NFL 2008 Week 5 Picks

Of course, after bragging about my excellent record in my last picks column, I go straight in the toilet after last Sunday's games (6-7 week, 36-24 season).

Here's hoping for a return to my usual 9-7-ish happy mediocrity form this week.

KANSAS CITY @ CAROLINA
The Chiefs had the most shocking win of Week 4 with their victory of the Broncos and took themselves out of the running for Worst team in the League (dis)Honors (at least for this week). Still, I don't think they'll beat the Panthers because Carolina DOESN'T have one of the worst defenses of the past five years (cue Denver's D in the corner of the room shaking its head sadly and avoiding eye contact.)

CHICAGO @ DETROIT
Detroit had the bye week to recover from the emotional shock of losing their beloved former GM Matt Millen. And by "beloved", I mean stunningly incompetent. The loss of Millen is not why I'm picking them to win. I just don't see Chicago jumping out to a three-touchdown lead (like every other Lions opponent this season).

ATLANTA @ GREEN BAY
Ok, so Atlanta can beat up bad teams (Detroit, KC), but it can't win against good teams (Tampa, Carolina). Where does Green Bay fall into all of this? Even if Aaron Rodgers plays, he can't be 100%, which means the Pack will rely on a couple of rookie QBs. Atlanta also starts a rookie QB, but he was a 1st round pick. I'm gonna go with them and the fan base that isn't freaking out right now.

SAN DIEGO @ MIAMI
What? Ronnie Brown is going to score 5 TDs every week?

SEATTLE @ N.Y. GIANTS
Matt Hasselbeck gets two of his receivers (Bobby Engram and Deion Branch) back this week (and hopefully stops killing one of my fantasy teams), while Eli Manning is without his favorite target (Plaxico Burress) for the week. I'm going to go with the Giants because it's going to take a while for Hasselbeck to remember what it's like throwing to an NFL caliber wide receiver.

WASHINGTON @ PHILADELPHIA
Ok, so I shouldn't have semi-bailed on the Redskins after their pitiful week 1 performance, but my prediction in my preseason column that Jason Campbell would go to the Pro Bowl isn't looking quite as crazy, right? That being said, he's going to get crushed in Philly against the Eagles blitzes (I think Ben Roethlisberger is still icing himself down from being sacked 8 times two weeks ago).

TENNESSEE @ BALTIMORE
The Ravens offense exploded for 20 points last week, so I expect them to come back down to earth against the Titans, who have been quietly kicking everyone's ass.

INDIANAPOLIS @ HOUSTON
Speaking of my preseason predictions, I had both of these teams going to the playoffs. One is 1-2, while the other is 0-3. I think Houston puts some points on the board and wins this one because I still feel like the Colts feel like they can come back from 1-3 to make the playoffs and haven't started looking for the panic button yet.

TAMPA BAY @ DENVER
If the Bucs don't score at least 30 points against Denver, they don't deserve to win this game and Jon Gruden should have his "offensive genius" card revoked.

BUFFALO @ ARIZONA
Arizona gave up 56 points last week and now the host the undefeated Bills. That is all.

NEW ENGLAND @ SAN FRANCISCO
I would pick the suddenly-frisky Niners to take down the Pats, but New England was embarrassed last time out and had two weeks to prepare. I don't think you'd like them when they're angry.

CINCINNATI @ DALLAS
Is there any way we could have the Joker trick T.O. and Chad Ocho Stinko into trying to save ADA Rachel Dawes (pictured, along with T.O. and Stinko), but not quite having enough time to untie her and getting blown up along with the most irritating character in a great movie? Would ANYONE miss those two? (By the way, if you're ticked off about me spoiling a key moment from "The Dark Knight", it's your fault. Don't blame me if you haven't seen a movie everyone else in America has already watched twice.)

PITTSBURGH @ JACKSONVILLE
Up until last week I didn't even know that Mewelde Moore was even in the league. Now he's starting for the Steelers at running back. Not fun times.

MINNESOTA @ NEW ORLEANS
This should be an interesting matchup. The Vikings can run the ball and the Saints can't stop anyone. Meanwhile, the Saints LOVE to throw the ball, while the Vikings can't stop the pass. I can easily see Adrian Peterson rushing for 235 yards and 3 TDs, but that still wouldn't be enough to put the Saints away. On the other hand, if the Saints jump out to a lead of more than 7 points, the Vikes are going to have a hard time catching them. Also, Drew Brees >>>>>>>> Gus Frerotte.