Dancing with the Stars: Crazy Like a Fox Trot

I wasn't as down on the most recent season of "Dancing with the Stars" as other people were.

That being said, if the rest of this is season is anything like last night's premiere, we should be in for a treat — last night was the craziest-ass episode every in the history of this crazy-ass show.

In fact, all of the craziness wasn't even Cloris Leachman-related (more on her, pictured, right, in a bit). The first bit of wackiness I noticed was actually one of the saner moves the show could've pulled off (sane = unusual on this show) — the judges rediscovered the numbers 4-7 when giving their scores. I realize the judges weren't exactly handing out 10s in past season premieres, but too often the show's scores had become an indistinguishable sea of 8s, bunching all the celebs together and making the judges' presence kinda pointless. It was a little shocking and more impactful seeing (well-deserved) 4s out there. I also liked having all 13 couples perform, instead of segregating the men and the women.

They set the tone right away after the first dance, which featured the only person in the cast I hadn't even come close to hearing of in my entire life. I don't know what a Cody Linley is, but I was surprised the judges low-balled him with straight 6s for his opening cha cha. I thought the dance was, at least, a 7, but the judges sent a message right away that they weren't messing around, so I was ok with it. I was also probably ok with it because Linley seems like he's a little stupid (or maybe he's just "young" as we were constantly reminded by everyone involved in the show, in reference to his partnership with Julianne Hough).

The show not only featured its youngest contestant ever, but also its oldest. Unfortunately, no one will remember tomorrow that Cloris Leachman's fox trot was shockingly decent at times (especially for someone who's 82!!), but they WILL remember the multiple s---s she dropped while her score was announce and the way she wandered over to the judge's table during each of their critiques, (loved the way Len told her to "mind her cleavage"). The most underrated part of the whole fiasco for me was the way her partner Corky Ballas had to forcibly guide her to her mark during their scores and away from the dance floor after the show was running long. Don't get me wrong, I like the unpredictability she brings to the show, but I didn't end up loving her shtick last night as much as I thought I would.

The more pleasant surprises included a pair of charming fox trots, and two solid cha chas.

I liked Ted McGinley's work on "Married with Children" and I thought he was, by far, the best thing in "Major League: Back to the Minors" (ok, so he was the only good thing), but I was still a little surprised at how utterly pleasant he was. I thought the judges low-balled his fox trot (that was better than an 18), but I think he'll be around a bit longer, and has a strong shot at winning the Steve Guttenberg Nice Guy Award.

Recent Olympic gold beach volleyball player Misty May-Treanor easily made a name for herself last night in the competition and made up for the fact that she wasn't her more recognizable partner, Kerri Walsh (who was in the audience). I was afraid she'd be another Monica Seles, but, though she does need to soften her moves a bit, she seems like a natural dancer. I think she's the dark horse of the season (especially since she's partnered with super-popular Maks, making his return to the show)

Still, the most surprising performance of the evening was Brooke Burke's cha cha, which featured, by far, the best hip action of the evening. Partner Derek Hough (who had girlfriend Shannon Elizabeth in the crowd, probably keeping a watchful eye) and his choreography was a little disappointing, but that didn't keep Burke from the top of the evening's charts with a 23. I liked it better than Toni Braxton's cha cha, which was well-performed, but not as good technically. Braxton has potential, but seems timid and afraid to push herself, given her heart condition. Then again, that's the sort of storyline the show loves.

Despite Burke being atop the leaderboard, the star of the evening was undoubtedly Warren Sapp, who proved to be surprisingly light on his feet and seemed able to keep up with partner Kym "Boobs" Johnson. I'm curious to see what he does with a ballroom dance, but he already seems to be the crowd favorite.

Right around this point, I'd love to tell you something about Maurice Green's performance, but I can't remember any of it. That's not good, but he's in the middle of the pack scoreboard-wise, so he should be fine. I DO remember Kim Kardashian's chemistry-free fox trot with Mark Ballas (maybe she was turned off by his awful pink jacket) and I remember snickering along with the rest of America when she wondered why she was so unbalanced (altogether now: it's your ASS!) Kardashian will also be back next, and hopefully she'll cut a little loose after such a restrained performance. I also hope my girlfriend stops believing that I have a crush on her — it makes it a little uncomfortable watching her dance when we watch the show together.

The three worst dancers of the evening for me were Jeffrey Ross, Susan Lucci and Rocco DiSpirito. In fact, I feel like Lucci's awfulness was pretty underrated last night. Carrie Ann had it right when she said Lucci looked frail out there, and watching her dance made me uncomfortable. I felt like partner Tony Dovolani was going to break her. I know that dancers usually lose a ton of weight when they go on this show, but if that happens here, Lucci will completely disappear.

I'm predicting either Jeffrey Ross or Rocco DiSpirito will be the first person eliminated. Despite the fact that he seems to have a decent attitude, I think Rocco's going to be the first to go. I think Ross gets a pass because of the eye-injury and because most of his jokes were kinda funny (as opposed to Adam Corolla last year, who kept talking and talking and talking until something hit) and he really appeared to be trying. I also think Ross' partner Edyta has a lot more fans than Rocco's partner Karina (also playing injured). In the end, Rocco was just more forgettable. (I mean, the Hannah Montana guy was forgettable too, but at least he has that Miley Cyrus fan base to help him out, right?)

I saved the best for last because Lance Bass (technically speaking) appears to be in a different league than his competition. Don't get me wrong, there are a few people that could come up there and join him and the judges correctly didn't overreact (Len's old fogy reaction was pretty predictable), but Lance's "modern" cha cha with new pro Lacey Schwimmer of "So You Think You Can Dance" fame was the best dance of the night. (Are they "Lancey"?)

That's why he's my ridiculously early pick to win this competition. Sure, it doesn't seem like I'm going out on a huge limb, but remember that the most talented contestant often doesn't win (ask Joey Fatone, Mario Lopez, Stacey Keibler, Scary Spice, etc.). Kristi Yamaguchi was the exception last year. I think Lance has the skills (and, more importantly, the fan base) to win the competition. I know that Lacey has a lot of SYTYCD fans, but I worry her need to bring "edginess" to DWTS will end up turning a lot of people off. I don't know if it's possible for this show to be edgy (or if I'd even want it to be.)

So what'd you think of this episode? I'm not the only one who has fun spotting the former contestants in the audience, right? (Joey Fatone! Marlee Matlin! Kristi Yamaguchi!) Wasn't Samantha Harris surprisingly sane tonight? Finally, who's your favorite and your not-so-favorite so far?