NFL Week 5 Picks

Come on, keep it moving. Nothing to see here. I know it looks like a car wreck, but it's just my record last week (4-10 week, 34-28 overall). Apparently, I don't learn because here I go again:

MIAMI @ HOUSTON
Honestly, who the hell knows? Damn it's only the first pick and I'm already in I don't give a damn mode. Maybe I should grow a beard. Anyway, I'll go with the home team that's actually won this year.

ATLANTA @ TENNESSEE
Don't look know, but Atlanta's won the last two games and Joey Harrington has been solid (3TDs, no INTs). That being said, I loved the way the Titans looked on Monday night against the Saints when last we saw them, so I think they'll keep it rolling.

JACKSONVILLE @ KANSAS CITY (mini-upset)
Ok, so I can no longer call Kansas City the worst team in the league. Although Jacksonville is better, they tend to go to sleep when they're not playing someone REALLY good, so I'll go with the Chiefs at Arrowhead.

N.Y. JETS @ N.Y GIANTS
The Jets travel all the way to the Meadowlands to take on the Giants. And since both of these teams have been wildly inconsistent, I'm much madder at the Jets for losing to Buffalo (blech). The Giants win thanks to their homefield advantage.

CAROLINA @ NEW ORLEANS
Ok, so David Carr looked awful/pathetic last week, but the Saints have looked awful all year. New Orleans HAS to win at some point, right?

ARIZONA @ ST. LOUIS (upset)
I hereby present my new "Worst Team In the League", as St. Louis has wrestled that title away from Kansas City over the past few weeks. Congratulations on the win that's sure to follow after I've counted you out. This despite the fact that Arizona uses two quarterbacks and St. Louis only uses one (and it's Gus Frerotte this week. Yeesh). I say we're about two weeks away from stories about Matt Leinart being unhappy with having to share his job with Kurt Warner. Stay tuned.

CLEVELAND @ NEW ENGLAND
Thank god for the Patriots and the Colts. I mean, those are two guaranteed wins for my picks column every week. Also, Browns QB Derek Anderson (pictured, left) is single-handedly saving Romeo Crennel's job — and making me look like an idiot (not that it's difficult). I hate Derek Anderson.

SEATTLE @ PITTSBURGH
Ok, this is the last week I pick against Seattle. Unless they lose, then I'll continue to believe they're overrated. Hopefully Pittsburgh will be awake from last week's nap which resulted in them sleeping through their game against the Cardinals.

DETROIT @ WASHINGTON
Interesting game here as Washington likes to slow the game down and run the ball, while Detroit likes to lineup with nine wide receivers. I'll go with Washington because a lot of people are overlooking how bad Detroit's pass defense is (last in the league) and the Redskins have a few deep threats in Santana Moss and Antwan Randle-el. Also, I added Jason Campbell to my fantasy team (during Carson Palmer's bye week) just for this one game, so they'd better play well. Either way, I kind of expect a shootout.

TAMPA BAY @ INDIANAPOLIS
Oh it's so tempting, and I WANT to pick the Bucs, but there's no way they're winning against the Colts in that dome. It doesn't have anything to do with Cadillac Williams being out for the year either. He's been pretty useless since his first year. I know it may seem cruel to bash a guy who ripped his knee up, but what can I say? He sucks.

SAN DIEGO @ DENVER
Since I hate the Chargers, I've been utterly delighted at the surprise collapse under new coach Norv Turner. In fact, I'm actually kind of surprised that I'm surprised since I said myself that Turner was a terrible coach. Anyway, even though they bitch slapped the Broncos last year, I don't see them going into Mile High Stadium and beating the Broncos, who REALLY need a win all of a sudden.

BALTIMORE @ SAN FRANCISCO
It's the Trent Dilfer Bowl as the old, I mean, veteran QB makes his first start since 2005 against the team he "led" to a Super Bowl victory. San Francisco is just abysmal and not too far behind St. Louis for "Worst Team in the League" status. I guess I'll go with the Raven in the "Zzzzz, Catch up on your Sleep" game of the week.

CHICAGO @ GREEN BAY
I'm done with the Bears and I'm done doubting the Packers. Brett Favre LOVES being on prime time and he should shine in this Sunday night game against Rex Grossman and the Bears. What's that? Brian Griese's the Bears QB now? I really couldn't tell one three-interception game from the other.

DALLAS @ BUFFALO Buffalo on Monday Night Football? Why? I guess now I can watch "Dancing with the Stars"/ "Heroes" without worrying that I'm missing a good game.