Dancing with the Stars: Male Time!

“Dancing with the Stars” is back with its biggest season (16 contestants!), and biggest “Star” ever. (Tom DeLay, according to Tom BerGeron – um, ok.)

There’s a lot to get to this week (three nights of “DWTS”, two eliminations, one Patrick Swayze tribute), so let’s jump right into my stream of consciousness thoughts on the first night of dancing, featuring the male celebrities and a new wrinkle – team relay performances.

Aaron Carter & Karina: The most naturally gifted dancer of the bunch. Imagine how good he’ll be when he stops ogling Karina. He’d be pretty much unstoppable if he didn’t give off that Aaron Carter-esque whiff of douche (Eau de douche) before, during and after his cha cha cha. (I also thought it was an interesting choice by Karina to wear a boa as a shirt.) Anyway, he acquitted himself VERY nicely during the Waltz Relay (which he CLEARLY dominated) and he’s very deserving of the top spot on the leaderboard.

Chuck Lidell & Anna T: He’s like a slightly more genial Lawrence Taylor in that “how the hell did I get here way?” way. At least Chuck doesn’t look like he can’t wait to run off and play golf immediately after the judges give him their score. His foxtrot was pretty brutal (but in a charming way, if that’s possible). Also charming – the way he actually seems a little intimidated by Anna Trebunskaya. Finally, I was pleasantly surprised to see him bring joy and fun (and a little hip action) to his Salsa Relay.

Mark Decascos & Lacey: He’s the wild card of the season for me. He’ll either channel all his awesome athletic skill and charisma and possibly make it to the finals, or he’ll struggle like he did last night from the lack of technique and ease that comes from just not being a natural dancer (Carrie Ann pointed out the “wa-choo” arms) and he’ll be out in four or five weeks. Doing the martial arts-themed “Kung Fu Fighting” cha cha cha (complete with Chinese characters on the dance floor) seemed like a mistake at first and it appeared like Lacey was letting her celeb hijack a routine (like she did with Lance Bass and Steve-O). However, by getting the obligatory gimmick out of the way early (you KNEW they were going to do it sometime) they don’t run the risk of being eliminated around week 4 because of a low score from the gimmick-hating judges (mostly Len).

Ashley Hamilton & Edyta: Kind of a giant waste of that Mika’s “Grace Kelly.” (Definitely in the Top 10 for awful renditions by the Harold Wheeler band – and that’s saying something.) Edyta previously danced with Ashley’s dad George, and it seems like she’s finally been out-tanned. Oh yeah, the dancing – Ashley’s foxtrot was DEFINITELY the worst performance last night and I think he’ll go home Wednesday.

Donny Osmond & Kym (pictured, left): I think Donny can now play Billy Flynn in “Chicago” whenever he wants. Random shot of the evening: Jermaine Jackson hanging out with Marie Osmond. (Um, ok.) As for his “All That Jazz” foxtrot, I thought it was better than the judges (who focused on the dance’s “theatricality”) gave him credit for. Marie dared him to do better than she did – I think he’s got a very nice chance. They might even let him back into Utah if he wins.

Louie Vito & Chelsie: Plodding, but I love that paint thinner couldn’t remove the smile plastered on his face. Len’s comment about the hair may have been his fuddy-duddiest. What do you want to bet he permanently becomes known as the “Snowboarding Hobbitt”? He and Chelsie have an outside chance of becoming the poor man’s Apolo and Julianne. (A VERY outside chance.)

Michael & Anna D.: He may be taking his rivalry with Jerry Rice a little far. I wonder if/hope he’ll continue to compare himself to what Jerry Rice did (“Jerry got a 21 on his cha cha cha.”) I don’t remember Jerry’s cha cha cha, but I can’t imagine it was as oddly effeminate as Michael’s. That being said, he didn’t deserve two “4”s! The judges were way too hard on him, so it was nice to see him bounce back in the Waltz Relay. I like this couple and I hope new pro Anna will step her game up and give the Playmaker something to do.

Tom DeLay & Cheryl: Well, Cheryl had Gilles last season (possibly the best dancer this show has ever seen), so I guess this is only fair. Tom got the “going left” political/"Zoolander" joke out of the way early. I REALLY hope that’s not what I look like when I lip-synch while dancing. As for the dancing – surprisingly good, when he wasn’t unnecessarily shaking his ass to show us (in a contrived way) what a “Wild Thing” the former House Majority Leader is.

Salsa Relay: The way the relays worked is that four of the couples would dance and the judges would rank them first through fourth, with the top couple receiving 10 points, the next couple getting 8, and so on.

The judges ranked them 1. Donny, 2. Louie, 3. Chuck and 4. Ashley. I had it Donny, Chuck (he truly was a delightful revelation), Louie (not that impressed by the tumbling) and…………………Ashley.

Waltz Relay: I agreed with the judges' rankings here: Aaron, Mark, Michael and Tom (though Michael and Tom were closer than I expected).

The waltz was notable mostly thanks to Aaron delivering what was probably the best dancing of the evening. I think he, Donny and Mark have potential to be finalists. I’m curious to see how many women fit that bill after Tuesday night.

So what’d you think of this episode? How funny was it when, after Tom DeLay’s cha cha, Samantha threw it back to Tom, but the show went to commercial instead? (I’ve oddly missed her unique brand of incompetence.) Did you enjoy the "Matrix"-y camera effect during the intros? How long did Bruno have that, “You’re crazier than Sarah Palin” joke tucked in his back pocket? (I say two minutes after it was announced DeLay would be on the show.) Finally, who do you think should go home? (In case I haven’t been clear, I think it should be Ashley. It’s terrific that he’s out of the wheelchair, but he kinda needs to go.)