America's Next Top Recap: Super Smize Me

So basically last night’s episode of “America’s Next Top Model” was Tyra’s aggressive attempt to introduce “smize” into the pop culture lexicon. (And maybe, eventually, the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Of course, the concept of “smiling with your eyes” is nothing new to long-time “Top Model” fans (a group which I’m only MOSTLY ashamed to admit belonging to). I’ve always enjoyed Tyra’s impromptu lessons on “smiling with your eyes” (I am NOT helping Tyra and Co. make “smizing” a thing) because I always understood and saw what the Mistress of Crazy was talking about. As a result, I enjoyed tonight’s peek behind the curtain of what makes for a good eye-smile.

I wonder what doe-eyed Rachel’s eye-smile would’ve looked like.

We never got to find out because she was cut about 10 minutes into the episode following an impromptu meet-and-greet with noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker (though not noted by Lulu who couldn’t name a single fashion photographer) and Sean Patterson, head of the Wilhemina modeling agency. What the girls thought was the week’s challenge — impress Nigel and Sean in a mini job interview – turned into a cruel cut for the former Wal-Mart casher. The girl completely blanked out when the guys asked her to sing something the same way most people blank out when they’re asked to “say something funny.” (Or the way I used to blank out when people would find out that I’m Hispanic, and ask me to say something Spanish – eventually, I came up with a prepared answer.)

After recovering from the shock of Rachel’s elimination, the girls met up with a French-accented photographer who looked like Dustin Diamond (the way he looks now, not as Screech) who was SUCH a bad actor that it was obvious Tyra was going to be coming around the corner. Lo and behold, Enter the Crazy. She came in at first as a meek wannabe model before revealing herself to be Super Smize (pictured, right) and vanquishing the bad actor/fake photographer. I loved that even some of the usually-adoring girls couldn't hide the WTF look on their faces. As stupid as this was, I have to say I enjoyed Super Smize more than I did “My Super Ex-Girlfriend.”

What I enjoyed more was Tyra’s hands-on lesson to the girls. I think sometimes we forget that most of these girls have no idea what they’re doing in terms of being real models, so to watch Tyra teach them so effectively was kind of a treat. It actually gave Tyra a decent amount of credibility, despite the surprisingly low-rent superheroine costume she was wearing. Apparently, the trick to smiling with your eyes is putting your hand on your stomach and thinking of something you really want. And the list of things that inspire these girls includes sheet cake, noodles and pepperoni pizza.

Much less effective was the subsequent duels in the "Fortress of Fierceness" (ugh) to see who had the best smize while wearing outfits that covered everything but their eyes. Though this was unintentionally hilarious, the winners seemed like they were picked almost at random and the whole thing was stupid. Either way, the winning team got to have dinner (that nobody touched) with Patterson, while the losers had to do the dishes.

Speaking of dishes (SEGUE WAY), a dirty dish into a steaming dishwasher provided the only source of “drama” in the house this week. Bianca accidentally put a dirty plate in with a clean load (which we’ve all done), got called out for it and had a Bianca-fit. (I would’ve said “bitch-fit”, but I don’t like to curse.) Seriously, she’s awful.

The week’s photo shoot involved the models posing with topless (?!) with jockeys - short people, unite!

My favorite of the bunch was Brittany, who I thought was the CLEAR winner over Erin (the actual winner) and the rest of girls. I also kinda liked Lulu and didn’t mind at all that Rae’s was a little Madonna. The fact that Ashley’s best photo was a test shot that featured a (photoshopped) crew member in the background was pretty funny.

The pictures I didn’t care for were Jennifer (I wish she hadn’t told us about her ptosis – now all I see is that eye of hers), Courtney (just a lazy, photo shoot that she admitted to mailing in because she hated being forced to wear her walking boot) and Bianca (she’s simply the worst person – and not even a very good model to make up for it).

The bottom two was comprised of Bianca and Courtney, with Courtney getting the (walking) boot for her uninspired photograph. Bianca’s wasn’t as bad, but, with that angry mouth, it wasn’t exactly good either. Then again, we all know Tyra and Co. aren’t exactly against keeping people around to stir the pot in the house and, judging from next week’s previews, that’s precisely what Bianca is about to do.

Goodbye, Courtney. I'm not mad at you for getting eliminated - and making my Ridiculously Early Pick to Win It All fail spectacularly - because I don't think you deserved to go home. I actually yelled out, "No!" when Tyra revealed that Bianca was staying.

So what’d you think of this episode? What’s your preferred way of spelling “smize”? (I’ll admit the inexplicable “z” gives it a zing. I’ve also seen “smeyes”, but I think “smiyes” looks better and is simply most right – well, as “most right” as a made-up word can be.) I realize I’m no fashion maven, but was there any reason AT ALL for the women to be topless during the photo shoot? (At least we now know that Laura “just likes nudity” – alrighty then.) Could guest judge Lauren Conrad have been less of a factor? Finally, how long until Bianca stops making “good TV” and gets the hell out of our Wednesday nights forever?