Jersey Shore: Dining with Myself

“Hi, Sam.”

With that casual greeting, Pauly D casually welcomed Sammi (Not So) Sweetheart back into the “Jersey Shore” house.

(My reaction as she walked in was a LOT closer to this.)

Even though we’re smack dab in the middle of the lull that seems to hit the second half of every “Jersey Shore” season — maybe each season should only have five or six episodes — I am NOT excited about the prospect of more Sammi and Ronnie drama.

I mean, did you see them in this episode? Sammi looked healthy and happy at home with her mom and her potential badass of a sister. For his part, Ronnie seemed to be getting back to the jolly self we all forgot existed because he had morphed into a monster after a pep talk from his dad(‘s terrific mustache). Ronnie was actually smiling and laughing in the few seconds right before Sammi walked through the door!

But enough about them. I’m sure I’ll have enough time to talk about them next week when they’re depressing relationship dominates the proceedings again.

Last night was mostly about that not-so-merry prankster The Situation and that diminutive playa Snooki.

The episode opened the morning after Snooki hooked up with what-his-name. Apparently, Gianni was less than effective in the pleasure department. I half expected Snooki to be wearing a shirt that said “I Hooked Up With Gianni Last Nigh, And All I Got Was A Sore Vagina.”

Either way, the rest of the guys started giving Snooki a hard time for bringing a guy home (double standard!), but Snooki was more interested in finding a quality cuddle partner, so she called Nick, who is friends with Roger, J-Woww’s kinda-boyfriend. If you thought that previous sentence was confusing, fasten your seat belts. Nick had previously hooked up with Snooki, but he stood her up on their latest date because it turns out that he’s friends with Gianni. On top of that, Gianni is apparently cousins with Jeff, yet another guy that Snooki hooked up with.

(DISCLAIMER: It’s entirely possible that I confused some names or how some of these guys actually related to each other in the previous paragraph, but you get the picture: Snooki needs to expand her horizons.)

Maybe she could’ve met a quality guy in Times Square.

To get back at Snooki and Deena for putting marshmallows all over the house (and for annoying him while he was on the phone), The Situation arranged for a cab to drive them all the way to Times Square, instead of Jenkinson’s. Now, in my opinion, THIS is a prank, and much better than Vinny hanging Snooki’s stuffed Crocodilly over the balcony. Pauly D agreed, and so did Vinny. I actually thought Vinny might rat The Situation out after The Situation blew Vinny’s (lame) gag last week, but thankfully he’s no snitch and went along with it.

Once the girls realized they had no idea where they were going, they understandably freaked out, but after that I can’t really explain their reaction to you. They seemed like they were really upset. Then they got really drunk anyway. Then they started laughing and partying. But then they were angry again. As Mike said, their behavior defied the Law of Intelligence. (Who wants to be the one to tell Sitch that that’s not a thing?) Also, why were the girls so upset? They got a free ride into New York City…and they started it!

The fact that the girls were so pissed off at him didn’t seem to faze The Situation because he was still hurting over being abandoned by his boys when they went out for dinner.

Now with creative editing, it’s impossible to say how long the guys were actually waiting around for Mike to get ready after he said he’d be down in a few minutes. If you’re to believe the episode, The Situation was up there for five hours. (Personally, I think it was closer to 25 minutes.) Either way, Vinny, Pauly and Ronnie ditched them to eat at a restaurant that served enough food to feed anyone who has ever appeared on the “Jersey Shore.” Pauly called himself a gluttonous piece of s--- afterwards. (Hey, he used the word “gluttonous” correctly…he IS the smart one!)

The Situation, meanwhile, was left to eat on his own. Apparently, he was too depressed to drive after his boys left him — he’d been there for Ronnie, and he’d bought Pauly that awesome toy bike — so J-Woww took him. I have to say, the episode’s MVP was probably whichever one of Jenni’s dogs barked and bit at Mike when he was being an impatient passenger seat driver.

Watching Mike eat dinner with himself and pretend to have a conversation with his friends was fascinating, sad, funny at times, and more than a little tragic. In other words, it perfectly encapsulated why I watch this show.

So what’d you think of this episode? Where and what IS Jenkinson’s? (I’m not from that part of the country, so I have no clue.) What do these people have to do for Danny to fire them from their "job"? Finally, why can't Snooki see that Vinny isn't really being a gentleman by not hooking up with her? (He's just not that into her.)