America's Next Top Recap: Super Smize Me

So basically last night’s episode of “America’s Next Top Model” was Tyra’s aggressive attempt to introduce “smize” into the pop culture lexicon. (And maybe, eventually, the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Of course, the concept of “smiling with your eyes” is nothing new to long-time “Top Model” fans (a group which I’m only MOSTLY ashamed to admit belonging to). I’ve always enjoyed Tyra’s impromptu lessons on “smiling with your eyes” (I am NOT helping Tyra and Co. make “smizing” a thing) because I always understood and saw what the Mistress of Crazy was talking about. As a result, I enjoyed tonight’s peek behind the curtain of what makes for a good eye-smile.

I wonder what doe-eyed Rachel’s eye-smile would’ve looked like.

We never got to find out because she was cut about 10 minutes into the episode following an impromptu meet-and-greet with noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker (though not noted by Lulu who couldn’t name a single fashion photographer) and Sean Patterson, head of the Wilhemina modeling agency. What the girls thought was the week’s challenge — impress Nigel and Sean in a mini job interview – turned into a cruel cut for the former Wal-Mart casher. The girl completely blanked out when the guys asked her to sing something the same way most people blank out when they’re asked to “say something funny.” (Or the way I used to blank out when people would find out that I’m Hispanic, and ask me to say something Spanish – eventually, I came up with a prepared answer.)

After recovering from the shock of Rachel’s elimination, the girls met up with a French-accented photographer who looked like Dustin Diamond (the way he looks now, not as Screech) who was SUCH a bad actor that it was obvious Tyra was going to be coming around the corner. Lo and behold, Enter the Crazy. She came in at first as a meek wannabe model before revealing herself to be Super Smize (pictured, right) and vanquishing the bad actor/fake photographer. I loved that even some of the usually-adoring girls couldn't hide the WTF look on their faces. As stupid as this was, I have to say I enjoyed Super Smize more than I did “My Super Ex-Girlfriend.”

What I enjoyed more was Tyra’s hands-on lesson to the girls. I think sometimes we forget that most of these girls have no idea what they’re doing in terms of being real models, so to watch Tyra teach them so effectively was kind of a treat. It actually gave Tyra a decent amount of credibility, despite the surprisingly low-rent superheroine costume she was wearing. Apparently, the trick to smiling with your eyes is putting your hand on your stomach and thinking of something you really want. And the list of things that inspire these girls includes sheet cake, noodles and pepperoni pizza.

Much less effective was the subsequent duels in the "Fortress of Fierceness" (ugh) to see who had the best smize while wearing outfits that covered everything but their eyes. Though this was unintentionally hilarious, the winners seemed like they were picked almost at random and the whole thing was stupid. Either way, the winning team got to have dinner (that nobody touched) with Patterson, while the losers had to do the dishes.

Speaking of dishes (SEGUE WAY), a dirty dish into a steaming dishwasher provided the only source of “drama” in the house this week. Bianca accidentally put a dirty plate in with a clean load (which we’ve all done), got called out for it and had a Bianca-fit. (I would’ve said “bitch-fit”, but I don’t like to curse.) Seriously, she’s awful.

The week’s photo shoot involved the models posing with topless (?!) with jockeys - short people, unite!

My favorite of the bunch was Brittany, who I thought was the CLEAR winner over Erin (the actual winner) and the rest of girls. I also kinda liked Lulu and didn’t mind at all that Rae’s was a little Madonna. The fact that Ashley’s best photo was a test shot that featured a (photoshopped) crew member in the background was pretty funny.

The pictures I didn’t care for were Jennifer (I wish she hadn’t told us about her ptosis – now all I see is that eye of hers), Courtney (just a lazy, photo shoot that she admitted to mailing in because she hated being forced to wear her walking boot) and Bianca (she’s simply the worst person – and not even a very good model to make up for it).

The bottom two was comprised of Bianca and Courtney, with Courtney getting the (walking) boot for her uninspired photograph. Bianca’s wasn’t as bad, but, with that angry mouth, it wasn’t exactly good either. Then again, we all know Tyra and Co. aren’t exactly against keeping people around to stir the pot in the house and, judging from next week’s previews, that’s precisely what Bianca is about to do.

Goodbye, Courtney. I'm not mad at you for getting eliminated - and making my Ridiculously Early Pick to Win It All fail spectacularly - because I don't think you deserved to go home. I actually yelled out, "No!" when Tyra revealed that Bianca was staying.

So what’d you think of this episode? What’s your preferred way of spelling “smize”? (I’ll admit the inexplicable “z” gives it a zing. I’ve also seen “smeyes”, but I think “smiyes” looks better and is simply most right – well, as “most right” as a made-up word can be.) I realize I’m no fashion maven, but was there any reason AT ALL for the women to be topless during the photo shoot? (At least we now know that Laura “just likes nudity” – alrighty then.) Could guest judge Lauren Conrad have been less of a factor? Finally, how long until Bianca stops making “good TV” and gets the hell out of our Wednesday nights forever?

Melrose Place Review

The new “Melrose Place” is not good.

Of course, you and I knew that would be the case before the pilot debuted last week.

I never watched the original 1990’s version of the trash-tastic nighttime soap opera, but I don’t think you had to be a devoted fan to know that it wasn’t exactly “The West Wing” in terms of quality or respectability.

And I imagine that’s part of the reason why people loved it!

Unfortunately, though the original “Melrose’s” brand mix of crazy and (intentional?) bad acting was fresh and probably a little startling a decade ago, the new version’s attempt to recreate this vibe ends up being its major downfall. Manufactured, factory-created is not as interesting as honest, holy s--- craziness. Too much has happened on TV over the past decade, so a show REALLY has to come strong if they want to “shock” us on a consistent basis.

For example, Katie Cassidy’s publicist character Ella wants to be the new Heather Locklear (nevermind the fact that Locklear wasn’t part of the original cast) so bad she can taste it. She can also taste that anonymous girl she made out with at the end of the pilot to show us how “wild” she is. That being said, Cassidy actually gave one of the better performances in the pilot.

More dismaying than the pained reaches for edginess, the show (and I admit that judging a show by its pilot is not completely fair) is fairly predictable. As soon as med school student Lauren (Stephanie Jacobsen) was offered $5,000 to sleep with a successful director, we knew she’d waffle before eventually doing it. Not just because her dad lost his job due to the economy (ooh, timely) and could no longer support her, but because it could potentially lead to a season-long moonlighting gig as an escort. (Ok, so this might actually turn out to be interesting.)

The central mystery of the pilot (and it seems the season) is who killed longtime resident Sydney (original cast member Laura Leighton). As I mentioned, I didn’t watch the original Melrose, so I had no attachment to Sydney either way, but I enjoyed Leighton’s brief, subtly campy performance, and I’m glad we’ll be apparently seeing more of her in flashbacks. Leighton and fellow original cast member Thomas Calabro look like Meryl Streep and Robert DeNiro compared to the rest of the cast. (They’re pros.)

Much of the pilot also focused on wannabe filmmaker Jonah (Michael Rady), who proposed to his hesitant girlfriend Riley (Jessica Lucas) and appears to be the object of Ella’s affection. The character may be ridiculously goody-goody (well, maybe not for long on this show) and a shade or two on the boring side, but Rady has a charm that serves the show well.

In the end, I actually enjoyed this pilot more than I did last year’s “Beverly Hills 90210” pilot. The producers have found a smart way of centering the show around the new cast, while making the participation of old cast members like Leighton integral to the show. The new Melrose is also smart enough to deliver plenty of shirtless and cleavage shots for its audience.

Hopefully, it’ll also be smart enough to eventually strike out as a unique enterprise. As of right now, the show has laughably bad acting and plots, and a mystery to tide us over for the time being (even though it’s pretty obvious that Ashlee Simpson-Wentz is the killer).

In other words, it’s a guilty pleasure with plenty of room for improvement.

Melrose Place…C+

District 9 Review

Every action movie director in Hollywood should be ashamed of him(or her)self.

That’s the thought that repeatedly jumped into my head as I watched what Neill Blomkamp did when he was given a “mere” $30 million to create his action-spectacle “District 9.”

In case you haven’t heard, “District 9” is produced by “Lord of the Rings” maestro Peter Jackson and based on one of Blomkamp’s own short films. It imagines a world in which extraterrestrials – derisively referred to as “prawns” – have made contact with humans in South Africa, where they’ve been forced to live in the slum-like, segregated area known as District 9.

The movie follows the genial, buffoonish government employee Wikus Van De Merwe (Sharlto Copley) as he leads the effort to move the prawns from District 9 into the even more oppressive District 10. Unfortunately, things don’t go as planned, and that’s all you’re going to get out of me (in case you haven’t seen this remarkable movie yet).

Going into the movie, I expected it to be mostly a sharp apartheid parable – and it certainly makes that point in the first section of the film – in which humans turn out to be the real monsters, with a few moments of cool, clever action sprinkled in because of the modest budget. (Quality over quantity.) I was a little shocked at how much of a balls-to-the-wall shoot-em-up action flick this turns out to be. (Quality AND Quantity.)

I’m not going to give anything away, but the last 30 minutes are as exciting and action-packed as you’re likely to see this year. Blomkamp and his team employ visual effects that actually look like they could exist in this world, making it easier for us to get lost in and care about what happens on screen.

A big reason I care about what happens on screen is Copley’s fantastic, vanity-free performance. The novice actor (in his feature-film debut) makes Wikus someone we laugh at, someone we laugh with and ultimately someone we really feel for, which is key since we pretty much spend the entire movie with him.

Then again, the fact that we spend almost all our time with Wikus precludes us from getting to know any of the other characters which kind of lowers the stakes a bit for the relationship between Wikus and his wife, for example, and makes the bad guys a little too cartoonishly bad. We also don’t get to know too much about lead alien Christopher Johnson, other than his devotion to his son, and his desire to return to his home planet.

Still, this is a minor complaint in a movie that gets so much right. Blomkamp effectively employs an urgent documentary style at the beginning of the movie, which quickly and efficiently introduces the world of “District 9.”

Once things REALLY get going, and Wikus is on the run, all that happens is that “District 9” becomes what will probably end up being the best action movie of the year.

District 9…A-

Conflict of Interest: Brandon Marshall edition

I guess you could say it’s been an interesting offseason for Brandon Marshall.

If you follow football, I’m sure you’ve heard about all of it, so I won’t bore you with that. Instead, I’ll bore you with my fantasy football teams!

He’s my first conflict of interest. For the newbies, here’s how it works. Whenever I have a conflict on my two fantasy football teams, I’ll come on here, fret about it and put up the numbers I hope the player posts. Marshall is the first player this season I own in one league, who I’m facing off against in the other.

The Thursday night Titans/Steelers game threw in an interesting wrinkle. In the league where I own Marshall, I’m pretty much 30 points behind because my opponent has Santonio Holmes (who went crazy on Thursday). Meanwhile, in the league where I’m facing Marshall, I have a decent lead already thanks to different scoring rules (my opponent there also has Holmes, but he only earned 12 points from him, as opposed to 25 in the other league) and my Tennessee defense getting me a nice amount of points for me.

As a result, I’d like to see Marshall have a relatively big game so I can catch up in the league where I’m behind. I think this is a possibility because he’s playing the Bengals and he seems relatively sane. For now.

Dream statline: 8 catches for 115 yards and a TD.

NFL 2009 Week 1 picks

So much for the Titans not being able to stop the Steelers from running the ball.

In my Thursday night football pick, I predicted that Pittsburgh would run the ball up and down the field against the Titans, who lost star DT Albert Haynesworth (and defensive coordinator Jim Schwartz) in the offseason. Well, the Steelers ran the ball for a grand total of 36 yards in 23 carries. If you don’t have a calculator handy, that averages out to 1.HORRIBLE yards per carry. (Let’s pause for a second to acknowledge the Steelers themselves for being completely pathetic at running the ball.) Oh well, at least I got the winning team right.

But enough about the past. Let’s look to the future and the first full weekend slate of football in the 2009 regular season. Last year, my picks averaged out to about a 10-6 record. That’s solid. That would probably get me a wild card spot and might even win me a (weak) division. This year, expect more of the same – a decent record, and plenty of foolish statements. (My picks to win will be in bold.)

MIAMI @ ATLANTA
This is a matchup between the two teams who wildly overachieved last season. Since I’m a big believer in the “they’re not sneaking up on anyone” factor, I think they’ll both falter this year. I think Atlanta will slightly falter more (they’re defense is secretly REALLY bad.)

DENVER @CINCINNATI
I don’t know if you’ve heard, but it’s been kind of a rough offseason for the Broncos. However, I actually think they’ll be pretty good. Everyone’s complaining about how they traded away QB Jay Cutler, but the guy had a losing record as a starting QB (and he really revealed himself to be a certified baby). They have a talented new coach (who could probably work on his people skills) and they open the season against the Bengals (the Bengals ARE still the Bengals).

MINNESOTA @ CLEVELAND
Am I really going to pick three straight road teams to start this thing off? Yes I am. Minnesota will try to break in a new quarterback, but I think he’ll be fine.

JACKSONVILLE @ INDIANAPOLIS
I don’t know why, but I think the Jags will be sneaky good (for the first part of the season) and I think the Colts will be kinda bad (for the first part of the season) leading to a bunch of stories about how the loss of Tony Dungy, Marvin Harrison, etc. could lead to the end of the Colts era as a successful team. Then they’ll turn it around and go to the playoffs like they always do.

DETROIT @ NEW ORLEANS
Well a home team HAS to win one of these games, so I’ll step out on a limb with this one.

DALLAS @ TAMPA BAY
True confession time: part of the reason I didn’t do an NFL preview is because it looks like the Bucs are going to have a miserable season and the NFC South preview would’ve been depressing.. I like new coach Raheem Morris (pictured, right, smiling...for now), and I kinda like the fact that we’re blowing things up and trying to start something new, but so far there’s been little indication that anyone knows what the hell they’re doing. I hope I’m wrong.

PHILADELPHIA @ CAROLINA
People are a little too excited about Philadelphia coming into this season, while I feel Carolina is a little underrated. Still, I’ll go with the Eagles because I believe Panthers QB Jake Delhomme will be brutal this season until I see evidence stating otherwise.

KANSAS CITY @ BALTIMORE
Whether new Chiefs QB Matt Cassel plays or not – this is going to be ugly.

N.Y JETS @ HOUSTON
It’s not so much that I like a rookie QB on the road, it’s just that I feel too many people are picking Houston as their sleeper, thereby disqualifying the Texans from true sleeper status (and burdening them with expectations they’re not ready to handle). It’s what happened to the Cardinals when they were still excited about Matt Leinart as their quarterback. If you’re looking for a real sleeper…

SAN FRANCISCO @ ARIZONA
…how about my 49ers? They’re my sleeper pick to go to the playoffs. I love their coach, they have a good running back that they’re committed to feeding, and their quarterback (Shaun Hill) is better than you think. On the other hand, Arizona will likely suffer the Super Bowl loser curse and there’s no way Kurt Warner will finish this season healthy, right?

WASHINGTON @ N.Y. GIANTS
The Giants still have an excellent defense, while the Redskins offense is still a little too anemic for my taste.

ST. LOUIS @ SEATTLE
Seattle will be better this year, but, more importantly, St. Louis will still be terrible.

CHICAGO @ GREEN BAY
I REALLY like this Sunday Night Football game, and I think it’ll be a shootout. I’ll give the Packers the edge at home until I see what Jay Cutler can actually do with his new team.

BUFFALO @ NEW ENGLAND
Welcome to the first installment of “Do I really have to dignify this with an answer?”

SAN DIEGO @ OAKLAND
And welcome back to “Do I really have to dignify this with an answer?” Boy, it didn’t take long for me to bring back this feature.

Project Runway: Model Employers

I didn’t think it was TOO unreasonable to expect that professional models would mostly have a decent-to-good understanding of fashion and design.

Then I watched last night’s episode of “Project Runway.”

In case you missed it (and if so, why would you be reading a seventh-rate recap of an episode you haven’t seen yet), Heidi turned the tables on the designers by having them work for the models (of the runway), this week’s secret clients. (I guess no B-list actress was available to make an appearance this week). If the show REALLY wanted to turn the tables, they would have the models design outfits for the designers, who would then have to model them down the runway. (Would that be pointless? Yes. Would I watch that? YES!)

Anyway, I actually thought this was one of the more interesting episodes to watch for a variety of reasons. For example, the models are no longer the complete blank slates they were in previous seasons thanks to “Models of the Runway.” (We can all agree that Fatma is the villain, right?) Also, we’ve seen that some of the models have actually become attached to their designers – in no small part due to the fact that their fates in the competition are often intertwined – so watching the collaboration gave the episode a slight kick.

Most importantly, the episode – more than any other this season – taught us something about most of the designers in the competition. (And might’ve taught the designers something about themselves.) It taught us who was strong and confident in his or her abilities, and who may not be entirely ready to win the whole thing. (It also taught us who is snarkier than the average bear.)

As I mentioned earlier, the models mostly either had no idea what they wanted or didn’t know how to articulate it, so phrases like “royal blue and gold satin jumpsuit” and “punk cocktail tiger” started flying around. It seemed like the designers could either try to unequivocally please their clients (like Logan), or stand their ground and make an outfit they believe in (like Louise, who stopped Fatma from wearing a garish red, and Shirin, who wisely killed the jumpsuit idea).

Epperson, who got a healthy amount of screen time last night, also fell in the latter camp. He couldn’t find a satisfactory orange for his model, and instead decided to create a (too?) short, sexy dress that seemed to capture the spirit of what his model wanted. He also got a chance to have a teary conversation with his family. This exchange was touching, but (call me cold-blooded) I’ve never understood how otherwise reasonable adults become puddles of tears when they leave their family for a few weeks to compete on a reality show. I get it, I’d miss my family too, but I’d like to think I’d be able to keep it together – for a minute there, I really thought Epperson was going to quit.

I especially thought he might walk away given that this was his second tumultuous week in a row, following his uncomfortably-frosty partnership with Qristyl last week. Unfortunately, it turns out that Qristyl was the one who never really recovered from that debacle.

If you remember, Qristyl ended up being criticized for not being a strong leader and not standing up to Epperson’s constant critiques. This week, her confidence seemed TOTALLY shaken. She scrapped her first design after Tim Gunn said it reminded him of someone rolling around in bed. After that, she decided to enroll in the Mitchell School of Playing it Safe with a black dress. Hmm, I wonder where Mitchell ended up by “playing it safe?”

As a result, Qristyl was a lock for the bottom three, where she was joined by Logan (why would you experiment with something you’ve never worked with before – lace, in his case – on national TV?), and Johnny. Johnny’s purple dress got slammed for being bridesmaid-y. I thought it made his model look slightly chunky, while Heidi thought it made her look 10-15 year older, which we now know is like dog years in the modeling world.

Johnny lives to design another day because Qristyl was pretty much a lock to go home as soon as she deserved to play it safe during a challenge in which she was tasked to create a look that would stand out. There was also no way Logan was going home because guest judge Jennifer Rade CLEARLY wants to keep him and his silver pants around for a while longer. (“You’re cute, and I like your pants.”) The editors would probably like to keep him around a while longer, as long as they can get more shirtless footage to work into the episodes.

Speaking of guest judges, where the hell are Nina and Michael? I’m not just asking because I miss their patented brand of knowledge, wit and bitchiness, but because last night’s guest judges were particularly beastly. Marc Bouwer reminded me of a poor man’s Steve Cojocaru (it's probably the other way around), Zoe Glassner was generally blah, and Jennifer Rade may have been the meanest person ever to serve as a guest judge on this show (she SOUNDED as mean as Lindsay Lohan LOOKED). When Qristyl’s model Valerie tried to defend her designer by saying that she liked her dress, Rade responded with “I guess that’s why Valerie’s not a designer. (Pause) Right? (Even more devastating pause.) Thank God.”

Even more egregiously, I think Rade and Glassner singlehandedly swung last night’s winner.

The top 3 ended up being Epperson, Carol Hannah (pictured, left, with her model) and Althea. (I also really liked Nicolas and Louise's dresses. The latter showed that you CAN use black and make it interesting.) I thought Carol Hannah’s beautiful design was the clear winner. There were some interesting design elements going on, it was sophisticated and sexy. Althea’s three-piece outfit was impressive and ambitious, but I feel like the main reason it won was because Rade and Glassner (and Heidi to a lesser extent) picked the outfit they wanted for themselves, rather than the design that was objectively better. Credit should also go to the model for completely selling the outfit. Oh well.

So what’d you think of this episode? Who are you liking as this season’s bad guy? (The nominees include the increasingly-odd and off-putting Nicolas, who called Epperson’s dress a rag, and new contender Irina, who slammed Althea’s winning design six different ways and suggested she staple it together – shows what she knows.) Finally, do you like the new faces on the judging panel or do also you want Michael and Nina back? (The fact that Michael, Nina, and Heidi have only been together once this season is kind of terrible.)

America's Next Top Recap: Baby Steps

Do we REALLY want our favorite reality shows to change? Of course, we don’t.

We complain when producers make cosmetic changes — like moving “Project Runway” from New York to L.A. (and from Bravo to Lifetime) or adding Ellen DeGeneres to “American Idol” — and we give those long-running shows a much-needed shot in the arm in the publicity/buzz department. Eventually, we tune in to see how different our favorite shows will be, only to find that they’re almost exactly the same, except for the fact that Tim Gunn got to wear flip flops in one episode.

Don’t get me wrong — no one wants to see the exact same thing for 10 straight years/cycles, and pretty much every show has weaknesses it could improve upon. Still, we’re strangely happy when things are kind of the same (after we get over being slightly mad that they’re not as different as we were promised).

And so it is with “America’s Next Top Model.” In case you didn’t hear (of course you heard), this year’s cycle exclusively features women 5’7”and under and is unofficially known as “America’s Next Top Petite Model.” (Though Tyra herself seemed to tire of adding the “petite” by the end of the first hour.) Not surprisingly, the show is pretty much exactly the same, (other than seemingly forcing the short women to wear flats to make them look even shorter), and Tyra is still bat s--- crazy in the most delightfully entertaining way.

Last night’s two-hour premiere featured one of those one-hour casting specials that I find particularly pointless because the list of 14 girls in the running to become “America’s Next Top (Petite?) Model” has been widely available on the Internet for some time, killing some of the drama.

Then again, it’s not like I memorized the list, so some of the cuts surprised me (I thought sporty Ciara was a lock, if only so the judges could wonder if she was too sporty). Additionally, we got to revel in plenty of craziness from Tyra herself (sauntering out to the runway and whipping out an awesomely bad French accent) and the aspiring models.

We had not one, but TWO, girls (Kara and Laura) who castrated farm animals. We had a girl (Courtney) walking down the runway in crutches. Tyra tried to make a girl (Rae) cry by randomly asking her to recount the time she was abducted and assaulted. The silver medal for craziness, however, goes to Nicole, aka Bloody Eyeball. She claimed she felt “more mature” than the other girls in a monotone that she’ll be apparently using all season. The reason she gets the silver is because her “craziness” seemed manufactured. (How would kids know to call you “Bloody Eyeball” unless you told them the thing about how you were born with one?) However, I kinda love that Nicole has crafted this unsettling persona that so far seems to be psyching out her competition. Bonus points for the fact that she can model.

The gold (and platinum) medal goes to Amber, who wanted to become a model and change the world because Jesus (or Eric Clapton) told her to. Please don’t misunderstand me: I’m not saying she’s crazy because she loves Jesus – I’m saying she’s a crazy person who just happens to love Jesus. Needless to say I was a little shocked when she made the top 14.

And I was considerably less shocked when she dropped out for “personal reasons.” Forgettable Lisa (this was her official name, I think) was tapped to replace her (I guess Tyra wanted a Hispanic girl), and I think I heard Ciara punch a wall somewhere.

Before I (or the girls) could get my bearings, it was makeover time! Um, what? The makeover episode is a definite highlight of any “Top Model” season, er, cycle. However, bringing it out so early was a mistake (that’s what she said!). I mean, we barely got a chance to get to know these girls (and what they looked like in the first place), so a lot of the makeovers were met with an, “Um, ok” reaction. Then again, the fact that a lot of the makeovers consisted of simply making the blonde girls blonder and the brunettes girls brunettier also contributed to this segment falling flat. (If Tyra and her “Tyra-strator” can use the word “highlightslessness”, I can say “brunettier,” damnit!) For what it’s worth, I liked Courtney’s spikier cut, and Brittany’s switch from blonde to brunette.

What does it say about the makeovers when the biggest source of drama was Bianca complaining about her eyebrows being bleached, despite the fact that the knowledgeable professionals on the show kept telling her that look was in. With her uppity attitude (I’m sure she knows more about good makeup than makeup artists), I could tell almost immediately that I wasn’t going to like Bianca from the start and she did almost nothing to change my mind throughout the premiere. (Which is fine, because she’s not here to make friends.)

Fortunately, the week’s photo shoot was fantastically inspired — the girls would be recreating some of their own baby pictures. I’ll admit, at first I thought “sexy baby = ugh”, but the concepts behind almost every shot was clever and editorial.

My favorite pics from the bunch were Ashley (working that couch), Nicole (I loved the “Holy crap, she can model!” looks on everyone else’s faces), Courtney (guest judge Chanel Iman was exactly right – it looked like a painting), and winner Rae (who should’ve gotten a prize just for wearing those ridiculous eight-inch heels). My least favorites were Lisa (those are her ANGRY eyes), and um, that’s it. Everyone was generally pretty good and mostly suffered from one random unfortunate detail (like Rachel’s claw-hand or Laura's lifeless, dangling baby, pictured, right).

Nothing much to report from the judges’ panel, other than Tyra jarringly sporting a different hairstyle from the premiere (I know the episodes were probably months apart) and a Tomb Raider-esque outfit. In the end, Lisa got the distinct honor of being the first person to be eliminated twice during the season premiere. I can’t really say I’m too sorry to see her go. She seems like a nice person, but she kind of sucked. And she was boring.

So what’d you think of this episode? Why do you think Amber had to drop out? (My theory is that Jesus sent a cease and desist letter.) Which house detail was more awesome tacky? The "you must be 5'7" under sign, or the funhouse mirror? Did I miss Teyona’s Cover Girl commercial as I fast forwarded on my DVR, or is she going to be the most anonymous winner yet? Finally, who do you like this year? (I’m rolling with Courtney being my Ridiculously Early Choice to Win it All.)

NFL Week 1 Thursday Night Pick

There’s just no time.

I didn’t have a chance to do an NFL preview this year. It’s not so much that I think you care (I KNOW you don’t) I just felt the need to apologize for robbing you of the chance to mercilessly mock my sure-to-be embarrassing predictions. (Here’s a crumb: the 49ers will make the playoffs.)

To make up for it, I’ve decided to continue my weekly picks column. I’ll also bring back the popular, (in my own mind) semi-regular “Conflict of Interest” column, since I’m rolling with two fantasy football teams again this year. Who knows? Maybe one day I’ll actually get around to writing my “District 9” review.

Below is my Thursday night football pick, which will be followed in the next day or two (maybe) by my thoughts on Week 1 of the NFL season. The team I believe will win is in bold.

TENNESSEE @ PITTSBURGH
It’s not so much because the Steelers are the defending Super Bowl champions, and they’re sure to be pumped up kicking off the regular season at home. I just don’t think Tennessee will be anywhere near as good as they were last year (no matter how much tequila LenDale White stopped drinking).

Pittsburgh wants to run the ball, and I think they’ll be able to since Tennessee lost DT and run-stopper extraordinaire Albert Haynesworth in the offseason. I also simply don’t see Kerry Collins holding up/playing well for another full season, coupled with the “these guys are NOT sneaking up on anyone anymore” factor.

Hell's Kitchen: Bloody "Hell"

If I were Van, I'd consider asking the producers if I could wear a suit of armor.

Between Kevin’s ankles, Dave’s hand, and Robert’s trip to the hospital, the men had already been decimated by health-related issues BEFORE last night’s nasty-looking accident left Van as the only unscathed blue team member remaining in this season of “Hell’s Kitchen.”

But we’ll get to that later.

The continuation of “Hell’s Kitchen” found Suzanne overcompensating for the fact that she’s not a team player and no one likes her. I already talked about this last week, so I’ll just quickly summarize. I don’t believe Suzanne is purposefully trying to make her teammates look bad, I just think she’s completely oblivious to the feelings of others. Even when she was “sincerely” apologizing, it came off as slightly phony because you got the feeling that she didn’t really understand what she was apologizing for. Oh well.

This week, Ramsay decided the theme of the week would be French cuisine, an essential element for any respectable. That’s why the blank stares and overwhelming incompetence during the crepe making challenge was very discouraging.

Each team had to create a breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert crepe. After watching Ramsay easily whip up a crepe during his demo (and toss off a quick French convo with Jean-Philippe) it seemed like this thing would be a snap. If we were to believe the way the show was edited, it was actually a minor miracle that anything got done. The chefs had 20 minutes to complete the challenge, but, according to the unseen narrator, no one was done with any of their crepes with only five minutes remaining.

Of course, everything got done and the challenge came down to the wire. Ariel’s breakfast crepe beat Van’s spongy contraption (for a second I thought guest judge Jean-Philippe might sabotage Van as a way of getting revenge for their week 1 faceoff). Andy’s lunch crepe beat Tennille’s overly spicy one. Suzanne and Kevin tied on the dinner crepe. Once Suzanne was done with her flowery description (“You sautéed some meat and onions and put it on a crepe – SAY THAT” – Tennille) the challenge came down to Sabrina vs. Dave.

Dave’s dessert crepe was so tragic, it deserves its own paragraph. I didn’t even know what I was looking at until Ramsay summed it up perfectly – it looked like “a plate of diarrhea.” Needless to say Sabrina’s pear and chocolate crepe won, leading me to wonder exactly how bad Sabrina’s dessert crepe would have to have been for the men to win.

As a result, the women earned a lunch at a fine French restaurant and (in a landslide for the “WTF Award”) a miming tutorial in which Sabrina got to fake beat up Suzanne.

The men had to stay behind, prep and scarf down cow tongue and head cheese. Dave looked like he was going to be sick, while Andy happily cut slices of head cheese for himself and scarfed them down. (Why was I not surprised Andy actually liked this stuff?)

Right before the dinner service, Andy suffered what looked like a nasty wound on three of his fingers. Though there wasn’t any blood on the potato grater or anything, the wound looked bad enough on its own and Andy had to go and get stitches.

He returned in time for the dinner service – which featured French cuisine – but was out of it the entire time. He struggled at the crepe station, struggled with his risotto and even had trouble making a salad. It wouldn’t be a stretch to think that he was on some sort of painkillers, but Andy has been so consistently incompetent that I really can’t tell. Either way, he was eventually tossed from the kitchen by an irate Ramsay.

Fortunately for the blue team, Kevin and, ESPECIALLY, Dave stepped up to the plate, with Dave running around the kitchen and doing everything short of serving the food to the customers. This prompted Ramsay to tell Dave that he was a much better cook with one hand, and prompted me to maybe reconsider my preordained Kevin/Ariel finale.

Over in the red kitchen, Suzanne was brutally bad. She was out of synch with her teammates in terms of how long it would take her meat to be ready, and sliced her lamb too early when she wasn’t under or overcooking it. Sabrina’s struggles seemed to stem from the fact that her’s and Ramsay’s palates are just out of synch. What’s salty to her is bland to him. Eventually, these two got the Andy treatment and were kicked out of the kitchen, leaving Tennille and Ariel (and sous chef Heather) to finish.

No winner was declared and both teams had to come up with two consensus nominees, eventually settling on Andy and Suzanne. Even if I liked Suzanne, this was the right choice based on last night’s service. Ramsay tried to create some drama, but eventually sent Andy home.

I know he didn’t get the time to adjust to his injury the way Dave did (if you remember Dave wasn’t in the kitchen during the first service following his injury), but it was Andy’s time to go. He just wasn’t very good.

However, Ramsay wasn’t done. He had one more trick up his sleeve, and sent Suzanne to the blue team. Now, I’m sure the red team is happy to be rid of Suzanne, but I’d caution them not to get overly complacent. Last season, the red team got too happy when they dumped the reviled Lacey and promptly lost the following dinner service.

So what’d you think of this episode? Do you mind the “Fear Factor”-like punishment for the guys? (After having to prep the kitchen, it seems like overkill to me.) How will Suzanne fare on the blue team? Finally, do you think Dave can crash the Kevin/Ariel finale?

Project Runway: Life's a Beach

Isn’t it wonderful when a plan comes together?

After announcing to the world last week that he “wasn’t looking to go out on a limb and win the challenge” (that’s the spirit!), Mitchell ABSOLUTELY outdid himself in the latest episode of “Project Runway” with a brand-new declaration.

The designers had paired up for the season’s first team challenge — creating a look inspired by California surf culture (or something) — and Shirin, along with six additional, randomly-chosen designers were picked as captains. The teams were, Shirin-Carol Hannah, Logan-Christopher, Nicolas-Gordana, Althea-Louise, Qristyl-Epperson, Johnny-Irina, and Mitchell-Ra’mon.

The unquestioned highlight of the selection process (and the season so far!) was Mitchell confessing to the nation that, “I wanted to work with someone who would carry me on this challenge.”

I’ve been pretty hard on Mitchell in my previous recaps, but I’m not going to lie — I laughed out loud when he said this. And I’m the guy who was offended and a little disgusted by his “I’m not going to try to win” attitude last week! The unmitigated gall of making such a statement this week was oddly awesome. (You can’t really call the guy a liar.) I think the biggest reason I was able to enjoy it was because, by saying something like that, Mitchell confirmed what I already suspected — he sucks.

The best/worst part is that Mitchell’s plan actually worked and Ra’Mon carried the team to victory. (More on this later.)

My sources tell me there were other designers featured in this episode (seriously — would you have been able to pick “Irina” or “Carol Hannah” out of a lineup before tonight's episode?), so I suppose I should talk about them.

In my previous recap, I mentioned (and I liked) the fact that the designers seemed to be getting along well in the workroom, minimizing the silly drama and keeping the emphasis on the work. Well, that harmonious streak came to a screeching halt, as we were treated to “Scenes from a (Bad) Marriage”, starring Qristyl and Epperson.

I’m probably the only one who had this impression (I was definitely the only one in my home), but I felt like this week’s challenge should’ve been more collaborative and less, “I’m the captain, you work for me.” I mean, besides Shirin, the captains were completely arbitrary and hadn’t earned any authority, so why should any one person be in charge?

Well, that’s not the way it played out. Instead, the captains (sans Mitchell, who seemed content to make a swimsuit that wouldn’t even be seen and play around in the workroom the rest of the time) sought to impose their will. This was particularly problematic for Qristyl and Epperson. It’s impossible to say who was at fault in this partnership. Epperson was probably too insensitive and overbearing, and Qristyl was probably too sensitive and too much of a pushover when it came to what their final design would look like. All I know is that watching these two try to out-eye roll each other was NOT fun. I actually like them both a little less than I did last week.

Other than that, the season’s first team challenge didn’t yield much drama. Gordana had misgivings about Nicolas’ avant garde look (a requirement that Tim Gunn sprung on the teams a bit later on), but was ultimately supportive of her partner on the runway when they ended up in the bottom two. Even Mitchell and Ra’mon didn’t exactly clash — it’s just that Ra’mon was doing all the work and all the freaking out. (When you think about it, Ra’mon actually created THREE looks if you count the discarded superhero wetsuit.)

Maybe it’s because there are still way too many designers, but I’m finding it hard to get into the runway shows. This week was no exception, with most of the look either not having that much to do with surfer wear or being too literal. (Or just forgettable.)

The bottom two was comprised of Qristyl-Epperson and Nicolas-Gordana, while the top two was made up of Johnny-Irina and Mitchell-Ra’mon(?!) Although their surfer look was brilliant, their avant garde look had a big ink blot on the side thanks to Ra’mon not being able to finish on time. (Then again, what’s more avant garde than that, right?!) Personally, I would’ve taken out Johnny-Irina, and replaced them with Althea-Louise, but what do I know?

In a rare instance of reality show justice, the judges (especially Heidi) did NOT let Mitchell get away with contributing nothing to his team’s winning design. In a “Project Runway” first, the captain of a winning team was sent home.

Of course, the fact that he was in the bottom two his previous two weeks was a major factor (“three strikes, you’re out”), but I’d like to think no designer could get away with this kind of no-show.

Even with his spectacular failure, I don’t hate Mitchell. The guy was good-natured throughout (even about his suckiness) and departed with class. Still, the important thing is that he departed — he HAD to go.

So what’d you think of this episode? Did you ever think you’d live to see the day that Tim Gunn wore flip-flops? (Welcome to California "Project Runway" — finally!) Are there any actresses in L.A. (like guest judge Rachel Bilson) who are NOT designers? Finally, is Mitchell the worst “Project Runway” contestant ever? (Since he’s actually a nice guy, I wouldn’t say “Worst.” I’d say “Least Successful.”)