Hell's Kitchen: A Hell of a Decision

I was really looking forward to last night's season finale of "Hell's Kitchen" in which we had two closely-matched and very likable (at least by reality TV standards) facing off for the top prize.

Then, about 15 minutes before the show was due to start and right about the time the woman on "Moment of Truth" was admitting to cheating on all of her ex-husbands, I realized that last night's episode would only be the first half of the season finale. Ugh. I felt like a complete idiot.

This was especially embarrassing after I mercilessly mocked the contestants last week for not knowing their "Hell's Kitchen" history and not being prepared for their challenges. It turns out I didn't know my HK History either (I skipped that class in college) since splitting your reality TV season finale into two is one of the oldest tricks in the book and is something the show did just last year.

Needless to say, I was a little grumpy throughout last night's episode. And that was before I realized the episode would be ridiculously stuffed with filler (though not quite as ridiculous as stuffing a pumpkin with a hen).

Allow me to break down the numbers a bit. Usually, when you take out commercials, you get about 44 minutes of content for an hour-long prime time series. Last night's show didn't even start until 9:12 p.m. (Eastern Standard Time) after a recap of the season and opening credits. Add in about three minutes worth of additional flashbacks to past events throughout the hour, and you have 15 minutes of nothingness (i.e., stuff we've already seen). That means out of the hour I was watching "Hell's Kitchen" last night, only about 29 minutes of it was anything new. It was almost as bad as watching an "American Idol" results show.

To make things worse, a lot of the "new" stuff was Christina and Petrozza trying to find different ways to say "I can't believe it's down to the final two" and "I deserve to win "Hell's Kitchen." Fortunately, as I already mentioned, our two finalists are very likable and (gasp!) appear to get along, making it easy to root for both of them and the chase for the title more interesting.

Chef Ramsay informed the duo they'd each have to design one half of "Hell's Kitchen" to their liking and come up with their own menu.

Christina impressed right away, having a clear idea of her menu (her choosing food that people know and like is a good start) and staying up late to finish it. Meanwhile, Petrozza scribbled "Light sauteed"- something on his notepad, struggled to come up with much more and called it a night.

The next day Christina had equally strong convictions about her design concepts, asking for a "simple, but elegant" aesthetic and approving striped wallpaper. Petrozza, who does nothing but cement his stature as the nicest guy on reality TV, babbled incoherently, but enthusiastically about sweetbread and lots of flowers. He was also very receptive to having his wait staff dressed as chefs (making Jean-Philippe happy), while Christina HATED that idea and wanted them all dressed in black leading to some passive-aggressive bitchiness from Jean-Philippe. I guess we know who he's rooting for.

Later, both chefs presented their menus (Chef Scott didn't humor Petrozza nearly as much as the designer guy did, but still went along with things) before being called by Ramsay into his office. Ramsay said he didn't think he had the right two finalists, (commercial break) he KNEW he had the right two finalists. Seriously, what was the point of that? Why not just hand them a $20 bill and then snatch it away while we're being cruel? At least Ramsay made up for it by flying them to New York in his private jet.

Christina grabbed one of her shiny new Rodeo Drive outfits, while Petrozza finally got to wear the one suit permanently tucked away in his luggage since he hardly won any rewards, and they were off.

After a brief stop at Times Square (I guess no one who was there cared enough to put the two finalists' names online), the chefs went to Ramsay's "London" restaurant in Manhattan (got that?). They were introduced to the eatery's executive chef, Josh (who looked like "Dancing with the Stars" Tony Dovolani to me) and asked to cook their signature dish.

Christina made aNew York strip with sweet corn succotash, while Petrozza opted for a filet mignon with caramelized onion risotto (and I lamented the alarming lack of hen and/or pumpkin in his signature dish). Christina was obscenely cocky the entire time (making fun of Petrozza's culinary paintbrush) which automatically let me know she would lose. Still, when she rallied back to tie the taste test at two after Petrozza took the early lead, I got a little nervous. In the end, Petrozza was the winner and got first pick for the final dinner service.

Before choosing teams, Christina had a minor freakout over her restaurants designs, which, to be fair, looked sort of brutal. I also enjoyed watching Petrozza just cluelessly fawn over his and Christina's design. The designer could've incorportated the design of a particularly nice Burger King and Petrozza would've loved it.

At the end of the hour, six past contestants — Bobby, Corey, Louross, Ben, Matt and (shudder) Jen — walked in and it was time to pick teams.

In my opinion, Petrozza squandered the first pick by picking Bobby. I can understand why he did it. It WAS Bobby after all who brought Petrozza back after Trezzie had his "I'm done" meltdown, but I believe he should've chosen Corey, the best of the rest. I also think, if Petrozza takes Corey first, that Christina wouldn't necessarily pick Bobby second (she'd probably go with Louross or Ben), so Petrozza could've had Bobby either way with the third pick. Instead, Corey fell into Christina's lap (and they DO work terrifically together). Petrozza then picked Ben (despite the creepy wink from creepy Matt) and Christina went with Louross.

As the hour closed, Petrozza had to decide between Matt and Jen. Actually, he really had to decide who he wanted to stick Christina with. On one hand, there's Matt, who's legitimately insane, pretty sweaty and kind of a bad cook. On the other, there's Jen, who is a decent cook, but is also destructive, vindictive, sneaky and the most annoying person in the whole world. I mean, she wasn't even back for five seconds before she said she was better than her competitors and was there to make Ramsay second-guess his choice. Double Ugh!

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I would actually pick Jen if I were Petrozza. She says she wants to prove Ramsay wrong, so maybe that means she'll work really hard and deliver a good service. Then again, that may mean she'll undermine you at every turn and make herself shine while taking you down in flames. I mean, at least with her, there's a chance she'll be good, right? Right?!

So what'd you think of this episode? Is there a more generic description than "simple, but elegant"? (I mean, who DOESN'T like "simple, but elegant"?) What, exactly, was the point of having Whoopi Goldberg (pictured, right, with Ramsay and the finalists) stop by? Who do you think is going to win next week? Are Christina and I the only ones who aren't really sure where Dubai is? More importantly, who would you rather get stuck with on your team? Matt or Jen?