America's Next Top Recap: A Down and Dirty Finale

To be honest, I was just happy that Aminat didn’t win.

I’ve written in this space about how every time she opens her mouth to say something negative or self-serving (which is always) I want to stick a plastic fork in my ear. Of course, I’ve also noted that she’s unquestionably going to be a successful model no matter what - why else would the judges rescue her from universally crummy photos and four trips to the bottom 2? - so it didn’t really matter whether she won or not. (Look for her in one of those future "Top Models in Action" spots next cycle.) To give her the win in this competition would’ve just made her more insufferable than she already is.

Then again, the fact that I was rooting against Aminat more than I was FOR either Allison or Teyona says more about this relatively underwhelming cycle. Hopefully, the show will get its groove back once the shorties (5’7" and under contestants) show up in the fall.

Or maybe my current disappointment comes from the fact that Allison totally won me over last night (I was on Team Celia), and by the end of the night I really wanted her to win. I’ve always liked that she’s low-key without boring and that she’s kind of a dork, but I’ve also found her "woe is me" attitude toward some of the tasks ("I can’t walk." "I can’t act." "I can’t dance.") to be irritating. I was thoroughly delighted to see how much she’d improved as a model since the start of the competion.

The final 3 headed to the Cover Girl set to do their annual TV commercial/photo shoot. Aminat pretty much nailed her commercial (argh!) but (while I thought her picture was fine) the judges once again banged on her for being a little dead in the eyes and thinking she did better than she actually did. Allison was a little robotic during her commercial, but I agree with Paulina in that, for some reason, she was the only person I actually listened to. Teyona’s commercial was a disaster after she blanked out on the script and broke down on set. (There’s always one, isn’t there.) This was uncomfortable to watch, but she managed to rebound with a Cover Girl photo so good that I was seriously convinced it wasn’t really her. (She looked THAT different!)

In somewhat of a surprise, the judges cut Aminat lose - I guess they decided five times in the bottom 2 was the last straw.

That left Allison and Teyona to compete in what was going to be a "Brazilian Stompin’" fashion show. Tyra said the words "Brazilian Stompin’" so much that I actually became convinced this was an actual dance move the contestants would have to execute. (Then again, I’m really dumb.) Turns out that was just her way of telling them to walk fiercely.

Heading into the runway show, which featured tiny top hats, capoeira dancers and black body paint, I thought Allison was at a big disadvantage. The times we’ve seen her walk a runway have been (to put it mildly) heinous. Even up until last week, her samba dancing was slightly tragic, so I did NOT have high hopes that she could get her coordination down in time.

Sneaky Allison! Apparently the girl has been practicing all this time (and off-camera) because she delivered a competent, confident (not brilliant) walk for the show. I actually ended up preferring it to Teyona’s walk, which suffered from robot arms for a little bit.

Of course, the highlight of the show was the two women trying to out-writhe each other on the floor (pictured, right) as they were both covered in the black body paint. It kind of reminded me of a high-fashion/editorial orgy. (My favorite.) During a key moment, Teyona’s weave came off and (to her credit) she started whirling it above her head like a helicopter. (Awesome!)

During the final panel, the judges compared some of their past photos side-by-side. Overall, Teyona had a stronger body of work.

I like to think that’s what ended up resulting in her victory because, to recap, Allison had a MUCH better commercial, an equal-to-slightly-worse picture, and a better runway walk. There’s something to be said for rewarding the person who’s been the best competitor throughout (Teyona), despite the fact that her opponent improved by leaps and bounds.

Basically, it came down to what the judges were looking for (Paulina seemed to favor Allison, while Ms. J seemed to like Teyona better). Did they want a highly-skilled, highly-adaptable model or did they want a girl with a unique and potentially-limiting look (Allison’s eyes)?

Personally, I would’ve gone with Allison because the show’s not called "America’s Next Top Blank Canvas" but I can certainly understand the decision to go with Teyona. So congratulations to Teyona for the win, and thanks to both finalists for giving us a neck-and-neck finale.

And for keeping Aminat out of the finals.

So what’d you think of this episode? Why did the two finalists have to wear skimpy bikinis to the last judges’ panel? Will you miss the recently-fired Paulina? (Personally, I was a big fan and the right mixture for that judge’s chair - not as tart as Janice Dickenson, but not as bland as Twiggy. Why not fire Ms. J instead?) Finally, do you think the right person won?

Hell's Kitchen: And the Winner Is...

Now THIS is exactly why you don’t judge a book by its backwards hat, F bomb-loving cover. (I know it’s "Hell’s Kitchen" dude, but I lost count after about 18 bleeps.)

After a season finale that was every bit as good as last week’s episode was boring, a new chef joined the newly-formed "Hell’s Kitchen" Wall of Fame.

More importantly, part 2 of the two-part finale delivered the goods in a way that showed us a flicker of how good this show could be when it’s not manipulated for drama within an inch of its life. It helps a great deal when you have two worthy competitors that were still locked in a tight race by the end of the evening. I honestly did NOT know whose door was going to be unlocked.

I won’t lie though - I was worried in the beginning when the hour threatened to turn into The Lacey Show.

Obviously, Lacey was this year’s recipient of the dubious title of "Chef No One Wants On Their Team." The problem with The Lacey Show is not only that Lacey herself is spectacularly annoying and a major downer to have on your team - we also have to sit and listen to her teammates whine about how spectacularly annoying and what a major downer she is.

It really is a chicken and the egg situation. Lacey claims she’d have a better attitude if people just treated her better. However, why should people treat her well if she’s always acting like a beast? I tend to side with Lacey just being too beastly to handle since, whenever Ben or anybody else tried to sit her down and reason with her/stroke her ego, they were met with an eye roll. I mean, what the hell does she want from these people?

During prep, Lacey had trouble making Paula’s banana crème brulee, and generally seemed to occupy most of Paula’s time, who was apparently on babysitting duty.

Chef Ramsay tasted each of Danny and Paula’s menu items. I loved watching Ramsay give firm, helpful advice to the two contestants. Don’t get me wrong, I love to see the guy blow a gasket as much as anyone, but I also like to see that balanced out with his paternal side. Paula seemed receptive to his advice, while Danny seemed stubborn about several aspects of his menu. Apparently, he WANTED to serve a pear that was too hard and he was ok with presenting a phallic onion.

After that, Ramsay examined each of the finalists’ remodeled dining rooms. To me, Paula was the clear winner with her tasteful, elegant design (even if the soft lighting from the way it was photographed was hurting my eyes). Danny, on the other hand, decided to go with the name "Velvet Hammer" (Ben thought it was a porn name, I still say it sounds like a pimp’s name - either way, it’s not good) and generally had a tackier restaurant. Nice job by Ramsay with the backhanded compliments. ("It’s country - it’s very you.")

The dinner service rolled around, and Danny took the early lead by engaging his team and doing a better job in exuding authority. It also helped that Andrea was completely crapping the bed (AGAIN!) in the fish station, causing Paula’s team to fall behind. I still do NOT understand for the life of me why Paula made her the number one pick. (I would’ve gone with Giovanni.)

Then again, Gio didn’t exactly shine during the dinner service, over-seasoning the garnish and admitting that he didn’t really want to be there. This attitude recalled his last week on "Hell’s Kitchen", which was filled with a bunch of "I’m too old for this s---" talk. Oh well, at least the blonde streak was gone, making his hair look 80 percent less stupid. Carol also set Danny back temporarily by not cooking the lobster properly, but the problem was quickly fixed.

Over on the red kitchen, Andrea continued to struggle, Lacey felt left out and began to struggle too. Fortunately, Paula began taking command of the kitchen. (I liked Ramsay’s eyes light up when this happened.) Eventually, the team regrouped and started rocking the dinner service.

The problem was that Danny’s team hit its stride too, and actually finished the dinner service before Paula’s. She tried to not act dejected and was encouraged by Ramsay who preached the importance of quality over speed. (Turned out he was just trying to create drama - and it worked.)

After the dinner service, Ramsay (and I) wondered why the past contestants couldn’t cook this well for him. (Apparently, it’s because they’re spirits weren’t constantly being broken last night.) After a lame fakeout, he sent Paula and Danny away as he reviewed the comment cards. After a short while, he called them back to his office and let the winner walk out of the office door that is unlocked.

I wasn’t really surprised that it was Danny, but I was a little disappointed because Paula had become my favorite. I don’t remember her ever embarrassing herself on the show (unless you count faux-flirting with Jean-Philippe) and she never seemed to get caught up in the red team’s drama. Paula kept it real.

Still, I can’t argue with Danny being named the winner. To me he was a little cocky and stubborn at times, but those are probably qualities Chef Ramsay really admires in a young chef. Also, why would he cry about his mom at the end and NOT name his restaurant after her? Despite all that, he excelled throughout the competition.

So congratulations Danny. Obviously, I feel like a massive idiot for predicting you had "No Chance at winning" after your first week. (Though I still stand by the comments I made at the time I made them.) Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go try to remove my foot from my mouth.

So what’d you think of this episode? Why does Ramsay’s office have two doors? Which past winner were you happiest to see? Finally, did Ramsay get it right? (I’m 0 for 3 this week - I wanted Annie Duke to win "Celebrity Apprentice", I wanted Allison to win "Top Model" and I wanted Paula to win "Hell’s Kitchen.")

Lost: He Who Will Save Us All

The opening scene of "The Incident" is the best (not "probably the best" - THE BEST) intro to a "Lost" episode ever.

The first few minutes of the season 5 finale were beautiful, thrilling, cryptic, loaded with subtext and ultimately breathtaking. (How ABOUT that final shot of the four-toed statue?!) It’s no coincidence that these are all adjectives I can easily use to describe "Lost" as a whole. Seriously - I felt a little dizzy as the show’s signature opening graphic creepily lurched toward the front of my TV right before the first commercial break.

Not bad for a scene that basically featured two characters we’d never seen before chatting on a beach.

As I’ve said several times in this space, I’m not smart/hard-working enough to figure out or even hazard an educated guess as to what every detail of this scene (and other "Lost" minutiae) means and its implications heading into the show’s final season. (I’ll let someone MUCH smarter figure that out.) However, I’m more than happy to do my best to talk about my feelings regarding the most epic season finale in a show filled with epic season finales.

For example, maybe if my head hadn’t been spinning so much during that first scene, I would’ve been paying enough attention to figure out the Locke-related twist at the end of the episode. (It was RIGHT. THERE.)

Let’s start with the present (well, 2007 anyway), which featured Illana, Lapidus and the rest of the Shadow of the Statue "good guys" and, more importantly, Locke leading Ben, Richard/Ricky Ricardus, Sun and the Others on a field trip to see/kill Jacob.

All this time we’ve known that John Locke hasn’t quite been himself. That continued in this episode as he continued his march toward killing Jacob. I thought one brief exchange with Ricky Ricardus was interesting if only for the revelation that Jacob is apparently responsible for Richard’s immortality. So why wouldn’t it be possible that he brought Locke back to life? Mostly though (as is usually the case), the best stuff were the exchanges between Ben and Locke.

Watching Ben, the ultimate manipulator (he lies - that’s what he does!), become the manipulatee was satisfying at first. Locke tasked Ben with killing Jacob after finding out that the smoke monster had ordered Ben to do all of Locke’s bidding. This actually rang true for me, given that Locke has displayed a sneaky streak before when it comes to killing other people. (See: tricking Sawyer into killing his dad.) However, when Locke brought up the fact that Ben had been blindly serving Jacob all these years, the one-sided nature of their relationship dawned on Ben and I felt sad for the guy. Through no fault of his own, his father hated him, and when he tried to join a place where he thought he’d be accepted, he took a bullet in the chest from a purple-shirted stranger.

So apparently, what lies in the shadow of the statue is Jacob (or more literally, "He who will save us all", which was Richard’s answer in Latin). Locke and Ben (but not Richard) entered the base of the statue and came face to face with the man himself. Ben angrily asked "what about me?" to which Jacob replied, "What ABOUT you?" This was what pushed Ben over the edge and, judging from Jacob’s not-at-all-annoyed reaction, is exactly what Jacob was counting on. Ben stabbed him and Locked kicked Jacob in the fire.

Oh sorry. Did I not mention the fact that "Locke" isn’t really Locke? Turns out Illana and the good guys have been carrying around Locke’s corpse from the plane all this time and the bald guy who’s been walking around acting cocky is the nameless M.I.B. from the opening scene and who appears to be Jacob’s otherworldly adversary. I’d like to pause for a second to say that I LOVED the tension of Ben not knowing that Locke wasn’t Locke during the scene where he stabbed Jacob. I also HAVE to praise Terry O’Quinn for a great performance. He’s basically been playing someone pretending to be Locke.

Before Jacob died, he told Not-Locke, "They’re coming." Could he be referring to Illana and the good guys, who had just rolled up to the four-toed statue? Through a flashback we learned that Illana probably knew Jacob already (and that he probably healed those nasty injuries she’d incurred with his touch) so it’s certainly possible. Before arriving at the statue, they’d tried looking for him at his cabin, but determined that someone else had been using it before apparently escaping (that would explain the break in the ash circle).

I have to talk about Jacob and the man in black for a second. I thought Mark Pellegrino as Jacob and Titus Welliver as the Man with no Name did a fantastic job in their opening scene of establishing a clear rivalry/fundamental philosophical difference. Also, (aided by Jack Bender, the show’s best director) they gave off this groovy superhuman vibe. The Man with No Name fretted about the impending arrival of a ship - since Jacob was cooking his fish on a black rock, I’ve decided the ship was the Black Rock - while Jacob seemed encouraged about their potential "progress." Things turned dark when No Name asked, "Do you have any idea how much I want to kill you?" and Jacob responded with a cold, "Yes." Apparently, No Name found his loophole. These two could’ve been anyone. A couple of philosophy professors. Brothers. God and the Devil. If something close to the latter is the case, the trick is going to be deciding which is which.

Fortunately, that was far from the last we saw of Jacob. In fact, we watched him as he visited each of our favorite castaways (that are still alive) during key moments in their lives during flashbacks. Well, all the castaways except for one.

The common thread in each of these scenes was that Jacob made sure he made physical contact with each of them before leaving. For the most part, Jacob came off as sympathetic and willing to help the castaways, while always making sure they made their own decisions. (It’s not his fault that Kate still turned out to be a thief or that Sawyer couldn’t get revenge out of his mind). The one exception (and the one scene that REALLY puzzled me last night) was his encounter with Sayid. Jacob seemed to intentionally cause his wife Nadia’s death. Maybe that’s why Sayid later said "there’s no saving me after being mortally wounded." Maybe Jacob determined that Sayid didn’t deserve to be happy. I don’t know, but I’m interested in finding out.

At first, I thought Jacob’s touch was what had originally marked these people to be on Oceanic 815 and summoned them to the Island. However, after Sayid and Hurley’s post-rescue scenes, that theory was shot to hell. (This is why I don’t theorize.) Now it seems more likely Jacob went out of his way to touch the key players who were currently stuck in 1977 and had the Island’s future in their hands. (I also thought it was interesting that, in our minds, Jacob went from a decrepit old man stuck in a rocking chair to a young-ish guy who can leave the Island at will.)

Jack was able to detach just a portion of the H-bomb that he needed. He and Sayid (once again, Richard would not be joining them - OR allowing pregnant Eloise to participate) made their way to the Swan construction site, but engaged in a fire fight on the way with some Dharma dudes that got Sayid shot in the midsection. (Doesn’t feel very good does it?)

At the same time, Juliet had a change of heart and decided to commandeer the sub and try to stop Jack. To be honest, the three-way scenes (hey now!) between Sawyer, Kate and Juliet were a bit of a letdown (too corny and soap opera-y). They were a BIG letdown for Juliet who noticed Sawyer looking at Kate and had to endure their light banter about where the north shore was.

Fortunately, Juliet’s solo scene with Sawyer was brilliant. Through her flashback we saw how she learned the lesson that just because two people love each other, doesn’t mean they’re meant to be together after her parent’s divorce. (Where was Jacob to make it all better?) Her speech to Sawyer after she changed her mind once again and decided to help Jack was well-reasoned, heartbreaking and frustrating. She knew that Sawyer would stay with her (despite the sparks with Kate) because he’s a good man now - but maybe they were never meant to be together.

The scene between Jack and Sawyer was considerably less good. In fact, it was downright bad. Usually it was Jack and Locke who had these season finale debates, but last night it was Jack and Sawyer, who predictably fell into Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em mode. The only thing worse than the fistfight, was Jack’s assertion that he was detonating the bomb because he’d blown it with Kate in the current timeline. I know it was supposed to be romantic, but it just came off as lame, crazy and stupid.

Eventually, Kate got on board with Jack’s plan - she convinced herself that Claire would be ok if the timeline gets rebooted - and eventually had Jack’s back as he dropped the bomb into the drill. Only the bomb didn’t go off. (Nice job, Sayid! Do we think it’s sabotage?) That touched off a major firefight that resulted in Dr. Chang losing that left arm, Radzinsky running away, Phil getting impaled (HA!) and Juliet getting sucked into the electromagnetic vortex. Here’s a quick recap of my reaction to that last event: "NOOOOOOO!!!!!"

When I saw she was still alive down there, I thought "Come on, don’t be cruel writers!" However, it turned out that she survived so she could grab that (black) rock and bang on the bomb until it exploded, leaving us with a blinding white light until next January.

I’m guessing Juliet is done for sure. She conspicuously did not get a visit from Jacob, so she was not a recipient of his healing touch. That touch brought Locke back to life after his dad tossed him out of a window (pictured, right), and I’m guessing it’ll do the same for the rest of our people in 1977.

If I have one complaint about this episode is that I was REALLY hoping for a glimpse, just a LITTLE look into the aftermath of the bomb exploding. I mean, ANY clue at all as to what happened as a result of the potentially history-altering event. I even would’ve taken a confusing scene in which the show cuts to two Portuguese guys at a wintry communication station ala the season 2 finale.

Then again, the ending is kind of terrific because, unlike the brilliant-yet-cruel cut to black in "The Sopranos" series finale, we KNOW that we’re going to find out what happens eventually. The hard part is going to be waiting all these months.

So what’d you think of this episode? If Jacob hasn’t been living in the cabin, who has? (My guess is Christian Shephard, since we KNOW he hangs there.) Who (or what) do you think that Man with No Name is? (Maybe he’s the personification of the smoke monster - I still haven’t gotten over the fact that, when Ben was being judged by Smokey, "Locke" had been conveniently left behind.) Was Bernard and Rose’s reappearance just right or super cheesy? (It was cheesy, but I still liked it - by the way, "30 Rock" was right about black people not aging.) Where the hell was Desmond? Finally, what’s going to happen when the show fades back in from white?

Thanks for watching the show (that was the easy part) and reading my rambling thoughts afterward (DEFINITELY the hard part).

American Idol: Three Men and Four Babies

Wasn’t it nice of the show to throw in some singing in between the judges’ annoying, witless, pointless bickering?

If the unnecessary addition of a fourth person, the ridiculous and thankfully-nixed entrance walk to the table during the early part of the finals or the out-of-control bickering that has caused the live show to routinely go over its 9 p.m. finish (fans who watch "Fringe" on DVR must be REALLY annoyed) wasn’t enough proof that the judges think the show is about them, then last night was the tipping point.

Show of hands - who would rather watch the three talented finalists (pictured, left) do their thing (last year’s Top 3 night gave us nine performances, instead of this year’s six) instead of seeing Kara lamely try to assert herself over Simon, Randy’s never-ending collection of old-lady cardigans and stream of verbal nonsense or Paula play-fighting with Simon? Oh wait - EVERYONE would rather see Adam, Kris and Danny battle it out for a spot in the finals! I mean, even the hometown video packages got shortchanged last night!

Since I just realized that, by dedicating the first three paragraphs of this column to the judges instead of the contestants, I’m perpetuating the problem, let’s move on to the SINGERS. After all, this is a "singing competition", right?

Let’s get Adam out of the way first, since he’s pretty much guaranteed himself a spot in the finals by being the most electrifying "Idol" contestant, maybe, EVER. That being said, the producers weren’t taking any chances. For what seems like the fourth time this season, Adam sang in the cushy last slot. (I mean, even last week after he sang first, Adam ended up singing last due to his duet with Allison.) On top of that, Simon did everything short of filming a "Vote 4 Adam" campaign commercial during his episode-ending comments, since he’s smart enough to know he’s the only judge anybody listens to anyway.

Funnily enough, I wasn’t feeling Adam as much as I have in week’s past. Don’t get me wrong, he was absolutely on point vocally last night (as always). However, I felt his performance of U2’s "One" was a little too bipolar for my taste (the tender opening did NOT go with the predictable craziness that followed). After that, I found myself listening more to his crazy overeager backup singer during "Crying." It’s too bad, because that was my preferred performance of his, and I REALLY liked the subliminal message to Danny Gokey - "THIS is how you do Aerosmith, son!"

Speaking of Danny, his evening encapsulated his entire Top 13 run. He opened with an up-tempo number ("Dance Little Sister") that made him bust out the spastic dance moves yet did little for him vocally. It was basically a (slightly) more competent rehash of his "PYT"/ "September"/ "Get Ready" performances.

For his second song, he took on "You Are So Beautiful." While I’d stop short of calling this a "vocal masterclass" (as Simon did), I thought it was his second best performance after "Come Rain or Come Shine" during Rat Pack week. It also (once again) did JUST BARELY enough to justify the judges’ relentless support for him. Unfortunately, it was another hopelessly outdated and unhip selection (who does he think he is - Scott McIntyre?!) that gave no indication as to what kind of album he would record once this show is over - unless it was an album of Michael Bolton covers.

Of course, future pop-star viability has never been the main criteria for an "Idol" winner. Otherwise, Kris Allen would be the major shoo-in for the finals (yes, even more so than Adam).

His cover of Kanye West’s "Heartless" was one of the boldest performances I’ve seen on the "Idol" stage - especially given how late it is in the competition and given the fact that he needed something big if he wanted to have ANY chance of beating out Danny for a spot in the finals. I say it was bold because, in my personal opinion, this could have easily turned out to be really stupid.

Instead, it turned out to be brilliant. The lack of Auto-tune and Kris’ clear voice helped me pay attention the lyrics for the first time and Kris even had some of the swagger that Simon always says is allegedly missing. Sure, it was still a little weird, but Kris’ performance was audacious and completely relevant.

Basically, it was everything his take on "Apologize" was NOT. I’m just going to ignore Simon and Kara’s immature tiff and instead focus on the fact that Kris’ performance was little more than a copycat-ish, uninspired rehash of the One Republic hit that ended up being slightly worse than the original. While it was stupid for Kara to suggest that he should’ve performed it with his acoustic guitar (why would he want to have TWO acoustic guitar-driven performances back-to-back?) I do think he’s creative enough that he should’ve thrown in some kind of wrinkle.

Overall - through little fault of the contestants involved in the alleged "singing competition" - Top 3 performance night was a bit of a disappointment

So what’d you think of this episode? Did you like the judges’ choices better than the contestants? (I thought the judges’ choices seemed promising, but ended up being a little off) How predictable has Simon’s "brilliant song choice" joke - pertaining to the song he chose - become? Finally, who should join Adam in the finals? (It SHOULD be Kris - but I think it’ll be Danny.)

Dancing with the Stars: Mr. Perfect

No offense to Ty Murray - who might just be the nicest AND funniest guy in the history of "Dancing with the Stars" - but how much better would this final four show have been with Lil’ Kim and Derek?

I couldn’t help but ask myself this as Ty and Chelsie took their victory lap (for them, they’ve WON this show!) in last night’s episode - and as the quality of dancing dropped dramatically whenever they took the floor.

Even with that, the semifinal performance episode of "Dancing with the Stars" featured hometown visits so charming I (mostly) refrained from fast forwarding through them, DVD-like commentary from the couples on their breakout routines and "perfect" dancing. Let’s see how the final four did, in order of appearance.

Melissa Rycroft and Tony: She and Tony ended up having the most boring commentary and, since they went first, I incorrectly assumed the whole thing was going to be a waste of time. Fortunately, things picked up with their quickstep. Len (and I) loved the musicality. And by "musicality", I mean the way their feet touched the ground for each plink of the piano. Bruno and Carrie Ann deemed the routine lovely but not great. I thought it was adorable AND great (to me those two aren’t mutually exclusive) and I may have given it a 30. The hometown package was pretty standard stuff. Unfortunately, the pictures of Melissa doing ballet and in her Dallas Cowboys cheerleading days do nothing to dispel the notion that she’s a ringer. The cha cha was good (nice of Mark to let them borrow his hats), but not great, and slower than most cha chas on this show. Most importantly, Carrie Ann and the rest of the judges are finally vocalizing what I’ve been saying all along - Melissa is a great dancer, but she just doesn’t always seem like she’s INTO the dances. Unlike...

Gilles Marini and Cheryl: They had the most interesting and technical commentary of the night, while also throwing in interesting tidbits you may not have noticed the first time (like Cheryl banging her head on the floor after Gilles "killed" her at the end of their paso doble). World Smooth Champion Jonathan Roberts (that title doesn’t belong to Obama?) stopped by to help Gilles with his waltz, and he was brilliant. Apparently, Cheryl is the picture and Gilles is the frame. I also liked him telling Gilles the most important thing to remember was, um, about 12 different things. The waltz could’ve been boring, but ended up being totally engaging and expertly performed, inciting the world’s first "sit-down standing ovation" from Len. Gilles’ Cannes (like the film festival) hometown package was adorable, especially the friend who ratted him out for imitating Michael Jackson when "he was trendy." I don’t know that I would’ve given his salsa (pictured, right) a perfect score based on technical merit, but I certainly understand why the judges and the audience love it. He did what Melissa doesn’t seem able to do - he completely sold the dance (even if it wasn’t a proper salsa). As a result, Gilles ended up with a 60 (or a 61 if Len had his way) for the night. The only problem is that he’d probably like to have that score NEXT week.

Catherine Zeta-Shawn Johnson and Mark: At first I was disappointed that they chose to showcase Shawn’s paso doble instead of her cha cha as her breakthrough Latin dance, but apparently keeping an angry face throughout an entire dance was a HUGE deal to Shawn, so I’m not going to take that away from her. Her tango was absolutely terrific, and it might’ve actually been my favorite dance of the night so I was happy to see it get a 30. I’m going to stop short of saying that the 17 year old was sexy, so we’ll say she was outstanding and totally believable. That being said, Bruno’s "Cell Block Tango" praise was still super creepy. The hometown visit to West Des Moines (the bad part of Des Moines) was what you’d expect - Shawn was always a bit of a swing-dismantling daredevil. Her jive was oddly lifeless, despite the polka dots and the upbeat nature of the dance. (I saw more emotion from Mark’s pissed off face.) If Shawn makes it to the finals, she’s going to have to watch that she doesn’t give off the complacent vibe she’s been prone to as far as the performance aspect is concerned (technique has never really an issue with her). Overall, I feel good about making her my Ridiculously Early Pick to Win it All based on that Argentine tango alone.

Ty Murray and Chelsie: Watching Ty watch himself and how far he’s come on this show was great. However, ignoring the missed high five at the beginning of their quickstep during their commentary was slightly disappointing. Ty looked good on his waltz from the waist up, but his feet stumbled a little too often. I actually ended up liking his samba a LOT better. (Nice samba roll!) It was a LOT better than I expected. The worst/best(?) part was his attempted butt-shake (I think we know now that Gilles inherited the bionic booty) that simply looked like someone had snuck into his pants and was doing a raspberry. The hometown visit was cool, and maybe we’ll see Chelsie on "Bullriding with the Stars" next season. For the second week in a row, Ty and the judges bid their unofficial goodbyes to each other. I love the guy, but it’s time for him to sit out the finale and let the "better-skilled" dancers do their thing.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is there a cooler title than "World Smooth Champion"? Finally, if Ty was to sneak into the finals, who do you think would be on the outside looking in? (I WOULD say Melissa, but I still feel like ABC has already decided that she’s going to win this thing.)

24: Subway Hero

I f---ing knew it.

About a month ago, when it became clear that Kim Bauer was going to grace us with her presence once again, I worried that she’d be positioned as the helpless victim for Daddy Bauer to save ONCE AGAIN. So when she was actually re-introduced as a potential hero - her DNA could save Jack’s life - I applauded.

Now, as we head into the final two hours of the "Don’t call it a comeba - wait, DO call it a comeback!" season 7, D.C. is finally safe from the threat of the bioweapon, but Kim is in trouble. Of course, there’s always the chance that the writers will keep their promise about not making Kim a victim this time around. So maybe she’ll surprise us and end up kicking (fake)married couple butt.

But I don’t want to get ahead and myself and start blabbing about the season finale - especially not when the latest episode of "24" was so damn exciting.

This episode had it all - bombs, explosions, verbal jabs, actual punches, clandestine meetings in parks, a guy peeing REALLY quickly before being murdered.

The main storyline of the episode, of course, was Jack and Co. trying to stop Tony from scapegoating Jibraan Al-Zarian (pictured, left). At the start of the hour, we learned the plan was to release the bioweapon via subway at the Washington Center Station. Alan and the Moderator (whom we’d learn is named Cara, but who I will continue to call "Moderator" because it’s MUCH cooler) estimated that the bioweapon would kill approximately 10,000 people. (Would there really be THAT many people up and about at 5:30 a.m.?!)

I still thought the plot was relatively weak sauce (at least when compared to an attack on the White House!), but everything ended up playing out in a brilliantly tense way. Tony was talking to Jibraan via earpiece and if he didn’t comply with all of Tony’s commands, his brother would be killed. We all knew Jibraan’s attempts to warn a subway worker would NEVER work (though the "Save the World" poster in the background was a nice touch), but it was still pretty terrifying hearing the (fake) officer order Jibraan to "put the earpiece back in." Eventually, the Moderator - in a silly/fetching dark wig - slipped the duffel bag with the bioweapon into the same subway car as Jibraan and departed, but not before being recognized by the poor sap. (Sidenote: Yeah, right.)

Poor Jibraan. If only he knew his brother was safe and recovering from almost killing the only lead Jack had in tracking Tony down. In a replay from earlier in the year when he coaxed information out of a severely-wounded Dubaku, Jack gruffly ordered the EMT to back up, pressed down on the stab wound, and eventually got the man to call Tony, so that Chloe and Janis could track him down.

Ah, Chloe and Janis. I have no idea what a DMA node or a UMPC is, but it doesn’t matter because Mary Lynn Rajskub and Janeane Garofalo are TOTALLY selling this rivalry. I actually liked seeing Janis stand up to Chloe for her constant condescension, and it was pretty sweet watching Janis shine for a bit. However, the best part was Chloe telling Janis what we in the audience already know - if she was looking for some sort of validation, she was looking in the wrong place.

With their help, Jack eventually found Tony, crashed into his van and pummeled him before bitterly calling him a piece of crap. Tony had tried to destroy his portable computer, but the FBI was able to get the information they needed (thanks Janis). On top of that, Jack was able to directly communicate with Jibraan and tell him to locate the duffel bag with the weapon.

This led to (maybe) the most exciting sequence of the season. Jibraan grabbed the bag and had 90 seconds to get outside and meet up with Jack. A fellow passenger (am I the only one who thought he was part of Tony’s crew?) pointed Jibraan out to a cop, so Jibraan had no choice but to whip the bomb out and brandish it as all hell broke loose. As he made his way outside, I thought anything was in play. I thought he might get tackled. I thought he would be shot. I thought the bomb would go off. Instead, he made it outside and met up with Jack, who stopped the authorities from blasting Jibraan and safely tossed the bioweapon in the Hazmat truck just before it detonated. Great job by the "24" team in staging a terrific action sequence that somehow didn’t feel exploitative. And, SIGH.

Except that now Jack has to break Tony out of custody because the Moderator and her people have Kim in their sights. The little Bauer was about to hop a flight back to L.A., but it was delayed. Her doctor boyfriend told her to maybe take it as a sign that she was supposed to save her dad, but Kim still seemed hesitant.

As she waited, Kim spied a creepy guy who was not-so-discreetly keeping an eye on her, so she went and sat with a friendly married couple. This being "24", you had to figure the guy watching Kim so overtly wouldn’t be a bad guy. He turned out to be in the employ of Jack, who wanted to make sure Kim got on her plane ok. By contrast, the friendly husband murdered Jack’s guy (who went from playing one of the big villains on "The Shield" to being murdered in five minutes on "24") in the men’s room, and returned to keep on eye on Kim.

I know I complained about Kim once again being in peril. However, I’ll give the show some slack because maybe Kim will surprise us and kick some ass (for the first time) next week. (She IS a former CTU agent.) On top of that, saving Kim’s life isn’t just about Jack saving his daughter this time around - she might be the only one who could keep our hero going.

One of the most impressive things about "24" this year is that the subplots have (mostly) been as gripping as the main storyline. Bringing Aaron into Olivia Taylor’s ongoing meltdown was a brilliant move and a great way to connect her plight to the show’s past by involving a beloved supporting character.

Turns out that Olivia’s contact Martin (I like this character) was the one who had ordered the hit on Jonas Hodges, despite the fact that Olivia never wired the money to the hitman. Martin told the hitman to go through with it because Olivia had so thoroughly convinced him she was capable of murder and because he knew she was good for the money. Oops. So to recap, Olivia is responsible for a murder she ended up not wanting to commit AND she still had to pay the $250,000. Not a good night for Jr. Ms. Taylor.

Aaron was annoyed that Olivia had once again slipped through his clutches, especially when she and the other 10 people who knew Hodges was alive were being questioned. She gave a thoroughly convincing speech (seriously, I bought it and I KNOW she was full of it) about needing to get away for a few minutes because of the pressure. Fortunately, since Aaron is awesome, he smelled a rat and called former Chief of Staff Ethan and asked him if the recording device in his office was still active. Now Ethan is on his way to the White House to uncover the damning evidence. Again, not a good night for Jr. Ms. Taylor.

So what’d you think of this episode? What does Jack have against EMTs? (He could be firm, yet respectful.) What’s going to happen to Olivia? If this evil organization is so smart, why did they only leave themselves one bio weapon canister to play with? (And now THAT got foiled.) Finally, is Tony, really, for sure, 100% bad? (My heart says no, but my brain and common sense says, HELL YES.)

X-Men Origins: Wolverine Review

My expectations were pretty low heading into "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" and the movie managed to both deliver and disappoint. (Oh well. At least my mom really liked it during our Mother's Day outing. Then again, maybe she just liked the part where Wolverine ran around naked for a few minutes.)The movie is a prequel to the "X-Men" series that director Bryan Singer started (and that really kicked off the blockbuster comic book hero adaptation boom) in the early part of this decade and tells the origin story of James Howlett, the little mutant who would grow up to become Wolverine (Hugh Jackman).

At least, it’s SUPPOSED to give us the backstory of how Wolverine got to be the adamantium-covered icon he’s become.

Other than a clever opening-credits sequence that neatly sums up about 100 years of Wolverine’s life with half-brother Victor Creed (Live Schreiber), the movie seems more concerned with showing Hugh Jackman shirtless, (hello ladies - and guys) having Wolverine ride away from explosions in slow motion, and hastily introducing comic book characters of varying degrees of popularity (hey, there’s the Blob!) before doing away with them (oh, he’s gone).

These include a wiseass-y Ryan Reynolds as Wade Wilson, (gone WAY too soon - what a tease!) John Wraith (played by a not-terrible Will.I.Am), and Gambit ("Friday Night Lights" Taylor Kitsch in a crowd-pleasing, yet forced and underwritten appearance).

In trying to give us Wolverine’s backstory, introducing (semi)popular characters into this storyline AND giving us a peek at mutants from the original "X-Men" movies, this film just tries to do too much and eventually collapses under its own weight as any sort of legitimate flick.

However, it makes for a pretty entertaining dumb action flick.

It’s no secret that Hugh Jackman loves playing Wolverine, and he once again makes for a completely credible action hero now that he’s been given a canvass to kick even more ass than usual. Since Jackman is a very good actor, I was a little disappointed to see that this opportunity was used more to show off his biceps than to showcase his dramatic chops and have him really explore the character. Focusing on the action stuff is also dramatically foolish because a) we KNOW he’s not going to die and b.) the fact that he literally can’t get hurt takes some zing away from some of the fight scenes.

Fortunately, the movie has Schreiber as half-brother Victor Creed (aka the future Sabretooth). At first, I didn’t think Schreiber LOOKED enough like Sabretooth and I feared the indie-friendly actor might mail in his performance, but I should’ve known better. Schreiber’s a pro and he ends up being the best thing in the movie by far. He’s genuinely scary as Creed (no small feat as he’s sharing the screen with the imposing Jackman) and generally appears to be acting in a better, more interesting movie.

I wish I could say the same for Danny Huston, as Gen. Wiliam Stryker, the man who recruits Wolverine and Creed into an elite mutants-only squad and eventually gives Wolverine his "Extreme Makover: Adamantium Edition." Stryker has the potential to be an interesting character, but Huston is mostly given nothing to do - and does nothing with it. Faring only slightly better is Lynn Collins as Wolverine’s love interest whose murder spurs him to yell into the sky dramatically and vow revenge against his brother.

Still, I have to give credit to director Gavin Hood (in his first big budget feature) for staging some fun, ridiculous action scenes. I usually don’t favor actions sequences that look more like ballets and have a general disregard for the laws of physics (unless they take place inside a Matrix and there’s an explanation) but some of the stuff Hood comes up with is genuinely good. Then again, some of the stuff he comes up with is also really stupid. And I’m not just talking about the action sequences - this is one of those movies that gets worse then more you think about it, not better - so just don’t think about it.

Obviously, not every movie has to be Oscar-bait - this is especially true in the case of a big-budget, comic book action movie like "Wolverine." However, after stuff like "The Dark Knight", "Iron Man" and even Jackman’s own "X2: X-Men United" that genuinely elevated the genre, it’s somewhat disappointing to see "Wolverine" take the dumb, simplistic approach.

Then again, not every superhero movie needs to have an unwilling hero at its center, fretting about his destiny - sometimes it’s fun to watch a guy blow stuff up and walk away in slow motion.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine...C+

Desperate Housewives: Face Facts

With one week to go until the season finale, I expected the latest episode of "Desperate Housewives" to really come out blazing and try its hardest to get us pumped for the show’s last original installment until it comes back in the fall.

Despite two wedding announcements involving major characters, this wasn’t really the case. In fact, the housewives were mostly operating independently from each other - the show at its worst, in my opinion - and a few of the storylines seemed to be one-episode wonders (not usually the case when you’re building toward a finale).

All that being said, I actually liked this ep and a big reason for that is that it somehow made me care about the Dave Williams storyline. Kinda.

Ok, so maybe the episode itself didn’t do a great job of advancing the season-long mystery - I’m more intrigued by the computer clip of Dave confessing to M.J.’s murder in the previews for next week’s episode.

Last night we got Dave not-so-subtlely pumping Jackson for information about what he remembered from the nightclub fire since Jackson was slated to be interviewed by the police. Dave learned about Jackson and Susan’s sham marriage and Jackson’s immigration situation after he was on the phone with Katherine and he overheard her and Susan talking about it. Although no normal person would leave a live phone within earshot while they’re having a conversation with another person (either hang up or put the phone face down or out of earshot!) Dave had the information he needed to get rid of his potential problem.

I’m not sure that immigration people would come to a person’s house and take someone like Jackson (who’s not a criminal) away like they’re the police, but then again I’m in this country legally. Either way, I liked the scene where Dave was revealed to be the culprit behind Jackson’s apparent deportation. Although it was pretty obvious in hindsight that Dave was to blame, I like how the camera lingered on Mike for a second before focusing on Dave in the background. It was a shame for Susan - who seemed like she was about to reconnect with Jackson through their fake marriage (an interesting concept) - but this country did NOT need any more men with girly hair, so I’m not too upset.

The reason I thought (for a second) it might be Mike is because the show finally acknowledged what we’ve all known for a while - this fool’s still in love with Susan.

After finding out about Susan’s (faux) engagement, Mike was visibly perturbed and Katherine was (amusingly) ecstatic because Susan was now off the market. A little while later, Mike tried to charmingly ask Katherine to marry him, but it came off more awkward. I don’t so much blame the writers for this as I do the fact that James Denton is an incredibly wooden, charm-free actor. (At least he looks good with his shirt off!)

I don’t know what was more "Desperate": Katherine happily accepting Mike’s panic proposal, or the fact that she’s doing everything in her power (paying Susan’s alimony?!) to keep it intact even AFTER she found out it was a panic proposal. Sure, this is a different Katherine from the fierce survivor we saw last season, but at least Dana Delany is getting SOMETHING to do. Either way, I’m actually looking forward to seeing how this plays out now that Jackson’s (temporarily) out of the picture and Mike is still engaged to Katherine.

However, the thing I’m really looking forward to seeing in next week’s finale (and beyond) is the budding Bree/Karl partnership. When I first heard about this potential coupling - and after watching them last week - I was a little iffy. It kind of felt like the show was randomly throwing these two characters together for some cheap "Odd Couple" laughs.

One week later, I’m totally sold. I liked the 40’s film noir/screwball comedy vibe the two had going in their first scene when Karl convinced Bree to stage a break into her own house to protect her assets. The actual break-in (wipe your feet please) was even better. Finally, the speech at the end from Karl to Bree about how she would never end up alone because she was a great catch was touching - until Karl had to go and "Karl" it up by adding that Bree wasn’t one of the "ugg-os" that was going to end up alone, dead, and eaten by cats.

It really seems like these two are headed toward a hookup, but it doesn’t appear to be happening in next week’s finale, so I’m looking forward to seeing how Susan deals with ANOTHER one of her friends potentially shacking up with one of her exes next season. This also confirmed something I've believed for years: Karl is about 40 times more interesting than Mike. (Thanks for bringing Richard Burgi back, writers!)

Before that Bree is going to have to deal with Orson, who found out about the staged break-in after discovering the storage unit where his soon-to-be ex wife had stashed the stuff. Orson seemed genuinely hurt, but I’m fresh out of the sympathy the show tried to drum up for him in last night’s episode by recalling happier times in their marriage. This is a guy who stole from his wife’s friends to humiliate her, and who tried to get her to quit doing what she loved out of malice. I’m just DONE with Orson (which is too bad, because I thought they were a hilariously WASPy couple at the start).

The other two storylines in the episode didn’t seem to have anything to do with the upcoming finale, but at least one of them was entertaining.

Of course, I’m talking about the ongoing exploits between Lynette and Tom (pictured, left), who wanted to get a facelift to look younger after he had trouble getting a job (Twitter strikes again!) and after he ran into a surgically-enhanced college roommate (yes, Lynette, they were in the same class). As usual, this was a really stupid idea by Tom (why not just Botox?) but it still led to a hilarious sequence when Lynette invited a recently facelifted co-worker named Bruce/Joker who looked like Joan Rivers’ long-lost son. It also led to a touching speech by Lynette in which she called the wrinkles on Tom’s face the "map of our marriage." Then again, the speech would’ve been even more touching if Felicity Huffman’s face didn’t look so obviously pulled back as well. It wasn’t Bruce-bad, but it was still distracting!

Finally, there was Gabby who ran into the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come in a soup kitchen in the person of a formerly rich housewife who lost everything when her hubby died. Gabby was in the soup kitchen to teach a spoiled Juanita (I wonder where she gets it?!) a lesson about humility. Sure, the woman’s story was heartbreaking (for a character we don’t know) and her lesson was an important one for Gabby to hear. However, this was yet ANOTHER variation on "The New and Improved Solises", in which Gabby and/or Carlos (usually just Gabby) act like beasts until they realize said beastly behavior is what led to their downfall in the first place. I like that they’re good people now, but it’s not the most dramatically interesting situation. Give Gabby a storyline where she can use her conniving skills without impunity - at least for a little while.

So what’d you think of this episode? Does Susan ever wear a shirt that DOESN’T feature a surprising amount of cleavage? (I guess if you’ve got it, you gotta flaunt it!) Do you really think the writers will have Lynette’s cancer return? (They wouldn’t dare, would they?!) Will Mike marry Katherine? Finally, do you think a regular character will be killed off? (Crossing my fingers for Orson.)

Chicago at the Mahaffey Theatre Review

I think the Oscar-winning 2002 film adaptation of "Chicago" is the best movie musical from the past 20 years.

(Sorry, "Moulin Rouge" fans - the movie turns out to be terrific, but the first 20 minutes are a scorching hot mess and almost impossible for anyone who’s watching the movie for the first time to follow without activating the subtitles on the DVD. However, I’m more than willing to hear your own nominees ["Sweeney Todd"? "South Park"?] for the crown in the comments if you want to talk about it.)

After finally seeing the show on stage at the Mahaffey Theatre in St. Petersburg two weeks ago, I’m even more impressed by the movie. Rob Marshall - who has an extensive stage background - directed the film adaptation and brought a lot of visual touches from the original stage show (which I can now appreciate) without ever having the movie feel like it was trapped by the Broadway production. More importantly, screenwriter Bill Condon came up with the genius conceit of the musical numbers taking place inside of Roxie Hart’s head to explain why the hell people were bursting out into song.

But enough about the movie, I’m here to talk about the impressive stage production I saw recently.

In case you don’t know, "Chicago" is the John Kander/Fred Ebb Broadway music set during the Prohibition era in the titular city. It tells the satirical story of two fame-hungry murderesses and the sleazy lawyer that gets the public to love them. The Broadway musical debuted in 1975, but the show is still absolutely relevant today, which explains why the 1996 edition holds the record for longest-running revival in Broadway history.

The production we saw featured some truly stunning performances. No wonder since, as I flip through my program here, I see that most of the cast has done "Chicago" on Broadway and in Europe. My girlfriend Erica and I caught a Sunday afternoon performance in a theatre that was about half empty (good news for us because we got to sit closer, baseball game-style!). However, the performances on stage - which COULD have been phoned in - were most certainly not.

My favorite actor was Bryn Dowling as Roxie Hart, who brought expert playfulness, cluelessness and skill to the role of a wannabe. Terra MacLeod, on the other hand, was more of a force of nature as the divalicious Velma Kelly. Still, I think she could’ve gone even bigger in the role and made the character a truly enviable, don’t-EVER-take-your-eyes-off-me presence. Jason Patrick Sands made for a wonderfully sleazy (and unexpectedly dark) Billy Flynn, while still keeping just enough enough charm.

The lead actors also had terrific support. Ron Orbach was utterly heartbreaking and charming in the heartbreaking and charming role of Amos Hart (though I may be biased, since "Mr. Cellophane" is my favorite song in the musical). Meanwhile, Carol Woods was the first person to truly bring the house down (and people to their feet) with her roof-rattling rendition of "When You’re Good to Mama."

The rest of the ensemble was also impressive and the pace was brisk throughout. I also loved how the orchestra conductor as incorporated into the storyline a few times.

My only complaint about the show is that, unless you knew the show’s storyline, it was kind of difficult to follow what was happening. (A slight case of "Moulin Rouge"-itis.) Scenes sometimes jarringly transitioned from one to the next and, since most of the ensemble was dressed in all black, sometimes it was hard to distinguish between the minor characters.

Overall, it was fun to see one of my favorite movie musicals on stage in a production that featured a couple of great performances.

Chicago...A-

Hell's Kitchen: It Takes Two

There’s just not that much to say about the latest episode of "Hell’s Kitchen", which was the first half of the two-part finale.

Of course, being a semi-veteran "Hell’s Kitchen" watcher, I knew that would be the case going in. Unfortunately, that also meant I was also able to telegraph almost everything about the hour.

I knew the first 10 or so minutes would be a pure recap of the season (I eyeballed the little cursor on my DVR, and the new material didn’t even start until that cursor was at least a fifth of the way along the DVR ruler bar.) After that waste of time, I knew the two finalists would be flown to the location of the restaurant they’d soon be "running" and "surprisingly" forced to cook a meal for a few fellow chefs and maybe an executive. I also knew John Janavs, the "Hell’s Kitchen" designer, would discreetly roll his eyes at least a few times as the finalists described their ideas for the dining room, and that one of the finalists would come up with a truly tacky concept (congrats, Danny!). Finally, I knew the hour would end with the cliffhanger of former contestants returning to hurt/help Danny and Paula’s chances to win the whole thing.

I swear I’m not trying to sound like a know-it-all. These are all things you knew too if you’ve watched this show in any of the previous seasons. In fact, my favorite thing about this episode is that I knew all these things coming in, so I WASN’T disappointed when the show inevitably left us hanging.

The show’s producers did their best to try to conjure up some drama. For example, they tried to make us think that Danny and Paula had gotten so wasted on champagne that they’d be unable to perform the next morning. I was also picking up the vibe that Paula was intentionally trying to drink Danny under the table. However, other than a few bleary looks in the morning (that we ALL get) nothing came of this.

Then there was the redesign of "Hell’s Kitchen" with Danny and Paula each getting the opportunity to make over one half of the dining room. Again, other than a few "are you kidding me?" reaction shots by the designer, there wasn’t much to see here other than Danny’s misguided 3D-mounted fish on the wall later in the episode.

As a result, the show decided to stir the pot by having the finalists fly out to Atlantic City in the middle of the redesign, leaving their family members (and Danny’s "chick") in charge. While I was glad to see the family members back (they were there for about 15 seconds in their previous visit) it felt like Janavs was actively refusing to incorporate some of Danny and Paula’s ideas just to create tension within the family members. I have no idea whether this was actually the case or not, but the fact that it "felt" that way is not good.

In Atlantic City, the chefs met the Borgata’s chief executive and were tasked with whipping up a meal for him and two other noted chefs to taste. This being "Hell’s Kitchen," the challenge came down to the wire, with the executive having to decide if he liked Danny’s seared filet of beef or Paula’s sea bass. Since the executive is a relative layman (he doesn’t have the same palate an experienced chef does) I figured Danny’s meat and potatoes would appeal more to him and I was right. Danny was the challenge winner. Though the reward wasn’t announced, we all knew it’d be first pick among the soon-to-return losers.

I’ll give the episode credit for one thing. The way the returning contestants were revealed was awesomely bad/funny/disturbing in the best possible way. Here I just figured Ben, Andrea, Carol, Giovanni, LA, and Lacey’s PICTURES would be under those domes. Great job by the show in giving us an image that has the potential to haunt our collective nightmares.

Danny had first pick and selected Ben. Paula used her first round selection on Andrea. Personally, I would’ve picked Giovanni first overall. Despite going home before Ben and Andrea, Gio seems like a more solid chef overall and the victim of ONE really bad week. Ben and Andrea, to me, have WAY too much trainwreck potential to be picked first.

Since Paula was stuck with the last pick, she was stuck with Lacey. Ugh. Just hearing her annoying voice ("I’m back bitches" is WAY overplayed, no?) made a little piece of my soul die The final teams were Danny, Ben, Giovanni and Carol (who couldn’t help but get in a subtle swipe at her nemesis Andrea by saying she was sure she was going to be picked before her). They’ll be squaring off against Paula, Andrea, LA, and Lacey.

That’ll be the matchup heading into the finals. As I said last week, I like Paula a little better, but I think Danny will win (despite the fact that he came off a touch clueless last night). If the show was going to waste our time last night, I kind of wish they would’ve showcased these two likable finalists beyond having them say generic variations of "I worked really hard to get here" and "I really want it."

This show was so boring that I didn’t even mention Chef Ramsay until this sentence.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is it even possible to get "wasted" on champagne? Is it just me or does Paula’s team really suck? Doesn't "Velvet Hammer" (Danny's idea for a restaurant name) sound like the name of a pimp? (I hope he goes with "Susan Marie," named after his dearly-departed momma.) Finally, who do you like in the finale and did your opinion of who’s going to win change after last night’s episode?