Jersey Shore: Walking on Broken Glasses

It’s a general rule of thumb that pretty much nothing Ronnie says make sense.

Well, that incoherent was taken to a new, scary level last night in what was undoubtedly the most intense, depressing, exhilarating episode in the history of “Jersey Shore.”

There were so many twist and turns last night (me feeling bad for Sammi and wishing she would stay?!) and Ronnie’s mind-boggling, Xenadrine-fueled declarations didn’t help.

My top 3 “Huh!” Ronnie-to-Sammi quotes (in descending order):

3. As their ugly fight reached its climax, Ronnie inexplicably yelled at Sammi, “How many times did you cook for me?! None, you useless spoiled bitch!” (Come on, Sammi! How hard is it to whip up a protein shake for your man? Step your game up!)

2. “Be a woman and man up!”

1. “You disrespected me in front of my face.” (Actually, this one might secretly be genius, and I may end up using it.)

And these are just the direct quotes!

During Ronnie’s depressing and prolonged assault on humanity last night, his rationale for his past actions wasn’t exactly sound. For example, according to him, The Situation is a bad guy for violating guy code by “bringing up Miami” and half-heartedly confirming that the facts in “the letter” were true. However, Ronnie is completely blameless for the actions that inspired the letter and Sammi’s mistrust in the first place! Now, I’ve referred to Mike as The Instigation in this very space and he is a confirmed pot-stirrer, but even he was smart enough that Ronnie was just looking to fight someone last night and quickly backed off.

Then there’s Ronnie instant-classic contention that when he was all over other women in Miami it was ok because he did it behind Sammi’s back. Meanwhile, Sammi’s a horrible person because she dared do it to his face. (Never mind that they were officially broken up, and that he’d told her half an hour before he dumped her that he was going to find someone to smush at Aztec.)

I mean, did the common sense part of his brain break or did it never work in the first place?

Ronnie was seriously scary last night and watching him trash Sammi’s belongings (not the glasses…I liked those!) made me wonder what exactly has to happen for the producers to step in. (Then again, Sammi clocked Ronnie in the face without any repercussions.) It’s clear that the rest of the cast is scared of this outta-control gorilla juicehead, but SOMEBODY has to stand up to him.

I said earlier that I wished Sammi would stay…but I’m not sad that she’s gone. It was OBVIOUS that one of them had to go. Obviously, I wish Ronnie would’ve gotten kicked out (as The Situation said, he violated “human code!”) and Sammi could stay (Revenge Sammi was fun!), but I understand why she left.

That doesn’t mean I’m completely letting her off the hook. She’s still a weak, annoying drip — Sammi, can’t you see that Ron doesn’t want to talk right now?! Maybe stop bugging him and leave him alone for a while, like yelling “I hate you, leave me alone!” as you follow him around the house — but nobody deserves to get treated that way. (You can tell Ronnie knew he screwed up because he called her “Samantha.”)

I also don’t feel bad in light of reports that she’ll be back at some point. (She’s basically choosing to come back to her own personal hell.) Who knows…maybe Ronnie will be somewhere else by the time she comes back. (But probably not.)

All the drama understandably overshadowed what was actually a pretty funny outing of “Jersey Shore.”

I can’t decide what my favorite moment was. I don’t think it was Snooki making fun of the waiter with the tight pants and male camel toe. (She missed out on making yet another reference to Vinny’s penis.)

I think it might’ve been Sammi seeing Ronnie hanging around with Pauly D early in the episode and apparently thinking that Ronnie was with a woman. (Poor Pauly D.)

Was it Snooki, Deena and Sammi surfing down the staircase on Sammi’s mattress or Snooki and Deena trying to move the bed downstairs? Close, but no.

It was definitely the fact that, when J-Woww came out in her do-me bondage outfit, Snooki looked more turned on than Roger.

So what’d you think of this episode? How could Ronnie and Sammy argue so much when Pauly D’s sneakers were dirty?! Did you feel bad for Sammi? Is Ronnie the worst person in this cast or the worst person ever?