America's Next Top Recap: Baby Steps

Do we REALLY want our favorite reality shows to change? Of course, we don’t.

We complain when producers make cosmetic changes — like moving “Project Runway” from New York to L.A. (and from Bravo to Lifetime) or adding Ellen DeGeneres to “American Idol” — and we give those long-running shows a much-needed shot in the arm in the publicity/buzz department. Eventually, we tune in to see how different our favorite shows will be, only to find that they’re almost exactly the same, except for the fact that Tim Gunn got to wear flip flops in one episode.

Don’t get me wrong — no one wants to see the exact same thing for 10 straight years/cycles, and pretty much every show has weaknesses it could improve upon. Still, we’re strangely happy when things are kind of the same (after we get over being slightly mad that they’re not as different as we were promised).

And so it is with “America’s Next Top Model.” In case you didn’t hear (of course you heard), this year’s cycle exclusively features women 5’7”and under and is unofficially known as “America’s Next Top Petite Model.” (Though Tyra herself seemed to tire of adding the “petite” by the end of the first hour.) Not surprisingly, the show is pretty much exactly the same, (other than seemingly forcing the short women to wear flats to make them look even shorter), and Tyra is still bat s--- crazy in the most delightfully entertaining way.

Last night’s two-hour premiere featured one of those one-hour casting specials that I find particularly pointless because the list of 14 girls in the running to become “America’s Next Top (Petite?) Model” has been widely available on the Internet for some time, killing some of the drama.

Then again, it’s not like I memorized the list, so some of the cuts surprised me (I thought sporty Ciara was a lock, if only so the judges could wonder if she was too sporty). Additionally, we got to revel in plenty of craziness from Tyra herself (sauntering out to the runway and whipping out an awesomely bad French accent) and the aspiring models.

We had not one, but TWO, girls (Kara and Laura) who castrated farm animals. We had a girl (Courtney) walking down the runway in crutches. Tyra tried to make a girl (Rae) cry by randomly asking her to recount the time she was abducted and assaulted. The silver medal for craziness, however, goes to Nicole, aka Bloody Eyeball. She claimed she felt “more mature” than the other girls in a monotone that she’ll be apparently using all season. The reason she gets the silver is because her “craziness” seemed manufactured. (How would kids know to call you “Bloody Eyeball” unless you told them the thing about how you were born with one?) However, I kinda love that Nicole has crafted this unsettling persona that so far seems to be psyching out her competition. Bonus points for the fact that she can model.

The gold (and platinum) medal goes to Amber, who wanted to become a model and change the world because Jesus (or Eric Clapton) told her to. Please don’t misunderstand me: I’m not saying she’s crazy because she loves Jesus – I’m saying she’s a crazy person who just happens to love Jesus. Needless to say I was a little shocked when she made the top 14.

And I was considerably less shocked when she dropped out for “personal reasons.” Forgettable Lisa (this was her official name, I think) was tapped to replace her (I guess Tyra wanted a Hispanic girl), and I think I heard Ciara punch a wall somewhere.

Before I (or the girls) could get my bearings, it was makeover time! Um, what? The makeover episode is a definite highlight of any “Top Model” season, er, cycle. However, bringing it out so early was a mistake (that’s what she said!). I mean, we barely got a chance to get to know these girls (and what they looked like in the first place), so a lot of the makeovers were met with an, “Um, ok” reaction. Then again, the fact that a lot of the makeovers consisted of simply making the blonde girls blonder and the brunettes girls brunettier also contributed to this segment falling flat. (If Tyra and her “Tyra-strator” can use the word “highlightslessness”, I can say “brunettier,” damnit!) For what it’s worth, I liked Courtney’s spikier cut, and Brittany’s switch from blonde to brunette.

What does it say about the makeovers when the biggest source of drama was Bianca complaining about her eyebrows being bleached, despite the fact that the knowledgeable professionals on the show kept telling her that look was in. With her uppity attitude (I’m sure she knows more about good makeup than makeup artists), I could tell almost immediately that I wasn’t going to like Bianca from the start and she did almost nothing to change my mind throughout the premiere. (Which is fine, because she’s not here to make friends.)

Fortunately, the week’s photo shoot was fantastically inspired — the girls would be recreating some of their own baby pictures. I’ll admit, at first I thought “sexy baby = ugh”, but the concepts behind almost every shot was clever and editorial.

My favorite pics from the bunch were Ashley (working that couch), Nicole (I loved the “Holy crap, she can model!” looks on everyone else’s faces), Courtney (guest judge Chanel Iman was exactly right – it looked like a painting), and winner Rae (who should’ve gotten a prize just for wearing those ridiculous eight-inch heels). My least favorites were Lisa (those are her ANGRY eyes), and um, that’s it. Everyone was generally pretty good and mostly suffered from one random unfortunate detail (like Rachel’s claw-hand or Laura's lifeless, dangling baby, pictured, right).

Nothing much to report from the judges’ panel, other than Tyra jarringly sporting a different hairstyle from the premiere (I know the episodes were probably months apart) and a Tomb Raider-esque outfit. In the end, Lisa got the distinct honor of being the first person to be eliminated twice during the season premiere. I can’t really say I’m too sorry to see her go. She seems like a nice person, but she kind of sucked. And she was boring.

So what’d you think of this episode? Why do you think Amber had to drop out? (My theory is that Jesus sent a cease and desist letter.) Which house detail was more awesome tacky? The "you must be 5'7" under sign, or the funhouse mirror? Did I miss Teyona’s Cover Girl commercial as I fast forwarded on my DVR, or is she going to be the most anonymous winner yet? Finally, who do you like this year? (I’m rolling with Courtney being my Ridiculously Early Choice to Win it All.)