America's Next Top Recap: The Models Go Green

So last night's theme was all about "Top Model" going green. Not only will the girls be doing their part to help conserve the environment, but, by going green, they will also finally match the ugly CW logo.

Mila expressed her excitement by proclaiming that it's good "to be aware what makes Earth good." Alright then.

Barely seven minutes had gone by in the first competitive episode of the cycle before one of the girls proclaimed they were going skinny dipping in the new house (which actually comes equipped with a cool winding runway with a monitor so they can watch themselves). It was at this point that the editors first re-established that Heather's Asperger's syndrome (or "slight form of autism") was going to alienate her from the rest of the girls. As soon as they started playing this angle up, I feared a quick exit for Heather (who won the first "tearful phone call" award as she talked to her mom), which is a shame because she really is one of the more interesting-looking girls in the house.

After a decent Tyra-at-judging impersonation by token Tyra lookalike Saleisha, the girls headed off for their photo shoot, which had the girls playing dual roles as they showed the impact of smoking. Jenah was excited because, as she puts it, "smoking is gross — I hate that I do it." Alright then.

It was at this point that Bianca (pictured) officially took the resident bitch mantle from Ebony, who actually is now worried about the way she was treating people — good for her as a person, bad for her as a reality show contestant. During the photo shoot, Bianca relentlessly picked an argument with Lisa the not-quite exotic dancer, who, to her credit, fought right back. In fact, I thought they were going to physically fight after Bianca, who apparently has a BIG problem with strippers, finally went "there."

I mean, who cares, that Lisa does a little "bikini dancing" (which seems to mean "prostitute for Bianca)? You gotta do what you gotta do, right? Maybe it's because I like Lisa a lot more, but I was firmly on her side.

After the photo shoot, the girls went to fashion hot spot Old Navy where they were coached by America's Next Top Recap favorite Benny Ninja on fashion for their challenge, which was to pick an outfit for the judging panel. Unfortunately, Benny completely screwed the girls over by encouraging them to forego the basic, muted style the judges prefer in favor of crazy, attention-grabbing accessories. Thanks for nothing, Benny Ninja!

Saleisha easily won the challenge with a nice, basic dress (no surprise) and tasteful necklace and got to star in an Old Navy ad (which we didn't get to see).

As for the photo shoot results, my favorites were Lisa, Sarah, and Heather/Saleisha. The worst was Mila, who got the boot because, as Ms. J pointed out, she did in fact look like she'd just farted. The grossest was Ambreal. Tyra correctly pointed out that the girls did a MUCH better job of looking busted than looking good. Not sure what that says about them, but it's the truth.

So Mila is the first girl to go this season. Who do you think Bianca will pick a fight with next (looks like the answer's Saleisha from next week's preview)? Will Yale's Victoria ever stand up for Heather after pointing out how cruel it was for the girls to be making fun of her behind her back? Will she stand up for anything? Will the fact that this cycle is a no smoking area be a big deal at all?

Dancing with the Stars: Bad Boys

Considering the fact that a man has won "Dancing with the Stars" the past three times (and the one time a woman won, they granted John O'Hurley a BS rematch so he could win), my expectations for the male performances on Tuesday night were a little high.

Actually, I'm pretty sure that even if my expectations were at a regular-to-low level that I still would've been disappointed with the men's showing.

So it was fitting that the evening started off with the completely mediocre-to-bad Cameron Mathison, who, my sources tell me, plays Ryan on daytime soap "All My Children". By my sources, I mean, my mom. I'd love to tell you more about him, his rehearsal footage and his fox trot, but all those things were so nondescript that all I remember was some stuff about him wearing leg braces when he was young and being REALLY busy (isn't everybody?) In fact, the most interesting thing he did was stumble on the steps as the couples were introduced at the beginning (at least I think that was him).

The pace DEFINITELY picked up when Floyd Mayweather hit the dance floor. Actually they picked up TOO much as the judges trashed him for being too aggressive and out of control (kinda true) and seeming like he was actually fighting his partner (definitely true). Still, I LOVE his potential and I think the judges were WAY too harsh on him.

On the flip side they were WAY too nice to Wayne Newton, whose cha cha was really an atrocity. I mean, it's one thing for the judges to kiss up to him in their comments, but did they have to give him a higher score than Floyd? Even though Wayne is CLEARLY the worst dancer in the entire competition, I expect him and his oversized upper body (as Erica pointed out, it's freaky how much bigger his top half is than his legs) to be around a few weeks (poor Josie Maran)

From the worst of the evening, I want to talk about the best, who was clearly race car driver Helio Castroneves. His fox trot with defending pro champion Julianne (pictured, with Helio) was the best dance of the evening, both technically and charmingly. I see no reason why he won't do well in the more upbeat dances, and he's my fave celeb among the males.

Another favorite (among the audience at least) is Albert Reed, who poked fun at his own D-listness by saying he's the least famous person in this competition (and he's kinda right). His insane "cha cha" to Elvis Presley's "A Little Less Conversation" was a crowd pleasure, though I'm 100 percent sure it had less to do with the dancing and more to do with the repeated crotch thrusts (which Bruno seemed to like) and the thoroughly waxed chest. This guy could be around for a while.

Then there's Mark Cuban, who (for some reason) I had high hopes for. I mean, he was fine, but I think he can come a little stronger than he did last night. Then again, maybe he can't, seeing as how he has a scar on his ass (which I didn't need to see) from a recent hip replacement. Still, he's insanely enthusiastic and has potential to become a better dancer. Now he needs to stop lip-synching during the entirety of his routine. That was irritating.

So which guy did you like best? I wasn't the only one that saw Edyta's white thong during her dance with Cameron, right? Is there ANY hope for Wayne Newton? Finally, is there ANY way Sabrina Bryan doesn't win this whole thing?

Eastern Promises Review

I wasn't exactly sure how I felt about "Eastern Promises" after watching it in theatres recently. It wasn't until I was driving home that my eternally perceptive girlfriend summed it up perfectly — the characters (mostly) got what they wanted, but it wasn't a happy ending.

Director David Cronenberg and star Viggo Mortensen's solid follow up to "A History of Violence" is one of "those" movies — the kind with a semi-ambiguous ending that you appreciate more if think enough of it to ponder what you just saw after the credits roll.

The story is set in London where a midwife named Anna (Naomi Watts) comes upon a diary belonging to a young Russian woman who dies shortly after childbirth. Since the diary is written in Russian, Anna sets about having its contents translated to find out who the girl was. As a result, she runs across members of the Russian mafia, including reliable driver/low-level soldier Nikolai (Mortensen), screw up son Kirill (Vincent Cassel), and patriarch Semyon (Armin Mueller-Stahl).

I don't want to give away much more of the plot (which you have to pay attention to, to follow) because there are one or two twists as characters secrets are revealed and blood is spilled.

Man is the blood spilled! As in "History" there are two or three scenes of brutally graphic violence, including an extended sequence with a naked Nikolai fighting for his life. Erica asked me what I thought of Viggo Mortensen in the movie, and I don't think she was talking about his acting.

Which is too bad because I thought he was pretty great. With a slick shock of a hairdo and impressive physical presence (well, mostly impressive, right Erica?), Mortensen conveys a ton with just his mannerisms, posture and glances, which is great because the director fills a lot of his scenes with unspoken tension. He also hints at his character's softer side without doing anything to overt or resorting to anything showy in his acting.

Equally as good are Cassel (doing his best Fredo impersonation), who displays petulance, fear and, yes, charisma equally as well. Then there's Mueller-Stahl who gives his character a thoroughly convincing charming veneer that make his more sinister moments more effective. It's early but I think Mueller-Stahl and Mortensen are Oscar worthy.

Watts was pretty good (as she always is), but I didn't think she was given as much to do as the other actors. Still her scenes at her humble home (especially with a scene-stealing Jerzi Skolimowski as her old-school Russian/overtly racist uncle Stepan) were effective and provided a good contrast to the high-living, flashy mobsters.

That's another thing I liked about the movie — the way it presented such a sinister group of human beings (the Russian Mafia) as just simply being a part of regular life in a regular place. The boss's main office, for example, looked like any other restaurant in any other major city. Also, it was good to see a different breed of mobsters on screen — after this film and "The Departed"s Irish characters, it's clear Italian mobsters are just played out.

The movie does drag a bit at times and Cronenberg's directorial style can be off-putting in the way he sometimes seems to purposely coax performances out of his actors that seem a bit off. Also, sometimes I wasn't entirely sure what was happening in the story while I was watching the movie, but that's mostly because I'm not very bright.

This is an interesting movie and a good kickoff to the fall season, when Hollywood unleashes it's "serious" Oscar fare. Here's hoping I see Mortensen and Mueller-Stahl's name around awards time.

Eastern Promises...B+

NFL Week 4 Picks

It took a lot less time than expected but it's here. I'm sure you've seen it. We've all seen it. But just in case you haven't, here's the rant that supplanted Denny Green's "The Bears (Are What We Thought They Were)" as the "Football Coach Meltdown of the Year. I'm not even mad that he calls a newspaper "garbage" (hey buddy, not ALL of them are) because I love the quote "Come after me! I'm a man! I'm 40!" too much. It's like he's a male version of Sally O'Malley ("I'm 40! Forty years old!").

Also, if you read the column that set coach Gundy off, you can understand why he was so upset, seeing as how the columnist basically said the reason his quarterback was failing was because he was a pussy and a momma's boy.

As far as the picks, I had an ok week (9-7 week, 30-18 overall). Here's hoping I do a little better.

GREEN BAY @ MINNESOTA (upset!)
Green Bay is red hot and Minnesota is just terrible — which is why I'm going with the Vikings to shock the Packers. Brett Favre (pictured, in one of his matchups against the Vikings) doesn't have the best track record in domes and the Pack must be feeling pretty good about themselves after hearing how great they are all week and are primed to go to sleep against the Vikings.

Green Bay's defense is very good, but that advantage won't be as big against the Vikings, because Minnesota's offense is already awful. It's like if I were racing a person with just one leg — what would be the point of me cutting off his other leg? He was already not going to do anything against me with just one leg. Also, how would I even cut someone's leg off? It seems WAY too messy (and dark). Anyway, Minnesota's offense has one leg.

OAKLAND @ MIAMI
Ugh, two pretty bad teams from the same conference. If I had a coin I'd flip it (ala Erica), but instead I'll go with the home team, and also the team that's not the Raiders.

N.Y. JETS @ BUFFALO
I've been ignoring how terrible Buffalo's been this year. Sorry about that. Also, this is another team the Jets really need to beat.

HOUSTON @ ATLANTA
Let's ask the Falcons how trading away QB Matt Schaub to Houston is working out for them because they put all their belief in Michael Vick? Actually, let's not, it must be too depressing. This week I'm back on the Texans bandwagon! Whee!

CHICAGO @ DETROIT
The Bears finally came to their senses and benched my boy Rex Grossman. The fact that they now have a QB in Brian Griese who won't turn the ball over an average of three times a game (right?) and that they NEED this game, means they can't lose. Right?

BALTIMORE @ CLEVELAND
Hey Baltimore, didn't you used to be the Cleveland Browns? (How awesome is it that I get to use that twice a year?!)

ST. LOUIS @ DALLAS
To think a few idiots actually had St. Louis winning their division. Also, yes, it's EXTREMELY painful to watch the Cowboys do so well, although I've come around on Tony Romo. I like him as a player. On a related story, I still hate T.O. A lot.

TAMPA BAY @ CAROLINA
Sure they're going on the road, and sure I'm biased, but I like the way the Bucs have looked these past two weeks. Why shouldn't they be able to keep it up against an inconsistent Carolina team that almost lost to Atlanta. Also, David Carr is starting for the Panthers, and I just can't pick a team whose QB has floppy hair and wears dainty white gloves.

SEATTLE @ SAN FRANCISCO
Although Seattle's looked pretty good the past few weeks, and Alex Smith of the 49ers still sucks, the Niners always seem to get up to play against their divisional rival.

KANSAS CITY @ SAN DIEGO
There's no way the Chargers lose to the awful Chiefs, right? Right?! Look for LT and LJ to compete to see who can get the least yards per carry and complain about it the most after the game.

PITTSBURGH @ ARIZONA
Why is Pittsburgh's schedule so easy so far? I mean, have they even come close to being challenged yet?

DENVER @ INDIANAPOLIS
I think Denver's secondary will (mostly) neutralize the Colts passing game, but I just don't like them to win in that dome. Also, I'm still mad at them for losing at home to the Jags. Blech.

PHILADELPHIA @ N.Y. GIANTS
The Eagles looked great last week in a win. Well, when I say they looked great, I mean they played really well, because they actually looked terrible. The Giants looked like a team that was handed a win last week. I'll go with the Eagles, who really should consider whipping out the throwbacks they wore against Detroit ever week. I looked at the stats and they're averaging 56.0 points per game when they wear those uniforms.

NEW ENGLAND @ CINCINNATI
I like Cincinnati to score more than 14 points against the Patriots, but I think that if I just pick New England to win every week that my percentage for this picks column won't suffer.

Dancing with the Stars: Oh yes it's Ladies Night

That's three straight seasons that I've told myself I'm not going to waste my time writing a recap for "Dancing with the Stars" and three straight times I've been sucked in.

Looking at this particular roster of celebs, I was certain that this would be the skippable year in DWTS. I mean, what's an Albert Reed or a Cameron Mathison or a Josie Maran (pictured).

But there I was again, right back in it after hearing the familiar/cheesy Latin flavory song and a cool, up-tempo (and slightly drawn out) opening routine by the professional dancers. Most importantly, my hopes were lifted sky high when I saw Drew Lachey co-hosting with Tom Bergeron until I found out regular(ly awful) co-host Samantha Harris is only temporarily away on maternity leave. Oh well.

Then Jennie Garth of 90210 fame came out and nearly basically crapped the bed as far as all my goodwill was concerned. Her cha cha (or is it cha cha cha?) to an awkward version of "Uptown Girl" wasn't exactly terrible, it was just that she was so nervous that she looked like she'd rather be anywhere else but there.

Oh did I mention that for this season's premiere the male and female stars would be performing on different nights. At first, I was disappointed because I thought it was just a way for ABC to drag out the show and milk their cash cow (which it is), but then I realized that it's kinda cool to see the female (and eventually male) celebrities pitted against each other, as opposed to comparing them to professionals.

Anyway, as terrified as Jennie Garth was, supermodel Josie Maran looked like she was having a great time out there. The only problem is that she was terrible. It's too bad because I like her, probably based mostly on her rehearsal footage where partner Alec Mazzo described her as "deceptively unfit", which immediately took the lead as my favorite phrase of the new fall season. Unfortunately, like Paulina Porizkova, Josie has NO following and will almost certainly be the first to go.

On the other hand, Cheetah Girl Sabrina Bryan came out and set the dance floor on fire with her cha cha. Sure she integrated hip hop moves which cranky old Len predictably shot down, but Sabrina is clearly moving at a different speed and at a higher level than her female competitors. Now if only we could get her to stop saying "cheetahlicious."

Meanwhile Marie Osmond's fox trot was actually my least favorite dance of the night. Marie's clearly having fun out there, but I just don't see how she can get significantly better to make an impact on the competition or, more importantly, entertain me. She was only half joking about there being 22 million Osmonds out there so she'll be around the competition for a few weeks.

I've never found Mel B. particularly Scary (ooh, she's black and has crazy hair – scary!) but last night I found her to be the most fun competitor. And she's got the perfect partner in Maksim, who she met enthusiastically met by saying "you're hot and full of yourself". Which, of course, is true. Her cha cha was lots of fun and I'm looking forward to watching this couple. Mel B. is basically just like Laila Ali, Maksim's former partner. Only gigglier and more smiley when she dances. This is my favorite couple so far. Also, Mel B. kinda reminds me of my mom from pictures I've seen of her before she had me.

Speaking of my mom, the final competitor of the evening, Jane Seymour, 56, is a year younger than my mom (and I'm sure my mom would appreciate me revealing that fact). It's a REALLY good thing nobody reads this.

Anyway, I got a huge kick out of the fact that self-professed DWTS fanatic Jane Seymour was considerably more excited about meeting her professional partner then he was of her (though he's also a big fan). Also, the couple took a commanding lead in "awwws" as they repeatedly discussed how thrilled and honored they were to be dancing with each other. It really had the potential to be sickening, but these two are so classy that it never crosses that line. Finally, it helps that Dr. Quinn can dance!

So which female celebrity was your favorite? Who do you think is going home? Which male "celebrity" are you most looking forward to seeing?

Heroes: Fallout from the bomb

I don't care what anybody says — the first season finale of "Heroes" was lackluster (at best).

I mean, they build up this huge confrontation with Sylar and Kirby Plaza all year, and all we got were a couple of superpunches from Nikki, a bit of Sylar/Peter action and Hiro (after "extensive" Japanese sword training) simply running Sylar through with the all-important Takezo Kensei sword.

At the time, I just chalked it up to "Heroes" being a TV show and not having the FX budget crappy comic book movies have. Entering its second season as a YOOOGE hit for NBC, that certainly wouldn't be a problem this year, right?

Well, not so much. But I'll get to that in a bit.

Instead, I'll actually talk about stuff I liked after the first installment of "Heroes" in four months. In fact, I just realized that whatever disappointment seeps into this recap stems from how much I missed the show while it was gone.

And although a lot of the episode, entitled "Four Months Later", was disorienting because we're picking up the action an undetermined amount of time after the "showdown" at Kirby Plaza, I'm confident the storylines established last night will eventually pay off.

For instance, the fact that the show had been away for a while and a good chunk of the episode was dedicated to Alejandro and Maya two people we've never seen before, was kind of annoying. Apparently, the siblings are wanted for murder (or "homicidio" as they say in Honduras), but from what we saw last night it seems like Maya is the one with the uncontrollable homocidio-al tendencies. (Shades of Nikki/Jessica who was MIA last night.)Though her brother Alejandro was mostly serving as her protector, I'm thinking he might have some power too because they're related and also because I'm going to assume anyone new has powers.

And why not, seeing as how two other (more interesting) people we met last night showed off their skillz. First, there was the Company man with the Midas touch (what a specific power) played by Stephen Tobolowsky, who tried to recruit Mohinder so they can help find a cure for a virus that is apparently targeting our "Heroes". Not enough attention was paid to this last night, and I'm actually interested to see where they go with this.

Slightly more annoyingly making his debut was Nick D'Agosto as a flighty (see what I did there?) new schoolmate of Claire now that the Bennetts, er Butlers have relocated to Costa Verde, California. Although I liked the "hiding your talents and how much it sucks to strive to be ordinary" plotline better when I saw it in "The Incredibles", I enjoyed the Butler's last night. I especially enjoyed Mr. Bennett (aka Noah) almost breaking the fingers of his stereotypically annoying/petty boss, who I have NOT ruled out as a person with powers. Also, it's always good to see Mr. Muggles (who OBVIOUSLY has some power.)

Meanwhile, everyone's favorite hero, Hiro, was stuck in 17th century Japan alongside his (disappointing) idol, Takezo Kensei. I wasn't really feeling this storyline at the beginning, but after careful consideration, I dig the idea that all of the exploits Hiro admired Kensei for are actually going to turn out to be performed by Hiro himself. Also, I wonder what power Kensei has. He's got one, right?

Back in the present, Hiro's father was marked for death, along with Nathan's mom, Angela Petrelli. Apparently someone is hunting this older generation of "heroes" and by the end of the episode Kaito Nakamura (pictured) had taken a swan dive off a building in the most exciting "action sequence" since Peter and Sylar plunged a few stories in "Homecoming".

So who was that hoodied figure that pushed Kaito off the roof (and presumably also marked Angela for death)? Although the simple answer is Sylar (who, according to the previews, is inexplicably alive as is everyone else) I'm going with Nathan. I spotted him in the crowd right before Ando handed Hiro's dad the newspaper with the marked for death pic on him and he was talking to his mom right before Angela found hers. Also, he could easily push Kaito to his death, and fly to safety.

The only problem with this theory is that I have no idea why he would do such a thing. I think there's probably more to it than Nathan just being distraught over Peter's "death", as illustrated by a solid Ron Burgandy/Jack Shephard "I don't give a damn about life" beard.

Anyway, what did YOU think of the season premiere? Where you slightly underwhelmed like me? How exactly did Matt survive being shot four times in the chest? Also, who is the boogeyman Molly keeps seeing in her dreams? Finally, why is Peter in Ireland, where did he get the necklace with the ubiquitous symbol and that power he used to blast one of those guys? And the haircut?

America's Next Top Recap: The Girls Go Cruisin'

It's baaaack.

Although next week is officially premiere week, new shows for this fall season have already started cropping up. One of those new episodes was the season premiere of (I know I've said it before and I'll say it again) my favorite show to write a recap for: the insanely-addictive-if-you've-ever-caught-a-marathon-on-VH-1-on-the-weekend "America's Next Top Model"!

The show's ninth season, er cycle, kicked off last night as 33 hopefuls were summoned to Puerto Rico (yay!) blindfolded and eventually led onto a cruise (which is actually the exact same way they got ME off the island) captained by a particularly gay looking Miss J.

Soon thereafter, and barely 20 minutes into the cyle, the show already made the girls look absolutely ridiculous by having them show off their runway walk on the deck of the cruise ship while wearing those silly-looking net floaties. I'm not 100 % sure if the models realized how absurd they looked trying to strike serious, high-fashion poses while wearing bright orange neck floaties. Actually I'm pretty sure they didn't because, as my girl Erica pointed out, this particular group of girls seems (what's the word she used? Oh yeah) DUMBER than usual.

After the runway challenge (that no one won) we met the girls one by one and, though I'm still embarrassed that I take notes during this silly show, there's no way I can remember all of them.
Some of the ones that stood out include Chantal (who I think actually prompted Erica's comment about them all looking dumber than usual) who has really long blond hair that is sure to get chopped off if she makes it to the episode where the girls get a makeover. There's also Heather, who suffers from Asperger's syndrome, a condition which leads to social awkwardness (judging from Heather's posture) that I know all about because it's what Jerry "Hands" Espenson suffers from on "Boston Legal". (On a related story, I watch too much TV.)

I also liked Lisa (pictured) the "dancer". I love how whenever a girl says she's a "dancer" in a hesitant way, it usually means she's a stripper, er exotic dancer. Lisa (who was a wreck during the final cut when they narrowed the field to 13 girls still in the running to become you know what) threw her sheepishness out the window as she inexplicably demonstrated her stripper, I mean, exotic moves on a fellow contestant. There's also Mila, who looks like she might pick up the title of "funny, overly enthusiastic girl with an accent" from Natasha of Cyle 8, and Victoria, the token "smart girl" from Yale, who's Ivy League education couldn't prevent her from getting seasick.

Then there's Ebony, who quickly established herself as the cocky/bitchy one who isn't there to make friends and other clichéd things. I was ready to dislike her until Tyra broke her down and make her cry (as only Tyra can) by bringing up Ebony's crack-addicted mother and maybe helping explain why she puts up such a tough front.

Speaking of Tyra, she showed up about halfway through the episode to reclaim her title as Most Insane Person Working In TV Today (MIPWITT) as she lip-synched for the girls on the cruise ship. I was 75% convinced it was actually a drag queen until she spoke and I realized it was really her. I didn't even mention the part where she bent over on all fours and pretended to receive a bikini wax(whoops, I just did).

Other than that, faux-hawked Marvita and Sabrina (who was challenging Ebony in terms of cockiness) made an impression — until they were cut following a beach photo shoot. Oh well.

And, there's not much more to say. The first episode is always tricky because you don't know any of these people. I wasn't really overly impressed with the premiere, but I have no doubt that in a few weeks I'll be fully immersed in this cyle.

So what'd you think of the premiere? Do you have any early favorites? Anybody you can't stand already? Don't be shy and don't pretend like you're not watching or can't find the CW on your cable (ok, so it always takes me a little bit of time too).

Also, I have Sarah, the mini "plus-size" model winning the whole thing (this is the year...I can feel it!)

(NOTE: the girl whose photo is featured with each entry will not always necessarily be the girl who was eliminated that week. In case you haven't watched yet, but you can't wait to read my witty insights, I wouldn't want to ruin the end of any episode just by you glancing at my blog post. That is all.)

NFL Week 3 Picks

So I had another good-not-great week picking (10-6 week, 21-11 overall), which is fine with me given some of the unpredictable results this past weekend. Watch me now, if you will, as I try to keep it up as I'm feeling especially cocky following my first ever win in fantasy football (thank you, Carson Palmer! [pictured, right] and your 6 TDs and 401 yds!). Also, be on the lookout for this blog to become a LOT less manly tomorrow when "America's Next Top Recap" makes it season debut.

DETROIT @ PHILADELPHIA
Wow, starting off with a REALLY tough matchup right away. The Eagles are struggling, Donovan McNabb just looks like he's not right and a key member of their secondary (Brian Dawkins) got hurt just as Detroit and their four excellent wide receivers come to town. On the other hand, the Eagles are at home and these ARE the Lions. Still, although Philly's desperate now, they should've been desperate this past Monday night at home against a lesser team and, instead, looked oddly lifeless. I'm betting these aren't your father's Lions and they go in there and get a win.

MIAMI @ N.Y. JETS
Miami's looked pretty terrible the first two weeks and the Jets will just be happy to be playing a relatively easy game. Pennington or Clemens? Doesn't matter, they win easy.

BUFFALO @ NEW ENGLAND
It's obviously New England and, since I can't think of anything else to say I'll ask why is O.J. Simpson still in the Hall of Fame? Also, now that the New England players think they're all cheaters (when it's the coaches who are cheaters) and they're pissed off, my 14-2 prediction for their record might turn out to be a little conservative.

ARIZONA @ BALTIMORE
Frequent punching bag Kyle Boller looked decent last week. Just in time for Steve McNair to come back and probably take his job back this week. Either way, though Arizona showed some fire, I like the Ravens at home.

ST. LOUIS @ TAMPA BAY
In what had to be the most shocking result of the week (yes, even more shocking than Cleveland putting up 51 against the Bengals, since Cincy's defense sucks), the Bucs pimp-slapped New Orleans last week. Stephen Jackson is the kind of big back who gives the Bucs a lot of trouble, but his offensive line is busted and QB Marc Bulger is dinged up. Do I dare get my hopes up that the Bucs can do something this year following their best game since their Super Bowl victory (four years ago!)? Yes, I dare.

SAN FRANCISCO @ PITTSBURGH
I've been watching San Fran because I have Frank Gore on my fantasy team and I learned something. Alex Smith kinda sucks. A lot. On a related story, Pittsburgh should kick their ass this weekend.

INDIANAPOLIS @ HOUSTON
Do I dare stick with Houston after picking them in mini-upsets three weeks in a row? No, I don't.

SAN DIEGO @ GREEN BAY
The Chargers have to beat SOMEBODY up after being embarrassed on national TV last week, right?

MINNESOTA @ KANSAS CITY
Two of my least favorite teams in the league. I think KC is the worst team in the league, but I like them to win at Arrowhead, especially when they're going up against Tarvaris Jackson or Brooks Boellinger (if Jackson can't play)

CLEVELAND @ OAKLAND
A couple of scrappy bad teams. I'll go with Oakland because their secondary HAS to be better than Cincinnati's, they're at home and Cleveland has to lose if my prediction about Romeo Crennel getting fired first is to come true.

JACKSONVILLE @ DENVER
Denver's at home and maybe now that they're playing a decent team, they won't play down to the competition and actually win the game by not relying on a last-second field goal.

CINCINNATI @ SEATTLE
Should be plenty of offense in this one, but when an AFC team plays an NFC team of equal stature, I'll always go with the good AFC team. (see, Min/KC game)

N.Y. GIANTS @ WASHINGTON
I mean, is there ANY hope for the Giants. Also, Jason Campbell of the Skins is looking better and better.

CAROLINA @ ATLANTA
Atlanta has officially joined the Giants in the category of "hopeless teams."

DALLAS @ CHICAGO
If Tony Romo wins this game, THEN I'll finally believe in him. Instead, I'll go with Chicago at home.

TENNESSEE @ NEW ORLEANS
Sure, the Saints have been awful, but I like them to bounce back in their home opener inside a Superdome that, with the emotion of the crowd alone, should help carry them to victory.

John's Emmy Picks

I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again: right now, TV is kicking movies' big-screen ass in terms of quality. So how could I not give you my thoughts on the awards that (allegedly) honor the best work in television?

I can't possibly predict who'll win these damn things (because voters decide based on a few individual episodes, as opposed to the entire TV season). So here's who I LIKE in the 10 major categories:

COMEDY SERIES "The Office" • NBC "Entourage" • HBO "30 Rock" • NBC "Two and a Half Men" • CBS "Ugly Betty" • ABC

What John Thinks: Well, I've made no secret of the fact that I think The Office is the best show on TV right now. 30 Rock wins the most improved award, becoming laugh-out-loud excellent after a so-so start. Entourage had a down season with its repetitive "Medellin" saga and the increasingly unwatchably annoying Vince. I like The Office to win, but they'll probably give it to Ugly Betty a show grew on me in a big way (had to get used to the weird, over-the-top tone) and seems to have a ton of goodwill.

DRAMA SERIES "Boston Legal" • ABC "Grey's Anatomy" • ABC "Heroes" • NBC "House" • FOX "The Sopranos" • HBO

What John Thinks: Well, what I think is that Lost and Friday Night Lights (my new obsession — thanks Erica!) were both better last year than any of the nominated shows. Still, even if those two shows had been nominated, there's no way The Sopranos wasn't going to win for its slightly uneven, but typically outstanding final season. House dragged in the middle, Boston Legal is a comedy, Heroes can be pretty damn uneven sometimes and I kinda hate Grey's Anatomy.

ACTOR IN A COMEDY Alec Baldwin, "30 Rock" • NBC Steve Carell, "The Office" • NBC Tony Shalhoub, "Monk" • USA Charlie Sheen, "Two and a Half Men" • CBS Ricky Gervais, "Extras" • HBO

What John Thinks: To me, it comes down to Alec Baldwin and Steve Carell, who are both brilliant. Carell's won a Golden Globe for The Office, as has Baldwin for 30 Rock. I'll give the edge to Baldwin (if Carell wins, my feelings won't be hurt), for finally finding his wheelhouse in TV AND on a sitcom, and looking like he's been going it his entire life. On a related story, if Tony Shalhoub (who I actually like) beats both of them out, I'm done with the Emmys.

ACTOR IN A DRAMA Hugh Laurie, "House" • FOX James Gandolfini, "The Sopranos" • HBO Kiefer Sutherland, "24" • FOX Denis Leary, "Rescue Me" • F/X James Spader, "Boston Legal" • ABC

What John Thinks: This is consistently one of the more crowded categories and there are a bunch of guys who should be in here that aren't even nominated (Kyle Chandler, Friday Night Lights, Ian McShane, Deadwood, Michael Chiklis, The Shield). Sutherland suffers from the suckiness of the past season of 24. Leary's good, but I don't think the show has a high enough profile. I LOVE Hugh Laurie, but James Gandolfini's work as Tony Soprano is just in another league from anything else on TV. And the beauty is that it never, EVER looks like he's acting. (Beware of the always-excellent James Spader sneaking in and taking the prize).

ACTRESS IN A COMEDY America Ferrera, "Ugly Betty" • ABC Tina Fey, "30 Rock" • NBC Julia Louis-Dreyfus, "The New Adventures of Old Christine" • CBS Mary-Louise Parker, "Weeds" • Showtime Felicity Huffman, "Desperate Housewives" • ABC

What John Thinks: A suddenly stacked category after the debut of a couple new sitcoms with strong, funny women as the heroes. Huffman, Louis-Dreyfous (who won last year) and Parker are both great, but Huffman's already won, and Parker doesn't have the heat that newcomers Fey and Ferrera have. I actually like all the nominees, but I think America Ferrara is going to take this prize for grounding an incredibly silly show (Fey does the same, but I'll suspect they'll reward her writing). Beware of Louis-Dreyfous, who Emmy (rightfully) loves.

ACTRESS IN A DRAMA Edie Falco, "The Sopranos" • HBO Kyra Sedgwick, "The Closer" • TNT Sally Field, "Brothers and Sisters" • ABC Minnie Driver, "The Riches" F/X Mariska Hargitay, "Law & Order: SVU" • NBC

What John Thinks: Not a great crop this year. I'll give the prize to Edie Falco, but she really didn't have that much to do this year (although she was still excellent as usual). Also, it's the only one of these five shows I watch, so I'd be posing if I picked anyone else. Methinks Field or Sedgwick (probably Sedwick) will win.

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY Kevin Dillon, "Entourage" • HBO Jeremy Piven, "Entourage" • HBO Neil Patrick Harris, "How I Met Your Mother" • CBS Rainn Wilson, "The Office"• NBC Jon Cryer, "Two And A Half Men" •CBS

What John Thinks: Another one of the ridiculously stacked categories. All of these guys are pretty damn funny, but I'll give the edge to Rainn Wilson because his Dwight Schrute (a character that could've gotten old REALLY fast) has actually become more dimensional and likable, even as he goes more and more over-the-top. That's, in no small part, due to Wilson.

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA William Shatner, "Boston Legal" • ABC T.R. Knight, "Grey's Anatomy" • ABC Masi Oka, "Heroes" • NBC Michael Emerson, "Lost" • ABC Terry O'Quinn, "Lost" • ABC

What John Thinks: All of these guys are strong, and Masi Oka will probably win because he was consistently the best thing about the biggest new show of the season, but I like creepy Michael Emerson. You never know where his character's coming from and this year he played command and vulnerability equally well.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY Jaime Pressly, "My Name Is Earl" (NBC) Jenna Fischer, "The Office" (NBC) Holland Taylor, "Two And A Half Men" (CBS) Conchata Ferrell, "Two And A Half Men (CBS) Vanessa Williams, "Ugly Betty" (ABC) Elizabeth Perkins, "Weeds" (Showtime)

What John Thinks: Some very funny ladies in here. I feel bad for Elizabeth Perkins and Jamie Pressly because they're both hilarious and because this is a two-person race between Vanessa Williams and Jenna Fischer. It's too close for me to call, and I'd have no problem at all if Williams wins (nice career comeback!), but there's no way I can pick against my beloved, shy, witty, long-suffering and suddenly-standing-up-for-herself Pam, who Jenna Fischer has brilliantly brought to life.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA Rachel Griffiths, "Brothers & Sisters" • ABC Katherine Heigl, "Grey's Anatomy" • ABC Chandra Wilson, "Grey's Anatomy" • ABC Sandra Oh, "Grey's Anatomy" • ABC Aida Turturro, "The Sopranos" • HBO Lorraine Bracco, "The Sopranos" • HBO

What John Thinks: Neither of the Sopranos ladies stood out this year (Bracco had one REALLY good scene, in her last one on the show) and I don't watch Brothers and Sisters. That leaves the always-overacting/crying Heigl, sassy, Wilson (who was severely underused this year (to focus on stupid ferry disasters and other garbage) and Sandra Oh, who should have this prize locked up thanks to her showy, Emmy-y breakdown in the finale.

NFL Week 2 Picks

After a decent debut the first week of the season (11-5), I'm gonna try to keep the good times rolling. We've now seen every time in the league play a game, and, from here on out, I'll do my very best not to outthink myself and pick the teams I like. Here we go!

BUFFALO @ PITTSBURGH
Pittsburgh looked even better than I thought they would and this is their home opener, so I expect them to be pumped up. Meanwhile, J.P. Losman of the Bills was closer to being the J.P. Losman who I considered the worst QB in the league than the guy who led a feisty team last year. I say Pittsburgh in a laugher. I know a "laugher" is a blowout, but does anyone actually laugh. I guess the winning team does.

HOUSTON @ CAROLINA (mini-upset)
Don't ask me why, but I'm feeling some Houston this week. I love the way they looked against Kansas City (although KC is horrible). Should be one of the better games this week, given how Jake Delhomme is back to playing well now that he's scared of losing his job to David Carr.

ATLANTA @ JACKSONVILLE
I thought Atlanta would be better than most people thought without Vick, but they looked pathetic against Minnesota. Jacksonville's defense will show up this weak and shut down the Falcons the way the Vikings did.

NEW ORLEANS @ TAMPA BAY
Hmm, I wonder who New Orleans will take their embarrassing opening-week loss out on? For extra fun, the Bucs' starting QB and RB both suffered injuries last year. Bucs fever! Catch it!

GREEN BAY @ NY GIANTS
I stupidly said Green Bay would get their asses kicked and instead their D and special teams carry them to a win over the infinitely more talented Eagles. Well the Giants are a LOT worse than the Eagles, and they don't have starting QB Eli Manning. I think the young and impressive Pack defense will be able to handle Hefty Lefty Jared Lorenzen (pictured, top right, because how often do I have good reason to post a pic of that guy). Also, Brett Favre should be able to score some points this week for a change.

SAN FRANCISCO @ ST. LOUIS
I wasn't impressed by either team opening week, but St. Louis was especially lifeless. I guess I'll go with the Niners.

CINCINNATI @ CLEVELAND
The Bengals managed to beat the Ravens (although six Baltimore turnovers helped) with no running game and a merely ok Carson Palmer. I expect them to decimate the Browns.

INDIANAPOLIS @ TENNESSEE
Are YOU gonna pick against Indy just yet after that beatdown they put on the Saints? Me neither.

MINNESOTA @ DETROIT
I like the Lions offense in the turf in what should be an interesting matchup against Minny's good defense.

DALLAS @ MIAMI (upset!)
Tony Romo's not THAT good (345 yards, 4 TDs), but the Dallas defense IS that bad (35 points to the woeful Giants?!). Miami actually has a defense and I expect them to take down an NFC "power" (like they did with the Bears last year)

SEATTLE @ ARIZONA
Arizona was among the least impressive teams the first week while I have no idea how good Seattle is since they beat the terrible Bucs. I suspect they're pretty good though.

NY JETS @ BALTIMORE (mini-upset)
Steve McNair was terrible and then he got hurt. The Jets got stomped on. I go out of my way to show the Ravens some respect last week and they embarrass me. I'm done with them! Finally, as I warned in my preseason picks, there's a chance Ravens fans might be getting too many looks at this, so I'll take the Jets.

OAKLAND @ DENVER
Oakland showed some life last week, but they haven't won a division game in a few years. And they won't win one this weekend.

KANSAS CITY @ CHICAGO
I'm becoming more and more convinced that Kansas City is the worst team in the league. Look for the Bears to rebound.

SAN DIEGO @ NEW ENGLAND
Although the Patriots clinched the AFC East with their demoralizing rout of the Jets in the Meadowlands (not sure that's official, but still) I expect them to still play hard against the Chargers, who will be looking to avenge the game they gave away in the playoffs last year. Instead of having to deal with Reche Caldwell and Jabar Gaffney, the Chargers have to deal with Randy Moss, Donte' Stallworth and Wes Welker. Good luck.

WASHINGTON @ PHILADELPHIA
I have a feeling Philly will be angry over losing the Packer game and that they'll blitz young Redskins QB Jason Campbell into oblivion.

John's MTV VMA Diary

From the creator of "John's Oscar Diary" comes "John's MTV VMA Diary"! (From writing about the Oscars to writing about the VMAs...that's a pretty damn steep decline.) Anyway, here we go:

-:01 "He looks like a stale French fry...with AIDS" - my girl Erica (who's joining me via phone) on pre-show host John Norris' new blonde look. I concur and I have a feeling this isn't the last we'll hear from Erica tonight.

On a side note, why does MTV still employ John Norris? I guess they want a guy who's 20 years older than the rest of their personalities to give off that "creepy older guy" vibe to make their other VJ's look better.

:00 I heard a rumor MTV was going to be broadcasting something related to music, so I tuned in to see if it was true.

:01 The general consensus is that Britney's looking a little chunky (and it shows by how she's not moving around too much). Did she eat just before she went on stage? Also, it looks like they borrowed the set from "Chicago's" "Cell Block Tango" for her performance of "Gimme More."

:03 Britney's done. Is that it? I guess so. I guess I kinda expected a little more from Britney's "big comeback" than 2 1/2 minutes of lip synching. It was...mediocre. I mean, mediocrity is pretty much the worst she could've done. Even a train wreck of a performance would've been preferable. Where's Madonna? Maybe it's not too late to make out with her!

:06 And Sarah Silverman's doing what she does. She'll start out with a mildly funny/mean line, and eventually she crosses the line, this time by making me think of Britney Spears "hairless vagina"...and then illustrating it with her lips. Ick.

:07 And now Sarah Silverman is babbling on and on (as she tends to do) as the silence from the audience gets stonier and stonier. Now she's gone...I'll spend the next 15 seconds trying to figure out what the point of that was.

:09 Alicia Keys is out there looking like she could kick my ass with her ripped arms. Don't sleep on "The Piano Diet."

:11 She threw it over to Kanye West and Justin Timerlake and Timbaland in different parts of Vegas as the VMAs try to mix it up. Mostly I'm just trying to figure out why there's a guy in a bunny costume behind Pete Wentz of "Fall Out Boy".

:13 "Monster Single of the Year" is up, given to the song that was everywhere this year! I like the name of that award, it's better than "Biggest song of the year" or something generic like that. They should have more creative categories like that. I mean, tell me you wouldn't be tuning in for when they presented something like "Sluttiest Video of the Year."

:14 After about 18 nominees, "Umbrella" wins, to the surprise of no one and a bright pink Rihanna accepts the first award of the evening.

:15 Ok, Kanye is doing "Stronger" at his party. He wasn't introduced or anything, but I guess this is the second performance of the night. I believe this is the first time that someone who needs no introduction actually started performing with no introduction.

:16 Nevermind, they're going to commercial as he's performing. Just weird.

:21 Bill Hader and Seth Rogen, aka the best part of "Superbad" (sorry, but it's true) are hanging out at a bar/explaining the rules for Best New Artist.

:22 Carrie Underwood?! How many years of eligibility does Carrie Underwood have left as a new artist. Damn!

:23 Jennier Hudson and Robin Thicke come out to present "Quadrupule Threat of the Year." I take back what I said about liking the creatively named awards after seeing nominee Kanye West included as a "social activist." I mean, he may very well be that, but what the hell does that have to do with any videos. They're reaching.

:25 JT wins, yells out something about playing more videos on MTV and goes back to partying with the crowd. It's the leader in the clubhouse for best acceptance speech.

:27 ...and a member of Fall Out Boy (I can't tell those emo kids apart) completely fails as he tries to smash his guitar and nearly takes out a band member. Nice.

:32 Ok, now it's the Foo Fighters' turn to perform at a random party with no introduction. It's fun watching people thrash around as they "dance" to hard rock.

:33 ...and the show cuts away as it starts to get good. Thanks MTV.

:34 Oh, Kanye and 50 Cent on stage together. If you didn't know Fitty said he'd retire if Kanye outsold him on Tuesday, though I heard he's since backed out on that. Somebody must've finally told Fitty that he kinda sucks.

:35 Beyonce and Shakira beat Timberlake and Timbaland in a minor upset for "Most Earth-Shattering Collaboration" (nice title) for "Beautiful Liar". I think the Earth just shook when one of Beyonce's boobs almost fell out of her dress.

:36 And the show cuts away while a sleveless Adam Levine sings. Interesting strategy cutting off every single musical performance. (I mean, who the hell wants to hear music, right?) I wonder what the thinking behind that decision was, but let's see where they're going with this.

:38 To be honest I don't know why I'm writing about this since I hardly get to see videos anymore. The only videos I ever watch are between 8 and 8:20 a.m. on VH-1's "Jump Start" when I'm getting ready for work. Based on that experience, I'm shocked Elliot Yamin's "Wait for You" and Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry" aren't sweeping this thing.

:43 Erica and I are 75 percent sure Rosario Dawson and Alicia Keys are wearing the same dress.

:44 Chris Brown is the second person (after Britney) who gets to perform on stage as opposed to at some random party. I guess you can only perform on the main stage if you're blatantly lip-synching. Still, I like that he had two little kids dancing with him and that he appeared to be paying homage to "Carnivale" at the beginning.

:46 Oh, Rihanna just jumped in and I woke up. I mean, Chris Brown is a great dancer and all, but I ALWAYS just kinda space out during his performances...he's just not that interesting to me, sorry. I'll even overlook how much I hate Chris Brown's "Cinderella" (his take on "Umbrella") which is sure to follow.

:48 Ooh, instead of singing "Cinderella" he's doing an homage to Michael Jackson. How original. (At least I didn't have to sit through "Cinderalla")

:49 My mom just called in to berate me for not liking Chris Brown.

:56 I don't know who these chicks are, but I'll assume they're from "The Hills" or something.

:57 "Male Artist of the Year" (what a conventional title!) goes to JT in another shocker. Wait, now JT is present to accept the award after being at a different party. I'm confused!

:58 My 14-year-old brother pointed out to me that the parties are probably happening at different parts of the same hotel. I feel like an idiot.

:59 Justin reiterates his plea to play more damn videos. Yay! In response, MTV orders 72 more episodes of "The Ashlee Simpson Show."

1:05 Now JT is back with Fitty somewhere different. Maybe they pre-taped some of this stuff. Ok, I'll stop trying to figure it out before I go crazy.

1:08 Shia LeBeouf comes out with the wispiest mustache of the night.

1:09 Did he seriously just announce the title of the new Indy movie. Damn, I thought he was just kidding and setting us up for a fakeout. I wish I had been paying attention! Something about a Kingdom of a Skull. Dammit!

1:10 Fergie wins, and Ludacris accepts on her behalf. Oh wait, no he doesn't, so LeBeouf accepts the award in the evening's most awkward moment.

1:11 As he performs with Kanye, Erica wonders if the big shiny metal thing T-Pain is holding is a Horcrux. Seriously, what the hell is that thing?

1:15 My sources tell me Shia LeBeouf actually said "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls" Still not 100 percent sure he's not kidding. I love me some Indiana Jones, but that's a damn long title. Also, what the hell does that even mean?!

1:18 It's the girl from "Transformers" (aka Megan Fox) who, for some reason, didn't come out with Shia LeBeouf. That would've made too much sense. At least she confirms the multiple parties are happening in the same hotel and that my know-it-all brother was right. I can let it go now.

1:19 We're treated to the musical stylings of Timbaland who's serving as "Musical Maestro" for the evening. I wonder what goofy title I can give myself. Maybe Grandmsater Scribe.

1:22 Linkin Park is giving, by far, the liveliest performance of the night. No joke or sarcasm...I'm just calling it like I see it.

1:23 E and Vinny Chase from "Entourage" show up to present "Best Group". I realize those two have real names, but I don't really care to type them. Every one knows they're "E" and "Vinny Chase." Turtle and Drama must be off somewhere else getting into a wacky adventure. Fall Out Boy won, in case you care. Seems like they're just handing out awards based on the groups instead of, you know, the videos.

1:30 Ok, I'll go to decent lengths to defend "Umbrella"...but Rihanna's "Shut up and Drive" sucks. It sounds like it should be on the soundtrack to something. Maybe "The 4ast and the 4urious." (You just know that's getting made.)

1:33 Nelly shows up with a beer in his hand (classy). I'd kinda forgotten he existed to be honest. I mean, who else that I've forgotten is gonna show up? Ja Rule, where are you?

1:34 He introduces a piano-less Alicia Keys. I'll take the next three minutes to wonder if there's anything Alicia Keys can't do.

1:36 She just gave in to her piano-withdrawal.

1:44 Yes! Gym Class Heroes' "Clothes Off"! (my myspace profile song) That song is so much fun and I wish the radio down here would play it. I love it!

1:45 Ok, Jamie Foxx appears to be making "The Kingdom" co-star really uncomfortable. It's making for pretty decent comedy. I like Jamie Foxx a LOT, but why does he feel like he needs to act like a jackass at MTV awards.

1:47 Foxx plugs "The Kingdom" for the second time in less than two minutes.

1:50 Gym Class Heroes (or as Jennifer Garner calls them, "Gym Class Fallout") wins in a shocking upset over the likes of Amy Winehouse and others for Best New Artist. Or as Jennifer Garner called it "Best New Group." Garner and Foxx considerably livened this show up.

1:51 Miss Teen South Carolina shows up to spoof her map-mishap (mismap?!). I get that she can laugh at herself, but her bit wasn't effective at all and kinda lame. Sorry. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going back to watching this.

1:57 Mary J. Blige (who Erica thinks is overrated) comes out to introduce a tribute to Dr. Dre. I bet you motherf---as act like you forgot about Dre.

1:58 Damn, Dre's been working out at the same gym as Timbaland. Also, nevermind on the tribute, he's just introducing "Video of the Year." So, if you're keeping score, Mary J. Blige introduced Dre so he could introduce something else.

1:59 Rihanna's "Umbrella" wins the evening's biggest prize. Yay! Somewhere, Mandy Moore is kicking a trash can over in disgust.

2:01 According to my TV guide, this thing was supposed to end after two hours (at 11 p.m.) but Diddy and Young Joc appear to be holding us hostage for a bit longer. This better be good.

2:02 By the way, "Heroes" Hayden Panettiere has shown up as some sort of guest a few times VJ and has done an infinitely better (and less creepy) job than John Norris.

2:04 Apparently, we're going to get some JT, Timbaland and Nelly Furtado. I think it's just so cute that those three are getting a little exposure for their music.

2:05 Some blonde impostor knocked out Nelly Furtado backstage and is performing in her place. (Is that John Norris?!) Actually, she doesn't look too bad.

2:06 I try in vain to find a photo of a blonde John Norris so you can SEE what I'm talking about. The Internet must have some sort of firewall against such a horrible sight.

2:07 Timbaland does a bit of "The Way I Are" (blatantly defying good grammar), while JT sings my favorite song on his CD, "Lovestoned." It's a shame that song has such a crappy video. I mean, who's the one who said using "Windows Media Player" technology would be a good idea.

2:11 I mean, that was a decent performance, but nothing I'd say was special. Weird way to close out a weird show. Thanks for reading though!

NFL Week 1 Picks

Holy potatoes, the football season starts in three days. I mean, I always do my football picks on Tuesdays (following the Monday night game) so I can't see injury reports or trends and then psyche myself into going against my gut instinct, but still — the NFL regular season is starting in THREE DAYS. Here are my picks: (my picks to win are bold)

1. NEW ORLEANS @ INDIANAPOLIS
These teams are pretty evenly matched: high-powered offense, suspect defense, great at home. That last part is why I give the edge to Indy, who open the season in the RCA Dome (pictured, right). If the game had been at the Superdome (pictured, left) I would have picked the Saints.

2. PHILADELPHIA @ GREEN BAY
This should be an ass-kicking.

3. KANSAS CITY @ HOUSTON
I don't like either team that much, but Kansas City is just going to be bad this year. Just watch.

4. DENVER @ BUFFALO
I'm scared of this game, but I think Denver will pull it off.

5. PITTSBURGH @ CLEVELAND
T-minus 5 games for the Brady Quinn Era.

6. CAROLINA @ ST. LOUIS
I picked St. Louis to win their division, so I might as well pick them to win their home opener (they're good at that dome).

7. ATLANTA @ MINNESOTA (mini-upset!)
I just don't see Adrian Peterson contributing quite yet, and, as documented, I think Tarvaris Jackson is terrible. I'll give the Falcons the benefit of the doubt in this game and I'm curious to see how they play.

8. NEW ENGLAND @ NY JETS
New England has several key injuries on defense, Randy Moss is hobbled, and the Jets will be fired up for their home opener — but I still expect them to win. Sorry.

9. MIAMI @ WASHINGTON
I expect Miami to be almost as bad as Kansas City, so I'm going with the 'Skins. (I'm going against my rule of picking the AFC team when two bad teams play.)

10. TENNESSEE @ JACKSONVILLE
Will Vince Young get hurt now, or will he wait till about four or five games into the season. Stupid Madden Curse!

11. CHICAGO @ SAN DIEGO
San Diego will be fired up, Rex Grossman will be REALLY flustered and the Chargers will win.

12. TAMPA BAY @ SEATTLE
Jon Gruden is coming on as a strong contender for first coach to be fired this year. The Browns' Romeo Crennel better watch his back.

13. DETROIT @ OAKLAND
Again, going against my rule of picking the AFC team when two bad teams play, but I actually think Detroit will light it up on their way to shattering the myth that the Raiders "aren't THAT bad" because their defense is decent.

14. NY GIANTS @ DALLAS
Dallas will kick the Giants' ass, and the Giants will start criticizing the coach, and coach Tom Coughlin will start criticizing the players and, hey, we have a new entrant in the "first to be fired" sweepstakes.

15. BALTIMORE @ CINCINNATI
All last year I didn't believe in the Ravens, so I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt here. If they lose this game, I'm done with them. (Go Carson Palmer! My fantasy team's starting QB!)

16. ARIZONA @ SAN FRANCISCO
In the battle of two insanely overhyped teams coming into the season, I'll go with San Francisco, who is at home and is not the historically bad loser the Cardinals are.

Superbad Review

Well, if nothing else, we can thank this movie for bringing the phrase "period blood" to the forefront.

That was just one of many, many, many funny/profane riffs in the latest comedy from the Judd Apatow (Knocked Up, The 40-Year-Old Virgin) machine. Though Apatow directed those other two films, he merely serves as a producer on "Superbad" and his touch behind the camera is missed

The story centers around BFFs Evan (Michael Cera) and Seth (Jonah Hill) trying to score booze so they score during one crazy night toward the end of the high school year. Later...wait, that's all there is to the plot of this movie. As with all Apatow productions, there is a mixture frank sex talk and sweetness though, for the first time, the combination feels a bit off in "Superbad."

A lot of that probably has to do with the fact that I kinda hated Jonah Hill's performance as the obnoxious Seth. I get that Seth is supposed to be a loudmouthed, immature pain-in-the-ass and that he's supposed to be a contrast to the smarter, understated (and brilliant) Michael Cera.

But there are WAY too many scenes with Evan and Seth where Hill is just standing there screaming his head off at Cera and, not so much reciting dialogue but, trying to think of the most outrageous (and not necessarily clever) things he could possibly say. There are ways to do this without being so grating (see Vince Vaughn in "Wedding Crashers"). Though Hill DID get some funny lines in, those scenes mostly worked thanks to the way Cera played off him. I love me some Michael Cera (in the dark) and I hope he becomes a movie star for a long time.

Also making his presence felt was scene-stealer Christopher Mintz-Plasse's Fogell, better known from all the previews for the film as "McLovin." In fact, after an ill-fated attempt to get alcohol with a fake ID, the movie splits off between Evan and Seth's journey and the adventures of McLovin and two loony cops (co-writer Seth Rogen and Bill Hader). The fact that I thoroughly enjoyed the McLovin/cops subplot more than the storyline with the main characters is probably not a good sign.

Neither is the fact that, in my one slight annoyance in Apatow comedies, the women are mostly attractive blank slates and get almost none of the funny lines. In "Superbad" Evan and Seth are after high school cuties Becca and Jules, respectively, who...well, to be honest, I can't tell you a damn thing about them other that they're both vaguely cool in a way that a male writer would write a woman character who's supposed to be kinda cool. In the end, that's probably because the movie is really a love story between two guys, and I enjoyed the sweet scene near the end where each character learns to let go.

This is still one of the better comedies of the year. I liked the funky soundtrack used throughout the film to make these "uncool" characters look badass and Seth's many "creative" drawings were inspired. There is also a sequence that captures the feeling of being stuck at a scary/weird party pretty well.

If it sounds like I'm underwhelmed it's because I had sky-high expectations for this one and, while there were funny moments, a lot of the jokes (especially in Jonah Hill's case) came off as more an attempt to shock than an attempt to make somebody laugh. Also, after naming my fantasy football team "The Sexy Hamburgers", the line wasn't even in the movie. Boo!

Superbad...B-