John's 2011 Oscar Picks

Even though I just finished slaving away over my top 10 of 2010 list, I figured I'd try to sneak in some Oscar picks too.

Truth be told, it was kind of fun because 2010 ended up being a pretty solid year for movies. (Whereas last year, it kind of felt like we had to strain to find 10 Best Picture nominees.)

Anyway, I hope you don't mind if I just jump right in. Below you'll find my official pick for who I believe WILL win tonight, as well as who would actually get my vote.

(Warning: My picks will become completely arbitrary as we get to the more obscure categories.)

Best Picture
Black Swan
The Fighter
Inception
The Kids are All Right
The King's Speech
The Social Network
127 Hours
Toy Story 3
True Grit
Winter's Bone


Will win: The King's Speech
Should win: Toy Story 3


What John Thinks: "The King's Speech" had Oscar written all over it even before it opened at your local movie theatre. "Toy Story 3" will never win because voters will see its inevitable Best Animated Film Oscar as enough of a reward. I wonder if there will soon be a year when a highly-acclaimed animated movie bypasses the Best Animated Film category and pushes all of its chips onto the Best Picture race.



Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role
Annette Bening (The Kids are All Right)
Nicole Kidman (Rabbit Hole)
Jennifer Lawrence (Winter's Bone)
Natalie Portman (Black Swan)
Michelle Williams (Blue Valentine)

Will and should win: Natalie Portman.

What John Thinks: I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I think she gave the best performance out of any actor last year.



Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role
Javier Bardem (Biutiful)
Jeff Bridges (True Grit)
Jesse Eisenberg (The Social Network)
Colin Firth (The King's Speech)
James Franco (127 Hours)

Will win: Colin Firth
Should win: Jesse Eisenberg

What John Thinks: Firth will be an extremely worthy winner for his triumphant and crowd-pleasing turn in "The King's Speech", but I'd give the trophy to Eisenberg for his fearlessly abrasive performance and the way he made Aaron Sorkin's challenging dialogue sound like it was written especially for him.


Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role
Christian Bale (The Fighter)
John Hawkes (Winter's Bone)
Jeremy Renner (The Town)
Mark Ruffalo (The Kids are All Right)
Geoffrey Rush (The King's Speech)

Will win: Christian Bale
Should win: Geoffrey Rush

What John Thinks: I'm going to be thrilled for Bale because he's long overdue and he's incredible in "The Fighter", but Rush (a past Oscar winner) was my favorite thing in "The King's Speech" and worthy of the prize.



Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role
Amy Adams (The Fighter)
Helena Bonham Carter (The King's Speech)
Melissa Leo (The Fighter)
Hailee Steinfeld (True Grit)
Jacki Weaver (Animal Kingdom)

Will win: Melissa Leo
Should win: Amy Adams

What John Thinks: Leo's been mostly cleaning up at the major award ceremonies, so she's likely to do the same at the Oscars. (Even if there's a chance that she might be a little crazy.) I'd give the award to Adams, who radiated strength and toughness (words not usually associated with Amy Adams), as well as love in "The Fighter." Steinfeld is also a strong contender, but that was CLEARLY a lead performance, so I wouldn't give her my vote since she doesn't belong in this category.



Best Animated Feature Film of the Year
How to Train Your Dragon
The Illusionist
Toy Story 3

Will and should win: Toy Story 3

What John Thinks: Duh! It's the only one of these that's also up for Best Picture, so which do YOU think the Academy likes the most.



Best Documentary Short Subject
Killing in the Name
Poster Girl
Strangers No More
Sun Come Up
The Warriors of Qiugang

Will win: Killing in the Name
Should win: The Warriors of Qiugang

What John Thinks: Obviously, I haven't seen either, but "Killing in the Name" sounds appropriately grave. Meanwhile, I'd like to see "The Warrios of Quigang" win just so I could watch whichever poor soul is presenting struggle to pronounce "Quigang."



Best Short Film (Animated)
Day & Night
The Gruffalo
Let's Pollute
The Lost Thing
Madagascar, carnet de voyage (Madagascar, a Journey Diary)

Will win: Day & Night
Should win: The Gruffalo

What John Thinks: Pixar's "Day & Night" will win, but I actually thought it was one of their weakest offerings. I'm going with "The Gruffalo", which is also my nickname for Mark Ruffalo.



Best Short Film (Live Action)
The Confession
The Crush
God of Love
Na Wewe
Wish 143

Win and should win: God of Love

What John Thinks: "God of Love" has this on lockdown. Someone please let me know if I'm wright, since I'll probably be in the bathroom during this part.



Achievement in Art Direction
Alice in Wonderland
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1
Inception
The King's Speech
True Grit

Will and should win: Inception

What John Thinks: Since "Inception" will likely be shut out of most of the major awards, I expect it to mostly clean up in the technical categories. I'm not sure how much of "Alice in Wonderland" was art direction, and how much was green screen. "The King Speech" could pull a slight upset.



Achievement in Cinematography
Black Swan
Inception
The King's Speech
The Social Network
True Grit

Will win: True Grit
Should win: Black Swan

What John Thinks: "True Grit" was a big hit and has the second most Oscar nominations out of any movie this year. Yet outside of this category and Steinfeld for Supporting Actress, it has little chance of winning anything. I say the Academy throws them a bone. I'd give the prize to "Black Swan" and its stunning, urgent camera work.



Achievement in Costume Design
Alice in Wonderland
I Am Love
The King's Speech
The Tempest
True Grit

Will win and should win: The King's Speech

What John Thinks: Again, I'm just not sure how much of the stuff in "Alice" was actually there. I'm playing it safe and going with "The King's Speech", which is what the Academy is likely to do as well.



Achievement in Directing
Darren Aronofsky (Black Swan)
David O. Russell (The Fighter)
Tom Hooper (The King's Speech)
David Fincher (The Social Network)
Joel and Ethan Coen (True Grit)

Will win and should win: David Fincher

What John Thinks: The actual race appears to be between Fincher and Tom Hooper. In my world Fincher would be battling it out with Aronofsky. Either way, I'd give Fincher the edge for crafting an entertaining movie out of a bunch of guys sitting around dorm rooms, huddled around computers or sitting at a deposition.



Best Documentary Feature
Exit through the Gift Shop
Gasland
Inside Job
Restrepo
Waste Land

Will win: Inside Job
Should win: Gasland

What John Thinks: The Academy will want to look current by honoring a film about our country's economic meltdown. I'm going with Gasland because...it's the only one I've seen (a little bit of).



Achievement in Makeup
Barney's Version
The Way Back
The Wolfman

Will win and should win: The Wolfman

What John Thinks: Makeup artist Rick Baker is a legend, and I suspect his makeup work was probably the best part of a crappy movie. He'll take the Oscar over weak competition.



Achievement in Film Editing
Black Swan
The Fighter
The King's Speech
127 Hours
The Social Network

Will win: The Social Network
Should win: Black Swan

What John Thinks: My real "Should win" is "Inception" (how the heck is it not up for Editing), but I think "The Social Network" will take the prize for keeping the pace moving and interesting.



Best Foreign Language Film of the Year
Biutiful (Mexico)
Dogtooth (Greece)
In a Better World (Denmark)
Incendies (Canada)
Hors la Loi (Algeria)

Will and should win: In a Better World

What John Thinks: It won this category at the Golden Globes, so, um, there's that!


Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures (Original Score)
How to Train Your Dragon
Inception
The King's Speech
127 Hours
The Social Network

Will win: The Social Network
Should win: Inception

What John Thinks: "The King's Speech" is a possible spoiler, but I don't think the Academy will pass up the chance to seem hip and give the prize to a deserving Trent Reznor. (But not TOO hip, since Daft Punk weren't nominated for "Tron: Legacy.") Meanwhile, I'd give the Oscar to "Inception" composer Hans Zimmer. Thanks to dozens of YouTube videos, we now know his "Inception" score instantly makes ANYTHING seem more exciting.



Achievement in Music Written for Motion Pictures (Original Song)
"Coming Home" from Country Strong
"I See the Light" from Tangled
"If I Rise" from 127 Hours
"We Belong Together" from Toy Story 3

Will win: "If I Rise"
Should win: "I See the Light"

What John Thinks: I see this as the only realistic chance for the Academy to honor "127 Hours." I'd give it to "I See the Light" from "Tangled", because I actually have a clear recollection of the song. (On the other hand, I saw "Toy Story 3", and I LOVED "Toy Story 3", but I have no idea what the hell "We Belong Together" is supposed to be.)



Achievement in Sound Editing
Inception
Toy Story 3
TRON: Legacy
True Grit
Unstoppable



Achievement in Sound Mixing
Inception
The King's Speech
Salt
The Social Network
True Grit

Will and should win: Inception

What John Thinks: I'm taking "Inception" to win both "Sound" categories even if I STILL have no idea what the difference between them is.



Achievement in Visual Effects
Alice in Wonderland
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
Hereafter
Inception
Iron Man 2

Will win: Inception
Should win: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I

What John Thinks: "Inception" will win because no movie was smarter about the way it utilized its visual effects to serve the story, but I'd reward "Harry Potter" for its consistently excellent (and now-underappreciated) effects. (Including several characters who were completely computer generated.)



Adapted Screenplay
127 Hours
The Social Network
Toy Story 3
True Grit
Winter's Bone

Will and should win: The Social Network

What John Thinks: Aaron Sorkin's verbose and rapid-fire screenplay is a lock.



Original Screenplay
Another Year
The Fighter
Inception
The Kids are All Right
The King's Speech

Will win and should win: The King's Speech

What John Thinks: I gave "Inception" a strong look here, but it IS a little heavy and clunky on the exposition. That's why I'm going with "The King's Speech", which turned a potentially stuffy and specific story and transformed it into a film with universal appeal. (I'll let other people fight over how true to life it was.)

John's Top 10 Movies of 2010

Yes, I’m a slacker, but I promise that’s not the reason I’ve waited until now to share my Top 10 Movies of 2010 with you.

I don’t live in New York or L.A., so some of the year’s best movies — which the studios typically hold back until December — don’t come out in my area until January or even February. And that’s if they come out in the Tampa Bay area at all! (I’m still annoyed that “127 Hours” seemed to only play at my local theatre for roughly 127 hours.)

So I usually wait until just before Oscar night to release this list as I frantically try to watch as many Oscar contenders as I can (just caught “The Kids Are All Right” last night) because when I complain about someone being robbed at the Oscars, I want to actually know what I’m talking about.

I’m not a movie critic, so I don’t see everything. Still, I managed to see 42 movies that were released theatrically in the U.S. in 2010.

Before we get to the top 10, let’s hand out some preliminary awards:

BEST MOVIE THAT YOU WOULDN’T EXPECT TO BE AS GOOD AS IT WAS
The Crazies: This is a delightfully nasty piece of work about a small Iowa town whose citizens turn into homicidal maniacs. It has terrific action, Timothy Olyphant in the lead role (rarely a bad thing) and it doesn’t try to do too much.

WORST MOVIE THAT’S EXACTLY AS BAD AS YOU’D EXPECT IT TO BE
The Human Centipede (First Sequence): I’ll let the trailer explain, even though you can probably guess what it’s about. I sat down expecting plenty of “so bad, it’s good” laughs, but — other than a gleefully bananas performance by lead actor Dieter Laser (yes, that’s his real name) — the movie simply turned out to be a truly disgusting piece of work.

BEST REASON THAT MY GIRLFRIEND ERICA AND I WILL CONSIDER WATCHING ANY AMANDA SEYFRIED MOVIE FROM HERE ON OUT
Chloe

BEST CONFIRMATION AS TO WHY ERICA AND I WILL CONSIDER WATCHING ANY ANNE HATHAWAY MOVIE
Love and Other Drugs

WORST MOVIE OF THE YEAR
The Last Airbender: Once again, I’m grading on a curve here. I’m sure there’s a decent chance that something like “Vampires Suck” is worse than “The Last Airbender.” But I still think M. Night Shyamalan is WAY too talented to be making movies this bad. (IS he though?)

WORST MOVIE OF THE YEAR (NON-M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN DIVISION)
The Human Centipede (First Sequence): Let’s congratulate our first multiple winner this year!

BEST MOVIE NO ONE SAW
It’s Kind of a Funny Story: Yes, it can be dismissively summarized as “teenage One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”, and it’s got some indie movie quirks, but I also think it’s a really effective character study with a really strong cast led by Zach Galifianakis in an Oscar-worthy turn. (Seriously.)

We’re almost at the top 10, but let’s recognize the movies that just missed the cut.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Shutter Island: Yes, the “twist” is pretty much given away in the trailer, but this still turns out to be an involving, stylish, affecting drama. Also, THIS was Leonardo DiCaprio’s best work last year.

The Town: Very tight and entertaining crime movie from director Ben Affleck that isn’t quite as effective as a love story. Still, Affleck leads a great cast and is quickly establishing himself as one of the most promising directors working today.

True Grit: Really good performances from its three leads (Jeff Bridgets, Hailee Steinfeld and Matt Damon), and the movie LOOKS fantastic. (Credit should go to Oscar-nominated cinematographer Roger Deakins.) Even though I didn’t want the movie to be a quirk-fest, I still feel like the Coen Bros. played it a little safe. It didn’t seem like a movie that was DEFINITELY directed by them.

The Kids Are All Right: The ensemble worked fantastically-well together (Oscar nominee Mark Ruffalo, especially is at his scruffy, most-appealing best) in this really good, refreshingly traditional movie about a non-traditional family. The only problem is that the movie pretty much lost me in the second half. (Without giving anything away, I REALLY don’t think I was rooting for who the movie wanted me to be rooting for.)

The Fighter: Probably the year’s best ensemble cast, and the toughest cut from the top 10. The reason “The Fighter” is here and not grouped together with the movies coming up is because I thought it was basically a good (not great) family/sports drama that is elevated by amazing acting.

THE TOP 10

10. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Part I): Forget all the expectations director David Yates and Co. have on their shoulders to finish this gargantuan movie franchise in a satisfying, entertaining way (plus do justice to J.K. Rowling’s books). Despite the fact that it’s designed to leave us hanging, this movie delivered action, drama, humor and heart thanks in no small part by great performances from its three young leads, who have grown up before our eyes and become impressive actors.

9. Easy A: The year’s most quotable comedy has a chance to become this generation’s female-driven, teenage flick. (Following in the steps of “Clueless” and “Mean Girls.”) Emma Stone gave the star-making performance we all figured she had in her.

8. Kick-Ass: Pulling off a clever, funny critique of superhero movies is tricky enough, but “Kick-Ass” also managed to be a, well, kick-ass superhero movie in its own right when it examined what would happen if an average kid put on a costume and decided to fight crime.

7. The King’s Speech: This soon-to-be Best Picture winner transcends its Oscar-bait surface to be one of the year’s most moving dramas. Colin Firth and (especially) Geoffrey Rush are excellent in a story about friendship and courage disguised as a stuffy historical drama.

6. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World: The year’s most energetic action comedy hit plenty of sweet sports for young people (indie rock, videogames), but it still managed to be a sneakily sweet love story. Michael Cera subtly and effectively recalibrated his “Michael Cera” persona to give his best performance to date.

5. Black Swan: Yes, if you pay really close attention, there’s a decent chance the storyline doesn’t add up. Still, Darren Aronofsky’s psycho-sexual ballet thriller is impressive in its audacity and its exploration of obsession and artistic perfection. Oh, and there’s also the part where Natalie Portman gives the best performance out of any actor last year.

4. Inception: Christopher Nolan’s mind-bending adventure came out SO long ago (at least it feels that way), that detractors have had more than enough time to pick apart its imperfections. Still, I’m here to celebrate the immaculate skill with which Nolan assembled his thriller, and the fact that he thinks enough of his audience to give them an ambitious, structurally complicated blockbuster.

3. The Social Network: Yeah, it’s “the Facebook movie”, but what makes David Fincher’s excellent drama so impressive is that its themes (friendship, betrayal, wanting to belong) are completely universal. Still, since it IS “the Facebook movie” Aaron Sorkin’s screenplay also found a way to dramatize and capture the moment where the way that people relate to each other changed. (For the worse?)

2. Toy Story 3: The original “Toy Story” is one of my favorite movies. It felt like we’d dodged a bullet when “Toy Story 2” not only turned out to be not-horrible, but it was actually pretty great! With “Toy Story 3” it felt like they were REALLY pushing their luck. We should’ve known better. Sure, the beats are familiar (toys feel unwanted, get separated from each other), this “Story” was told with such impressive heart, skill, humor and intelligence that it’s hard not be in awe. I haven’t even mentioned the part where it brought this beloved movie franchise to a wonderful end.

1. Let Me In: The most criminally under-seen movie of the year. I think more people saw “The Twilight Saga: Eclipse” on a Tuesday afternoon than “Let Me In” in its entire run. The remake — and yes, it IS a remake…don’t give me any of this “it’s just an English-language adaptation of the original novel” stuff…there were shots and moments lifted directly from the original Swedish movie — streamlined and improved upon everything that was good about “Let the Right One In.” (Sorry, but even though I like LTROI, it crawls at times.) Director Matt Reeves tightened up the plot and made a more exciting movie without losing any of the story’s heart. A lot of the credit for that should go to his two leads, Chloe Grace Moretz and Kodi Smit-McPhee, who were truly excellent.

So what’d you think? What was your favorite movie of the past year? Who are you rooting for at the Oscars?

Jersey Shore: Dining with Myself

“Hi, Sam.”

With that casual greeting, Pauly D casually welcomed Sammi (Not So) Sweetheart back into the “Jersey Shore” house.

(My reaction as she walked in was a LOT closer to this.)

Even though we’re smack dab in the middle of the lull that seems to hit the second half of every “Jersey Shore” season — maybe each season should only have five or six episodes — I am NOT excited about the prospect of more Sammi and Ronnie drama.

I mean, did you see them in this episode? Sammi looked healthy and happy at home with her mom and her potential badass of a sister. For his part, Ronnie seemed to be getting back to the jolly self we all forgot existed because he had morphed into a monster after a pep talk from his dad(‘s terrific mustache). Ronnie was actually smiling and laughing in the few seconds right before Sammi walked through the door!

But enough about them. I’m sure I’ll have enough time to talk about them next week when they’re depressing relationship dominates the proceedings again.

Last night was mostly about that not-so-merry prankster The Situation and that diminutive playa Snooki.

The episode opened the morning after Snooki hooked up with what-his-name. Apparently, Gianni was less than effective in the pleasure department. I half expected Snooki to be wearing a shirt that said “I Hooked Up With Gianni Last Nigh, And All I Got Was A Sore Vagina.”

Either way, the rest of the guys started giving Snooki a hard time for bringing a guy home (double standard!), but Snooki was more interested in finding a quality cuddle partner, so she called Nick, who is friends with Roger, J-Woww’s kinda-boyfriend. If you thought that previous sentence was confusing, fasten your seat belts. Nick had previously hooked up with Snooki, but he stood her up on their latest date because it turns out that he’s friends with Gianni. On top of that, Gianni is apparently cousins with Jeff, yet another guy that Snooki hooked up with.

(DISCLAIMER: It’s entirely possible that I confused some names or how some of these guys actually related to each other in the previous paragraph, but you get the picture: Snooki needs to expand her horizons.)

Maybe she could’ve met a quality guy in Times Square.

To get back at Snooki and Deena for putting marshmallows all over the house (and for annoying him while he was on the phone), The Situation arranged for a cab to drive them all the way to Times Square, instead of Jenkinson’s. Now, in my opinion, THIS is a prank, and much better than Vinny hanging Snooki’s stuffed Crocodilly over the balcony. Pauly D agreed, and so did Vinny. I actually thought Vinny might rat The Situation out after The Situation blew Vinny’s (lame) gag last week, but thankfully he’s no snitch and went along with it.

Once the girls realized they had no idea where they were going, they understandably freaked out, but after that I can’t really explain their reaction to you. They seemed like they were really upset. Then they got really drunk anyway. Then they started laughing and partying. But then they were angry again. As Mike said, their behavior defied the Law of Intelligence. (Who wants to be the one to tell Sitch that that’s not a thing?) Also, why were the girls so upset? They got a free ride into New York City…and they started it!

The fact that the girls were so pissed off at him didn’t seem to faze The Situation because he was still hurting over being abandoned by his boys when they went out for dinner.

Now with creative editing, it’s impossible to say how long the guys were actually waiting around for Mike to get ready after he said he’d be down in a few minutes. If you’re to believe the episode, The Situation was up there for five hours. (Personally, I think it was closer to 25 minutes.) Either way, Vinny, Pauly and Ronnie ditched them to eat at a restaurant that served enough food to feed anyone who has ever appeared on the “Jersey Shore.” Pauly called himself a gluttonous piece of s--- afterwards. (Hey, he used the word “gluttonous” correctly…he IS the smart one!)

The Situation, meanwhile, was left to eat on his own. Apparently, he was too depressed to drive after his boys left him — he’d been there for Ronnie, and he’d bought Pauly that awesome toy bike — so J-Woww took him. I have to say, the episode’s MVP was probably whichever one of Jenni’s dogs barked and bit at Mike when he was being an impatient passenger seat driver.

Watching Mike eat dinner with himself and pretend to have a conversation with his friends was fascinating, sad, funny at times, and more than a little tragic. In other words, it perfectly encapsulated why I watch this show.

So what’d you think of this episode? Where and what IS Jenkinson’s? (I’m not from that part of the country, so I have no clue.) What do these people have to do for Danny to fire them from their "job"? Finally, why can't Snooki see that Vinny isn't really being a gentleman by not hooking up with her? (He's just not that into her.)

American Idol: Semifinal Destination

On Wednesday night we learned the identity of five of the singers who will make up this year’s top 24 on “American Idol.”

Last night — after many slo-mo walks, and many terrible Steven Tyler fake-outs — we learned who’ll be joining them.

Although the two-hour show was unavoidably painful at times, I commend the producers for dedicating more time to the people who made it through and mostly zipping by those who were cut.

In a related story, Happy 25th Birthday to “Rocker” Jessica Cunningham, who was understandably pissed off about being cut just shy of the semifinals, but not too upset to realize that her dueling middle fingers would be covered up by the “American Idol” logo-bubble.

But enough about the losers who didn’t make it! (I know. Harsh.) Instead, here are my quick thoughts on the 19 singers who qualified for the semifinal round last night, in alphabetical order:

Casey Abrams: For once I’m on board with Randy’s absurd hype. Even though we’re at a ridiculously early stage of the competition, Casey may wind up being the most talented musician this show has ever seen. Also, don’t let that distract you from the fact that he’s a great singer. I really hope his reported hospitalization doesn’t mean he’ll have to drop out.

Lauren Alaina: One wrong move and the “American Idol” logo-bubbles were going to be covering up some private parts. I’m annoyed by her a little more each time I see her…not good.

Jovanny Barreto: Jovanny seems like a strong, but unspectacular singer. The nicest thing I can think to say about him is that I appreciate him trying to class the procedures up a bit with his wardrobe.

Kendra Chantelle: Really nice job on Alicia Keys’ “Fallin” (if only I weren’t completely done with that song), but I still think the most interesting thing about her is her name.

Jordan Dorsey: Unlike Clint Jun Gamboa, he didn’t really do much to dispel the notion from Hollywood Week that he’s kind of a dick. Good luck with that.

James Durbin: Last night we heard him sing “A Change is Gonna Come,” just like Adam Lambert did in season 9. James…I’ve seen Adam Lambert, and you sir are no Adam Lambert. (Even though your vocal was kind of incredible.) Either way, stop trying to be Adam Lambert and start trying to be yourself. Also, stop with the fabric tail and stop yelling at me!

Tim Halperin: Still interested to see how if Julie Zorilla’s duet partner during Beatles night can stand out on his own. (Especially now that he knows never to ask a woman her age.)

Stefano Langone: I’m not sure his voice is strong enough to last, and I didn’t think the original song he performed for the judges was very memorable. Other than that, I think he’s great.

Brent Loewenstern: It was down to him, Jacee Badeaux and Colton Dixon (fantastic name!) for the final slot in the top 24. Jacee was told he needed a little more seasoning as a performer. Even though Brent does have a more assured presence on stage than Jacee and has definitely been one of the standouts this year, I wouldn’t have minded if they gave him the “better luck next year” routine in favor of Colton. Mostly because I like typing the name “Colton Dixon.”

Jacob Lusk (pictured, left): True confessions time! You may have noticed that I’ve been extremely reluctant to jump on the Jacob Lusk bandwagon. And, yes, even though I think he’s a double-stuffed ham sandwich when he (over)sings, the main reason I don’t care for the guy is because my girlfriend Erica made a joke about how he looks just like me. I tried to act like I wasn’t offended, but come on! I’m MUCH better looking than this guy!!! I don’t know if you can tell, but it still bothers me. A little.

Anyway, according to Randy his “God Bless the Child” was “the single best performance on ‘Idol.’ Ever.” Ugh! The judges have pegged Jacob as one of the singers they’re going to pimp this year, so I’m guessing he’ll be around for a while.

Scotty McCreery: Apparently, there was only room for one male country singer this season. (Sorry, John Wayne Schulz.) The fact that Scotty can only do one type of music really well isn’t a bad thing. In fact, I think he has the potential to be a really successful recording artist. I just think he’s going to struggle big time to adapt in this competition. Also, 1/4 Puerto Rican? Who knew?!

Thia Megia: Edged out Jessica Cunningham for the final slot on the female side. There’s a decent chance she was hoping to get eliminated so that she won’t have to potentially work with Vocal Coach From Hell Peggi Blu.

Karen Rodriguez: Sang a Selena song — J.Lo sweet spot — very well. (Then again, as long as you don’t ask her how old she is, you’re pretty much in J.Lo’s sweet spot.) More importantly, she proved that MySpace IS still good for something. Oh wait…no it’s not.

Robbie Rosen: His performance of “Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word” was very assured and controlled. He sounded great and he’s gaining momentum.

Pia Toscano: Nothing personal against Pia, but she’s a perfect example as to why I’m much more interested in hearing what the men have to offer in Tuesday night’s episode. Gun to your head, do you have ANY idea what Pia’s voice sounds like? To me, the judges did an infinitely better job of picking guys with a wide variety of voices and tones. I can’t say the same for the ladies.

Lauren Turner: She, um, seems like a cool person. I vaguely remember seeing her curly hair during Hollywood Week a few times. Sorry, I got nothin’.

Tatynisa Wilson: Who?! Oh yeah, it’s that person who butchered “I Hope You Dance” that isn’t Scotty McCreery. Wasn’t very impressed by her take on “Unbreak My Heart.” Sorry.

Rachel Zevita: I liked her necklace tie. (Or was it a tie necklace.) I liked her scorching take on “Speechless” even more. The main problem for me was that I wasn’t 100% sure which woman was supposed to be her grandmother, and which was her mother. (That’s probably not good.)

Julie Zorilla: One of the few useful critiques to come out of last night’s cliché-ridden babble is that Julie may have all the tools, but doesn’t seem very connected to what she’s singing. I’m interested to see if Julie can improve in that area.

So what’d you think of this episode? What do you think of this top 24? Finally, if Casey has to drop out, which guy would you like to see replace him? (I vote for Colton over Jacee.)

Justified: Bus Boy

Can a guy just have a quiet drink by himself?

That’s what Boyd Crowder was undoubtedly asking himself throughout last night’s episode. After a bus full of criminals and drugs — mostly Oxycodone — was hijacked by another couple of crooks, Boyd was everyone’s #1 suspect. (The bus hijacking only featured a straight-up, brutal murder. The colorful capers we’ve seen from Boyd tend to involve an explosion, so this heist was actually low key by comparison.)

Whether it was the hapless Dewey Crowe stopping by to ask Boyd about the hijacking — Dewey was part of the original group of crooks who got hijacked — or whether it was Raylan sniffing around Ava’s house so he could interrogate Boyd (and, it turns out, Ava), Walton Goggins’ reformed(?) bad man was front and center last night.

And I haven’t even mentioned the president of the Boyd Crowder Fan Club, who hounded his idol so much that he ended up going for a very unpleasant, hot-footed ride at the end of the episode.

Did I see a smile creep across Boyd’s face at the end of the episode? Was it regret? I can’t tell, and that’s the great thing about Goggins’ performance last night. I can’t exactly tell how he felt about finally getting back in touch with his inner badass.

The rest of the time, Goggins’ work was impressive in its blank-faced economy. Last season, when no one believed that Boyd was reformed, it turned out that he kind of was. Based on that, I should’ve believed him when he said that he had nothing to do with the bus hijacking, and I mostly did. However, there was a small nagging part of me that wouldn’t have been surprised if Boyd HAD orchestrateD the whole thing. That’s due, in no small part, to the edge Goggins brings to this role, even when he’s being good or he’s not saying very much.

This week, we learned a lot more about why he’s living at Ava’s place. He’s helping her out financially (and doing an honest night’s work), while she provides him a place to stay (as long as he doesn’t look at her funny). They’re both the only kin the other person has left, so it’s mutually beneficial in a really depressing way.

Despite what he may say, Raylan was being at least a little arrogant when he insisted that Ava was only shacking up with Boyd to get back at him. When Ava asked him to go inside the house to talk about it, I actually thought for more than a moment that Raylan was going to cave in, especially after his less than delightful dinner with the still-married Winona at the start of the episode. Even though Timothy Olyphant’s Raylan is a thoroughly decent guy, I can see him slipping up and hooking up with Ava again.

What I could never see is him slapping on his signature hat, and ripping off a couple of hijackers. Yet this is exactly what Dewey Crowe’s brilliant plan came down to when he dressed up as Raylan, stole back the drugs from the hijackers, and made sure those two guys knew that it was “Raylan Givens” who had ripped him off.

The episode’s funniest scene was probably the one that came immediately after that with Doyle Bennett clumsily feeling out the real Raylan — who he believed to be a criminal — as a potential future partner-in-crime. We know that Raylan knows that the Bennett family isn’t to be trusted, but it was fun to see him be totally put off by Doyle’s overtures and making the guy squirm. (Raylan was so annoyed, in fact, that he was actually kind of rude to the female criminal informant who cleared his name by repeatedly closing that car door in her face.)

Of course, the hijackers didn’t know that the real Raylan Givens would never steal drugs, so they came looking for him and they found him with faux Raylan Givens (aka Dewey), who was using his Oxy money to enjoy the company of some lady friends. As far as the shootouts on this show go, this one ranks pretty low.

Doyle is partly to blame for that because when he found out that the two hijackers were hired by Doyle’s brother Dickie, he shot them dead. (Can’t have them getting caught and blabbing to the police.) I was under the impression that Dickie was the criminal mastermind among the three brothers (and that may still be the case), but last night it was Doyle who gave his two brothers a stern talking to. Of course, when Doyle threatened to tell their mom and Dickie started wavering, we were reminded of who’s REALLY in charge.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is Marshal Tim more than “a little off”? (The way he was staring at Raylan and Winona on their date was at least a little creepy.)Will Winona divorce Gary? Have we heard the last of this Oxy bus business, or will it pop up again the way the Miami cartel storyline occasionally reared its head last season? Finally, has Boyd gone back to the dark side?

America's Next Top Recap: The Girl in the Plastic Bubble

I’ve been watching this show for WAY too long.

About 25 minutes into this episode, I correctly predicted that ____ would go home. (Just because I figured it out almost immediately, doesn’t mean I’d spoil it for someone reading this recap that hasn’t watched the episode.) I’m not exactly throwing out my shoulder to pat myself on the back, because it was pretty obvious this “pretty” girl would be packing her bags by the end of the hour. (“Pretty” is just about the worst thing you could be in this twisted world.)

Also, when Tyra dressed up as some of the archetypes who try out for this show — my favorite is the goth chick who is too cool for the competition and isn’t there to make friends — I barely even blinked. Tyra’s brand of crazy is normal to me now.

That costume party was actually the closest thing we’d get to a casting episode since cycle 16’s big twist was revealed to be…no casting episode! (Wah-wah.) Tyra also had a twist up her sleeve for the 14 contestants she had selected as finalists: she threw on a trucker hat, had the camera shoot her in black and white and from the side and Punk’d the finalists into believing they’d been eliminated before revealing that they were, in fact, in the model house!

At this point, I couldn’t help but wonder what happened to the girls who thought they’d actually made the cut. I REALLY hope they were ringers who were in on the joke, otherwise that’s just wrong. (Even for Tyra.) (But then again, if they were ringers, why did we see footage of Tyra deliberating with the other judges?)

Anyway, without a casting episode it was even more difficult than usual to get to know the contestants names and faces. Here’s what I have so far:

Dominique = Maya Rudolph (because of the freckles), if Maya Rudolph weren’t fun. Alexandria = the bossy one. Kasia = fiercely real (this year’s euphemism for “plus-size”, which itself is a euphemism for “a regular person.”) Monique = too sexy (like a mix of Olivia Munn and Megan Fox, but pleasant), which isn’t as bad as being “too pretty.” Sara = rat tail. Mikaela = eyebrows! Finally, there’s Jaclyn, who shattered R&B star Babyface’s record for “Most times being referred to as a ‘babyface.’” Also has a potentially annoying voice that I kind of like.

Model-jewelry maker Erin Wasson (are there any models who are JUST models?) introduced this week’s challenge, a fashion show in which the contestants would be encased in a plastic bubble and walk on a 12-inch-wide runway that extended over a pool of water. (Why waste time getting to the ridiculousness, right?)

Most of the models stumbled around, a couple fell (Dominique had a little fun with her fall), and Brittani was the only one who did a good job, and she was declared the challenge winner. Her reward was a piece of jewelry from Erin Wasson. Oh wait, everyone else got one of those too. Never mind.

The elimination challenge was a photo shoot by Russell James (who had better hair than Wasson) that took place backstage as the girls prepared for their runway show. (Apparently, this is the latest thing in fashion.)

My favorite photos came courtesy of Alexandria (the first photo we saw, and it was such an incredibly strong profile, that it didn’t matter that we couldn’t see her face and that her eyes were closed), Monique (looking delightfully eager while looking up at the camera), Mikaela (making good use of her striking jawline and eyebrows) and Molly (who achieved natural wind-in-the-hair and won Top Photo honors.)

I didn’t flip out for Brittani’s picture nearly as much as the judges did. I admire that she was calm while someone placed makeup inside her eyelid, but that sort of thing creeps me out. (I can’t even watch my girlfriend Erica put on her contact lenses.) I was also disappointed by “fiercely real” Kasia’s photo. It was fiercely blah.

My favorite critique of the night: “That picture looks like a 19-year-old boy with make up on…but that’s what I like about it.” – Tyra to Sara. Of course it is, Tyra.

Not faring so well were Dominique and Angelia, who were CLEARLY the worst two of the bunch. Dominique’s profile picture was totally boring, but at least she has a little attitude that makes her interesting. Also, those freckles.

That meant Angelia, whose picture looked like a Facebook profile pic according to Erica, was sent home. I’d love to tell you more about Angelia, but I don’t remember a single thing about her, other than her becoming the 75th person to claim that she was “America’s Next Top Model” only to be sent home later in the hour.

So what’d you think of this episode? Should Tyra wear a shirt with Nigel’s face on it next week? Where does Andre Leon Talley get off telling Brittani to take her feathered hair clip off when he appeared to be wearing a hand broom on his hat? Finally, who is your early favorite? (Assuming you have one.)

My Ridiculously Early Pick to Win it All this year is: Ondrei. Totally under the radar last night, but has a striking look. (Hey, last year my pick came in second.)

American Idol: Hello, Goodbye

You’re not going to believe this, but the contestants on “American Idol” once again took on the Beatles songbook again. (Again!)

That opening sentence was only slightly more redundant than the show’s fixation on the Fab Four’s music. It’s not that I don’t respect the Beatles’ music, it’s just that I was naïve enough to believe that all the much-hyped new changes this season might include a more varied selection of music.

Then again, I’m much more impressed by this year’s group of contestants (especially compared to last season’s turd-y bunch), so I figured this might not be that bad. The verdict: Um, I don’t really know because the show inexplicably decided to dedicate an hour to the music of the Beatles, and an hour to contestants runway-walking down a gigantic airplane hangar in slow motion.

Let’s jump right into last night’s episode, starting at the end.

- I believe Jennifer Lopez’s tears over Chris Medina’s elimination were genuine. (Insert your own joke about J.Lo isn’t a good enough actress to fake that. Har-har.)

When she was crying about the fact that she didn’t feel like she’d properly explained to Chris why they’d let him go, it was an ugly cry. It wasn’t a “stare stoically ahead while a single tear runs down your cheek” cry. It was a “stare straight down at your belly button because you can’t stop crying and you know your face looks terrible” cry.

- In a related story, it was Chris’ time to go. Based on what we’ve seen, the guy is near the top of the heap as a human being. As a singer, he had no business being in the top 24.

(Let’s hop back to the first hour, where the 61 remaining contestants performed in the Las Vegas stage of the Cirque Du Soleil “Love” show, featuring Beatles music.)

- I’m not really sure what good came out of having music industry titan Jimmy Iovine drop by and offer his thoughts. From what we saw, he came in and either told the contestants that they sucked or that the were singing the wrong song. How about some actually guidance…

- …from someone other than Peggi Blu, the Bobby Knight of vocal coaches (She really had it in for Thia Megia.) Despite an underwhelming performance on stage, Thia Megia is still in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Idol, while her duet partner Melinda Ademi didn’t make the cut. At least she didn’t die on stage.

- Seriously, what IS the deal with James Durbin’s tail of fabric? Is that supposed to make him look like a “rocker”? (His “Get Back” duet with Stefano Langone, the first performance of the evening, was adequate, at best.)

- My favorite performances of the Beatles round: Robbie Rosen, Jordan Dorsey and Aaron Sanders’ take on “Got To Get You Into My Life”, the last performance we saw. Robbie was the standout, and Jordan was, thankfully, not a monster; Kendra Chantelle and Paul McDonald’s “Blackbird” duet. Sure the most interesting thing about Kendra is her great name, but Paul’s quiet, slightly creepy vocals intrigued me (a dash of Ray LaMontagne, and a LOT of James Morrison); I also REALLY enjoyed Tim Halperin and Julie Zorilla’s keyboard-tastic take (pictured, right) on “Something.” They may not have been sensational individually, but they were great together. I feel like I could’ve watched them for a while longer.

- Performances that stood out for not so great reasons: Scotty McCreery, Denise Jackson and Lauren Alaina get points for incorporating that phone booth on stage but lose them for their cheesy choreography on “Hello, Goodbye.” (I feel like that performance could and SHOULD have been scored to “Yakety Sax.”) Haley Reinhart, Naima Adedapo and Jacob Lusk have a ton of talent, but their group number was kind of a mess. Naima was the best, but I feel like if Jacob and Haley were ever to do a duet together, it might take them 15 minutes to finish a three-minute song with all the over-singing they do. (Still, I kinda like Haley…Jacob, not as much.)

Everyone else fell somewhere between competently energetic to frustratingly decent. (Though I feel like there’s some fun material of Casey Abrams and Chris Medina performing on the cutting room floor.)

- Among the people we said goodbye to in Vegas that we’ll miss: Molly DeWolf Swenson, Carson Huggins, Caleb Hawley. Molly, especially, was one of my early favorites and I’m bummed that we didn’t hear a note from her after her audition.

- Among the people we said goodbye to in Vegas that I WON’T miss? Newlywed Ashley Sullivan. I’m just done with her. And now that one of the camera guys served as her wedding witness, I really hope the show is done with her too.

- Is getting married in the same place where Britney Spears had her quickie and regretful Vegas wedding really something to be proud of?

- Why an enormous hangar for the top 24 announcement? Why not at least turn on those biplanes while the contestants were performing for the judges one last time to get some dramatic wind action? I have so many questions!

- Also, it’s pretty cool that we have the ability to hear the contestants’ thoughts as they march down the hanger to hear their fate. It must be pretty empty in those heads judging by the mild echo we’re getting.

- Clint Jun Gamboa continued his contrition tour. I mean, yeah, he was kind of a dick to Jacee Badeaux (the equivalent of punching a Care Bear in the stomach), but I’m over it. Will people forgive him though? What if the producers set it up so that the last spot in the finals came down to him and Jacee?

- So far, these five people are in the top 24: Clint, Naima Adedapo (fabulously overdressed) Paul McDonald (fabulously AND ridiculously overdressed), Haley Reinhart (dressed like a normal person) and Ashton Jones (lame fakeout).

- We watched these people get cut: Hollie Cavanaugh (rapidly improving singing wasn’t enough — maybe now she can improve on moving her shoulders when she walks), Lakeisha Lewis (actually seemed like a pretty strong singer), Deandre Brackensick (thought he had tons of star power, but would almost certainly have had to drop his cumbersome last name) Alex Ryan (who?!) and Chris Medina.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is Peggi Blu’s career as a vocal coach over? Where can I get a sequined suit with flowers on it? Finally, what other “shocking” eliminations do you see going down tonight?

Glee: Wasted Opportunities

By now it’s become pretty obvious that “Glee” will never again JUST be a show about a group of scrappy young underdogs who sing and dance because that’s when they’re at their happiest.

Creator Ryan Murphy and Co. have decided to use the show’s popularity — and the influence it wields — to tackle topics that are clearly near and dear to their hearts. The most prominent example is the gay bullying storyline that dominated the first half of this season.

The latest episode, “Blame it on the Alcohol”, addressed the issue of underage drinking. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t alone in thinking, “WHY the hell is ‘Glee’ addressing underage drinking?!” before shuddering at the thought of a potential Very Special Abortion episode down the line.

Things didn’t get off to a promising start when Principal Figgins declared that public drunkenness was an epidemic at McKinley High (um…sure, why not?) and asked Will and the glee club to come up with a song to perform at an assembly during Alcohol Awareness Week. (Groan…not every episode HAS to have a theme.)

That’s why I was positively shocked by how much I ended up liking this episode! By having the glee club kids point out how corny the idea of an “Alcohol Awareness Week” is (and how hypocritical a lot of adults are about the issue of drinking), the episode still managed to get its message across…but in a cynical, biting, interesting way. It was a tricky balance, but I think the show mostly nailed it.

But even if you didn’t care a lick for the show’s preachiness, there was still more than enough to like.

Most of all, I’m enjoying the return of season 1 Rachel, the mega-talented, insecure overachiever. While her gay dads were away on the Rosie O’Donnell cruise, she decided to throw a party at her house in hopes of gaining some life experience that would improve her songwriting. Naturally, Rachel’s party featured the host welcoming her guests in front of a giant portrait of herself (it would’ve been Idina Menzel), and wearing a homely Disney princess gown. The two-drink-ticket maximum was also a nice touch.

Eventually, Puck and Finn convinced her to let them break into her dads’ liquor cabinet, and that’s when the real fun started: including a drunken, spin-the-bottle smooch with Blaine. That kiss had some real heat behind it, which is why it wasn’t surprising that Rachel ended up asking Blaine out on a date. More surprising is that Blaine actually accepted and seemed to have a good time. Alas, the potential romance was squashed when Rachel planted a kiss on Blaine while they were both sober, and he realized that he’s gay after all. The best part was that, instead of becoming mopey/cry-y Rachel, she used the rejection by a gay man to fuel her songwriting. THERE’S the go-getter Rachel we used to love! (Or maybe that was just me.)

Naturally, Kurt wasn’t too thrilled during Blaine and Rachel’s brief fling. In fact, he was pretty much an asshole.

This isn’t the first time either. I thought he was pretty much an asshole when he manipulated his parents into dating and acted all indignant when Finn freaked out over his advances last season. Last night, he was intolerant about Blaine’s confusion over his own sexual orientation. Kurt was an ever bigger dick to his dad, who was understandably upset when he saw that Blaine had slept over with out his knowledge. (To me, it doesn’t matter if they’re a boy, girl, straight, bi, whatever…if you’re having someone sleep over, you NEED to let your parents know.)

This isn’t the worst thing in the world. You’re not going to believe this, but sometimes teenagers are COMPLETELY HORRIBLE, so Kurt’s attitude was certainly realistic. I’m just not sure if that’s what the writers were going for.

Where the writers HAVE succeeded is in making Mr. Schue considerably less pathetic. And I say this after an episode where he got wasted, drunk dialed Sue by accident and had his feelings for Emma played over the school loudspeaker. Either way, Will’s friendship with Coach Beiste was definitely a highlight of the episode, and a smart way of keeping the appealing Dot-Marie Jones in the mix now that football season is over at McKinley.

I wish I could say the same for Sue. Once again, Jane Lynch knocked all her biting one-liners out of the park, but Sue — mocking Schue about his future drinking problem and teasing him about how her glee club is going to crush his — is just becoming a nuisance...and not in a fun way. That being said, her pushing the “chipper homosexual” who used to coach Aural Intensity down the stairs (twice!) was brilliant in the same way her sustained tantrum during the Super Bowl episode was fantastic.

On the other hand, I thought the writers made Brittany EXACTLY dumb enough last night. Brittany saying “That is so racist” — after Quinn said Mr. Schue was the pot calling the kettle black — was my favorite line of the night. Brittany is dim, not retarded.

Let’s get on with the musical performances:

“My Headband”…B+: I loved that Lea Michele appeared to be singing live. I also really liked that the show conveyed the notion that writing a good original song won’t be easy. (And this one was hilariously terrible.) The brief number also served as a decent catalyst for the episode’s plot. (Rachel needed to live a little, so she can write about something other than her headband.)

“Don’t You Want Me”…A: I’ll admit this song is a guilty pleasure of mine. More importantly, we need more reasons to have the outrageously-talented Lea Michele and Darren Criss sing songs together. Also, OF COURSE Rachel has a stage in her house!

“Blame It On the Alcohol”…A-: Usually, when New Directions to do an R&B or hip-hop track, they look like giant dorks and it’s pretty embarrassing. However, I actually think they pulled this off extremely well. This was...COOL! If they’d somehow roped Ron Howard into a cameo, it would’ve been an A. (What?! It wouldn’t have been weirder than him popping up in the actual video for this song.)

“One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer”…B+: I’d never heard the song before in my life, but I thought this was another really organic performance in terms of how it fit into the rest of the episode. Also, I thought Beiste sounded pretty damn good.

“Tik-Tok”…C+: The pre-recorded vocals on this show pretty much always sound over-produced, but they were BLATANTLY phony on this number. They might as well have had Brittany/Heather Morris lip synch to the actual Ke-dollar sign-ha recording. The only reason this doesn’t get a lower grade from me is because Morris’s legs looked incredible!

So what’d you think of this episode? What “type” of drunk are you? (Needy? Angry? Stripper?) Do you have your nemesis’ phone number stored on your phone? Finally, has anyone out there ever actually seen GRAY vomit in real life? (Ewwwww!)

Desperate Housewives: Utter Nunsense

I pretty much completely panned the previous episode of “Desperate Housewives” because it was aggressively unfunny. (Sorry, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect laughs from a show that is billed as a comedy.)

This week’s installment almost couldn’t go anywhere but up.

But even with those lowered expectations, “Farewell Letter” managed to deliver both in the laugh department and with its forays into more serious territory.

Last week I said that the writers need to give Susan a new kidney as soon as possible because there’s absolutely no way to make dialysis funny. (I’m even getting tired of hearing the word “dialysis” on this show.) Well, god bless them, last nigh they tried.

After getting out of a speeding ticket because she was late for a dialysis appointment, Susan started using her condition to her benefit, including as an excuse to cut in line at the grocery store (no thanks to “Tom & Jerry” aficionado MJ). When Renee realized what Susan was up to, she convinced Susan to try to get them into an exclusive restaurant for lunch. (By the way, I guess Susan and Renee are best friends now. The show still has absolutely no idea what to do with Vanessa Williams, so I don’t blame them for using her to try and prop up Teri Hatcher’s disastrous storyline.)

A diabetic patron and with an arthritic wife angrily and amusingly complained (there was no Ebola in the house), and Susan was sent to back of the line, where she fainted followed by Renee frantically calling for an ambulance. So even when they go for laughs with Susan’s storyline, they end up at a not funny place. Can she please start stripping on the Internet again?

Fortunately, all the other Housewives fared much better. Well, all of them, except for poor Beth Young, who was booted out of her house after Paul finally confronted her about being his archnemesis’ daughter. Earlier in the episode, Paul had forced his son Zach into rehab, and Zach paid him back by telling Paul that he had shot him because he had wanted to see him die and that no one, including Paul’s ex and Zach’s mom Mary Alice, could ever love him. Paul repeated those words to Beth — someone who actually HAD fallen in love with him — as he threw her out.

The portrayal of Paul as a sort of tragic figure is interesting given that he began this season as a cartoonishly evil character. I don’t know that I believe the idea that Mary Alice never loved Paul — she killed herself because she was being blackmailed — so I don’t buy that he is thoroughly unlovable. Maybe he has some redemption in him before this season is out.

Also, is there any way that the person we saw shoot themselves in the promo for next week’s episode ISN’T Beth? (Paul did shove her gun back into her hand when he kicked her out.)

Beth may or may not meet her end next week, but the relationship between Bree and Keith DID come to its predictable end during this episode.

I commend the writers for doing it in a surprising way. I (and I think many others) assumed that Keith would break up with her because Bree kept the identity of his son a secret. (At worst, he seemed mildly annoyed.) Instead, Keith had fallen head over heels in love with Charlie, who had moved back to Florida with his life. Bree gave a great speech about how she’d fallen in and out of love several times, but had never fallen out of love with either of her children. (Not even Danielle?! Or Andrew at his worst?) Instead of moving to Florida with Keith, she broke up with him.

This relationship was clearly not built to last, but I think the writers did a good job of ending it in an organic way. (Even though Keith DID seem a little too gung-ho about Charlie…I guess visiting him three or four times a year was never going to be enough for him.)

Like Marcia Cross, Eva Longoria (not Parker) skillfully handled her potential downer of a storyline. Gabby’s therapist had encouraged her to travel to her hometown of Las Colinas, Texas and read a leader at the grave of her stepfather, who had molested her when she was little. (I also would’ve talked Carlos, who it turns out is not her chauffeur, into pissing on his grave while they were there.)

Unfortunately, her mission got sidetracked when she realized that she was a major celebrity in her dreaded hometown. Between print and phone interviews, and warning young girls of the dangers of math and science, Gabby came face to face with the nun she confided in years earlier, but who had called her a liar. I half expected another nun-tastic beat down, but instead Gabby strongly and bravely confronted the woman about her unforgivably passive role in her abuse. Probably the best mix of comedy and drama in the episode.

Meanwhile, Lynette’s storyline was definitely on the lighter side of things. After being woken up in the middle of the night so she could tell Preston (or Porter) where the eggs are (***SPOILER ALERT*** They’re in the refridgerator), she decided to make them an omelet herself. Instead, she found that the twins had a couple of lady friends over. The next morning, Tom and Lynette decided it was time for the twins to strike out on their own, which they did…all the way across the street to Mrs. McCluskey’s house.

At first, Mrs. McCluskey loved her new tenants because the girls they brought around stoked her husband Roy’s fire (double shudder), so she was happy to do their laundry and cook for them. (I don’t totally buy that Mrs. McCluskey would be such a pushover.) Fortunately, Lynette was there to sabotage them by bringing gifting the twins a keg, which led to the inevitable crazy party and their eviction. (I don’t believe they got their security deposit back.)

In the end, Lynette realized that she probably coddled the twins (and probably every one else in her life) by doing all their work for them, instead of letting them learn on their own. It was a realistic ending satisfying, realistic ending for the storyline, even if the twins still have to go and learn to not be such thoroughly useless adults.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is there any hope for Teri Hatcher’s character? What would YOU have Vanessa Williams do on this show? Have we seen the last of Keith? Finally, can you make me a Denver omelet?

Jersey Shore: Crocodilly Tears

Silly me.

When Sammi mercifully left the “Jersey Shore” house at the end of last week’s dramatic/traumatic episode, I foolishly thought she’d be, you know, gone from the show! Even though I’d seen that online promo that revealed she’d eventually return, I thought her recent departure would at least mean that she’d miss an episode or two.

Nope!

Even though she was gone from Seaside Heights, we got a brief scene of her back home and getting support from her mom, who appears to be a thoroughly decent human being (it’s easy to forget those exist if you watch this show for too long). She even had a voice cameo when she and Ronnie had an awkward phone conversation that would make fans of the British “Office” cringe.

Speaking of cringing, that’s what I imagine a lot of people at home were doing due to all the clogged toilets, soiled underwear, constipation and Situational antics featured in this snoozer of an episode, which was the inevitable calm letdown following last week’s thunderous storm. For example, one of the episode’s big, dramatic scenes came when J-Woww and the girls cleaned some of Sammi’s stuff out of her room while Ronnie was at work, followed by Ronnie coming home and…asking where Sammi’s stuff had gone! For some reason, the girls lied and…nothing really came of it! (Dun-Dun, DUNNNN!!!)

In the immediate aftermath of Sammi’s departure, Ronnie was a mess. (Who’s surprised?!) He cried in the bathroom at work (as Snooki impatiently waited for the toilet.) He sent flowers (and chocolate and a balloon and a teddy bear) to Sam as a peace offering. Perhaps worst of all, he got unsolicited advice from Snooki — who accurately told him that he and Sammi did NOT belong together…Ronnie predictably blew her of — and The Situation. Even Ronnie knows that getting relationship advice from The Situation is like learning how to fly a plane from a sailor. I’d say it’s more like getting ballroom dancing advice from The Situation.

Although it’s pretty much impossible for me to feel bad for Ronnie at this point, I did like seeing him somewhat come to Deena’s rescue when she started tearfully, drunkenly melting down about the fact that no one in the house seemed to like her. From the moment she arrived, Deena fit in almost a little too well with the “Shore” house’s freewheeling vibe, so it was interesting to see that she DOES feel a bit of insecurity and pressure about joining a group of people who were already “stars.” Meanwhile, Ronnie seemed to be thinking, “I can’t lose another cast member damnit!” and talked Deena off the ledge. Deena went on to refer to him as a brother — the rageful, abusive brother we all wish we had — which made us almost forget that her main storyline this week was tied to her constipation.

As for The/Dr./Chef/Bang-Your-Gir/Friar Situation: he was back to the full-on creeper mode he demonstrated toward the end of last season. First, he appeared to literally snatch up Pauly D’s ex as Pauly was talking to her, and began dry humping her. Later, as Vinny was hooking up with the girl he brought home, The Situation barged into the room and weirdly force-fed Vinny a pickle and a bite of his burger. This was a MUCH creepier barge-in than Vinny and company coming into Snooki’s room while she was trying to hook up with whats-his-name, the guy who had been an accessory to a cock block a few weeks before. (Come on, Snooki…even I remember that Bernard’s name was Gianni…or something.)

I haven’t even mentioned the part where The Situation ruined Vinny’s prank. Snooki and Deena had started a prank war against VP by smashing some cake into Vinny’s face. Vinny tried to retaliate by putting puppy poop in her pillow, but Deena — actually using her miniscule size to her advantage — was hiding under the bed and put the poop back in Vinny’s bed. That led to Vinny and Pauly kidnapping Snooki’s beloved stuffed crocodile (creatively named Crocodilly) and hanging him off the balcony. As Snooki was desperately searching for him, The Situation told her that he’d seen somebody hang him over the side of the balcony.

Vinny was understandably annoyed and dubbed him “The Snitchuation”, but I’m with Mike…that prank was kind of lame.

So what’d you think of this episode? Who DID that nasty pair of underwear belong to? Do we believe Deena and J-Woww when they said it wasn’t either of them? (At least Pauly got some good one-liners in. He claimed they didn’t belong to Snooki because there was no bronzer on them and they weren’t his because his underwear are red.) Finally, is there anyone out there actually looking forward to Sammi’s return next week?

American Idol: A Stand Up Guy

Last night’s episode of “American Idol” was half as long as Wednesday night’s Group Round extravaganza and only had a fraction of the drama.

However, that’s not the worst thing in the world in what is allegedly still a singing competition. Even better, pretty much all the drama was confined to the stage. (Sorry, but I thought it was pretty easy this year to guess which of the two holding rooms were going to get good news from Randy, J.Lo and Steven by who was in there, so the last 10 minutes were pretty drama-free.)

But that was the end of the episode. Let’s talk about everything that led up to that, in no particular order.

- Obviously, Casey Abrams (pictured, right) was the standout last night with his soulful, stand up bass-assisted, (dare I say?) sexy take on “Georgia on My Mind.” The only negative I can think of is that he doesn’t become Andrew Garcia. Remember when Andrew had that great, acoustic rendition of “Straight Up” and spent the rest of his time on the show trying to live up to it? Here’s hoping Casey didn’t have his Idol “moment” too soon. If I had to guess, I’d like to think that Casey has more tricks up his sleeve.

- For the second straight day, “American Idol” desperately tried to make Jacob Lusk “happen”, and for the second straight day I wasn’t totally buying it. I’m a little more convinced after hearing his MONSTER vocal on “God Bless the Child” last night, but my impression of him is still mainly that he’s a ham sandwich on stage and off. (The sobbing was a bit much last night.)

- I preferred Haley Reinhart’s “God Bless the Child”, who came out STRONG as the first singer last night and set the tone for a strong episode.

- To Adrian Michael: Don’t ever blame the band. Even if you happen to be right, you’re a nobody right now, and there’s just now way for you to look good claiming the band is at fault.

- To Chelsee Oaks: Jacqueline Dunford — who had to quit due to illness — was your best friend in the world? REALLY?! (Good riddance to both of you.)

- Between Thia Megia, Jacee Badeaux, Brent Loewenstern, Lauren Alaina and others, there seem to be quite a few 15 and 16 year olds threatening to crack the semifinals/finals. Last night I was most impressed by Thia, who showed me she wasn’t just an Adele impersonator. I was less impressed by her (as my gf Erica put it) horrible “Paula Poundstone sweater.” I was least impressed by Lauren’s tepid revisiting of “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing.” Right now, she’s more likely to flip out and demand that Steven Tyler claim her as his daughter than she is to win “American Idol.”

- I feel like the show as trying to make up for making Clitn Jun Gamboa look like a bad guy after he booted Jacee Badeaux from his group. Not totally sure it worked. The guy can sing, but it’s usually 1-800-TOO-MUCH

- Speaking of flipping out, the goal nwo is clearly to keep advancing Ashley Sullivan so she can have one of her signature meltdowns on live TV. To be honest, I wouldn’t have known that she screwed “Everything” up if she hadn’t repeatedly stopped and started.

- Two guys took on “My Prerogative” last night. I would’ve liked to have heard more of Chris Medina’s acoustic rendition because I’m still trying to figure out if this guy can actually do some real damage in this competition. Meanwhile, OF COURSE Carson Higgins is an “actor.”

- Scotty McCreery (and that other girl) fumbling the words to “I Hope You Dance” was hilarious, as were the captions the show helpfully put up for us. I guess that’s what happens to Scotty when he has to sing something other than Josh Turner’s “Your Man.”

So what’d you think of this episode? Why do so many people have Georgia on their minds? Did any of your favorites miss the cut last night? Finally, are you looking forward to hearing the idols cover the Beatles (again!)?

Justified: Pregnant Pause

Damn you, plot summary on my cable system.

Here was the description I read as I sat down to watch last night’s episode of “Justified”: “Raylan chases a pregnant fugitive who has fallen into the hands of human trafficke” (That’s not a typo…it cut off the last word.

So as I watched Raylan and fellow marshal Tim Gutterson escort Jamie (guest star Sarah Jones, looking like Emilie de Ravin on “Lost”), their latest charge, to the gynecologist’s office, I knew she would somehow escape. That being said, the waiting room breakout was wonderfully tense, and it showed our hero once again using both his charm and smarts (getting Jess’ print on the handcuff), even as he let his fugitive momentarily get away.

It also meant that the twist involving the helpful former EMT and his more deranged friend intending to sell the Jamie’s baby (white babies mean prime coin) was also slightly spoiled. Thanks for nothing, cable plot summary! (Although there IS a small chance that it’s my own fault for reading the description in the first place.)

Fortunately, the episode’s prisoner of the week plot still delivered plenty of satisfying twist and turns. It turned out that the prisoner had actually been busted out by the prison guard who knocked Jamie up and had hired a couple of guys to kill her. (The men would make some extra coin by selling her baby on the black market.) The guard was actually pretty convincing in his steadfast denial, until Tim revealed that they knew about the many phone calls between he and Jess. (That sound was the prison guard’s wife’s heart breaking…ooh, “Prison Guard’s Wife” sounds like a country song.)

More importantly, the plot allowed Raylan to interact with a colleague at the marshal’s office (that isn’t Art) for the second week in a row. Last week, it was Rachel Brooks, this week it was Jacob Pitts’ Tim Gutterson. And it turns out that Pitts/Gutterson is kind of a badass. I’ll never look at an apricot the same way again.

The rest of the episode did a nice job of advancing and deepening plot threads introduced in the season premiere.

In a quick scene between Raylan, his bastard of a father Arlo, and Raylan’s “Aunt”, it was quickly confirmed that the Bennetts (led by Mags) are likely to step in and fill the crime family void in Harlan. It was also established that they have a bit of a history with the Givens’ men. (But who doesn’t.)

Speaking of which, I just can’t believe Boyd when he says that he’s absolutely stopped going after the Miami cartel after they deprived him of his right to kill his own daddy. I realize that when Boyd claimed he was a righteous man last season, he was telling the truth (in his own twisted way), but I just can’t believe he’d pass up a chance to kill the person who killed his dad. Then again, maybe his tender scene with Ava(?!) in the end suggests he really IS a changed man.

Finally, there’s Winona who gently applied pressure on Raylan to make a commitment to Harlan (and to her) early on for reasons that became clear in the episode’s last scene. That last scene was fantastic in so many ways, chief among them the way Winona encouraged Raylan to open up about his horrific day and her refusal to let her shut him out. (Which, it doesn’t take a genius to guess, is what led to their marriage failing.)

Also, the switch earlier from having Winona wearing Raylan’s shirt to him wearing it in the elevator in the very next shot was sly and sexy.

So what’d you think of this episode? Does Gary have absolutely any chance of getting back with Winona? Have you ever spoiled a TV show for yourself by reading the plot description beforehand? Finally, Winona is pregnant, right?

American Idol: Group Therapy

The Group Round during Hollywood Week on “American Idol” is never short on drama, and last night was no exception.

Since it took almost 45 minutes of group-assembly drama and hotel hallway rehearsals (featuring potentially-meddlesome stage moms), I’m not gonna do you like that and instead jump right into my scattered thoughts on this two-hour extravaganza.

- Why do we even have a group round? (I mean besides, “DUH-RAMA!!!”) I get that the idea is to see which singers stand out in a crowd, but the contestants aren’t really asked to collaborate like this during the competition, except for maybe top 4 week. (And, yes, I’m intentionally excluding those unwatchable performance during results shows because no one should ever bring those up.)

- Is it just me or did Scotty McCreery come off as a bit of a douche last night. Scotty’s deep voice is obviously one of the standouts this season, but the smug way he demanded the groups who were clamoring for his services to try out for him was slightly off-putting. (This dude already thinks he’s somebody!) Also, I didn’t really buy his tears over not standing up for Jacee Badeaux after Jacee’s group booted him. I think he was crying because he realized how badly he came off and was trying to save face.

- Scotty DID confirm something I already suspected: Jacee is the most popular person in this competition.

- As bad as I think Scotty came off, it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as the freakishly-tall Jordan Dorsey, who blew any sort of shot he ever had at winning viewer votes by acting like an egotistical moron the entire night. Apparently, no one was good enough for his group, until one guy was…and then he decided to ditch them anyway. The thing of it is that Jordan’s new group (“I Want You Back”) wasn’t noticeably better (or any better) than his old “Forget You” group.

- If not for Jordan, then Clint Jun Gamboa would’ve definitely been Public Enemy #1 for leading the ousting of Jacee. I think Clint is still a really good singer, so he might win some people over with his talent, but last night he didn’t come off well at all. (Even if I ultimately sort of agreed that Jacee didn’t exactly fit into what his group ended up doing.)

- Clint should probably ditch the stupid white plastic glasses.

- It’s good that the judges announced they were considering past performance, because Jacee didn’t know his new group’s son, “Mercy” (and why would he?), and it would’ve been a shame to see him go out like that.

- Statistics show that if you flirt with Steven Tyler during a group performance of “Some Kind of Wonderful”, you have a 25 percent chance of advancing to the next round. Congrats, Lauren Alaina. Goodbye, other girls who I didn’t think were bad at all.

- Unlike the previous Hollywood Week episode, this one gave us some potential breakouts we’ve never seen before. I’m not even talking about Jacob Lusk, who Seacrest anointed a “new star” in his narration. I’m actually looking forward to hearing more from the members of The Minors — Deandre Brackensick, Sarina-Joi Crowe, Keonna Evans, Jalen Harris, Felix Ramsey — who had REALLY strong harmonies and blew away Deep V in their “Somebody to Love” showdown. I’m not looking forward to hearing more from their stage moms.

- Then again, I’m pretty sure The Minors’ stage moms could’ve done a better job with “Somebody to Love” than Deep V did. It seems like they only picked that song so that the increasingly desperate James Durbin could wail away while Freddie Mercury rolled in his grave. It was TERRIBLE.

- Seems like it’s better to go early. There’s no comparison or measuring stick for the judges and expectations are naturally on the low side. That’s my way of saying the first group — Alessandra Guerico, Pia Toscano, and Brielle Von Hugel — were ok, but nothing special. (Pia was the best, and I would’ve booted Brielle.)

- In a shocking turn of events, no one wanted to work with Tiffany “Starboobs” Rio, who ended up overwhelming her partner. (R.I.P. Jessica Yantz’s shot at being the next “American Idol.”)

- “I love hot people.” – Starboobs (Who doesn’t?)

- Goodbye Paris Tassin (who was more memorable for her daughter’s hearing aid), Emily Anne Reed (I liked your weird voice), Janelle Arthur (had a great first audition, but apparently tailed off) and Gutierrez brother. (Does it really matter which one?)

- Yes, Giovanni Ribisi clone Rob Bolin was in an uncomfortable awkward situation (he doesn’t dance, he has to work with his ex Chelsee Oaks AND a Stepford Wife-in-training Jacqueline Dunford), but I really got tired of his whining yesterday. At least he went down in a delirious blaze of glory, blanking on the words to “Forget You” and making up his own.

- How in the hell did Jacqueline Dunford make it through? Her performance was thoroughly unpleasant!

- I used to think that Ashley Sullivan (pictured, far right) was just crazy, but it turns out that she’s a crazy quitter. Then again, her group mates REALLY seemed to like her, so maybe there’s something there.

- Either way, Ashley’s group delivered the night’s best performance with their strong, entertaining take on “Hit ‘Em Up Style.” (You can tell each of them were digging what they were doing.)

- To the guy who wrote the lyrics on his hand: REALLY?! (But also, is that explicitly not allowed? I guess so!)

- Hollie Cavanaugh impressed me again…but I have no idea why Corey Levoy made it through. (And neither did he.) Corey was singing to the back of the stage and only occasionally into the microphone.

- Carson Higgins of 4 Non-Blondes and That Guy is potentially insane (definitely some crazy eye), but damn it, I like him.

So what’d you think of this episode? What was more disgusting — the way Jordan Dorsey acted or that noodle-nose trick? Finally, if you had a group at Hollywood Week, what would you call it? (It’s easy to make fun of the stupid names last night, but it’s hard to come up with something better.)

Glee: Sue-icidal Tendencies

Whether you want to admit it or not, everyone’s had a “Justin Bieber.” (Or they have one right now.)

I’m not even specifically talking about the pre-pubescent heartthrob(s) or sexy female pop tart of your day. I’m saying that every single person out there has had a super-duper mainstream music obsession that they’ve mostly enjoyed in secret out of fear of being ridiculed.

In that regard, Bieber and “Glee” appear to have a lot in common, now that the show has gone from underdog to bona fide hit and most of the popular kids in Hollywood are falling all over themselves trying to jump on the bandwagon.

Well last night Bieber (mostly) collided with “Glee”, and the result was a thoroughly uneven episode in what is a clearly a thoroughly uneven show.

Given that the Biebs (or the Biebster, or whichever one of the dozen or so nicknames you want to call him) sort of drove the plot of last night’s episode, you’d expect this to be another of those patented theme episodes that usually end up being more painful than usual. The problem is that Biebmeister’s musical catalog isn’t exactly deep enough to provide the soundtrack to an entire episode.

So while Justin Bieber inspired Sam to start a one-man tribute band in an effort to get his mojo (and Quinn) back (and eventually inspired Artie, Mike and Puck to do the same), everything having to do with the Bieberino pretty much fell by the wayside by the second half of the episode. Oh well.

(It’s slightly depressing that I have to point this out but) I was impressed that the show actually followed through on pretty much all of last week’s plot strands.

Quinn had somehow convinced Sam that she’d caught mono from Finn after saving Finn from a life-threatening gumball. Of course, it helped that Sam is kind of an idiot. Meanwhile, Santana (who we saw share a smile with Sam at the end of last week’s ep) officially offered her services as a mistress and helped Sam see the truth, which led Sam to dump Quinn. I hadn’t really been invested in Sam and Quinn as a couple because I didn’t really see a spark or anything that they had in common (other than being pretty and blonde). However, when she told him that she was turned on by how unabashedly he owned his Bieber persona, I bought it. Now I suppose Quinn’s free to date noted Bieber-hater Finn. (And I’ll be free to NOT see any more commercials for “I Am Number Four”, which co-stars Dianna Agron and comes out this weekend.)

Anyway, Sam is now with Santana (that won’t last — I’m guessing she’s much better at being a mistress than she is at being a girlfriend), while Puck continued his pursuit of Lauren. The tough gal hasn’t quite cracked yet, but she definitely softened, especially when she asked Puck for advice before her first glee performance. (More on that later.) As unlikely as this storyline is, I like that the writers are actually taking their time and letting it breathe.

I feel like I should’ve been more amused by the Brittany trying to help Rachel regain her social status than I was. I like Brittany a lot, and I’m a Lea Michele apologist. Maybe I didn’t dig it because Rachel didn’t really have a high social status to begin with, so it made absolutely no sense for her to make a “comeback.” Either way, I was actually more amused by the legwarmers-as-armwarmers than I was by the all the girls busting out their sexy schoolgirl/librarian chic.

Finally there’s Sue, who pitted Rachel and Mercedes against each other in an attempt to destroy the glee cl…’e90pearkl;amvafd;akfdaf. Sorry, that was me falling asleep on my keyboard after describing Sue’s umpteenth attempt to bring Mr. Schue and Co. down.

To me, it was infinitely more interesting when it looked like Sue was legitimately depressed, leading Emma to suggest that she temporarily join the glee club. Instead, she was mean for a while, until she was kind of nice…but not really. By the end of the hour, she’d signed on to coach Aural Intensity, one of New Directions’ rivals at Regionals.

Before that, I have to talk about the scene with Will and Sue at the pediatric hospital. Was it manipulative? Almost definitely. Did it even look like Jane Lynch was playing Sue Sylvester? Not to me. Even with all that, the scene worked for me because (corny alert!) it celebrated the impact music can have on people’s lives. And that’s what the show used to be about before it turned into an exploration of gay/bullied teens and a fun side job for Gwyneth Paltrow.

Speaking of music, let’s break down last night’s musical performances:

“Baby”…B+: I liked the boy band-tastic Chord Overstreet brought to the table, but mostly it was interesting to hear a Bieber songs performed by someone who sounds like a man. (Or at least someone whose voice has changed.) As Quinn pointed out, Sam/Overstreet owned this so much that he won me over.

“Somebody to Love”…B-: Kevin McHale’s voice sounded pretty good, but this was mostly another one of the show’s recreations of an existing video (like in the Madonna episode). To me, it was played too straight and lacked the goofy charms of “Baby.” Also, where did Puck’s Bieber wig go when he was performing on stage?

“Take Me Or Leave Me”…B: A “Rent” number! Right in my wheelhouse. It was a kick to see Lea Michele once again sing a song originally performed by Idina Menzel (since I am convinced Lea Michele is really a time traveling Idina Menzel) and it was also cool to hear the vivacious Amber Riley take on Fredi Walker’s part. However, I feel like Rachel and Mercedes didn’t really go AT each other in this diva-off. All their emotion and mugging was saved for the other members of glee club. So, even though they sounded fantastic, it was kind of a letdown. For the record, Mercedes won.

“I Know What Boys Like”…C-: Meh. Not really much of a musical number to speak of, so it's kind of hard to judge. The best part was what each character’s underwear looked like. The runner up was Sue pointing out that no one in glee club apparently knows what an "anthem" is.

“Sing”…B-: It’s a cool number, but Rachel’s absolutely right — what we saw last night is NOT good enough to win Regionals. I’m just not sure that an original song that no one knows is the answer either. Really, the standout moment of the musical performance for me was Sue’s plaid tracksuit.

So what’d you think of this episode? Had anyone else forgotten that Mr. Schuester is allegedly a Spanish teacher? Did you miss Kurt and/or Blaine this week? (I’m ok with them skipping an episode, rather than the show giving us an awkward scene at the Dalton Academy that doesn’t have anything to do with anything.) Finally, have you ever been too depressed to open a pamphlet?

Desperate Housewives: What They Do For Their Kids

I just don’t know where any of this is going.

To say that most of the storylines on “Desperate Housewives” have taken unpredictable turns is an understatement. Unfortunately, I don’t mean that in a good, “I’m excited to be surprised” kind of way.

What I mean is that I don’t see how the situations involving Bree, Susan and Gabby can possibly end in a satisfying (or even funny) way. (And I haven’t even mentioned the fact that the writers don’t seem to know what to do with Vanessa Williams’ Renee other than having the character provide a burst of bitch every once in a while.)

I’m perfectly aware the show has dramatic elements and that it’s basically a nighttime soap, but let’s not pretend that, at its heart, it’s anything other than a comedy.

Ok, never mind having the storylines end in a satisfying or funny way…can we at least have Susan’s kidney drama just END?!

I mean, here are the options for this storyline as I see them: Susan stays on the donor list for a few years — which is actually a relatively realistic scenario — but I don’t believe the show’s writers (or ANY show’s writers) can make dialysis funny. (I also don’t trust them to realistically and respectfully portray a person living with that condition.) The other option is a quick fix that has a kidney practically drop on Susan’s doorstep.

That’s why I was kind of hoping Susan would take Monroe the High School Stalker up on his offer.

Dave Foley played Monroe, an old friend of Susan’s from high school, and it was pretty clear as soon as he volunteered to give her his kidney that he wasn’t doing it out of the goodness of his heart. After a creepy hug and a shrine — featuring locks of hair, a retainer and an ill-gotten bikini pic — Susan was direct with Monroe and told him that she couldn’t accept any of his organs if he expected her affection in return. Maybe he wouldn’t been happy with Susan just accepting one of his dozen Facebook friend requests.

Then there’s Bree. Last time out I predicted that her hiding the existence of Keith’s son Charlie from him would be the end of that relationship.

Last night, Bree came clean to Keith after watching him bond with Charlie at an arcade where Bree was attempting to pay off Keith’s ex, Amber. We didn’t get to see the immediate fallout of Bree keeping Keith’s son a secret or if he has any feelings for Amber. Either way, it just seems that Bree and Keith are only together so that the writers can invent ways to try and tear them apart. (Her ex, his dad, their different tastes in food, etc.) Either break them up or at least give them a legitimate shot as a couple for at least a few episodes!

As for Gabby…well last night, we got a little more insight into why she became so fixated on Grace. Early on, she tried to sabotage her own therapy session by asking for wine and bragging about her misadventures with various members of the Rolling Stones. It was all so she could avoid talking about her childhood. After Carlos found out she was getting massage therapy when she was supposed to be seeing a psychologist, he gave her a couple of spanks and made her go. (I’ll admit to laughing out loud when she tried to sneak out the fire escape and he was standing there, even if the background looked hilariously fake.)

It was there that she admitted to him that she had been avoiding talking about how she was molested as a child by her stepfather. Ever since, she’s had a heightened desire to protect children, which explains her obsession with Grace. (Unfortunately, it doesn’t explain why she’s often a crappy mom to Juanita and Celia, but whatever.) Most importantly, child molestation is right up there with dialysis in bringing the laugh party to a screeching halt, so I’m not really sure why the writers would even go there.

At least they decided to have a little bit of fun with Lynette, who is usually the stick in the mud of the group. Her hilariously obnoxious/racist/sexist father-in-law Frank was back and as cantankerous as ever. He was demanding a family portrait so that he could rub it in his previous families’ faces. (Especially the ex-wife who stares angrily from across the cafeteria.) Unfortunately, he died as soon as Tom took the picture. Of course, the Scavos had to wait until the next day so that Lynette’s mom Stella could claim the inheritance.

I laughed at Penny asking if the house was going to be haunted, and I also laughed at Lynette messing with a jumpy Tom. What I didn’t fully understand is that last week Stella claimed she wasn’t ONLY marrying Frank for his money, and that she appreciated his companionship since Lynette wasn’t always around. This week, Stella was all about the money. More alarmingly, she began throwing so much of it around and blackmailing her family to the point where it looks like she was going to become just like Frank. Oh well. At least I can see this storyline going somewhere.

Finally, there’s Paul Young, who was looking for his “son” Zach to confront him about the fact that Zach shot him. Paul went to Mike (Zach’s biological dad) for help, but Mike lied and told him that he didn’t know where Zach was. It wasn’t until he saw Zach — who’d blown all his grandfather’s money and become a drug addict — that he enlisted Paul’s help to save the boy.

This would all be incredibly touching and interesting if I cared about Zach Young…even a little bit. But that’s just me. Sorry.

So what’d you think of this episode? When did Dave Foley get so fat? (He was so thin on “Newsradio”…and as a woman during his “Kids in the Hall” run.) Was Mike too busy helping Zach to help Susan deal with her stalker? (Or at least be present to help discourage the guy.) Finally, am I being too hard on this show, or has this season taken a turn for the worse ever since the riot?