Desperate Housewives: What They Do For Their Kids

I just don’t know where any of this is going.

To say that most of the storylines on “Desperate Housewives” have taken unpredictable turns is an understatement. Unfortunately, I don’t mean that in a good, “I’m excited to be surprised” kind of way.

What I mean is that I don’t see how the situations involving Bree, Susan and Gabby can possibly end in a satisfying (or even funny) way. (And I haven’t even mentioned the fact that the writers don’t seem to know what to do with Vanessa Williams’ Renee other than having the character provide a burst of bitch every once in a while.)

I’m perfectly aware the show has dramatic elements and that it’s basically a nighttime soap, but let’s not pretend that, at its heart, it’s anything other than a comedy.

Ok, never mind having the storylines end in a satisfying or funny way…can we at least have Susan’s kidney drama just END?!

I mean, here are the options for this storyline as I see them: Susan stays on the donor list for a few years — which is actually a relatively realistic scenario — but I don’t believe the show’s writers (or ANY show’s writers) can make dialysis funny. (I also don’t trust them to realistically and respectfully portray a person living with that condition.) The other option is a quick fix that has a kidney practically drop on Susan’s doorstep.

That’s why I was kind of hoping Susan would take Monroe the High School Stalker up on his offer.

Dave Foley played Monroe, an old friend of Susan’s from high school, and it was pretty clear as soon as he volunteered to give her his kidney that he wasn’t doing it out of the goodness of his heart. After a creepy hug and a shrine — featuring locks of hair, a retainer and an ill-gotten bikini pic — Susan was direct with Monroe and told him that she couldn’t accept any of his organs if he expected her affection in return. Maybe he wouldn’t been happy with Susan just accepting one of his dozen Facebook friend requests.

Then there’s Bree. Last time out I predicted that her hiding the existence of Keith’s son Charlie from him would be the end of that relationship.

Last night, Bree came clean to Keith after watching him bond with Charlie at an arcade where Bree was attempting to pay off Keith’s ex, Amber. We didn’t get to see the immediate fallout of Bree keeping Keith’s son a secret or if he has any feelings for Amber. Either way, it just seems that Bree and Keith are only together so that the writers can invent ways to try and tear them apart. (Her ex, his dad, their different tastes in food, etc.) Either break them up or at least give them a legitimate shot as a couple for at least a few episodes!

As for Gabby…well last night, we got a little more insight into why she became so fixated on Grace. Early on, she tried to sabotage her own therapy session by asking for wine and bragging about her misadventures with various members of the Rolling Stones. It was all so she could avoid talking about her childhood. After Carlos found out she was getting massage therapy when she was supposed to be seeing a psychologist, he gave her a couple of spanks and made her go. (I’ll admit to laughing out loud when she tried to sneak out the fire escape and he was standing there, even if the background looked hilariously fake.)

It was there that she admitted to him that she had been avoiding talking about how she was molested as a child by her stepfather. Ever since, she’s had a heightened desire to protect children, which explains her obsession with Grace. (Unfortunately, it doesn’t explain why she’s often a crappy mom to Juanita and Celia, but whatever.) Most importantly, child molestation is right up there with dialysis in bringing the laugh party to a screeching halt, so I’m not really sure why the writers would even go there.

At least they decided to have a little bit of fun with Lynette, who is usually the stick in the mud of the group. Her hilariously obnoxious/racist/sexist father-in-law Frank was back and as cantankerous as ever. He was demanding a family portrait so that he could rub it in his previous families’ faces. (Especially the ex-wife who stares angrily from across the cafeteria.) Unfortunately, he died as soon as Tom took the picture. Of course, the Scavos had to wait until the next day so that Lynette’s mom Stella could claim the inheritance.

I laughed at Penny asking if the house was going to be haunted, and I also laughed at Lynette messing with a jumpy Tom. What I didn’t fully understand is that last week Stella claimed she wasn’t ONLY marrying Frank for his money, and that she appreciated his companionship since Lynette wasn’t always around. This week, Stella was all about the money. More alarmingly, she began throwing so much of it around and blackmailing her family to the point where it looks like she was going to become just like Frank. Oh well. At least I can see this storyline going somewhere.

Finally, there’s Paul Young, who was looking for his “son” Zach to confront him about the fact that Zach shot him. Paul went to Mike (Zach’s biological dad) for help, but Mike lied and told him that he didn’t know where Zach was. It wasn’t until he saw Zach — who’d blown all his grandfather’s money and become a drug addict — that he enlisted Paul’s help to save the boy.

This would all be incredibly touching and interesting if I cared about Zach Young…even a little bit. But that’s just me. Sorry.

So what’d you think of this episode? When did Dave Foley get so fat? (He was so thin on “Newsradio”…and as a woman during his “Kids in the Hall” run.) Was Mike too busy helping Zach to help Susan deal with her stalker? (Or at least be present to help discourage the guy.) Finally, am I being too hard on this show, or has this season taken a turn for the worse ever since the riot?