Dancing with the Stars: Women on Top

Last night showcased my two favorite dances featured on this utterly silly reality show: the jive, which is most like swing, and the tango, which is dramatic, even when one of the participants is sporting a ridonkulous mustache/horse tail — seriously, that thing was WAY too much to have come from a mere pony.

And so we had the five women dominating the leaderboard. Jane, Sabrina, Mel. B, Marie and Jennie grabbed the top five slots, while the men just mostly shuffled around uncomfortably on the dance floor.

The most emotional dance of the night was obviously Jane's tango, which she dedicated to her mother, who loved the show and died this past week. Again, Jane impressed with her technique and her classy demeanor. Unfortunately, the costume designer decided to stick her with a mildly whorish looking wig some silent film actress from the 1920s threw out.

Much to my surprise, my second favorite performance was from Marie Osmond, who, again, must be thanking her lucky stars to be paired with the brilliant Jonathan Roberts. He's absolutely maximizing her potential and making her into a legitimate threat to win if she keeps getting better. Now, if only they could ban Donny from rehearsal's — homeboy's enthusiasm is kinda creepy. Funny, sometimes, but mostly creepy.

Sabrina delivered another excellent performance despite the fact that all the cool tricks (leapfrogs, backflip, worm) were performed by her pro partner, and she took the heat because the routine was too showy. I DID like the cheetah paw prints on her lapel. It's a little something for the fans without beating me over the head with the whole cheetah thing.

Meanwhile, Mel B's (or Queen B., according to host Tom Bergeron — badumba!) jive wasn't quite as good as the 27 it got (she seems to lose interest and concentration at times) and Jennie Garth (pictured, left) won the most improved award for the week. She usually looks WAY too serious out there (and even looks kinda nervous in that publicity photo accompanying this column...it's a publicity photo...relax!), but since she was doing a tango this week, it actually suited her. The judges (and everyone else in the audience) seemed really relieved that Jennie finally didn't suck.

On the other hand, the men ranged from the slightly above-competent (hello Cameron Mathison, and your impossibly cheesy Clark Kent/Superman switcheroo) to Newton. Newton is my new adjective for awful. I should be nice though, he actually turned in his best performance this week (because he didn't move around that much). But he was still awful. Sorry.

In between we had Floyd Mayweather, who is still not able to channel all his energy into technique and dancing ability and used the show to promote a December fight — because I'm sure the people that watch this show, also watch a ton of boxing. Helio Castroneves was pretty mediocre last night. Once again, he had that huge/charming grin plastered on his face, but for the first time it seemed out of place. And although his partner Julianne always throws in a ton of tricks (at the expense of the actual dance they're performing any given week), for some reason it was even more obvious this week. Maybe because Helio apparently cut his knee and tore his pants when he did some sort of overly aggressive suicide dip.

In a semi-related story, Mark Cuban is kinda hopeless and I'm not really enjoying watching him dance. I know he really wants this (although the reason WHY he wants this so bad is probably the show's biggest mystery), he's not getting better, he just had his hip replaced, and he kinda has to go. And I think he will.

Who do YOU think's getting the boot? Do this week's results definitely indicate that we're getting a female winner this year? What does Sabrina have to do to get a 10? Why does Wayne Newton own so many horses? Finally, do you miss regular co-host Samantha Harris yet? (me neither)