Jersey Shore: Everybody Hearts Pauly D

I can’t believe I’m about to say/type this, but last night’s episode of “Jersey Shore” made me feel bad for Sammi.

(If you recall, I’m the guy’s who has repeatedly said things like “Sammi is the worst” and who has considered titling more than one of these recaps, “Dear God, Seriously Is There Anyone Worse Than Sammi?!?!”)

After Sammi’s WAY too short reconciliation with the rest of the “Shore” cast (why did I let myself feel like the good vibes would last), Ronnie and Sammi were up to their old tricks again after Ronnie tried to consume all the alcohol in Seaside Heights. Back at the house, Ronnie vomited into a bag, while Sammi threatened to vomit at the sight of his vomit, and I couldn’t help but wonder what a fun, disgusting chain they could’ve created.

Ronnie wasn’t feeling well the next morning. In fact, he informed Sammi that he was bleeding when he went to the bathroom. (Geez, can we go back to the vomiting.) This lead to a rectal exam (with Ronnie making the predictable, “Gee, Doc, could you buy me a drink first?” jokes) that was completely overshadowed by the random, amusing and completely unnecessary shots of Sammi in the waiting room. I was mostly shocked that she wasn’t straightening her hair while she was waiting. (Cut to The Situation yelling, “It’s already straight!”)

Later, Ronnie picked a fight with Sammi because Ron and the guys had been stuck with cleaning duties. Yes, Sammi is soul-suckingly needy and can be relentlessly annoying, but watching Ronnie emotionally bully her throughout the rest of the episode was absolutely no fun. If I had to guess, I’d say that, in his mind, he was done with Sammi last week (before everyone else talked her into staying) and has been subconsciously picking fights since then to get her to go.

The problem is that, based on what we saw last night, Sammi is the one of the two who is attempting to grow from the experience — participating in a field trip to a sex shop where J-Woww seemed embarrassed by how much hotter she looked in her outfit than Deena and Snooki = growth on this show — while Ronnie is the one acting like a little kid. (Don’t think I didn’t notice that Ronnie was the one who was stuck in bed this episode, not Sammi.)

Most importantly, I feel like they’re actually done this time. Then again, I also believed that one of these days Lucy wouldn’t pull the football away, so what do I know?

Perhaps I’m just HOPING they’re done so that I can stop dedicating half of my recaps to these two. This is especially true when there are other, more fun things to talk about: namely, Pauly D.

How charismatic is Pauly D? Last night, he was able to win over Danielle, the girl who was “stalking his life,” just so he could humiliate her all over again. And somehow we (and everyone else in the house) still love the guy. Pauly and Vinny are probably sitting around thinking of ways to get each other to say the word “stalk” (or “stork”) right now!

I haven’t even mentioned the fact that Snooki, Deena, maybe J-Woww and perhaps even Vinny (in dreams) want to make out with him. (Snooki wins because she also wants his sperm.) Or how about the brilliant bit where Snooki’s temporary man of her dreams Jeff called the house and Pauly pretended to be an answering machine with dim Jeff actually leaving a message. (Don’t forget to send the roses and fried pickles.)

Oh Snooki. I really thought Jeff could be The One. The way you two fell on the floor laughing after he fell off the wobbly stripper pole. Unfortunately that union was ultimately thwarted, not by Snooki’s period (this episode brought to you by “Ick”), but by the fact that Jeff had been promise-ringed (not engaged) to someone else. That means he’s damaged goods. (Sure, there’s a chance that he may also be traumatized by his time in the Army, but Snooki was more put off by the promise ring thing.)

At least we learned that all the salt in the ocean comes from whale sperm.

So what’d you think of this episode? Does Deena only hook up guys whose names start with the letter “D”? (Dean, Dario, Duh Situation.) Did Deena ruin “Willy Wonka” for you by giving up her “golden ticket”? Didn’t Snooki vow to stop — or at least cut down on — her drinking? (Cut to her passed out drunk in the doggie area.) Finally, what other things should Danny throw at the cast to get them to “work”?