Hell's Kitchen: Everybody's a Critic

For the second week in a row an irritating, delusional chef switch teams and exacted delusional and illogical revenge on their former team.

Jen (pictured, right) and her switch from the red team to the blue squad turned out to be the dominant storyline of the evening despite Fox desperately wanting us to believe that one of the chefs had sliced one of their hands off and that it was about to be served to a food critic. Although it was painfully obvious that Matt's finger tip was never going to be anywhere near the food critic (in fact, they happened about 40 minutes apart in TV time), I still say "Boo!" to the ad department for their pathetically misleading commercial.

Anyway, the show continued where it stopped continuing last week — with Ramsay asking for a volunteer from the women's team (Matt included) to switch over to the perennial hopeless losers (aka the men). Corey, who still thinks she's on Survivor, attempted to manipulate formerly-strong/confidence-shaken/always-annoying Jen into joining the blue team. Jen figured out Corey's plan, but still went over to the other team. Um, wha?! Jen rationalized this by saying "red was safe", but I compared it to those instances where the Coyote would figure out how the Road Runner had outsmarted him, but still ended up being blown up or falling off a cliff.

This week's challenge had each team coming up with four dishes by using the same 20 ingredients. Each team had to use all their ingredients, but were only allowed to do so once.

While the red team was instantly more organized (no fair, they had a pen!), the blue team scrambled for the same materials and ended up not communicating. In the end, General Bobby decided to ditch the veal (I probably would've done the same too), so Jen insisted that Louross incorporate it with his red snapper and make a surf and turf. With the veal cooked, Louross decided to maintain the integrity of his dish and refused to incorporate the veal into his dish. He also refused to lie (at Jen's insistence) and say his dish had been rendered in veal fat. This made for an unprecedented second week in a row where I could use the word "integrity" in a "Hell's Kitchen" recap (after Petrozza's classy move last week.)

I'm not going to lie though — if I were Louross and I realized that I'm competing in somewhat of a sham of a reality show, I would've thrown that veal on there. Still, I (unlike Jen, who would go on to curse him out, make him cry and otherwise intimidate him) respected his stance.

So, of course, it came down to Louross' "Surf and –" vs. Roseann's dish. Ramsay stamped a big ol' F for failure on the blue team and awarded the red team the challenge victory, which was the annual photo shoot. Honestly, do the women ever NOT win this reward? The biggest surprise from this week's challenge was that Ramsay didn't throw up after tasting Matt's dish.

So the women went for their reward, Corey and Roseann cleaned up surprisingly well, and Chef Ramsay took a cheap shot at Matt's weight. Good times, overall.

Meanwhile, the blue team was left behind to wash laundry by hand and be verbally abused by Jen. Say what you will about Sam the Eagle — at least he was happy and optimistic about switching teams. If Jen was going to be such a pain in the ass and have such a shitty attitude, then why did she volunteer? My favorite part, of course, was Jean-Philippe dropping by to inexplicably taunt Jen while holding a crab. (What?!)

Dinner service rolled around and Ramsay announced two important food critics no one knows were going to be in the house and judging their performance.

Both teams aced their appetizers and got off to a fast start, but, suddenly, and without warning, the red team completely forgot how to cook. Matt became unable to slice three pieces of meat that were the same size. I LOVED Matt saying "all right, everyone, let's pick it up", getting stony silence from everyone else, and adding "especially me!" Eventually, Christina took some of the pressure off him by burning the salmon, while reliably-awful Roseann came to both their rescues by running out of carrot puree and gnocchi. After Matt undercooked, then burned a few more steaks, Ramsay booted the red team out of the kitchen (though he refused to "Shut-tit-down!") and have the blue team finish up.

While the blue team completely dominated (Ramsay tried to create drama by jumping on Petrozza for slicing a steak too early), Jen's "ecstatic" reaction to the red team's misfortune was almost as annoying as Matt the Eagle's smug and openly delighted reaction to the men (and Ben) losing without him. While I definitely think the women miss Jen more than the men miss Matt, it's still irritating to watch such mediocre "chefs" celebrate such insignificant "victories" with so much gusto.

I actually feel a little embarrassed that I called Jen a front-runner earlier this season. With sexist Jason long gone, she's been the most annoying person on this show by a solid margin for a good while. If I can be a little racist for a second, I don't see how someone out of the reality show school of overbearing, crass, overly sassy/cocky big black women could EVER run one of Ramsay's restaurants. I'd barely let her run a Wendy's. It's just disappointing to see someone who actually appears to be a talented cook (though, I don't know that her dishes are "always flawless") conduct herself in such a way.

Anyway, Corey was named best of the worst and (finally, correctly) nominated Matt and Roseann for elimination. That didn't stop Ramsay from calling out Christina adding her to the chopping block. After he sent Roseann back to the line, my girl Erica and I looked at each other in disbelief. Of course, it turned out that he wanted to fake us out and (rightly) sent Roseann home to be with her daughter, run out of food and burn everything in sight. I'm not sure why he decided to torture Christina. I didn't think she was THAT bad last night. Maybe Ramsay will make her his new Ben?

So what'd you think of this episode? Do you think the red team really suffered because they lost Jen? Why hasn't Ramsay called anyone a "donkey" in a few weeks? Isn't it annoying how Corey tries to mimic Ramsay by adding "yeah" at the end of a command when she gives an order? Finally, who would you put in your final two right now? (I'd say, I'd probably trust Petrozza and Christina the most to not burn down my kitchen.)

Dancing with the Stars: Quick Thoughts on the Finale

I still can't decide who is worse — Penn Jillette or Monica Seles. (Wait, I just decided — it's Monica Seles.)

Usher's "Yeah" (second dance in that link) remix HAD to be the hot mess of the night. It was sort of terrible, sort of compelling (especially watching him sing live only approximately 35% of the song), and sort of cool that he actually took the time to choreograph something specifically for the finals.

I said it before, and I'll say it again. Mario's mambo (second dance in that link)deserved a 30 the first time around, and it deserved a 30 last night. Also, Mario deserved a spot in the top 3 (sorry, Cristian).

What the hell is up with Shannon Elizabeth?

The "bromance" video package with Jason and Cristian was the funniest thing about last night.

The judges had already decided to give Kristi (and Jason) 30s before they started dancing. How else to completely disregard the fact that Kristi made a mistake Mario's mentor Stevie Wonder could've seen? So if the 30s were pre-planned, what was the point of building up their final dance and having them go again (other than to have Jason say "Kristi, it DOES feel good!"

Finally, I was wrong. Congrats Kristi!

American Idol: A Slight Lack of Imagine-ation

You know how they say that you're either a Beatles guy or an Elvis guy? Well, going into last night's "American Idol" finale, you pretty much knew who you wanted to win — you're either an Archuleta guy (or more, likely, teenage girl) or a David Cook guy.

Airjea[rrrawrearewavm[m!()! Sorry about that. That was me fighting to keep my column after they threatened to take it away for comparing the Beatles and Elvis to Archie and Cookie.

Either way, my point is that, despite the fact that the Season 7 finalists are probably the most evenly matched final two in the show's history (I have them slightly ahead of Ruben/Clay) and that both Davids brought their vocal A game (for mostly unimaginative song choices), there was really nothing either singer could do to persuade fans of the other to change their minds.

Anyway, let's jump right into Tuesday night's show, which opened with Michael "Let's Get Ready to Rumble" Buffer introducing the finalists. As soon as I saw him, I turned to my girl Erica and said "they'd better be wearing boxing robes." And they were! I thought it was a fun little way to relieve the tension the finalists HAD to be feeling as the show shifted to the yooge Nokia Theatre for the finale. After being asked to believe that David A. weighs 100lbs (I say that's generous, j/k), the two touched gloves, and the show went on to beat the boxing metaphor to the ground and making it unfunny. Seriously, I'm convinced that boxing analyst Jim Lampley was actually asked his opinion on an upcoming boxing match and had no idea his (generic) comments would be used on Idol.

Andrew Lloyd Webber (who apparently has a surprising amount of free time on his hands) and Clive Davis mentored the Davids. The first round consisted of songs selected by Davis. He chose "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" for Cook and "Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me" for Archuleta. The choices were ok, if a bit unspectacular and superficial — it's what any person who hasn't been watching the show would pick for "the rocker" and "the balladeer". Mostly though, my girl Erica had brought up the brilliant point that Davis should've switched the songs he gave each finalist thereby making it more interesting (Archie singing U2 and Cookie singing Elton!).

Despite the fact that each of them sang the hell out of their songs, I was a little too obsessed with the idea that they should've been singing each other's songs. While Simon awarded round 1 to Archuleta, I actually thought he sounded a little weird at times and did NOT agree at all with the assessment that it was his best performance this season. I'd say it was his most emotional and genuine (which I'll take over technical perfection), but I'd still give the edge in round 1 to Cook, who didn't feel the need to reinvent the wheel with the U2 song, but still sang it extremely well while still feeling every word.

I hope you don't mind if I sort of skip over Round 2 quickly, since it featured the truly awful selections from the songwriting competition.

Cook sang "Dream Big", a forgettable mid-tempo rock number that sounds like it belongs on the soundtrack to a romantic comedy starring Hilary Duff (I'm thinking "The Perfect Man"), while Archuleta sang "In This Moment", a cheesy ballad with laughably terrible lyrics. Both satisfied the requirement that a song in the American Idol finale have the words "dream", "moment" or "journey", and both Idols sang their songs reasonably well (though I'd give Archie a definite edge). Even Randy was at a loss for words, muttering "phonebook" and "comfort zone" as his "critique." Simon awarded the round to Archuleta because he felt that Archie's cheese-tastic was a better fit for what the show is about. (Simon didn't appear to realize that by saying this, he was insulting the show.)

The show wrapped up with a contestants choice song, and the Davids did a LOT better with their picks than last week. Well, David Cook did anyway.

I LOVED the fact that, not only did Cookie refuse to go greatest hits on us and sing something he'd performed before, but he chose a relatively low-key Collective Soul song ("The World I Know") and sang it absolutely beautifully. I respect that he chose to forgo the predictably bombastic song that you'd expect an Idol to sing for his last competitive performance on stage. I also completely disagree with Simon's suggestion that Cook should've revisited "Hello" or "Billie Jean" and I dug David Cook's explanation about how the show is a progression from him. I liked that Simon threw him a little wink as a way of sort of saying, "Thank you for standing up for me in a respectful way and not coming up as a whiny brat. I respect your stance."

Archie, as you may have heard, decided to revisit "Imagine", his defining moment this season. I thought this was a terrible idea before he even opened his mouth to sing. Nevermind the fact that he flat-out didn't sing the song as well as he did during the semifinal round — by repeating the same song again, the performance was, by definition, predictable, and it didn't have the same "wow" impact it had the first time he sang it. That didn't stop Simon from declaring the evening a "knockout" for David Archuleta. It also didn't stop me from groaning at another forced boxing analogy.

I really wished Archie had stepped out of his ballad comfort zone at least once during last night's final (and succeeded). In my opinion, David Cook displayed a greater combination of talent and artistry over the course of the season — which is why I (and my girl Erica) cast one vote each for him at 12:36 a.m. before we went to bed. (It was the second time I'd voted and the first since I helped Elliot Yamin outlast Chris Daughtry in Season 5.)

Then again, if Cook doesn't win, I'm not going to be crushed and I'm not going to complain. I think he'll probably be successful no matter what happens. In fact, if Simon's comments after the songwriting competition around are to be believed, Archie's probably a better fit for this show's crown anyway.

So what'd you think of the final episode? Does Michael Buffer have a 9-5 job in between random engagements when he's asked to say his catchphrase? Who do you think sang better last night? Most importantly, who do you think is going to win?

Finally, I'd like to take this moment to thank all my readers for joining me throughout this journey of mine. It's been like a dream! (Seriously though, thanks for reading!)

Dancing with the Stars: Perfect Timing

The "what the hell can we do" expressions on Jason Taylor and Cristian de la Fuente's faces as the show went to commercial following Kristi's freestyle said it all last night.

In what basically amounted to a coronation, Kristi Yamaguchi dominated when she had to (when viewers were voting for the last time) and seems poised to become the first woman since "Dancing with the Stars" first season.

To be honest, it really couldn't go to a more deserving dancer. Stacy Keibler, Mario Lopez, and Kristi Yamaguchi. That's my list of celebs on the show who could easily be mistaken for pros (though it's a bit alarming to note that neither Stacy nor Mario won the whole thing). To try and combat that, we had Kristi and her partner Mark Ballas mention the fact that a woman hasn't won in a long while about 17 times during their rehearsal package. We also had the judges (well, at least Carrie Ann and her "girl power) bring it up.

A little further down, I'm going to show you why it's not necessarily in the bag. (And, no — it's not simply because it would make my ridiculously early pick of Jason incorrect. Although I DO hate being wrong.) But first, let's talk about the, you know, dancing last night!

I loved the idea of having all three finalists dance the same style of dance (the cha cha cha) to the same song at the same time. Although, since this is allegedly a "ballroom dancing competition", I probably would've chosen a ballroom dance, I thought it was a brilliant idea that highlighted each of the finalists' differences. And by "highlighted each of the finalists' differences", I mean, "clearly showed us how much better Kristi is."

When the dancers determined the order they'd be cha cha cha'ing, I chuckled when Jason said he was glad he had to go second because "he could see where the bar was set — and he didn't have to follow Kristi."

Cristian started off the dance (set to a slightly creepy version of "Dancing on the Ceiling") strongly, showing great hip action and we saw how again how much his technique had improved since his injury. Jason followed and was, honestly, kind of a disaster. His arm just hung there, his hips weren't moving and it just wasn't good enough. If the show were still giving out anything lower than an 8, I would've given that dance a 7 (or a 6). Still, in an effort to at least give him a fighting chance of winning, the judges said they felt for Jason because the cha cha cha was clearly not his thing.

Too bad Jason's strategy backfired as Kristi came out like a house of fire and completely obliterated everything that came before her. It was brilliant, and that one minute of cha cha cha was probably my favorite performance from her this season. I also liked the bit at the end where they all came together (and Jason visible messed up), ending in that glorious lift with Jason and Cristian (and his one good arm) supporting Kristi (pictured, left). I love that these three really seem to get along.

Unfortunately, her freestyle was definitely NOT my favorite performance of hers from the season. Yes, it was INSANELY challenging, and mostly well executed, but I saw more than a few missed spots and instances when she was behind the rhythm. Also, as much as I love it when the show brings the crazy, this dance didn't make any sense to me (Mark's fake torso at the beginning really creeped me out). I also didn't get Mark's insistence on doing the backflip (with a little help from Julianne Hough in rehearsals). I mean, how exactly does that showcase Kristi? All that being said, compared to her competitors, I guess Kristi scored a 30 on her freestyle.

I actually enjoyed Jason and Edyta's freestyle just as much, if not more than Kristi's. Sure, it wasn't as technically impressive, but they had a solid (if predictable - hello, "Miami") theme that made sense, and Jason pulled it off quite nicely, even if his routine turned into "look how many lifts we can do." At least, they did them very well (better than Kristi and Mark). I also think Edyta ripping off Jason's shirt at the end was good for another 500,000 votes or so. It would've been nice if Samantha hadn't cut Jason off right as he started to respond to a question of hers backstage. It would've been even nicer if Len hadn't planted the image of him in a thong in our brains.

Cristian, on the other hand, virtually had no hope of keeping up with his competitors lift-wise. Still, his freestyle was solid (if a bit inevitably unspectacular), and I was mostly glad that his left arm didn't fall right off after he dramatically re-injured it in rehearsal. In the end, I was a bit disappointed in his dance — though Cristian is obviously limited, I expected Cheryl (who can definitely choreograph a freestyle) to come up with something better than recycled moves he's already done before.

My only complaint with last night's episode was that it was too short. Couldn't "The Bacherlorette" have waited another half an hour? Like I said earlier, I LOVED the idea of having the three couples dance to the same songs at the same time. However (although, I know they'll be dancing on Tuesday again), why build the final viewer-voted show in a "ballroom competition" around a Latin dance and a freestyle? It would've been perfect if the episode had been was comprised of a freestyle round and a group ballroom dance, in addition to the group cha cha cha.

As it stands now, Kristi appears like a virtual lock to take the trophy home. In fact, I was so curious about how much of a lock she was that I actually followed one of the show's prompts and visited ABC's Web site for an explanation of the voting procedure (scroll down to "The Procedure for Eliminating Couples"). To be honest, I've been watching this show for six seasons and I didn't really exactly how it works.

Here's a quick breakdown: for every couple they take the share they got out of the total points given by the judges on the night, and the share they got of the public's votes on the night and they add these two shares together. The couple with the lowest combined total is eliminated from the show.

So, the judges gave out a total of 163 points last night (Kristi's 60 + Cristian's 52 + Jason's 51). By using the skills I picked up in the one math class I took in college (the bare minimum for my major), Kristi got 37% of the vote (60/163), Crisian 32% and Jason 31%. The share of the public's vote will be added and suddenly Kristi's lead doesn't look so impressive. In fact, if, for example Jason got 40% of the public's vote, and Cristian and Kristi each got 30%, that would leave Kristi with 67% (30% public + 37% judges), Cristian with 62% (30% public + 32% from judges) and Jason as the winner with 71% (40% public + 31% judges).

A difference of only 10% in Jason's (or even Cristian's) favor in the viewer votes might give either of them the title! I felt a LOT better about Kristi's chances before I read the voting procedure.

In fact, because of this, I'm actually going to stick with my prediction of shirtless Jason Taylor taking the title home. What can I say? I'm incredibly stubborn (just ask my girl Erica). Also, until the most talented competitor on the show (or a woman) actually goes ahead and wins this thing, I can't feel good about saying it will happen (despite the fact that the show is kinda fixed, and they appear to want a woman to win). It'll be a damn shame if she loses, because Kristi really did make an effort to bring more personality to her dances toward the end of the season and she succeeded. Then again, if Kristi loses, then I'll be right, so things won't be all bad.

So what'd you think of this episode? What dances DO mix with six-foot, six-inch tall people? How did this year's freestyles compare to year's past? (At least no doll-like movements were simulated.) Where was the "girl power" last year, when Mel B. should've won? Do you think Cristian has a chance to win? Finally, who do you have winning the whole thing?

Also, thank you for reading my ridiculous thoughts on this ridiculous show, including this ridiculously long final column. See you again in the fall!

Desperate Housewives: Future Imperfect

See now THAT was a season finale!

Storylines were wrapped up and resolved, people were shot, babies were (dubiously) named, and cliffs were hung in a way that should make fans of the show more excited for its return in the fall than they have been the last couple of years. Most notably, flashes were forwarded as the show jumped five years into the future giving us a look at what's in store for the ladies (more on that later).

Let's jump right into the two-night extravaganza that was the "Desperate Housewives" season finale.

Things picked up right where they had been the last couple of weeks — with an alarming number of characters behaving very stupidly.

The most alarming of these nitwits has been Tom, who didn't come around on the whole "Kayla-is-evil" thing until his wife was thrown in jail. Sure, Lynette hasn't exactly earned that "World's Greatest Mom" mug (though I DID like the "buried treasure under the weeds trick — that's just smart parenting), but it should've taken Tom a lot sooner to come down on his wife's side. You know? The woman he's been with for more than a decade through (mostly) thick and thin? Especially when the choice is between your wife and a sadistic little girl he's known for about 20-something episodes.

Anyway, Tom finally stepped up, tricked Kayla into confessing and sent her away to live with her grandparents, who will probably be found dead in a few weeks. Seriously, that little girl needs to be taken out. Fortunately, that wasn't the only time Tom stepped up last night. His obvious other highlight came in the little speech he gave during Bob and Lee's commitment ceremony ice sculpture fight about how marriage is about making sure the person next to you in bed is worth all the crap that comes along with being married with kids. It was a good speech, but we've heard Tom (and Lynette) say similar stuff in the past, so this felt more like it was put in there so that we (and Lynette) liked Tom again for sure. Most importantly, we definitely found out that Lee is the girl in the couple.

Unfortunately, Bree had no change of heart regarding her feelings toward husband/stalker Orson during the finale. Honestly, the guy was even running into Bree at the nail salon, where he claimed he was getting a pedicure (where was THAT scene). To keep Orson away, Bree sought help from her (hilarious) reverend, who'd just return from North Korea, and, apparently, was hungry for a little Bree.

Loved the wonderfully uncomfortable scene where he tried to kiss her repeatedly in the car, though, now that I think of it, it was sort of rape-y (maybe she should've employed some of her shooting-range skills). I loved that the reverend and Orson got into a fight, with the older man laying Orson on his back trying to protect Bree's rep. One of my favorite lines of the night came after Orson offered to help with the commitment ceremony Bree now had to cater herself by saying (and I paraphrase) "how dare you use calligraphy to try to get back in my good graces when I'm at my lowest point?" (great delivery by Marcia Cross here). Still, no matter what Orson did (not even saving her wingless cherub sculpture), Bree couldn't forgive him for running over Mike. Nevermind the fact that Mike (the person who was run over!) already forgave Orson. So that made it all the more intriguing to see the two back together in five years (though the writers should realize that putting Andrew in a suit doesn't automatically make him look five years older).

Gabby, meanwhile, was still feeling a bit conflicted about turning in her friend/drug dealer Ellie. The pig of a cop/handyman didn't make Gabby feel any better about the decision as he planted a bug in Ellie's room. Unfortunately, Ellie came back in forcing Gabby to pretend she was having an affair with her handyman, making her the second housewife forced to lock lips with someone gross this week (see Bree and the reverend).

The scene were Carlos confronted her about the (non)affair was humorous in how non-chalantly Gabby was playing it. It also weirdly makes sense that the thing to convince Gabby to turn in her "friend" wasn't the fact that she's a drug dealer — it was the fact that she ratted her out about her (non)affair. Eventually, she helped her escape anyway (after Ellie talked about infidelity broke up her family) before tussling with her over a teddy bear full of money. Watching the two stuntwomen, I mean actresses, tumble into blind Carlos on the stairway was the physical comedy highlight of the night (watching Gabby try to hide the satchel full of money behind her back as the cops rushed in was second).

Unfortunately, Ellie has the misfortune of running right into the Mayfair/Davis/Romanian last name family drama and getting shot by Wayne as he held Katherine hostage. It was a busy episode for Wayne as he'd taken Katherine's not-quite-ex Adam hostage and nearly beaten him to death. Wayne wanted to know the truth about Dylan and, for the most part, the explanation (featuring Mary Alice in her yearly appearance) delivered. After Katherine (and her shorter hair) escaped Wayne's abusive grasp, Dylan accidentally killed herself trying to reach a doll her dad had brought her. Thinking the cops and Wayne wouldn't believe her, Katherine adopted a Romanian girl that looked just like Dylan and kept running away.

The only problem I have with this story is that it would've been a lot easier to just bury the kid and, if Wayne ever tracked them down, say that she gave her up for adoption or is out of the country or whatever. Then again, that doesn't make for good soapy drama, so I understand. Kudos also to Gary Cole for playing a truly scary, unlikable Dylan who just HAD to be killed (in fact, he was begging for it). It was also cool seeing the housewives rally around Katherine and accept her into their group after criticizing her for being aloof earlier in the hour. It also greatly enhanced last week's (silly) scene of the housewives uniting to banish Edie.

Finally, in the finale's more lighthearted subplot, Susan and Mike tried to settle on a name for their baby. Fortunately, the couple had the good sense to veto most of Mike's choices (Unitas, Mike? Really?!) before settling on Conner. That is before Mike (pictured, right) found out his grandfather died and this was the perfect opportunity to honor him by naming the kid Maynard.

Great job by the "Housewives" writers in coming up with a truly atrocious, irredeemable name. I mean, seriously, there's nothing you can do with that name. I also loved Lynette's line when she found out the baby was being named after Mike's deceased grandfather — "Was he beaten to death because his name was Maynard?" After some more shenanigans typical of Susan (secretly changing the baby's name? how could that NOT work?), she was (sort of) sold on Maynard after Mike's heartwarming story about what a great man his grandfather was. Well, that's all well and good, but the name still sucks! I'm sure it was fine in the 1920's, but it's not going to fly now. If Mike is desperate to honor his grandfather, then that can be the kid's middle name, right?

Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like we'll know exactly how many times Maynard has been beaten in the playground, as there was no sign of Mike or Maynard in Susan's future. In the episode's biggest twist (yes, even bigger than Gabby becoming a non-makeup-wearing mom), Susan came home into the loving arms of a new man.

So what'd you think of the episode? Is the show back in top form? (I say "yes", and I say thank you to Dana Delaney, who should be edited into the show's stupid opening-credits graphic that currently has the four women holding apples.) Did Orson serve time in prison to get back into Bree's good graces (I say "yes" too.) How is Edie going to figure into the future? (Nicolette Sheridan WILL be back next year). What happened to Mike? Finally, what did you think of the flash forward twist?

Lost: Getting Their (Cover) Story Straight

Last night, "Lost" kicked off its two-part, three-hour season finale with a thoroughly entertaining hour that made me mostly forget that what I was really watching was a set-up for the final two hours on May 29.

This episode worked for me because it gave all the characters something to do. I know that's not always possible on this show (or even a good idea), but I like it when each of these interesting and complex characters get as much attention as the kooky Island dynamics.

The episode, part one of "There's No Place Like Home" (one of several references the show has made to "The Wizard of Oz") opened with the soon-to-be-famed Oceanic 6 being flown to safety by at least one jittery co-pilot. This was a nice little tense scene with Jack still in leader mode and making sure everyone had their story straight. Watching them somberly get their story straight made me even more excited for the finale in two weeks where we find out what happened on the Island that led to this specific group of people getting off. I was a little surprised to find that it's the most compelling question/mystery I've ever had about this show — I've wracked my brain and I just cannot envision a scenario in which not only everyone (especially Jack) is ok with leaving a significant number of people behind, but the Oceanic 6 seem determined to keep their insane-sounding Island survival experiences under wrap (and it can't be as simple as "they wouldn't believe us if we told them about the polar bear and Smoke Monster).

Anyway, the scene where each of the Oceanic 6 (except for sad, lonely Kate, Aaron and Sayid) reunited with their families was touching. I loved watching Hurley welcome Sayid into his group hug. I liked watching Sun dis her domineering dad. It was also good to see Jack's MILF, I mean mom again. Seriously, I just looked up the actress who played her, saw that it was 64-year-old Veronica Hamel of "Hill Street Blues", felt a little creeped out that I was checking out a 64 year old, but now I'm moving on, because I still think she was pretty hot.

During a press conference, we finally got a more detailed look at the Oceanic 6's cover story, which involved landing in the ocean, spending 108 (as you know, the sum of Hurley's numbers) days in the island of Membata, before taking a raft to the island of Sunda and being discovered by fishermen (Was it the same raft Faraday was using to take people from the Island to the freighter? I guess they'd have to explain where they got a motorized raft.) The closest thing to a problem came when a reporter noted Kate would have to have been about six months pregnant when she got on the plane. It's interesting to note that this could easily be refuted, but it appears that this never becomes an issue since we've seen Kate is still free and living with Aaron.

In keeping with the "let's give everyone something to do" theme, the off-Island flashforwards gave us a peek into everyone's lives. Sayid was reunited (temporarily as we now know) with his love Nadia, while Sun channeled her inner badass by acquiring a controlling share of her father's company. He's one of the two people she blames for Jin's "death" (is she the other?)

Meanwhile, since he was already lying about everything else, Jack gave his father a generous eulogy during Christian's wake. Afterward, he learned from Claire's mom that Claire was his half-sister (and Aaron's his half-nephew?) I have to say, as much fun as some people (myself included) make fun of Matthew Fox's acting sometime, he really brought it last night during this scene. Watching the guilt over abandoning a heretofore unknown relative wash over his face was terrific.

Probably the most loaded segment featuring a member of the Oceanic 6 was Hurley's surprise birthday party. Not only did the Numbers re-enter his life via the odometer in the car he'll soon lead the police on during a high speed chase, but he also started hearing the mysterious Island whispers (I'm not buying that it was just the surprise party people in the next room). This segment served as effective foreshadowing that Hurley is going to be the first Oceanic 6 member to lose his marbles. Mostly though, I got a kick out of seeing Sayid at a party and him remarking, "Interesting choice of theme" for the island-themed party.

There was plenty happening on the Island in this episode too, but I'm not going to spend as much time talking about that, since I'm pretty sure the real fireworks on the Island will come in the season's final two hours.

Jack picked up the phone Lapidus had thrown to him from the helicopter and, thinking Sayid or Desmond had tossed it to him, listened in on a transmission which included mention of the Orchid station. That mention visibly made Faraday freak out, but no one noticed as Jack and Kate set off after the chopper.

A little while later, Jack and Kate ran into Miles (who I'd forgotten about) and Sawyer, leading to a nice little mini-reunion between the two rivals. I hadn't realized that Jack and Sawyer hadn't seen each other since the castaways split up into two camps in the season premiere, so watching Sawyer run into the jungle after Jack to look for the chopper and saying "You don't get to die alone" was pretty cool. I also liked seeing Sawyer's heart again, when he showed concern for Hurley's safety after Lapidus told them he had to fly them to safety before Keamy torched the Island.

Faraday found a way off the Island when Sayid arrived from the freighter on the motorized raft and warned everyone about Keamy's plan. While Sayid set off into the jungle with Kate, Faraday drove a group of people onto the freighter, including Jin and Sun (taking care of Aaron) who had an unexpected reunion with Michael (another guy I'd forgotten about). There was no time for a teary reunion or explanations as the people on the freighter found the C4 explosives, presumably the batch Michael thought he'd have to ignite and now probably connected to Keamy's weird arm device. To be honest, I'd kinda forgotten about those explosives. Apparently I have a crappy memory.

While all this was happening, Ben, Locke and Hurley were making their way to the Orchid station (apparently a greenhouse) where they could move the Island. It was during these scenes that the invaluable Michael Emerson fired off two of my favorite lines (and winked at the audience) by telling Locke "How many times do I have to tell you, John. I always have a plan" and "I wasn't being entirely truthful before." Are there two quotes that better summarize this character?

In the end, Ben presumably told Locke how get in the Orchid and move the Island while he created a distraction by letting Keamy capture him and getting knocked out. Kate and Sayid were captured in the jungle by Alpert (who I DID actually remember because, um, he was on the show just last week) and the rest of the Others, who, we're assuming Ben had contacted with his mirror.

So heading into the season finale, we have the Oceanic 6 in four different locations: Sun and Aaron are in one place, Hurley's with Locke, Jack's with Sawyer, and Kate and Sayid are together. That's an excellent job of keeping us guessing as to how those six get together and come to be the group of people who leave the Island. Like I said, at the top, this was totally a set-up episode, and it certainly set up the season finale beautifully.

So what'd you think of this episode? Is "half-nephew" even a real term? What do you think is going to happen to the group of people on the freighter with the explosives? Why doesn't Faraday ever take off his tie? Why do you think that pilot was so nervous at the beginning? How old is the oldest person you ever checked out? Finally, what do you think is going to happen next week, assuming Locke successfully moves the Island?

America's Next Top Recap: The Winner Is...

Last night's "Top Model" finale pretty much redeemed what had mostly been a lackluster cycle with a thrilling, too-close-to-call finish.

Just think how much more exciting it would've been for me and my girl Erica watching at home if my local CW affiliate hadn't run an ad during the first break saying, "Congratulations to Clearwater's Whitney Thompson, you're America's Next Top Model!"

Arrrrrrgggghhhhh!!!

To my surprise, the fact that my TV told me who was going to win about 45 minutes before it actually happened didn't reduce my enjoyment of this final episode, which probably had the strongest final two pairing since Danielle and Joanie of Cycle 6.

The only real negative I could find was that, as with last week's episode, the producers appeared content to run a continuous loop of the girl spouting the same clichés about how much being America's Next Top Model" means for them and how bad they want it. Then again, listening to Anya talk in that accented, eternally-airy way of hers IS pretty hilarious (even if she doesn't realize it). She also had a sort of out-of-leftfield breakdown during her makeup session for the commercial.

The final three — Anya, Fatima and Whitney — received the script for their (thankfully in English) Cover Girl commercial script and headed for the shoot the next day. They were greeted by Mr. Jay who I thought was finally wearing a normal outfit at a photo shoot before it was revealed that his otherwise stylish and normal coat had a skull on the back of it. Oh well.

Fatima went first, looked terrific and showed that she memorized her lines. Unfortunately, that appears to be all she did as she rapidly and robotically said her words without any thought about what she was saying, resulting in a commercial Ms. J rightly called out as "not human." Whitney sort of reverted back to her Miss America tendencies from a few weeks back, but definitely delivered the most competent commercial.

Then there was Anya, whose commercial was sort of a train wreck, but (as she did in the paparazzi photo challenge) lucked out when the wind caught her hair just right. Additionally, Anya's carefree, appealing personality made her blunders all the more palatable, although I don't agree in any way with Tyra or Paulina who said (in certain portions of her commercial) that Anya's spot was the best. Then again, I didn't have the benefit of watching and re-watching the commercial in portions as they did, so the one I saw was pretty terrible.

The girls also took photos for the accompanying Cover Girl print ad and Whitney found the right time to deliver her best photo to date.

Fatima and Anya didn't fare quite as well. Paulina busted Fatima for looking straight into the light (It's like "I've sighted God"), while her critique of Anya ("You look stupid") was a little more direct. I disagreed with her about Anya's photo and I wondered why it is I can still enjoy Paulina even when she says incredibly mean things. (Oh yeah, it's because she's 2 billion times more interesting than her predecessor, Twiggy.) Mostly though, I was glad Anya and Fatima's pictures, led Tyra to bring back and demonstrate her "open squint" technique (I was afraid we'd go a whole cycle before she busted that out.)

Anyway, (somewhat surprisingly for me) made it through to the finals, leaving Whitney and Fatima to sweat it out. Tyra chided Fatima for her apparent overconfidence and inability to follow instructions, while she criticized Whitney for not opening up and being afraid to show her real personality (hence the "fake" accusations).

When Tyra revealed Whitney would be going to the finals, Whitney broke down and cried, and I think I saw slight delight in Tyra's eyes. Let's be honest here: there's nothing Tyra loves more than setting a girl on a journey. And by "setting a girl on a journey", I mean "making them cry."

After an incredibly brief pit stop for a Seventeen magazine cover shoot (maybe we could've seen more of this shoot, if they'd spent less time on the "I want this so bad"s) the girls got ready to join cycle 9 winner Saleisha for a Versace runway show.

Anya and Whitney (pictured, right) each modeled two looks down the runway, with Whitney's fierce (maybe overly so) CLEARLY outperforming Anya (who had to walk in a ridiculously restraining dress her second time down the aisle). Whitney, who faced an obstacle of her own with her second garment, was a bit over the top, but not as much as Tyra in that footage they showed from '92 (nor as Tyra when she walked down the Versace runway when the judges were introduced).

During the final panel, the judges compared Whitney and Anya's past photos, dissected their personalities and seemed equally divided. I agreed with my girl Erica's assessment that Nigel and Paulina seemed to favor Anya, while Tyra and Ms. J probably voted for Whitney. Since I like to think that Tyra's vote counts for two, that's how Whitney got the win.

Here's my take: I agree that the two competitors were VERY close, and each embodied the characteristics needed to win the competition. Anya is more high fashion (which is what the judges always claim they want in a "Top Model"), while Whitney is probably more commercial (which is important since Cover Girl AND Seventeen magazine are two of the show's major sponsors).

In my opinion, Whitney outperformed Anya in the final runway show, but Anya had the strongest overall body of work and deserved to win. Then again, if you think the show would miss out on crowning its first plus-size, excuse me, FULL-FIGURED winner to commemorate its 10th cycle and grab some headlines, then you don't know Tyra and Co. (or any self-respecting TV producer). Still, I like Whitney and I have no problem with her winning.

Also, I was thoroughly delighted to see two likable, deserving and evenly matched finalists (a rare breed in the reality show genre) battling it out for the crown.

So what'd you think of this episode? Since he was there for all their photo shoots, should Mr. Jay have gotten a voice in the final panel? Finally, do you think Whitney deserved to win?

Hell's Kitchen: Where's the Beef?

On Hell's Kitchen last night, we found out that revenge is a dish best served cold. And while you're blindfolded and/or wearing a chocolate mask.

That being said, my feelings towards this season of "Hell's Kitchen" have been decidedly lukewarm over the past couple of weeks. Is it possible I miss People Magazine's Sexist-iest Man Alive Jason or mini-chef/big hat Craig?

I mean, this episode featured plenty of what I asked for which was more "Ramsay screaming at the chefs" action. He even threw in a "shu-tit-down!" for good measure. (Although it's been too long since I heard a "donkey!")

The bottom line is that this group of people is just not very interesting to watch. The women, especially, are particularly ho-hum. Other than Corey and her nearly-weekly and mumbled "f---" during elimination, the women are incredibly boring — and that's even with Shayna gone!

So I can understand now more than last week why the show went to such ridiculous lengths to keep Matt and his crazy eyebrows around. The producers also decided to build the Matt vs. Ben rivalry and place it in the annals with Yankees vs. Red Sox (and Tom vs. Jerry, I suppose). Maybe it was just me, but I didn't really think Ben (pictured, left) was the only guy who'd singled out Matt and wanted him off the blue team, but Matt was just full of irrational behavior last night and his desire to kick Ben's ass (as misguided as it was) actually appeared to help.

The next morning, Chef Ramsay prepared three meals for the chefs and asked them what was missing in each. Despite Louross' insistence that it was always salt and pepper, the answer was that none of the meals had any real meat in them. None of the chefs got it. Petrozza came the closest, while Matt, um, did not, by saying one meal tasted like cat (which I'm sure he'll incorporate into his next puke-tastic recipe).

The episode also featured the annual blind taste test that I'm completely sure I would overthink and bomb if I ever had to do it. Fortunately, that task as left to the blue team after Louross and executive chef/general Bobby failed to identify one of their six combined foods.

This set the stage for an epic confrontation between Matt and Ben which was unbelievably anti-climactic. The red team (no longer the women) had built up a huge lead and all Matt had to do was not screw up. In the end, both men identified the same number of ingredients in one dish and the women earned a spa reward in Hell's Kitchen's patio (that just sounds funny). I actually liked this reward a LOT better than the lame stuff they've given the chefs the past couple of weeks.

During their reward, the women didn't exactly warm up to Matt, all but telling him that, if they lost, he was going home and that they really didn't want him on their team. Matt didn't help matters by saying he didn't mind being called a woman, as if that was something to be ashamed of. The good news is that I can continue to refer to the red team as the women now.

After sarcastically being served tea by Ben (who almost broke the sarcastic-o-meter) the dinner service was under way.

Roseann, as usual, was a disaster in the beginning and made me wonder why she wasn't fired last week. On the men's side, Louross struggled with the eggs that were to go on the appetizers slowing the men down.

Fortunately, he was overshadowed in the sheer incompetence department by Matt who couldn't cook any of the meat to save his life and had a mini-mental collapse when Ramsay started yelling at him (while Matt laughed in the background and made snarky remarks). Neither Ramsay (nor I) were buying Ben's comment that he wasn't used to the "brigade system," since that's what they've been doing for almost two months now on this show.

Since the men were bombing so badly, Ramsay appeared to struggle for reasons to yell at the women to make things seem a lot closer than they were. To that end, he threw one of Roseann's undercooked pieces of meat at Matt and said "sue me". He also yelled at Jen and shattered her confidence for reasons I honestly don't understand. I would've much preferred if Ramsay had caught Matt making one of his snide comments about Ben and the men and ripped him a new one.

Mostly though, he had great things to say about Christina's cooking of a steak and Matt making the best risotto ever (?!) at "Hell's Kitchen".

Needless to say, the women won the service and Matt could barely contain his glee during elimination. Personally, I find it hilarious (and a little sad) that Matt actually appears to believe the men are suffering because he left their team when the reason they're struggling is because they're a horrible team.

Ben made a "Survivor"-style effort to save himself by suggesting everyone nominate Louross because — well, I'm not really sure why. Fortunately, it appears that Petrozza has a soul and he refused. It also turned out that Petrozza has a heart because, instead of going along with the plan to vote once for each member of the team and arrange for a tie, he voted for himself and put himself on the chopping block.

Fortunately, Ramsay saw through this, complimented Petrozza on his class and fired Ben anyway, rather quickly. To me this was a shame, because I thought Ben was actually one of the more talented cooks this season (which is SO not saying much). Also, I liked seeing his description of "Electrician/Former chef" — that cracked me up for some reason. In the end, it's probably better that he's gone before Ramsay's constant tormenting drives him to the loony bin.

So what'd you think of this episode? Are you surprised none of these people have ever sued Ramsay? (Then again, maybe they have, though I'm pretty sure they have to sign releases) Did you enjoy watching Matt get his "revenge" (I have to say, I like watching him better when he's struggling — that's why he's on this show, right?) Finally, is that really someone's finger getting severed in the previews for next week? (Ewwww.)

American Idol: Byesha

So a high school student, an actress and a bartender walk into, um, a bar, and the bartender says to the, um, bartender, "Where have you been? We've been swamped all night!" He also tells the high school student to come back in eight years when he's 21.

Ok, that's not working. Let me try again.

So a high school student, an actress and a bartender walk into American Idol final 3 performance show, and the producers say, "We HAVE to make sure we get an all-David final, so let's saddle Syesha with the worst song ever performed on the 'Idol' stage."

Ok, that's not really funny either. Especially, if (like me) you're a Syesha fan and were rooting for her to bust up the unbiblical David vs. David matchup.

Not that I'm placing all the blame on the producers. Syesha (pictured, right) HAD to know she was a clear 3 going into last night's performance show. (And if she didn't know, Randy Jackson helpfully reminded her by saying "that's why you're 3" at one point.) As a result, Syesha needed to be unbelievable and significantly better than one or both of the Davids. Although I can (and will) make a case she CLEARLY won one of the three rounds last night, she didn't get the job done.

Each of the contestants sang three songs — one chosen by the judges, the producers and the contestants themselves.

The three opened with the judges' round in what turned out to be the highlight of the night.

Paula chose Billy Joel's "And So It Goes" for David A., who sang it beautifully with a spare arrangement that made it seem like he was singing acapella. Still, I agreed with Simon in that the choice was a bit predictable (not David's fault) and, as well as he sang it, I'm just completely tired of watching the same performance from him — sitting in the middle of the "Idol" stage, the camera coming in for a tight closeup as David lovingly closes his eyes and I start to think about what exercise I want to do the next day for my workout routine.

Randy chose Alicia Keys' "If I Ain't Got You" for Syesha, who mostly nailed it (though my girl Erica astutely pointed out at least one botched note), but I agreed with Simon again in that the song is too closely associated with its original artist. I can see Randy's side in that this is probably the sort of thing she'd sing if she were a recording artist. Unfortunately, Syesha wasn't able to do much in the way of reinventing the tune so, instead, settled for more "at least you didn't embarrass yourself trying to sing this REALLY difficult song" praise.

David Cook ended the round with Simon's choice of Roberta Flack's "The First Time I Ever Saw Your Face." Though I can't say Cook outsang Archie (though Cook's strong vocals certainly weren't chopped liver), I liked his performance better because he achieved what the first two didn't — take a song and creatively rearrange it to their talents and make it sound fresh. I agreed that round 1 went to "Cook and Cowell" (this fall on Fox!)

Unfortunately, everything sort of went to hell in round 2 when the contestants were left to their own devices.

I'll get Cook out of the way first. I liked his choice of "Dare You to Move" when he announced it, but I really didn't like it when he was done singing. The opening verse (pushing his lower register) was kind of brutal, and, as a surprisingly sane Paula pointed out, the song ended right when it was getting strongest.

Syesha and David A's performances were more interesting to me. Archuleta took on Chris Brown's "With You", while Syesha went with "Fever".

You know the saying "it's better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than open it and remove all doubt"? Well in this case, it's better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you can sing contemporary songs than open your mouth and remove all doubt. Syesha's vocals during "Fever" were very strong, and her performance was sexy, strong and the highlight of the contestants round. Unfortunately, it was also hopelessly contrived and cheesy (she should've lost the chair and just flirted with the standing bass player). David A, on the other hand, looked almost as uncomfortable "dancing" as Brooke White did about a month ago. Still, I LOVE that he tried to do something different, so I'm not going to kill him for what was otherwise a decent performance. I didn't even mind him saying "my boo" (like Randy did). It didn't sound dorky because he's white — it sounded dorky because David A. is a huge dork!

I thought the producers' round was pretty telling. By giving David Cook far and away the best song of the round, "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" (and a classy string section) it appeared as if their focus was shifting away from shamelessly pimping Archie to shamelessly pimping Cook. And for the most part, Cook delivered. Still, I don't really feel like he (or either of the other finalists, except maybe for Archie in "And So It Goes") delivered that unbelievable vocal you'd expect at such an important stage.

It wasn't just that Cook got the best song, but that David A. and Syesha got absolutely brutal songs. At least Archie's brutal song ("Longer" by Dan Fogelberg) was suited to his talents. And by talents, I mean sitting in the middle of the stage with in a chair with his eyes half-closed. I'd love to tell you more about his vocals, but I mentally checked out.

As for Syesha, the producers stuck her with "Hit Me Up" from the "Happy Feet" soundtrack. The "Happy Feet" soundtrack?! Really?! Was there nothing available from the "Shark Tale" soundtrack?! I mean, I liked that it was up-tempo. That's pretty much it. I mean, this is like a song Rihanna threw in the garbage. It was like the producers were saying, "Goodbye Syesha! See you on Broadway in some future revival of 'Dreamgirls' or something"

Anyway, that's the last impression the judges wanted us to have of Syesha. As I said earlier, I don't think she did enough to make up for the difference between her and the Davids, but, in my opinion, the producers made that task impossible after choosing such a terrible song.

I would've liked to have seen her in the finals against David Cook, but that's just not in the cards. (Although I DO get to use the "Byesha" headline I've been saving for the last 4 or 5 weeks.)

Despite what I may write in these columns, I don't have anything personal against David Archuleta. I just think it's kinda creepy to have a 17-year-old kid, who looks like he's 13 and speaks like he's 10 (listen next time Ryan Seacrest asks him a question), but has the musical taste of a 50 year old.

So what'd you think of this episode? Did you like the "Breakfast Club"-y archetypes assigned to each of the contestants at the start of the show? Did Syesha do enough to earn a spot in the final two? Finally, who do you have making it to the top and who do you WANT to make it to the top two?

Dancing with the Stars: Semifinal Four

Last night was the next to last performance show for Season 6 of "Dancing with the Stars." So it's probably not a good sign that the most memorable and entertain thing (by far!) from last night's episode was Len's visit to the remaining four couples — and the return cameo appearance of the unspeakably awesome "DANCMSTR" vanity license plate.

The fact that Len's segment was the best part of a ho-hum semifinal show says more about the safe and vanilla routines (though they were danced very well) than it does about the always entertaining "DANCMSTR" segments.

Also, I'm pretty convinced that the "pick your dances out of a hat" thing was rigged. More on that later.

First, let's get the best part of the episode out of the way. I loved everything about the James Bond-themed segment. I loved that the show got the "DANCMSTR" shot out of the way right away. I loved particular glee Len seemed to take in dancing with Jason (his man-crush). I loved the way he had to dig deep to find something to help Kristi with (the best he could do is instruct her not to hop on a minor move). I loved Cristian asking Len if he was "the girl" while they worked on his samba (and Cristian giving Len a seven). Also, I liked watching Len, Marissa and Tony standing in a straight line and moving their hips in front of the mirror.

Most of all, I loved that the show was able to somehow work in Kym "Boobs" Johnson as Len's girlfriend(?!) If you remember, Kym was Penn's partner and eliminated first (along with Monica Seles). The producers obviously felt it'd been far too long since Kym (and her boobs) had graced the show. Mostly though, I loved seeing that the judges had legs! (Honestly, we only ever see them behind their table).

I suppose I should talk about the dancing at some point. As I mentioned, it wasn't that the performances were bad. It's that they were lacking the "wow factor" the judges kept referring to. Where was the gasp-inducing move or costume? (Ok, so Cheryl's "Satellite" costume sort of covered this base) Where was the out-of-leftfield/atrocious song choice? The judges don't help matters by mostly making themselves a non-factor (seriously, do they even make paddles with the numbers 1-7 for the final few weeks).

It felt like the pro dancers were saving their very best moves and choreography for next week's finals. And since, barring a MAJOR upset, the top 3 is all but guaranteed, why wouldn't Cheryl, Edyta and Mark coast, if only a bit.

We were told at the top that the dancers would be picking their two dances at "random" out of a hat (which looked suspiciously like a giant disco ball) and that they'd no longer be allowed to do their one lift (why was this only a one-week thing?)

If you don't think this show is, at least, a little rigged, take a look at the dances each couple chose at "random." Mark and Kristi got the tango and jive, with the latter dance garnering the season's first perfect score. Jason and Edyta drew the fox trot and paso doble, with the paso doble being the one Latin dance Jason doesn't completely suck at. Cristian and Cheryl got the waltz and samba, which (surprise) allowed Cristian to revisit the dance he got injured doing. Finally, Marissa and Tony got stuck with the quickstep and the rumba. The rumba appears to be the most pain-in-the-ass dance (at least this season) on the show, and it pretty much guaranteed Marissa would end up at the bottom of the leaderboard.

Which isn't to say Marissa threw in the towel. I thought her quickstep was very well done, although I DID notice the botched jeté Bruno pointed out as she was running along Bruno (around 3:29). Meanwhile, other than still lacking a bit in hip action, I thought her Stacy Keibler-assisted rumba(pictured, left since it's probably the last time we'll see her competing on this show) was quite lovely (and my girl Erica LOVED it). Unfortunately, Carrie Ann sort of hated it (by the way, hate = 8 at this stage) and said it lacked the aforementioned "wow factor". I wonder why she decided to pick this dance to unleash her wrath. It was almost as cold as Stacy and Marissa making fun of Tony for his unsexiness.

In my opinion, she could've just as easily picked on Jason's paso doble. One of the more surprising subplots the last few week's on "Dancing with the Stars" is how Jason, a strong contender, is now being consistently out-danced by a one-armed Cristian.

Though I really liked his charming fox trot (heavily featuring his "beautiful lines"), and I thought his paso doble had more dancing content (if less wow!) than his "Monday Night Football" paso, it's starting to look like my boy Jason has hit a plateau. Or maybe he's something for the finals. Hopefully coach/naughty teacher Edyta can motivate him if she makes it through (Dan Marino didn't exactly get the job done). Either way, the judges gave him straight 9s on his paso, despite the fact that he and Edyta clearly did a lift during her floor spin (around 1:52). (How badly do they want him in the final?)

If he makes it there, he'll have strong competition for the right to be outdanced by Kristi in the finals. I actually thought his waltz was nice and a little clunky at times. Mostly I was impressed by the fact that you really CAN waltz to Dave Matthews' "Satellite." I was also mesmerized by Cheryl's dress, which looked like it'd been made on Project Runway. Erica and I were a little scared for him during his samba, but it turned out to be, probably, my favorite dance of the evening. He certainly brought the "party" element to what was described as the "party dance."

Cristian looks like he just figured out that he can actually win this thing and become, in his words, the first Latin winner of "Dancing with the Stars." Well, at least the first Latin winner since Helio about six months ago. Maybe the arm injury affected his memory.

Finally, Kristi did what Kristi does — turned in two professional, technically superior performances. I liked that she and Mark visited a professional (and intimidating) tango class, which gave her helpful pointers which she seemingly went on to ignore. Sorry, but I felt her tango, while spot-on as usual, was still a little robotic and not really too emotional.

Her jive had no chance of living up to her previous perfect performance. I also didn't care for the choice of "Nutbush City Limits" as their song and I agreed with Carrie Ann that she seemed a bit out of synch with the music. It was very good, but she was just slightly off.

So what'd you think of this episode? Can ANYONE (who's not Kristi) perform what would be considered a satisfactory rumba? Who poses the biggest threat to Kristi? Does Marissa have any chance of advancing to the final three?