooki (said, “You usually don’t have sex with your big brother after Mike kissed her”) has made out with pretty much everyone in the house.

Pauly briefly made my brain explode when he said, “At one point, we all didn’t know any of us.” (Whoa!) Also, there a scene where The Situation’s cooking set off a smoke alarms and the firefighters showed up…and then left. (Riveting stuff!) After that, The Situation managed to get his car towed, so he and Vinny had to walk around for a while and look for it. (Are you still awake?) And I think that’s about it for this episode.

(Seriously…do I have to?!)

Fine, I wouldn’t be a responsible recapper if I didn’t bring up the umpteenth example of Sammi being absolutely insufferable.

Sammi wandered aloud if she was exotic looking, and Ronnie responded “You look Asian. I like it.” (HOW DARE HE?!?!) You see, it turns out that Ronnie’s ex-girlfriend is Asian, and what he’s really saying is that he’s still in love with her and wants to dump Sammi immediately! (At least this is how Sammi took it.)

Of course, assuming Ronnie was thinking about his ex when he said that is giving him WAY too much credit. (He was thinking?) My favorite part was Snooki trying to comfort Sammi afterwards, even as she acknowledged that Sammi was acting like an idiot.

So what’d you think of this episode? Do you miss Ryder? Is there any way Sammi could be more annoying? Finally, what are your hopes and dreams for the season finale?

Project Runway: New York State of Mind

Here I was, all set for the elimination of Michael C.

I mean, there was no way the judges were going to send a cheater and saboteur who can’t sew, construct or walk and chew gum at the same time to Fashion Week, right?!

Instead, not only did Michael C. (pictured, right) advance to the finals, but the judges absolutely ADORED his black, drape-y Statue of Liberty gown.

The “I’m about to shit a brick” looks on Gretchen and April’s faces during Michael C’s glowing evaluation were my second-favorite moments of the season, just behind Ivy’s elimination. Speaking of Ivy, I think I heard her howl in pain last night as she watched the end of this episode at home. (The sounds came from below because she lives in hell.)

This week’s challenge (presented by Tim and New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg, doing a fine job acting like he gives a crap about this show) was to create a garment inspired by anything in NYC.

Mondo and April both gravitated toward the Brooklyn Bridge, Andy headed to Central Park, Gretchen felt uninspired by the Lower East Side (perhaps she should have moved on to a different location), and Michael C. picked the Statue of Liberty.

My feeling at the start that Michael C. was going home persisted throughout pretty much the entire episode. His design for his gown seemed to be, at best, way too simple and, at worst, way too literal. The fact that we later found out that he didn’t exactly know what material he was working with kind of showed why everyone thinks he’s a clown. (Though it certainly doesn’t excuse their cruel behavior.)

Michael C. wasn’t the only one struggling. Besides Gretchen’s lack of inspiration, color-happy Mondo was going to use a green sequin, but had to ditch it, partly because he took too long of a nap on the first day. (He’s right: his rivals probably wanted him to sleep a whole week.) Andy designed something that Gretchen likened to a Chinese prostitute. (She was on to something.)

Then there was April.

If you’ve read this recap before, you know I’ve been calling her out on her infatuation with black, “edgy” garments for a while now. Last night, for the first time, we saw people on the show take her to task for the sameness in her design aesthetic.

First, Tim tried to implore her to think about switching up her color (which led to her hilariously pushing back the black fabric she’d picked out). The only problem is that she ended up with black anyway. Oh but wait! The black was accompanied by…dark blue! (And was anyone else slightly freaked out that her model was done up to look exactly like her?)

Despite agreeing with every single word the judges said about her “pregnant witch” garment, (Michael Kors looked like he was going to fall asleep just talking about the black, and the asymmetry, and the zzzzz….) I don’t put all the blame at her feet. As you may have heard, April is 21 and doesn’t have as much experience as her competitors. Most importantly, the judges didn’t do her any favors by failing to call her out for something she’s done all season until last night. In the end, Michael Kors summed it up perfectly when he said, “There’s no joy in your clothes.” (And there’s no joy in April, which is why it’s hard to get broken up about her getting the boot.)

In fact, I would’ve been perfectly ok with the judges kicking out TWO people last night and showing Gretchen the door as well. Other than the skirt (which I actually kinda liked), her “midtown” Lower East Side outfit was a clunker. Then again, if we could only lose one of the Terrible Two from last night, I’m glad we ditched April because, at least, Gretchen’s astonishing ego is hilarious.

Where do I start? I love the way she pumped herself up. (Come on, Jones!) Or how about the part where she said that Michael C. reminded her of herself…five years ago. (Even when insulting people, she makes it about her.) Or how about he most egregious example, in which she complained about being “tired” and “sick of the challenges”. (Have you SEEN this show? Take a nap like Mondo if you’re sleepy). She also expressed frustration about having to “edit” herself on the one of few challenges this season that gave them an incredible amount of creative freedom. Say what you will, but her brand of crazy is compelling.

Gretchen joins Andy (who made a chic sexy/slutty outfit whose main problem was that it had NOTHING to do with Central Park) and What John Thinks favorites Michael C. and Mondo in the finale.

While I thought Michael C’s dress was lovely (and fantastic in motion), I was surprised by how much the judges were in love with it. (I thought they’d call him out for not being ambitious enough.) Then again, Michael C. seemed more concerned in creating something that he thought was beautiful and that would make his model look beautiful, and less worried about stubbornly sticking to his “point of view” and trying to tell the judges what they should think is good design.

Then there’s Mondo. Not only did he prove he could deliver without a colorful print, but he also won some major cool points by being the one designer who said Michael C. deserved to go to the finals. When asked, most designers blathered on about potential and aesthetics (and a lot of people picked April), but Mondo took Michael C’s resilience and willingness to grown, learn and improve (imagine that!) into account.

At the risk of drowning you in Mondo propaganda, the guy has proven to be the best designer and the best person on the show this season based on what we’ve seen.

So what’d you think of this episode? Where does cheap date Michael C’s impression of Michael K. rank in the “Project Runway” canon? (I have it just one notch underneath Santino’s classic Tim Gunn impersonation – it was pretty damn good!) What’d you think of Christian Siriano as a guest judge? (He seemed a little off on his critiques, but that served as a great reminder that guest judges have never seen these people’s work before.) Finally, there’s no way Mondo doesn’t win, right?

America's Next Top Recap: Street Walkers

“Ann, you’re making this so not-interesting.”

Pop quiz: What was Tyra talking about when she uttered these words last night.

A.) Ann winning top photo honors for the FIFTH week in a row.
B.) The latest, ho-hum episode of “America’s Next Top Model.”
C.) The entirety of Cycle 15.

Obviously, the answer is D.) All of the above!

I’m going to try my best to keep this recap short because not a heck of a lot happened in this episode and because we all know who’s going to win.

Still, the show is trying its best to re-emphasize that being a “Top Model” is more than taking fantastic pictures. A “Top Model” must have a strong runway walk, act as a semi-articulate spokeswoman, and be able to sell makeup to a focus group at Walmart. (Nothing against Walmart, I get groceries there — I just didn’t expect it to make an appearance during this high-fashion season.)

This week’s challenge had the contestants traveling to their nearest Walmart and teaming up in groups of three to see which threesome could best charm a group of randomly-selected people into buying makeup. At stake was a shopping spree in (the Cover Girl aisle of) Walmart.

Ugh! Bring back the rollercoasters and conveyor belt runways!

Here’s what you need to know about the challenge: Chris talked too much (and talked over teammate Chelsey), Ann didn’t talk enough, and Kacey won for being the most personable, even though Liz would tell you she was being “fake.” Since this wasn’t a competition to see who could be the most “real”, Kacey got to go on the shopping spree with teammates Esther and Kayla. (In a related story, Liz, who I was rooting for early this season, kinda sucks — she’s stopped complaining at photo shoots, but she still doesn’t bring much to the modeling table.)

Not too much happened in the model house now that Lexie isn’t there to start fights with Kacey, so let’s move on to this week’s jam-packed photo shoot, which had the girls being photographed walking down Rodeo Drive two-at-a-time and flanking a male model, AND an action/walking shot. (There was also an additional beauty shot we didn’t learn about until the episode’s last 10 minutes.)

The guest photographer was Patrick Demarchilier (pictured, left), who I’m told is a legend in the industry, but mostly struck me as the most French person I’ve ever seen or heard. (The only thing missing was a cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth.) For extra fun, Tyra popped up at the shoot to show the girls how it’s done and so that passing fans could yell out her name.

You’re not going to believe this, but one of my favorite photos belonged to Ann. I’m more inclined to give her action picture the nod over the sidewalk shot because the sidewalk shot (like last week) appears to have happened completely by accident. My other two favorites were Jane (who looked fierce and VERY high fashion), and Esther (who continues to impress, despite the fact that we haven’t heard her speak in a month).

I also liked Chris’ solo work with the male model (adorable), even if it WAS totally “Teen Vogue.” (I was also shocked that they didn’t give Kacey alone time with her male model crush Shaw, especially in light of what was about to happen.) One thing I really didn’t like was Chelsey lamenting about how she’d be paired with Ann. Ann’s the cream of the crop right now, and wanting to avoid a direct showdown with Ann is simply loser talk. A great man once said, “To be the man, you gotta beat the man.”

My least favorite photos were from Kendal (I liked that she looked like a 70’s blackspoitation character, but didn’t get all the fawning praise), Kayla (unable to hide her suffering in those small shoes — at least she didn’t vocally whine about it like Liz) and Kacey. Yikes…KKK!

Since I think Kayla has shown top 3 potential in the past it was pretty clear who was going home. The fact that Kacey had the absolute WORST photos of the week (she couldn’t even be bothered to turn her head during the motion shot) may have also had something to do with it.

Goodbye, Kacey. I never thought you were as horrible as the other girls seemed to think you were, so enjoy your jewelry and Cover Girl makeup.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is “she looks like Kate...Moss’s…best friend” the most confoundingly awesome critique ever given on this show? Was I the only clueless guy who didn’t realize there was such a thing as “Teen Vogue”? Finally, with Kacey gone, who will be the girl the rest of the models turn on now? (Ann?)

Let Me In Review

Ordinarily, when you ask a child actor to carry your movie or TV show for an extended period of time, you’re asking for trouble.

Young performers tend to fare better when they can pop in for moments at a time and steal scenes, like Chloe Grace Moretz did earlier this year in “Kick-Ass.” (More on her a bit later.)

So “Let Me In” – which features (technically) TWO preteen characters at the heart of its story – definitely had its work cut out for it. As if that weren’t daunting enough, the movie was already playing with fire because it’s the American remake of a highly-regarded Swedish vampire tale.

(In case you’re just tuning in, here’s a quick recap of my position on remakes: whenever a new one is announced, I roll my eyes at the shocking amount of laziness in Hollywood…but I don’t get my pitchforks out either. I mean, the original flick is always going to be there, and a remake - even if it’s inferior - might encourage people to seek out the older flick or enhance its reputation. This attitude applies to pretty much every movie except “Singin’ in the Rain” – if someone tries to remake that, I might have to cut someone.)

Either way, I’m thrilled to report that writer-director Matt Reeves’ American adaptation is a creative success (if not a financial one) and one of the best movies of the year.

The story – in both movies and in the novel by John Lindqvist – is about a lonely, bullied young boy who develops a relationship with a vampire that moves into the boy’s apartment complex her guardian. Here the boy is named Owen, and the girl is named Abby.

I haven’t read the book, but I own the Swedish version of the movie, which I like quite a bit, but I don’t hold it in as high esteem as others do. If you’ve seen “Let the Right One In”, there won’t be many surprises in the American “Let Me In” because (except for a new, effective opening sequence that shifts the story’s timeline) everything plays out pretty much the same way. (I’m not kidding – even the film’s violent climax is almost a shot-for-shot remake.)

Reeves, however, avoids making a carbon copy by switching the setting (we’re now in 1980’s New Mexico, which looks as cold and off-putting as Sweden did), inserting his own visual flourishes (the vampire’s movements are more vicious and special effect-y, and there’s a point of view sequence with the guardian crashing a car that is hypnotically gorgeous), and delving a bit more into the characters. (Sometimes the original fell a little too in love with its own cinematography and mood for my taste.)

I mean, even the horrible bully (played by Dylan Minnette of “Lost”) ends up being somewhat humanized. The best example is probably how Reeves explores nature of the relationship between Abby and her guardian (Oscar nominee Richard Jenkins), which is now less ambiguous. Some people would argue that “Let Me In” is dumbing that relationship down for American audiences (and they wouldn’t be totally wrong), but I appreciated actually seeing the connection between those two characters. (Jenkins is very impressive, despite having only a handful of lines of dialogue.)

Still, the stars of the show are Moretz and Kodi Smit-McPhee as Owen.

Smit-McPhee is a sad, frail and heartbreaking presence as Owen. (I swear I mean this as a compliment!) Reeves helps establish his isolation by never giving us a clear look at Owen’s mom. That isolation makes his eventual connection with Abby all the more urgent and touching.

Moretz delivers her second excellent performance of the year. Moretz has become the go-to kid actress for playing wise-beyond-her-years girls, which is perfect since Abby is much older than she seems. Unlike her more ostentatious work in “Kick-Ass”, Moretz’s performance here is a study in subtlety. She’s playing someone who’s been around a long time, but is a 12-year old at heart. She’s playing a vicious killer who just so happens to look like a little girl.

Smit-McPhee and Moretz work their scenes together like pros (just like Kare Hedebrant and Lina Leandersson did in “Let the Right One In”), and Matt Reeves has overcome some serious odds to make one of the best movies of the year.

Let Me In…A

Glee: Power Couples

The reason this was my favorite episode of “Glee” in a long time is because it reminded me of what helped make this show a phenomenon in the first place.

(And yeah — I just said that about an episode that featured zero Sue Sylvester!)

The musical performances were plentiful and exciting, the one-liners were flying (of course Brittany thought Artie was a robot), and, most importantly, the focus was on THE KIDS. (Feel free to stay on the fringes, Mr. Schue.)

I had to capitalize “THE KIDS” because it seems like sometimes the show’s writers forget that “Glee” should be about, oh I don’t know, the members of the glee club. Too frequently the show becomes about the often-pathetic misadventures of Mr. Schue or the amusing, but mind-numbingly repetitive tyranny of Sue.

Unfortunately, once the show became a bona fide cultural phenomenon, Fox let Ryan Murphy do whatever he wanted. (“A Britney Spears episode?! Sure we’ll pay for the rights to her music! What’s the storyline, Ryan? You don’t have one? We’re sure you’ll come up with something.”)

Note to Fox: it is NOT a good idea to give the creator of “Nip/Tuck” the freedom to do whatever he wants!

Anyway, this week’s episode had the kids competing in a duets competition with an all-expense-paid trip to Olive Garden, I mean, Breadstix on the line. I actually really liked that the stakes were comically low after last week’s Very Special “religion” episode.

“Duets” also officially welcomed Sam (Chord Overstreet) into the glee club, and so far I’m really enjoying the addition. His laid-back demeanor is, so far, an excellent counter point to all the glee club’s outside personalities. I also like that he’s kind of clueless (speaking Na’vi on any date is a major party foul), without being quite as dumb as the show sometimes makes Finn.

Then again maybe Finn is getting smarter, since he saw right through Rachel’s plan. Rachel wanted her and Finn to lose the duets competition on purpose so Sam would feel good about joining the glee club. Finn saw right through Rachel’s seemingly selfless gesture because it would ultimately help her look good (at nationals). Still, baby steps for selfish Rachel and suddenly smart(er) Finn.

Brittany was also hitting on all cylinders, first making out with Santana, then hooking up with Artie after being spurned by her fellow bisexual cheerleader. In fact, last night may have been the first time we saw Brittany’s serious side after she displayed guilt for taking Artie’s virginity. Any Brittany we get is always good, but do we really want the character to get (gulp!) deep?

I was most happy to see the show address Kurt’s stalker-ish behavior from last season. I had a big problem with the way Kurt manipulated his father and Finn’s family just because he had a crush on Finn, then Finn was made to look like a bad guy when he lashed out (it’s not Finn’s fault that he’s not gay!) while Kurt came off as a total victim. The show did MUCH better job of exploring Kurt’s loneliness last night and making the point that Kurt can’t force someone to fall in love with him because he’s lonely. The right person will come along when the time is right, and until then he can lean on his friends.

Ok, before this thing gets cornier than it already is, let’s break down and grade the musical performances:

“Don’t Go Breaking My Heart”…B-: This cheesy duet is one of my guilty pleasures, and Finn and Rachel sounded pleasant enough together. However, this performance brought up the episode’s biggest flaw in my mind. I get that Rachel is the star of the club, but I’m not exactly sure why they were COMPLETELY sure that they would win on the strength of this. I mean, it was fine, but not a slam dunk so that they’d have to throw the competition to let someone else win. Especially not after…

“River Deep, Mountain High”…A: The best performance of the competition, the best performance of the night, and probably my favorite performance of the season. I loved the fierceness of the vocals, the force of the choreography and the attitude Mercedes and Santana (pictured, left) brought. If we were actually going on merit, they should’ve won. (I also enjoyed the increased screen time for Santana, who REALLY wanted to go to Breadstix.)

“Le Jazz Hot”…B+: Once again, Chris Colfer is the recipient of the week’s most lavish number, and once again he delivers. Besides it not being a duet, the performance ended up being a bit much, especially since everyone else ended up performing in the music room.

“Sing”…B: I thought it was a funny and clever way for Mike Chang (aka Other Asian) to make his singing debut, but I enjoyed his earlier interactions with Tina (who was completely fed up with Dim Sum and pork knuckles) much more amusing.

“With You I’m Born Again”…B: I know it was supposed to be bad on purpose, but for my money, Rachel and Finn sounded better here than they did on “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart.” Go figure.

“Lucky”…B+: Dianna Agron’s Quinn sounded better than I’ve ever heard her sound, and the performance WAS adorable. However, the Jason Mraz/Colby Caillat duet isn’t exactly the highest vocal bar a singer can clear, so a B+ is pretty much as high a grade as they can get.

“Happy Days are Here Again”/ “Get Happy”…B+ : The preceding scene with Rachel comforting Kurt was more effective, in my opinion. I think Chris Colfer and Lea Michele are the strongest singers on the show (and they sounded great here), but I find that by the time the episode-closing song comes around, I’m “Glee’d” out and tend to tune out. I realize that’s more of a “me” problem, than a “Glee” problem, but still…

So what’d you think of this episode? Will Puck — who apparently drove through a convenience store and stole an ATM— be back for the “Rocky Horror” episode? What duet did you want to hear from (tragically temporary couple) Artie and Brittany? Finally, did you miss Sue at all in this episode? (As I’ve said before, the character doesn’t really make sense, and the only reason she works is because of Jane Lynch, so I’m ok with Sue sitting a week out.)

Dancing with the Stars: Circling the Drain

Acoustic Week! A smaller, circular stage with a runway! Double Score Showdown!

Last night’s “Dancing with the Stars” threw everything but the (bedazzled) kitchen sink at us.

In fact, the only thing missing from the latest episode was, with one very notable exception, GREAT dancing.

Let’s see how the couples did as they took on the rumba (which, I think is the toughest for celebrities to get) and the Argentine tango. (AKA, the cool tango where you can do lifts.)

Kurt Warner and Anna: I thought Kurt was WAY underscored right after the judges gave him his poor performance and technical scores. (I somehow managed to see the scores, despite The Situation flexing his pecs in the background.) After seeing everyone else’s underwhelming, mostly-snoozy routines, I REALLY thought he was way underscored. Yes, the hands were pretty bad (and the super slo-mo didn’t do them any favors), and Warner, like most male celebrities, looked ridiculous when he tried to move his hips at the start of the rumba, but I thought he eventually got into it and delivered a lovely performance. Somehow Kurt got over his discomfort about putting his hands on another woman…by bringing in his wife to watch them. Whatever works.

Brandy and Maks: What’s the opposite for having chemistry with someone? Whatever it is, that’s what Brandy and Maks have. I guess you could say they clash, but that seems too strong for me. (And clashing with someone can result in its own chemistry.) When these two are together, there’s just nothing there. I wonder if they realize how uncomfortable it is to watch them, especially on their faux-date in which Maks took her to a “BAR” and brusquely presented her with flowers before Brandy revealed a shockingly long dry spell. (Six years?!)

Oh yeah, the dancing. The rumba was definitely an improvement from last week, but she’s still not generating or conveying enough power in her movements. She looks too dainty and fragile out there.

Rick Fox and Cheryl: I was expecting something really good because Rick was a (goofy) animal during rehearsal, and Cheryl revealed that the Argentine tango was her favorite dance. However, the performance was shockingly boring. It looked like Rick was concentrating too hard on his dancing and forgot to make his dance interesting. In fact, the most interesting part about it was his mustache.

Kyle Massey and Lacey: Len’s been banging on his footwork for most of the season, and he finally improved in that area. The only problem is that it came at the expense of his upper body (especially his arms), which whipped around way too hard and fast during the rumba. (At the beginning, it looked like he was going to choke/strangle her from behind.) Still, he remains surprisingly graceful for a bigger guy, and he, once again, nailed the performance aspect of the dance.

The Situation and Karina (pictured, right): There’s no two ways about it: this tango was TERRIBLE. (I lost counts of how many “reallys” Bruno used to describe how bad it was.) The footwork was atrocious, and The Situation got visibly frustrated when he made a misstep. On the bright side, (believe it or not, there was a bright side), The Situation actually looked like a believable ballroom dancer (before he started dancing), and the will he/won’t he drop her aspect of the dance made it more exciting than more than half the performances. (Tell me you weren’t holding when your breath when he took an extra beat to lift Karina for that first lift.)

Florence Henderson and Corky: Whether it was appropriate or not, this was by far the best performance package of the night. (Even if it ended with a nude Corky shot that no one needed to see.) The rumba itself was entertaining and a step in the right direction for Florence. I just wish that Corky’s routines for his senior citizen partners didn’t veer into jokey territory quite as often. (Yes, he has to distract from the fact that they can’t move that much, but find another way!)

Jennifer Grey and Derek: This tango (the first dance to earn 10s this year) was so far and away the best dance of the evening (and the season) that I don’t really need to add anything more. Brilliant routine that was also sexy (without hitting us over the head with it), fantastically executed by Jennifer Grey, who more than kept up with Derek.

Bristol Palin and Mark: What is it with the Ballas men and their inability to keep their clothes on last night? I know shirtlessness is common (and encouraged on this show), but the routine literally included a beat where all Bristol did was lift his shirt up over his head. Mark, like his dad again, seems more intent on distracting the judges from his partner’s shortcomings than he is in challenging her and making her better. The judges really emphasized what I’ve been saying all along — the ability is there, but she needs to cut loose and just BRING IT. I saw more intensity from her son Tripp during the rehearsal package.

Audrina Patridge and Tony: A disappointingly forgettable episode-closing performance. The tango-fied Jefferson Airplane cover of “Somebody to Love” didn’t do them any favors. (Tony somehow found a way to point this out and NOT come off like a whiny douche.) Audrina, once again, looks the part on the dance floor from the neck down, but is still almost completely dead in the eyes. Maybe she should practice squinting more and not worry about the potential wrinkles.

So what’d you think of this episode? Anyone else distracted by the football skycams zooming around the ballroom during the performances? Is it really true that Brandy hasn’t “been with anybody in six years”? (And what EXACTLY do we mean by “been with anybody”?) Finally, who do you think is going home? (I'm thinking there are probably less“Jersey Shore” fans out there who watch "Dancing with the Stars", than there are Bristol Palin fans.)

Desperate Housewives: Reefer Madness

Three episodes seems like a decent amount of time — are you enjoying Vanessa Williams on “Desperate Housewives”?

I guess it comes down to whether or not you’re ok with the fact that Vanessa Williams is basically playing Wilhelmina Slater…but on a different ABC show.

Obviously, this isn’t the first (and it won’t be the last) example of an actor (especially a TV performer) carrying a successful persona over to a new project. Will Arnett is basically playing Gob Bluth on Fox’s “Running Wilde”, for example. As for Williams, I actually think she got a LOT less credit during her time on “Ugly Betty” for doing a lot of the same things Jane Lynch is currently doing on “Glee” with the comedic villain role.

So I guess you can say I’m pretty ok with the fact that Williams is basically playing Wilhelmina Slater on “Desperate Housewives” — for now. The character is still getting settled, and an instantly-recognizable persona can be a great benefit. Eventually, I’d like to see Williams get the chance to do something more unique than coast on the biting comedic timing she perfected at her previous job.

That timing served her well in Renee’s scenes with Bree last night. (Marcia Cross is a formidable actress in her own right.) About-to-be-divorced Renee wanted to team up with newly-divorced Bree and hit the club. Bree was initially hesitant because she still liked her handyman Keith, but when she learned he had a girlfriend she changed her mind. The scenes between Renee and Bree were the funniest parts of the episode. Everything from Renee’s crack about Bree being dressed for a tour of the Ronald Regan library instead of a club to a casual “Jersey Shore” reference (neither wanted to be the grenade) was gold.

I was also ok with the fact that Renee mercilessly pounced on Keith, even after finding out that Bree liked him. (These two don’t know each other that well. They’re not friends. Renee isn’t obligated to back down.) Soon after, we got a reminder as to why this show isn’t called “Reasonable Housewives.” Bree struck back by flipping her plunging neckline dress and accentuating her (fake?) boobs. Renee seemed to get the upper hand by getting Keith to take her home, but Bree countered by going (golf)clubbing all over her sprinklers and drawing him out.

Bree eventually asked Keith on a date, but Renee stated that her new hobby was going to be to take Bree down, so stay tuned. Most importantly, Renee is already integrating herself into other aspects of the show. (She didn’t share a solo scene with her college bud Lynette.)

Speaking of Lynette, last week her storyline with Tom was WAY too reminiscent of the stuff that was feeling tired when I stopped watching the show a year ago.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: Tom has some sort of problem, Lynette tells him to get help, Tom comes up with some off-the-wall solution, Lynette disapproves/tricks Tom, Tom looks stupid, and in the end Lynette wins.

Sure, there were a few tweaks last night. (It was kind of Lynette’s fault that he ended up being prescribed medical marijuana for his depression.) Still, the main point is that Lynette is a kind of a pain in the ass, and Tom is an idiot. I mean, seriously, writers — the guy who owned a pizza parlor for a few years can’t recognize oregano?

The most important difference, however, is that (along with whatever Renee and Tom’s secret past is) the show seems to be hinting that perhaps Tom and Lynette won’t be ok this time.

By that same token, Carlos flat-out told Gabby that the two of them would be through after Gabby initiated a search for her switched-at-birth daughter behind his back. (And after legally agreeing not to do so.)

Gabby had suffered a freak out at a clothing store after running into a girl who could’ve been her daughter and asked her neighbor Bob to find her, which he did by the end of the episode. (Anyone else think this story line is moving in record time?) Carlos, upset about the possibility of losing Juanita, was pissed with Gabby. I’m legitimately interested to see what happens. Eva Longoria Parker’s acting has definitely gone a long way toward grounding (hello eye rolls!) a switched-at-birth storyline.

On a much lighter note, Susan found herself really getting into her new calling as a scantily-clad Internet star/pretend housekeeper, much to the dismay of former top-earner Stacy. The two ended up in a cat fight that allegedly fried the site’s router (exactly how popular is this site?!), but came to a sort of truce by the end. I thought Susan and Stacy would join forces, but instead we got a hint that Susan might be doing this for longer than expected. (Stacy was on her sixth year.) Since Susan is main character — and this is just a light, frivolous storyline — we know that’s not going to happen. Instead, the drama seems to be building towards the inevitable moment when Mike finds out what Susan’s been up to.

Finally, we have Paul. This season’s apparent Big Bad didn’t get a bunch of screen time, instead telling his new wife Beth to attend the ladies’ regular poker game. (The scene with all the main actresses didn’t last nearly long enough.) Beth got the feeling that they didn’t care for Paul, and that was confirmed by Mrs. McCluskey’s revelation that, though he was cleared of killing Felicia Tilman, they still think he murdered Felicia’s sister, Martha. (I’d been wondering why they were frosty myself, so this was good to know.)

Beth seemed surprised by this revelation. There’s been some speculation that she could be the person Felicia Tilman knows in the neighborhood that will help her kill Paul within six months. Beth could be feigning ignorance, but I actually think she’s really naïve. My money is on Keith being Felicia’s inside guy.

So what’d you think of this episode? Has Fairview always had a club where 20-somethings go? Why were there so many pre-teen Hispanic girls in that store at the same time? (I get that it was probably Gabby’s mind playing tricks on her, but it was still funny.) Finally, what tricks can you do with a vacuum cleaner?

NFL 2010 Week 5 Picks

Sorry, Michael Vick.

Last week in my picks column, I openly expressed my desire for Vick to tank the rest of this season after trading him away in my fantasy league at the height of his powers. I’ve spent the rest of the week wondering just how bad of a person I am for extracting a measure of glee after he got injured in the first quarter against the Redskins.

(Wait a minute – this is Michael Vick! F--- that guy, right?!)

That good fortune finally carried over to my picks (10-4 week, 25-21 season). Let’s see if we can keep it going.

JACKSONVILLE @ BUFFALO
People are picking Buffalo because this is one of the few games this season they have a chance of winning. I say if a team is bad enough that you say “there’s only a few games they have a chance of winning this season” you should pick them to lose until they win.

TAMPA BAY @ CINCINNATI
Although I’m concerned about their inability to stop the run, I’m taking the Bucs coming off their bye week. (The bandwagon hit a nasty speed bump against the Steelers, but all the wheels haven’t come off yet.)

ATLANTA @ CLEVELAND
At some point I’m going to have to pick a home team to win, right?

ST. LOUIS @ DETROIT
THIS seems like the perfect spot. I mean, there’s no way the Rams can win three games in a row, right? Then why am I doing this?

KANSAS CITY @ INDIANAPOLIS
Ah, HERE’S a home team we can believe in. The undefeated 1972 Dolphins will be popping their champagne much earlier than usual this year. (Have they even bought a case yet?)

GREEN BAY @ WASHINGTON
Both teams won ugly last week, but Aaron Rodgers won’t be nearly as timid as Kevin Kolb was last week in terms of challenging the Redskins’ pass defense.

CHICAGO @ CAROLINA
Tod Collins vs. Jimmy Clausen. You couldn’t pay me to watch this game. Well, you probably could, but I wouldn’t be very happy about it. First to 14 points wins!

DENVER @ BALTIMORE
The Broncos are terrific at passing the ball and not much else. Unfortunately for them, the Ravens are really good at stopping teams that can only do one thing.

N.Y. GIANTS @ HOUSTON
I’m expecting/hoping this will be a shootout (since I have 4 fantasy starters in this game), and if it gets to be a shootout, I like Houston.

NEW ORLEANS @ ARIZONA
How depressing are the Cardinals (and how nice of a guy is Kurt Warner)? This week he said he felt a little responsible for their struggles this year. Ouch. For the record, Warner has NOTHING to feel bad about – he announced his retirement in a timely, responsible manner, unlike certain other future Hall of Famers. Somebody send him the “it’s not your fault” scene from “Good Will Hunting” immediately.

SAN DIEGO @ OAKLAND
Isn’t there some sort of law that San Diego can’t have a winning record this time of year?

TENNESSEE @ DALLAS
The Cowboys are coming off a bye, but the Titans are coming off a tough loss against the Broncos. I’m going with the Cowboys because it seems like teams finally figured out that they should do everything they can to keep Chris Johnson from running wild and let everyone else on the Titans beat them.

PHILADELPHIA @ SAN FRANCISCO
Despite the fact that they’re in a horrible division, this is a MUST-WIN game for the 49ers. Sorry, but I’ve heard that one before.

MINNESOTA @ N.Y. JETS
Randy Moss is going to help the Vikings (a lot), but not just yet, and not against one of the league’s best defenses. (Now watch him go crazy on Monday Night Football, as he’s fond of doing.) Also, are you proud of me for not bringing up the Brett Favre sexting controversy? (Whoops!)

Jersey Shore: An Unfortunate Situation

After watching the latest episode of “Jersey Shore” it’s clearer to me than ever that the reason The Situation and Angelina fought so much is because they’re probably not that different.

For example, both think nothing about hooking up with multiple people. (Bonus points if it’s someone a fellow cast member has already hooked up with.) With Angelina gone (the rest of house literally busted out the champagne to celebrate) The Situation’s awfulness took center stage.

Unfortunately, the season’s other main source of awfulness (drippy Sammi) also jumped back into the spotlight. Notice I didn’t say “Ronnie and Sammi” in my previous sentence.

Although he was unquestionably the season’s villain early on, and he’s still a major jackass, I saw stuff from Ronnie that reminded me why he was one of my favorite people during season 1. When Sammi was talking about how gross The Situation was in a club Sammi said “If I ever met him, I would be like, “Hell no!” Ronnie’s instant classic response: “You DID meet him…and you made out with him.” Later, when the group was going out, Sammi whined “I don’t feel like I look nice” to which Ronnie responded, “Shut up.”

Damnit, I’m starting to like Ronnie again – Sammi…not so much.

With Angelina gone, Sammi worried that she wouldn’t have anyone else in the house to hang out with (on the rare occasions that Ronnie was able to pry himself away). It just so happened that Snooki wanted to extend an olive branch and the two got to talking.

It all resulted in some of the tensest body language I’ve ever seen when J-Woww came to sit on the couch, and Sammi refused to look at or talk to her. J-Woww gave a semi-convincing, half-hearted apology which Sammi didn’t really accept. Whatever. In her confessional, J-Woww called Sammi a priss and said that she used to beat up girls like that in high school. Also, last week. Later, Sammi told Ronnie about how she wasn’t going to forgive J-Woww (define “irony”) and waffled about whether or not to hang out with J-Woww, Snooki and Snooki’s friend Ryder.

Speaking of Ryder, when Snooki was futilely trying to give her flight information on the phone, I thought we were going to meet a drunker, dumber version of Snooki. Instead, Ryder turned out to be pretty cool.

In other news, Vinny was faced with a “bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” dilemma. Or in his case, “two girls on the beach weren’t worth as much as the possibility of hooking up with hot Romanian Ramona.” Vinny could’ve gone to the beach with two sure things, but chose to wait around for the girl who stood him up twice. (Picking the person who treats him like dirt – how girly of him.) He seems happy with the decision, so whatever.

One person not happy with the decision was The Situation.

Earlier, when The Situation was having trouble forcing himself on women (seriously, that one girl was saying, “Can you stop please?”) he declared that it was time to go. When Snooki complained the two got into an argument for which The Situation never properly apologized. (LOVED Pauly D benefiting from The Situation’s deplorable behavior.)

Later, when the crew went out again The Situation decided he wanted Ramona for himself, and hit on her when Vinny went to the restroom. (What was Vinny supposed to do? Bring her to the bathroom – that IS what Sitch did with his Canadian chick.)

When that didn’t work (hey, when Ramona shows up, she’s loyal!) The Situation turned dark, creepily staring at Vinny and Ramona. When he tried to declare that it was time to go and was rebuffed, he forcibly tried to make out with Snooki (EWWW) and lightly smacked her in the mouth. No, it wasn’t a hard strike, but there’s never any reason to put your hands on a woman.

In the past, I’ve joked about The Situation’s insecurity, but last night he was not fun to watch. As the season winds down, I’m curious to see how this conflict between the show’s two biggest stars (The Situation and Snooki) resolves itself.

So what’d you think of this episode? If you had a pet lobster, what would you name it? (RIP lobster.) Will The Situation’s incredibly douche-y behavior hurt him on “Dancing with the Stars” this week? Finally, what the hell happened to Rocio?