Jersey Shore: Crocodilly Tears

Silly me.

When Sammi mercifully left the “Jersey Shore” house at the end of last week’s dramatic/traumatic episode, I foolishly thought she’d be, you know, gone from the show! Even though I’d seen that online promo that revealed she’d eventually return, I thought her recent departure would at least mean that she’d miss an episode or two.

Nope!

Even though she was gone from Seaside Heights, we got a brief scene of her back home and getting support from her mom, who appears to be a thoroughly decent human being (it’s easy to forget those exist if you watch this show for too long). She even had a voice cameo when she and Ronnie had an awkward phone conversation that would make fans of the British “Office” cringe.

Speaking of cringing, that’s what I imagine a lot of people at home were doing due to all the clogged toilets, soiled underwear, constipation and Situational antics featured in this snoozer of an episode, which was the inevitable calm letdown following last week’s thunderous storm. For example, one of the episode’s big, dramatic scenes came when J-Woww and the girls cleaned some of Sammi’s stuff out of her room while Ronnie was at work, followed by Ronnie coming home and…asking where Sammi’s stuff had gone! For some reason, the girls lied and…nothing really came of it! (Dun-Dun, DUNNNN!!!)

In the immediate aftermath of Sammi’s departure, Ronnie was a mess. (Who’s surprised?!) He cried in the bathroom at work (as Snooki impatiently waited for the toilet.) He sent flowers (and chocolate and a balloon and a teddy bear) to Sam as a peace offering. Perhaps worst of all, he got unsolicited advice from Snooki — who accurately told him that he and Sammi did NOT belong together…Ronnie predictably blew her of — and The Situation. Even Ronnie knows that getting relationship advice from The Situation is like learning how to fly a plane from a sailor. I’d say it’s more like getting ballroom dancing advice from The Situation.

Although it’s pretty much impossible for me to feel bad for Ronnie at this point, I did like seeing him somewhat come to Deena’s rescue when she started tearfully, drunkenly melting down about the fact that no one in the house seemed to like her. From the moment she arrived, Deena fit in almost a little too well with the “Shore” house’s freewheeling vibe, so it was interesting to see that she DOES feel a bit of insecurity and pressure about joining a group of people who were already “stars.” Meanwhile, Ronnie seemed to be thinking, “I can’t lose another cast member damnit!” and talked Deena off the ledge. Deena went on to refer to him as a brother — the rageful, abusive brother we all wish we had — which made us almost forget that her main storyline this week was tied to her constipation.

As for The/Dr./Chef/Bang-Your-Gir/Friar Situation: he was back to the full-on creeper mode he demonstrated toward the end of last season. First, he appeared to literally snatch up Pauly D’s ex as Pauly was talking to her, and began dry humping her. Later, as Vinny was hooking up with the girl he brought home, The Situation barged into the room and weirdly force-fed Vinny a pickle and a bite of his burger. This was a MUCH creepier barge-in than Vinny and company coming into Snooki’s room while she was trying to hook up with whats-his-name, the guy who had been an accessory to a cock block a few weeks before. (Come on, Snooki…even I remember that Bernard’s name was Gianni…or something.)

I haven’t even mentioned the part where The Situation ruined Vinny’s prank. Snooki and Deena had started a prank war against VP by smashing some cake into Vinny’s face. Vinny tried to retaliate by putting puppy poop in her pillow, but Deena — actually using her miniscule size to her advantage — was hiding under the bed and put the poop back in Vinny’s bed. That led to Vinny and Pauly kidnapping Snooki’s beloved stuffed crocodile (creatively named Crocodilly) and hanging him off the balcony. As Snooki was desperately searching for him, The Situation told her that he’d seen somebody hang him over the side of the balcony.

Vinny was understandably annoyed and dubbed him “The Snitchuation”, but I’m with Mike…that prank was kind of lame.

So what’d you think of this episode? Who DID that nasty pair of underwear belong to? Do we believe Deena and J-Woww when they said it wasn’t either of them? (At least Pauly got some good one-liners in. He claimed they didn’t belong to Snooki because there was no bronzer on them and they weren’t his because his underwear are red.) Finally, is there anyone out there actually looking forward to Sammi’s return next week?