American Idol: Cowboy Up

When this episode opened with that dumb faux apology for Steven Tyler’s behavior, I had a feeling we’d be in for a subpar show. (And what exactly would he have to apologize for? Being the best thing about this season of “American Idol” so far.)

What followed was an underwhelming audition episode from Austin that, in hindsight, looked like it was jam-packed with talent after I got around to watching the L.A. auditions the following night. (More on that slo-mo train wreck in my following post.)

(As always, whenever I feel like an episode has wasted our time, I try to keep my recaps short so that I don’t waste yours.)

What was most frustrating about this episode was that three of the singers who were jammed into one of those teasing montage of goodness — Shauntel Campos, Alex Carr, and Caleb Johnson — seemed like they had more promise than a lot of the people who got entire audition segments AND tickets to Hollywood.

I’m thinking of Corey Levoy, who auditioned with “I Can’t Make You Love Me.” In case you don’t remember him, the second most interesting thing about him is that he has a high, androgynous speaking/singing voice that other people tease him about. The most interesting about him is that he has a “J.Lo booty.” Oh yeah, his singing was also ok.

That being said, Corey’s segment wasn’t nearly as painful as Hollie Cavanaugh’s, who botched her initial audition by changing keys 5 times (according to Randy) on “At Last”, but got a second chance when J.Lo implored her to get it together and try again. The judges liked “The Climb” better, but that’s like me saying I liked this flat soda more than I liked the shit milkshake I was served originally. The worst part was that the segment went on and on (they actually cut to commercial in the middle of it). That’s a LOT of time dedicated to someone who will almost certainly be immediately eliminated in Hollywood.

The worst offender was probably Courtney Penry. I mean, is there ANYONE out there who actually believes she’s obsessed with Ryan Seacrest? But you know what? I’m not mad at her. She can sing a little bit. (Sugarland’s “Stay.”) The fact is I personally know about a dozen amazing singers who have tried out for the show and haven’t come close to sniffing airtime. If acting like a lunatic increases her chances of getting her foot on the door, then you do what you gotta do. Of course, the Seacrest obsession AND the chicken impersonation was too much crazy for me to handle.

On a somewhat more promising note, we got theatrical couple Jacqueline Dunford and Nick Fink. Nick, we were told by Jacqueline, is basically a boy version of her. Personally, I liked his version of “Sunday Morning” more than I liked her version of “Mercy”, which was a little forced, just like everything else about them. Usually, you root for couples to make it through subsequent rounds together, but I can’t wait to see these two get separated.

In fact, I only counted three singers with possible top 20/12/10 potential.

The most glaring one is obviously John Wayne Schulz (pictured, right), who, it turns out, is a cowboy and not an assassin. (Could’ve gone either way.) I mean, anyone who has “cowboy” listed as their occupation is inherently cool. His version of “Believe” by Brooks and Dunn was very strong, but I’m not sure yet if he’s a spectacular singer. Fortunately for him, he’s got star power to spare. However, as with all “country singers” I worry if he’s versatile enough to adapt to the competition’s different themes.

I don’t have that same worry about Janelle Arthur, my favorite singer last night. She gave a quietly brilliant audition which smoothly segued from Duffy’s “Syrup and Honey” to Shania Twain’s “No One Needs to Know” and also showed up a lilting, jazzy, totally pleasant voice.

Finally, there was Casey Abrams and his tiny keyboard, which initially probably led a lot of people to believe he was a clown. Instead, he delivered a scat-tastic version of Ray Charles’ “I Don’t Need No Doctor”, and was generally a cool presence on the show. Still, my favorite thing about him was that he was the first “Last audition of the evening” to not come with a pre-packaged sob story. I mean, there MAY be some tragic event in Casey’s potentially-sucky life…but I’m just glad we weren’t forced to hear it last night.

So what’d you think of this episode? Should Marc Anthony pop by more often? Finally, how would Ryan Seacrest have turned out if he’d been raised by John Wayne Schulz’s dad? (First off, I think his name would’ve been more like Ryan Riggins Saracen.)