24: Intro to German

Monday night’s installment of “24” felt like a placeholder – you know, the type of episode we get BEFORE a bunch of stuff happens.

I mean, when the climax of the episode revolved around a C-level character (in terms of importance) shooting and killing an F-level character, you got the feeling things were a bit lacking and that the best (hopefully) is yet to come.

You’ve heard me bitch about the stupid Dana storyline for a few weeks, so let’s just get it out of the way early this week. I’m sorry, but for someone who’s supposed to be some sort of CTU-genius, Dana is incredibly stupid.

First, she seems to actually believe that, if she pays creepy Kevin off, the jerk (and his shotgun-wielding buddy) will just magically leave her alone. To that end, Dana located more than $100,000 in drug money for Kevin and his pal to steal from a warehouse. Secondly, Dana decided to hand Kevin the fabricated key card in a parking area just outside the CTU building – and in plain view of a security camera. (Did Dana not know that was there?!)

Now fellow CTU-analyst Arlo — who NEVER passes up a chance to hit on Dana in a gross way — knows Dana is hiding something. I’m hoping he’ll help speed up the end of this pointless storyline. I’d be nice if Dana were smart enough to send creepy Kevin and his friend to a warehouse that’s scheduled to be demolished or something, but she wouldn’t be smart enough to do that.

We’ll have to wait till next week to see Kevin (get his) in the warehouse.

Oh well, at least we have the season’s main storyline to keep us entertained. As you probably remember, Renee has been in the process of infiltrating the Russian underworld over the last three episodes. The goal is to set Jack up as a fake German arms dealer and get their hands on the weapons-grade uranium.

In the meantime, Renee’s “I don’t care if I live speech” had the dual impact of convincing former “lover” Vlad that she was for real AND making him want to take care of her again. Renee was understandably hesitant since Vlad (who kinda looks like a scary Daniel Craig) brutalized her in the past. As Vlad did his version of sweet talk (shattered vodka glass included) Jack was reduced to listening in through Renee’s communication device. It was almost as if he was plugged into the Russian phone sex line from hell.

The episode’s big moment (that didn’t involve gunshots) was Renee willfully giving herself to Vlad. As I mentioned when we first got a look at Renee this year, I get the whole “Renee is the new Jack” thing. I also understand the idea that Jack has had to sacrifice and do some truly horrific things during missions for the greater good. I just wish Renee’s big sacrifice didn’t have to be sex. It’s great that we got Annie Wersching in a towel, but it mostly seems lazy on the part of the writers to have Renee violated this way because she’s a woman.

Anyway, Renee and Vlad were in for a lot more quality time together because Vlad had decided to have Jack killed. Fortunately, Freddie Prinze Jr. was in a neighboring rooftop and helped saved the day just as Vlad’s men were about to execute their double cross.

We’ll have to wait till next week to see Jack, Renee and Vlad face-to-face. (Thankfully, we did NOT have to wait till next week to hear Kiefer Sutherland’s laughably bad German-accented English or see his even funnier “Ernst Meir” disguise. Apparently, Ernst looks, talks and acts exactly like Jack Bauer, except he wears goofy round-rimmed glasses. Good times!)

Meanwhile, on the political front, President Taylor is still annoyed that President Hassan is cracking down on his people following the attempt on his life. If I were Cherry Jones, I’d bust into the “24” writing room waving the Emmy I won last year and demand they give me decent material!

Actually, the most interesting development on the Hassan front is the apparent relationship between Hassan’s bodyguard — who had to arrest one of Hassan’s most trusted allies — and Hassan’s daughter, whom the bodyguard called on her cell last night to tell her daddy’s losing it. Granted, there’s a decent chance I could be completely making up that relationship.

Finally, it turns out I was wrong about the Bazhaev family drama. All this time I assumed big brother Josef’s decision to save his little brother would eventually lead CTU and Jack to the uranium. (It still might, seeing as how they left a bunch of dead bodies lying around in that clinic). Dr. Levine had seemingly given Josef the tools to save his brother’s life, but their dad Sergei had found out about his son’s deception and sent a team to kill everyone at the clinic and retrieve his sons.

We all knew little bro wasn’t long for this world, so I wasn’t surprised when Sergei put a few bullets into him, despite the fact that he was menacing Josef. Sergei also planted a “Godfather II”-type kiss to let us know he’s a badass. (And that he has good taste in movies.)

We’ll have to wait till next week to see — oh wait, I guess this side story was actually wrapped up. Go figure. Hopefully, the Dana Saga is next

So what’d you think of this episode? How the hell did Sergei’s men find Josef in that clinic? Did the glasses make Jack look more or less awesome? Finally, who’s got a nicer ass – Dana or Chloe?