America's Next Top Recap: A Bunch of Hot Air

Well, a lot happened last night.

Unfortunately, hardly any of it had to do with modeling or the competition. Normally, I wouldn't care if the modeling takes a backseat to some juicy developments in the house. However, last night's faux-drama was so obviously manufactured and blown out of proportion that it mostly ended up being a waste of time.

I'll get to that eventually, but first let me talk about the little substance there actually was in this episode. This week, the contestants had their annual meeting with America's Next Top Recap" favorite Benny Ninja.

I know he's allegedly there to teach the girls how to bend their bodies into interesting poses, but last night, he seemed a little light on actually instruction. In fact, all he did was introduce an Australian model/fellow contortionist, and team up with her to criticize the contestants as they struggled inside red fabric tubes that made the models look like they were babies in a womb (except less graceful). (Actually, Benny also went on to wear a comically small shiny top hat slanted on his head during the challenge later.) In what would become a recurring theme, Nikeysha seemed to struggle the most with her posing, while the surprisingly limber Sheena went over the top and into hooch territory with her posing.

Both of those themes showed up again during the week's challenge, where the contestants had to model handbags and accessories by Tarina Tarantino (that can't be her real name, right?) I'm not really sure why Nikeysha thought it was a good idea to tell someone she's never met that she has to pee right before she's going to work for them, but she did anyway. Meanwhile, Sheena went looked at "over the top" laughed and went over THAT as she contorted herself impressively, but placed the handbag in front of her lady bits. (What? Is that not flattering?) This was followed by an entertaining montage of the contestants quivering as they struggled to hold their poses (get off that chandelier, you!), but, in the end, Elina came out on top and won a Tarantino handbag full of goodies for her trouble.

Meanwhile, back at the house, the girls were bonding at that good ol' reality show standby — the hot tub. The girls played truth or date and Sheena danced on a dare and claimed she wasn't a hooch (as footage of her grinding her ass out was shown — brilliant). Also, Elina kissed Clark, thereby fulfilling what seemed like a lifelong fantasy for her. I would've been a little more excited if Clark weren't such a bitch (though we didn't see any of that this week) and if Elina hadn't pulled a clearly hesitant Clark toward her quite as much.

Shortly after that, we got Shovegate. Ok, it's not really called that, but I have to call Hannah (pictured, right) lightly pushing Isis away as she danced neared her something. We never know how these things are edited to look, but the moment led to an awkward silence and, eventually, the revelation that Hannah doesn't feel comfortable about all these "characters." She also called herself the "stereotypical white girl" and said she would never walk into a room, exclaiming "heeeeyyy," ala Nikeysha.

Personally, I don't think Hannah is an evil racist. In fact, she's neither evil nor racist. In my opinion, the girl (who apparently lived in an igloo, according to the way she talks) has never been around people with such diverse personalities and feels completely uncomfortable. She's not mean, she's just ignorant. However, despite the fact that reality shows DO tend to cast certain types of people, calling her fellow competitors "characters" is a little demeaning. Then again, I didn't agree with the "Hannah, are you a racist ambush" that eventually transpired. That's a matter that should've been discussed with her privately, but I understand that doesn't make for terribly compelling television. And neither does watching Isis give herself a hormone shot. I liked that she had a touching moment with Analeigh, but I just can't stand watching anybody inject themselves with anything. Ack.

Anyway, the week's photo shoot was to have the girls hanging off a rope ladder from a hot air balloon while they tried to maintain their poses. On one hand, I was pretty impressed with most of the girls' pictures. On the other hand, I was majorly disappointed the hot air balloon had to be scrapped for safety issues (the girls hung from a limp ladder attached to a crane instead). I mean, who wouldn't want to see them try to "remember their faces" and come up with interesting poses while whipping around the air? The challenge was safer, but considerably less exciting without the balloon (who the hell cares about safety?!)

My favorites of the bunch were Joslyn, Elina (inviting Angelina Jolie comparisons), Marjorie (striking gold with her garment and the wind) and Lauren Brie, who's picture nearly caused the judges to have an orgasm. I thought it was a fierce shot, but I don't know if it was Top 5 in "Model" history as Tyra claimed. Most of the other shots were pretty solid too, except for Nikeysha and Isis (Paulina REALLY hated that shot), who landed in the bottom two.

Other highlights (or lowlights) from the judging panel included Tyra scolding a few of the girls for not dressing properly. (How do these girls not get it? It'd be like going on "Hell's Kitchen" and not knowing how to make risotto.) Paulina also asked Sheena if her breasts were fake after seeing how curiously firm they were in her shot. Sheena first claimed they were real, but then fessed up to them being fake. The panel praised her for being honest, but I think her actions would've been more praiseworthy if she hadn't lied in the first place — especially since the main reason she confessed was because pretty much everyone in the panel knew she was lying.

In the least suspenseful elimination in quite some time, Nikeysha went home after a second straight week in the bottom two (although I DID like how they had her continue talking through the end credits). Also, there was NO WAY they were getting rid of Isis so early.

So what'd you think of this episode? Is Hannah a racist? Is this the most obvious elimination ever? Which one is Samantha again? Finally, can Sheena ever turn down the hooch? (More importantly, would we want her to?) Meet me here next week and we'll talk about the sure-to-be fascinating makeovers!