Dancing with the Stars: Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered

Four new dances — the Charleston, the Lambada, the country two-step, and the Bolero — debuted on the latest episode of “Dancing with the Stars.”

However, since the show didn’t bother giving us any sort of introduction to the new dances (I was particularly lost in what to look for in the Bolero), I’m not going to bother writing a proper intro to this recap either.

Let’s just right in and talk about the couples, in order of appearance.

Chuck Lidell & Anna T: You would think bringing “carnage” and “mayhem” to the ballroom would be bad things, but these are Chuck’s strengths according to the judges. His two-step was predictably clumsy, but it required the least amount of movement out of the new styles, putting it right in Chuck’s wheelhouse. For me (and for Chuck), the charm is wearing off — I simply don’t enjoy watching him “dance.”

Melissa Joan Hart & Mark: I’ll definitely go along with you if you want to say that Melissa had her breakout week with the Charleston, but there’s no way you’ll ever get me to agree that her performance deserved a 10 (from Bruno) — not unless we’re grading on a curve and comparing it to her earlier, more tentative efforts. As a matter of fact, that Charleston had “8” written all over it. I’m guessing Bruno was dazzled by the “black and white” effect (pictured, right, and which he couldn’t see since he was there in person). Or Mark’s moustache. I’m still feeling like this super high score (28) is more of a one-time thing and Melissa is closer to being a tentative that dancer than she is a true contender for the title.

Natalie Coughlin & Alec: After a particularly bossy rehearsal package, these two basically performed a somewhat worse version of last week’s rumba, which earned straight 9s. Honestly, I didn’t really know what to look for in their Bolero, which was a slower, less sexy outing than last time. Also, being compared to Sharon Stone would’ve been much more exciting 15 years ago.

Aaron Carter & Karina: For some reason, Aaron seemed to devote most of his rehearsal time to perfecting his flip. To his credit, he nailed it and it was impressive. Unfortunately, that ended up being the best part of their Lambada. It may have sounded harsh, but Carrie Ann was exactly right — he tries too hard and it turns some people off. (Anyone else hoping she’d take the final step and simply say, “People don’t like you.”)

Mark Dacascos & Lacey: Instead of praising them by saying their two-step was “the best of the evening”, the judges should’ve just told them that they were the tallest people at a midget convention. Honestly, the competition from Chuck and Louie wasn’t exactly fierce.

Kelly Osbourne & Louis: Yes, Kelly performed well, though I still wish she was better about hiding her horror when she temporarily loses her way in a routine. And, yes, we’re all a little surprised that Samantha Harris has been on Broadway and Kelly Osbourne hasn’t. Still, I’m sure all we could think about during Kelly’s fun, “Cabaret”-inspired Charleston was, “Louis’ makeup, Louis’ makeup, Louis’ makeup.” Awesome. (Kelly doesn’t make for a bad Liza herself.)

Joanna Krupa & Derek: Their Lambada was more “hot” than it was “well-danced.” Still, when I watch this couple, I can’t help but feel like people are OBVIOUSLY voting for Derek’s sake more than they are for Joanna. (Right, right?!) As a result, going shirtless (as opposed to 80% shirtless) probably earned him another 50,000 votes. Finally, that trip to the animal shelter was random, even for this show.

Donny Osmond & Kym: Donny’s posture still sucks, but that’s not the end of the world in swing dances. Their Charleston routine probably had the most fundamental content, and Donny performed it very well. I think it was my favorite of the evening. (Louis’ makeup.)

Michael Irvin & Anna D.: It’s official: Anna D was a 49ers fan in the 1990’s and is sabotaging Michael Irvin to get him kicked out of the competition. I mean, what other explanation is there for her completely uninspired choreography? (Ok, ok, “inexperience” is probably a good reason too.) Once again, Michael had little to do other than move slowly across the dance floor, stop, and pose. Even though I kind of hated Irvin as a football player, I’ve enjoyed him on the show (so has Aaron Carter), so it’s kind of painful to watch the judges hammer him when it’s his partner who appears to be letting him down. The good news is he probably won’t have to deal with their abuse much longer.

Louie Vito & Chelsie: What the hell happened, Louie?! I’ve enjoyed this guy from week one, and the trip to Ty Murray’s ranch was thoroughly enjoyable. Unfortunately, their two-step was a disaster. I’m not even sure Louie was awake during the routine. I’m guessing that, after last week’s sexy rumba, Louie feels like he’s accomplished what he came for and will mail it in from her on out. I hope not.

Mya & Dmitry: Mya was excellent (and shiny!) once again during a hot Lambada. My only advice to her would be to listen Dmitry and do everything he says. I know she was in “Chicago” (and Kelly Osbourne was NOT), but it doesn’t mean that she knows more than Dmitry about choreographing dances. Other than that, I actually kind of admire Len’s staunch refusal to give her a 10 right now. If she gets a 30 now, what does she have to work toward over the next two months?

So what’d you think of this episode? Why didn’t they have any of the women take on the two-step? Doesn’t it feel like Gilles Marini could’ve gotten up from his chair in the audience and danced better than any of the men last night? Finally, who do you think is going home? (Goodbye, Michael.)