American Idol: San Francisco Treats

Let’s face it. By this time every year, we’re ready for the audition rounds to be DONE, no matter how good (or cluelessly bad) the talent is. I think even the people that tune out after the parade of bad/delusional/costumed singers ends have usually had enough by now.

And so, “American Idol” made its final pit stop at San Francisco, City by the Bay. (What they don’t tell you is that the “bay” is frequented by seagulls that will poop on you!)

Speaking of poop, I usually group all the delusional losers/attention whores into one paragraph of suck without typing their names (so as not to encourage them), but…that Transformers costume was AWESOME! (Then again, I get an unnatural kick out of watching a robot transform into a vehicle…for some reason it makes me giddy.) Also, we finally found out what makes Steven Tyler angry: subpar “rocker guys.”

After last week’s apocalypse of atrocious singing, it would’ve been pretty hard for any audition episode to do worse. That’s my semi-fancy way of saying that I don’t know whether this week’s episode was actually good or “Thank god it was better than last week” good.

I’m leaning toward the former because there were a couple of singers who have top 20/12/10 potential, and at least one singer we’re almost guaranteed to hear from again in Hollywood Week.

I’m talking, of course, about James Durbin (pictured, left). The one good thing about last week’s episodes was that they bypassed the memorial “Final Singer/Sob Story” timeslot. Well, that came back in a big way because last night’s final singer was like “The Perfect Storm” of sob stories.

I honestly hate to sound like I’m trivializing the guy’s problems, but the segment felt like an “Idol” producer was going down a laundry list of problems and checking them off. An affliction? James suffers from Aspergers (check) AND Tourettes syndromes (double check!) Past tragedy? He never got to know his dad, who died of a drug overdose when he was nine (check). Current hardship? The guy is unemployed (check) and has an adorable, possibly diaper-less, kid to support.

I didn’t even get around to the fact that he’s an Adam Lambert sound-a-like (except not nearly as good), who fared better with “You Shook Me” than he did when he took on “Dream On.”

By that comparison, everyone else last night had an easy life.

That includes Stefano Langone who survived a severe, life-threatening, but vague “accident” to emerge with scarred arms but a still-handsome face to charm the “Idol” judges. To be honest, I remember his piano belt buckle more than what his voice sounded like on “I Heard It Through the Grapevine”, so that can’t be good. What IS good is that he’s immensely likable and that J.Lo thinks he has S-T-A-R quality. (Kara DioGuardi totally would’ve messed up trying to spell that out, right?)

Additionally, when you compare Emily Anne Reed with James Durbin, she’s living a charmed life. And her house just burned down! Unlike Stefano, her voice was definitely more memorable than her back story, and is probably the most unique voice we’ve heard so far. I think it’s fantastic, and I think she could walk into a recording studio tomorrow and make an album I would listen to, but that doesn’t guarantee success in this competition. There will be comparisons to Megan Joy Corkrey, and I can’t help but worry that Emily Ann won’t similarly peak in the ninth to 12th place range if she becomes a finalist.

Hell, nothing bad even technically happened TO Julie Zorilla. It was mostly her parents who were terrorized by guerillas in Colombia. (I love that Fox had all that guerilla stock footage lying around, just waiting for a chance to use it.) Julie had a fantastic audition with “Summertime” and basically appears to be exactly what the show is looking for: a strong clear voice on a pretty, likable girl. She’s what some might call a “package artist.” Unfortunately, that will be the main thing working against her for voters who want something different/quirky/unexpected.

Then there’s Clint Jun Gamboa who…well, nothing bad happened to him. The guy is just a karaoke host in Long Beach who was encouraged to try out for the show by some people he knows. (Side note: I feel like I could TOTALLY be a karaoke host if I threw myself into it. The thing is I don’t think anyone really throws themselves into being a karaoke host.)

I thought he had an overactive case of the runs during his “Billionaire” audition, but I wasn’t mad at him because he displayed remarkable control and totally pulled them off. There’s just no way I’m ever calling him “Junebug.” (Well, again.)

We also had some promising singers lumped together into a Tri-force of goodness. My favorite was that one brunette girl’s interesting take on “Mercy.” (My sources tell me her name was Brittany Mazur.)

So what’d you think of this episode? Is there any way that bubbly Ukranian chick who auditioned first was NOT a mail order bride? Do you have someone in your life that leaves you inspirational post-it notes? Who is the one audition round contestant you ABSOLUTELY have to see during the Hollywood round or you’ll be crushed? Finally, if someone farts, should they be allowed to finish singing?