Hell's Kitchen: Closed for Business?

In my three seasons of watching this show, I honestly don’t believe I’ve seen Chef Gordon Ramsay as angry as he was last night.

Of course, he’s had plenty of classic, cruel, volcanic tantrums, but last night (as my ever-astute girlfriend pointed out) he actually looked like he was going to have a heart attack. (Or that his head was going to explode.) The fact that what set him off was someone meekly saying “I’m not a (bleep)face” out of the corner of his mouth.

Before all that, the continuation of “Hell’s Kitchen” found Ben still shocked that Ramsay had spared him instead of Carol. Ben, once again, was inexplicably filled with confidence and reasoned that Ramsay must see something in him. Yeah, what he sees is the opportunity to keep a delusional, pompous jackass to kick around for at least one more week.

Case in point: the faux elimination the next morning (shame on you for thinking this could be real, Danny — you’re smarter than that). Ramsay asked Ben and Andrea to remove their blue and red jackets, respectively. However, before they could leave “Hell’s Kitchen” Ramsay announced everyone would be joining the newly-formed black team.

Before the team got a chance to work together, each chef participated in the season’s first individual challenge. They had to create a dish for Ramsay to taste out of 14 ingredients that included wine, penne pasta, rosemary and chicken.

In the most shocking turn of events (DEFINITELY more “shocking” than the moments the show constantly tries to pump up as “shocking” in its promos) all six finalists created a dish Ramsay liked. Despite slamming Andrea’s presentation again, and advising Robert about the way he cut the chicken breast, Ramsay was generally positive with his critiques. (Sample Fox promo: “NEXT WEEK, on the most SHOCKING “Hell’s Kitchen” EVER. Chef Ramsay gives out CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM!!” Cut to a shot of Andrea hysterically saying “I feel like I’m gonna cry!”)

The final two came down to Danny’s tasty meal and Ben, who was the only person that dared to cook the drumstick. Ben got the nod, couldn’t conceal a “yessss!” and earned a culinary field trip to San Francisco. He got to choose someone to accompany him, and, apparently, most people assumed it would be Danny (since he almost won). Instead, he picked Robert, and that sound you heard was Danny shitting a brick. (Grr! Clink.)

I actually didn’t think that Ben picking Not Bobby was as big a faux-pas as everyone else. Ben and Not Bobby had a lot of tension last week during dinner service, so taking him along on the trip seemed like a show of good faith. The two even got to ride around together on a private trolley. (I couldn’t help but wonder if the producers’ renting out a private trolley was a more subtle dig at Robert’s weight? Like they were saying a trolley filled with other people wouldn’t be able to contain his weight. Probably not, but I wouldn’t put it past them.) Not Bobby was just happy to be there, expressing gratitude to Ben — but not in a “gay way.”

Back in “Hell’s Kitchen” the others had to prep while intermittently picking up food dropped off by a delivery truck. I get that it’s punishment, but why would a chef have to do this personally and so frantically? That’s what Giovanni was asking himself as he struggled. He refused to sprint along with his younger teammates and dropped a box filled with what looked like wine. (To be fair, Paula dropped a box with glass stuff too.) It would prove to be just the start of a rough week for Giovanni. Witness his fed-up order to Paula to “Eat some Cheerios, have a cigarette and f--- off!” (I’m surprised I’ve never heard that one in a Scorcese movie.)

When Ben returned, he was his long-winded, pompous self describing the field trip. The guy is so delusional that I don’t actually believe he realizes no one wants to hear him brag. This week he added some condescension to the mix by stating he chose Not Bobby because of how much he’d evolved in the competition. (Since Ben is such a great evaluator of talent.)

Despite repeated assurances that this was the right final 6 (I believe Ji would’ve easily made it this far had she not gotten hurt) the dinner service was a disaster.

Andrea’s brain did the same thing Lacey’s did when she forgot how to cook meat. In this instance, Andrea lost the ability to comprehend the orders Ramsay was barking out. (I’ll admit that his machine gun delivery is hard to follow for me, but I’m not trying to be a chef.) Unfortunately, no one else seemed to know what the hell was going on. Ramsay still ordered Andrea (pictured, right) out of the kitchen, and I thought she might become the third person to be eliminated mid-dinner service this season. Instead, she got a gentle, encouraging pep talk from Coach Jean-Philippe. How come we haven’t seen more of this good cop, bad chef act before?

Fortunately for her, Giovanni was even worse. He served the chicken from Ben’s recipe bloody (ewww!), burned Not Bobby because he kept a blazing hot pan in a fridge (um, WHY?) and Not Bobby grabbed it (second degree burn, owww!) However, what really pissed Ramsay off was when Giovanni said he wasn’t a f--- face following one of chef’s insults. Chef Ramsay got all in Giovanni’s personal space and came close to head butting him as he jutted his head toward Gio like a (bloody) chicken. The only people who did anything right were Paula (nice job on the dressing) and Danny (not a peep from him during the dinner service, which is actually excellent).

Since Paula was complimented on camera, she got to choose two nominees for elimination and picked Andrea and Giovanni. Despite Andrea’s repeated appearances on the chopping block and the likelihood that Giovanni is a better chef than her but just had a REALLY bad week, Gio was sent home. He didn’t seem too broken up about it, giving a variation of Danny Glover’s shtick from “Lethal Weapon” (“I’m too old for this s---.”)

For some reason, though, the episode wasn’t over. That’s because Ramsay had one more “shocking” twist up his sleeve. He woke the chefs up from their beds at 2 a.m. and announced that he was disappointed with them and that “Hell’s Kitchen” would be closed. (Cue the lights dramatically being turned out.)

Whatever. As a viewer of the show, I was surprised but unaffected since there’s no way this is any sort of long-term development. (By “long-term” I mean “more than two episodes.”) As a consumer, I’d really be devastated by the fact that I won’t be able to go to a restaurant where I could be served bland appetizers and undercooked entrees two hours late.

So what’d you think of this episode? Is there any way this whole “Hell’s Kitchen is closed” nonsense won’t be a colossal waste of time? (There’s no chance it sticks, right?) Finally, can anybody crash the inevitable Danny vs. Paula finale? (Um, no.)