America's Next Top Recap: Hot Tranny, Messes

Whenever a "Top Model" season, I mean, cycle ends, we get a few months off from the show's very specific brand of insanity (unless, of course, you tune in regularly to the marathons on VH-1)

Of course, that means whenever the show comes back, as it did last night, we're always almost instantly reminded in why this is the craziest, hottest mess of a show on TV.

Last night we were treated to transsexuals, many spectacularly bad hairdon'ts (though Mr. Jay's floppy hair at the Tom Model Institute of Technology is definitely in the Hall of Fame) and sub Sci-Fi network (not-so) special effects. (Isn't it adorable how the CW doesn't have any money for the good stuff?)

I mentioned the T.M.I.T., which was this year's ridiculous theme for whittling the field down to 14 girls. Past years have included boot camp and "model school" themes, but this year's HAS to take the cake if only for the absolute commitment on the part of Alpha J(!), Beta Jay (!!), and Tyrabot (of course!) because it's always, ALWAYS fun to see Tyra "act." Extra points also go to the wannabe models for gamely playing along with these completely stupid shenanigans (like pretending the J's and Tyra teleported away at one point).

While last night's premiere gave us two hours of Top Model's brand of insanity (which is WAY too much to handle), I was actually happy with that decision. The past couple of years, the first episode of the season has been all about a flurry of girls, having them perform random (often demeaning) exercises, and then cutting a good number of them anyway and, mostly, keeping the loudest ones. Well, that still happened last night — out of the ones cut, I think Kacey, the black girl with glasses, had some potential —, but at least it was followed by an episode in which we got to know the girls of the house a little better. And by, "got to know the girls of the house a little better," I mean, realize that Clark is pretty much a complete bitch.

Before I get to the first episode, let me run through some highlights from the audition hour. As I mentioned before, you could pretty much tell who was going to make it through based on screen time. Another way you could tell who was going to make it through was because of the fact that the identity of the 14 finalists has been well known for quite some time now. Still, the audition hour gave us Tyra showing off her impressive knowledge of English literature, Tyra chasing Hannah from Alaska while pretending to be a moose (are we starting to sense a totally unsurprising Tyra-centric pattern here?).

On the plus side, I was pleasantly surprised that some of the outsize personalities fall firmly on the appealing side instead of being grating. Sure, girls like Joselyn (who is a sequel to cycle 6 winner Danielle) and Sheena (half Korean, half Japanese, all-ghetto) COULD have been annoying, but I like both of them. Of course, my girlfriend Erica thinks I like Sheena because she says she likes black guys. Whatever.

Of course, the big story was Isis (pictured, left, with Mr. Jay, who disappointingly went back to his normal hair), the much-publicized pre-op transgender contestant. Here's my take: I was happy to see that Isis DOES have some modeling chops (she was first noticed in the background of a shoot last year and knows how to find the light) and I was even more impressed by the patient way she handled her competitors' prying questions. If I were one of those competitors I'd have questions too, and she handled them very well. Here's the problem: Isis can talk all she/he wants about how he was born a female mentally or emotionally, but, the fact of the matter is, physiologically she's a male. I haven't read the Top Model rule book (if it exists), but I'm pretty sure this competition is only supposed to be for women. And Isis is a man (baby!) If she were post-op, I might feel differently about it.

That being said, Isis is in the competition, she has a great attitude so I hope she/he finds success. I'm also happy that I was able to spot her as the tranny contestant before I had an uncomfortable moment ala Nigel at the Magic Castle after he checked she/he out.

All the contestants who made it — no plus size model this year, since Whitney won the last cycle, I guess — went to the Magic Castle where they had the opportunity to chat one on one with each of the judges. As usual with this show, if you pay attention to the editing, you can pretty much guess what's going to happen. Sharaun (one of three Britneys who made it, two of whom had to change their names) went on and on about how she was going to win "Top Model" without giving a good reason why (oh oh), while Marjorie showed an apparent lack of confidence I just chalked up to nerves. Meanwhile, Joslyn and Ms. J looked like old friends, while I'm pretty sure the only reason we saw McKey's face time with Paulina was because of her answer to the judges question about what she'd do if a photographer asked her to sleep with him (the Ultimate Fighter would kick him in the balls).

Back at the house, Isis was still the main topic of conversation. Some of the girls (Sheena) seemed to rally and support Isis, while others (Clark and her lackey Hannah) snuck off in distant corners and made ignorant comments. Then again, how can you blame Hannah? She grew up in Alaska without electricity, water or a clue.

The photo shoot this week was designed to make voting sexy and had each of the girls highlighting a different issue from the election. Unfortunately, this was another one of those "Top Model" photo shoots with a vague theme that stumped many of the contestants and had them resorting to generic "sexy poses."

The best of the bunch were Isis and Marjorie (the only two who actually worked with their respective concepts of immigration and privacy), as well as Joslyn. The judges gave McKey high praise, but, while the shot was good, Mr. Jay deserves all the credit for giving her the flimsy "fighting for the environment" option.

The worst were Clark (doing NOTHING with bureaucracy even after figuring out what it was), Sharaun (who went home) and Nikeysha, who made the fatal error of talking back during judging panel and landed in the bottom two. I get that she was trying to point out that she had pictures in which she wasn't crouched on the ground, but Tyra has shown by now that, despite what she says, she doesn't pick the girls' best shots, but the ones that she could use to make a point (like telling Sheena to model the opposite of what she's wearing). Personally, I would've kicked off Clark for doing nothing with all that red tape (a lot of potential there) and also because I really don't like her.

So what'd you think of this episode? Isn't it weird that Ed Alonzo looks almost exactly as he did in those old credits for Saved by the Bell? Wasn't Whitney's Cover Girl commercial better than Jaslene and Saleisha's combined? Can Elina turn Clark gay? Finally, who's your early pick to win the whole thing? (I know it's ridiculous, but I'm going with Sheena.)