Dancing with the Stars: Dealing with Stress (Fractures)

The latest episode of “Dancing with the Stars” featured tiki torches, grown men pretending to make out (and thinking it was absolutely hilarious), and the season’s first pair of 10’s.

Let’s jump right in and talk about how the celebs did with the rumba and samba, in order of appearance.

Mark Dacascos & Lacey: I agree with Len that the rumba is pretty much the toughest dance for a male celeb to tackle. You have to move very deliberately and very fluidly, while also maintaining good hip action. Bonus points if you manage to not look like a pansy. It’s also pretty much the worst possible match for martial artist Mark and his “wachoo!” arms. That being said, I don’t think it was nearly as bad or as “uncomfortable to watch” as the judges made it out to be. I AM starting to wonder whether Mark will put it together and have a breakout dance before he is eliminated.

Joanna Krupa & Derek: I’m a sucker for a samba roll (seriously, I yell out “samba roll!” in my living room whenever I see one on TV) and apparently so is Len. How else to explain the grumpy judge ignoring Derek’s unnecessary Tarzan act at the start of the dance (which apparently almost caused Derek to fall)? Given how pissy Len was by the end of the night, I wouldn’t have been surprised if he dropped a -2 for Derek’s antics at the beginning. As for the samba, it was solid but surprisingly un-fun.

Mya & Dmitry: Then again, I suppose Len saved all his grumpiness for Mya. Mya is clearly this year’s “ringer” (the person who’s a little too talented to be mucking about with the rest of this crew) but that doesn’t mean she’s not a joy to watch. Her sexy, on-point rumba with Dmitry was a legitimate 10! (Bruno essentially called her a hooker, so you KNOW he liked it.) I can see Len’s point about slowing things down and letting a routine breathe, but a ‘7’? Really, Len?

Melissa Joan Hart & Mark: Melissa Joan Hart has gotten a little better each time out. Emphasis on “a little.” She’s probably good for three more weeks before voters get tired of her not visibly improving. Her samba was ok and slightly less uncomfortable than her previous dances. Finally, why the tiki torches?

“Vito Suave” & Chelsie: So Louie claims to have never watched this show, but he mysteriously appeared to know a lot about the rumba. I actually believe Louie when he says he’s never watched the show – I just figure he Googled “slow” “sexy” “Latin” “ballroom” “dance” when he found out he was paired with Chelsie and “rumba” came up. Speaking of which, I find this guy so charming that I don’t even mind the overtly aggressive way he hit on Chelsie during their rehearsal footage. I was also thoroughly charmed by his dance, though, to be honest, Chelsie’s routine was mostly about showcasing Chelsie (and Chelsie’s butt – right camera guy?) One of my favorite performances of the night – the dance, not the butt. (Did anyone else not recognize Louie when he came out with his slicked back hair at the top of the show?)

Debi Mazar & Maksim: I keep waiting for Debi to “get it,” but she just doesn’t. Their samba was both deadly boring and too short. I mean, if Mel B. (one of my favorite contestants ever) can’t keep help you kick it into high gear, you’re pretty much hopeless. It’s a shame.

Donny Osmond & Kym: Unfortunately, his competent/girly/forgettable rumba was completely overshadowed by the insanity at the judges’ table, where he dipped and mock (I think) made out with Bruno. I’m deducting 20 points from Donny for recycling the “I won’t be allowed back in Utah” joke from week 1.

Michael Irvin & Anna D.: I don’t know what Michael Irvin did to the judges, but boy do they seem to have it out for him. I mean, did he really deserve worse scores than Melissa Joan Hart (no), Debi Mazar (no!) or Tom DeLay (HELL NO!) An even bigger problem seems to be his partner, who is in the middle of her first season on the show. Her choreography last night was completely uninspired and has been underwhelming throughout. I say throw a few more things at the Playmaker and see if he can handle it.

Natalie Coughlan & Alec: Sign # 79 That I’ve Watched Entirely Too Much of This Show Over the Years = the fact that I guessed Alec would bring wife Edyta in during rehearsals to help Natalie discover her sexy side for their rumba before it even happened. (Sign #12 = simply knowing that Alec and Edyta are married.) For the record, Edyta gave Natalie permission to go “all-out” with her husband, not “all the way” — those are two very different things, Samantha! Oh yeah, the rumba — Natalie’s body placement at the beginning was a little disconcerting (as was the unnecessary fog machine), but I was very pleasantly surprised with how fluid and believable she was. I’d even say Natalie’s passed Joanna as the second best female celeb (for now).

Chuck Lidell & Anna T.: The obligatory “sensitive big guy” package featured Chuck getting a pedicure with his daughter. I wish there had been a way for him to get a feet transplant because his samba was thoroughly horrid. (The judges, on the other hand, were apparently too distracted by his detachable puffy sleeves to notice.) I love how no one bothered to correct Bruno (it’s “ZombieLAND” not “Zombietown”) because it’s just not worth it.

Aaron Carter & Karina: Karina kept telling Aaron to slow down and not overdo it during their rumba. Who was surprised when Aaron failed to slow down and completely overdid it during their rumba, which was most noteworthy due to Aaron’s unfortunate baby blue kimono top? (No Muppets this time.) It was about time the judges came down a little bit on him, but he’s still one of the top dancers in this competition.

Tom DeLay & Cheryl (pictured, left): Tom is now dealing with stress fractures on both feet (ouch!) and was NOT medically cleared to dance. For a minute there, I thought we were going to be “treated” to one of those rehearsal footage performances the show introduced last season when a competitor couldn’t dance. For some ungodly reason, Tom was set on dancing. I actually understand where he’s coming from – it’s obviously not about staying in a silly televised dancing competition, it’s about not quitting. Simple as that. So we got to see Tom and Cheryl perform in a pair of hideous-yet-partisan outfits. The scores didn’t matter as much as the fact that Tom thankfully didn’t collapse in a heap on the dance floor.

Kelly Osbourne & Louis: The season’s resident head case bounced back nicely with a lively samba that featured multiple kisses on the lips from Kelly to Louis. I still wish Kelly would get out of her own head and just enjoy dancing (she’s pretty great when she does), but it doesn’t seem like that’s ever going to happen.

So what’d you think of this episode? Could that interview with Paula Abdul have been more uncomfortable? (Oh wait, Paula just suggested she and Carrie Ann make out — it just got slightly more uncomfortable.) What color will Kelly’s hair be next week? Who s--- in Len’s cereal? (I’m ok with him being tough, but why is he only tough on the good dancers? The bad ones could use constructive tips too. He came off looking like a hater last night.)

Finally, who do you think is going home? (I just don’t see how Debi did enough to keep herself in this competition?)