Melrose Place Review

The new “Melrose Place” is not good.

Of course, you and I knew that would be the case before the pilot debuted last week.

I never watched the original 1990’s version of the trash-tastic nighttime soap opera, but I don’t think you had to be a devoted fan to know that it wasn’t exactly “The West Wing” in terms of quality or respectability.

And I imagine that’s part of the reason why people loved it!

Unfortunately, though the original “Melrose’s” brand mix of crazy and (intentional?) bad acting was fresh and probably a little startling a decade ago, the new version’s attempt to recreate this vibe ends up being its major downfall. Manufactured, factory-created is not as interesting as honest, holy s--- craziness. Too much has happened on TV over the past decade, so a show REALLY has to come strong if they want to “shock” us on a consistent basis.

For example, Katie Cassidy’s publicist character Ella wants to be the new Heather Locklear (nevermind the fact that Locklear wasn’t part of the original cast) so bad she can taste it. She can also taste that anonymous girl she made out with at the end of the pilot to show us how “wild” she is. That being said, Cassidy actually gave one of the better performances in the pilot.

More dismaying than the pained reaches for edginess, the show (and I admit that judging a show by its pilot is not completely fair) is fairly predictable. As soon as med school student Lauren (Stephanie Jacobsen) was offered $5,000 to sleep with a successful director, we knew she’d waffle before eventually doing it. Not just because her dad lost his job due to the economy (ooh, timely) and could no longer support her, but because it could potentially lead to a season-long moonlighting gig as an escort. (Ok, so this might actually turn out to be interesting.)

The central mystery of the pilot (and it seems the season) is who killed longtime resident Sydney (original cast member Laura Leighton). As I mentioned, I didn’t watch the original Melrose, so I had no attachment to Sydney either way, but I enjoyed Leighton’s brief, subtly campy performance, and I’m glad we’ll be apparently seeing more of her in flashbacks. Leighton and fellow original cast member Thomas Calabro look like Meryl Streep and Robert DeNiro compared to the rest of the cast. (They’re pros.)

Much of the pilot also focused on wannabe filmmaker Jonah (Michael Rady), who proposed to his hesitant girlfriend Riley (Jessica Lucas) and appears to be the object of Ella’s affection. The character may be ridiculously goody-goody (well, maybe not for long on this show) and a shade or two on the boring side, but Rady has a charm that serves the show well.

In the end, I actually enjoyed this pilot more than I did last year’s “Beverly Hills 90210” pilot. The producers have found a smart way of centering the show around the new cast, while making the participation of old cast members like Leighton integral to the show. The new Melrose is also smart enough to deliver plenty of shirtless and cleavage shots for its audience.

Hopefully, it’ll also be smart enough to eventually strike out as a unique enterprise. As of right now, the show has laughably bad acting and plots, and a mystery to tide us over for the time being (even though it’s pretty obvious that Ashlee Simpson-Wentz is the killer).

In other words, it’s a guilty pleasure with plenty of room for improvement.

Melrose Place…C+