American Idol: Miami Nice

Wednesday's episode of "American Idol" in Miami was sort of a bizarro version of Tuesday night's edition in Omaha.

First off, you had the razzle-dazzle of Miami — nice use of the "Miami Vice" font and music for the "American Idol" title card — contrasted with Omaha, which I'm sure has very nice beaches (then again, maybe not). At least Paula was wearing her best beachy wear in Miami, prompting Simon to call her short dress "very slutty", while somehow managing to make it sound less like an insult and more like a compliment (that's why he makes the big bucks).

Most notably, the two shows were different because, while I saw at least two people with superstar potential emerge from the Omaha auditions, I didn't see anybody I'd really care to see too much of again.

That is, except for Syesha Mercado (the winner for "Coolest Name of the Night") and her strong, sassy rendition of Aretha Franklin's "Think/Freedom". The interview with her former drug addict dad (who clearly didn't want to be on camera) was a bit awkward, but her solid singing made up for it.

Also, look out for Natasha Blach, who turned in a nice, low-key and lovely "At Last." I really wish the episode had dedicated more time to her than to that idiot in the white suit at the very end of the episode (who I won't even refer to by name). I liked single mom Suzanne Toon. Sure her audition with "I Can't Make You Love Me" wasn't spectacular, but she's got an interesting, different-sounding voice. Plus, like the judges, I just like her.

Finally, I wasn't so much amused by the antics of large and in charge friends (pictured, left, with Simon) Corliss Smith —who likes her men big like Randy — and Brittany Wescott —who liked her guys skinny, like Simon (apparently) —as I was pleasantly surprised that they could both sing. I especially enjoyed Corliss' jazzy tone on "Take Five", though Brittany's "My Guy" was also more than good enough to earn her golden ticket to Hollywood.

Other than that — and Richard Valles' funny, nasaly audition — the hour was just a big plate of mediocre. Seriously, the most interesting part of the episode will be when I go through the tape frame by frame during crowd shots to see if I can spot my girlfriend Erica, who auditioned in Miami. The judges seemed like they were being WAY too nice and let some of the mediocre pass through to Hollywood while sending too few home.

The latter group included the first person to audition Shannon McGough and her colorful outfit. What we found out about Shannon is that she works as a meat grinder (insert countless "she handles meat" jokes) and that she's a disgustingly loud belcher (kind of a turn off for me). Her belching was almost as loud as her Janis Joplin audition which was WAY too much. Also not making the cut was 16-year-old former American Juniors contestant Julie Dubela who doesn't know the meaning of the word precocious I don't mean to make her sound badass — she really doesn't know what it means. Her audition wasn't terrible — just not good enough, and she had a meltdown that went on way too long when the judges accused her of acting the entire time (to be fair, young Julie probably doesn't even realize she's acting).

This segment was sort of redeemed by the producers cruelly interspersing her American Juniors performance with her current meltdown and by both McGough and Dubela saying they were done with "American Idol" (Dubela even told us not to watch anymore).

As for the mediocre that got through, no one personified that more than Ghaleb Emachah. The dude looks like Antonio Banderas in the mid-90s and delivered a painfully subpar version of Marc Anthony's "You Sang to Me." Still, the judges let him through because — well, I'm not really sure why they let him through. If they had some sort of Hispanic quota to fill, I'm sure they could've found dozens of more talented guys in MIAMI. Or at least some guys that are at least 80% less cheesy. There's no chance in hell this guy makes it past Hollywood week (right?!)

The rest of the golden ticket recipients were of the good-but-not-great variety — each of whom (ooh, I got to use "whom" in a column) were interesting for a reason other than their singing. This includes former boy band member Robbie Carrico who was interesting because of his scruffiness, Ramiele Malubay, who was interesting because of how short she is (and how Simon butchered her name) and Ylsy Lorena Pinto, who was more interesting because — actually, I don't remember anything about her other than she sang the one Rihanna song that isn't "Umbrella".

So what'd you think of this episode? Did Miami disappoint for you too in the talent department? Also, be honest: you completely forgot that American Juniors had existed too, didn't you?

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Bit Players

Last night's episode of Nip/Tuck was kind of boring. Well, as boring as an episode which prominently featured cannibalism can possibly be.

I guess going to Hannibal Lecter-land was one of the few places the show hadn't explored yet, and it did so last night when a recently-wed couple came in for a consult. The husband first claimed that there were significant chunks of his arm missing due to the car accident he and his wife had been in during their honeymoon. But I (and I suspect, you) knew better, especially when they had mentioned spending 10 days trapped in the snow. We all saw "Alive" in our high school English class (maybe that was just me). The hubby had cut off pieces of his flesh, cooked them with the car's lighter (yum) and fed them to his wife to keep her alive.

I can't remember whether he said he'd eaten some of himself, himself (if not, what did the husband eat). To me, that's slightly grosser than forcing your wife to eat you to keep her alive (a front-runner for the weirdest sentence I've written all year). Anyway, the wife later tried to return the favor leading to her husband getting a serious infection when she forgot to cook her own flesh with a car lighter (duh!) before feeding it to him.

I'm not really sure what the point of this storyline was. I liked Sean telling the couple that if they could survive their ordeal, their marriage could survive anything, and I expected that to somehow mirror his relationship with Julia. However, Julia (and Olivia, and Matt, and Kimber, and Rachel, etc.) were all missing from this episode, so this storyline felt a little hollow.

Of course, the couple weren't Sean's only patients last night, as his obviously-obsessed with him agent Colleen (pictured, with Sean) dropped in for some foot surgery. While she was under, Sean was wood by Creative Artists Agency (or "Caw" as Colleen knows them). Sure, it was slightly funny and amusing (if not a bit predictable of what an agent is supposed to act like) to see the super agents march into McNamara/Troy, but a lot things about this storyline just don't work.

I get that it's supposed to be a satire of how shallow Hollywood is and how they can turn anyone into a star, but the fact that Sean is now headlining a major TV show is still stretching credibility to its limits. Also, how can Colleen be a real and effective agent (she DID do great work for Sean last week) one minute, and then be painted as a complete amateur and loser the next. She didn't even know what CAA was — even I know what CAA is.

The storyline produced one disturbing scene when teddy bear enthusiast Colleen — who presented Sean with a funny bear that said "Tell me what you don't like about yourself — killed CAA's lead agent by, in effect, making him a teddy bear (the way she replaced his eyes was particularly creepy). I don't really get how she can kill a guy who's supposed to be such a big deal (I can see Sean buying the "he's in Darfur" story, but no his colleagues) be killed with no one batting an eye. Maybe it'll come next week. Also, the scene where she kills him would've been a lot more chilling if we gave a damn about either character.

Then there was Christian, still mourning the death of Gina. Well, actually the problem was that he wasn't mourning the death of Gina, and spent the entire episode experiencing a mixture of denial (he refused to tell Wilber that she was dead) and guilt because, you know, he kinda killed her (despite the fact that it's apparent it was an accident). This storyline also confirmed that Wilber IS still in the picture (we're still awaiting confirmation on whether Sean's deformed son Conor still exists).

Although we all love to see Christian have fun, I like when Julian McMahon gets to act, and the sequence when he imagines himself telling Wilber the truth ("Is mommy a skank?") was one of the episode's best. This show is so twisted that I actually was only about 85% sure he was imagining this.

The episode's highlight was definitely Gina's funeral where her former Sex Anonymous cronies showed up to give her the most twisted yet genuine tributes (her blow and rim job skills were apparently remarkable). The scene also had an unexpected emotional moment when the man who gave her AIDS spoke up and mentioned how Gina had forgiven him because it forced her to change the way she lived her life. Thank God she changed the way she lived her life because otherwise she wouldn't be paying hookers to have sex with a man in a relationship while she watches.

There was also a minor subplot in which it was thought that Wilber was acting out at school to his mother's absence by biting his fellow students. As soon as we saw the kindly teacher was under 60 years old and under 200lbs, we knew Christian would sleep with her. Of course, it turned out that she was the one who was biting kids, as she took a chunk out of Christian during sex. He had her fired, but couldn't have her arrested since he capped her teeth and I wondered what the point of all of this was.

So what'd you think of this episode? Were you as underwhelmed as I was? Did you miss any of the regular (or semi-regular) characters? Will we see the freaky deaky teacher again? Finally, how long till Colleen COMPLETELY flips out on Sean? (I've got next week)

American Idol: A Couple of Favorites Emerge in Omaha

Maybe it was just me, but I felt like last night's episode just wasted a lot of time.

I'm not saying the episode itself was a waste of time because, during the show's first trip to Nebraska, I saw two of the season's best contestants, but there were definitely a few times during last night's episode when I found my eyes drifting down to the VCR clock (yes, I still own a VCR!). And I'm a patient viewer and don't consider myself a clockwatercher — mostly because I stubbornly refuse to wear my reading glasses at home and trying to read the time hurts my eyes.

For example, I couldn't help but notice that the show dedicated the first 10 minutes — or 1/6 or (lemme get the calculator out) 16% — of the episode to "American Idol/Kelly Clarkson" fanatic Chris Bernheisel. I get that he was amusing, he seemed like a genuinely sweet guy and maybe the presents that he brought for the three judges (though Paula was absent) endeared him to the show's producers who granted him more screentime. Still, the segment went on WAY too long, and by the time he actually performed — a ridiculous-yet-forgettable screechy rendition of "Since U Been Gone" f. A Handstand — it all amounted to waste of time.

I mean, if we're going to dedicate a decent portion of one episode to one guy, have him be REALLY funny, or a really good singer, or a really bad singer. Bernheisel was none of those things and, unfortunately, I suspect we haven't seen the last of this gentleman because Simon all but decreed that he would be covering the finale for the local Fox affiliate.

Things didn't really get much better later once Paula joined them, and Simon stopped "flirting" with Randy via a mildly funny, but unnecessary bit where Simon complimented Randy's purple glasses (I get it — it's funny because they're talking like they're gay).

Sure we saw a couple of successful auditions, but I found each to be completely underwhelming. For example, before Paula rejoined them, I'm still trying to figure out why the judges let Jason Rich through to Hollywood after he gagged on the lyrics to "When You Say Nothing At All" multiple times. Actually, I know why they let him through — because he's good looking and very marketable as the hot country guy. Still, once he got his act together, it's not like he blew anybody away. Same deal with the over-the-top Rachael Wicker who seemed to want to arm-wrestle everybody (including Seacrest and Paula) looked like a weird cross between Erin Brockovich and Angela from "The Office" and, as Simon pointed out, sounded like someone who was 50 years older than her actual age of 23.

After glancing at my clock again, I noted that it was the 30-minute mark and I didn't care for a single one of these contestants. No one was either truly great or truly terrible. Fortunately, the show slightly snapped me out of my haze when Seacrest and Paula swapped places (I loved Simon telling Paula "Go be insincere for five minutes").

Turns out that while Ryan was judging the producers sent in Samantha Sidley (pictured, left), the first knockout performer of the night. She sounded great, silky smooth and fresh singing Norah Jones' "Don't Know Why" that it actually annoyed me a bit that her audition may have gotten lost in the middle of all the judging shenanigans. After Ryan suggested that she work on the way she swung her arms from side to side during the performance, he was ridiculed by the judges, who went on to tell Samantha that she needs to work on her performance skills.

Of course, that was followed up by glimpses of three successful and promising-sounding successful auditions — Denise Jackson, Elizabeth Erkert and Michael Sanfilippo — I wished I'd seen instead of Johnny Escamilla and his gold shirt. As my girl Erica pointed out, his first note was fine — everything else was a disaster. He should've quit after that first note.

Just as I was drifting away again — we sat through a truly weird performance from former pro-wrestler "Lady Morgue" Whitaker (who is a screamer) and talented mimic, but okay singer Angelica Puente (the token "my family doesn't believe in my singing dream" girl — I snapped back into it again when David Cook showed up.

Sure, he was another Idol archetype — the rocker who auditions for "Idol" while risking ridicule from his bandmates — but his clear, fresh take on "Livin' on a Prayer" was a definite highlight last night. If I had to actually put money on any one guy making it to the top 24, my cash would be on this guy.

The show closed with the extremely likable (even Simon couldn't help gushing about how likable he was) Leo Marlowe turning in an extremely likable rendition of "A Song for You." His performance wasn't mind-blowing, but I can certainly see people warming to this guy. Also, Marlowe won the coveted "Coolest Name of the Night" award (he sounds like a private eye.)

So what'd you think of this episode? Could YOU beat Ryan Seacrest in an arm-wrestling match? (Actually, who couldn't?) Did you see the same star potential I saw in Nebraska? Did you notice how the show didn't really suffer at all when Paula wasn't there? (what would've happened if Randy and Simon disagreed on a candidate?) Finally, what other not-quite-a-metropolis city should "Idol" mine for talent?

Cloverfield Review

It's basically "The Blair Witch Project" with a budget.

I know a lot of people put a lot of work into this film, but, yes, sometimes you can just break a movie down into one sentence.

Both "Blair Witch" and "Cloverfield" used largely unknown actors and operated under the device that the story was being told through video footage that has been found afterward.

"Blair Witch" invented a realistic-sounding legend and made us think its story might be real, while "Cloverfield" piqued our interest by seemingly coming out of nowhere (with an untitled teaser trailer) and a great poster (pictured, right).

The reason I've spent the first three paragraphs talking about the marketing of these two movies is because each film will be remembered more for their ingenious advertising campaign than for the movies themselves.

As you may have seen from the commercials, "Cloverfield" shows us a monster attack in New York City from the perspective of a group of twenty-somethings and their video camera. Then,...well that's pretty much it.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. Producer J.J. Abrams was interested in making a monster movie and he mostly succeeds in telling a familiar story in a different and interesting way. There have been reports of people literally getting sick from the film's shaky camera movements, but, what can I say? I've never ever been physically affected by shaky cam (also featured in the "Bourne" movies) and I feel bad for people who are.

Of course, the downside of such a simplistic approach is that we don't really get to know (or care about) the main characters too much. In the beginning, we meet Rob (Michael Stahl-David) and Beth (Odette Yustman) who meet back up at Rob's going-away party before he goes to Japan (Godzilla reference?) The two become separated and Rob (and a few friends) spends a good portion of the film trying to see if she is ok.

Again, not terribly complicated stuff. There are a few funny lines mixed in, mostly courtesy of camera operator Hud (T.J. Miller) and director Matt Reeves does a nice job lulling the audience to sleep with a good party vibe before the monster attacks. I thought the obnoxiousness of this group of 20-somethings was a bit over the top, until a group of obnoxious 20-somethings walked into the movie 20 minutes after it started and began acting exactly like the characters on screen.

I also didn't mind at all that the monster and its origins remain mostly a mystery. I don't need a scene of a guy in a white lab coat explaining what happened, and I liked the idea of only following these survivors point of view (ala Spielberg's underrated "War of the Worlds.")

Still, the movie unfortunately has the requisite lack of common sense by the characters we're following. If Abrams' goal was really to put a twist on the monster movie then the creators would've been wise to not have their characters make as many stupid choices as so many other stupid movie characters have made before them.

Then, there's the monster itself. I won't spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen it, but it was a bit of a disappointment for me. I mean, I guess it looked scary and Reeves does a nice job of maintaining some mystery around the beast, but, at the end of the day, it looked like just another generic gigantic creature. I would've been more impressed if it turned out that the monster was something unexpected, like a giant puppy. ***SPOILER ALERT*** The monster is NOT a giant puppy ***END OF SPOILER ALERT***.

Still, "Cloverfield" makes for an entertaining — and, at 84 minutes, brief — time at the movies. Where "Blair Witch" had to be more ingenious because of budget restrictions, "Cloverfield" is more exciting because, well, they could actually afford action sequences.

Unfortunately, neither of them really lived up to the hype.

Cloverfield...B-

Michael Clayton Review

Having already seen three of the films nominated for Best Picture at the Academy Awards (and having plans to see "There Will Be Blood" very soon), when I saw commercials touting the return of "Michael Clayton" to theatres to cash in on its 7 Oscar nominations, I figured it'd be a good idea to check it out so I could actually make some informed picks (a nice change of pace for me) when I fill out my Oscar ballot.

George Clooney stars as Michael Clayton, former first-round pick of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who's been mostly a gigantic disappointment after a great rookie season. At least that's what I thought going in. Instead, he plays it safe by portraying an attorney who serves as a "fixer" for a major law firm in New York City.

His next major crisis is cleaning up after the firm's most brilliant attorney, Arthur Edens (Oscar nominee Tom Wilkinson), who recently suffered an apparent mental breakdown and went full monty in the middle of a deposition. Led by chief counsel Karen Crowder(Oscar nominee Tilda Swinton), U/North, the agrichemical and morally questionable company Arthur is defending, is desperate for results, especially after Arthur — in his new state of mind — becomes a threat to their billion-dollar case.

The beauty of the movie is how Tony Gilroy (who wrote the tight script and handled the efficient and effective direction) handles these three main characters.

Clooney makes for a very solid and effective anchor in what is probably the best work of his career (definitely better than his Oscar winning performance in "Syriana"). He doesn't have any big speeches or emotional outbursts to play with — he only really lets loose once and it's toward the end of the film. But Gilroy gives his character just enough (a gambling problem, a failed business) for Clooney to play with under the surface (and he does so beautifully) and help make his character's actions more believable.

Most of the subtlety that Clooney shows is mostly blasted to pieces by Wilkinson who plays a brilliant man whose life has been turned upside down. Of course, the great joke of the movie is that, while everyone thinks that Arthur is "losing it", he's the only person who's actually found his conscience and is trying to do the right thing. Wilkinson does a great job of conveying the crazy, while also letting us see hints of the brilliant lawyer he's supposed to be. Sydney Pollack — who I'm enjoying more as an actor than as a director — also turns in very good work as Clayton's boss.

But maybe what I enjoyed the most was his portrayal of Karen, the (seemingly) tough-as-nails counsel. The thing is, we've seen dozens of portrayals of this icy sort of woman in power suit who struts in, is hyper-articulate, make some sort of cutting remark about a man's penis size and then leaves. Gilroy shows us that Karen is intensely insecure about her professional abilities and about her body (Swinton gained some weight for the role). I KNOW a lot of women are insecure about their bodies, but not too many writers/directors SHOW us — especially not in a movie like this. Swinton does terrific work.

In fact, her work (and Wilkinson's) is so good that I'll overlook their English accents occasionally (and distractingly) poking through every once in a while. Why not just make the characters English?

Anyway, Gilroy somehow manages to both take time to develop each of the main characters AND keep the movie interesting and moving forward. That results in the occasional shortcuts where it becomes hard to follow who's who or what is happening with the lawsuit.

In the end, while it's not the kind of movie audiences will love and throw their arms around, it's an extremely well-made movie with great acting (the only movie to score more than one Oscar acting nomination), writing and directing that is almost certainly more interesting than a biopic of the Bucs' Michael Clayton would have been.

Michael Clayton...A-

Project Runway Rundown: Now and Denim

Last night's "Project Runway" was just off.

And it wasn't just because some struggling designers rose to the top, while some favorites took a bit of a tumble (up was down, cats and dogs living together!)

While I'm ready to concede that this cold that's currently kicking my ass may have made me a bit crankier than usual, I can't be the only who was disappointed when we found out this week's challenge.

I mean, they have the designers take this elaborate road trip (by sea, no less!) make a big show out of slowly opening a warehouse door only to find what inside? Jeans! Lots and lots of jeans! (cue "needle scratching on a record" sound) I think I would've preferred to have the producers go with Rami's suggestion of having them make a dress out of garbage. That frustrated me because, after he acted like a total ass last week, I didn't really feel like agreeing with anything Rami said.

So off the designers went on a foot race to grab up the premium denim (which is apparently the dark denim) and we saw a replay of the season's very first challenge as Chris comically could not keep up with his quicker, non-fat ass competitors. Also, Sweet P. (or Kit, as Victorya kept calling her in the beginning) lost her shoe.

Back in the studio, the designers went to work and it wasn't long until a few of them were sniping at each other. I'm completely shocked that it took someone, ANYONE this long to call out Christian (pictured, right, with lots of jeans) for being an arrogant little peacock. Christian was doing his usual thing where he proceeds to tell everyone what they should be doing, prompting Chris to say "it's so cute to see youth." Meanwhile, Rami reminisced some more about growing up in Jerusalem and how he is more fashion forward thinking than many Americans (and I found it easier to hate him again).

We also had Jillian, Victorya, and the case of the dueling denim jackets. I have to say that, even though I question Jillian's wisdom in making a coat for the second straight week, I side with her on this because it IS sort of her thing, whereas Victorya (who didn't even want to make a coat last week when she was teamed with Jillian) mostly seemed to be ripping her off (wouldn't be the first time either). I also sided with Jillian because, you know, I hate Victorya. A lot.

The best part was when a few designers (including, surprise! Christian) openly questioned why Ricky was still in the competition. In fact, Christian, another guy I truly enjoy watching despite myself, pretty much summed up how everyone feels word-for-word (Ricky should've gone home last week, not Kit).

Eventually, Tim Gunn stopped by to drop some knowledge. As usual, some listened and some didn't. Chris seemed afflicted by the same laziness disease that afflicted the departed (and straight) Kevin, and refused to fix the frayed sides of his dress. On the other hand, Sweet P took Tim's advice about cutting the bottom of her wedding dress off to heart. Of course, it turned out to be a great decision, but it IS a little disconcerting how Sweet P can be so easily swayed (by Tim, by Christian) to follow her own vision. Then again, maybe her vision isn't good enough to advance her and she's smart to be open to new ideas.

Either way, I'm glad she followed Tim's advice because during the runway show Sweet P (not Kit) and most of the rest of the designers delivered some of their best work.

In my opinion, any one of the top four designs could've won — except for Ricky's which was basically a short, relatively simple dress (for the 18th week in a row). However, this time, Ricky decided to construct well and he finally showed the judges that his lingerie background IS worth a damn.

I was kinda scared that we wouldn't see him cry because he got good reviews, but dependable Ricky came through and turned on the waterworks, calling the competition "a roller coaster." Umm, Heidi tells us that "in fashion, one day you're in, and the next you're out" every week. Sounds like a roller coaster to me. Are you sure you're in the right business buddy?

The rest of the best were Sweet P's terrific use of different color denim and "slimming voodoo" (according to Michael Kors), Christian and another futuristic/motocross jacket and jeans combo that looked exactly like what I figured he'd come up with. I thought he had the win sewn up because of the way he incorporated different types of jeans (including jacket sleeves in the bottom of the pants), but they gave it to Ricky instead.

My favorite was actually Rami, who came up with an interesting, intricate design without draping something (and without yelling at Sweet P), so he's out of my doghouse for now.

The bottom came down to Chris (whose dress was dated, frayed and lame), Victorya (who appeared to finish her uninspired design in 8 minutes) and Jillian (who made her model look poofy). It came down to a battle of the disappointing jackets, with Victorya going home (yay!) despite the fact that Jillian had time management issues for the 22nd straight week.

So what'd you think of this episode? What was up with Jillian bleeding? (I didn't see any blood, did you?) Where would you rate Christian's "I just shit a brick face" when Ricky won compared to his past "I just shit a brick face"? Finally, is Ricky now a legit contender? (nah!)

American Idol: Surprises in the South

Ok, I feel pretty awful (been fighting a losing battle against a cold for the past three days), so let's see if we can't get this done quickly (that's what she said).

Besides serving as an extremely effective launching pad for Fox's "Moment of Truth" (that second guy's hair was SO fake), last night's "Idol" delivered an episode full of surprises at a time when these audition episodes start becoming one big blur for me.

When it turned out that the "Idol" crew was in Charleston, I was encouraged. A lot of the strongest contestants in the show's history have come from the Southern colonies. So, while visions of the next Clay Aiken, Bo Bice, Ruben Studdard, Fantasia, etc. started popping into my head (you never want THIS kind of vision in your head EVER) the show went ahead and flipped the script on us.

Sure, there were some predictable moments, like the fact that the first two contestants — "black Clay Aiken" Raysharde Henderson and sassy waitress DeAnna Prevatte — wouldn't get through to Hollywood, even though they were both pretty not-awful. Henderson's exaggerated hand gestures were amusing (was he signing the song for the hearing impaired?) and Prevatte's comments that if she can't sound better than Kellie Pickler she didn't want to be there were a comedic highlight.

We could also see the failures of Aretha Codner and Joshua Bonson coming from a mile away. Strike one against Aretha was the fact that the show was already making fun of her gigantic breasts (in a glowing blue top) before she even auditioned. Strike two was when she chose Whitney's "I Have Nothing". I don't have to tell you that she was out as soon as she opened her mouth for a not-nearly-good enough rendition — I did enjoy her forceful state of denial. Bonson, on the other hand, got strikes one through three instantly after he chose to sing "And I'm telling you I'm not going", which can never, EVER, be sung by a guy without having him look like a fool (even if you're good). Never mind that he sounded horrid and was wearing the worst and loudest outfit ever (pictured, left).

Beyond that, it was mostly surprises. The main shock was the fact that the episode relentlessly teased the adventures of Oliver Highman who'd have to leave his audition because his wife went into labor. We followed him to the hospital, saw the birth of his cute baby and were witness to his triumphant audition and ticket to Hollywood. Yeah, everything except that last part, after a way too vibrato-y audition. I know the show's always on the lookout for interesting stories, but wasn't there anyone giving delivery (or related to someone giving delivery) who could sing better?

Equally shocking was the crash and burn (see what I did there?) of Air Force pilot Lyndsey Goodman. In fact, Lyndsay and Oliver's stories seemed to be fused together from last year's contestant Phil Stacey (a military man whose wife went into labor during auditions). Except that Lyndsey, who seemed to have the looks and confidence (in her video package at least) to go far became incredibly nervous and quavered her way through a shaky rendition of "Black Velvet." Too bad.

The biggest surprise of all had to be the fact that the outrageous Lampkin siblings were, you know, good. Like really good (especially Jeffrey). Excuse me for being shocked that a guy who danced obnoxiously like five different stereotypes and walked in to audition with a necktie around his head turned out to not be a complete clown. Not only were they good, but their rendition of "I'm Your Angel" was also shockingly restrained (given what we saw from them before). The judges were right in pointing out that Jeffrey is better than his sister Michelle, but I was glad to see that Simon, of all people, didn't have the heart to split them up.

So what'd you think of this episode? Are you in the half of America that, according to Simon, is annoyed by cheerleader/abstinence teacher Amy Flynn (who's kinda reminds me of a real life Lyla Garrity)? Were you also surprised by the twists and turns in this episode? Have you ever hooked up with anyone from an "Idol" message board? Finally, did you see anyone last night who could win the whole thing?

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Not Practicing Safe Sex

It must be great to write for Nip/Tuck.

I mean, seriously, you can come up with whatever weird, perverted stuff you can think of and, not only will fans of the show (like me) accept it as "well, that's Nip/Tuck for you", but we'll be laughing along the way.

Last night's episode of "Nip/Tuck" was suitably outrageous and one of the season's best because it came the closest to fulfilling the "let's move to Hollywood" promise of this season.

Although, I would've liked to have seen a little Dawn Budge sprinkled in to make things perfect, there was plenty of drama on the "Hearts N Scalpels" set. After another hilarious Aidan Stone scene (Bradley Cooper is fantastically over the top) in which the doctor was suffering from a case of "river blindness", the actor ended up hooking up with Eden, who had stopped by the set to, well, hook up with Aidan.

I loved Aidan's interactions with his blind consultant ("I'm going to show the world that blind people can cry") and the way he left the guy talking to himself when Eden showed up. Of course, we, as the audience, knew that Eden is into filming sex (she previously taped Olivia and Julia), so it was no surprise when their unfortunately brief, anti-Semitic, anti-deaf people sexual encounter hit YouTube. Oscar winner Marlee Matlin showed up to send Aidan to rehab, making Sean the new star of "Hearts N Scalpels". Freddy Prune probably had the line of the show when, in a nice dig at "Grey's Anatomy", he said "it's too bad you're not black — we could've kept you around till the end of the season."

We even saw Sean's ex-flame Kate on the set for the first time in a while, and she finally did something entertaining, mentioning to Sean that she was dating a black guy.

Speaking of Sean, he's seems to be coming into his own as an actor on the show (he commanded that pseudo-exorcism!) thanks to new agent Colleen. Of course, it turns out that Colleen has some issues (alcoholism, a seeming obsession with Sean) which will surface next week. In fact, she may have helped unleash the inner diva in Sean, who was seen at the end of the episode macking on an extra the same way Aidan was hitting on Eden. Is it really an accident that Eden and Colleen showed up on the set the same day, and, as a result, Sean is the new star of the show? Hmm.

Meanwhile, the patients of the week, Jeff and Magda, were the most entertaining in a long time. The much, MUCH older Magda wanted her boy toy to get hair transplants to appear more manly, while the guy was determined to stick out the disgusting marriage with the horny old broad until she died. Of course, it turned out that Magda was the one checking him into a nursing home after he became a vegetable as a result of some vigorous post-op sex (how disgusting/funny was it to see her enjoy his convulsions?). Magda got herself a new boy toy, and we all prayed for the poor sucker.

I know the subplot of Jeff taking care of Magda was supposed to mirror Christian (pictured, right) taking care of Julia, it really didn't. Plus, the connection was unnecessary because the Jeff/Magda stuff (like her farting when they thought she was dead) was more than funny enough on its own.

Speaking of Christian and Julia, Dr. Troy cheated on her for the second straight week in which they were both thoroughly manipulated by Gina. She convinced Christian to participate in one of the more bizarre threesomes (even for this show) I've ever seen, in which she paid a hooker to have intercourse with Christian, while she made eye contact with and kissed him (wonder how many people are gonna try that one home later on).

Later, Gina went to see Julia and told her that she and Christian were having an affair, pretty much ending that "relationship." Honestly, as I mentioned last week, I didn't really think much of these two as a couple. In fact, I saw and felt more genuine heat in the final scene of the episode between Christian and Gina, where she made a convincing case that these two twisted characters belonged together.

Of course, their rooftop sex was abruptly broken up by Gina plunging to her death. Well that's the end of Gina. I'll miss her and Jessalyn Gilsig's solid work. She would've gotten grating as a regular, but the way the show sprinkled in some Gina made her a really effective foil. The only thing I'm slightly disappointed in was the fact that, as she plunged to her "Die Hard"-like death, she didn't yell "hey, asssshoooollllleeee!"

So what'd you think of this episode? Did Christian push Gina off the roof on purpose? What will Aidan do to Sean when he comes back? Where the hell is Olivia? Finally, would the writers REALLY kill Julia off?

American Idol: Southern California Dreamin'

Even though last night's edition of "Idol" was half as long, the producers were still able to cram in as many good auditions, bizarre characters and laughs as they did in the first two episodes.

They also thankfully complied with my golden rule that no reality show should ever be two hours long. So, gone from last night were the unnecessary "awful singers singing the same song" montage, the semi-comprehensive history of the city at the beginning of each episode narrated by Ryan Seacrest (we've all seen "Anchorman" and we all know that the name of San Diago comes from the German for "a whale's vagina") and all the other filler that clogs up my TV.

We were even (mostly) spared the obligatory tirades from the castoffs. The best we got were rejects Monique Gibson (unleashing an unholy medley of "Who's Loving You", "Dreamlover" and a couple of other songs) and Christopher Baker (I feel sorry for the children in "The Greatest Love of All") each singing very loudly and very badly before banding together for the most unseemly duet since this one.

Still, as far as the bad singing went, I found Mariah Carey wannabe Valerie Reyes and super hippie Albert Hurtado, and former Statue of Liberty Blake Boshnack much more entertaining. Reyes sounded like she put "Against All Odds" through a Pop-o-matic 2000 and it came out the other side with all the unnecessary tricks, bells, whistles, nooks and crannies (bonus points for the Mariah shriek at the end) that she singers try to jam into pop songs (I loved Randy's throwaway "actually, it was awful" comment). I was surprised at how bad I felt for her because she genuinely thought she was doing the right thing, and she showed some self-awareness as she lamented the fact that she was one of the rejects she's laughed at on TV.

Then there's Hurtado, who sang a hilariously depressing (that should be a new genre) original song called "Live", which appeared to have the word "tragedy" in it about 20 times. This guy came dangerously close to being labeled a clown (and thus not being mentioned by name in this column) because of his weird spinning doll and huge green fan, but he convinced me he was actually for real. Also, the footage at the end, which suggested he transformed into an eagle put him over the top.

Finally, there's Borshnack who, we were reminded, was quickly dismissed in Season 5 right as he started singing (I can't imagine why). This time, he was back in normal clothes and with his slightly weird mom (who actually appears to be enabling, I mean, encouraging his "Idol" dreams) and delivering a passable version of "Stand by Me." And that's just what the judges did — they passed. Who knew that dressing up as the Statue of Liberty on national TV would kill your credibility forever? Oh wait, everyone knows that.

On to the good, where we actually have some pretty talented singers with interesting backstories going to Hollywood.

The show actually opened with three straight successful auditons (not sure if that's a record), but it closed with Carly Smithson (who's been revealed to be not quite an amateur), who was probably the best singer of the night. I mean, she managed to sing "I'm Every Woman" (a top 5 contender for most overplayed song on "Idol") and hold everyone's interest. We found out that she'd made it to the Hollywood round before, but was disqualified because of issues with her visa. We also found out she has a husband with a full on face tattoo.

Though Smithson (pictured, left) may have been the best singer, I think my favorites of the night were actually two dudes.

I mean, how could you not like Perrie Cataldo, the single dad with the adorable son? He's got a nice voice and, though his "I'll Make Love to You" was a bit too gimmicky/over the top, that song IS over the top. For his sake, let's hope they let him take the kid everywhere he goes. The kid is good for a least a few million votes.

Then there was David Archuleta, this week's token "Idol" who'd overcome a serious injury. In his case, Archuleta had suffered vocal paralysis, but that didn't stop him from delivering an easy on the ears version of "Waiting on the World to Change." He certainly doesn't have the strongest voice in the competition, and I don't think he has a chance in hell of winning. The young, scrawny guy who's attractive in an attainable kind of way is good enough to get to the top 12 (right Sanjaya, and Anthony Federov), but not good enough to win. Still, out of all the good singers last night, I liked him the most.

I liked him a little better than Aussie Michael Johns, who's got a nice soulful voice and, unlike Archuleta, is actually attractive in an unattainable way. I certainly liked him better than obnoxious Tetiana Ostapowych (who, as Simon pointed out, is NOT as good as she thinks she is) and Simon-obsessed Samantha Musa, who was ok, but not as entertaining as her friend, who got to share a seat with Simon.

So what'd you think of this episode? Did you like that the show was cut in half from last week or hate it? Who was your favorite singer from last night? Finally, when is a face tattoo a good idea?

My thoughts on Heath Ledger

I am absolutely sure that there will be infinitely more eloquent tributes and obituaries written about Heath Ledger, who was reportedly found dead in his New York apartment Jan. 22.

Personally, I'm just writing because of how I reacted when my mom and my brother told me they'd seen the news on one of those omnipresent news crawls: shock, complete and utter shock. Then sadness. Deep, deep sadness.

When River Phoenix died in 1993, I was only and 11 and, to be honest, wasn't really that affected by it. I mean, I was 11 years old. I didn't understand what a drug overdose was nor had I seen most of Phoenix's best work.

I'm not going to sit here and claim that I was the biggest Heath Ledger fan in the world (by the way, it's awful that we have to use the past tense "was" to talk about Heath freakin' Ledger). I liked him in his breakout role in "10 Things I Hate About You." Didn't care for "A Knight's Tale", but I thought he definitely showed star power.

Then I saw him in "Brokeback Mountain" and I thought he was genuinely terrific (remove all the gay cowboy jokes and watch the man go to work in that movie). I thought he deserved the Best Actor Oscar over winner Phillip Seymour Hoffman for "Capote". Add to that, the fact that his career was undoubtedly about to blow up following his role as the Joker in this summer's "The Dark Knight." I looked forward to years of him continuing to display that massive talent.

Unfortunately, it was not to be. I'll spare you the moralizing about the reported cause of death (because we don't know anything), and the clichés about how fame and fortune don't get you everything.

I know that actor Brad Renfro was exactly as old as I am when he died last week. He was another exceptionally talented actor who died way too young. Still, his long history of drug abuse made that death less of a surprise and, for better or worse, he never achieved the stardom Ledger did.

At age 28, Ledger was only three years older than I am. I think his and Renfro's deaths are hitting a little harder because they're MY guys. Ledger was one of MY guys, from my generation, and (not to diminish Renfro's death AT ALL) the first genuine movie superstar/actor from that generation I can think of that has died entirely too young.

Though I think we've just been deprived of decades' worth of great work in the future, the greatest tragedy is that the life of such an incredibly talented young man has been cut short. It's completely shocking and sad.

R.I.P. Heath Ledger. Our thoughts and prayers are with your family and friends.

27 Dresses Review

Ah, the romantic comedy.

If you go to or watch movies with any sort of regularity, you can tell exactly how pretty much every mainstream romantic comedy is going to end. Usually, you don't even have to watch the movie because you can tell, just from the previews, who the girl is going to end up with — and "27 Dresses" is no different.

The story — about a successful, but lovelorn woman who's been a bridesmaid 27 times — is appropriately far-fetched (27 times?! Really?!) The movie also features many of the rom-com staples we've seen before, and even come to expect — there's the sarcastic best friend, a goofy sing along and, you don't believe this, but ***SPOILER ALERT*** the guy and girl don't even like each other at first ***END OF SPOILER ALERT***

So, since we know all this going in, the strength of these types of movies depends heavily on how much you like the actors (after all, since you know where you're going, you might as well be in the company of people you like for the next 100 minutes) and what twists the filmmakers can throw in to keep things interesting.

In my opinion, "27 Dresses" does a great job in both regards.

Though I mostly can't stand her chronic overacting on "Grey's Anatomy", I've realized that I like Katherine Heigl as a movie star. (I also realized that I do a surprisingly decent impersonation of her character on "Grey's Anatomy" — ask Erica). This may be the rare case where a TV actor is actually much better suited for the big screen (whereas a lot crash and burn when they try to make the jump).

In "27 Dresses" she's likeable and, for an actress with movie-star looks, surprisingly believable as a somewhat shy, neurotic and plain looking person (her name is even Jane).

Also, I love how, in movies, someone who's plain or mousy usually has darker hair, which is in contrast to Malin Akerman's blonde 'do as Jane's sister Tess who sweeps into town and gets engaged to Jane's boss (Edward Burns), who Jane is not-so secretly in love with. Akerman has a few funny moments as the self-centered sibling, but Burns often looked like he had just been awoken from a nap right before it was time to shoot his scenes.

Fortunately, my boy James Marsden was around and FINALLY playing the lead in one of these things instead of being the "other" guy. He was funny, had solid chemistry with Heigl, and they even figured a way to get his character to sing. Marsden plays a bored, cynical, reporter (is there any other kind?) writing a fluff piece on Jane and her sister, and I like to think his character was based on me — because I like James Marsden and I like making things about me.

The movie's other MVP is Judy Greer as Jane's sarcastic, slightly alcoholic best friend. Hopefully, she'll get to lead one of these movies one day. Greer leads a very funny and amusing group of supporting players including a few familiar faces from my favorite sitcoms (Melora Hardin of "The Office" and Maulik Pancholy of "30 Rock" and "Weeds"), as well as a particularly overzealous and zany bride and a particularly overzealous and zany "Bennie and the Jets" fan.

Director Anne Fletcher (who wrote "The Devil Wears Prada") does a very good job of keeping things moving (so the guys won't get bored), while giving her target audience (the gals) everything they wanted — beautiful clothes (some of the wedding dresses and Jane's wardrobe), ugly clothes (the bridesmaid dresses) and big romantic kisses at the right time.

I enjoyed watching the audience, which was approximately 300% female, passionately react to the movie's big moments. They actually asked me to give up my Man Card before I entered the theatre — I thought I saw another guy there, but it just turned out to be this person.

I have a feeling they knew where the movie was going too, but they were just along for the entertaining ride. So was I.

27 Dresses...B+

NFL Conference Championship Picks

All righty, let's try to keep it short, since it's the weekend (Saturday morning) and I want to go have some breakfast. I bounced back nicely last week (3-1 week, 4-4 postseason), and I would've been perfect if it hadn't been for those meddling Chargers (and their dog). Here's what I think will happen to them in conference championship weekend...

SAN DIEGO @ NEW ENGLAND
...they'll lose. I think they will lose. That's pretty much all I have to say about it. I mean, I would've thought that they were going to lose even if their three best offensive players weren't injured (but expected to play). Just look at the way they got steamrolled in week 2 by the Patriots.

Now I kind of want them to lose badly, mostly to shut up their QB Philip Rivers (pictured, right), who wins the award for most mediocre quarterback who talks the most trash. I'm sure he's reading this now and flipping me off and yelling at me — but the Chargers are still going to lose. The fact that the Chargers have some of the biggest clowns on their team makes LaDainian Tomlinson's comments last year after their playoff loss to the Pats (where he called them "classless") all the more ridiculous.

Although, I'll make a bold prediction and say that the Chargers defense will harass Tom Brady and force him into three or more incompletions, I also expect to hear more whining after the Chargers lose.

NY GIANTS @ GREEN BAY
The battle of two teams some idiotic people picked to finish last in their division should actually be the more competitive and entertaining game of the week.

The Giants are playing excellent football, and just imagine what the Packers might've done to Seattle last week if they HADN'T handed them two touchdowns in the first minute. Like the Pats with the Chargers, the Packers killed the Giants in week 2, but that was before New York decided it'd be a good idea to play good defense. It's also going to be cold in Green Bay (single digits), which'll make my St. Pete Florida digs especially comfy.

Still, I just don't see the Giants (or any other team really) keeping Brett Favre from reaching the Super Bowl (and making sports announcers across the country wet themselves with excitement) in this storybook season of his.

Project Runway Rundown: Letting Her Avant Garde Down

It only took a couple of months, but this season of "Project Runway" finally produced a challenge that made Christian happy (or at least not made him display open disdain to the camera).

And let's face it (if Christian is to be believed), it's ALL about Christian and getting his name out there because, as he said after his team's victory last night, "It's good to win, I don't have THAT much press yet."

And so continues my tolerate/hate relationship with the show's most diminutive contestant. By the way, in case you haven't seen last night's episode yet, the fact that I already mentioned who won isn't a big spoiler or a surprise by any stretch of the imagination just like it wasn't a big surprise that Christian would win as soon as Heidi told the designers they'd have free reign to design an avant garde look inspired by their models' hairstyles (mostly, I just remember Kit saying the words "birds' nest" about eight times in reference to her models 'do). I mean, look at Christian's hair! He'd be in heaven doing something avant garde.

There was, however, a small hiccup to Christian's unstoppable path to victory when Tim Gunn revealed the designers would be working in teams of two — a revelation that would've been even more surprising if it hadn't been for last week's previews.

Fortunately, Christian got teamed with Chris, who just happens to be the friendliest, most likable contestant, and whose sensibilities are just as outsized as Christian's. What wasn't outsized was Christian's confidence as he hesitated until the very last second in assuming the leader role for the team. I can understand Chris being hesitant to be captain (last time he was, he got eliminated), but Christian wanted to lead his team, without the responsibility of being team captain. At least we know he's seen a reality show in his life, and knows how things work, but he still acted like a rhymes with wussy. (Hint: I mean, pussy — he acted like a pussy.)

Seriously though, these two lucked out by ending up in a team together. Imagine, for a second, if either had been paired with Victorya. Instead, the ice princess was teamed with Jillian to form Team We Can't Manage Our Time (ok, fine so Tim Gunn's description of the Chrises as Team Fierce rolls off the tongue a bit easier).

Team WCMOT fought for creative control and settled it like mature adults — by flipping a coin. Jillian won, which was fortunate, because I got to hear the term "apocalyptic trenchcoat." Meanwhile, Tim dropped by to tell the designers they'd also be working on an additional "ready-to-wear" look to go with the avant garde design, which further set back Team WCMOT.

It all started so well for Rami and Sweet P. They were actually happy to be teamed together, but that was before Rami turned out to be a condescending tyrant who refused to listen to Sweet P's ideas and applied constant pressure on her to finish her work which was idiotic because, CLEARLY, Sweet P doesn't respond well to being put under pressure. Let's face it though — Sweet P hasn't done as well as Rami (who's won a few challenges, while Sweet P has won none), so he probably felt like he HAD to get on her ass.

However, he still came off terribly and he became more obsessed with how different their style of working was then with designing something that didn't look like everything else he's designed so far. Is it too late to take back my pick of him winning it all? I mean, I still want to be right, but I don't want to root for someone so douchey.

Then there was Kit and Ricky. Kit (pictured, left) was vaguely stressing about her avant garde look, while Ricky was stressing out about yet another really short, simple dress he's designed for the 27th time. I wasn't really paying attention to them because they really weren't doing anything interesting (meaning Ricky wasn't crying).

As for the runway show, as soon as Nina Garcia openly smiled when she saw Team Fierce's piece, it was all but over. My favorite part of the episode came after the judges were praising Jillian and Victorya's work (big surprise, it came down to the wire, but finished) by saying the team had actually created three looks and Victorya exclaimed "We had three looks, we should win." Christian gave his vintage "I'm going to shit a brick" look. In fact, I wish he had done just that, picked up the brick and hit Victorya over the head with it. I hate Victorya.

My second favorite moment came during the judges critiques of the loser designs and they ended up liking Sweet P's ready to wear dress roughly 1,000 times better than Rami's flowy semi-disaster. I wish they'd superimposed Nelson the Bully from "The Simpsons" onto the runway (Ha-ha!)

In the end though, I was finally forced to pay attention to what Kit and Ricky had done, and it was actually pretty awful. Or as the Italian guest judge Alberta Ferretti said "ees cheap". I know the judges really got on Kit for her (horrible and uninspired) work, but I feel like they didn't sufficiently grill Ricky for his just as horrible and uninspired work. At least Kit spent more times on hers, right?

So it was a mild shock to see Ricky leave the runway first (even before Sweet P) and, although I thought she'd earned some sort of stay of execution because of solid work in the past, it was Kit going home before Rami (who had more solid work in his past). I guess she just flew TOO low under the radar. Still, it should've been Ricky.

So what'd you think of this episode? Has there ever been a more predictable outcome? Has there ever been more infuriatingly hateable than Victorya on this show? I mean, she doesn't even do outrageous things to be hateable, it's all passive aggressive stuff. Why was Christian the only one to receive immunity? Finally, I've asked it before, but I'll ask it again — why is Ricky still here?

American Idol: Middle (of the road) America

Well, they say everything's bigger in Texas. Apparently, that includes the judges' tolerance for mediocre, good-not-great singing.

But, despite the fact that I don't necessarily think we saw the next American Idol last night (this from the guy who said the Giants would finish last in their division), I kinda like that the judges (pictured, right) seem to be a little more generous this time around.

Part of that is because, as in the Philly premiere, we're seeing more balance in the talent/trainwreck ratio.

As you may have heard, last night's auditions were in Dallas — cue an opening credits sequence from classic prime-time soap "Dallas" that I'm sure sailed clearly over the head of about 67% of the audience last night.

Other than the fact that we were treated to a mostly entertaining couple of hours, my favorite part was how Dallas — a major American city by all accounts — was mostly, simplistically portrayed as a mostly backwoods place where people drive their tractors to work. (Can't wait for the Miami auditions, because we all know everyone in Miami wears a bikini to go to work.)

One person who doesn't drive a tractor to work is Kayla Hatfield, a relentlessly delightful auditionee who had been in a serious car accident a few years back. I think when I said she looked like "The Closer", my brother thought I was talking about Mariano Rivera. When the judges allowed her overly growly take of "Piece of my Heart" (seriously, if she'd gone on for a few more seconds, her voice would've broken) to go through to Hollywood, I figured we were in for some substandard "good singing." I mean, I thought Willem Dafoe sounded better last night when she sang "Somebody to Love."

Still, none of that mattered as much because of the way Simon seemed to warm to Kayla ("I'd like to be you for one hour a day, maybe two.") and the similarly substandard, but faux hawked Pia Easley, who Simon said he liked about six times.

Then there was Drew Poppelreiter, the country boy who delivered a nice, but thoroughly forgettable "Check Yes or No." I know we're supposed to believe he got through to Hollywood by the skin of his hay-chewing teeth, but let's be real — once Idol producers come to your house to do a piece on your background, you're pretty much in. (Notice how the nutcases are always filmed doing their thing while they're hanging out in the audition venue). Also, recovering meth-addict Jessica Brown wins the "Elisa from Project Runway" award for "most out-of-nowhere serious revelation that I'm not quite sure I'm ready to handle while watching a lighthearted reality show."

The mediocrity continued with aspiring politician Kyle Ensley, who (no offense to all the people I know who are in an acapella group) looks like he's in an acapella group, but got through mostly because of the fact that he wasn't terrible (let's be honest, he looked like he was gonna be terrible). I'd like to comment on the audition of Brandon Green, but I mostly just remember that he carried around a bag of his own finger (and toe?) nail clippings, which is perfectly normal — if you're a serial killer.

My two favorites of the evening were Kady Malloy and Colton Swon. The only problem with Kady was that her perfect Britney Spears impersonation was infinitely more interesting than her actual singing —seriously, I don't remember what she actually sounds like. Meanwhile, Colton Swon, in addition to winning the "Temptress Browne" award for "most awesome name of the night", is the one guy I could see doing something in this competition after a nice take on "Boondocks," which my girl Erica really likes. If only I could find it on YouTube (Come on, other people. Step up so I can mooch off your work.)

(I mention that she likes it because, full disclosure, I'm not THAT into country music, so it was hard for me to put my arms around last night's show — I kept getting distracted by some fantasy basketball trades I was working on.)

I mean, even a lot of the "bad" singers weren't all that bad. There was Angela Reilly who missed out on Hollywood, but won out by being married to a guy who is a model and a genius. I say genius because of his relentless refusal to badmouth his wife's singing — smart man! There was also the guylinered dude who thought he was the next Chris Daughtry and kept mentioning how "rock" and "edgy" he was, thereby instantly disqualifying himself from being "rock" or "edgy."

In fact, I'm temporarily lifting my ban on not mentioning the train wrecks by name because a few of them were so funny last night. I especially liked sweaty Douglas Davidson (who I think is STILL warming up to sing Bon Jovi), as well as Paul Stafford's countrified take of Elliott Yamin's "Wait for You." It was almost as funny as Simon's impersonation afterward.

The closest we got to an out-and-out clown of the same level as the Philadelphia Paula Stalker, and the Fat Hairy Guy in the Princess Leia costume was Renaldo Lapuz, who showed up in a pimp costume and hijacked the last 10 minutes of the show (as well as pretty much every commercial tease during the first hour and 50 minutes. Still, I can't even be completely mad at him because, despite his audition going on for WAY too long, let's fact it — "We're Brothers Forever" IS catchy.

So what'd you think of this episode? Have you already tried to download "Brothers"? Finally, do you think we saw the next American Idol in Dallas? Finally, do you like the judges being nicer and more lenient?

Nip/Tuck/Thoughts: Bad Reception

The first new "Nip/Tuck" of 2008 delivered for the most part, especially in the sexy and funny departments. Still, I could've probably done without the show's take on suicide bombers.

More on the latter later, but first I want to talk about the (very good), which included the return of Bradley Cooper, Oliver Platt, Rosie O'Donnell and "Hearts 'N Scalpels". It seems like Rosie's Dawn Budge is now a producer on the show along with her boyfriend, Oliver Platt's Freddy (and she received a matching tracksuit)

I enjoyed Dawn clashing with the show's star Aidan Stone over the ridiculousness of using a severed toe to rebuild a clitoris. Sean defused the situation by saying he indeed rebuilt a patient's clitoris a few season's back (though I'm pretty sure they didn't use her toe). Then an excited Freddy showed up to announce that the show had been invited to participate in the West Hollywood Gay Pride parade.

This led to another nice exchange in which Dawn was mildly horrified (see, it's funny because we all know Rosie's gay in real life) and Aidan protected his gay fan base. As unlikely as it seemed, the storyline actually served as a stepping stone for the evening's more touching arc in which Liz gently convinced Freddie to come out (in a sweet scene) and we learned more about Dawn's character, who isn't so much bigoted, as she is prone to fall in love with gay men who share her sensitivities. Also, I think Freddie got tired of pretending he was into fantasy football. Finally, any scene with Rosie O'Donnell and Roma Maffia's Liz delivers.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, this being Nip/Tuck, Dawn was mutilated by a motorcycle-riding lesbian (again, a motorcycle gets her? as she tried to stop Freddie from being "dosed" at the gay pride parade. Fun times.

Not so fun times? Sean's arc with Matt's burn therapist Rachel. I thought the storyline itself — that Rachel wanted to have the pieces of the suicide bomber who disfigured her (and whose remains are embedded in her skin) removed — was interesting. But the show overreached when Sean began hallucinating about the suicide bomber, who began to convince Sean that it's a slippery slope from being an angry victimized man, to becoming an extremist.

It would've been a lot more effective if it didn't look like a cheap horror movie and if the suicide bomber's appearance hadn't been accompanied by the vaguely Middle-Eastern-ish music composer can't help but going to whenever there's a terrorist onscreen.

Of course, the reason Sean is feeling victimized is because Christian and Julia seem to be happy, as they're openly seeing each other. I liked it a lot more when Sean hired the hot receptionist with the ridonkulous breasts to sabotage Christian than when he imagined himself as a suicide bomber.

Other than the fact that Sean just needs to get over Julia, he need not worry. Christian started falling back to his old ways (the sex montage with the receptionist was funny and, yes, sexy) partly because he thinks Julia is pushing him away with her mystery illness, but mostly because, he's, you know, Christian.

In the end, Sean and Christian got into a fist fight and, while the sequence was well done, it didn't have the impact I'd expected. I mean, think about all the stuff these two guys have done to each other, and they FINALLY have a physical fight about it. Should've been a bigger moment, but it wasn't — especially since they predictably made up by the end of the episode.

Still, the last 10 minutes were livened up by the surprise return of Gina (pictured, left) and her familiar refrain of "Hey asshole". Sean hired her as the new receptionist because she would torture Christian and because he wouldn't sleep with her. Then again, that second reason may not really matter judging from next week's preview. Also, what's the deal with Jessalyn Gilsig? The actress was just on "Friday Night Lights" as Tami's sister who earned her real estate license and moved out, and now she shows up on this show four days later as Gina with, you guessed it, her real estate license. Coincidence? (Probably).

So what'd you think of this episode? Did you miss Eden, Olivia, Kimber or Ram? Is Eden poisoning ALL of Julia's food? I'm assuming it was just the fruitcake, because that would mean that Julia has been eating fruitcake for, what seems like, weeks now? Who were you most glad to see back, Dawn or Gina? Finally, am I the only who thinks Christian and Julia are surprisingly chemistry-free (especially compared to Sean and Julia)?

American Idol: Here We Go Again

Much like with "Dancing with the Stars", every season I tell myself I'm not going to get sucked in, and every season I'm sitting there watching the same junk for two hours. (Especially when one of my golden rules is that no reality show should ever, EEEEVVVVEEEERRR be two painfully-stretched out hours long.)

But I just can't help myself and, probably, neither can you, if you're reading this "American Idol" themed column.

And you know what? It wasn't bad. Not bad at all. In fact, I actually found myself laughing out loud a few times last night, and actually being invested in the show. You know those instances I'm talking about — they give you a contestant with an appealing/heartbreaking backstory, they may be wearing a questionable outfit which COULD mark them as a nutcase, and, right before they're about to open their mouth to sing, you catch yourself involuntarily hoping that they're good.

That's probably because the producers (wisely) seemed to decide to showcase more of the good singers during the premiere than they have in season's past. That doesn't mean there weren't the usual share of delusional trainwrecks and attention-hungry losers you're always going to get.

Most of those people are so pathetic that I'm not even going to bother mentioning them by name.

And, yes, I'm talking to you creepy stalker guy who incorporated "Columbo" and Peter Falk into a song dedicated to Paula. Why was she laughing hysterically? That guy kinda freaked me out. I'm also talking to you, old guy who looked like my high school biology teacher and snuck into the audition to sing a song called "No Sex Allowed" (worst.song.title.ever). I loved Simon's comment that, because he was over the age limit they couldn't vote — so he didn't get to say "no". I'm also talking to you dorky Star Wars girl, who wasn't all that bad and made some good points about changing what an "American Idol" should be, but undermined herself by dressing like a clown and not even doing up her hair Princess Leia style for real.

Most of all, I'm talking to you, guy wearing a genie costume under a cloak. This guy was the worst of all. Thankfully, the judges tortured this attention-whore a little by making him wax his body (not as funny as the Steve Carell edition) and throwing him out right away. Simon seemed openly disgusted with this guy for wasting their time, which makes me wonder why the producers let him through.

A few bad auditions I WILL mention by name are James Lewis (file under delusional) who took the early lead for funniest bad audition, Temptress Browne, (awesome name) because the linebacker had a touching story about how she was trying out to help take care of her obese mother, and because she auditioned with Dreamgirls' "And I am telling you, I'm not going", but called it "I'm not going nowhere".

Special mention also goes to Alexis Cohen, who I likened to a tranny and the judges likened to Willem Dafoe, and who delivered a decent (if slightly out-there) version of "Somebody to Love". She deserves special mention, not for her profanity-laced tirade (yawn), but for introducing the phrase "I'm going for actressing."

As I mentioned, there was plenty of good last night. I think my personal favorite was Angela Martin (pictured, right), who my sources tell me is NOT the accountant from "The Office", but a young mother/wedding singer whose daughter has something called "Rett Syndrome". This was definitely someone who I was hoping (and so were you, admit it) would be good, and she delivered.

Another one I really liked was the non-showy but still very impressive Junot Joyner who gave Elton John's "I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues" his own little twist. Unfortunately, for Junot (no, it's Morgan Freeman) "non-showy, but still impressive" has killed good singers on this show in seasons past.

Then there was Kristy Lee Cook, who delivered an amazing version of "Amazing Grace" and is probably the frontrunner after the first episode in the judges' eyes. She's a pretty blonde, who's got the talent. I also liked Brooke White, who auditioned last and sang some Corinne Bailey Rae, not so much because of her fantastic voice, but, as my girl Erica pointed out, she just seemed to be very chill and bring a very calming presence to the crazy proceedings.

There were a few people who got their golden tickets that I wasn't so high on. I mean it's great that Joey Catalano lost 205lbs (which is more than I weigh), but I didn't love his version of "Sunday Morning". Randy was right to point out that, although Chris Watson certainly has the look of a star, he should watch himself with the "uhs" and overall cheesiness. Finally, I just didn't think Melanie Nyema was that good.

So what'd you think of the season premiere? Is Idol back on track or is it too soon to tell? Did you see someone last night who could win the whole thing? Finally, what's worse if you're a woman? Being compared to a tranny or being compared to Willem Dafoe?

(Hope you enjoy those links before they get pulled off of YouTube)

John's Video of the Year So Far

I know it's a bit early, but this is definitely my favorite video of the year so far.

I love how he says the media would be wrong to criticize his quarterback Tony Romo. Apparently, it's ok for T.O. to pretty much accuse one of his quarterbacks of being gay and constantly ripping and questioning the stamina and toughness of another (Donovan McNabb) while saying he thought the Eagles would be better off with Brett Favre, but if we criticize Tony Romo for the Cowboys choking on a big one and losing in the playoffs, then we're all bad people.

Poor baby.

(That is all...I'm now going back to laughing at this footage for about an hour.)

Atonement Review

You just hate to see that happen.

You hate to see a movie with all of the ingredients to be really good (or at least all the ingredients to win a boat load of awards) mostly undermine itself by having a major plot point ring completely false.

Unfortunately, this happened for me with "Atonement"

The story begins in 1935 in an English mansion, where we meet the Briony Tallis (Saoirse Ronan), a 13-year-old fledgling writer with a vivid imagination, and her sister Cecilia (Keira Knightley). We also meet Robbie Turner, the educated son of the Tallis' housekeeper, who Briony has a crush on and is around the same age as Cecilia.

Obviously, I don't want to give too much of the story away, but what follows is a series of accidents and misunderstandings culminating in Briony wrongfully accusing Robbie of doing something horrific and, in the process, changing the three main characters' lives forever.

The movie then jumps (somewhat jarringly) five years to 1940, with Robbie as a soldier of the British Royal Army in France, desperately trying to get back to Cecilia (kinda like in "Cold Mountain").

It certainly seems shapes up like a classic love story where a great obstacle is overcome. So, one thing I did like was that the movie, based on Ian McEwan's novel of the same name, was interested being more than an exquisitely photographed big screen romance (which it is) and sought to explore deeper themes, such as forgiveness and redemption.

The only problem is that the major, life-altering plot point — Briony's accusation of Robbie — could easily be negated if any of the characters on screen exercised a shred of common sense. No one seemed interested in hearing Robbie's side of the story, the victim is hardly consulted, and there appears to be no evidence other than a little girl's word. Since when do people in movies believe what little kids have to say? Usually it's the other way around with kids telling the truth and no one listening to them. I mean, I'm not even COMPLETELY mad at the little girl for what she did — I'm mad at everyone else (except Cecilia) for blindly believing it.

I don't know how it went down in the book (and I don't care, since I'm reviewing the movie) and I get that Robbie is supposed to be poor, but up until his fateful day, he appears to be someone who is well thought of. Also, while, I don't have an intimate understanding of the British criminal justice system in the 1930s (I'll get right on that), the guy must've had the worst lawyer ever. And if he didn't have a lawyer, you would've thought he'd scratch for one since he was innocent. I'm not saying we needed a full-blown courtroom sequence, but just a minute or two of how he could possibly be sent away on such flimsy charges would be nice.

In "The Shawshank Redemption", for example, we get two minutes at the very beginning of how an innocent man can be sent to prison due to bad timing and worse luck, but in this movie, it's just generally accepted that the kindly groundskeeper is a criminal.

Needless to say, it took me right out of the movie — which is a shame because there's plenty to like.

The movie is basically presented in two acts — Act I in the English mansion, Act II set during the war. For me, the movie got off to a bit of a slow start. That's partly due to my confusion because I couldn't understand everything the actors were saying (especially Knightley).

But it's also due to director Joe Wright ("Pride and Prejudice") and screenwriter Christopher Hampton, who are mostly successful when they play around with shifting points of view. (Mostly, my confusion was probably due to me not being very smart.)

In fact, Wright does plenty to try to liven up what could otherwise become one of those stiff British costume dramas. I REALLY enjoyed Dario Marianelli's score (especially the typewriter-driven bits), as well as Wright's attempts to liven up certain scenes with fancy camerawork by cinematographer Seamus McGarvey, highlighted by an impressive (if slightly indulgent) four-and-a-half-minute tracking shot in a bombed-out beach in France.

The performances were solid all around, especially Ronan, an impressive and expressive young actress, Juno Temple, as Briony's visiting cousin, and McAvoy, who conveyed the charisma and passion necessary for the role. I just wish he'd had a little more chemistry with his love interest in the film. Knightley is ok (not really Oscar worthy, I think) — she looks like she's acting in a Chanel commercial too much of the time, and she was definitely better in "Pride and Prejudice", her previous collaboration with director Wright.

Better yet, the film has something a lot of other recent movies don't — a knockout of an ending. There's no way I'm going to spoil ANY of it for you, but I'll just say that Vanessa Redgrave — as an older version of Briony — is absolutely good enough to earn the Oscar buzz she's been getting, despite being on screen for about six minutes.

It just makes me wish the movie hadn't mostly sabotaged itself halfway through.

Atonement...B-

John's Top 10 TV Shows of 2007

It's no secret that I love TV AND top 10 lists.

So why didn't I put together a lists of the top 10 TV shows of 2007 earlier (like, say, 2007)? Well, it's partly because I'm lazy. But it's also partly because I was in the middle of being sucked into "The Wire" (I got the DVDs on the cheap during Black Friday in November) and I wanted to finish the fantastic fourth season so I could officially include on my list.

There's only one problem. The fourth season aired between September and December '06 and the newest season premiered Jan. 6, 2008, meaning the show never aired a new episode in '07. Whoops.

What follows is a list of my favorite shows of 2007, along with some honorable mentions (and some dishonorable mentions). Also, don't worry (I could tell you were worried) — a list of my top 10 movies of 2007 will follow at some point — I'm waiting to see some of the year-end flicks that haven't been released in Florida yet, as well as a few films I have on DVD (3:10 to Yuma, Zodiac) that could make the cut once I get around to watching them.

Anyway, here are my favorite TV shows of 2007. If a show that you like isn't on here, then, no offense, but I probably just don't have time to watch it. Or it's garbage.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

The Wire (HBO): Nevermind the technicality that kept it off my list and the fact that it smartly and entertainingly explores corruption in politics within the Baltimore police department, drug game and, in the fourth season, the school system with equal effectiveness. What other show do you know can delegate its apparent protagonist (Det. Jimmy McNulty) to the background for virtually the entire season, while bringing mostly unknown, but fantastic child actors to the forefront. I'm glad I took the time to catch up with this show before it was over.

Weeds (Showtime): One of the funniest comedies on TV. Picked up nicely from a hell of a cliffhanger to nicely balance the dark humor and dramatic moments. Finished strong too, with Nancy's pot business, apparently, going up in smoke.

House M.D. (Fox): The reality-show concept for the new season has been entertaining, if slightly drawn out, but it makes the list on the sheer force of Hugh Laurie's genius.

Nip/Tuck (FX): It's still more up-and-down than I'd like, but the move to California definitely rejuvenated the show.

Project Runway (Bravo): Even with a just-ok group of contestants, it's the best of the reality shows out there.

Reaper (CW): My favorite new show of the season. Started off strong, lost some steam in the middle, but started getting interesting again. Good writing and infinitely likeable cast.

(DIS)HONORABLE MENTIONS

Heroes (NBC) 24 (Fox): I'm not going to pretend like I'm going to stop watching these shows. But 24 had its worst.season.ever, while "Heroes", after getting off to a strong start in its first season, fielded a weak finale before mostly collapsing during its second year.

American Idol (Fox): Worst batch of contestants ever.

On the Lot (Fox): Most disappointing execution of a cool idea. Ever.

October Road (ABC): I tried watching this the other night and just couldn't. It's completely unwatchable. Discounting all the dopey reality shows on MTV, VH-1, etc, this is the worst show on TV.

THE TOP 10

10. Desperate Housewives (ABC): Still not perfect by any means (why is Mike Delfino still a character on this show?), but earned a spot on this list thanks to its strong comeback in the fall. Credit the four leads, as well as one of TV's deepest and strongest supporting casts, which got better with the addition of Dana Delaney.

9. Tell Me You Love Me (HBO): Ok, you got me. I tuned in because I read that it had HBO's relationship drama had some of the most graphic sex scenes in a TV show outside of Cinemax. And it delivered in that regard. That notwithstanding, this is not an easy show to watch. It can be slow at times, depressing at others and there's no happy ending. I didn't even have my girlfriend to watch it with. Still, the acting (almost perfect) and realistic writing kept me hypnotized. It'll be even more fun when I can watch it with Erica.

8. Damages (FX): I tuned in to see Glenn Close carry a TV show and she didn't disappoint. She was a force of nature. The story? It seemed a bit too contrived and twisty for its own good. Eventually though, the story caught up with Close and I found myself tuning in for both. The writing still wasn't perfect, but stylish direction and excellent acting made up for that. Besides Close, Rose Byrne got better as the season went along and became a decent anchor, while Ted Danson and Zeljko Ivanek were both Emmy-worthy.

7. Ugly Betty (ABC): Ok, I admit it. More often than not, I tune out of this show halfway through to watch 4 on this list. Still, this show makes the grade for its all-around funny cast, FANTASTIC use of guest stars (the best on TV), and the fact that it was one of the few shows that premiered last year that didn't go into the tank in its second season (I'm looking at you "Heroes")

6. The Shield (FX): Just because it aired a LONG time ago doesn't mean I forgot all about it. It's on this list, not just because it's one of the best-written and acted cop shows on TV, but because it defied my expectations of how it would deal with a key character's death — for such an explosive show, it did so in a subtle, thoughtful way. I can't wait for the final season this year.

5. Friday Night Lights (NBC): I love the characters on this show like they were real people (especially Coach Taylor and his wife, Tami, as well as Smash and Tim Riggins). It's probably because the writers do a good job of having each person act in a realistic and relatable way. For a show about a football team, its weakest point is actually the football scenes (does Dillon ALWAYS have to win on the last play?). Other than that, the show deals with small-town life in a subtle way, which has made subplots in year two involving a murder in self-defense and a tornado a bit jarring. Still one of the best shows on TV.

4. 30 Rock (NBC): Probably the most laugh-out-loud funny show on TV and, like Ugly Betty, it's possible that it's gotten stronger in its second year. Like "Betty", this show also makes brilliant use of guest stars (except for Jerry Seinfeld, who was disappointingly mediocre) to surround the underrated Jane Krakowski, the brilliant Alec Baldwin, the insane (and insanely funny) Tracy Morgan and Tina Fey, who's probably become the best sitcom anchor since, yep, Jerry Seinfeld. This show gets the nod because it's winningly mixes smart and crazy for its comedy and because it's leading the way in spawning catchphrases and in-jokes ("Werewolf Bar Mitzvah", "Enormé" perfume).

3. The Sopranos (HBO): More than enough has been written about this show (one of the best ever — really) and particularly its polarizing finale. I'll just add that I love how pretty much every significant character got a chance to shine during the final season and creator David Chase ended the show on his terms. I mean, that's how he wrote the rest of the show, so I don't understand how people could be so shocked that he ended it the same way.

2. The Office (NBC): I've said this is the best show on TV before, and I'll probably say it again. The writing is second to none, the acting is just as good and, while "30 Rock" may be flat-out funnier at times, the dramatic acting on this show is just as good as what you'll find on the best dramas, making it a much more heartfelt show. Extra points go to Steve Carrell and Rainn Wilson for making ridiculous characters that could grow annoying quickly fresh and to the writers for finding an interesting way to get a will-they/won't-they couple together (Jim and Pam) without killing the show.

1. Lost (ABC): Along with "The Office", this is the only show that I actively anticipate throughout the week. It gets the nod over "The Office" because, once it came back from its winter hiatus in February (after a batch of fall episodes that were merely ok), the show hit the ground running and never looked back. During that second half surge, it was simply the best thing on TV last year, leading up to a season finale that was one of the best five episodes of any TV show that I've ever seen in my whole life. I thoroughly enjoyed the rest of the shows on this list, but, because of everything I just said, "Lost" HAS to be 1.

So what was your favorite show? Feel free to disagree with or yell at me for leaving out your favorite.